04x25 - Divorce, Mountain Style

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

What'd you and Thelma Lou do

after the movie last night?

Oh, we dropped by at Nelson's Hardware Store.

He's got a new window display.

Bicycle accessories.

Bicycle accessories?

Yeah, he's featuring a transparent plastic tool kit.

You know, that you can hang on the bicycle seat.

They're really practical, you know that?

I mean, say you've got a pair of pliers,

a screwdriver, a wrench,

and say a half a candy bar.

Well, you know at a glance what you got.

Well, I don't know.

I prefer the solid black ones.

I mean, what I got in my bicycle kit is my business.

I suppose.

Yoo-hoo!

Can I come in?

ANDY: Well, Charlene Darling Wash.

Hi, Charlene.

Bless your heart. How are ya?

Come on in here.

I declare. Hi.

Hi, Mr. Deputy.

Hi. How are you? Where's, uh...

where's Mr. Darling and Dud, and the boys?

Oh, they're still up in the mountains, I reckon.

You mean you made that long trip

all by yourself? Uh-huh.

Well, how, for heaven's sake?

( high-pitched whistle )

( all laughing )

Well, what-what brings you

in town all alone, Charlene?

Oh, I-I just thought I'd come in.

Oh. Doin' a little clothes-buyin', are ya?

No, I ain't here for store-shoppin'.

Oh? I just got a tiny errand.

I see.

I wonder if maybe you could help me out.

Well, sure, I'll be glad to.

I want you to drive me somewhere.

Well, certainly, Charlene.

Where do you wanna go?

I can't tell you that.

You-you can't tell me?

I'll tell ya when we get there.

Well, can't you give me a little hint?

No, you'll see.

Well, you certainly are bein' mysterious.

I'll tell you later.

Oh, well... Well, look, Andy,

it's time to check the town anyway,

so, why don't we just go?

Well... All right, I'll just get my coat.

I better tell Sarah. Come on, Charlene.

I declare, you're just a sight for sore eyes,

Bless your heart.

( door opens and closes )

Hello, Sarah? Deputy Fife.

Look, Andy and me are going to be out for a little while,

so if any emergency calls come in, or any problems come up...

we won't be here.

You wanna stop here?

That's an oak tree, ain't it?

Yeah.

Then this is where I wanna stop.

Is there a shovel in the back of the car?

Sure. That's part of our official equipment.

Can I use it?

Uh, Charlene... Ange?

I think I know what she's up to now.

What?

I'll explain later.

I'm not sure yet.

There you are.

You get it now?

Looks like she's going to bury that sack.

Yeah. My guess is

there's somebody sick up in the mountains,

and this is part of the cure...

Kind of a ritual.

I guess that's why she's so mysterious.

Yeah. Could be part of the ritual.

Could even be that she's the one

seeking the cure herself.

Maybe she's trying to get rid of the warts

or she's got the "versitis" or some sickness like that.

( clearing throat )

( inaudible ) Go on.

It ain't like you to deny the sick.

Go on.

( clearing throat )

Beak of owl, strip of swine,

tooth of the comb. Take mine from thine.

Kinaba in, kinaba out.

Kinaba in and 'round about.

Done and done.

Good.

How do you feel?

Wonderful.

Now, I can be yours.

Wait a minute, Charlene. Wait a minute.

This ain't got anything to do with curin' any sickness.

Oh, I ain't curin' any sickness.

I'm gettin' a divorce.

A what?!

Well, I just buried the beak of an owl,

four tail feathers from a chicken hawk,

a piece of bacon and a broke comb,

and I incanted over 'em.

That's the divorce proceedin's.

From now till the moon comes full,

is the waitin' period.

Let me get this straight.

You're divorcin' Dud Wash?

Yes! Why?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Last Sunday preachin', I caught him

lookin' at Idelle Bushy, grinnin' at her.

Well, Charlene... Two can play that game.

I'm gonna teach him a lesson he ain't gonna forget.

Now Charlene, you might be gettin' a little hasty here.

So he grinned at another girl, so what?

Well, she ain't just another girl.

He used to go with her,

and he ain't lost it all for her yet.

Oh. That ain't all.

You know what else he did?

He went huntin' foxes with old Hasty Burford,

and he didn't come home till Wednesday week.

Maybe he's tryin' to get you some makin's for a fox pie

or a nice fur collar to wear to preachin'.

No, he wasn't.

I know what they do up there in the hills.

They sit around drinkin' hard cider

and punchin' each other in the arms

and hollerin' "flinch!"

I don't want him anymore.

It's plain he just don't love me.

ANDY: Well, now, Charlene, that can't be so.

I'm gonna teach him a lesson he ain't gonna forget.

I'm gonna leave him... and marry you.

ANDY: Charlene...

Charlene, we're here.

We're here, Charlene. We're here.

Charlene, we're here.

Now, Charlene... we're gonna have to go in

and have a serious talk about this.

Now, this is ridiculous.

Andy, I'm gonna go over to the library and...

Gosh, you're pretty.

What are you goin' over there for?

Well, uh, I'm gonna get a book on mountain folklore...

Do a little research.

I'm gonna get you out of this.

I'm not in anything to get out of.

Well, uh...

I'll just get you off the hook, fella.

Don't you worry.

Now, Charlene... ( clearing throat )

Charlene... we're goin' in here,

and we're gonna have a talk about this thing.

Pa.

ANDY: Mr. Darling.

Charlene Darling Wash... runnin' away!

Leavin' a weepin' husband for us to comfort.

I had to, Pa.

I couldn't live with that Dud Wash another minute.

Young'uns...

You don't know when you're well off.

It don't make sense runnin' away

from a good man like Dud Wash.

Howdy, Sheriff.

How many young girls

do you know has got a wood floor,

and a husband that hardly ever hits ya?

Makes no sense talkin' about it, Pa.

The deed's done.

Do you mean the proceedin's is in the ground?

Uh-huh.

Who's standin' on your right side for the incantation?

Lover Sheriff.

Now, wait a minute.

I had no idea what she was up to.

Now-now, we're-we're gonna have to sit down

and discuss this thing intelligently.

I'll talk first.

Ever since the day one when you two met,

you been lockin' eyeballs with one another.

Now, wait a minute.

I ain't done yet.

You been engrossin' her, charmin' her,

wooin' her on by pretendin' you don't like her.

Not for one minute have I ever wooed Charlene.

Oh, I've seen how you hold in your stomach

when she's around.

Look, she makes me nervous when she's around.

My stomach gets tense.

That's love.

Now, look, Mr. Darling,

you don't go along with this divorce and marriage, do you?

I wouldn't, but the fact is

the ritual's been performed right and proper.

Deed's been done.

So... come the next full moon...

we's gonna have ourselves a ceremony.

I found it.

Found what?

A book on mountain folklore.

What do you want with that?

What do I want with it?

Andy, you're in a jam.

I'm gonna get you out of it.

I'm not in any jam,

and I'm not goin' along with this foolishness.

Look, Andy, this is more serious than you realize.

Barn, this is ridiculous.

Look, Andy, why do you think

I got this book in the first place?

There's an antidote in here for the divorce proceedings.

Not interested.

Here, I'll show ya.

( mumbling ) broken collar.

Oh, here.

"If the intended should dig up the proceedings

"before the moon comes full,

the divorce proceedings are null and void."

Forget it.

Andy, I've heard you say a thousand times

if there's a peaceful way, take it.

Barn... Look, it'll be dark.

Nobody's gonna see you.

If I dig up that stuff,

it means that I believe in all this hocus-pocus.

To the contraire.

It means you're smart enough

to b*at 'em at their own game.

Come on, let's get the shovel.

No.

I want no part of it.

MAN: Home-wrecker!

ANDY: Dud!

I accuse. Easy, Dud.

You done stole my darlin' Charlene,

and now you're gonna have to pay.

Well, how we gonna fight it out, g*ns?

Now, Dud, listen...

All right, then, bitin' in boots!

Dud... All right, how about willow branches

Listen... and whittlin' knives, huh?

How about just plain slappin' and buttin', huh?

You want to fight bare elbows only?

Dud... Bare feet?

Wanna fight one leg and one arm?

Come on now, Sheriff.

Make up your mind, Sheriff.

I'm gettin' tired of this. You gettin' tired?

Wanna fight layin' down, buttin' heads?!

( rapping on window )

If this divorce goes final, I warn you, Sheriff,

your name will be an oath upon my lips.

Shall we get the shovel?

Silly. It's just silly.

Well, everything's going along just fine...

Smooth as clockwork.

We just got out of the car.

The real foolishness hasn't started yet.

Come on. Let's dig up the divorce.

Wait a minute.

You're the bridegroom.

Go on.

Go on.

Boy, I've done some foolish things in my time,

but this takes the whole biscuit.

Cut it out, Barn.

Quit clowning.

Mr. Darling.

Evenin', son.

Me and the boys figured

you might take some kind of a measure.

Now, why don't you just go on home

and forget all this nullin' and voidin'?

Mr. Darling, I'm a peaceful man by nature,

but I can get riled to action

if there's no other way.

Fine.

It's good to get bad blood out of a marriage.

Now, you're a pretty fair size.

So, I figure the five of us agin' you ain't too bad.

What'll it be, bitin' in boots?

How 'bout willow branches and whittlin' knives?

Now, look, I'm not stupid enough

to get myself all b*at up and cut up

over a silly superstition

that I want nothing to do with in the first place.

Good. I knowed you'd come around

to our way of thinkin'.

Uh, look away, boys.

It ain't proper to look at a betrothed couple

while's they's a-communin' with one another.

( kissing noises )

Well, the moon will be full tomorrow night.

Yeah.

Ange?

Hmm?

You know, you've never really looked

on the bright side of this situation.

Is there one?

Well, sure. Let's examine it.

She's a very pretty girl.

She's got a good singin' voice.

You both love music.

Clean Briscoe and the boys up,

they wouldn't be too tough to live with.

You got this good-sized house.

Opie could use a mother.

Let me get this straight.

Are you suggesting

that I spend the rest of my life

with a skinny, giggling girl

years younger than I am?

Is that what you're suggesting?

I was just trying to help.

Hmm.

I'm going to take another look in the book.

Oh, that ain't going to help anything.

You never know.

There's a lot of good stuff in this book.

"Put a willow chip under a dog's head

"while he's dreaming,

"and then put it under your own pillow,

you'll have the same dream."

I didn't know that.

"If a rider dressed in black,

"riding east to west on a white horse,

"in the light of a full moon,

"passes a bridegroom,

he is cursed, and the union is cursed."

Hmm.

Let me see that.

What?

That part about the white horse.

Where is that? Right there.

Let's see that.

"If a rider dressed in black,

"riding east to west on a white horse,

"in the light of a full moon, passes a bridegroom,

he is cursed, and the union is cursed."

Barn, that's it.

Huh? Well, don't you see,

the Darlings will come here and get me for the wedding,

we'll walk over to Preacher Winslow's house,

the white horse comes by, and it's over.

Yeah. Yeah!

All we need is somebody

willing to dress up in a black outfit

and ride a white horse!

Some patsy!

( neighing )

I feel like a real idiot.

Black makes me look so thin.

You look fine.

Yeah? ( sneezes )

You comin' down?

I'm allergic to horsehair, if you must know.

I didn't know that.

Well, you know now.

( nasally ): Remember when we were kids,

and we all had our pictures taken on the pony? Yeah.

Well, not me.

Had mine taken sittin' on the hood

of my uncle's Hudson Terraplane.

Sneezin' or no,

you got to go through this for me.

Watch it, stupid!

Easy, Barn, he's a gentle ol' fella.

He won't hurt you.

Yeah? You wear a ruby ring and ride an old horse,

the horse will go mad.

Where did you hear that?

The book! The book! Watch it! Whoa!

You ain't wearin' a ruby ring.

He don't know that. ( sneezes )

Get on. Let me see how you look.

Don't do that, Ange. I'll do it.

No, no... I'm just trying to help you up.

I want to do it by myself!

All right.

( sneezes )

Just get on.

Okay, you look fine.

Don't tell him to move yet.

You'll have to do that.

You'll have to tell him to move.

Now, give me a half hour.

And remember, east to west. East to west.

Don't tell me... tell him.

( sneezes )

♪ Sunny on the mountaintop, shady in the holler ♪

♪ Everywhere my true love goes, I'll be bound to foller ♪

♪ Shady grove, my little love ♪

♪ Shady grove, my dear ♪

♪ Shady grove, my little love ♪

♪ Goin' away from here ♪

♪ Wish I had a needle and thread ♪

♪ Fine as I could sew ♪

♪ Sew my love to my coattail ♪

♪ And down the road I'd go ♪

♪ I wish I had a pig in a pen ♪

♪ Corn to feed him on ♪

♪ A big strong man to stay at home ♪

♪ And feed him when I'm gone ♪

( high-pitched whistle )

♪ Shady grove, my little love ♪

♪ Shady grove, my dear ♪

♪ Shady grove, my little love ♪

♪ Goin' away from here ♪

♪ Shady grove, my little love ♪

♪ Shady grove, my dear ♪

♪ Shady grove, my little love ♪

♪ Goin' away from here. ♪

( laughing )

Real good! Real good!

Well, Sheriff!

Lover, darlin'!

I didn't think you was gonna show up.

Thought I was goin' to have to come get you.

Oh, no, Mr. Darling.

I decided to go right along with you

on this marriage idea.

You're sweeter than sourwood honey.

Well, the moon's full and Charlene's free.

Let's get on down to the preacher's house,

and get this marryin' over with.

Uh, could we, uh...

could we, uh, could we, uh,

uh, uh, uh, wait a little bit?

Why?

Well, I hardly ever see your pa,

and I thought we'd just visit for a while.

Oh, there'll be time for that.

Dad-blame you, Sheriff, you did it!

Come on now, let's fight!

Knives and branches? Dud...

Kickin' and bitin'?

How about just plain stompin'?

You name it.

How about just name-callin'?

'Cause I got a name for you, Sheriff.

Sheriff, you know what that name is, huh, Sheriff?

Ready, Sheriff?

Uh, well... Boys.

I'm gonna tell you what you are, Sheriff!

I'm gonna tell you what you are, Sheriff. Boys.

You want to know what you are, Sheriff?

I'm gonna tell you right now, Sheriff.

I'm gonna tell you what you are you right now!

You are...!

Do... do we have to walk so fast?

You got a sore foot?

Yeah.

You better put a buckeye in your pocket,

and do the incant for a sore foot.

( sneezing )

Come on, the other way.

East to west.

Come on! East to west.

East to west. Move!

Come on, boy! Come on, come on.

No, thataway!

East... east to west!

Come on, let's go!

Come on! Come on! Go!

( sneezes )

Uh, uh, I, uh, I think, uh,

I... I think I lost my comb.

Boys.

You look fine.

Just fine.

Better than fine.

Real pretty.

Gosh, you're prettier than a pink rose.

East to west, you fool!

( sneezes )

East to west, east to west!

Giddyap. Come on. Giddyap. Giddy...

Evenin', Barney.

Floyd.

You seem to be on a horse.

Yes, Floyd, I am.

The reason I was so surprised was-was,

I just wasn't expecting it.

Come on, come on.

Come on, let's go, come on.

Don't leave on my account.

Pain of heel, ache of toe,

vanish now from my sweet beau.

It might not work.

I don't have a buckeye in my pocket.

Well... ( hoofbeats approaching )

That's north to south.

Let's get on.

East to west, east to west!

East to west.

Come on. Come on, you!

You, move!

Come on!

( growls )

The other way!

Stop! Stop right where you are!

Charlene, you can't go through with this.

It's too late, Dudley J. Wash.

It's done and done.

You've gotta take me back, Charlene.

Our love can never die.

Oh, pooh. But I love you, Charlene.

I swear, with all my worldly belongings

and my heart, I love you truly.

What about Idelle Bushy?

What about her?

I'll never look at Idelle Bushy again.

Boys.

Hey, wait a minute.

I think I hear something important.

( hoofbeats approaching )

( sneezes )

Pa...

Pa, it's the curse of the white horse.

The curse of the white horse.

With a black rider.

Goin' east to west.

Serves you right. Serves you right!

The white horse knew. The white horse knew.

Charlene's and my love will never die.

Oh, Dud!

Look away, boys.

Look away.

( lively music playing )

( song ends )

Oh, was that ever extra good!

Extra good!

Don't that make you feel good?

Oh, it does, it does.

You know, Sheriff, I'm kind of sorry

it didn't work out betwixt you and...

I kinda like you.

ANDY: Let's just be happy for the young'uns.

Let's do another'un for 'em.

All right.

How about "Boil Them Cabbage Down"?

Oh, no, Pa, that makes me cry.

Just try to control yourself.

All right, boys.

A one, a two and a one.

( lively music plays )

♪ Boil them cabbage down ♪

♪ Bake them biscuits brown ♪

♪ The only song that I can sing ♪

♪ Is boil them cabbage down ♪

♪ Grandma had a muley cow ♪

♪ Muley since she's born ♪

♪ Took a jaybird years ♪

♪ To fly from horn to horn

♪ Well, boil them cabbage down ♪

♪ Bake them biscuits brown ♪

♪ The only song that I can sing ♪

♪ Is boil them cabbage down ♪

♪ Love him in the summertime ♪

♪ Love him in the fall ♪

♪ If I can't have my own true love ♪

♪ Won't have none at all ♪

♪ Yonder stands my own true love ♪

♪ Reckon how I know ♪

♪ Both her eyes do shine for me ♪

♪ Clear as mornin' glow ♪

Ya-hoo!

♪ Yes, boil them cabbage down ♪

♪ Bake them biscuits brown ♪

♪ The only song that I can sing ♪

♪ Is boil them cabbage down. ♪ ( song ends )