04x30 - Barney and Thelma Lou, Phfftt

[bunniefuu]

( whistling sprightly tune )

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also starring Don Knotts.

Oh, Barney, look at that.

Isn't that smart?

That blue sofa, and the green rug.

Blue and green... You know, that's the latest.

Wouldn't you love to have a living room like that?

Well... it's all right for a store window.

I wouldn't have it in my house, though.

That furniture looks spindly!

A man sit down on that, it'd probably cr*ck up.

Might be all right for you,

but I'd be afraid to sit down on it.

Well, you don't weigh much more than I do, Barney.

Well, it's the feeling of it.

I mean, a man likes something solid...

like that chair there.

Now, that leather chair,

now, that looks all right.

Wouldn't mind having stuff like that.

Oh, well, it's nice, but... it's so masculine.

It'd be all right for your den.

My den, yeah...

You know, I got pretty definite ideas

how I want that fixed up.

I want to have it so it smells of real leather

and pipe tobacco... good books.

Maybe a dog.

You want it to smell of a dog?

No! I mean, I want a dog there... You know, lyin' there!

I want to have a place to come back to

where I can just put my feet up...

light my pipe... 'cause, you know,

sometimes when I come home from work, I'm just completely sh*t.

My job, you know, has a lot of nerve-rackin' business to it.

So I want to come back to a place

where I can just close the door,

be in a world of my own... nobody else.

No offense, Thelma Lou, but... not even you.

Oh, that's all right, Barney.

I won't bother you when you're in your den.

Of course, I... I would like the living room fixed up nice

for when I have the ladies in.

Well, no, that's okay, but...

no ladies in my den.

Oh, no, Barney, no.

Well, you just remember that,

and we'll get along fine.

Oh... ( laughing ): Well, look at us!

You-you'd think we were about ready

to set up housekeeping tomorrow!

( laughing ): Yeah, from the way we're talkin'.

Of course, you know, that-that's out of the question.

I mean, uh...

well, like we've been sayin' for a long time...

marriage isn't something that you just leap into.

I certainly hope you don't think I'm pressuring you.

Oh, heck, no! No! No!

I've known you long enough to know better than that.

Besides, I'm not the kind of a guy

that can be pressured.

I know.

But if, after we did all this thinkin',

we did decide to... well, you know...

if we got this house...

and if we had a den...

there'd be no ladies in it, right?

Right.

Hey, I meant to ask you...

How'd you and Thelma Lou enjoy the movie last night?

Well, I'll tell you, Andy, they're losing me.

If Hollywood can't come up with anything

closer to reality than that thing last night,

they got the last of my money.

No kiddin'.

I saw it last week and thought it was real good.

Oh, it was so far-fetched.

I mean, here's this sweet, lovely, delicate girl,

beautiful, talented, sings, dances, plays the cello,

then she falls for this big sloppy goof.

Shirt open down to here.

He ain't had a haircut in six weeks.

Now how you gonna believe a thing like that?

I mean, it's just too far-fetched.

Well, I don't know.

You can't tell about women.

Sometimes they go for that shaggy type of guy.

Well, it don't jive with my experiences in life.

Not in a million years.

Hmm.

How'd Thelma Lou like it?

Oh, she loved it.

Eh, what do women know?

As far as I'm concerned, it was too far-fetched.

( phone ringing )

I'll get it.

( clears throat )

Sheriff's Office.

Oh! Hello, Thelma Lou.

( chuckling ): We was just talkin'

about you.

Yeah, Barney.

No, it was a real complimentary.

You want to talk to him? Okay.

Hi, Thel.

What's on your mind?

Oh, gee...

Well, I'm afraid that's out of the question.

Well, Andy and I are up to our necks

in the monthly reports.

And besides that, the squad car's

in the garage being fixed. What's the trouble?

Thelma Lou's dentist

wants to change her appointment to this morning.

She has to be in Mt. Pilot at : .

Why don't you get her a taxi?

( whispering ): Forget the taxi.

Mt. Pilot? That's miles each way.

You know what that would cost?

Uh, nothin'. Andy was just talkin' 'bout

how maybe we could get you there.

Hey, Andy!

Hey, Gomer!

Hey, Barney!

Hey, Gomer!

Gomer just came in.

Wait a minute. Gomer, how's the squad car?

Well, it ain't ready yet.

That's what I come over here to tell you.

Wally says it won't be ready till this afternoon.

Uh-oh. There's another tough break, Thelma Lou.

Gomer says... Oh, you heard.

Have you got to go someplace, Barney?

You can use my pickup if you want to.

There's a idea, Barney: Take Gomer's pickup.

I can spare you here a couple hours.

I can't drive that pickup.

Nobody can, 'cept Gomer.

Want me to drive you someplace, Barney?

I'll be glad to.

Now, that's it.

Let Gomer drive Thelma Lou to Mt. Pilot.

Thelma Lou, Gomer says

he'd be glad to drive you over there.

No, he don't mind.

Do you, Gom?

Glad to do it!

He'd be glad to drive you over there.

Okay. See you later, Thel.

That's nice of you, Gomer.

Well...

Hey, Barn?

You sure you don't want to go along to chaperone?

What?

Well, I mean, sending your girl

on a long trip all alone with a handsome fella

like Gomer here...

you're liable to lose your girl.

I don't think so.

You're welcome to ride along if you want to, Barney.

I mean, if you are worried or anything.

Gomer, believe me, I am not worried.

I mean, there's a lot of things in this world

I might be worried about,

but losin' Thelma Lou is not one of them.

I got that little girl right in my hip pocket.

Huh?

That's a figure of speech, Gomer.

Oh... I see.

Well, I better get rollin', fellers.

I'll see you.

And don't worry, Barney.

I'll take real good care of Thelma Lou.

Yeah. You do that.

( door closes )

Chic.

It was very nice of you to do this for me, Gomer.

Aw, sh**t, it's my pleasure.

If I wasn't here,

I'd be under some car gettin' grease in my face.

Well, it was nice of you anyway.

Boy, that Barney's really a great guy, ain't he?

I mean, a feller in his position and all...

Workin' for the city,

and wearin' a beautiful uniform...

but to talk to him, he's just like anybody else.

Ain't never too busy to pass the time of day.

Yes, Barney is very nice.

When you two gettin' married, if you don't mind my askin'?

What?!

Everybody knows you're gonna get married.

I hear it all the time.

People say, "Barney and Thelma Lou...

Barney and Thelma Lou..."

Hardly ever hear one name

without the other.

But nobody knows when it's gonna come off.

Well...

I don't know what he's waitin' for.

If he don't hurry up,

somebody'll come along and steal you away...

You bein' so purty and all.

Why, thank you, Gomer.

Course, Barney don't seem to be worried.

He says there are some things he's worried about,

but you ain't one of 'em.

Oh, really? Yes, ma'am.

Heard him just this mornin' in the courthouse

sayin' how he had you in his hip pocket.

Barney said that...

That he's got me in his hip pocket?

Uh-huh. That's a figure of speech.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Gomer.

Hey, Barney.

Hey, Gomer.

I brought the squad car back.

She's runnin' like a little ol' bird.

Here's the keys, Andy.

Oh, thanks, Gomer.

Did you get Thelma Lou over to Mt. Pilot okay?

Oh, yeah! It was no trouble at all there.

I sure appreciate you doin' it.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

We really had a good time. Good.

Gee, Barney, you really got one swell girl there.

She's so much fun.

We laughed and talked all the way to Mt. Pilot.

And when we got there, she even bought me lunch.

She did? Uh-huh.

She bought you lunch?

I didn't want her to, but she insisted.

sh**t, I had sausages

and three eggs and six flapjacks.

It must've set her back over cents!

No foolin'.

And she's so easy to talk to.

Sometimes I have trouble talkin' to girls.

But I talked to Thelma Lou just like she's a feller!

Well, I got to go.

I'll see you later, fellers.

See you, Gomer.

( door closes )

What's the matter?

She bought him lunch.

What's wrong with that?

Well, nothin'.

It's just that in all the years I've known Thelma Lou,

she's never bought me lunch.

We've always gone Dutch treat.

Well, like I say...

You can't tell about women.

Sometimes they go for that shaggy type of guy.

Gomer's pretty shaggy, you know.

Did I ever tell you

you got a warped sense of humor?

Mmm... I believe so.

Warped.

What are you doin' here?

It's Tuesday night, ain't it?

I thought you's supposed to be over at Thelma Lou's.

Yeah, you would think that, wouldn't you?

But here I am.

What happened?

Well, you got me.

I got all dressed up... Tie, coat,

the works...

Called Thelma Lou to tell her I was on my way over,

and she acted all surprised!

Said she was busy tonight...

Like it completely slipped her mind

that it was Tuesday night.

Hmm. Can you b*at that?

Andy, you know as well as I do that Thelma Lou and I

have always had a standing date on Tuesday nights.

Every Tuesday night for as long as I can remember

we're sittin' on that couch,

a pan of cashew fudge between us,

watchin' that doctor show on TV.

Now, all the sudden, it slipped her mind.

Maybe she wasn't feelin' well.

Oh, she was feelin' fine.

She was hummin'!

Well, like I say:

sometimes you can't figure women.

Yeah. You can say that again.

Well, I was just fixin'

to do a little night check up and down Main Street.

You want to come along?

Might as well.

I got nothin' else to do. Come on.

Want some fudge?

Bought some, huh?

Well, a man's had fudge every Tuesday night for years,

you don't kick the habit just like that.

You know, I was really lookin' forward

to seein' that show tonight.

Hmm. The doctor show?

Yeah.

You know, in this one,

the young doctor breaks his arm

and has to perform an operation left-handed.

No kiddin'.

Yeah. A real difficult operation, too.

You know, a spleen or pancreas...

You know, down where things are real close together.

You really walk the tightrope.

Yep. Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Everything'll come out all right.

I mean, the show's got to be on next week.

( chuckling ): Well, yeah, I know that.

They put you through the wringer just the same.

Gets me every time.

Andy!

Are my eyes playin' tricks on me?

That's Thelma Lou and Gomer!

They're goin' in to see the movie!

They sure are.

I don't understand!

I thought you said she saw that movie with you last night.

She did! Huh.

Maybe this time

she's not gonna be lookin' at the picture.

Yeah, well, it's all your fault.

You know that, don't you, Andy?

It's absolutely your fault.

Barney, will you stop it?

You're acting like a kid.

There's nothing serious going on

between Gomer and Thelma Lou.

So they went to the movies?

Yeah, movies, well... As far as that go,

you've stepped out a few times yourself.

How about Juanita over at the diner?

Well, that's different.

How's that different?!

Well, if you don't know how it's different,

I ain't gonna tell you.

You b*at everything, Barney, you know that?

You know what you ought to do?

Go see Thelma Lou, take her some flowers,

and go over there, and find out what's wrong.

Are you kidding?!

She ought to come to me with flowers.

I'm the stood-up party.

I didn't go to the movies with Gomer.

She went to the movies with Gomer.

Look, Barney, it's a little thing now,

but if you let it go,

it's gonna grow all out of proportion.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Gomer.

Hey, Barney.

What's the matter with Barney?

Well, Gomer, Barney's been bitten

by the green-eyed monster.

He has? They got some stuff down at the drugstore

that'll keep them off of ya.

One fell on me just yesterday.

No, no, no.

That's not what I meant.

Let me ask you something.

How'd you come to take Thelma Lou

to the movies last night?

Oh, she called me up and asked me.

Called me right down there at the filling station.

Oh, she did, huh?

Well, uh, well, listen...

When, uh, when you drove her to Mt. Pilot yesterday,

what did you talk about?

Oh, lots of things...

Recaps and oil additives.

We talked some about Barney.

What was said there?

Oh, I just told her how much he trusted her,

and how he never did worry about her

or anything.

Mm-hmm. What else?

And how he thought

he had her in his hip pocket.

Oh, you told her that, huh?

Oh, she liked that.

I had to tell her twice.

Well, I think I'm beginning to get the picture now.

I believe Thelma Lou is playing a little game

with Barney, trying to make him jealous.

With who, Andy?

With you.

Huh?!

Yeah. That's why she asked you

to the movies last night.

That's why poor old Barney's feelings are hurt.

You don't mean it?

Well, my goodness.

Well, I never would have gone

if I thought it's gonna hurt Barney.

Heck, I wouldn't do anything to hurt Barney.

Of course you wouldn't.

I wouldn't want to worry him.

Folks like Barney ought not worry.

It don't matter so much with fat people,

but Barney ought not worry.

Well... he'll get over it.

So will she.

Just a little lovers' quarrel is all.

He ought not worry.

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

It's a good thing she picked on you for her little scheme.

A thing like that could backfire, you know?

How do you mean?

Well, suppose she had this date with another fella.

This fella got to liking it, and got to liking her,

wanted her to be his steady...

What would happen then?

I'd expect she'd drop her little game pretty fast

and go running back to Barney.

Hey, Thelma Lou.

Gomer.

Come on in.

I certainly was surprised to hear from you.

I didn't expect you to call.

Well, I didn't expect to neither.

Oh, I brung you these.

They're all hard centers.

I hope your teeth will take 'em.

Thank you, Gomer.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Well, the weather certainly has been lovely lately, hasn't it?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, very nice.

Uh, Thelma Lou...

would it be a lot of trouble

if I asked you for a cup of coffee?

No. No trouble at all.

Thank you.

Won't take me long.

I'll be right back.

Don't hurry.

( whispering ): Hello, Sarah.

Get me Sheriff Taylor.

( phone rings )

Hello.

Oh, hello, Gomer.

I'm over at Thelma Lou's,

but she ain't in the room. Listen...

You're where?!

I want to try that...

You know what you was talking about today...

About her scheme backfiring.

That's what I'm fixin' to do is backfire at her.

Gomer, wait... I ain't got much time.

But do you think it'd work if I said something like,

"Thelma Lou, it seems

"that you feel about me the same

"as I feel about you.

So I'd like you to go steady with me"?

You think if I said something

like that, it'd scare her real good,

like you said?

Gomer, listen, I don't think...

Do you think that enough backfire talk

to scare her right back into Barney's arms?

( cups rattling )

Here she comes.

I got to hang up now.

Well, here we are.

Thelma Lou... Yes?

Uh... Thelma Lou... Yes?

Uh... Thelma Lou...

it seems that you feel about me the same as I feel about me.

I-I mean, uh...

I mean that you feel the same

about you as I feel about...

No, that ain't right.

Now, Gomer, Gomer, just calm down now.

Take it easy, and don't be nervous.

Thelma Lou, it seems that you feel about me

the same as, uh...

Do you mean that we feel the same about each other?

Gee, Thelma Lou, you're a big help.

I'm crawling... That's what I'm doing.

I'm crawling.

( Gomer speaking indistinctly )

Thelma Lou...

so if you're not attached to anything,

and I'm not attached to anything,

maybe we can get attached together.

Thelma Lou, I want you to be my steady.

Gomer, I'd love to.

No, no, wait. That ain't the way it goes.

It don't go like that.

( doorbell buzzing )

Barney, is anything wrong?

Wrong? No, nothing's wrong.

Just that everything has gone smash, that's all.

What are you talking about?

We're all through, Thelma Lou and me.

It's all sh*t.

It's all come to an end.

After all these years, smash!

Hold it down a little.

You'll wake Opie and Aunt Bee.

If only I hadn't seen them, Andy, but I did.

I seen them with my own eyes.

What'd you see?

They were kissin', Andy... Huggin' and kissin'.

You couldn't have gotten

a piece of tissue paper between them.

They were that close.

They were kissin'.

Who was kissin'?

Thelma Lou and Gomer.

Kissin'? ( shouts ): Kissin'!

Shh! ( whispers ): Kissin'.

( doorbell buzzing )

( sighs )

Hey, Gomer.

Andy...

Oh, Barney, I didn't know you's gonna be here.

All right, come on, just put 'em up.

Come on, come on, put 'em up, put 'em up. Andy...

Come on, come on, come to me...

Barney, Barney, Barney!

Hey, hey, hold still, hold still, hold still!

Andy, somethin' went wrong.

Somethin' went terrible wrong.

Gomer, I told you not to do it.

Come on, come on, come on, put 'em up.

Come on... Barney, Barney, Barney, stop that, stop that.

Now, what happened?

I don't know, but it was just terrible.

Come on, it's all right, I'm in my civvies.

Come on. Barney, Barney, Barney.

Now tell me what went wrong.

Put 'em up, come on, come on.

I can't think with him

trying get at me like that.

Barney, will you... will you just hold still?

Just hold still.

Now, what-what happened?

She kissed you, huh?

Yeah, that's right, Andy.

She kissed me right flush on the jaw.

Now you know what that means, don't you?

There's only one thing I can do now...

Only one honorable thing...

If she kissed me like that,

I got to marry her.

Huh?! Come on, put 'em up.

Come on, come on, come to me. Barney...

Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney...

One sock, Andy. No, no, no, no...

One sock, come on. Stop that, stop that, stop that.

This thing's gone far enough.

We'll go over to Thelma Lou's.

I know just-just how to do it.

We'll go to Thelma Lou's.

Come on, you wanna put 'em up?

Come on, put 'em up.

Marry him?

That's right.

See, Gomer comes from a family

with a very strict code of conduct.

And when a girl kisses a fella,

like you kissed Gomer...

Right flush on the jaw.

Yeah. It's marrying time, and no two ways about it.

But Andy, it was all a joke.

A joke?

You mean you were trifling with Gomer?

I heard him talking to you on the phone,

and I was just trying to teach him a lesson.

Oh, I see, I see.

Did you hear that, Gomer?

It was a joke.

Is it a joke when a girl kisses you like that?

No, sirree, it ain't no joke to me.

What does it mean when a fella and a girl kiss?

Means they got to marry.

There you are.

Oh, no.

sh**t, my mama and daddy

just shook hands on their deal.

Course now... maybe, uh...

maybe Thelma Lou could, uh, could take the kiss back.

What do you think about that, Thelma Lou?

Think you might be able to take the kiss back?

Oh, I suppose I could.

How about it, Gomer?

Think it might be all right

if Thelma Lou took the kiss back?

Well...

Shazam!

If I didn't know what you's doing,

I'd think you's giving me another.

Now, then there's a young fella in the squad car.

Let's see if I can get him in here.

Oh, please, Andy, make him come in.

I'll do my best.

I'm sorry for fooling you the way I did, Gomer.

Oh, that's all right, Thelma Lou.

I'm just so relieved I don't have to marry you.

Why? You think

it'd be so awful if you did marry me?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

For one thing, you're Barney's girl,

and for another, that room I got

in the back of the filling station

ain't hardly big enough for me.

Barney, I'm terribly sorry for all that's happened,

but please don't ever say you got me in your hip pocket.

Let's just forget about it.

Pretend it didn't happen.

Let's go, Gomer.

Can't we, Barney?

Let's go, Gomer.

Please.

Gomer.

THELMA LOU: I'm sure willing to make up if you are.

Ain't you gonna kiss her on the jaw, Barney?

I am if you ever get out of here.

Come on.

He was just standing there.

He wasn't doin' nothin'.

Gomer, come on! Come on!

( humming )

You seem in high spirits this morning.

Everything work out okay between you and Thelma Lou?

Yep.

It's all ironed out, Andy.

We had a long talk

and ironed out all our problems.

Good. I'm glad to hear it.

( chuckles )

Yes, sir, the big issue's been settled.

As of last night, there's gonna be no more trouble

like we just went through.

Don't tell me you settled on that big, important day?

We sure did.

From now on, Tuesday night's an unbreakable date,

and neither party can cancel

without giving the other three days notice.

I thought for a minute there you'd settled on a wedding date.

Wedding? What do you mean, wedding?

Like I told Thelma Lou,

"marry in haste, and repent in leisure."

We've been in agreement about that for years.

Why rush?

We got nothing but time.

I'm not going anyplace, she's not going anyplace.

What am I worried about?

I got that little girl right in my hip pocket.