09x09 - Bad Neighbor Sam

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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09x09 - Bad Neighbor Sam

Post by bunniefuu »

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh, Lilith.

Boy, am I happy to see you.

And I, as ever, you.

You know, I was
cleanin' out my garage,

and I was gonna toss a
whole bunch of old toys

into the Dumpster,
and then I thought,

"Oh, heck, maybe the
Crane kid would like 'em."

Oh, goodie!

w*r toys.

Yeah.

Get a load of these, huh?

Ah.

Little tin Confederate soldiers

so my child can have the fun

of reliving the carnage
and agony of the Civil w*r.

You bet.

My Gino once did a battle
of Gettysburg using these

and a can of tomato bisque soup.

Oh!

Here's a cute little dolly.

Yeah.

If you run her along
the bar, she screams,

and sparks fly out of her eyes.

Carla, these toys
are inappropriate.

I fear that a child who spent
his time playing with them

would be in grave danger

of developing severe
personality disorders,

possibly bordering
on the psychotic.

Wow! Spark Head!

God, I used to love
this when I was a kid!

Hey, guess who Sid and
Gladys ran into the other day!

Hank and Marilyn!

Through the windshield! Aah!

Aah! Skidding on the pavement!

See?

Do I want my son
to grow up like that?

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Thanks for dropping
me off, honey.

Sure. Yeah.

Oh, I tell you
guys... man, phew!

Martha's Vineyard is the
sweetest place on Earth.

Bye, Sam.

Bye, Martha.

Hey, let me buy you
guys a round here, huh?

Hey, all right.
Thank you, Sammy.

You are in a good mood, huh?

Well, why not? I woke up
on the right side of her bed.

You dog!

I know something that'll
make you feel even better.

Yeah? What's that?

Guess who's taking
over Melville's today. Me?

Wow!

John Allen Hill... Hmm.

Manhattan's
foremost restaurateur.

And guess who
made it all happen.

Me? Wow!

No.

Me. I was talking to
Rob... Wait, wait, wait.

Does this story have
anything to do with me?

Yes. Wow!

Go on, go on, go on.

When Mr. Hill makes Melville's
the toast of Boston's nightlife,

our little bar will ride
right along with it.

And all because of me.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Guys, check this out.

Kelly sent me
pictures of herself

all the way from Paris.

Ah. Oh.

Hmm. This one's a cutie.

Ooh! Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's her on her
bed in the... in the convent.

Looking, uh,

rather fetching

in an oversized T-shirt
reading, "Je suis avec Stupide."

Ooh, la, la.

So, who do you suppose
took those snapshots, Wood?

Oh, probably her
roommate, Cindy Ann.

Hmm.

Well, I-I don't know, Woody.

There's a thumb in this picture.

Either it's a man's
thumb, or little Cindy Ann

could use a big bottle
of Nair for Christmas.

I can't believe it.

This is a man's thumb.

She's having some
hairy French guy

take sexy pictures of her!

All right, well, two
can play at this game.

I'm gonna have some hairy
French guy take pictures of me.

I'm John Hill, your
new upstairs neighbor.

Oh, hi.

And you must be Sam Malone.

Yeah. How'd you know?

My hatcheck girl
described your hair.

She didn't do it justice.

Ah. Well, it's kind of a hobby.

The joy it must bring you.

Well, Mr. Malone,

since we're going
to be neighbors,

I brought a little
gift for your tavern.

Oh! Look at that.
Hey, all right.

It's a welcome mat
with a duck on it.

Look at that.

Well, we've never really
used a-a doormat before.

Well, not counting Clavin.

Do you, uh... Do you
think this kind of thing goes

in a sports bar?

Oh... WOODY: Well,

back in Hanover, duck
hunting is considered

one of the manliest of sports.

We used to do it all the time.

You-You actually
sh*t ducks, Woody?

Oh, no.

It was just an
excuse for the guys

to get together
and drink hot cocoa

and blow those little
quacker dealies, right?

I had the best one.

I made it out of a
Good and Plenty box.

He's cute.

Does he come with
his own dueling banjo?

Well, Mr. Malone,

uh, please make
sure your patrons

use this mat before
tracking dirt up to Melville's.

Oh, uh,

John, you know, I...

Listen, I really don't think so.

Oh.

Well, fine.

Uh, oh, by the way I...

I think this will
amuse you, Sam.

In looking at the property map

that came with my title deed,

it appears that the
area beyond that hallway

actually belongs to me.

Oh, no, no, John.

That's, uh... that's
the pool room,

and those are our bathrooms.

No, no, no. Look here.

You see?

Apparently, it was Melville's
old storage basement.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Don't... Don't get alarmed.

I have no designs on them.

I just mentioned it, because
I thought it was amusing.

That's-That's very funny.

Um...

so, do we still get to use it?

Of course! We're neighbors.

Neighbors help each other.

Yeah, well, of c...
Yeah, of course they do.

Of course they... You
know, I got an idea.

Why don't you let me
help you put this duck mat

right down at the
foot of the stairs?

Well, that's very
thoughtful of you, Sam.

Oh.

Oh, um, one other thing.

Our, uh, garbage area seems
to be strewn with beer cans

that appear to have been crushed
against someone's forehead.

Oh...

I warned you about that.

Hey, I get crazy!

Don't-Don't... Don't
worry about it, John.

I'll, uh... I'll take care
of that right away.

Also, your red Corvette
seems to be parked in my space.

Oh, no.

Now-Now, John, I've-I've
always parked in that space.

Not any longer.

Uh, fine. All-All right.

Uh, I'll move it.

Of course you will.

You know, I...

I don't know if I like
this guy so much.

He seems kind of snooty.

He's not snooty, Sam.

He's sophisticated.

I think this bar could
benefit from his kind of class.

Oh, come on. Cheers is
classy enough the way it is.

Have you ever seen so
many Yuppies with gold cards?

John Allen Hill
worked his magic,

and we reap the benefits.

I love these charge slips.

Look at here.

They put down a five for a tip.

Now, all I have to do is
stick a one in front of it...

and I got 15!

Uh, oh, all right, Normie,
you b*at me fair and square,

so, uh, all right, let
me buy you a beer.

Yeah.

Um... excuse me, I was, uh...

I was sitting,
uh... sitting there?

Oh, there was no one
here when we came in.

No, I mean, yesterday.

And...

I mean, really since
the Ford administration.

We're just waiting for
our table up in Melville's.

So you'll move?

Look, there's lots
of other stools.

Um...

Um...

Look, uh, um...

Sounds kind of silly...

I'm, uh... I'm Norm.

I'm Jeffrey, and
this is Hillary.

Nice to meet you.

What do you do, Norm?

I sit there.

Well, it's nice meeting you.

Look, uh, this is... this is...

Yeah. We're runnin'
out of time here.

He's-He's already two stages

beyond anything
I've seen before,

so I-I think you'd
better give him the stool.

I'm-I'm sorry.
We're sitting here.

Norm? Norm! Norm...!

Uh, what's all the
commotion about?

Who cares?

Set 'em up, Wood.

Cheers.

Uh, okay, just a second.

Armstrong, party of
four, your table is ready.

Uh, have our
drinks sent upstairs.

We'll pay for them up there.

Excuse me?

Young man, could you
call upstairs and tell them

that we're waiting
down in the lounge

until our table is ready?

Sure. No, Woody. Woody, no.

This is not... This is
not Melville's lounge.

Uh, I got to go
talk to this Hill guy.

This is getting
out of hand here.

This is my bar.

It's not his stupid
yuppie lounge!

I think Sam's overreacting

just a bit, don't you?

Ciao, g*ng!

Randy!

Times they are
a-changin', Mr. P.

Hey, Norm! Norm, Norm, Norm!

Give me your coat
and tie, will you?

Forgot about their
stupid dress code.

Woody,

you sent up a party of
eight without calling ahead.

Where is my brain?

Oh, man!

This is going too far.

Sam! Sam! Sam, stop it. Relax.

Listen, don't let your
anger get the better of you.

That's the worst
thing you can do

in a business situation.

Well, maybe you're right.

I don't know. It just...

You know, it seems to me
like he's turning our bar into...

well, into something
Diane would have liked.

All right, Sam.

You hold him, I'll hit him.

No, no.

You-You-You were
right. Thanks, man.

You were right the
first time. Listen,

I'll just go... talk
to him... here.

Say, Mr. Hill... John!

Could I have a
little chat with you?

Oh, certainly, Mr. Malone.

John, I'm...

I'm feeling a little
uncomfortable

with you delegating
new responsibilities

to my employees.

I understand completely.

Oh, good, so it'll stop.

No...

I think I deserve
a little leeway.

After all, I am allowing
you to use that poolroom

as well as both washrooms.

Well, no, no, now wait a second.

I could just as easily
say that I'm allowing you

and your customers
to use my stairs.

I mean, look, there go two of
your customers up my stairs.

Yes, and there go two of your
customers into my washroom.

Yeah, well, look, there go
three more of your customers

up my stairs.

Sam, I'm sensing hostility here,

and, frankly, it hurts me.

I mean, especially

since I came down
to do you a favor.

Oh. Uh, well, I'm sorry.

Uh, what's that?

I wanted to give you the
number of the impound lot

where your automobile
has been towed.

What?

Well, you parked
in my space again,

and I had to have it taken away.

You towed my Vette?

Sam...

Sam...

He towed my Vette.

Well... all right.

I'm just... I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to ask you

and your customers to
no longer use my stairs.

Don't you think
that's a little drastic?

No, I don't. I
think it's quite fair.

I mean, it's not like I'm
scratching their chrome

with a giant metal hook.

Very well.

Everyone, may I
have your attention?

Melville's patrons are
no longer welcome here.

Would you please
join me upstairs

for a complimentary cocktail?

No, whoa, whoa.

Not you, Norm.

Carla! Carla, bring me one down!

Hey, Carla, get-get out of line.

Well, I think I
handled that quite well.

Nobody messes with Sam Malone,

least of all some
hairless king of the snobs.


Wow, that was a real sh*t
at you from out of nowhere,

huh, Dr. Crane?

There we go.

Well, congratulations, Sammy.

It's been a whole week
since you gave Hill the boot,

and he hasn't retaliated at all.

Oh, yeah, I know guys like that.

They're all the same.

You know, you call their bluff,

pretty soon they crumble.

Can you believe
the nerve of that guy

putting up a wall like this?

You know the Constitution
guarantees us certain rights,

among those the right
to go to the bathroom

and the right to play pool!

Way to tell them off, Sammy.

Actually they wouldn't let me in

'cause I wasn't
wearing a jacket,

but he can hear me!

Sam, calm down.

I'm calm. I'm calm.

I mean, just
according to his lawyer,

that horse's ass is not going
to take down that brick wall

until I pay rent
on the poolroom.

Ooh, ooh... look what I did.

I stole all his dinner mints.

I know, I know, I know.

I shouldn't have done it. Yes.

I just let him get
to me just a touch.

It won't happen
again, swear to God.

Ten bucks says he
goes ballistic by midnight.

I've got ten that says 11:00.

Well, uh, I'll take 9:30.

Hey, Fras, you want in?

Well, I don't think
that would be fair.

I mean, I am a
professional psychiatrist.

Then again, it might
give me the edge I need.

I say by 8:15 he'll
be spitting up blood.

Dr. Crane,

I need your help.

I've been walking the streets,

pulling out my hair,

bumping into things,
talking to myself.

So, what's new, Woody?

Well, it's Kelly.

I can't stop thinking about her

and-and that man with the thumb.

Oh, Woody.

You've created this whole
scenario based on what?

A snapshot of an
innocent girl in a T-shirt.

I mean, look, if you want
to straighten things out,

why don't you just
call her and talk to her?

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I mean, maybe
if I just talk to her,

we could clear
this whole thing up.

But, so help me God if a
man with a thumb answers...

Hold on.

It's him. It's the thumb guy.

And you know what
that pervert said to me?

"Allo." What does
that mean in English?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, I took some
French in high school.

I think "allo..."
"allo" means, um...

"I've got your
girlfriend in my arms

and, uh, soon we'll be
naked, you stupid cuckold."

That's-that's funny, Norm,
because I thought it meant, uh,

"I've got your
girlfriend in my arms

and we're already
naked, you stupid cuckold."

Oh, for God's sake.

Stop hectoring the poor lad.

Woody, it simply means

that "I enjoyed
your girlfriend."

All right, listen, Monsieur
Thumb, you think you got...

No, no, no, Woody, Woody,
Woody, Woody, Woody, stop, stop.

We were just joking.
Here let me talk to him.

Bonjour, Monsieur.

Eh, mm-hmm, je
suis un ami de Woody.

Un petit problème...

Ma question est le
photographe de Kelly.

Uh-huh.

Non. Non.

C'est marveilleux.

Merci.

Oh, Woody.

It seems that there's
a... a Monsignor, uh, Pilot,

a very elderly French
cleric, who was the one

that took the photograph
of your beloved.

Oh, well.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

I-I feel a million times better.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I-I'm gonna... I'm
gonna go write Kelly

the best darned love
letter she's ever had.

There you go.

So, uh, some old
French priest, huh?

I have no idea.

Apparently, Woody
dialed the wrong exchange.

Somewhere in Belgium, there's
a very confused chocolatier.

I'm taking things into
my own hands here.

I hate that damned wall.

I'm gonna put my bar
back the way it was.

Coming out, no more bets.

Uh, excuse me, you may want
to move over here just a little bit.

Fellas, you may want to
take note where you were

the day the wall came down.

Is it down yet?

Mr. Hill, wait here just
one moment, please, okay?

Sam,

now I don't want
you to be mad at me,

but I brought Mr. Hill here
to settle this whole ugly mess

between the two of you.

Please say you'll talk to him.

Oh, sure, I'd
love to talk to him.

Not with the sledgehammer.

Aw, I wasn't gonna actually,
you know, hit him with it.

I was just gonna drop
it on his foot by mistake.

No, Sam.

Sammy, just let me have it.

Ow!

It would have worked, Sam.

No, I'll just, uh...

I'll go talk to him,
that's all right.

Mr. Hill.

John.

I'm glad you came back.

Sit down for a
second. Oh, thank you.

Uh, things have just gotten
too far out of hand here.

I mean, come on,
we're neighbors.

We need to, well, we need
to learn to live together.

We-we need each other.

I don't need you.

Oh, God, you're evil.

I can't fight the evil.

I-I... I give up, Mr. Hill.

You know, the
funny thing is, I...

when I got my bar
back just recently,

I thought, "Hey, Sam, you're
on top of the world here.

"Your life's finally
turning around.

You're in charge of
your own destiny."

But I was wrong.

You have my bathrooms, Mr. Hill.

You hold all the cards.

You're everything.

You're God.

I'm nothing.

Here's your rent.

I'm sorry, Sam, I was wrong.

I don't want your money.

You don't?

No, I just want you to make
that speech to me in public

every month when
your rent is due.

No, no.

I was wrong, you're not God.

You're-you're some
big petty, mean nothing.

I'll tell... you know I'm gonna
give you your rent every month,

and every month from
here on out, and I'll tell you,

every time I do I'm gonna
write right down here

on the memo part
"You're not God."

There.

How do you like that?

Well, you certainly
put me in my place.

I'll just, uh, take
your money and go.

Yeah. Good, good.

Oh, by the way, when I came in,

I noticed they were
towing your car again.

What for? I didn't
park in your space.

No, but it was in a fire lane.

I don't make the rules.

I just notify the authorities
when they're broken.

Oh, God!

Oh, he's making me insane! Oh!

I'd say that scream
makes it official.

Woody, who won the pool?

Well...

Oh, Sam, you aren't
gonna believe this.

The winner of the $200

is our friendly new
neighbor, John A. Hill.

He gets paid $200
to make me insane?

No, he can't get away with this.

No, this is not fair.
I'll tell you something,

I'm gonna make him take down
that brick wall, brick by brick,

with his own little
polished fingernails.

I need... I need to get back.

I need revenge.

Ooh, yes, yes.

The mat. The stupid mat.

I've always hated this mat.

This is a mat from hell.

Never mind. Never mind.

Where's my sledgehammer?

Yeah, die you stupid duck.

Sammy.

You're not making a dent in it.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Burn, Donald, burn.

It won't burn.

Say, this is a pretty
good mat, isn't it?

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take this
home for myself.

I'm gonna bring back
one of those cheap ones,

the kind that wear
out all the time,

and then he'll have to
replace it himself every month.

I win!
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