Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
What's going on there?
There appears to be a
man lying in the street.
Oh, my God, it's Woody! Woody.
Excuse us, excuse us.
Move back, please,
a doctor coming.
Are you all right?
Don't move me, don't move me!
REBECCA: Don't move him!
Somebody get help!
(horn honks)
WOODY: Straighten her out, Sam.
Thanks, Woods.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hey, Carla, you'll never
believe what I found
in the storage closet.
This great old foosball table.
(screams)
Yeah, I was pretty excited, too.
This foosball table is evil.
It's cursed.
What are you talking about?
One day, it mysteriously
appeared in the alley out back.
From the moment
we started to play it,
this place turned
from a nice local tavern
into a seething pit of
resentment and backstabbing.
Oh... so that's how it happened.
I'm telling you, things
got ugly around here.
One time,
the ball flew out and
hit Clavin in the eye
for no earthly reason.
(laughing): It was funny.
But it was spooky.
That's when I realized
that this
is an evil foosball table.
Well, why didn't
you get rid of it?
Well, we tried to throw it away,
but the trashman
who picked it up
slipped and fell
backward into traffic.
I'll never forget
his last words...
"What the...?"
Well, it's, it's not exactly
"The Telltale Heart," but...
it's a pretty good story.
Gee, Carla, I had no idea.
I'll put it right back.
Hey, Cliffie! Huh?
Check it out... the foos table.
Too late.
It has risen from
its resting place
to feed upon the
fat and middle-aged.
Uh, Sam.
Oh, hey, John, how very
nice to see you again.
You're lying, aren't you?
Yes, I am.
Mr. Hill, I just had lunch
up at your restaurant
and the risotto with bay
scallops and fennel...
Oh, I think it was
the most delicious
thing I've ever had to eat.
We'll name it for you.
Thank you.
Hey, come here.
I hate this guy.
What are you, what are
you kissing up to him for?
I'm not kissing up,
Sam, I like the food.
Sam, you don't
have to be jealous.
You are a very
handsome businessman,
and you own the
hottest spot in town.
Oh, oh, thank you very much.
That's kissing up.
Sam, I think we both
know why I'm here.
I bet you want the number
to my hairstylist. Don't you?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Now, that was cruel.
Sam, as we both know,
I own legal title to your poolroom
and both bathrooms. Hey,
why do you keep repeating that
every time you come down here?
You're driving me up the wall.
That's why.
Now where was I?
Oh, yes, as you know, I own
legal title to your poolroom
and both bathrooms,
and rent on said property is
past due since last Wednesday.
I hope you haven't
forgotten me, Sam.
Forgotten you?
John, I could never forget you.
You're in my bad
dreams every night.
You're the reason
why I'm in therapy
for the first time in my life.
Well, don't forget
to mention to your therapist
that I own legal title to y...
All right,
all right, all right, all right.
I'll write you
your stupid check.
Sam, I'm a little hurt.
If you felt the need
to see a therapist,
why didn't you come to me?
Oh...
Well, I... you know, I
was looking, sort of,
for a doctor that, you
know, didn't know me
so well,
who has, uh, blonde
hair and smoky eyes
and wears miniskirts and
crosses her legs all the time.
Oh.
Connie Forsythe, a fine doctor.
Yeah.
(chuckles)
She'll straighten you out.
Oh, she did.
Here's my personal check.
You'll notice that
I made it out to
John "You Stink" Hill.
Sam, this is not up to
your usual standards.
(blows raspberry)
Now it is.
Man, I can never get the guy.
I hate him. Just once I
would like to do something
that gets under his skin.
Sam, forget him,
he's gone. No, he's
not gone, there's
no escaping the guy.
I mean, I-I walk
down my own hallway
and I know that I'm on his turf.
I can't even go to the damn
bathroom without getting mad.
Oh, you, too, Sammy?
You know something?
I'm out of here.
I'm gonna go see Dr. Forsythe.
I got to get this
out of my system.
You're going to
talk to her about it?
No, I'm gonna get it
out of my system. Talk?
Excuse me.
Are you Mr. Malone? Yeah.
Well, there seems to be
a problem with this check.
Oh, what? I just
made a joke name up.
Big deal.
All he has to do is
make sure he endorses it
John "I Stink" Hill.
(laughs)
No, Mr. Malone, you
made it out for too much.
You added an extra zero.
Wow.
Oh, well, thank
you very much, it's...
I'm kind of surprised
someone as nice as you
works for that
bald-headed jackass.
Oh, I don't work for him.
I'm the bald-headed
jackass' daughter,
Valerie "You Stink" Hill.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I never intended
for anyone to see that
except John.
And all the people at the bank.
Well, yeah.
I'll write you another check.
Valerie, what are
you doing down here?
I asked you never
to come down here.
I just wanted to get the
right amount on the check.
Well, I was perfectly pleased
with the amount as written.
Besides, I don't
want you associating
with the element
that hangs around
in this bar. Wipe your hands.
Thank you.
Sam, I heard you say you wanted
to get under Mr. Hill's skin.
Yeah.
Well, I got a way,
but... I think it's impossible.
You're thinking that maybe
I should date his daughter?
(laughs)
Great idea!
No, no, no, if you really want
to get under Mr. Hill's skin,
the best way is we shrink
you down to microscopic size
and then we put you in a syringe
and we inject you
right into his arm.
But I still say it's impossible.
Oh, I love this.
This is a great idea.
Oh, great.
Now I got Sam
trying to contradict
the immutable laws of science.
When am I going to learn
to keep my mouth shut?
(elegant music plays)
You know, Sam, I have to
confess I've never really been out
with a guy like you before.
I'm afraid I don't
even know how to act.
Ah, well, it's really easy.
Shimmy over here
a little bit, will you?
There you go.
Now... first off,
just, you know,
adjust your, uh,
outfit a little bit there.
Very good.
Laugh like hell
at everything I say
and, oh, yeah, put
your hand in my lap.
(laughs)
(chuckling): No,
th-that was not a joke.
Sam, I really feel like I
don't know what to say to you.
Well, it doesn't really
matter, sweetheart,
it's just...
All you got to do is
make sure you whisper it
right here, right in my neck.
Yeah, there you
go. Oh, hi, John!
(laughs)
Boy, I didn't expect
to see you here tonight.
Sam, I see you've made
friends with my daughter.
Oh, yes, we're very
good friends by now, John.
I've discovered how her
eyes dance in the light,
how neat her hair smells,
how soft her skin feels.
Modesty prevents
me from going on.
Fine, I'll send
the wine steward over.
Sam, I liked what you
said about my eyes,
but you know I'm
wearing contacts.
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
I saw them swimming
around in there earlier.
Here, here, o-open up.
Hey, John, look at this.
Your daughter and I
are sharing food together.
I hope I'm not interrupting,
but has anybody told you
about the specials for tonight?
Oh, it doesn't really matter,
John. We're just gonna have
a ton of raw oysters and then
dash out of here all out of breath.
The oysters are delicious.
What the hell kind
of father is he?
Here I am, smelling
your hair, talking oysters.
I mean, I could be the
biggest creep in the world.
I could be taking you out
for all the wrong reasons.
Are you, Sam? No, of course not.
Here, jump in my lap.
There you go.
Sam, I'm not sure
I feel comfortable
sitting in your lap like this.
Hmm? Oh. How's that?
Oh, I like that.
Uh, Sam, I wonder if I could
speak with you for a moment?
Well, sure, John.
Will you excuse me
for a minute, Valerie?
Oh, do I have to move?
Usually, but, uh, we'll
talk about that later.
Yes, John?
Sam, I was thinking if you're
considering dessert,
I'd like to recommend
the Grand Marnier
soufflé for two.
It's quite elegant.
The only thing is,
you have to order it
at least a half an hour ahead...
Oh, please, don't take
her away from me, Sam.
She's the only
daughter I've ever had.
Please, Sam, please.
Oh, John, I-I was just
taking her out to annoy you.
I had no idea it would
cause such genuine pain.
I'll give you anything
you want, Sam.
You want your poolroom
and both bathrooms
rent-free, fine.
Just promise me you'll
never see Valerie again.
Oh, John, what kind of
guy do you think I am?
I mean, how can I go along
with a sleazy arrangement
like that? Oh, boy, oh, boy.
I'll give you my parking
space for your Corvette.
Deal.
I'm telling you guys,
it was beautiful.
Yeah?
I now have my poolroom
and my bathrooms rent-free,
but better yet, I
had the guy in tears.
Look at that... I
got some of them
right there on the napkin.
Very nice. Now, what are you
gonna do about the
date with the girl?
What?
Oh, thank you, ooh.
(laughing): I forgot.
Sam,
I finished all the oysters
and I'm feeling kind of funny.
What do you want to do now?
Actually, Val, I'm
kind of busy here.
Uh, a problem's just come up.
Uh, something
with the kegs here.
The kegs are leaking.
What?!
He's feeding her a line, stupid.
Well, you don't joke about
that kind of thing, ever.
VALERIE: Well...
maybe when you're through here
we can go for a drive.
Oh, I don't know.
Uh, these kegs are a
never-ending problem.
I'm thinking of getting
rid of them, actually.
Hey, I don't find this
kind of thing funny.
Okay, maybe it's me.
Well, maybe we can
do it another time.
Uh... I don't, I don't think so.
I-I don't think things
are working out, Valerie.
All right.
Was it something I did?
Oh, no, no-no, no, no.
Uh, you know, some things
work out, some things don't.
This is one of those
that just didn't work out.
Oh. Okay.
Well, bye.
Bye.
(snaps fingers)
I tell you, man, this is the
best deal I've ever scammed.
I get my poolroom
and my bathrooms
rent-free, and all I had to do
was throw a little fish
back I didn't want anyway.
CLIFF: Yeah, way to go, Sammy.
You want to, uh, go
sh**t some stick
in your poolroom?
No, I don't think so.
Well, how'd you like to
wash your hands, Sam,
in your bathroom?
No, no.
What do you want Sam?
I want that little fish back.
Yes! Oh, we're tied!
We're tied! (shouting)
Carla, give us the ball.
No, this is an evil game
and it brings a curse
on anyone who plays it.
I'm just trying to
save you guys.
Oh, come on, Carla.
It's just a harmless
foosball game.
We're just having fun.
So look, here, you drop the ball
so I can tear the heads
off these pasty-faced geeks
and drink their warm, red blood!
Did my head just turn
completely around?
Or was that just
a trick of the light?
I can't believe I traded
her for bathrooms.
Sam, give me a break.
The only reason you're
interested in that girl
is because you can't have her.
It was the same thing with me.
You wanted her, too, Miss Howe?
Boy, I've been in this
city one month too long.
No, no...
Woody...
he wanted me because
he couldn't have me.
You know, Sam,
if I told you right now
you could have me,
I bet you wouldn't
even be interested.
Maybe, but I'd,
uh, still perform
'cause I'm a professional.
So, uh, Sammy.
What is it now? What
are you gonna do?
I'm gonna see her
again. FRASIER: Sam,
if you do that, you may
end up having to pay rent
again on the poolroom
and on the bathrooms.
Why is that?
Well, if you take an action,
you'll have to face
the consequences.
No, I don't. I'm Sammy.
Where have you
been all these years?
Oh, right.
I forgot, you're
Nietzsche's Superman.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
Is that the one with
the craggy face,
uh, looks like granite?
No. No-no, that's,
uh, Bizarro Superman.
Oh, wait, which one was
weakened by red Kryptonite?
Blue Superman.
I thought he was black
and he wore the big hats.
No, that's Super Fly.
Woody, come over here, man.
I want you to run a
note up to Valerie for me.
"I'm sorry for everything.
"Would you please go
away with me this weekend?
I can't stop thinking
of you. Sam."
Take it upstairs.
Just make sure her father
doesn't get this, all right?
No sweat, Sam.
You know, back in Hanover,
I was the official
town go-between.
Anytime anybody needed
a love note delivered,
they'd call on Woody Boyd.
It got to where all I had
to do was knock on a door,
my butt was
filled with birdshot.
All right, I got the ball.
All right. Foos 'em if
you got 'em, come on.
Let's go! Fools!
Nonbelievers!
Can't you see what this
evil machine has done?
Look, you're trapped!
You're spending every
minute of every day in this bar.
We always do that.
Yeah, but now you're
doing it standing up.
NORM: Ooh,
that is kind of eerie.
FRASIER: Oh, Carla!
This machine does not
have a demonic capacity!
Even if it did, what
could it do to you?
It's got a tiny little ball.
It's got these-these
little plastic men.
Or do you suppose that if
you, you stick your hand here
into the goal,
it'll bite it off? Ow!
(screams)
(men laughing)
See?
I'm just playing on
your superstitions.
Hey. Hey, my hand's caught.
(Norm and Cliff laugh)
No, no, it's really caught.
I know, that's why
we're laughing.
Oh, good, Woody, did
you deliver the note there?
Uh, yeah. Well, I-I
couldn't find Miss Hill,
so I waited around
a while and ended up
leaving it with
Reuben, the busboy.
Oh, good, thanks, man.
Yeah, he's-he's really
looking forward to the weekend.
He wants to know
what he should wear.
Woody, Woody,
didn't you tell Reuben
that the note was for Valerie?
Oh, Sam, I didn't
have the heart.
He was so happy.
He was walking on air.
Sam, this isn't fair.
It's one thing to
string me along,
but our busboy, Reuben,
is in a very vulnerable state.
He just split up
with the pastry chef.
No, Valerie! Wait!
Val, wait!
That note wasn't for Reuben.
That note was for you.
I don't understand.
You just brushed me off.
Oh, no, no, that was...
I just had a problem
with the kegs there.
Did that seem like
a brush-off to you?
I'm sorry. See, I wouldn't know.
I've never brushed
anyone off before.
(scoffs)
Listen, I-I really
like you a lot,
and I'd like to see you again.
You know, maybe we could
go up to the Cape for a weekend.
What do you say? I hear
it's really nice up there.
I wouldn't know. I've
never been there myself.
(scoffs)
What do you say?
Gee, it sounds like fun.
Good. All right,
uh, just make sure
you don't tell your
father, all right?
Good idea.
You know, you
may not believe this,
but I get the feeling he'd
rather I didn't see you.
Oh, well, that's not the
problem, really. It's just that
I don't like to do my
romantic stuff in public.
I don't know, you
seemed so forward.
You had me sitting on
your lap and everything.
I'm sorry. Did that
seem forward?
I wouldn't know. I've never
done anything like that before.
(scoffs) (scoffs) (scoffs)
What's wrong with them?
Oh, uh, well, the
blonde has bad sinuses.
The rest of them just
have bad attitudes!
I feel so stupid.
I can't believe my hand
is stuck in this stupid hole.
Breathe easy, Doc.
I brought an expert to help you.
Great!
CARLA: Okay, Father.
Get out your holy water
and cast Satan from
that foosball machine.
Carla, I didn't come
to perform an exorcism.
I came because you told
me that-that you had a friend
who was thinking of converting.
Oh, he will, Father.
Go with me on this one, Fras.
But first, you have to exorcise
this foosball table.
Carla, it may
surprise you to learn
that since Vatican Two,
the church does not accept
the existence of
Satanically-possessed
amusement machines.
First you dump
Latin, and now this.
What do we pay you
guys for, anyway?
Well, I know
exactly what to do.
You relax and put
your faith in me.
You do trust me, don't you?
Absolutely, Father.
Good!
(screams)
(moans)
My thumb!
Offer the pain up to God
for the poor souls, my son.
What?!
I think you just
lost one, Father.
Boy, it was hard
sneaking out of there,
but I don't think he saw me.
Good. So you're sure, now,
your father doesn't know?
Oh, Dad stepped out.
I meant Reuben the busboy.
He's still in tears.
You know, I really
feel bad about that.
Maybe I should
send him something.
Why don't we just get up
to the car here, all right?
Sam, I'd like to freshen
up before we leave.
Oh, well, all right. I'll
meet you up at the car.
Uh, Sam. Yeah?
I like the way your
hair smells, too.
Oh, thank you.
She's really nice,
isn't she, Woody?
Oh, she's really nice.
And sweet and
warm and wonderful.
Yeah? Yeah.
Back in Hanover,
me and my brother
used to have a name
for a girl like that.
Yeah, what's that?
Mom.
By the way, Sam,
if I ever catch you
anywhere near my
mother, you'd better pray
that God takes you before I do.
Oh, Sam.
I've written up a new
agreement stating
that since you've agreed to
never see my daughter again,
you now have full
use of the poolroom...
That's funny,
that looks just like
my daughter's suitcase.
No, that's mine.
You know what they
say at the airport:
"Many bags do look alike."
Isn't that her monogram: V.H.?
Uh, actually I think it used
to belong to Van Halen.
Sam, indulge me.
You're telling me
this is your suitcase,
so by extension, would
this be your negligee?
All right, the secret's out.
I'm a tr*nsv*stite, John.
And a size seven?
A guy can dream, can't he?
Sam, you are not a tr*nsv*stite.
Hey, hey, those are
fighting words there...
Daddy?
Daddy, you may as
well know the truth.
I'm going away with Sam
to the Cape for the weekend.
I see.
Well, since there's
nothing I can do about it,
I'll give you my blessing.
Really?
Darling, I have
complete faith in you.
If this is the man you want,
that's good enough for me.
Wait, all right, wait.
I see what you're doing here.
Yeah, y-you think... you think
that I just wanted to go out
with your daughter 'cause
you said that I couldn't.
And now that you say it's okay,
you're hoping
that I won't want to.
Well, that won't work,
because I really like her.
So forget it. Come on, Valerie.
Let's go.
Gee, I don't know, Sam.
Why? What?
Well, it seemed really exciting
when Daddy didn't
want me to date you.
But now, I don't know.
It just seems like I'd be
dating some greasy bartender.
Excuse me?
Well...
Really, you're not
exactly my type.
Oh, hey, don't you
see what he's doing?
Please, Sam.
Let's not prolong this.
The smell of your hair
is making me queasy.
Well, Sam,
since you've broken
the agreement,
it seems that once again I have
legal title to your poolroom
and your bathrooms.
I'll be expecting the rent
promptly at the
first of every month.
Oh, by the way,
I'm doubling the amount.
Have a good evening.
Oh, he's so bad!
I hate him!
I hate his whole family!
I hate everybody
he's ever talked to!
Well, you know, I may not be
able to take his daughter out,
and I may have to
pay him his stupid rent,
but I can still hit
him where it hurts.
Yeah, you know something?
This is the busiest time
in his restaurant, right?
Watch this.
Hey, Reuben, get your coat!
We're going dancing!