04x20 - The Song Festers

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

♪ Here balmy breezes blow ♪

♪ Pure joys invite us ♪

♪ And as we gently row ♪

♪ All things delight us ♪

♪ Hark, how the sailors cry ♪

♪ Joyously echoes nigh ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Home of fair poesy ♪

♪ Realm of your harmony ♪

BARNEY: ♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia. ♪

Good, good.

We're coming along just fine.

Uh, Barney, you went

just the least bit flat there at, uh, .

Now, there's a pause back there at .

A big breath there will help.

Check.

And Sharon, you came in just a little bit too soon.

You're overanxious.

I'm sorry, Mr. Masters.

All right, fine Now, I'd like everybody

back here at : , please.

: .

Oh, uh, Andy, Andy.

( clearing throat )

Uh, Andy, we're in trouble.

Barney's terrible.

Well, I thought he did pretty good, considering.

He enunciated every word.

I know, but there's no voice quality there.

It just comes from his lungs, up through his nose

without ever stopping for modulation.

John, he's the only tenor you got.

Well, we've still got five days until concert time.

I'm going to keep on looking.

There's got to be a decent tenor someplace

in a town of , people.

Last tenor I remember around here was Bruce Flowers.

He could only sing high after a fight with his mother.

Besides, if you replace Barney

at this late date, it's gonna k*ll him.

He's been taking voice lessons from Miss Poultice

and everything.

I'm sorry, Andy, but it's my duty

to try and find the best tenor I can.

BARNEY: Ya all set, Ange?

Uh, right.

I want to get over to my voice lesson

while my voice box and my muscles are still loose.

( harmonizing a scale )

ANDY: Sound pretty loose all right.

BARNEY: Yeah, well...

See ya at : , John.

See ya, Johnny. ( clicks tongue )

You know, Andy, there's no greater feeling

than knowing you were perfect.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

You big lug, you know what I mean.

I was really on in there.

My voice was surging out of my body like Niagara Falls,

coming over that cliff in Rochester, New York.

Buffalo. Huh?

Nothing.

Yeah, my voice was so strong and full,

I could feel the vibrations in my head.

I think that's probably 'cause you was straining so hard.

No, I wasn't pushing, honest.

Let's face it, Ange, I was sonic.

I ought to know...

I was listening to myself.

I noticed you had your eyes closed.

Oh, well, that's just technique.

You know how I knew I was really clicking?

No idea.

I enjoyed it.

Good.

What more reward can an artist ask?

Good afternoon, Barney.

Eleanora.

Come in. Leave your hat right there.

We'll start with your lesson right away.

Beautiful day outside?

Beautiful.

Eleanora?

Yes?

I did the solo today.

No.

Yeah.

Oh, tell me, tell me!

I knocked 'em dead.

Oh, Barney, how wonderful.

All the way through, I didn't miss one word.

I feel it.

I can just feel it.

You're going to be another Leonard Blush.

Oh, well, no, that's too much to ask.

Well, why not?

He just walked in here off the street one day.

Two years later, he sang "The Star-Spangled Banner"

at the opening of the County Insecticide Convention.

The rest is history.

And he still has that radio program, doesn't he?

Third Tuesday every month.

Station YLRB, Mount Pilot.

The big time.

Does he still wear that black mask

when he sings on the radio?

No, no. He just wore that for a year

when he had that skin condition.

Probably emotional.

He went to the top so fast.

Very meteoric, very.

Well, now, enough about Leonard Blush.

Let's get your future settled. Okay.

Have you been practicing your breathing?

Every chance I get.

( breathing heavily )

Good. In through the nose... Out through the mouth.

I've just given you an "A" in breathing.

Oh, my.

Now then.

♪ Me, they, me, they, me, they ♪

♪ Me, they, me, they, me, they ♪

♪ I, O, U, I, O, U, I, O, U ♪

♪ I, O, U, I, O, U, I, O, U ♪

♪ U ♪

♪ U ♪

♪ Hold it ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Round ♪

♪ Round ♪

♪ O, U ♪

♪ Me... ♪

Excellent, excellent.

I was gettin' a cramp in my jaw there.

Oh, that's natural.

That's very natural.

You're discovering mouth muscles you never used before.

Now, then... shall we try your song?

Okay, I'm ready.

"Now is the month of Maying."

( clearing throat )

( Bouncy music playing )

♪ Now is the month of maying ♪

♪ When merry lads are playing ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Each with his bonny lass ♪

♪ Upon the greeny grass ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la la-la-la la la... ♪

Good. Good, Barney. Good.

♪ They, me, they... ♪

♪ Me, they, me, they ♪

♪ Hi, Ange ♪

♪ Me, they, me, they, me, they, me, they, me, they ♪

( clearing throat )

( exhales heavily )

Miss Poultice teach you a new song?

Oh, no.

No, that's a larynx and voice box calisthenic.

Oh. Exercisin', huh?

Well, of a more exotic nature, yeah.

( both chuckling )

Andy?

What's on your mind?

Well, Andy, it, uh...

it looks like I've got it.

( chuckles )

Well, don't get too close to me.

Oh, no, I don't mean a disease.

Well, what have you got?

Well... brace yourself, Andy,

but accordin' to Miss Poultice,

well, I'm a big bundle of singin' talent.

Oh. Miss Poultice told you that, did she?

Well, she compared me to Leonard Blush.

Who?

Leonard Blush.

YLRB, Mount Pilot.

Boy, do you live in a world of your own.

He does all the vocals

on the Ethel Page Organ Recitals.

I've never heard any human words on that...

Just a canary singin' in the background.

Andy, you're ten years behind the times.

That canary hasn't been with her

since she sang Sunday afternoons at the Pot'a Honey Restaurant.

Oh.

Well, what is it you're trying to tell me?

Well...

what I'm tryin' to tell ya is that it's just entirely possible

that the show business lightning

may strike me any day now.

That's just entirely possible.

Uh... Barn... Uh, sit down.

Huh?

Just sit down.

Now, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna tell you

for your own good.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

You're pumpin' up your heels too fast.

What do you mean?

Well, I know you've sung

the tenor solo twice at rehearsals now...

Yeah.

But there's somethin' else you ought to know.

What?

If John Masters finds another tenor,

he just might let him sing the solo.

Well, why, for Pete's sake?

Well, he might like the way the other fella does it.

And just who would this other fella be?

Well, that's what he don't know yet.

But I'm just warnin' ya, if he does find another tenor,

he just might let him sing the solo.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you just let John Masters trot 'em out,

and I'll take 'em one at a time.

( vocalizing scales )

( Barney softly vocalizing scales )

ANDY: Howdy, Gomer.

BARNEY: Hi, Gom.

Hey, Andy! Hey, Barney!

I'm changin' the tire on Mr. Masters' car.

I can see ya are.

People sure are odd.

They see a foreign object in their tire,

and they just got to pull it out,

and when they do that,

the air's just naturally

gonna hiss right out in the street.

Leave it in, and they could drive

to the service station.

Yeah. People sure are odd.

That's a good'un, Andy.

( chuckling )

♪ Now 'neath the silver moon ♪

♪ Ocean is glowing ♪

♪ O'er the calm billow ♪

♪ Soft winds are blowing ♪

♪ Here balmy breezes blow ♪

GOMER: ♪ Pure joys invite us ♪

♪ And as we gently row ♪

♪ All things delight us ♪

♪ Hark, how the sailors... ♪

GOMER: ♪ ...sailors cry ♪

♪ Joyously echoes nigh ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Home of fair poesy ♪

♪ Realm of pure harmony ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia. ♪

Wow. Wonderful.

Just wonderful.

Did you hear that voice, Andy?

Did you hear that beautiful instrument out there?

I sure did.

What did you think, Barney?

Well, not bad. Not bad.

Certainly a potential there.

It's crude, but it's about...

Oh, I'd say... five years away from performin' level.

But I was thinking...

Look, if want to put Gomer in the chorus,

it's okay with me.

Put him behind some girls.

He won't intrude.

All right, thank you, people.

That'll be all.

I'll see you all at lunchtime tomorrow.

Andy, get Gomer in here.

Oh, well, J-John...

Just get Gomer in here, Andy.

Well...

♪ With a gentle unknown woe ♪

♪ Will you think of me ♪

♪ And love me ♪

♪ As you did ♪

♪ Once long ago? ♪

Gomer, that was just beautiful.

Oh, I was just caterwaulin'.

Andy?

Gomer, you certainly have got

a high roof to your mouth.

Aw...

No. I knew you had a strong speakin' voice,

but I had no idea you could sing like that.

Well...

It was just wonderful, Gomer. Thank you.

Y'all gotta excuse me.

I gotta get back to the garage.

Your inner tube needs patchin'.

I'll see ya, hear? Okay, Gomer.

Well, Andy, that settles it.

As of today, Gomer Pyle is my soloist.

You're sure?

Well, Andy, you heard him sing.

He's the best I've heard around here.

Yeah.

Gonna k*ll Barney.

I'm sorry, but I have to think of the group.

After all, we sent to New York for that arrangement.

I know.

Oh, and, Andy,

would you mind telling Barney?

Well, after all, you're his best friend.

I think he'll accept it better from you.

Mmm.

It ain't gonna be easy.

Who'll know the difference years from now?

Well, Barney's not the kind to forget.

BARNEY: ♪ Me, they, me, they ♪

♪ I, O, U... ♪

♪ I, O, U, me, they ♪

♪ Me, they... ♪

♪ Me, they, me, they, me, they... ♪

Hey, Barn?

( vocalizing scales loudly )

Hey, Barn!

Yeah, what do you want?

You wanna step out here a minute.

I got something I wanna talk to you about.

Okay.

( vocalizing )

What do you want?

( humming )

Uh... Barn, uh...

you remember, uh, uh, a few months ago

you was talkin' about how life is kinda like a road,

and sometimes there are smooth places

where the going's nice and easy,

and other times there are places

where you might run into a rut

or a detour or a washed-out bridge?

Yeah, I remember saying that.

Philosophical meanderings you call that.

Lot of truth to it, though.

I agree. I agree. I agree.

Well, you sure were right

when you said that life has its rough spots.

They're just part of living.

Well, now, nobody knows that better than I do.

Heaven knows I've had my share.

But you know something?

I wouldn't trade those rough spots

for all the money in the world.

And you know why?

I'll tell ya.

Every rough spot I've gone through

has added a muscle to my emotional constitution.

I can take anything now.

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.

Cast iron.

'Cause somebody else is gonna sing the solo

at the Chorale Concert.

Oh?

Well, now, remember,

you kinda offered to step aside for a better man.

Well, yeah.

Well, who did they get,

Morton Downey or Kenny Baker? Who?

Gomer.

Huh?

Gomer Pyle.

Gomer?

Yeah.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

I'm fine.

Is, uh, is there anything I can do?

No. I'm fine.

Now, remember what you said about the road, Barn.

You're on the worst part right now.

GOMER: ♪ Home of fair poesy ♪

♪ Realm of pure harmony ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa ♪

♪ Lucia. ♪

Oh, that's fine, Gomer.

That's all for tonight, Hazel.

Thank you.

Night, ma'am.

Sure wish this was tomorrow night

and it was all over with.

I think I'm startin' to get the hives.

No, you'll do fine, Gomer.

Well, I hope so. Sure.

Now, if you can get together with me tomorrow afternoon,

we'll go over it a few more times.

Okay, I'll try, but I got a clogged radiator at : ,

and I got to pack a water pump at : .

I can see you after Mrs. Drum's battery charge, okay?

All right, fine.

( door closes )

Doggone, I forgot my music.

I better duck back in and get it.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow, Gomer.

( distant choir sings ): ♪ Here balmy breezes blow ♪

♪ Pure joys invite us ♪

♪ And as we gently row ♪

♪ All things delight us ♪

( choir fades )

( softly ): ♪ Hark, how the sailors cry ♪

♪ Joyously echoes nigh... ♪

( people chatting, vocalizing scales )

Oh, Andy, are you nervous?

Oh, same old clammy feet, grind in my stomach...

MASTERS: Gomer?

Gomer? Go...?

Andy, where's Gomer?

Well, it takes a few minutes

for a garage man to wash his hands, John.

I know, but... Here he is.

Oh, Gomer, Gomer, thank goodness you're here.

( raspy voice ): You better count me out, Mr. Masters.

What happened to you?

You remember that clogged radiator I told you about?

Flushed out all over my feet.

You mean you're...?

You mean you can't...?

Can't sing a note. See?

( no audio ) Oh... Oh, no.

What are we going to do? This is terrible.

We'll think of something.

Andy, you can't have a concert without a soloist.

What about Barney?

No.

You got no choice, John. No.

He knows the song.

He's been singing with the group all week.

He's prompt and honest.

Nothing else you can do.

Ooh, all right, all right, but where is he?

Ain't he here?

Come on, Gomer, I think I know where he probably is.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss Poultice,

but we need Barney right away.

Big emergency.

I can't sing a note, Barn.

Come on, Barney, the show starts in a few minutes.

You shoulda been there to begin with.

You see, Barney... fate.

Fate will out in the end.

Now, get going.

I don't want to.

What?

And you call yourself a trouper.

You get over to that hall, and give them what for.

You all don't seem to understand.

I'm not a plaything that you can just play with

and then toss to one side.

I've got some pride.

I know you've gotten a raw deal, Barn,

but think of your fellow Mayberrians.

The chorus needs you.

You got to pull us through.

That's right.

I can't. I just can't.

Well, I guess we can return all the money,

and call off the concert.

Bernard Fife, you get on your feet this moment.

As your mentor,

I insist you sing at this concert.

A man with your talent.

Never let it be said

that Bernard Fife let down Eleanora Poultice.

( bugle plays "Charge" )

I'm going on.

My music, Eleanora.

Places everybody, places.

Curtain going up.

One minute.

Ooh, seconds, seconds.

( shushing )

( normal voice ): Good luck, all.

Sing it good, Barney.

Gomer, your voice, it's all right.

Well, I was just... I was just trying...

What are you pulling here?

You were faking.

Well, I knew how much it meant to you...

Shh! Curtain going up.

Well, I don't want your charity.

( Barney and Gomer arguing )

Barney, Gomer, be quiet.

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Now 'neath the silver moon ♪

♪ Ocean is glowing ♪

♪ O'er the calm billow ♪

♪ Soft winds are blowing ♪

♪ Here balmy breezes blow ♪

♪ Pure joys invite us ♪

♪ And as we gently row ♪

♪ All things delight us... ♪

( holding note )

( choir holding note )

( choir holding note )

♪ Hark, how the sailors cry ♪

♪ Joyously echoes nigh ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa Lucia ♪

( choir joins in ): ♪ Santa Lucia ♪

♪ Santa ♪

♪ Lucia. ♪

Really, really, you were just marvelous.

Simply marvelous. Thank you, Miss Poultice.

That's nice of ya.

Now, if you're willing to stick together,

and take a little coaching, I predict your futures

can be as bright as the North Star!

Well, Miss Poultice, we have no ambitions

in that direction.

Oh, now, now, Andy, let me finish.

We'll find a classy, catchy name for you, like, uh...

"The Three Bells."

No, no, that's more for girls, isn't it? Yes.

How about, uh, "The Aristocrats." Well...

Oh, oh, I tell you...

Taylor, Pyle and Fife.

No, no, that's too much like Peter, Pyle and Mary, isn't it?

I'll think of something.

Well, actually, what we are, is two sheriffs and a mechanic,

and we just like to keep it that way.

That's right.

Oh, now, you're sure? Well, yeah.

How about "The Brothers Three?"

No, excuse us, Miss Poultice.

Or "The New Mayberry Minstrels"?

Well, no.

Or "Two Lads and a Sheriff"?

Well...

Like I was trying to tell you,

show business is full of ups and downs.

( all laughing )