Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
What are you doing, Cliff? What?
Well, I'm, uh, leaving
a tip there for Carla.
Yeah?
Yeah, one of the
oldest bar tricks
in the book there, Normie.
Look, you see I filled
the glass with water.
I'm gonna invert it on
top of this dollar bill.
Put it on the bar, right?
Looks... Looks, uh,
empty now, doesn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Well, watch what happens
when she comes to get her tip.
Fasten your seat belts
and wait for the fun to begin.
Oh.
Thanks for the tip, Cliff.
Uh, joke's still on her.
She's the one that's got
to mop up all this mess.
(laughs)
Thank you, Carla.
Your apology's accepted.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hey, guys.
Hey, Wood. Hi, Wood.
Mom finally sent out
Grandma Meg's pressure cooker,
so last night I whipped
up a batch of chili.
Oh. Do you want to try some?
Yeah. Sure.
It's from an old family recipe.
Oh, your grandma's?
Nah, this old family
that lived down the road.
Mmm!
Woody, this is excellent!
Mmm! Mmm!
Normie, what do you think?
(belches)
He likes it!
Normie likes it!
Woody, I'm sorry. It seems
we've eaten all your chili.
I still got plenty left
in the thermos. Great.
I didn't have breakfast
today, all right?
(door opening)
Quick, Normie, turn on
the Weather Channel.
You know, I wonder
if that sentence has
ever been spoken before.
(female voice on TV)
Oh, yeah, there she is.
Who?
Weathergirl
Dorothy, my favorite.
Isn't she dreamy?
Cliff, everybody
looks sort of dreamy
when they have giant
clouds floating behind them.
No, no. Listen, listen.
She's got the cutest
little lateral lisp.
Oh, I always get a giggle
when she tries to pronounce...
(lisping): stratocumulus.
So you, uh... you
watch this a lot, do you?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
You get, uh, kind
of a fatherly feeling
about these, uh, weather
anchors after a while.
Yeah, well, besides,
it's on all night.
You're a very lonely
man, aren't you, Cliff?
Not as long as I got
my Weather Channel.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Sammy's back!
(all shouting greetings)
Hey, how was your weekend
up in the mountains
with Natalie?
It was so great.
Nothin' like shushing down
those fine white slopes.
NORM: Yeah.
Oh, you went skiing, huh?
No, no, no.
You're a dog!
Oh!
Goodie. Sam, you're back.
Hey, that's what Natalie said.
No, actually,
actually, she said,
"Oh, goodie, Sam, your front."
(laughter)
I have a very, very
special surprise for you,
so just close your
eyes and come with me.
This is deja vu of
the whole weekend.
FRASIER: Oh!
Okay, you can open your eyes.
(chuckling): Okay.
Well?
I can't tell you
how much better
Natalie's surprise was.
What, you don't like it?
Well, it... It's-It's just...
Boy.
I mean, it's-it's really...
Boy.
No, that's... that's not...
That's not the right word.
It's not boy at all.
It's, um... It's...
It's a tearoom.
Thanks for not making me guess.
Well, so what-what do you think?
Well, you want my, uh,
honest first impression?
My gut reaction?
Yes, I do.
I hate it. I hate it.
I hate it!
Now how could you
do this without asking me first?
Without asking you first?
Wait a minute! I happen to
have paid $25,000 to John Hill
to get this poolroom back.
If it hadn't been for me,
you wouldn't even
have this poolroom!
I don't have a poolroom.
I have a tearoom.
Ish!
Oh, oh, oh.
Look what you made me do.
You made me say "ish."
(scoffs)
What's that on the floor?
It's a throw rug.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Look at that. It works.
Wait.
This wouldn't happen to
be a throw table, would it?
No. Sam, wait!
You know, if you're
gonna take my money,
I think my ideas deserve
a little bit more respect.
All right.
You're right. I'm
sorry. I'm sorry.
Uh, this just
came as a little bit
of a shock to me, that's all.
Tell you what, why don't I,
uh, just, uh, go outside here
and come back
in and start fresh?
That would be good,
Sam. Thank you.
I hate it. Hate it. I hate it!
Ish!
I'm putting that room
back the way it was!
As soon as I find my pool table.
CLIFF: Three
ball, corner pocket.
Thanks, Sam.
A little too much
English on that.
REBECCA: Sam,
please, now I know... I
know I sprung this on you, but
please give it a chance.
I think it could work.
My marketing survey showed
that this neighborhood was
in need of something like this.
People want to go to a place
where they can just relax.
You know, a nice,
quiet, pretty little place
where they can
just sit and talk.
(belches)
Good one.
Honey, you're crazy. I-I
have people coming in here
just to sh**t stick. I mean, I
bet that poolroom makes me
an extra hundred
bucks a night. Yeah, well,
I bet with my tearoom, I
could make 500 bucks tonight.
500 bucks in one night? Yes.
What else are you
selling back there?
Sam, it's my grand opening.
I've been promoting
all over town.
You make 500 bucks in one
night, and-and that tearoom is yours.
It's a bet.
Okay, it's a bet. (chuckles)
But I want you to know
there's no losers here
because I'm gonna share
half the profit with you.
Oh ho! Ooh!
Half the profits of a tearoom!
Oh!
Oh, boy, why didn't
you say so before?
Let's figure this out here.
All right, let's see. We'll, uh,
start with your profits.
That'd be... ooh!
Wait, wait, wait.
Now I get half of this.
(muttering): Let me. Hmm...
Ooh, another... ooh!
Fellas, fellas, look.
I get a great big zero,
and I don't have
to lift a finger!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I can retire! Ooh!
God, he's a butthead.
DOROTHY: Now, let's take
a look at the regional map.
(lisping): The southern sectors
will experience scattered clouds
over the Mississippi Basin.
Boy.
(chuckles)
Don't you just love how she says
(lisping): "Mississippi Basin"?
It just melts your
heart, doesn't it, huh?
Mm-hmm.
You know, I, uh, sent a
fan letter to my Dorothy.
Hmm?
Yeah, I wonder if
she'll ever even read it.
I mean, they must
get so many. Hmm.
You know, I don't
think so, Cliff.
I don't think that many people
watch the Weather Channel.
Seriously, I don't think
that many people know
there is a Weather Channel.
Hmm. Boy, Norm,
are you out of touch!
Hey, Fras, Lilith.
Get you a drink?
No, Sam, we are not
here for libation this day.
We are here for the grand
opening of Rebecca's tearoom.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
What, you gonna go back
there and, uh, make fun of her?
No, we're-we're going
to go have some tea.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
then you're, what...?
You're gonna spit it on
the floor and laugh at her?
We're just going to
order it and drink it down.
Well, what's funny about that?
We're not trying to be funny.
We're just here for some tea.
Is that so hard to believe?
Yeah, seein' how
she's been open all day,
and you're the first
customers. (chuckles)
Oh, well, maybe the
word hasn't gotten out yet.
Although, she did send
us this lovely invitation
hand-calligraphed
on a lace doily.
Didn't anyone else
get one of these?
Very funny.
Could have put someone's
eye out, you know.
Let's go, Frasier.
Wait, wait, wait, Fras.
You're not really
gonna go in there
and drink tea, are ya?
Come on out here
and sit at the bar,
you know, with the guys.
Have a beer. Yeah.
Well, I guess I-I could.
(clears throat)
No.
I mean, you're-you're tellin' us
you're just gonna go back there
and sit with your
wife and sip tea, huh?
Yup, that's me.
Whipped and proud of it.
Thank you.
Here you are.
Please allow me.
All right, there.
Now you'll notice on the menu
that we have a... a wide
selection of sandwiches
and delectables, and, uh,
many, many varieties of tea.
So, what can I get you?
Just some tea, please.
That's it? Just tea?
Well, perhaps I could tempt you
with some tiny
little sandwiches or
fresh biscuits?
Scones?
We're both watching our diets,
so two pots of Orange
Pekoe would be lovely.
FRASIER: Hon,
maybe we should split a pot.
Well...
Per-Perhaps one of my slightly
more expensive herbal teas?
Uh, no, thank you.
You guys cannot just have tea.
Tea is a loss leader.
I lose money just
boiling the water.
And, Lilith, look.
(blows through lips)
You are hardly fat.
You are borderline anorexic.
Just
pig out!
Order some strawberry tarts.
Strawberries make me break out.
Well, at least that will put
a little color in your face.
Perhaps we won't
have anything at all.
Fine!
I don't really care. Get out!
Thanks for coming.
Tell all your friends.
Frasier, Lilith, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm just desperate.
I don't understand
why nobody wants
to come back into
my beautiful tearoom.
Well, Rebecca,
a restaurant should be...
like a mistress.
You see,
one shouldn't feel that
she's overeager to please.
It's far more enticing
if you need her more
than she needs you.
Who is this "she"
you're talking about, Frasier?
Purely hypothetical.
Well, it's a little strange
for a happily married man
to go prattling on
about a mistress.
Oh, come on, hon,
give me this one.
You already heard
me admit I was whipped
in front of the boys.
That was good.
You were right, Sam.
Nobody's gonna come in here
and have high tea and crumpets.
Oh, don't give up hope.
(Cockney accent): Maybe
a carriage will break down
in front of the pub and
everyone'll come in for a cup of tea.
Have a cup of tea, please.
Have a cup of tea.
God, I hate you!
Okay, guys.
Just made up a fresh
new batch of chili.
(cheering)
Now all I ask
is you please leave
me some this time.
You guys really like that
chili, don't you? Mmm.
Well, do you think that
if I sold that kind of
chili in my tearoom that,
uh, I could make $500 a night?
Easy. But, uh,
why would anyone
want to go back there?
We got a free pot
of chili right here.
Good point.
Chili in the tearoom!
Chili in the tearoom!
Sammy, kiss that
poolroom good-bye, pal.
Sam, she's sellin' an
awful lotta chili in there.
She must be gettin' pretty close
to that $500 mark. Oh, come on.
So she's sellin'
a couple of bowls.
I mean, how much
chili can a guy eat?
Boy, I can't eat
another mouthful.
Uh-huh, see what I mean?
Thank goodness they
sell these gallon buckets
for take-out.
Oh, man,
I'm gonna lose my poolroom.
I've gotta think of
some way to stop her.
I agree with you, Sammy.
Go for the jugular.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Whatta ya mean,
like sabotage her?
No, go for her jugular.
I mean, you can't sell chili
when her throat's
all ripped out.
Well, she could, but
who'd wanna buy it?
No, I got it, I got it.
Let's call the fire
marshal on her, huh?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
that'd be below the belt.
I can't do that.
Sam, can I talk to you a minute?
You know, I just realized
that the closer I'm
getting to my goal,
the more all I'm
thinking about is winning,
and that's not right.
I mean, I wasn't even
considering your feelings.
You've had that poolroom
for many, many years
and, well, I guess what
I'm trying to say is...
(singsongy): Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!
I'm gonna win your poolroom!
Call the fire marshal!
Glad that dinner rush is over.
Give me time to put up a new pot
before the after-theatre
crowd gets here.
Sam, I'm taki" a break.
Me, too, Sammy.
I'm down to the last
notch on my belt.
Yeah, I had to make
a new one with a nail.
Hey, Cliff, you got
somethin' in the mail.
Huh? That reminds me.
Did I ever take you out back
and kick the hell out of
you for that postal increase?
Uh-huh.
Good.
Just goin' over my checklist.
Well, look at this!
It's a reply from my
Weathergirl Dorothy.
Oh, look at that,
the sweetheart.
She sent a little
photo of herself.
No, no, no, Cliffie,
I believe that's
a satellite photo
of the entire Eastern Seaboard.
Oh, yeah, but she's in there.
I mean, I'm in there.
We're all in there.
The letter says, "Dear Cliff,
"Thank you so much
for your sweet letter.
"You did not mention
what grade you're in,
"but from the
handwriting I guess
"that you're a big
boy of 11 or 12.
"Maybe when you grow up,
"you can be a
weatherperson, too.
Yours truly, Dorothy Borsik."
CARLA (whispers):
Sammy, the fire marshal.
Sam,
we got a tip that Cheers
is operating a kitchen
without a permit.
Anything to that?
Oh, gosh no.
I don't think anything that
would concern you, you know,
just a couple of
exposed propane tanks,
unventilated hot plate.
I mean, but that...
oh, now wait a second.
Gee, that's a, that's
a potential fire hazard.
And you, you're a fire marshal.
What was I thinking?
I think I'll just
take a look-see.
Maybe I shouldn't have
called the fire department.
Maybe that was wrong.
Don't chicken out now, Sam.
No, no, no, maybe I shoulda...
put a mouse in the chili and
called the health department.
That would have been funnier.
(laughing)
Sam,
you should
be ashamed of yourself.
Do you realize
everything that Rebecca
has attempted in her life
has resulted in failure?
Yeah.
This is her first
success, and you're trying
to take it away from her.
That's my poolroom!
But it's her life.
But it's my poolroom.
Come on, you guys,
understand that, don't ya?
Yeah, Sam, we understand.
We understand you made
a fair bet, you saw that you
were gonna lose, and
you started cheatin'.
Well, I-I-I didn't want
to be a bad sport.
I just wanted to do
anything I had to to win.
But that's no reason
for you to be a cheater.
But you were the one
who told me to cheat!
No, I said to k*ll her.
Cheating's wrong.
I'm, I'm sorry.
What, do you all hate
me now? Is that...?
Well, kinda, yeah.
I'm afraid that's
some list, Miss Howe.
NORM: Great,
now he's writin'
her up a citation.
So it's beans, tomato paste,
onions, peppers and ground beef.
No, that's ground chuck.
Oh, ground chuck.
Serves eight? Uh-huh.
What're you gonna do,
share with the other guys
at the firehouse? Why should I?
What have they ever done for me?
Sam,
why do you suppose
the fire marshal would
come by my chili room
tonight, of all nights?
Kismet?
No, because you tipped him off.
Sam, you could've
gotten me shut down.
Thank God that dear
man loves his chili.
I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
Yes, you did.
Listen, I, I gotta
make this up to you.
How, how, how, how close are you
to getting that $500?
About $20.
I'll tell you what.
Let me, let me, uh,
buy a bowl of chili for $20. No.
No, Sam, you don't
need to do that.
No, listen, I wanna prove to
you that I'm not a poor loser.
Come on, give me
my bowl of chili here.
Thank you, Sam,
this is nice of you.
Go ahead, just
put on Woody's hat
and get the chili yourself
because I want to get my
camera and get a picture
of you pouring that bowl
of chili that put
me over the top.
Oh, you got to warm it up, Sam.
You know how to
turn on the flame?
It's kind of tricky.
Yeah, I'll figure it out.
(loud expl*si*n)
Yep, that's how I
figured it out, too.
It was a accident.
Sammy, are you okay?
You ever had a pot
of chili fly by your face
at the speed of light?
No.
Don't.
Look at the hole in that wall.
Who could miss it, huh?
No, I'm talking
about the brick wall
across the alley.
Man, that pressure cooker
really wanted out of here.
Okay, everybody
out of here, out.
Come on, everybody, out!
Go back to the bar, please.
Not you.
I want to talk to you.
Don't you think maybe I should
go to a trauma center first?
S-Some of this could be me.
Oh, come on, I know
what you're thinking here,
but I-I didn't do
this on purpose.
I swear to God I
didn't do it on purpose.
You did it just because I
started doing really well
back here and you're jealous.
Y-You're just a big baby.
I am not. Yes, you are.
You want everything for
you and nothing for me.
Well, yeah, if that's
being a big baby, okay,
but... but I'm a,
I'm a guy.
I'm supposed to be a big baby.
And you're a woman.
You know, you're supposed
to be like a nice mommy
and tell me everything's okay
and, and pat me on the head.
I would like to pat you
on the head with a pickax.
Oh, I, I know how you feel.
I mean,
I'm sorry.
This is crazy, I...
I feel so sorry.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do, I really do.
I just feel terrible.
I... feel like I could cry.
Okay.
Okay what?
Cry.
What do you mean?
I mean, make water
come out of your eyes.
And that way I will know
that you are really sorry
for what you've done here.
Just cry?
Yep.
Does it count if, you know,
if you really want
to cry, but you can't?
No.
Cry, Sam.
Huh.
(mock sobbing)
No onions.
I want real tears.
Now, just cry.
Give me a break. What
am I supposed to...?
I mean, isn't this enough?
A guy, a guy who can't cry?
I mean, that is heartbreaking.
Honey, there's nothing sadder
than a man who can't cry.
No, Sam.
It is not enough.
Wait, maybe I can
help you out here.
(glass breaking)
(footsteps approaching)
There.
Now we can go.
Come on.
What was that sound?
Oh, that was the sound
of me breaking all the
windows out of your Corvette.
(Sam sobbing)
REBECCA: There, now
there are those tears.