01x10 - Quick Rick Mahorn in Dearborn

[bunniefuu]

- Humpf.
- Another round?

No, I think I'm good.

It's open bar

- Let's get another round.
- Yeah, let's get one. Come on.

- Fun night.
- Yeah.

I don't even care if we win.

Oh, we're gonna win.

Yeah, of course, totally,

but I'm saying even if we don't win...

Yeah, we're gonna.

Yeah, no, I know. I mean, same page.

I'm just saying that,
you know, I'm so proud

of the work that we've
done that I don't need

the validation of my peers
to make me feel good about it.

- Yeah. But we're gonna win.
- Yes.

Hey, how ya doin'? I'll
have four Boston Coolers.

But put some booze in 'em.

Can I have four White Russians?

Maybe put some booze in that?

You know what? Four more Boston Coolers.

No booze.

I'll tell you what. You know what?

Put some booze in them.
A little booze in those.

- Wow, you guys must be thirsty.
- Carter?

Carter Grant, VP of marketing, Chrysler?

- Well, not anymore.
- Oh, you changed your name?

No, same name.

- Um, I actually got fired.
- What happened?

Well, I've hit a string
of bad luck as of late.

It all started with
that accident I was in.

You guys remember that?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Doesn't ring a bell.

Oh. Well, I got run over by some maniac.

It damaged your leg permanently?

We are so sorry...

that happened to you.

Well, no, no.

This is actually, uh,
from a separate incident.

Actually, the doctor that
I had after the hit-and-run

got me back in tip-top shape.

Yeah, he was great.

In fact, he was so great
that my wife left me for him.

[laughter]

- Carter!
- No, I'm being serious.

- Oh, crap.
- Yeah, it's all right.

No, it's okay. It was my fault, though.

You know, uh, all the pain meds

that I was on in the hospital
got me drinking again,

and that was something I
promised her I'd never do.

You know, that led to my accident.

- Drunk driving.
- Oh, no, no, no.

This was actually from
mixed martial arts fighting.

Yeah, guy ripped off my patella.

I just sort of threw myself
into it after Susan left me.

I was horrible at it, you know.

Just kept getting my
ass kicked by black guys.

Why say black guys?

'Cause I could b*at all the white guys.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Yeah.

No, I thought this
injury was my rock bottom,

but, uh, well, then this happened.

- Luke Skywalker hand!
- Whoa!

- Yeah.
- How did that happen?

Yeah, well, you're gonna
think this is made up,

but my dad cut off my hand.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Hey, silver lining, it
did sober me up. Yeah.

And I got rehired back at Chrysler.

- Oh, good.
- Yeah.

By my old protégé, who's
now the VP of marketing.

Half the salary, got a
cubicle instead of an office,

so yep, it's been a long,

rough road recently
for old Carter Grant.

I'll tell you what.

Winning a D Award tonight,

that'll make the pain go away.

We're actually up for the last ad

we made under my watch.

Oh, it was the Chrysler Pacifica spot

that you guys missed out on.

Wait, that campaign
was for a specific car?

I thought it was just
for Chrysler in general.

No, car companies don't
really make generic commercials

for the entire brand.

If you want a specific car,
get a Chrysler Pacifica.

It's a little late.

And not very good.

Understand.

Looks like your drinks are here.

Oh, yeah.

Well... good luck, Carter.

Yeah, good luck.

Thanks, guys.

Really appreciate it.

You remind me of, uh,

better times.

I should go sit down,

as I'm in a great deal of pain.

Okay.

Excuse me. Could we...

Like, a tray or something?

- Something to carry this?
- Just a tray...

What you've done here is ridiculous.

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back on our feet,yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage
our host for the evening,

Detroit's favorite son,

the cohost of "Tool Time,"

Al Borland!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you very much.

Uh, you know, I asked them
not to introduce me like that.

Al Borland is a fictional character

from a show called "Home Improvement."

I am not Al Borland.

[applause]

I'm Richard Karn, and
I'd like to welcome you

to Detroit Advertising's
night of the year:

the D Awards!

[cheers and applause]

I'll tell you, the producers asked me

not to sing tonight.

Yeah, right.

[cheers and applause]

Maestro!

[jazzy music playing]

♪ ♪

[gasps and laughter]

♪ ♪

♪ Well, tonight is your night ♪

♪ And the light is just right ♪

♪ If you try you just might ♪

♪ Win a D tonight ♪

And the D for graphic design...

♪ Let your dreams take flight ♪

Pomerantz and Klein!

♪ High in the sky like a kite ♪

Crazy Morgan.

♪ With this D ♪

♪ You're the best there can be ♪

♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

♪ At the D Awards tonight ♪

[cheers and applause]

Okay, folks, this is it.

The D Award for Consumer
TV: Thirty Second Single.

First up, Downriver Ale from Doner.

Kid Rock: Detroit. A city on its knees.

But we're ready to get
back up and stand tall.

This is our town, and this is our beer:

Downriver Ale.

[applause]

Little Caesars, also from Doner.

Kid Rock: Detroit.

It's not the size of
the dog in the fight.

It's the size of the fight in the dog.

Is that Kid Rock again?

Kid Rock: Little Caesars.

This is our pizza pizza.

[applause]

Chrysler Pacifica from
Pomerantz and Klein.

Kid Rock: Detroit knows a little
something

about hard work.

Those other towns?

They're hardly working.

Chrysler Pacifica.

This is our car.

[applause]

And finally,

Quick Rick Mahorn in Dearborn.

Cramblin-Duvet Advertising?

Rick Mahorn from the
Pistons has a car dealership?

I did not know that.

[laughter]

- Let's take a look.
- [applause]

Who's the superhero saving
Detroit from high prices?

Quick Rick Mahorn in Dearborn!

Help! I need to buy a car fast!

Who can help me?

[whooshing]

I can help you.

It's me, Quick Rick Mahorn of Dearborn.

My parents were k*lled in an alley,

so I became a superhero
who can run fast.

I can put you into an
affordable used car like that.

[snaps fingers]

Thanks, Rick Mahorn. That was fast.

My work here is done.

I think I'll run to France
and get me a croissant.

Ooh, la, la.

You want a fast deal,

come to Quick Rick Mahorn in Dearborn.

♪ On Greenfield and Warren
next to the big brown house ♪

[applause]

[drumroll]

And the winner is...

Doner, Downriver Ale!

[cheers and applause]

Bullshit!

We'll get 'em next time, bud.

Even if we don't, it's still fun.

We'll get 'em next time.

- All right.
- Uh, guys.

Hey, Carter. Tough break, man.

It's all right.

You know, you win some, you lose...

everything.

Who knew everyone was
gonna use Kid Rock, right?

Yeah, there was a lot of Kid Rock.

There was. There really was.

Anyway, um, this is Judy Thompson.

She's director of
marketing for Quicken Loans.

They're actually, uh, on
the hunt for a new agency.

Yeah, someone small and local, and I...

Well, you know, I recommended you guys.

Carter raves about you two.

I'd love to meet with you next week.

- Absolutely.
- Yeah, we'll give you a call.

Sounds good.

Take care.

- Thank you, Carter.
- Yeah.

That was very nice of you.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I figure I owe you guys one.

All right.

Ow. [groans]

Ow.

[melancholy music]

We set in motion a chain of events

that ruined a man's life.

I can't believe this time yesterday,

all I cared about was
winning a stupid D Award.

Well, we never stood a chance.

Yeah, I know that now.

[upbeat music]

Morning, Sheila.

These are for you.

Oh, thank you, Rick. They're lovely.

You think the guys are in right now?

I want to talk to them about another ad.

- Go right in.
- Thank you.

I mean, how are we gonna
compete with agencies

like Doner and Pomerantz and Klein?

We can't.

With their budgets, they
can get the best actors.

I mean, they have Kid Rock.

Meanwhile we're stuck with Rick Mahorn.

- Yeah.
- I mean, bless his heart,

but Rick Mahorn can't act his
way out of a wet paper bag.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

Well, let's not dwell on it.

Let's just come up with
a pitch for Quicken Loans.

Yeah, okay. Um...

- Quicken Loans.
- Quicken Loans.

Quicken Loans, Bicken Bones.

- Maybe.
- Yeah?

Why is our first move always to rhyme?

Well, don't question the process.

Besides, Bicken Bones ain't nothing.

Oh, absolutely not.

♪ ♪

Rick Mahorn can't act his
way out of a wet paper bag.

♪ ♪

Ooh, yeah.

Very good. Very good. Excellent.

Lose all of your inhibitions.

Yes.

Oh, can we help you?

Yes, you can. I want
to learn how to act.

You've come to the right place.

Join us.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

You ready?

No. Are you ready?

No.

So what do you have for us?

We open on a family in
front of their dream home.

In order to afford the dream home,

the family needs a loan. Why?

Because two maniacs ran over
their dad and ruined his life.

So the dad's long gone.

Lost his hand.

Are you guys talking about Carter Grant?

- No.
- Can we finish, please?

- Okay.
- Um, so the mom needs a loan.

Who does she turn to?

The big stuffy banks? Psh, no, thanks.

[laughter]

Quicken Loans?

Hmm. Maybe.

But who are they?

What are they? I don't know.

Why?

Because you need a mascot.

Buying a home should be fun.

It shouldn't be scary.

It shouldn't make you
think of your own mortality

and that we're all gonna die

and one day, a man's gonna
shove cotton up your butthole.

I apologize; I'm going through
some personal stuff right now,

and I think some of it's seeping out.

Yeah, me too; I'm going through

the same stuff as him, actually.

Yeah, it's the same personal stuff

- that we're going through.
- Exact same event.

Uh...

buying a home should be fun.

It shouldn't be scary.

It...

You know what?

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I'm well aware that we have you

in the palm of our hands right now,

and I could pull down
this card right now,

show you this mascot.

Oh. Oh!

And it would blow each
and every one of you

out of the water.

But I'm afraid that would all be fruit

from a poisonous tree.

So we respectfully
decline your business.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you for your
time and your respect.

- Thank you.
- No worries.

To be honest, we just set
this meeting up to be polite.

You know, I wish people
would quit doing that!

It's mean!

This is, like, our real
job, you know what I mean?

It's not, like, a game.

Ugh!

What a frickin' joke.

I've got to see this mascot.

[screams]

What did he tell you, Bobby?

Huck's been sh*t. He's dead.

He's in heaven.

Uh, and scene.

You loved Huck.

- Thanks, Coach.
- Mm-hmm.

And again.

What did he tell you, Bobby?

[crying] He said Huck's been sh*t.

He's dead.

He's going to heaven now.

And scene.

Yes!

[applause]

Yes!

[triumphant music]

I think we found our Mama.

I can't live like this anymore.

We have to tell Carter what we did.

No way, man.

We'll go to jail, Sam.

We almost k*lled him.

So, uh, do you have any
ideas for a commercial?

We have to be honest, man.

We don't.

What's the name of your store again?

It's just called Electronics Store.

Yeah, there's nothing
we can do with that.

[slow rock music]

And so the proof turned out
not to be in the pudding

but, rather, in the
m*rder*r's blood and semen.

[laughing] We'll be back after these words.

This weekend, be sure to
catch "All the Fixin's,"

an original play starring
Pistons legend Rick Mahorn.

Rick Mahorn's in a play?

It's got all the laughs, all the tears,

all the fixin's.

That's what the TV said.

Tim, just... Obviously.

_

Prisoner ,

why should we let you out of jail today?

Because it's my mama's birthday.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, what's up? What's up?

Hey, where's mama?

Bobby, Mama's sick.

I've done everything
I can for this family,

worked my fingers to the bone.

Don't talk to me like that.

- I'm a grown-ass man.
- Stop it. Enough!

I'm going to get Mama.

- Mama!
- Mama!

I've been in this bed

listening to y'all in
here fussing and cussing.

I ain't raised y'all like that.

Go for it, Rick.

Someone set that stove on

and bring me all the fixin's.

Whoo!

You think we gon' miss
a meal in this house?

Bullshit!

[laughter and applause]

I'll never get a chance
to tell Mama the truth

of what I did that day,

and I'll regret it for
the rest of my life.

We have to tell Carter.

Yeah, we'll tell him
first thing tomorrow.

[cheers and applause]

Both: Detroit basketball!

All: Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Don't look over there.

Those are cars that
haven't been released yet.

[laughs] I'm screwing around.

Well, this is me.

I know. I know. It's small.

- Oh, no.
- It is.

- Tim.
- It is.

So I heard you guys really tanked
the Quicken Loans meeting, huh?

- Just chunked it.
- Yeah?

Yeah, but that's actually
not why we're here.

Carter, we have something

very important to tell you.

Yeah? Well, you're
catching me on a good day.

You're not gonna believe this, but, uh,

well, I was walking home last night.

Who do I bump into? Shandy Hogan.

- Wow!
- Oh, that's great!

- What are the odds?
- Oh, you know her.

- No.
- We were just being supportive.

Yeah, go on, Shandy Hogan or whatever.

Yeah, Shandy Hogan, yeah,
my high school sweetheart.

First girl I ever loved,

and guess what she does for a living.

- Pilot.
- No.

- Sleazy record producer.
- No.

- Drummer.
- No.

Professional muscle lady.

No, guys, it's something good.

- Knight.
- City councilwoman?

No, she's a physical therapist.

- Yeah, that's okay.
- Oh, sweet.

No, it is good, because we
started talking about my leg.

Yeah, next thing you know,
we're having dinner together.

Next thing you know,
we've been talking so long

that the restaurant closes around
us and they had to kick us out.

Oh, those assholes!

Oh, no, it was fine.

It was great, actually.

I'm gonna see her again tonight.

Oh, Carter, that's great.

It's funny, you know?

Had I met her a year ago,

I would have been married to
some woman that, let's face it,

I obviously wasn't supposed to be with.

Ain't life something?

So I guess you're saying

getting hit by that car

was the best thing that
ever happened to you.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

Would you, please?

Please what?

Say getting hit by that car

was the best thing that
ever happened to you?

- Why?
- No reason.

Might be fun to say out loud.

See how it feels.

You guys ran over me.

[both laughing]

Yeah. Yeah, we ran over you.

Guilty!

You guys ran over me. You did.

You put a bag of chips on my head,

and you dumped me in the
woods, and you left me for dead.

[mockingly] "You threw me in
the woods and left me for dead."

Hey, did you? Yes or no?

Yes! We ran you over.

Carter, we are so sorry.

You dumb son of a
b*tches ruined my life.

Look, it was just an accident.

Yeah, Carter, we'll do
anything to make it up to you.

Make it up to me? How
are you gonna make up

starting off a chain of
events that led to this?

Well, I mean, there's
got to be something.

No, there's nothing you could do

to make us even for
what you've done to me.

Yes, there is.

Oh, you think I'm just gonna let you off

by sucking my [bleep]?

- That's not it.
- Tim, is that it?

- That's not it.
- Oh, okay, okay.

- That's not what I was thinking.
- Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[dramatic music]

This sucks!

[dramatic music]

You ready, assholes?

- No!
- Hey, uh, we changed our minds.

Yeah? Well, tough sh*t,
'cause here I come.

[engine revving, tires squealing]

Aaaah!

Cover up your hog!

I can't. My hands aren't big enough.

[laughs] That's good.

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

[The Platters' "You'll Never, Never Know"

[slow doo-wop music]

♪ ♪

[thudding]

[tires screeching]

[laughs]

Sons of b*tches.

♪ You'll never know ♪

♪ You'll never, never know I care ♪

♪ Wah, oh ♪

♪ You'll never know ♪

♪ The torch I bear♪

I'd piss on you right now,

but I'm a Chrysler man.

That's not how we do things.

[spits]

♪ No, no, you'll never ♪

♪ Oh, no, you'll never ♪

♪ Ever know ♪

♪ You'll never know ♪

Alright, that sh*t, folks!

I have been Richard Karn.
You have been wonderful.

Drive safe! We'll see ya next year.

And if you're watching
at home, I don't know how,

we're not televised.

Get on, everybody!