Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Oh, Robin, I just get
so lonely and confused
when I'm not with you.
Well, now, I've missed
you, too, sweetheart.
Did you like the
little surprise I sent?
Surprise? The Polaroids.
What? I-I don't remember.
The pictures of me
wearing that teddy
you like.
The picture of me holding
that teddy you like.
Now, Rebecca, don't tease.
Not so early in my sentence.
Oh, Robin, you really mean
you didn't get the pictures?
I think I would remember.
Well, I know I mailed them.
I went to pick up my
final paycheck at Cheers
and then I mailed them.
Oh, well, they'll
get here. Yeah.
Okay, for this one
without the teddy,
we will start the bidding...
start the bidding at ten bucks.
Don't crowd.
$100.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
I guess I don't have to
show you where anything is
behind the bar,
right, Mr. Peterson.
No, no, no, we got
the, uh, beer taps,
you got your uh, cherries,
olives, pretzel bag... Hey!
You guys got a cash
register back here.
Oh, my God!
I'm in one of Norm's dreams.
No, no, no.
I'm just doing my hour
behind the bar to qualify
for the employees'
basketball game.
Although my dreams
are very similar to this.
Except for, uh, in my dreams
the, uh, kegs are a lot taller
and, uh...
well, I can fly.
Oh.
I've got a good
feeling this year, guys.
I think we're gonna
b*at those guys
from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
Yeah! Al right! Oh, this again.
I mean, every year they
b*at you, humiliate you,
outsmart you and
take your money.
I mean, where's
the virtue in that?
Tradition.
Well, forgive me if I don't
share your enthusiasm.
I've just been feeling
a bit edgy these days.
Why's that, Dr. Crane?
Well, Lilith, in her own
dear, compulsive, little way
made the mistake of asking me
if I thought she looked fat.
And what did you say?
Well, I told her
she looked just fine.
Ooh, rookie mistake. Yeah.
So, uh, what kind of
punishment are you getting?
Oh, I'm not getting any.
Oh, you got off easy.
No. I'm not getting any.
No, you're getting off easy.
Ho, Woody, think fast!
Way to pass her off there, Sam.
Wait till you guys hear
what I did this weekend.
You know, ever
since I bought this bar,
I've been trying to remind
people it's still a sports bar,
so I've been going around
renewing some of my old
sports contacts.
And for those of you
who've never seen Sam
renewing his old
sports contacts,
it goes something like this.
"Oh, come on!
"You've got to remember me!
You've got to!"
This shows what you know.
I happened to spend the weekend
going head-to-head
with Kevin McHale.
Whoo. Whoa. Hey.
That's my favorite Celtic. Yeah?
You know, uh,
basketball was invented
by the ancient Celtics.
You know, interestingly
enough, so was the parquet floor.
You've been working
without your hat,
haven't you, Cliff?
So, Sammy...
sh*t hoops with
Kevin McHale, huh?
Actually, no, I, uh, I
played golf with him.
b*at him, too, you know.
Hurt him bad. All right!
All right! Yeah, you know,
big a star as he is, you, uh,
shank a tee sh*t into his shin,
and he'll cry just
like anybody else.
Hey, Sammy, I've got a
great idea. Yeah, what?
Ask Kevin to play
on our team. No.
Then we'll really
cream Gary's. Yeah!
No, no, that'd be cheating.
But that'd be good cheating.
You know, at what point
does cheating become
a moral dilemma?
I mean, can the severity
of snitching that
last piece of cake
be compared to, oh,
cheating on one's wife with
the beautiful, young woman
that works in the
office next to yours?
I should footnote this
by adding that
I'm not getting any.
Hello, sports fans!
What are you doing here, Gary?
I just came by to introduce you
to some of my new employees.
Come on down, boys.
Oh, hey, hey... - Oh, hey!
Come on. Yeah, what...?
Those guys are ringers.
They're just a couple of kids
working their way
through college.
Oh, by the way,
I just wanted to let you
know that we're open
to any wagers.
Oh, oh, that's right.
You guys are too chicken to bet.
Hey, we're not chicken to bet.
We bet you stomp all over us.
If I were you Sam, I'd
get a piece of this action.
He means do we want to
bet on ourselves here, Woody.
Are you kidding?
With those two skyscrapers?
Man, I thought I was
the bumpkin here.
Have it your way.
Oh, oh, Sam, give me
the ball for a second.
Watch this.
See you at the gym.
Boy, that Gary's a rat.
Yeah, can you
believe that?
Bringing in a couple
of professional
ringers like that?
No, I meant stealing our ball.
Oh, man, that's
my favorite ball!
I hate that! Give me the phone.
I'm calling, I'm
calling Kevin right now.
All right! Yeah!
He'll be able to get
that ball back for us.
He's way big.
Yeah, all right.
If he wants to play that way,
I'm just gonna get Kevin McHale
to come down and play with us.
There you go! Yeah.
If he doesn't want to do
it, then I'll get Larry Bird.
No, no, no, no, not Bird.
If he's in, I'm out.
Woody.
Woody, Woody, you telling
me you know Larry Bird?
I don't have to know him.
He's from French Lick, Indiana.
He's a doofus.
So what?
You're from Indiana
and you're a doofus.
Yeah, but I would rather
be a doofus from Hanover
than a doofus from French Lick,
'cause everyone from Hanover
knows that French Lick is
the doofus capitol of Indiana.
Of course everyone from
French Lick thinks it's Hanover.
It's a fuel of a
raging controversy.
Yo, Kevin.
Hi. Sam Malone here.
Hey, listen, you remember
how I told you about that game
my bar is playing against,
uh, Gary's Old Towne Tavern?
Yeah, how'd you
like to get in on that?
No, I... I know, I know
you've got a busy schedule
and all... Sammy...
tell him it's for charity.
No, no listen, I
understand, I understand.
I'm not gonna bust
your chops here.
You know... these needy orphans
have been through it all.
They're used to people
letting them down.
Oh, I'm sorry, didn't I
tell you it was for charity?
Oh, I'm sorry
man. Yeah, charity.
Well, no, don't worry about it.
I can get one of
the Lakers to do it.
I mean, they're good guys.
I mean, they'll give
up an hour of their time
to change some poor kids' lives.
Sam, leave the man alone.
You know, if somebody
doesn't want to do something,
no amount of manipulation,
cajoling, pleading
or lying can get them
to change their mind.
That's fantastic, man!
All right. I'll see
you down here.
Could you call
Lilith for me? I'll...
Boy, look at the
curves on that glass.
Oh, feel that.
Boy, he's really not
getting any, is he?
Pathetic.
Woody, uh, pour me
another beer, will you?
Put it in one of
those girlie glasses.
Hey, everybody!
I want you to meet,
uh, your bartender, here,
Mr. Kevin McHale!
Kevin...
watch your head,
watch your head.
Low bridge. Low bridge.
Welcome aboard, Kevin.
I hope your years at Cheers
are as happy as mine were.
Sam, I'll get my stuff together
and get out of your way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come back here, man.
He's not replacing you.
He just filling in
here for a little while
so he can qualify to play
the game against Gary's.
Oh!
Oh, in that case,
here's an apron.
All right.
Well, so what's it like
working with Larry Bird?
Hey, Larry's great.
Larry's funny as can be.
Boy, he's got some great jokes.
And most of his jokes
are about these doofuses
from Hanover, Indiana.
Did you ever hear this one?
How many guys from Hanover
does it take to
change a lightbulb?
It doesn't even matter
'cause they gotta drive
all the way over to French
Lick just to get the lightbulb.
I heard it a little different.
Hey, Kevin!
Want to slam-dunk me
a beer over here, buddy?
Nah, I can't do that.
That's against NBA policy.
Oh, right, yeah,
yeah, they don't, uh,
like their athletes
promoting dr*gs or alcohol,
so tonight, uh, Kevin's just
going to be serving water.
To whom?
Do you believe this,
huh? I'm about to play ball
with Kevin McHale tonight?
You know, I didn't realize
we were playing at night.
Are you sure the orphans
can stay up that late?
The orphans? Yeah, the orphans.
The orphans, yeah,
you know, well...
Oh, oh, right, right.
See, uh, one of the, uh,
one of the great things
about orphans is, they have
no parents to tell
them when to go to bed.
Listen, Kevin, about the, uh,
these orphans, uh...
well, they're not coming.
Uh, seems there was
some kind of mix-up.
You know, they
had tickets to the, uh,
circus or something like that.
You know these orphans,
they're always getting freebies.
Oh.
I don't know, Sam,
there's no circus in town.
Well, uh, may... oh, right.
It was the, uh,
monster truck rally.
That was it.
No, no, no-no, not tonight.
All right, guys, where do
you think the orphans are?
Come on, Sam.
There are no orphans, are there?
W.. in the world?
God, Kevin, I wish
that were true, man!
Oh, Sam, this is all a big scam.
There are no orphans.
I'm out of here.
Aww, Kevin,
Kevin, wait a minute.
Let me talk to you
here for a second.
Listen, man, wait, wait, wait.
We've got a $5,000
bet with Gary.
$5,000, huh?
Yeah. I-I can't afford to
lose that kind of money.
Well, I do have a friend of mine
who's on the board of directors
at the Sunny Grove Orphanage.
I'll bet he knows where
the orphans are tonight.
Anyway, I-I know that
they're desperate for money.
And let's say the winnings
for our game were
to go to the kids...
Oh, hell, yes!
We don't mind if those
tykes get their cut.
No, no, Sam, not their cut.
They get every penny.
Every... Uh, guys,
what do you say here?
I mean, we're in it
to b*at Gary, right?
I mean, that's what
it's all about, isn't it?
I want my money back.
Listen, listen.
If Kevin plays, then
we're definitely gonna win,
so it'll be Gary's $5,000
that we give to the orphans.
But if he... if he doesn't play,
then we're
definitely gonna lose,
and it'll be our five grand
that we're giving to Gary.
All right, I'm behind you.
I agree.
I want my money back.
Okay, then, we're all agreed.
Here they are, God bless them.
They're at the boat show.
Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary!
Gary! Gary! Gary!
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Gary's not here.
Find Gary! Find Gary!
Find Gary! Wait,
wait, wait, wait, man.
We're just early, that's
all. We'll have to wait.
Wait for Gary! Wait for Gary!
Wait... What, am I
the only one here?
Okay, guys, let's
huddle up here.
All right, all right.
Have a seat. Have
a seat, fellows.
All right. Settle
down. Settle down.
Come on. Okay, now,
the way I see it, anyone
gets within ten feet
of the ball, they
pass it to Kevin.
Yeah. Sounds good to me.
What if he's not open?
Yeah, yeah. MEN:
Old Towne Tavern!
Old Towne Tavern!
Old Towne Tavern!
Well, the cheerleaders are here.
Well, Sam,
you really want to go
through with this formality,
or you just want to
call the whole thing off?
Oh, let's go through
the formalities, Gar.
Say, have you met
our, uh, new bartender?
Right over here.
This is our ringer, Gar.
You're getting a little
bald on top, fellow.
Let's go.
Wait-wait-wait...
All right!
All right, way to go, way to go!
Kevin. Kevin.
Good stuff, man. Good stuff.
Keep going. Get it!
Nice one, Kevin!
Go, Kevin.
Yes, Kevin!
Go! Go!
Yes!
Hey, hey!
Yeah, right, yeah!
Take that.
In your face! In your face!
Come on, Woody! Come on, Woody!
Come on! Woody!
Kevin can't do everything here.
How's it going?
Kevin's doing everything here.
Yeah?
Well, say, what's the score?
Uh, 70... two.
To what?
We have 70, they have two.
All right.
Sammy, I need a break.
I cannot... move.
Oh, yeah, take a break.
Why don't you get
yourself a beer?
Okay, fellows, I'm
playing for Norm now.
Go! Sammy!
Oh, there you go.
Fast break, Kevin.
Whoo!
Yeah. Don't you love teamwork?
Well, say, don't you think
maybe somebody ought
to go in for McHale?
I mean, he's the only one
been playing the whole game.
What, are you nuts?
What, we're ahead
by, what, 70 points?
I don't want to
just b*at this guy.
I want to humiliate him.
I want to hear that clown,
Gary, scream for mercy.
That wasn't Gary, was it?
Sorry, Mr. McHale.
You know, sometimes you
can just pop these babies
right back into place.
Maybe not.
Gary, it's Carla.
Yeah, the guys just
wanted me to give you a call,
tell you that you left
something at the gym.
Your money! Your pride!
Did you lose a blue gym bag?
Cheers rules!
Oh, man, victory is so sweet.
This is even better than the
time we didn't lose so badly.
You remember that?
Yeah, but the best part
was Kevin getting up
and walking off the court,
knowing his foot was okay.
No, no, The best part was
Gary's total defeat and humiliation.
Yeah... Yeah, that
was the best part.
Yeah, did you see his
face when we told him
we were going to give
his money to charity?
Yeah, you know,
uh, those moppets
will be glad to get the money.
Yeah, a lot they
did for it. Yeah.
Anyway, uh...
that orphanage guy is
coming over here in a little while
to take the money back.
You know, Sam, I, uh,
don't know if I've told you,
but tragically I lost
both my parents when I was...
oh, in my early 30s.
I could sure use that money.
Say, Lilith, how about that?
Would $5,000 buy anything?
What?
Nothing, dear.
I'm getting nothing here.
Mr. Malone?
Yeah, over here.
I'm Dr, Walter Froenmeyer
with the Celtics' medical staff.
Uh, yeah? I wanted
to get your version
of Mr. McHale's
accident last night.
Oh, well, uh... no big deal.
He fell down, we
put him back up.
Nothing serious.
Does this look like
nothing serious to you?
God! The skin's all gone.
This hairline fracture
runs the entire length
of the metatarsal,
which would indicate
there was some sort
of a jarring after
the initial impact.
It was me!
I fell on him and then I
tried to pop it back into place.
I'm sorry!
Woody, Woody...
Excuse me just for a second.
Woody, Woody, no, now come on.
Don't blame yourself.
You were just at the wrong
place at the wrong time, that's all.
If anything led to this, it
was Sam's pigheaded refusal
to take McHale out
of the game earlier.
What are you talking about?
Woody's the clod who
broke his foot. Oh, God!
If you'll excuse me,
I've got a whole g*ng of
reporters back at the Garden
waiting to find out why
McHale's out for the season.
Wait a minute...
Out for the season?
Oh, my God. People
are gonna hate us.
Hate us? Man they'll k*ll
us first, then they'll hate us.
Excuse me, Doctor,
listen, there's no need
for you to mention the
bar's name, now, is there?
Why shouldn't I?
Professional courtesy.
I'm a doctor.
You're a bartender.
We're both professionals.
Sam, wait a minute,
let me do this. all right?
Doc, how much would it take
to put a hook in your mouth?
$10,000.
Five. Deal.
Now, she's a professional.
Hey, great work there, Carla.
Right. Dodged that b*llet.
Way to go, Carla.
I want my money back.
Oh, for goodness sakes, Frasier,
we've been intimate
several times this last month.
Look at my day planner.
We were together
every night this weekend.
Oh, good heavens!
That wasn't you.
What do you mean it wasn't me?
I'm kidding.
See? Look how tense you are.
You wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
Well, fine.
I don't want it anyway.
You do, too.
I do not.
You do so.
All right, I do.
Well, you're not getting any.
Oh, Frasier, isn't it enough
that I'm doing it to your mind?
Hey, Sammy.
You're walking!
Kevin, when did you
get out of the hospital?
What are you talking about?
Talking about your foot.
Aw, it's fine.
I iced it down for about a
half hour after the game.
Feels great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.
Who-Whose X-ray
is this, then, huh?
Is that not yours?
I don't know. Let
me take a look at it.
It says "adult male gorilla."
That's not me. Could
be Laimbeer, huh?
Oh man, I can't believe this.
Gary sends in a fake
doctor to steal our money.
Do you believe that?
God! Even when
we b*at him, he wins.
Hey, Sam, I'd like you to
meet Father Conrad here,
from the Sunny Grove Orphanage.
Yeah, hi. I hope you
don't mind that we brought
a photographer along.
Listen, Sam, why don't you
come on around there and
get a picture with Father and I
and the $5,000 you're giving us.
Come on.
You want to do
this, uh... right now?
Yeah. Come on over. Let's go.
Okay. I'll be right there.
What are we gonna do?
All right, short
people in front.
Look what you did!
You made me smack
you in front of a priest!
Boys, boys, we
can work this out.
Yeah, how? We
don't have any money.
No, no, no, but we've got a
lot of people in here, right?
How about we collect as much
money as we can, That's good.
We give it to him,
and then we make sure
everybody knows that Gary's the one
that stole the 5,000 bucks from those kids.
- There you go.
Uh, give me some money.
It's for a good cause.
What cause?
'Cause I said.
Hey, Sammy, Father and
I were just talking about it.
Those kids are really
going to enjoy that money.
Gonna get some shoes,
some eyeglasses...
You know, Kevin, we
don't quite have $5,000,
but we're pretty
darned close here.
Sammy, Sammy, where
is the orphans' money?
He has it.
Thank you, Sam.
Thank you all for coming.
Father, on behalf of
Gary's Old Towne Tavern,
I'd like to present you
with a souvenir jacket,
and we have one
for you, too, Kevin,
with extra-long sleeves.
Oh, nice! Uh-huh.
Here's a little check
for those wonderful kids.
$5,000, Kevin.
$5,000! That's great.
Hey Gar, let's get a picture
with it. That's a great idea.
Sam, would you get
out of the way here.
You're blocking the check.
We've got a donation, too.
Hold on a second.
How much have you got?
$11 and, uh, 75 cents.
That's so cute.
Uh, gentlemen, I
have a bus outside.
We can swing by,
pick up the orphans,
and we can drive
them over to Gary's
for some milk and cookies.
What do you think, Father?
I think that's fine. It's
a great idea. Come on!
You don't understand, man.
That $5,000, that's our money.
Shame on you, Sam.
You know it's the
orphans' money.
Hey, Gar, thanks a
lot for the five grand.
Get out of here. I don't want
to see you again. You're a bum.
Go on. Get out of my
place. Go on, scoot.
Fine. Fine.
Eight years of humiliating
you weenies is enough.
I'm gonna find a
tougher g*ng to humiliate.
Hey, you can look
all over Boston.
You won't find any
weenies tougher than us!
Yeah, that's telling him, Woody.
Huh?
Sam, we've got to
get back at Gary.
Worse than we
ever got them before.
Come on, let's get Gary.
Let's get Gary! Let's
get Gary! Let's get Gary!
Come on... Let's get
Gary! Let's get Gary!
Aw, don't worry about it.
Let's get Gary! Let's get Gary!
Come on. What are we doing?
Man, we're pathetic!
We've been trying
to get Gary for eight years!
We never win!
We're pathetic.
There's nobody more pathetic
than us in the whole world.
Oh, please, Lilith.
Anything.
A back rub. A handshake.
Blow me a kiss.
We're not Frasier.
We're not Frasier.
We're not Frasier!
We're not Frasier!
We're not Frasier!