02x19 - All the President's Friends

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys.

- Oh, hey, Jack.
- Hey, Jack.

- How was your family reunion?
- Good.

What's going on?

[All chattering at once]

Guys. Stop. Hey, stop!

[Chatter ceases]

Talk to me, Lincoln.

Well...

It all started when
Jerry got his new locker.

[Chuckling]

Dude, I can't believe
you got locker .

This is where the prettiest girls
in school have their lockers.

I know, dude. Yo.

Hello, neighbor.

Care to step into club Jerry?

[Salsa music playing]

[Gasps]

I've never been rejected
by a girl that pretty.

I have a feeling there's
a lot more of that coming.

Our school President, Frank, kicked me off
the bus today so I had to walk to school.

I got my first tardy.

Oh, awesome.

Tardy party after school.

I'll probably be a little late.

[Quietly] Huh?

No, no, no!

Frank just had his black dragon
g*ons confiscate my locker.

Well, apparently as President
you can do whatever you want.

If you don't like it, guys, the school
election's in four days. Run against him.

Gotta go. I'll see you guys
when I get back from my trip.

- All right, see you, Jack.
- Have fun, man.

Take it easy.

Man, can you believe this?

Just came to check out my new address.

.

Best in school.

[Salsa music playing]

I don't know who that is, but there's
some skinny dude dancing in my locker.

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

♪That's just how we do.

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

For too long we have lived
in Frank's shadow of fear.

I say we need change.

That's why I'm running for
President... because I'm not afraid.

I'm also not afraid because Frank's
at an orthodontist appointment.

[Applause]

I have some sweet number two
pencils with my name on them.

Come and get 'em.

Oh, remain calm, people.
There's one for everybody.

- Nice. Free pencil.
- Yeah.

You got my vote.

I'm Jerry. Running for President.

Free pizza!

Oh, whoa!

Gah!

Nice. Free pizza.

You got my vote.

Jerry, you can't run for President.
I'm running for President.

Ooh. This is awkward.

See?

Well, dude, how do you expect to win
if your pencil's not even number one.

[Chuckles]

Surely the good citizens
of Seaford High will not

let their vote be swayed
by a mere slice of pizza.

Oh, no, no. It's not just pizza.

I got fro-yo, too.

Whoa!

Gah!

Pencils, pizza...

Fro-yo?

I love politics!

You are looking at the man
who's been asked to direct,

"Romeo and Juliet" at the
Seaford community theater.

Kim, would you like to
be my assistant Director?

Absolutely! I love the theater.

Excellent. Your duties
will be important and vast.

One day you might be picking
up Brad Pitt from the airport.

The next, you will be washing my socks.

May I present the next President
of Seaford High, Milton Krupnick!

[Giggles]

What's with the suit?

As his campaign manager, I'm
giving him a presidential makeover.

Julie loaned me her grandfather's suit.

Don't you think it makes me
look like Abraham Lincoln?

Yes, and smell like
muscle rub and sardines.

Well, Milton, I didn't
plan on running against you,

but I don't start something
without finishing it.

And I've got a campaign manager, too.

Kim.

I'm busy with the play.

- Milton.
- I'm running against you.

- Oh, Rudy.
- I'm years old.

Eddie.

I did not see this coming. I'm in!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

Is this where you're
holding the auditions?

Uh, I'm sorry, Ma'am. I don't
think you're right for the part.

Oh, no. Then how about...

Me! [Laughs]

I fooled you.

[Chuckles]

And do you know why?

Because you're a rich,
eccentric nutcase?

Well, yes. But also because...

I am a great actor!

"What light through
yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun".

Well...

- I'm your boss.
- You're in!

Huzzah!

All we need now is a Juliet.

You parked your peacock
in a loading zone. Again.

- You ride a peacock?
- It's giant.

Every time you show up, you make a
scene, and I'm getting pretty sick of it.

Oh, good Lord.

So real, so honest. So full of verve.

Oh. I'm stupid with verve.

You must be my leading lady.

Whoa. Excuse me.

I am the Director of this play
and I will say who Juliet is.

I'm your boss.

We have found our Juliet!

Huzzah!

And in conclusion, this is what
will happen if you don't vote for me.

Thank you.

Okay.

And now for the candidate
who I am in no way partial to.

Milton, my cuddle bunny, Krupnick.

[Giggles]

Friends!

The last time you voted for Frank, you
did it so you wouldn't get beaten up.

But he b*at you up anyway.

I say the dark days of fear are over!

And the dawn of change is upon us.

[Cheering, applause]

You think I can do this?

Yeah, just read the
speech I wrote for you.

Good job.

Uh, thank you.

Dude, this is your
mother's shopping list.

Just make it work.

Oh... okay.

Potatoes...

Orange juice, light bulbs, and eggs.

Uh...

Cream cheese, low fat and whipped.

Uh...

And in conclusion, I'd like to say...

Non-sheer pantyhose!

Yeah! Woo! Good job! Yeah! Woo!

Milton doesn't shower after gym class.

[All gasp]

We've got big problems.

I read most of "Romeo and Juliet,"

and this Shakespeare guy is a hack.

But if I make some changes
I can save this show.

Do you really want to change
it? I mean, it's a classic.

A classic snooze fest.

Rudy, I was just at lunch and I heard that
the theater critic from the Seaford Herald,

Vic Deblaze, is coming to our play!

Oh, no. He hates everything.

Oh, Rudy, calm down.
You're just panicking.

No, I'm not.

His last review of the
ballet said the lead

stumbled around the stage
like a dying pelican.

- Really?
- Yeah!

And that was his year-old daughter.

We got work to do, people!

How could this happen?

There was nothing I
could do once Jerry told

everyone that you don't
shower after gym class.

Don't Judge me.

That water is ice cold,
and there are boys in there.

I can't believe Jerry's
gonna win this thing.

That backstabbing blabbermouth.

You know how much trouble
you're in if you win this thing?

First of all, you're gonna need to...

Speak to my campaign manager.

[Winces, mutters]

[Chuckles, sniffs]

Ewe!

What's that smell?

[Chanting] Showerless, not powerless.

Showerless, not powerless.

Showerless, not powerless.
Showerless, not powerless.

Milton, look! It's the other
kids who don't shower after gym.

They're voting for you. [Dinging]

I don't believe it.

- [Buzzing]
- Milton, the polls are closed. You won!

- Ah!
- [Laughing]

Because of you, we have
overcome locker room ridicule.

Come to me, you unwashed masses.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so close. Back up.

♪ Kickin' it with you!

Krupnick! When you step off the
school grounds, you're gonna get it.

Uh...

You know... really?

The thing is that, uh...

This pen?

It's a spy camera.

Yeah.

Jack's always watching.

Hey, Jack.

Just talking to Milton,
our beloved new President.

I hate pens that watch me.

[Chuckles] There he is.

El Presidente.

Saw you kicked the Black
Dragons out of locker .

Come on, give me some.

You're not getting the locker, Jerry.

You betrayed me.

Took my secret and used it to embarrass
me in front of the whole school.

We're done.

What? Who's gonna move into ?

I'll give you a hint.

["Hail to the Chief" playing]

You know, Rudy, do you
really think you should

have made all these changes
to "Romeo and Juliet"?

Trust me, if Shakespeare
were alive today,

these are exactly the kinds
of changes he would have made.

All right! Lower the old woman into
the Cannon and wait for my command.

And you. Put those
Lemurs next to the Cougar.

[Growling]

[Screeching, squeaking]

We're gonna need more Lemurs.

All right! From the top, people.

[Clears throat]

"Romeo, oh, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

I art saving the Universe, baby.

Die, alien slime!

[Groans]

My space laser is jammed again.

I can't work like this, Rudy.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Why is Romeo sh**ting me?

Because you're an evil alien clone, duh.

We've been over this, people.

Fine.

By the way, did you know that Bobby's
name is above mine on the marquee?

About that, did you know
her name is on the marquee?

[Gasps]

[Overlapping arguing]

Hey!

You guys, knock it off!

This isn't about marquees,
or aliens and special effects.

This is community theater.

It's about community.

I mean, we have to believe in
each other and the material, Rudy.

Maybe she's right.

You know what I say?

Forget Vic Deblaze.

We will do this play the
way it was meant to be done.

We will use our raw talent
to bring this show to life.

And we will set the
theatrical world on fire.

On fire!

- [Cannon exploding]
- [Woman screaming]

[Crashing]

Okay, people. That's a five.

Oh, great. You're stuck
on cleaning detail, too?

This is the worst form of detention.

What'd you do?

Got caught trying to get to first base
with the CPR doll in the health office.

Nice.

How about you?

Got caught trying to get to first base

with the statue of Amelia
Earhart in the library.

Nice.

Yeah, Milton ratted me out.

Since he became President he thinks
he's so much better than everyone else.

He's even got VIP seating at the Seaford
community theater for Rudy's play tonight.

I saw "Man Of La Mancha" there.

It was to die for.

I guess if Milton's seeing
it, Jack's seeing it, too.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Milton's got this James
Bond pen in his front pocket.

Jack's watching over him - .

[Laughing]

What?

Dude, he's got no spy pen.

He just told you that so you'd
think Jack's protecting him.

No, Jack's at his family
reunion in Colorado.

So you're telling me
Jack's five states away?

And Milton's going to be off school
grounds where I'm free to pummel him?

Well, yeah. That's
exactly what I'm say...

Oh, really, Jerry? Really?

Looks like I've got a play to catch.

[Sobbing]

Let me out!

Somebody!

[Sobbing continues]

Jerry?

I was in the music room when I heard
what sounded like a little girl crying.

It was probably because she
was really, really scared.

And didn't know if she was
ever gonna see her mommy again.

[Clears throat]

But she's all right now.

Come on, Eddie. We got
a President to save.

A night at the theater is exactly
the flame that will kindle my spirits.

Uh-huh.

Good night! Good night!

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

That I shall say good
night till it be morrow.

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

Oh, thanks a lot, Kim.

"Romeo doesn't need
to be an alien hunter".

Deblaze is out there in a coma.

[Snoring continues]

Well, he ain't the only one.

[Snoring]

Juliet.

Juliet.

[Snoring continues]

Juliet!

Poke her with your sword.

There he is! Let's get him.

[Snoring]

[Sighs]

Ow. Ow, stop poking me.

You can't act when you're asleep.

You can't act when you're awake.

[Gasps]

Oh, that's it.

Juliet is also a security guard?

I didn't see that coming.

[Grunting]

You love him. Stop trying
to b*at him senseless.

Get this maniac off my face!

I'm trying!

Come on, Bobby. Let go of Joan!

[Grunting]

- What are you two doing here?
- We gotta save Milton.

Frank's on his way down
here to b*at him up.

Oh, we might be too late!

Holy Hannah! They're gonna get Lincoln!

Oh!

Ha ha!

[Grunts]

I probably shouldn't have done that.

Quick. Get out of here. [Grunting]

Mary Todd, save yourself!

Whoa! Milton!

- Aah!
- [Screaming]

Mary Todd!

[Groaning]

[Scenery thuds]

Juliet, save thouself!

I shan't leave you to die, Romeo.

I don't think I'd die. Probably
just pull a hammie, you know.

[Laughing]

Whoa!

All: Oh!

Oh, no, you don't.

[Audience members scream]

Bravo! Bravo!

[Cheering, applause]

Rudy! I loved it.

In fact, I'm coming
back to see it tomorrow.

Don't change a thing. Ha ha!

- You got it, Vic.
- [Laughs]

Okay, so now all this makes sense...

Except for one thing. Eddie, why
are you dressed like a mattress?

Oh, I've got to get going.

I've got a job handing out
fliers for Ned's Beds. Later.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

See you, Eddie.

Look, man. I owe you an apology.

I shouldn't have used your
locker room secret against you.

Well... what matters is that you were
there when I was about to be att*cked.

Thanks.

- What's this?
- It's a presidential decree.

Locker will be yours
till the day you graduate.

[Gasps]

Dude, these next years
are gonna be awesome! Woo!

♪ Kickin' it with you!

All right, come on out, Bobby.

Now, Bobby, I'm giving you a very big
break by letting you be in this play.

And I'm not gonna let you down, pilgrim.

Now, don't think of yourself
as a cowboy on a horse.

Think of yourself as
a cowboy on a horse...

On a trampoline.

Now bounce, Bobby, bounce!

- Bobby: You got it, Rudy.
- [Horse whinnies]

Jump, Sapphire. Jump!

[Trampoline squeaks, horse whinnies]

- Higher.
- [Trampoline squeaks, horse whinnies]

- Higher.
- [Trampoline squeaks, horse whinnies]

Higher!

[Loud crashing]

Too high.

Kim, could you get Bobby and
the horse out of the ceiling?

I have a lunch.