04x28 - The Return of Malcolm Merriweather

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Will you sit down?

You're gonna wear a groove in the floor.

Well, where's Aunt Bee with lunch?

She's usually here and gone by now.

She's a little late.

Well, I'm hungry, Ange.

She'll be along in a few minutes, relax.

Well, I happen to have this low-sugar blood content,

and if I don't get my lunch by noon,

then I get a headache, and I'm no good to anybody.

You know that.

Few minutes one way or the other

shouldn't make any difference.

Well, it does to me.

I got a clock in my stomach.

You must have.

I go by that clock, too. Uh-huh.

Tick, tick. I know it's time for lunch.

Tick, tick. I know it's time for dinner.

My mother was the same way.

I remember that about your mother.

She had a clock in her stomach.

Hey, Barn?

These clocks you and your mother had in your stomachs,

did the ticking keep your father awake at night?

You want to get facetious?

You want to get facetious about the whole thing?

Is that what you want to do, get facetious? No...

Well, just don't get facetious. Well, I...

That happens to be a very common thing...

Clock in the stomach.

I know, I know, I know.

Aunt Bee once had an elephant she kept on the mantle piece,

and it had a clock in its stomach.

Now don't get mad.

I was just kidding.

I don't mind you kidding me about my stomach,

but don't kid about my mother's stomach.

Well, I wouldn't think of it.

Well, just don't, that's all.

I've got to draw the line someplace, for Pete's sake.

Hello, boys.

ANDY: Oh, hi, Aunt Bee.

I'm late. I'm sorry.

I... but I had to get my wash hung out.

I hope you're not starved.

Oh, no, that's all right.

It's a good thing you got here

when you did though.

Barney's clock was about to go off.

I didn't say anything about your mother.

What? Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, this is some kind of a lunch.

What is it, tuna fish sandwiches

with little sweet gherkins cut into 'em?

Mm-mmm.

Mmm... mm! Good.

Chocolate brownies with walnuts in 'em.

Boy, you go to way yonder too much trouble

for us, Aunt Bee, you know that?

We got to give you a title or something.

Miss Luncheon Tray or something like that?

Oh, stop it. I have no time to listen to such blarney.

I've got a cake in the oven,

and I've got ironing to do and supper to get, and...

Ooh, ooh, I better take the tray.

No, I won't. I'll get it later.

I hope you have enough, if you don't...

You have enough.

ANDY: Bye.

I don't know how she does all she does.

Cooks, cleans, sews, shops,

takes care of Opie.

I wonder if she knows

how much we really appreciate

everything she does for us.

Well, will you quit eating and say something!

She does!

I hope so.

Anybody that does as much as she does...

( car horns honking )

( tires screech )

( horns honking )

What in the world's that?

( tires screeching )

I'm terribly sorry about that.

I had a little altercation with the man in the black car.

( horns honking )

What in the world's going on?

Don't look like anybody got hurt.

Barn, you know who that is?

That's Malcolm Merriweather.

Who?

Malcolm Merriweather.

English fellow come through here

about a year ago, remember?

It won't happen again, I promise you.

Bye-bye for now.

Well, hello, Judge.

Hey. Hi there, Malcolm.

Hi. Hello.

I say you, uh,

you notice I don't drive on the left anymore.

Yeah, we-we notice that.

Of course I, uh, don't drive on the right quite yet

but I'm halfway there.

So I travel around and pick up odd jobs

as butler or manservant to help defray expenses, you see.

And in between, I can take these little sight-seeing trips.

Oh, yeah. My, it's quite a country, America.

Quite a country. Well...

Well, yeah, it is a pretty nice country.

We like it ourselves.

Of course, I like the historical places best.

From here, I was hoping to go to Gettysburg. Oh.

Oh, well, if you like historical places,

you ought to get over to Bunker Hill.

That's where we gave you fellows

a shellacking back there in ' .

Actually, of course, the British won that battle.

Hmm?

Oh, yes, there were quite a few British victories.

There was, uh, Bunker Hill, Lexington, Concord.

Yeah, well, we won, didn't we?

Hey, Malcolm... uh, you say you, uh,

you, uh, pick up odd jobs along the way,

to help pay for the trip?

Oh, I have to.

It's shocking the way money goes.

Just shocking.

I had dinner in a restaurant last night,

and you'll never guess what the bill was.

and sixpence three farthings.

Why that's almost a quid, give or take a bob or two.

And by the time you've left a tip,

you're into a guinea.

Oh, well, you got to spend a quid and some bobs

for anything decent.

Shocking it is.

Just shocking.

Well, listen, I was just thinking...

Since traveling around is so expensive,

and you have to pick up these odd jobs

to pay for your trip,

how'd you like to come over and work at my house for a while?

Aunt Bee's got way yonder too much to do.

You'd be a big help.

Are you, uh, are you offering me a position?

I am, and it's more than a position.

You'd be staying with friends.

What do you say?

Aren't you kind?

Aren't you kind?

Aunt Bee? Aunt Bee, listen...

Andy, did you wipe your feet?

I just got finished doing these floors,

I don't want them all trashed.

Yes, ma'am, I wiped them twice.

Listen, Aunt Bee...

What are you doing home so early anyways?

Well, you remember

down at the courthouse a little while ago,

you were saying how you had all this work to do?

What?

Well, your troubles are over.

Help has arrived.

What are you talking about?

Come on in, Malcolm.

Hello, Miss Bee. Oh...

You remember Malcolm Merriweather,

come through here last year?

Of course.

Malcolm, well, what a surprise.

( chuckles )

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My word, you do look fit.

A regular bobby dazzler.

Lovely as ever, I say. Lovely as ever.

Oh, what a way to greet a guest.

Well, that's just it, Aunt Bee.

Malcolm's more than a guest.

He's gonna work here.

Malcolm?

Yeah, he's gonna stay right here,

and work for us.

Oh! Oh, oh. Ooh, then I'd better...

Oh, the guest room.

I'll go right up and straighten it.

Oh, now, don't you worry about a thing, mum.

Just leave it to me. Oh, no, no, no.

You don't know where the sheets are.

I have to straighten up the closet.

Just give me a moment to tidy up,

and you sit down and make yourself comfortable.

Oh, the one time I skip the guest room...

( sighs )

She is a dear, isn't she?

She sure is.

Well, I may as well get cracking, aye?

Oh, here.

Thank you very much.

Oh, boy. ( sighs )

Great idea having Malcolm stay with us, huh?

Well, I don't know.

What?

Well, he can do anything... Cook, clean.

Think of all the leisure time you're going to have.

Well... Sure.

Watch TV.

You know that show you like

where everybody's sick and in the hospital?

You can watch the whole thing

instead of peeping at it through the kitchen door.

Sit right there and watch every operation

without missing a single stitch.

No, no, I couldn't.

Why not?

Having a man around the house all day...

I don't know.

Well, young man, it's long past your bedtime.

Sure is.

You better get on up there.

What about that trick?

Mmm...

you said you'd think about it.

And what do you think that is?

Ladies and gentlemen, from the mysterious Orient,

a trick that has confused the crowned heads of Europe.

A simple tear in this piece of newspaper.

And now, if I could have one volunteer

from the audience, please?

I'll volunteer.

Thank you, sir. You'll do very nicely.

If you'll kindly hold that gently in either hand,

and I'll say the magic words:

Inky, stinky, pinky, poo.

Abracadabra, one, two, three

and there we have a paper ladder.

Oh!

Gee, thanks, Mr. Malcolm.

Now that's for you to climb upstairs to bed with.

Hey! Hey! Don't forget to say good night

and give your Aunt Bee a big hug.

Good night, Opie.

Night, Aunt Bee.

Night, Paw.

Night, Ope.

Well, goodness, what am I doing sitting here?

I have to get at those dishes.

MALCOLM: They're all finished, mum.

They are? Yes.

I found some laundry dampening so I took the liberty...

You ironed?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Ironed, folded and nicely put away.

Come on, Opie, let's hurry up.

MALCOLM: Oh, good morning, Miss Bee.

My goodness, I must have overslept.

Where's Andy and Opie?

They have their breakfast?

Oh, yes indeed, mum.

Had it and gone.

Oh, well, why didn't somebody call me?!

Now, mum, as I understand it,

the whole idea is for you to sit back, relax,

and enjoy yourself.

So, sit yourself down here, and, uh,

I'll see that you get your breakfast.

Well, where... Uh, coffee, mum?

Uh, thank you.

There you are.

Uh, cream?

Please.

A little cream.

Uh, sugar?

No, no, no. No sugar. Thank you.

No sugar.

Now, perhaps you'd like to, uh, read the morning paper,

and I'll get your egg for you?

Boy, I'm getting hungry.

Ain't you hungry, Ange?

Clock in your stomach bothering you?

Tummy going ticktock?

Now don't start up with me again, Andy.

I didn't say a word about your mother.

You know, you got a warped sense of humor.

Warped!

But you just go on and talk

'cause I ain't even gonna listen to you.

Well, I... ( humming )

You want to make fun of me all the time

'cause I got this low- sugar blood content?

Is that you want?

I get hungry. Hmm.

Oh, you're hungry?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

Well, why didn't you say something?

You could've gone out.

'Cause Aunt Bee won't be bringing lunch today.

You're kidding.

No. I told her not to bother

making up our lunches anymore.

You told her not to bother making up...?

You're warped!

Barney, I'm not warped.

Aunt Bee's a lady of leisure now,

and I told her not to bother making up our lunches anymore.

ANDY: Well, it's Mayberry's Outstanding Club Woman.

How'd the meeting go?

Just fine.

But can't I bring you some lunch?

Now there's no work to making tuna fish sandwiches.

Well, if you really want to...

Absolutely not.

Now we'll go to the diner and get something.

But I feel funny not doing it.

Oh, can't I bring you something?

Oh, she really wants to... No.

Hello, Miss Bee.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Gentlemen, a little high tea.

What's that?

What in the world...?

Andy: Well, what in the world is that?

BARNEY: Looks like a big ravioli.

Just a Cornish pasty, that's all.

ANDY: What's a Cornish pasty?

Well, you see, there's meat and potatoes in one end,

and plum pudding in the other.

So you start with meat and potatoes,

and work your way through to the dessert.

Well, what do you think of that, huh?

BARNEY: Isn't that something.

ANDY: Salad, pickles, olives, oh, boy.

It's good-bye waistline with you around, Malcolm.

I'll tell you that.

Goodness, you boys won't be satisfied

with tuna fish sandwiches anymore, will you?

I've never seen... What'd you say, Aunt Bee?

Nothing. Nothing.

I-I'm just going along.

ANDY: Okay, go ahead,

and have a good time, Aunt Bee.

Boy, is this a lunch?

I ask you, is this a lunch?

BARNEY: Tell the truth now, Malcolm,

you used to cook for the King of England, did you?

( Andy chuckles )

I can't wait to get in this.

Mm-mmm!

Opie!

Opie!

What's the matter, Aunt Bee?

Where is that boy?

He has to go to Jimmy Farrington's birthday party.

Well, he's not out back.

I bet he's still in his overalls.

You know, it's like pulling teeth

to get that boy to go anywhere.

Hi, Paw!

Hi, Aunt Bee!

Well, I'm going to the party now.

Well, don't you look sharp.

Mr. Malcolm says I'm well turned out today.

I've never seen your hair look so neat.

That's 'cause he loaned me his hair tonic.

Here, smell.

Mm! Mm!

It comes all the way from England. Oh...

Yeah, and he's going to the party with me.

I'm just going to show them a few magic tricks, you know.

I see. He's going to teach us some games

and make paper trees and everything.

Come on, Mr. Malcolm.

Well, bye, Ope.

Bye, Paw. Bye, Aunt Bee.

Oh, by the way,

I put the roast in the oven,

and I'll be back to turn it off, so not to worry.

Well...

looks like you got the day off.

Not me. I got to go to work.

I'll see you.

( both humming )

Come on out here, Malcolm,

and sit down after all that work.

Thank you very much, sir.

Yeah.

Mighty good beef stew tonight, Malcolm.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Wasn't it good, Aunt Bee?

Hmm?

The beef stew Malcolm made.

Yes, it was very nice.

What did you put in that gravy anyways?

Oh, that double dollops of cooking sherry.

Sherry?

Well, you shouldn't have done that.

I'm on duty tonight.

You better chew some gum.

Wouldn't do for the duty deputy to go out

with gravy on his breath.

Gravy... You say you're planning a trip

to Gettysburg, huh, Malc?

I hope to get there, yes.

Yeah, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

See, that's famous

because that's where Lincoln

made his famous Gettysburg address speech.

See, Lincoln... he was what we call a pre-si-dent.

And Washington, you see,

was our first president.

And then Lincoln...

Now he didn't come along till later.

He was, uh...

uh, th or th, somewhere along in there.

Sixteenth.

Pierce was the th, Buchanan th,

Lincoln was the th.

Well, yeah.

Like I say, it was somewhere along in there.

Barn, you want to tell Malcolm some more about America?

No.

OPIE: Hi, everybody!

Oh, Opie, you're all dirty and perspiring.

We were playing "Run, Sheep, Run," Aunt Bee.

Well, you're going to play Run, Sheep, Run

in your bath, young man.

Come on, say good night to everybody.

Give your Aunt Bee a big hug.

Good night, Aunt Bee.

Good night, Opie.

Well, I must say you're very quiet

for a lady of leisure.

Are we having a bit of trouble?

Let's see, maybe I can help you.

Yes. There you are.

The eight goes on the nine.

The seven goes on the eight.

Jack on the queen, and you're out.

There.

Now you can sit back and relax,

and really enjoy your rest.

How about a glass of milk before you go to bed, young man?

OPIE: Uh-huh. Will you make me

a paper boat for the bath?

MALCOLM: Oh, well now...

♪ Yaddy-yah ♪

♪ Yaddy-yah ♪

♪ Yaddy-yum- ta-da-rum... ♪

Mr. Malcolm? ( humming )

Huh?

Do you always sing, too, when you do the dishes?

Oh, yeah.

How come?

Well, you'll understand this better

when you're older, but you see...

you're happiest when you're working

'cause it, well, it makes you feel useful.

You know.

Yeah, I guess you must be right,

'cause when Aunt Bee is working, she'd sing all the time.

Really?

Well, that's funny.

I... I don't think I ever heard your Aunt Bee sing.

Oh, she don't anymore.

You mean, uh...

she used to sing around the house

when she was working?

Uh-huh. You probably never heard her,

but she used to sing a lot.

I see.

Is it just the two of us for Sunday dinner?

Yeah.

Where's Opie?

He went over to Louis's to eat with them.

What's the matter with Aunt Bee?

She's sick in the bed.

Well, bless her heart.

She must really be feeling bad.

She didn't even come to preaching this morning.

What's the matter with her?

I'm not sure.

Huh.

That's too bad she has to be sick

when she's getting all this rest.

Mm...

Would... would you...?

I just can't bring myself to ring that thing.

Just to get his attention.

You ain't Santa Claus on the street corner.

( slurring ): Ah, ya, Gov, don't...

don't... don't ring that bell, and go

"ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling" like that.

I can't be everywhere at once, you know.

I'm only human, you know.

I've only got one pair of hands.

( slurred muttering )

Miss Bee! Miss Bee!

Where do you keep that little, fat old poup sadle?

No, I mean loup sadle.

( laughs )

Soup ladle.

AUNT BEE: Bottom of the stove.

You are?

Bottom of the stove!

I've got you.

♪ Bottom of the stove ♪

♪ Bottom of the stove ♪

♪ Bottom of the stove ♪

♪ Soup ladle is in the bottom of the stove. ♪

Andy, I think he's been drinking.

Sure acts like it.

That ain't like him.

( slurred muttering )

Hey! Soup-soup.

Soup-soup.

Beautiful old loup-loup. Loup-loup.

Now, let me get behind you.

Serve to the left.

And for you take away from the right.

Serve to the left.

And the same token,

take away from the right.

Ooh-ooh-ooh... soup spoons.

You haven't got any soup spoons.

I'll tend to that.

Just hang on a second.

( chuckling )

Isn't that just like America?

They not only got gold on the streets,

they've got silver on the floor, too.

You see? Silver on the floor.

Silver on the floor.

That's a joke. That's a joke, eh?

( hearty laughter )

Here... pick the bones out of that.

Now, you want some soda crackers.

♪ Soda crackers ♪

♪ Soda crackers... ♪

( Malcolm humming )

Hey, Miss Bee,

where do you keep the soda crackers?

Top shelf of the pantry.

You are?

Top shelf of the pantry!

I've got you.

♪ Top shelf, top... top, top, top... ♪

( Malcolm humming )

Andy, he's gassed.

Yeah?

The soup's cold.

It's right out of the can.

There's the top of the can.

( slurred singing )

We've got an English Otis on our hands.

I don't know why he can't find those things.

What's the matter with him calling upstairs like that?

Aunt Bee, you didn't have to come down.

( crashing )

What's that?!

Oh! Mercy! ( laughing )

ANDY: What in the world happened?

I found the soda crackers.

( laughing )

Andy?

Sherry... it's all gone.

You got no choice. Fire him.

I can't believe it.

Andy, this is exhibit "A."

The guy's a wino. Get rid of him.

Well, Barney... Hey, hey, hey.

I heard that.

You're talking about getting rid of me, aren't you?

Well, Malcolm... Well, that's nice, isn't it?

After all I've done around here.

( crying ): I've tried to do everything.

I've cooked and scrubbed and cleaned.

But I think I know when I'm not wanted.

I'm leaving.

No, please, don't try and stop me.

I'm going to pack up me things... and leave.

This is all of the thanks I got.

You never...

Boy, there's nothing I hate worse

than a wino on a crying jag.

Oh, the poor fellow.

What do you think happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

He fell off the wagon.

That's what happened.

He's back on the sauce.

Goodness!

I better get in there

and guard that silverware

till he gets out of the house.

Poor Malcolm.

I think it was just too much for him.

He had too much to do.

Well, I'd better dress and get down here and make some supper.

I thought you was sick.

What?

Oh... nonsense.

No, I'll be back in a minute.

Now, don't you touch anything.

I'll do it all.

Hi, Paw.

What happened in here?

What are you smelling?

Oh... nothing.

Just somebody spilled the cooking sherry in the sink.

So you try being a little more help around here, young man.

When your Aunt Bee starts singing around the house,

and she will soon, you just join in,

and have a regular sing-a-long with Aunt Bee.

All right?

Off you pop.

Oh. ( clears throat )

Um...

Well, Malcolm, you...

sobered up mighty quick, didn't you?

Yeah, well, I, um... I'm, uh...

very sorry about all this mess.

Don't worry about it.

Aunt Bee will take care of it.

Yeah.

I expect she will.

Well, good-bye, sir.

Thanks, Malcolm.

For everything.

I always said this place was too much for anybody.

Maybe now you'll believe me.

Well, out, out!

There's work to be done!

Just like a man...

Paw?

Is Mr. Malcolm ever coming back?

It's hard to say.

He was an awful good cook, wasn't he?

He sure is a good cook.

One of the best around.

And he cleaned the house good, and did the dishes good.

Good as Aunt Bee, even though he's a man.

Yeah, mighty good, mighty good.

He was worth every penny we paid him.

We're gonna miss him, too, aren't we?

Uh-huh.

Of course, there's one thing Aunt Bee's awful better at.

Don't say "awful better," just say "better."

Oh, well, then, there's one thing Aunt Bee's better at.

What's that?

She's better at hugging.

( laughs softly )

Yes, she is that.

That kind of hugging, money can't buy, right?

No.

Why don't you run upstairs, and collect one.

Yes, I will, Paw.

Good night.

Night.