Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Sam.
Sorry, they were out of beer
nuts and pretzels at the store,
but guess what I got?
Choco Puffs.
Hey-hey. Hey, all right.
Haven't had these
since I was a kid.
CLIFF: Hey, look at this.
Uh, "90% real sugar,
ten percent animal fat."
God bless America, huh?
I always liked eating
mine straight from the box.
They still have
prizes in these things?
Boy, I hope so.
I remember when I was a kid,
I got one of those lick-
and-stick tattoo books.
Never wore them though.
Felt pretty silly, huh?
No, I'm just waiting
for a special occasion.
Yep, I got a prize.
Me, too. Dumb BB game.
Yeah, I got one of
those cheap plastic rings.
Oh, great, another tattoo book.
(coughs)
Let's see what Cliffie got.
(coughs)
Hey, Cliffie got skunked.
(laughing)
(coughing, whistling)
(coughing, whistling)
Oh, Mr. Clavin got the whistle.
(coughing, whistling)
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
How's your throat
doing there, Cliffie?
It's still a little sore, Sam.
Oh, well,
here's something we
used to do in my family.
Ah! Ah!
You did that for sore throats?
No.
Sam...
What...?
My hatcheck girl is
missing from her post.
You haven't perchance seen her?
What's that supposed to mean?
Every time something goes wrong
in your restaurant
it's my fault?
Like I'm the one who's
supposed to keep track
of all your employees?
You know, that
really ticks me off.
Sam, I can't get the
sofa bed to fold back up.
Miss Kenderson.
For the three weeks
you've been in my employ
as a hatcheck girl, you've spent
most of your time downstairs.
Today, as luck would have it,
we actually had a
customer with a hat.
And where were you?
Taking a break.
It wasn't your break time.
It was mine.
Miss Kenderson,
you're terminated.
Get your things and clear out.
Fine.
Sam, in the future,
I'd appreciate you
keeping your hands
off my hatcheck girls.
You know, it's your
own stupid fault.
I mean, I wouldn't
touch your hatcheck girls
if you'd hire some waitresses.
Hello, all.
Happy birthday, Dr. Crane.
Why, thank you, Woody.
How did you know?
Well, you left your
wallet here last night,
so I was looking through
it to find out whose it was.
Are you really gonna
donate your internal organs
in case of accident?
They take them before
you die, you know.
Yeah, my uncle was
just in a fender bender.
They chased him half
way down the block.
Well, thank you for
sharing that with me
on my, uh, special day.
So, you got some
big plans, here?
Oh, nothing much.
I've never been one of those
who tend to make a big brouhaha.
As my mother
always used to tell me,
"Don't get excited.
It's just another
day of the year."
You're kidding me, you never
had parties when you were a kid?
Friends over? Cakes? Ice cream?
No.
Well, once I had a... a bran
muffin with a pat of oleo.
Hey, you know something,
hey, I got an idea.
Let's throw Frasier
a party here, huh?
You know, the bash that he
never had, what do you say?
Yeah. Great idea. (all agreeing)
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Another layer for
the winter, Wood.
CLIFF: Hey, Norm, did you hear?
We're gonna have a big,
uh, birthday bash there
for Doc Fras. Yeah, great.
Hey, it'll be exciting,
Mr. Peterson.
We're gonna have
cake and ice cream.
Yeah, we can go crazy and
order from Pizza-Pizza-Pizza-Pizza.
Oh, what do they serve there?
Pizza, you dweeb.
You don't have
to bite my head off.
I've never been there before.
I don't know, guys.
I'm just not in the
mood for a party.
I got some bad news. What?
Vera lost her job.
(all groaning)
CLIFF: Her, too, huh?
Boy, this recession
is hitting everybody.
Well, they should
have gone for the gold
and gotten the security
of a government job.
Yeah, I'll tell you,
I could spit on that mail
and chuck it down the sewer,
and they couldn't fire me.
How do you know
that, Mr. Clavin?
I-I don't.
How about those Celtics, huh?
It's too bad, man, about
Vera losing her job.
NORM: Yeah.
We have, like, no
money coming in at all.
If something doesn't happen
soon, I may have to find a job.
You gonna work, Norm?
I mean for Vera.
"You gonna work, Norm?"
Hi, guys.
Oh, Rebecca, there you are.
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
What are you talking about?
You're just sitting
there on your bar stool.
I know. This is
where I look from.
So what do you need, Norm?
Well, it's Vera.
She was, uh, laid off
down at the travel agency.
Oh, so you want me to see if I
can use my corporate connections
to get her another job?
No.
You want me to help her out
with some professional resume?
Well, no.
What do you want, Norm?
Well, you see,
Vera ripped off a bunch of
these frequent flyer vouchers.
And I was wondering if I could
trade them in for free beers.
(scoffs)
What? What?
Okay, somebody's got
to go get all this stuff.
I want ice cream,
balloons, decorations...
I nominate Frasier.
I second. All in favor.
ALL: Aye!
You guys are the greatest.
Let the party begin.
The birthday boy is here,
and I've got the balloons.
CARLA: Hey,
congratulations, Frasier,
on a job well done.
Well, thank you very much.
I'll, uh, be right back, Sam.
Ah... I love birthdays.
PETE: Hey.
Isn't that that French guy
who's trying to steal
Woody's girlfriend?
Ah, yeah, what a slimebag.
Yeah, the man's got
the morals of a snake.
I can believe he'd
show his face in here.
Hello, fellows.
Hey. Hey, Henri,
how're you doing?
HENRI: Ah, Woody.
Let's hurry and
take your picture.
I have plans, huh?
Oh, yeah, I know.
You want to steal my girlfriend.
No. I could never take
Kelly away from you.
Why, just this morning,
Kelly was telling me
how much she loves you.
Really? Yes.
It got so annoying, I almost
had to kick her out of the shower.
Is that a joke?
Ah! But of course.
(laughing)
Are you ready?
Yeah, I-I just shaved.
How's my face look?
Mm, as smooth as your
girlfriend Kelly's bottom.
Is that a joke?
(laughing): But of course it is.
You have to shave much closer.
(laughing)
Where is this, uh, this, uh,
American sense of humor
I've heard so much about?
Uh, bring me a soda
and pay for it, Woody.
Woody,
you don't even like this man.
He's been bothering
you ever since
he followed your
girlfriend back from Paris.
And now you're paying
him to photograph you?
Well, he just borrows
money from me anyway.
This way I don't have to worry
about him paying me back.
It's good you worked
that out, Woody.
Yeah, besides, this is the first
formal picture I've had taken
since my high school yearbook.
I hated that one.
Darned cowlick.
Oh, yeah, when your
hair all stands up like that?
Uh-uh.
Sam?
A thought occurs.
Mmm?
I always have such
trouble trying to figure out
what to get Frasier for
his birthday. Mm-hmm.
Do you think perhaps he'd
like a photograph of me?
Why?
I mean...
Of course he would.
Why would any man not
want a picture of his wife?
I agree.
A picture of you is
what every man wants.
May I have the
honor of taking it?
Well, perhaps.
But I must warn you.
I've had bad luck
with photographers.
It seems they always
overexpose the film,
and I come out looking
white as a ghost.
Oh.
I could put roses
in your cheeks.
And then afterward, maybe
I could photograph you.
Why don't you come this way?
Uh, what do you think you
would like to be wearing?
Uh... an evening gown?
A black lace teddy?
My strong male hands?
I wasn't thinking
of anything like that.
Oh, come on, Lil, loosen up.
Let him snap you
in some lingerie.
Guys love dirty
pictures of their babes.
Hey, Nick always
used to take them of me
until one time I smashed his
camera and broke his nose.
Oh, you got in a fight, huh?
No, fell off the monkey bars.
Thank you, Carla.
Uh, I was thinking more
of a photograph of me
he could put in his
office. Mm-hmm.
A nice formal portrait.
Ah, with just a hint of
smoldering sensuality
dancing behind your eyes.
Well, that goes without saying.
Well, uh, let's just take
a few test sh*ts, uh?
Just to, uh, loosen you up
before we go back to the studio?
Okay.
Hey, I thought you were
here to take my picture.
And I thought I ordered a soda.
You got a point there.
Okay, okay.
Good. Serious.
Happy. Seductive.
Angry. Playful.
Have you ever
modeled professionally?
Goodness no.
Oh, I know you're lying.
Come, let's go
back to the studio.
Tres bien.
Como?
You said, "Let's go
back to the studio,"
and I said, "Tres bien."
No, I'm sorry, I
don't understand this.
Tres bien.
Ah, oh, "Tres bien"!
I see I'm going to
have to teach you
the French tongue.
Hey, Henri, I have your soda.
Henri?
Woody, he left.
Well, all right, then
I'll just drink his soda.
No, I can't do that.
That would be wrong.
Hi, guys.
Rebecca!
How did it go with Vera?
It went great. I just love her.
And guess what?
I think I landed her
a pretty good job.
You're joking. No, no,
I still have the touch.
I helped her with her
resume. Where is she working?
Then I got her prepped for the
interview. Where's she working?
I even loaned
her my lucky scarf.
Yeah, but where is she working?
VERA: Norm!
Vera!
What are you doing up there?
VERA: Check your hat, Mister?
(screaming)
I'll, uh, I'll be right back.
Hey, Norm, we need you.
Pete just hit a bull's-eye
and doubled off.
You're our last hope.
Norm?
Norm?
She's up there.
What?
Listen.
(steps thudding
above) You hear that?
Hear what?
Vera.
She's crossing over
to the coffee machine.
No, wait, they could
be moving the piano.
Nah, it's her.
Come on, man. I know that walk.
You can't hear her
all the way up there.
I wish I couldn't,
Sam, believe me,
but that walk is
b*rned into my brain.
I've heard it in snow boots.
I've heard it in flip-flops.
I've heard it in bare feet.
Click-click,
click-click, click-click.
Let the birthday fun begin, Sam!
The balloons have
entered the building.
Say, where are the guys?
They're in the poolroom.
Oh, jeez, I'm
missing all the fun
at my own birthday party.
Hey, wait up guys!
Hey, be careful back there.
The dart tournament started.
(balloons popping)
I hate this bar.
Norm, Vera's doing
a really good job up there.
She is just terrific!
And funny! Listen to this.
How many fat guys does it
take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know.
You can't get a fat guy
to change a lightbulb.
You can't even get
him to come home
on Christmas Eve.
(laughing hysterically)
Oh, she was telling
some real cute stories
about you, too, Norm.
Hey, why didn't you ever tell us
that your real first
name was Hilary?
Oh, who cares about that?
Hey, guys!
Norm's real first
name is Hilary!
(laughing) Hey, wait a minute.
Isn't that a girl's name?
Hilary was my grandfather's name
and he once k*lled a
man who laughed at him.
What, he just up
and k*lled somebody
for laughing at his name?
Not exactly. He was a surgeon.
He sort of botched an operation.
Norm, you don't
have to be defensive.
I think Hilary's a
very masculine name.
In fact,
I think you ought to have it
monogrammed on your purse.
Let the party begin!
All right!
You got the balloons, huh?
Well, actually, no.
They were out of balloons.
Fortunately, a colleague
of mine was kind enough
to give me a box
of surgical gloves.
If you can't have a
good time with four dozen
rubber inflated hands,
you're just not trying.
Frasier, I've been
waiting for you.
Happy Birthday.
Well, darling, for me?
Now, Frasier,
you know that in the past
some of my birthday
presents to you
have been a little dull.
So, this year, I
decided to try something
a little more adventurous.
I thought to myself,
"What would my husband think
of a provocative photograph
of his demure wife
stretched out languidly
on a bearskin rug?"
ALL: Whoo-hoo!
Lilith, surely you're joking.
I am not.
(bar patrons whistle and howl)
Whoo!
Well, you're right.
That certainly
is a bearskin rug.
And that is definitely you.
Oh, how erotic.
I guess we'll have
to keep the negatives.
We'd hate to have them
falling into the hands
of Fully Dressed
Woman's Monthly.
Frasier, you're forgetting
what a cheeky monkey I can be.
It's a gag gift.
If you wanted us to gag,
you should have taken a nudie.
Well, you're right, darling.
And it's hilarious.
I'll be sure to put this
right up in my workshop.
You don't have a workshop.
Then I'll put it in the closet.
By the way...
here are the rest
of the photographs
from the session.
Why, Lilith, these are...
You, you're practically...
You're only wearing a...
Oh, baby, baby!
Happy birthday, Frasier.
Would you like to go
home and get a better look
at those? I sure would.
Oh, uh, you can come, too.
Well, that's it.
I'm out of here.
"Out of here"?
Norm, it's 9:30.
It's not closing time.
NORM: I know.
I'm still leaving.
Oh, well, I'll drive
you, then, okay?
No-no-no, I don't need a ride.
I didn't even have any beers.
I hope you're happy, woman.
Look, guys, uh...
I can't keep
hanging around here.
Knowing that
she's up there just...
spoils the whole thing for me.
I'll have to find
another bar, I guess.
I don't believe this!
You're just gonna up
and walk out of here?
Oh, I'm gonna say something that
I thought I'd never say, but...
dibs on the first stool!
Hey, come on!
Listen, Cheers wouldn't
be Cheers without you.
You're the reason
why people come here.
Oh, what people?
Well, the delivery man, for one.
(Norm screams)
She's up there.
She's everywhere.
Is she like multiplying?
Vera? (Vera crying)
Are you okay?
Norm...
Rebecca, have I thanked you
for sending me the
new hatcheck girl?
No, John, you haven't.
Well, here's why.
She was worse
than the last one
and I fired her.
Hey, do you want to tell
me why you fired Vera?
Who are you? I'm
her husband, Norm.
Oh, yes.
I didn't recognize
you without a bar
growing out of your chest.
Well, I fired her
because she wasn't
paying attention to her work.
What are you talking about?
She's a very
conscientious worker.
How would you describe a
woman who spends all her time
on her hands and knees looking
through a knothole in the floor?
I knew it!
Yep, there it is!
There it is!
My good man, you
have my sympathy.
To be married to her
must be quite an ordeal.
Hey, take that back!
What? Take that back!
You're talking about
the woman I love!
I want you to take that
back before I turn you
into a pretzel!
Well, that's a shape I'm
sure you're familiar with.
I am not kidding!
All right, all right.
I take it back. I apologize.
All right.
Now just go on back upstairs
before I pound you
into a... a beer nut!
Well, thank you. I'm
tiring of the theme.
Wow! Norm, that was sweet.
You stood up for your
wife. Shh, shh, shh.
No, no, no, don't
be embarrassed.
Everyone didn't
see that, did they?
We saw it.
I took a picture.
Norm, so what if they did?
You're right.
Listen, I joke
around a lot, but...
she's all I've got.
I don't know what
I'd do without her.
I love her.
That's sweet.
You know, she's,
she's still up in
the stairwell crying.
Oh, I know. She'll, she'll
go away after a while.
Yeah, there she goes.
You gotta love her!