04x19 - Hot Rod Otis

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

( whistling )

Do you have to whistle like that?

Oh.

Mm.

( whistling )

Kind of like them spades, don't you?

You sort of gave

yourself away there, old buddy.

Sorry.

Three of hearts.

Thanks.

Come on! What's the big idea, taking all my discards?

Why don't you take one from the deck like I been doing?

I'm sorry. You want it back?

No, but play the game right.

Creepers.

( singing )

Oh, hi, Otis.

Kinda late, ain't ya?

I know.

I would have been here earlier,

but I fell in with some evil companions.

Your cell's all ready. Go ahead.

Say, you fellas didn't have to wait up for me, you know.

Oh, that's all right, Otis.

We're just playin' a little rummy.

Rummy?

I used to be pretty good at that game myself.

( clears throat )

( clears throat )

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

What's the name of the game?

Gin?

Thank you, don't mind if I do.

Aw, shut up, Otis,

and keep your opinions to yourself!

What did I do?

You steered me wrong! That's what you did!

I never would have thrown that card!

So, who told you to? You did!

So? That's how he got it!

Got what? Gin.

Thank you, don't mind if I do. Aw, shut up, Otis.

Are you gonna make me? Yeah!

Yeah? All right, all right, all right, all right,

all right, now, boys, stop fightin'.

Come on, Otis.

There's my card. There's my card!

Darn you, Otis!

Oh, I'd like to have you fellas do a favor for me.

Sure, Otis, we'll be glad

to get the pink elephant out of your cell.

Out, elephant. Shoo, shoo!

Get out of Otis' cell.

No, no, no. He's all right.

You can stay if you want to.

It's just that I'd like to have you call me

at : in the morning.

Call you at : in the morning?

Not one minute later. It's very important.

Tomorrow's Saturday.

Oh, that's right.

Beautiful Saturday.

I can hardly wait.

Now promise... : ... : .

Sure, I promise, Otis.

Now, go on, get some sleep.

Yeah, go on, big card man.

All right, big fella.

I told you could stay, but not on the bed!

Not on the bed!

Shoo. Shoo.

Oh, boy, mm.

"Wake me at : ."

He kills me, you know that?

He'd be lucky if he's in motion by : tomorrow night.

He sure does soak up the sauce, don't he?

Is that any way

to talk about your card partner?

All right.

Listen, you sure you don't mind stayin' tonight?

No, I said I didn't.

( yawning )

Well, I'll see you in the morning then.

Okay. Fine.

Good night.

Andy? Andy?

ANDY: What do you want, Otis?

I want a drink of water.

Otis, you and your drink of water.

All right, there you are.

( groans )

Is that all?

Good night.

Night-night.

( snoring )

Andy? Andy?

Now what?

I can't sleep.

Otis!

Please, Andy.

No, Otis, go to sleep.

But it always helps me sleep.

Just finish the one you started last time, Andy, please.

( sighing )

All right.

( sighs )

Go on.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum," said the giant.

"I smell the blood of an Englishman."

Poor Jack... he didn't know what to do...

Oh, morning, Barn.

Morning, Ange.

Otis give you any trouble last night?

Oh, no, not particular.

Oh, that again. Yeah.

What was it this time, "Rumpelstiltzkin"?

"Jack and the Beanstalk."

I never realized when I was elected county sheriff

the main requirement for this high office

was to be read up on Grimm's Fairy Tales.

You gonna wake him up?

Why?

It's almost : .

Oh, that.

You know something?

I think we ought to do it.

Oh, no... No, I mean it.

It might teach him not to say all those dang-fool things.

Well, Otis didn't know what he was saying... Come on, let's do it.

We can tell him he told us to,

and that's the truth.

Oh, don't, Barn.

I can't wait to hear him.

Oh, is he gonna be mad.

This is gonna be rich.

All right, Otis, wake up, rise 'n' shine, hit the deck!

Let's go! It's : .

What's the matter? What is it?

You said you wanted to wake up.

It's : .

: ?

Gee, Barney, thanks. You are a pal.

Huh?

Oh, yeah. For not forgetting to wake me up.

Thanks again, Barney.

You mean you really did want to get up at : ?

Oh, yeah, this is the most important day

in the world to me.

Can I have a little of that?

Yeah. Well, what's it all about?

Mm.

I took on a night job.

Been at it a month to earn some extra money,

and today... Yeah, go on... today, what?

Today is the day I've finally gotten up

to buy something I've always had my heart set on.

Well, what is it?

Oh, I ain't gonna tell you.

I want it to be a surprise.

Oh, come on, Otis, that's not fair.

You wouldn't keep a secret from an old friend

of Jack the giant k*ller, would you?

I'm not gonna tell ya, but you'll see soon enough.

I promise. Mm, thanks.

Well, at least give us a hint.

Is it bigger than a bread box?

All I can say is wait and see.

Otis!

Wait and see.

Otis, we want to know.

Wait and see. Otis...

Take a lock.

Something he had his heart set on?

You don't reckon he's buying his own still?

That's the end of it.

Say, it couldn't be a suit of clothes, could it?

No, we ruled that out an hour ago.

Otis has already got a suit.

Yeah.

Couldn't be a fishin' pole.

No.

Hey... a trip.

A vacation.

Maybe to Natural Bridge, Virginia,

or to that alligator farm in Florida or somethin'.

( horn honking )

Well, whatever it is, it must be somethin'.

I never seen him so excited.

( honking continues )

( honking )

What's the trouble here?

Hiya, fellas.

Ain't she a beauty?

Is this yours, Otis?

You got yourself a car?

All mine and paid for.

I knew you'd be surprised.

You are, ain't ya?

Never thought you'd see me on wheels, did ya?

Otis, you got a driver's license?

Oh, sure, I've had one for years.

Just never had a car before to use it on.

Well, guess I'll go over

and show her to Gomer.

See you later, fellas.

Otis with a car.

Never would have guessed that.

Andy, this is terrible, just terrible.

What do you mean?

Well, it's bad enough having a plain old town drunk,

but now we got a mechanized one.

Oh, I don't think Otis would...

Now, Andy, face the facts.

As of this minute,

we are livin' in a disaster area.

Oh, hi, Ange.

Hi. What are you doing?

Andy, I just can't stand by and do nothing

while this town gets creamed off the map.

Our only chance for survival

is to make Otis a pedestrian again.

What's that all about?

Otis is on his way over here

to take a driver's test.

What are you going to do with those?

Well, these are cars.

One's for Otis. One's for me.

See, he'll be a motorist and so will I.

And I'll pose him some problems,

and we'll see how he behaves in various traffic situations.

Clever, huh? Yeah.

You may be able to fit into yours,

but Otis ain't never gonna get into his.

I known that's the way you'd react... facetious.

Every time I get an idea, you get facetious.

Well, I'm sorry, Barn,

but the way they usually give a driver's test

is the examiner gets in by the driver

and then has him make certain turns and things,

then grades him on that.

Well, this part will be like the written test.

Later on, I'll observe him to see how he behaves...

OTIS: Okay, Barney, here I am.

What do you want?

Otis, you're about to take

your driver's test.

But I got a license. I told you.

This is kind of a refresher test, Otis.

Here! What's that for?

It's a car for the test.

Barney, I ain't never gonna fit into that thing.

Now, don't get facetious with me, Otis!

But... Don't get facetious!

Come down here.

Now, this is an intersection

with stop signs all around.

Now, we both pull up to the intersection,

me from the south and you from the west

at the very same time.

From the west, yes.

The west! The west! The west!

All right.

( makes revving sound )

Don't get smart, Otis.

I'm just trying to make it more authentic.

All right.

Now, we both pull up to the stop signs

at the same time.

Who pulls out first?

Me! ( revving )

Accident!

Back up, everybody! Get the police!

Stop it! Cut that out! Now, cut that out!

Now, when you both pull up to the intersection

at the very same time,

the driver on your right has the right of way!

But we didn't come at it at the very same time.

I got there first! You did not!

I did, too! You did not!

I did. Pipe down!

You gonna make me?! Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

All right, stop it, both of you!

All right, come back over here.

( groans )

You flunked that one.

Let's see how you do on this one.

Now, this is a highway, and you're going...

( making revving sounds )

You're going along behind me.

Now, you want to pass me 'cause you're in a hurry.

Now, what do you do?

I go, "Beep-beep!

Out of the way, Sunday driver!"

Come back here! Stop it! Cut that out!

Now I'm an airplane.

Cut it out!

Otis, you cut that out!

You cut it out, Otis!

Andy, I don't want to play anymore.

Okay, Otis.

Maybe you ought to continue

another time, Barn.

Yeah, let's change

and maybe we can play with some trains, huh?

All right, all right, go ahead.

Send a man out there with a deadly w*apon.

See if I care.

Well, you weren't getting anywhere.

Besides, I don't think

Otis is going to do anything wrong.

Yeah.

Well, if it'll make you feel better,

why don't you watch him for a while?

All right, now you're talking.

At least his first weekend on wheels.

If you want to, just keep an eye on him.

All right, I'll set up a stakeout

and I'll keep the suspect under constant surveillance.

Well, now, be careful.

He's got to feel like he's making it on his own.

He mustn't find out he's being watched.

He won't even see me.

I'm an old hand at stakeouts.

I'll just melt right into the shadows,

and he won't have the faintest notion

I'm within miles.

( engine starting )

Doggone old bike!

Hey, Barney!

Do me a favor and get that bike

out of there for me.

Oh, sure, Otis.

I appreciate it.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

This is Operator Fife reporting in from stakeout

with contact report on suspect. What's that?

I said, this is Operator Fife reporting in from stakeout

with contact report on suspect.

Oh, you mean Otis. How's he doing?

Well, he left his house around, uh, : p.m.

Then I spotted him over at the County Line Cafe

buying himself a bottle of the old red-eye.

Then he headed back for town,

and I followed him over to Charlie Varney's place.

Barney, where are you?

At the control center.

Where?

Courthouse!

And you say Otis is over at Charlie Varney's?

Yeah. Has been since : .

Hmm. That don't sound too good.

What do you reckon he's doing over there?

Well, from all the singing and carrying on,

in my opinion, suspect is imbibing.

What?

Getting himself gassed!

Better come by and pick me up.

Wilco and out.

( laughter and chattering inside the house )

ANDY: That's Otis' car, all right.

How long you say he's been in there?

A couple hours.

There's always a chance

he's in there singing and not swigging.

Yeah, I suppose so, but...

Hey, Barney Fife...

♪ You don't know who... ♪

( singing incoherently )

Oh, you little doll.

( groans )

Mm.

Well, wouldn't you just know it?

All gassed up

and going off for a little drive.

What do you say now, huh?

Was I right, huh?

It looks like.

Of course I was right.

I was suspicious right from the start.

Otis and a car.

I just can't understand it.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine what would have happened

if he'd have got behind that wheel?

Hey, maybe there's a way

we can take advantage of that.

What do you mean?

I believe we can fix it

so Otis will never want to drive again.

Give me a hand. Come on.

Are you sure you got it straight?

Do you really think it'll work?

It's worth a try.

Now go ahead, get ready.

Ready?

( spluttering and gasping )

What in the world...?

Sure is quiet around here

with no more Otis to take care of.

You know something, Barn?

I miss him. I really do.

I know how you feel, old friend,

but tears won't bring him back.

He's gone now.

Gone for good...

up to that big saloon in the sky.

Hey, what is all this?

If only he hadn't tried to drive in that condition.

Lickety-split

down Two-Mile Hill, around the curve,

weaving from side to side.

Out on Old Plank Bridge, through the railing,

into the river.

Drowned.

Drowned?

BARNEY: Drowned.

But, Andy, I ain't drowned. I'm here...

ANDY: You know, sometimes I think I can hear

his voice calling out to me

just the way he used to.

I'd give anything if I could just tell him "fee-fi-fo-fum"

all over again.

But, Andy, I'm here.

Look, fellas, I'm here. It's me.

You mustn't t*rture yourself.

You mustn't!

Fellas, listen!

It must be hard on you.

You were even closer to him than I was.

Yes, I was, Andy.

His passing leaves a void in my heart

that the passing years will never heal.

Passing?

Why did he have to take up driving? Why?!

You mustn't blame yourself. You tried to warn him.

( blubbering ): If I'd only had a chance.

If I'd only realized!

He was a good man, Andy.

A good man.

He never hurt anybody.

No.

He never said a mean thing.

Never.

He was so full of life.

He loved life,

and he wanted to live!

ANDY: Don't try to hold it back.

It only makes it worse.

Just let it come out of your system.

Blow hard.

( loud blow )

OTIS: It's true! It's true!

I'm up there.

They're down here.

Or am I down there?

For Otis.

♪ We shall meet, but we shall miss him ♪

♪ There will be one vacant chair ♪

♪ We shall linger to caress him ♪

♪ When we breathe our evening prayer ♪

♪ We shall meet, but we shall miss him ♪

♪ There will be one vacant chair ♪

♪ We shall linger to caress him ♪

♪ When we breathe our evening prayer. ♪

I didn't want to die!

I didn't want to die!

( sobbing )

I didn't want to die!

Wake up, Otis!

Otis, wake up!

What's the matter! My goodness!

You act like you been having a nightmare, Otis.

What have you been carrying on about, Otis?

Something about dying.

Well, didn't I...?

Oh, but the water? Oh...

What seems to be the matter, Otis?

You look like you seen a ghost.

Oh, you ain't never gonna believe...

Oh, what a nightmare!

Boy, am I glad to see both of you again.

Listen, fellas, I want to say one thing:

I ain't never gonna drive another car again

as long as I live!

You can get drowned that way.

You've made a wise decision, Otis.

Yeah. Something happen in your dream

that made you decide to give up driving?

OTIS: Oh, no.

I had my mind made up all along.

I sold my car to Charlie Varney

before I took my first drink.

I didn't even have the keys.

The dream didn't have anything to do with that.

Just another of those nutty nightmares.

I have 'em all the time.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

Oh, uh... Andy, would you mind?

I'm kind of wakeful.

With pleasure, Otis.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum,

I smell the blood of an Englishman."

Poor Jack, he didn't know what to do.

He looked all around the room...

We really had old Otis going there, didn't we?

Yeah, we really did.

I was glad to hear he sold that car, though.

Restored my faith in him.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

Well... Oh, nothing.

I... I was just thinking.

Oh.

I was thinking what if it had happened to Otis?

It just might have, you know.

Well... No, I mean it.

You know, Otis really is a nice man,

and the way he goes around,

something could happen to him,

and then we never would see him again.

I'd miss the old gooch, you know that?

I really would.

Well, nothing's gonna...

We'd never see him again, never.

Poor old Otis... that silly round face...

his wrinkled tie... his big pot belly...

just gone.

Barney...

The whole idea of him never showing up

on Friday and Saturday night... you know?

You know, he... he really is a good fella, Andy.

Never hurt anybody.

No.

Never said a... mean thing.

No.

Don't try to hold it back.

Just-just let it all out of your system.