Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
(crowd murmuring)
CLIFF: Hi, Woody. Hey!
NORM: Hey, Woodster!
How was that first night
in your new apartment?
It's great, Mr. Peterson. Yeah.
It's the nicest place I've
ever stayed at. Yeah?
And that includes
the night in Hanover
I got locked in the storeroom
in the Piggly Wiggly.
It was cold
and lonely, but the food!
Anyway,
it's no Piggly Wiggly,
but it's got cable.
All right. Is it furnished?
Well, no, but
it's got this cable
that comes right
out of the wall,
fits right into the TV.
I hope it's in a
safer neighborhood
than that last dive of yours.
Well, no, actually,
it's a little worse,
but... it's got cable.
CLIFF: Well,
if it's unfurnished, you must be
getting a break
in the rent, huh?
Well, no, it's
actually a little more,
but you got to
expect that with cable.
Well, whatever.
I think cable's great.
They had Robocop on last night.
Did you catch that?
No. The cable
was out last night.
(theme song begins)
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
CROWD: Norm!
What can I do for you, Norm?
Open up those beer taps
and take the day off, Sam.
CARLA: Here you go, Sammy.
Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah.
Fellas, fellas...
Check them out.
New napkins, huh?
New napkins.
What's this, huh?
Oh, look. There's some
kind of brain teaser on them.
Yup. You're out of luck.
SAM: No, no, no, these
are not brain teasers.
These are, uh, trivia napkins.
Ever since I got the bar back,
I've been looking
for ways to say,
"Hey, thank you
for patronizing me."
Oh, Sam, I-I know you wanted
to use a great big word there.
I think that's marvelous,
but I believe what
you meant to say was,
"Thank you for your patronage."
Really? What's the difference?
Patronage
means customers.
Patronizing is the
way one would talk
to a small, dull child.
Kind of like how you're
talking to me right now?
Aren't you cute!
Okay, all right, here's one.
(clears throat)
"What is the
oldest state capital
in the country?"
CLIFF: Crying out loud, Norm.
I told you that weeks ago! Shh.
Just don't-don't wreck it
for the rest of us, then, okay?
Providence, Rhode Island?
Boston?
No. Santa Fe, New Mexico.
Hey! Wow. Isn't
that fascinating?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Good old Santa Fe!
Ancient capital of
the Conquistadors,
founded 1609.
Hey, here's one.
"What civilization was the
first known to brew beer?"
Early Greece.
Ancient Rome.
Old Milwaukee.
(chuckles)
Ancient Egypt. Get out!
Hey, that's something.
I never knew that trivia
could be so fascinating.
Oh, hold the phone here!
I gave you
that fact months ago.
You said you weren't
interested then.
Well, you know, Cliffie,
it's different with the napkins.
What's so different?
Well, napkins don't
spit when they talk.
REBECCA: Oh, relax.
Woody, you poor thing!
You have to stop worrying.
You're gonna do just fine!
You're going to do a great job.
Don't you think, Carla?
I think he's gonna
b*mb. At what?
Beats me, but I think
I'm on pretty safe ground.
WOODY: I know it's just a
small part in a commercial,
but I don't know
if I have the skill
or the technique to pull it off.
Well, what do you play, Wood?
A bartender.
(laughs)
Woody, you are a bartender.
Yeah, well, but
in this commercial,
I have to serve drinks.
Wood, you serve
drinks all the time.
Yeah, but in this commercial,
I have to talk and serve drinks.
You talk and serve
drinks right here every day.
Oh, great, Sam!
Now you've made me
nervous about working here, too.
Woody, perhaps it
would help you to...
to rehearse your
lines with us. Yeah.
I only have one.
(laughs)
I like it.
That's a very nice line, Woody.
Patronizing, right?
Now you're getting it.
I was kind of surprised
when I got the part.
Said they wanted
someone with a fresh face.
I don't know why they chose me.
Oh, hey, you're perfect.
Yeah. Maybe when I just
hopped off the bus from Hanover,
but I've been in
Boston for five years.
It changes a guy.
Hardens him, gives
him a cynical edge.
Come on, you're still fresh.
Jeepers, you think?
Trust me.
Hey, Sam, would you come on down
to the sh**t with me
and keep telling me that?
Well, sure, Woody.
Yeah. Why not?
NORM: Hey, Wood, can I go?
Come on. I never saw
a commercial be sh*t
or anything like that.
Yeah! Yeah, me, neither.
You know, believe it or not,
it's one of the few things
I don't know much about.
I mean, if you guys all
come down there with me,
it's gonna look like
I'm some big snobby
star with an entourage.
All right. Well,
uh, heck with it.
We'll just stay here.
You tell us about it later.
No, I like the idea.
You guys can be
my people, all right?
Hey, hey. Yeah.
I got another idea.
We'll all stop at the mall.
We'll pick up satin jackets
and matching sunglasses.
There you go.
Come on.
(laughter)
That door's not just
gonna open itself.
Oh, I... I've got that!
(whooping)
(indistinct chatter)
(hammering)
So, Jill, it's great to meet
such a talented actress.
Is there anything I can
look forward to seeing you in,
like my shower?
(laughing): You're
really funny, Sam.
Did you ever think
of doing standup?
Well, there's
always a first time
for everything, I guess.
This is spectacular!
Yeah, magic of the
movies, huh, Normie?
No. The magic of
the doughnut table!
Look at these...
got your, uh, glazed,
you got your chocolate,
you got your buttermilk.
Hey, who sucked all the filling
out of this Bavarian creme?
Hey, you guys, guys, you
got something to write on here?
She just gave me her number.
Yeah. Yeah, I got one of
these, uh, trivia napkins.
Hey! My trivia
napkins! Yeah, yeah.
I've been carrying it around.
It's kind of a conversation
starter, you know?
Go ahead, ask me the question,
Sammy. All right, all right.
You guys and your
precious trivia napkins!
If you love them so much,
why don't you marry them?!
Oh, come on, man!
Lighten up, will you?
Oh! And by the way, Normie,
I'm the one who
sucked all the filling
out of the Bavarian creme!
(sucking)
Guys, I'm ready. How do I look?
Woody. All right.
You look great. Huh?
You got... you got, like,
junk all over your face, man.
Oh, pancake. Whoa.
Is there a steam table
around here I'm missing?
No, no, no. Pancake
is the makeup they use
in show business.
It's real thick and real heavy,
and it covers every flaw.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vera uses that for primer.
Talent on the set, please.
Oh, that's me. I got to go.
Oh, hey.
So this is Veggie-Boy!
Should I taste it first?
No, no, don't drink that.
We sprayed it with
high-gloss latex
so it'll look better
under the lights.
We do it with all the
food we're sh**ting.
Hey, there's supposed to be a
bowl of beer nuts around here.
Sammy, you got to get
these kind of nuts for the bar.
They slide right down.
It's great.
Woody, this is your close-up.
Jill is gonna feed you your cue.
Just look her right in the
camera and say, "I like it."
I like it.
Not now, Woody.
No. I mean I like
your direction.
It's very forceful,
very to the point.
Let's go.
Veggie-Boy bartender
close-up, take one.
(bell rings)
Rolling.
And... action.
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
I... (laughs)
DIRECTOR: Cut. (bell rings)
Mr. Peterson made a goofy face!
I did not.
It's my normal expression.
Stop it!
Woody, could we have your
friend wait out in the hallway?
I didn't do anything!
Oh, quit looking so goofy!
(Sam laughs)
(bell rings) Take two.
If you insist.
Action.
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
(laughing)
I'm sorry.
I'll go join my goofy friend.
What?
Oh, yeah, all
right, here you go.
Once again,
action.
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
I like it.
Cut! Print! That's it. Great!
(bell rings) Let's
get out of here.
Thanks for not being
funny, Mr. Clavin.
Woody, when is the
commercial gonna be on?
I've seen this
Quincy five times.
It's coming right up,
Carla, next break.
Some coroner.
Every week, he has
to dig up the body
to find something he
missed the first time.
(scoffs) Oh!
What a surprise!
He found a b*llet in the skull!
Oh, quiet, everybody.
It's on. All right.
Turn it up, Miss Howe.
MALE ANNOUNCER (on TV): new Veggie-Boy,
available in regular and chunky.
JILL (on TV): So, how is
this new drink, Veggie-Boy?
I like it.
SAM: Hey, hey!
(cheering and applause)
Hey! All right!
REBECCA: Wonderful
performance, Woody!
Woody, we always knew you
had it in you to be a corporate shill.
Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Crane.
Thanks all of you for
throwing me this great party.
But it isn't over yet, Woody.
I took the liberty of ordering
23 cases of Veggie-Boy.
We're the first ones in
town to have it, and Woody,
first taste goes to you.
Mmm.
Wow!
My first Veggie-Boy!
All right, yeah!
MALE ANNOUNCER: Veggie-Boy
is chock-full of all the vegetables...
Oh, it's disgusting!
REBECCA: Woody, shh, shh,
shh, shh! Look, you're
on channel seven!
I like it!
I don't like it! I hate it!
I like it.
Shut up, Woody! I like it!
You hate it! You're a
liar... A filthy, rotten liar!
I like it!
I like it! I like it!
WOODY: Somebody make him stop!!
I like it!
I like it!
I like it!
I can't believe I was
just on 14 channels,
saying I like this stuff
when I really hate it.
No, that's, uh, 15
channels, Woody.
Everybody always
forgets Lifetime.
Woody, wait a minute now.
It can't be that bad here.
Let's take a look
at the ingredients.
"Water, broccoli,
cauliflower and kale."
Well, maybe it just sounds
bad in black and white.
Kale was not a good idea.
Oh, Woody, Woody,
sh**t, I just forgot here.
This came for you.
Looks like something from
the commercial company.
Probably a paycheck.
Oh, I-I can't cash that.
I can't even open it.
That'd be like
paying me for lying.
My mother always
told me that lying
is the worst of the
seven deadly sins.
Wait, wait, wait, lying is
one of the seven deadly sins?
CLIFF: Yeah, of course
it is. You got, uh...
lust, greed, bashful...
That's the seven deadly dwarfs.
No, Woody, hold on a second.
Listen, sometimes
lying can be good.
I remember when I
was playing for the Sox.
One day there was
a rumor going around
that a backup catcher
was about to be cut.
Everybody knew
about it except him.
We found out on the exact
day that was his birthday.
He came up to me and he said,
"Sam is it true? Am I going
to be cut from the team?"
And I looked him right
in the eye and I said, "No.
Happy birthday."
And that guy went
off and had the best
birthday of his life.
And as it turns out,
the next day he wasn't even cut.
So it's better that
you lied to him.
Wow.
That's a great story, Sam.
You've given me
a lot to think about.
Thanks. Yeah, no, thank you.
Sam, is, uh... Yeah?
Is that stuff really true?
Well, most of it. Yeah.
It wasn't the
catcher, it was me.
And, uh, I was cut.
And the fellas didn't have
any problem telling me about it.
But it was my birthday.
Happy birthday, liar.
Hey, Woody, Woody...
Where's Woody?
He's in the poolroom
hating himself for lying.
Oh...
I thought he'd gotten over that.
Yeah, well, he's trying,
but somebody keeps
reminding him every five minutes.
Hey, Pinocchio!
It's 5:00, do you know where
your commercial's playing?
LILITH: Carla, that's just
a little bit sadistic, isn't it?
Yeah, but I like Woody.
SAM: Boy, he's
really taking it hard.
Yeah, poor kid.
I really feel sorry for him.
Hey, what do you say we, uh,
pass the time with, uh, one
of these trivia napkins here?
Oh!
So you're finally, uh, starting
to enjoy these jobbies, huh?
Yeah, I was acting like
a big baby there, Sam.
I know you guys like
me a lot more than
some cheap stack of paper.
Yeah, whatever.
Well, this is the most
boring napkin we've come across.
What's the question?
Well, who can tell?
It looks as though
it was homemade.
It looks like some
moron typed it
on some old manual typewriter.
How odd.
Read the question.
This is not a napkin.
It's a cry for help.
All right.
So I forged a napkin!
Can you blame me?
I've been sitting here for
the better part of the '80s,
trying to enliven the discussion
and broaden a few
horizons with the benefit
of my special brand of
my arcane knowledge,
and then these stupid
napkins come waltzing in.
And then I'm out.
Well...
I've had it.
It's time to make
a choice, fellas.
Me... or the napkins?
Or both. Maybe we can alternate.
We can do that., yeah.
A round of drinks
for my friends here!
All right. Yeah.
I'd like to see a
napkin do that, huh?
Excuse me, could I get
some service? Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry. What can I get you?
What do you recommend?
What's the difference?
You wouldn't believe me anyway.
I'm just an incorrigible liar
pumping a handcart to hell.
Woody, why are you
torturing yourself like this?
Because I deserve it.
I lied to America.
I lied to that all-important
18-to 35-year-old target group.
Woody, you only
feel that you're a liar
because you endorsed
a product you don't like.
But what if you could
actually learn to like it?
How am I gonna learn to like
broccoli, cauliflower and kale?
Well, Wood, some things you have
to sort of develop a
taste for slowly, you know?
All right, look, uh,
give me a beer, okay?
Now, we'll put a stalk of
broccoli in that beer, okay?
Now you drink the
beer and the beer taste
is gonna k*ll the
taste of the broccoli,
but slowly you'll
get used to it, okay?
Go ahead. We don't
have any broccoli.
Well, thanks for the beer.
You know, Woody,
the way Ma got me
used to a new vegetable
like, say, uh...
oh, brussels sprouts.
She used to put a few
in each of my pockets
and have me, uh, walk
around with them all day.
Well, thanks, Mr. Clavin,
but brussels sprouts
aren't the problem.
Well, you should try it anyway.
It's a nice feeling.
FRASIER: Woody.
Woody, you know, Sigmund Freud
might suggest that your
aversion to vegetables
stems from some
early childhood trauma.
(sputters)
You sputtered, my darling?
Honestly, Frasier,
you must be the last
psychiatrist on Earth
who hasn't abandoned
Sigmund Freud's theories.
What are you saying?
Merely that his
theories are outdated,
sexist superstitions
unsupported by a
shred of clinical evidence.
You're drunk.
My wife is completely
smashed, blotto.
Sam, no more boilermakers
for Dr. Sternin-Crane.
Frasier, I've had
nothing to drink.
Ah, the worst kind of drunk.
For your information,
Sigmund Freud
has a lot to teach us
about Woody's problem.
I daresay that if the
Master were with us today,
he would, after striking Lilith,
tell us that Woody is suffering
from a subconscious barrier,
easily removed by some
elemental Freudian analysis.
Well, isn't there
anything faster?
Oh, many things, but
nothing quite as lucrative.
But if you wish instant relief,
I suppose we
could try a little, uh,
well, posthypnotic suggestion.
(sputters)
Another wet objection, my love?
Hypnosis, Frasier?
Why only go back a
century for your treatment?
Why not bleed him with leeches?
Or drill a hole in his cranium
and let the evil
spirits leak out?
Ignore her, Woody.
It's the gin talking.
Or maybe the reason
he doesn't like vegetables
is because they remind
him of his mother.
Ooh!
Hey, hypnosis, huh?
That's cool, Doc.
Sam, hypnosis is
not a parlor game.
Although last week at a party,
I did get quite a few
laughs by hypnotizing Lilith
into removing her
shoes whenever anyone
mentioned brie cheese.
Frasier, you did no such thing.
Very funny. WOODY: I don't know
if hypnotism will work
on me, Dr. Crane.
I'm pretty strong-willed.
And what's she, brie cheese?
Stop that.
FRASIER: Woody!
Let's go into the office
and watch that watch.
LILITH: Oh, for
God's sake, Frasier.
First you espouse Sigmund Freud.
Now, you've moved
on to Dr. Mesmer.
This is not
professional conduct.
Point taken, my darling.
Oh, by the way,
is that a tambourine behind you?
A tambourine?
What an odd question.
You are in such trouble, mister.
You know, I was thinking.
What is kale, anyway?
Uh, you know, some
kind of a lettuce thing
they use in salad
bars, isn't it?
Oh. No.
No, uh, kale is
not a green, per se,
but more of a family of greens.
See, anything with
a pungent aroma
and a loose head can
properly be called "kale."
Get you another beer, kale?
I feel like I've been
asleep for a hundred years.
Did it work?
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
Sam, set us up.
Yeah, I got a couple left here.
(chuckles) Now watch, Lilith,
and all the rest
of you naysayers.
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
I like it. Yeah, right.
No, no, I really like it!
I love it!
Boy, you know, I'm
not a liar anymore.
NORM: All right! Mmm.
Oh, you can really
taste the kale.
You know what this means?
Now that I'm not a liar anymore,
I can take that
envelope and I can cash
that check at the
bank and I can just
spend it all on Veggie-Boy!
Whoo!
Hey, you really did a number
on him; look at him go there.
Woody is highly suggestible.
I had the mission
accomplished in five minutes.
You had him under for two hours.
What were you doing
the rest of the time?
Just snooping.
We'll, uh, we'll talk later.
Well, I don't understand this.
It's not a check,
it's a letter from
the ad agency.
Well, what's it say?
It says that
"due to lack of
consumer interest,
they're discontinuing
the product."
What does that mean?
I think it means they're not
going to make
Veggie-Boy anymore.
I guess nobody liked it.
How could they not like it?
It's broccoli,
cauliflower and kale!
Has America gone mad?
Wood, um, it's not
that great, okay?
Shut up, Mr. Peterson.
Don't talk bad about Veggie-Boy!
Nice work, Dr. Frankenstein.
They're stopped making
it, how am I gonna get it?
I need my Veggie-Boy.
This is all there is?
This isn't even gonna
last me through the night!
Woody, let's go
back in the office.
I know, I know. I
can take this to a lab
and have it analyzed.
I can make my own.
You know, I've got a blender.
SAM: Woody...
I'll move back to Indiana.
I'll grow kale! Woody,
watch the watch.
Get that watch out
of my face, old man.
I've got crops to plant!
Woody, you need my help!
I don't need your help!
All I need is three
tons of topsoil
and a big, yellow tractor!
"Tractor"?
♪ The sun'll come
out tomorrow... ♪
FRASIER: Lilith, lower your
damn skirt and watch the watch!