01x09 - Husky Boys

[bunniefuu]

All right, Chuck, we're gonna

walk you through the commercial here.

Now, as you know,

the camera is gonna be the point of view

of the little Husky Boy shopper,

so we open on:

he enters the store.

The camera pans up. He looks to Mom.

It comes back down.

We see a bunch of fat
little boys in suits.

- Husky boys.
- I'm sorry?

We don't call 'em
fat. We call 'em husky.

Oh. Okay, sure.

Then we see some tennis outfits

being worn by a couple real chunkers.

- Husky boys.
- I'm sorry?

Again, we call 'em husky boys.

Oh, you're not just objecting to "fat."

You don't like any of the terms.

Oh, we just prefer to use "husky."

Got it. Okay.

To bring it all home,

we feature your soon-to-be-famous

elastic band jeans

being worn by a real
blue-ribbon butterball.

I apologize. That is
what's written down there.

I am sorry about that. Husky boy.

Being worn by a husky boy.

- It's not as good.
- No, it definitely isn't.

Then in our dramatic conclusion,

we see two chubby little hands...

- Husky.
- Even the hands?

- Everything.
- All right.

- Uh, we see two husky hands...
- Ugh!

- Not covered in chocolate.
- That kills me.

They reach down, pick up
a pair of Husky Boy jeans.

Stretch this out a little bit.

Yeah, stretch it out a little bit.

He looks up. Mom smiles.

He's gonna look great.

End of commercial.

- Nice. Yeah.
- Thank you.

Maybe a tagline at the end,
you know, to bring it all home?

Uh, you know what? We
haven't landed on one yet,

but we'll write up
and bring you the best one.

Actually, we do have
a couple great ones.

Uh, no we don't. The meeting's over.

Let's see, uh, "Husky Boys:

keep your wallet as fat as your kid."

- That seems a little offensive.
- Sure does, Sam.

Sorry, we don't have
one yet. I apologize.

"Don't spend a chunk on your chunk."

No.

We don't have it yet.

I'm sure you'll come up with something.

- Oh, definitely.
- You know, I don't know

if I ever told you this,

but I actually worked with your father

when I was at Hudson's Department Store.

I was actually at the meeting when,

you know, he went nuts.

I prefer "bonkers."

Oh. Of course. Bonkers.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, he came in

to pitch an ad for our
back to school sale,

and he had us close our
eyes, and when we opened them,

he had pulled out this briefcase.

Swear to God,

it was filled to the brim with sh*t.

And he walked around the table

and put a little handful
in front of each of us.

As he made his way up the table,

I realized he only had
the front half of his suit.

He had cut out the rest.

Totally naked in the back.

I found that to be odd.

So there we were, sitting there,

little servings of sh*t in front of us,

staring at this half-naked man,

and you know what?

We were still waiting for
him to bring it all home.

That's how good he was, man.

[laughs]

Big Hank Cramblin.

They don't make 'em like that anymore.

Thank you for telling
me that story, sir.

"Husky Boy Jeans.

They're not food, but
you'll still love them."

- Closer.
- We don't have it!

[upbeat music]

I mean, I guess I
just don't want to feel

like I'm being censored
in front of a client.

No, no, no, and I don't
want you to feel that way.

I was just feeling a little
off 'cause I kept forgetting

to call the fat kids "husky."

[laughing] That was so funny.

I mean, you always call them fat.

That's what they are.

[laughter]

Where is Sheila?

[gasps] Tim, finally, a mystery.

Yes.

[Sheila laughing]

- Mystery solved.
- Yeah.

Get me a box of those pens I like.

Set me up with a massage at : .

And see if you can get ahold of Emilio.

Have him come over

and measure me for some new suits.

You got it, Big Hank.

Hey, Dad.

Tim, Sam.

They let you out?

Of the nuthouse?

Yeah, got released this morning.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I'm back.

You ain't sh*t.

Never said I was.

Well, you've implied it.

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[laughter and chatter]

What is going on in there?

Right?

I've never made anybody

laugh like that my entire life.

- Well, me.
- Yeah, you.

So I said, "Fine, Doc,

"but if you think you're getting

those pajamas back,
you're crazy."

[laughter]

It is great to have you back, Hank.

Thank you.

We missed Cramblin Advertising.

We didn't go anywhere, and
it's Cramblin-Duvet now.

That's me, so...

Tim, you remember Leslie

from Better Made Potato Chips?

Yes, Sam and I pitched you
an idea about a boat captain

piloting a battleship down
a river made of potato chips.

You said you'd think about
it and get back to us.

That was three years ago.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry about that.

The answer is no.

- Sure.
- We figured.

It's just good to know sometimes.

Well, it's great to
have you back, Big Hank.

Thank you, Leslie. Thank you so much.

Guys, you ready to wine and
dine Dan from Downriver Ale?

Top of the Pontch.

Oh, Dad, Sam and I should stay here.

Tim, Top of the Pontch.

We have to come up with
taglines for Husky Boys.

Small potatoes.

Let's go reel us in a
big fish from Downriver.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

So I drop the Kn*fe.

My hands are covered in blood.

And here comes Hank

riding a motorcycle he
stole from God knows where.

I hop on, shut my eyes,

and the next thing I know,
we're back in San Diego!

[laughter]

I don't get it.

Did Dan from Downriver
Ale k*ll a guy in Mexico?

I mean, I think so?

Four Downriver Ales.

Yeah, what are you guys having?

[laughter]

I-I thought one of those was for me.

Yeah, I guess we'll
have four beers each too.

Give us four hanger steaks, rare,

all the sides the table can hold,

and, well, another round.

I wanted the filet.

To our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet!

[laughter]

Oh! Hey, Dan, let's talk turkey.

You know, I have to say something.

I didn't particularly like that joke.

I love my wife.

- Well, sure, kid. I was just...
- I respect her.

And before I tell a joke,
I like to ask myself,

"If she was sitting right next
to me, would I tell this joke?"

That comment crossed the line.
I don't think it was very funny.

[clears throat]

It's great to see you
again, Hank, but...

everybody at Downriver
Ale is happy where we are.

Our ads are hilarious.

People love 'em.

Yeah, they are funny.

Tim, Sam, what's your favorite beer?

- Downriver Ale.
- Why is that?

Because you drank it.

I used to steal his
beers from the fridge

in the garage while he was at work.

I always wondered how my
six-packs became four-packs.

[laughter]

You know, Dan, your
commercials are funny.

But there's nothing funny
about the feeling you get

when you steal a beer
out of your dad's fridge.

Do you want to be the funny beer?

You go ahead.

With us, Downriver Ale, it's no joke.

To our mouths and buttholes.

May they never meet.

- Yes.
- Hear, hear.

[laughter]

Now, that's a good joke.

[smooth R&B music]

Sheila, pot of coffee, two aspirin.

Waiting on your desk, Big Hank.

Best in the business, baby!

I can't believe how much they drank.

What about me?

I had two pieces of chocolate cake.

Yeah, what was that?

Nobody else got dessert.

We had to sit there and
watch you for minutes.

Oh, so that's the top story now?

That I had two pieces of cake for lunch?

It's page one, baby.

Shut up.

"Husky Boys:

"Technically girls

can shop here too."

That's great.

"Husky Boys:

We're gonna hide the way you look."

"Husky Boys: the official
wardrobe of the Klumps."

"Husky Boys: 'Cause you can't wear

a little sailor suit forever."

"Husky Boys: the belts
are just for show."

"Husky Boys:

Chode style."

"Husky Boys: Propeller
hat not included."

And that's .

Well, which one's the best one?

- None of them.
- Well, we tried.

I'm gonna go run some
of these by my dad.

[knocking]

Hey, Dad.

Uh, you mind if we run

some of these Husky Boy taglines by you?

Oh, can't, son.

Got Liberty Airlines
first thing tomorrow.

Lot of catching up to do.

Okay, cool.

Uh, do you need any help with those?

[chuckles softly]

I think I got it.

Maybe I'll meet up with
you guys later on tonight.

Sounds good.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[rock music playing]

♪ - - ♪

Frank Franklin.

_

That was one of the first commercials

we ever did together.

Yeah, we heard that melody
in another commercial

and we were like, "Let's just use that."

I'm gonna miss being in charge.

Yeah, it was a good run, though, pal.

Oh, sure was.

Guards at the Wayne
County Insane Asylum

went on strike this morning
after their paychecks bounced.

When pressed for comment,

lawmakers said it was not
a mistake, saying, quote

"We were just hoping
they wouldn't notice."

And while the cats were
away, the mice escaped,

as shown in this
security footage.

- Damn it, he's still nuts!
- Bonkers.

Tonight, dangerous lunatics

are scattered around
the city of Detroit.

[laughing] But what
else is new, right?

We'll be right back
with sports, weather,

and my Chump of the Week.

Stick with us.

All right, let's go get 'em.

Well, Tim, we can't miss
Mort Crim's Chump of the Week.

- Come on, Sam.
- Tim, Chump of the Week.

- Come on!
- Ugh!

Stupid.

[elevator dings]

There's a gigantic man in your office.

He gave me some great
notes on a commercial,

and then he asked me to cut
out the back half of his suit.

Yeah, we're on it. That's my dad.

That's your dad?

Yeah.

You did not come from that.

Yes, I did. It's my dad.

Good night, guys.

Good night. [scoffs]

And that sucker is Mort
Crim's Chump of the Week.

Good night, Detroit.

Damn it, Tim.

- We missed the Chump of the Week.
- [line ringing]

And you know Mort
doesn't put stuff online.

I'm sorry.

[phone rings]

Wayne County Insane Asylum.

Hi, this is Tim Cramblin from
Cramblin-Duvet Advertising.

We have one of your lunatics.

- It's my dad, Hank Cramblin.
- Oh, okay.

I need to put you in
contact with the orderlies

who are rounding up the patients.

They're putting me in
touch with the orderlies

who are rounding up all the patients.

Oh, cool.

[beatboxing]

♪ We out here driving
late at night ♪

♪ Looking for crazy
people, what a fright ♪

♪ You look to the left ♪

- ♪ Look to the right ♪
- [cell phone buzzes]

- Hello?
- Hello, boys.

I have the son of one
of the escaped patients.

Thanks, Helen. Put him through.

This is Darron. How may I help you?

Uh, yeah, hi.

Uh, we have my dad,

who escaped from your asylum.

Is anyone in danger?

No, he seems fine.

Okay, if you can,
bring him in yourselves.

We got a lot of nutballs to scoop up.

No offense to your father.

Oh, none taken.

We'll bring him in, okay?

Okay. Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

There go one of 'em right there!

Get him.

[tires squealing, all groan]

[holiday music playing on TV]

Hey, Pop.

Good evening, Mr. Cramblin.

I was going through some stuff,

found this video of
an old Christmas party.

[applause]

Whoa, what's Santa
got old Wallace here?

What? It's an empty
bottle of gin, Wallace.

Both: Oh, Wallace.

We found so many in your desk,

we figured you collected them.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

What'd you get me, Santa Hank?

Whoa, look at Sheila.

Yeah, she was even hotter back then.

Ho, ho, ho!

Well, if Big Hank was here,

I'm sure he'd tell you
all thank you so much

for another amazing year,

and merry Christmas.

All: Merry Christmas.

Ho! Look, my little elves!

And they got a cake!

[applause]

[Both chuckling]

All: Oh!

Crap! Damn it, Sam.

Me? That was your fault, Tim.

[chuckles]

Tim, Sam. Listen up. Stop.

[Both laughing]

All right, guys. Listen up.

Stop it. Dude, stop it.

You actually hurt my back.

You're a tip-to-tail piece of crap.

Okay, you two. Hug and make up.

- You're my best friend.
- You're my best friend.

- [laughter]
- Merry Christmas, boys.

Ah.

We got to bring you back, Dad.

Mort Crim reported the escape

right before he announced
his Chump of the Week.

Who was Chump of the Week?

We don't know.

Well...

I guess this is it.

Dad, wait.

Is there anything you want
to do before we take you back?

One last night in
Detroit. Sky's the limit.

Well, I would like to get
the hell out of this office

and hang out with my
son and his best friend.

- Sounds good.
- You got it.

How about we go to Lindell
AC and get us a burger?

- Oh, sorry, Dad.
- That closed.

- Chin Tiki?
- Demolished.

- Boblo Island.
- It's condos now.

- House I grew up in?
- It's a hipster bar.

- Michigan Theater.
- It's a parking garage.

- Silverdome.
- Abandoned.

- Old Tiger Stadium.
- Dad, they closed

Tiger Stadium before you went nuts.

Plus, you called it Old Tiger Stadium.

Okay, I'd like to see
the sunrise one last time.

Detroit still has a sun, right?

Yeah.

Well, I guess we've
got some time to k*ll.

[JR JR's "Gone"]

[upbeat indie pop music]

♪ ♪

♪ I can't be ♪

♪ Everything you
want me to be ♪

♪ I can't be ♪

♪ Everything you
want me to be ♪

♪ Finally ♪

♪ I can see the light
through the leaves ♪

♪ But it's all gone ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But it's all gone ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But it's all gone ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But it's all gone ♪

♪ ♪

[firecrackers popping and whistling]

[laughs]

♪ ♪

[g*nshots]

[car alarm blaring]

♪ ♪

Well, there you go, Pop.

We give you one Detroit sunrise.

Yeah, it's one of my favorite places.

I used to take you guys fishing here.

Yeah, Mr. Cramblin. You sure did.

I caught a carp the size of my head.

[laughs]

I remember that.

Took turns reeling that sucker in.

[howls]

We for sure got to get back.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Boys, thanks for a great night.

It's our pleasure, Mr. Cramblin.

Sam, you can call me Hank.

♪ ♪

It was great to see you, Dad.

I'll come visit this weekend.

I'd like that.

Yeah, we actually have to get

to that Husky Boys sh**t.

I know it's just small potatoes, but...

Ah, small potatoes, big potatoes.

Hey, it's food on the table.

Proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

You know, there's something
I've been wanting to tell you.

The meeting at Hudson's?

- Yeah.
- The sh*t in the briefcase?

Yeah.

Wasn't my sh*t.

I think that actually
makes it worse, Dad.

- It does?
- Yeah.

Hmm.

Well, Sam.

Hank.

- Son.
- Dad.

- Love you.
- Love you too.

- Did he say it wasn't his sh*t?
- Yeah.

I mean, that makes it worse, doesn't it?

Yeah, no, that's what I told him.

That's exactly what I told him.

Husky Jeans, skinny prices.

Yup, I mean, that's it.

Thanks, Dad.

I'll send you a bill.

See you in the funny pages.

You okay?

Yeah.

It was actually a great day.

It's like we were spending time
with the best version of my dad.

There was no anger,
fits of rage, paranoia.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Fecal hoarding.

Hank! Hey, Hank! Come on! Come on, Hank!

Maybe he is actually getting better.

I'm gonna talk to doctors this week,

see if he can get out.

He could maybe even come and help us out

a few times a week in the office.

- That'd be great.
- It'd be awesome.

Hey, can I buy you breakfast?

No, you can't, 'cause
I'm buying you breakfast.

Don't do that, Tim.

You know, when you don't
let me pay for stuff,

it's like your way of controlling me.

Controlling you? I'm being nice.

- Yeah, right.
- [Hank laughing]

How's buying you breakfast not nice?

- Don't do this, man!
- Tim, it's systemic racism.

We're fat, man! Come on, slow down.