04x21 - The Shoplifters

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Hi, Miz Burton!

Miz Burton!

She's a sweet little woman, you know that?

Yes, she is.

Never complains.

Never once have I heard

the tiniest complaint from that woman.

Have you, Ange?

I can't say that I have.

What's she got to complain of?

You kiddin'? Sam.

( makes gulping sounds )

All the time.

You don't mean it.

Oh, don't strike a match

if he's breathin' in your direction.

( imitates expl*si*n )

I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah.

( clucks tongue )

Howdy, d*ck!

d*ck Rinnecker.

Hi, d*ck!

He's got his hat on.

Yeah, I noticed that.

He must've heard

on the radio where the wind might be comin' up today.

I wouldn't wear one of them wigs for all the money in the world.

I'd live in terror I was gonna get caught in a sudden wind.

Ange?

Hmm?

Myra Koontz from the lingerie shop.

Oh, yeah.

What's the matter?

What do you mean?

You're lookin' at Myra and smilin' funny.

Oh, well, I was just thinkin', you know.

You know the story that's goin' around about her.

No, what story is that?

Well, you know.

No, I don't.

What is it?

Aw, come on, you know.

I don't know. Tell me the story.

Well, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell ya.

It's just gossip.

You know how I feel about spreadin' gossip.

Barn... come on.

Tell me the story about Myra.

( chuckles )

Well... ( clears throat )

What they're tellin' about her...

Wait a minute.

Ben Weaver's wavin' at us.

Hi, Ben!

Anyways, Myra...

You know, I don't think that's a friendly wave.

I think he wants us.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Come on.

Did you want us, Ben?

You're darn right.

I called, but there was no one in your office.

No, we've been doing our policin' on the street today.

What's wrong?

Well, plenty! I'm being robbed.

Robbed?! Well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, put that g*n away.

I'm not being robbed right now.

I mean it's not that kind of robbery.

Well, I just mean that things are disappearing from the store.

Well, when'd you notice it, Ben?

BEN: Well, just a minute ago.

I went to get a silver tea set that we had

and it was gone.

I started checking and there's lots more things missing.

Well, somebody's walking off with that stuff.

That's what's happening.

Do you think I need you to tell me that?

Come on, let's go inside, Sheriff.

Business been pretty good lately.

People have been in from all over.

Well, you just put your mind at ease, Mr. Weaver.

This is just a routine police matter.

Lock the doors, Andy, and I'll line 'em up against the wall.

All right, you...!

Oh, Barney! Barney! Do you want to ruin me?

Do you want to break this case or not?

Jus-Just take it easy.

This has got to be handled with kid gloves, Sheriff.

I know, I know, I know, Ben.

Ben, Barney was just tryin' to help.

Yeah... fat lot of thanks I got.

Why don't you just wander around?

Look around the store while I talk to Ben.

All right.

If you want to pussyfoot around about this, it's your business.

Ben, how do you know this stuff ain't bein' lifted at night?

You know, burglary?

Well, I-I got a night watchman, Asa Breeney.

Asa?

Mmm.

What's the matter?

Well, Asa's gettin' pretty old.

I just hope he ain't dozin' on the job.

How much you think is missin', Ben?

Well, I don't know, I haven't totaled it up,

but I can't afford it anyway.

What are you gonna do about giving me police protection?

We'll do what we can, we'll do what we can,

but we can't stay here every minute now.

We're not private detectives.

But I'm bein' robbed blind!

I realize that.

Barney!

Florence.

Now, the best thing for you to do is keep your eyes open

and if you see anything suspicious, give us a call

and we'll come right over.

Oh, I suppose you'd like for me

to get you the crook's name and address

to save you the trouble?

That'd be a help, Ben.

We'll have to be going now.

Barn...

Barn, let's go.

Hey, Andy, you ever see one of these?

It's a beer can opener with an umbrella on it.

Oh. Hmm...

Make a nice gift, wouldn't it?

Yeah. For Mother's Day.

( chuckling ): Mother's Day...

That way she could open cans in the rain

without gettin' her hands wet.

Yeah! You character.

"Without gettin' her hands wet."

Hey, hey... tell me about Myra Koontz.

( clears throat )

Well, Myra...

BEN: Barney!

Put that back or give me a dollar and a quarter.

Come on, Ange.

Sarah, get me five-nine-six.

Oh, I'm fine.

( clears throat )

( humming )

Thelma Lou? Barn.

Yeah. Fine.

Listen, this thing tonight, honey, the movies?

Well, I'm afraid it's out.

Well, somethin' big's come up.

Yeah, police business.

No, it has nothing to do with trash cans.

It's a stakeout!

Yeah, Weaver's store.

Well, they been movin' stuff out of there

and I got a hunch they might be back. Yeah.

Well, sure, I'm goin' in there alone.

I don't want to bother Andy with it.

He's a family man.

It's gotta be done.

Well, listen, honey, there's one more thing.

In case somethin' happens... well, I want you to know

that you're the only one I ever gave a hoot for.

Okay?

And we'll go to the movie tomorrow night, okay?

Okay, keep a good thought.

Yeah, I'll be careful.

Right.

( door slams shut )

( clicking )

( breathing heavily )

( glasses clinking )

( loud thud )

TOY CLOWN: Just keep laughing!

( goofy laugh )

Jabber me Kazooks!

( goofy laugh )

( rings loudly )

( drawer clatters )

( loud clattering )

( loud clanging )

Who's there?

Who's there?

You're all under arrest!

I got you covered!

I got you covered!

Don't sh**t! Don't sh**t!

It's me, Ben Weaver!

They're all over the place.

Where?

Andy, I'm glad you're here!

I've been standin' off the whole g*ng!

What g*ng?

Huh? Wha... wha...?

Nobody here but us?

It looks that way.

Barney, quit wavin' that g*n around

and put it in your holster.

It's a good thing

you guys didn't run into one another.

Somebody might have got hurt.

What are you fellas doin' here?

I thought it was crooks.

Crooks?! There was enough going on here

to wake the dead

and you sleep through the whole thing!

I did not sleep through the whole thing... I got up.

I guess this proves you were right, Sheriff.

I probably was robbed during the night.

Well, it's easy enough with Rip Van Winkle here on guard!

Well, actually, Ben, it proves just the opposite.

What do you mean? Well, I been studyin' about it

and I believe that stuff had to be taken in broad daylight

right durin' business hours.

Yeah? ANDY: You said there was

a dozen or a couple dozen things missin'.

If the crooks was comin' in here at night,

they wouldn't stop at that.

They'd move out the whole store.

You see, Ben? It doesn't happen at night when I'm here.

It happens during the day, when you're here.

Oh...! Pipe down!

Just-just stay awake.

What do you want?

I'm up now, ain't I?

So that's what it is, huh... shoplifters?

Ben, you're bein' robbed blind in broad daylight.

Well, I'll be dogged.

Mmm.

Let's go, Barney.

It was dark in the store, Andy...

I know. I know.

( mumbling )

Morning, Barn.

I say, morning, Barn.

Oh, morning, Andy.

Well, you look like a man with a thought.

I got more than a thought. I got a theory.

Huh? What about?

About who's been doing all the stealing

from Weaver's store.

Oh, really?

Want to hear my theory?

I sure do.

It's not very pretty.

That's all right.

As a matter of fact...

it may come as quite a shock.

That's okay.

Okay.

Ready to hear it?

I'm braced.

All right, let's play it question and answer.

Now, I'll ask the questions,

and you answer yes or no, okay? Okay.

All right, here we go.

(A) Whose store is being robbed?

Uh... No?

What do you mean "no"?

You said answer yes or no.

I meant one word... Answer one word.

You didn't say that.

All right, let's start again from the beginning

and this time answer in one word, okay?

Okay. All right.

(A) Whose store is being robbed?

Weaver's. Right.

(B) Who's going to collect the insurance on those thefts?

Weaver.

Right. Right, right.

(C) Who was creeping around in that store last night?

You were.

What do you mean, I were?

You were.

'Course, I know that's two words.

Now, don't get purposely obtuse, Andy.

The answer is Weaver!

Well, I missed it.

Well, play the game! Play the game!

I hate it when you get obtuse.

Now, where'd I leave off? "C."

(All right. D) Who in their entire life

ever got a bargain in Weaver's store?

Uh... Weaver?

Aw, come on, Andy,

I'm trying to give you the name of the criminal

and you won't accept it.

The answer is nobody!

Nobody's the criminal?

Boy, when you get obtuse...

Well, I'm sorry, Barn, but I just don't know

what you're aiming at.

Well, then let me spell it out for you.

Weaver is stealing from his own store.

Oh, come on.

For the insurance! Don't you see, Andy?

He spirits those things out of the store,

collects on the insurance

and then sells the merchandise besides.

He gets double on everything.

Oh, Barney, that's just plain nonsense.

Weaver's no crook.

He-He's a sharp businessman, maybe,

but he wouldn't steal.

He's one of our most respected citizens,

one of our best church-going members.

He knows every hymn in the book.

Oh, that's just a front.

You watch him sometime when we're singing

"Leaning on The Everlasting Arms."

He don't even know the words! He just moves his lips.

Well, nevertheless,

your theory about Weaver stealing from himself

is just plain hogwash.

Want to hear another theory?

No. Asa.

Barney... Now, what we're looking for

is a plain, ordinary shoplifter.

Now, the store's going to open in about minutes.

Why don't you go on over there

and give Ben the feeling

we're giving him a little cooperation.

If that's the way you want it.

It is.

Now, be as inconspicuous as possible

and keep your eyes open.

I'll be over and relieve you after a while.

Will you take one look in the trunk of Weaver's car?

No.

( sighs )

Morning, Ben.

Oh, morning, Sheriff.

Everything all right?

Oh, as far as I know.

I've been keeping my eyes open.

Where's Barney?

Barney?

How should I know?

Ain't he here?

I sent him over here about an hour ago.

Well, I ain't seen him.

Huh.

Psst.

Psst.

Andy.

Barney?

( whispering ): Keep your voice down.

Don't look at me.

Just act natural.

Now, stand by.

I got my eyes on our bird right now.

You mean the shoplifter?

Yeah. Keep moving.

Wait for my signal.

Well... Barney... I said go, go, go, go!

All right.

( muffled sneeze )

No, thank you, Leon.

No, thank you.

Scram, Leon, scram.

No, Leon.

( grunting urgently )

Please, Leon, I am on a case!

Say, isn't that Barney Fife?

Say, it does look like him, doesn't it?

Except the dummy's much better looking.

( laughter )

What's going on here?

Something wrong...?

Barney?!

If you'd just waited a couple of more minutes...

I'll have to make my move now.

Follow me. Andy!

All right, sweetheart, the game's up.

This is the end of the line for you.

What? What's the meaning of this?

Barney, what are you doing?

I'm nabbing your shoplifter, that's what I'm doing.

Shoplifter?

Are you accusing me...?

Well, of all the nerve.

How dare you!

Barney, are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?

I'd stake my reputation as a police officer.

She's the one, all right.

A stranger in town, too.

Uh, uh, folks,

would you just go on back about your business.

Go on about your shopping, ladies.

Boys, go about your business.

Uh, ma'am...

Just take a look in the bag, Andy.

That's all you need.

Are you out of your mind?

The bag, sweetheart... Empty it out!

You mean you want to see what I have in my bag?

That's right, sweetheart. Very well!

You see? This is all I have in here.

My knitting... and this.

I always carry this with me wherever I go.

Uh... a Bible?

Barney!

ANDY: Ben, take it easy, just take it easy.

Ma'am, I'm afraid we've made a terrible mistake.

You certainly have.

What I should do is sue this store.

Sue it for every penny they've got.

Oh... please, madam, we all make mistakes.

Sheriff, get him out of here!

All right, Ben. Come on, Barn.

I saw her. I saw her with my own eyes.

Forget it, Barn.

This is a terrible disgrace to me.

I seen her with my own eyes.

Now, I couldn't have been wrong!

I just couldn't have!

Just take it easy, Barn.

BEN: Barney!

Bring back that jacket and hat.

I was just trying to help you is all.

Barney, you made a couple of mistakes in there.

In the first place,

you've got to be awful, awful careful

of who you accuse of shoplifting.

But, Andy, I seen her with my own eyes.

Now, how much more careful...?

And in the... in the second place,

you never make your arrest inside the store.

No matter what a person's got

on them inside the store,

they can always claim they was gonna pay for it.

But what's that got to do with the fact that...

But when... when you get them outside,

and they got anything they don't have a sales slip for...

Andy, you want to just postpone the lecture?

Right now, I just want to get out of here

and forget the whole thing.

Don't go.

I got a little line on a suspect myself.

Huh? You've got a suspect?

Well, who is he?

Is he inside the store?

Just coming out.

There's our man now.

Huh?!

Let's go.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

What? Oh, you again.

Yes, ma'am.

Barney, go get me a bathroom scales.

Bathroom... Go get it now.

You want me to open my bag up and empty it for you?

No, ma'am, that won't be necessary.

What are you doing, Sheriff?!

Don't tell me you're bothering

this sweet little old lady again.

Yes, he is, and I'm getting sick and tired of it, too.

This time I am going to sue.

Andy!

Take it easy, Ben.

Here's the scale.

Just put it right down there.

Now you want to step up on there?

No, I don't.

Just-Just step right up there.

I don't see any... reason.

pounds?

Wow. She must be solid.

I only weigh myself.

I can't believe all that weight's flesh and bones.

You sure you don't have

a few other items you'd like to tell us about?

BARNEY: Look at that!

A traveling pawn shop!

See, I told you I saw her with my own eyes.

See, I had her cold!

You knew, too, didn't you, Ange, you son of a g*n?

What tipped you off?

Well, I'll tell you, Ben.

Inside the store, there,

I accidentally bumped into her

and she clanked.

( clanking )

And little old ladies ought never to clank.

Unless they're headed for the clink.

( laughing )

All right, come on.

Let's go. Let's move it.

Come on, come on.

Take the scales back.

Let's go, come on.

A little time behind bars

may cure you of your taking ways, lady.

Well, the Weaver case is solved and closed.

Right.

Try to put something over on the law around here, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels good to be able to relax, you know that?

Yeah, it sure does.

Hey, hey, now would be a good time to tell me.

Tell you what?

You know, that story that's going around about Myra Koontz.

Oh, that.

Yeah.

You really don't know?

No, I don't know.

Well, okay.

You're gonna love this.

Well, you remember when

that fella came through from Chattanooga?

Where's your g*n?

Huh? Your g*n. Did you leave it in the car?

All right, hand it over!

Come on!

Hand it over.

Hey, Barn?

Tell me the story about Myra Koontz.