01x16 - Big Hair & Baseball

[bunniefuu]

Stay out, you
bloodsucking leeches!

Welcome to the tipton,

where you and the rest
of your baseball team

will be treated with the
utmost respect and courtesy.

You Yankees stink!
You're going down!

Yeah, but first,

can you autograph my mitt?

And my ball?

Please get out
from behind there.

No, no! Not over the--

so sorry about this.

How many times have I told you
not to disturb the guests?

, .

But it never gets old.

Thanks.

My pleasure, guys.

Sorry, dude, but this hand will never
touch the hand of a Red Sox rival.

Not even if it has tickets
to tomorrow's game in it?

I love you,
you stinkin' yankee!

Yeah, thanks!
Ok.

Don't break the yankee!

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me
got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

Wow! I would love to play
catch with one of them.

They're even cuter than the hockey
team daddy bought me for hanukah.

Ha! You should have seen the
ballplayers back in my day...

Like babe Ruth.
What a hunk!

You knew babe Ruth?

Sure. Who do you think
first called him "babe"?

You know, I am sick
of cute guys.

I mean, who cares
about looks?

Ok.

What else is there?

How about intelligence,
sense of humor,

sweetness,
a lot of creativity...

[Continues
mouthing words]

Ok, if you're gonna do that,
stop when I stop.

If you really care
about all that junk,

I know this guy Gavin
who'd be perfect for you.

I'll set it up
for tomorrow.

That is so sweet!

Well, you guys have
so much in common.

He has bad skin too.
Tons of blackheads.

I do not have
any black--ooh!

It's a special
magnifying mirror

to enable to detect
potential pimples

while still at
a subatomic level.

Maddie, how about I
give you a facial

and do your hair
for your date tomorrow?

We can have a little
spa day in my suite.

Ooh, me too! I love to
ski, spend, and spa.

Anything that starts
with "s."

Ok. We'll
do it tomorrow.

It'll be so nice
to just for once

spend a day
pampering myself

instead of doing what
the boys want to do.

Hey, mom, we got tickets so you
could take us to the game tomorrow!

Won't that be fun?

Not fun.

It would be an opportunity for
you to bond with the boys.

Ooh, I shudder just
thinking about it.

Ooh! See?

Ooh! Oh, flashback!

The more you connect with them, the
less of your stuff they'll break.

You really expect me
to believe that?

No. Mr. moseby,
please, please, please,

please, please! I never
get a day to myself

and the boys love you.

They love me?

No, but...

They would if you took
them to a baseball game.

I can't believe
that hotel guy

won't take his own kids
to the baseball game.

No, no, they're
not my kids.

That's just not right.
Mm-hmm.

But I hate baseball.

Now that's just
un-American.

Do you believe
this guy?

I guess you hate apple
pie, too, huh, fella?

And puppies!
And your own mama!

Sir, I love my mama!

I would love to take
the kids to the game.

Ha ha ha ha ha!
What time's kick-off?

Oh, the boys will
be so thrilled. Yes!

No!
No!

Mr. moseby?

At a baseball game?

Those things just
don't go together.

It's like
Zack and homework.

Or Cody on a date!

Oh, come on, guys.

He's really looking
forward to going with you

and he loves you.

He loves us?

No, but he might if he
spent more time with you.

Please. I never get
a day to myself,

and I changed your diapers.

Oh, no. She's playing
the diaper card again.

You know, mom,
if we knew you were

always gonna pull
that diaper thing,

we would have just
sat in it.

Speak for yourself.

Wow! These seats
are awesome!

Oh! This seat
is filthy!

Well, we told you
to dress casual.

This is casual.
I'm wearing loafers,

and my pocket-wear
is linen, not silk.

And my jockey shorts
are a cotton blend.

Sit down!

Ok. Today's the day.

I'm finally gonna
catch my first ball.

Or it'll bounce off
your head

and while everybody rushes
to stop the bleeding,

I can pick it up
like last time.

Should we be wearing
protective headgear?

Mr. moseby,
when you were a kid,

didn't you ever dream
about catching a ball

at Fenway park?

No. Back then,
the ballet was my life.

Gee, there's
a surprise, huh?

I was just a kid
in the chorus,

but I aspired to
someday being picked

to dance the challenging yet
coveted role of nutcracker prince.

So did you get to do it?

Alas, no.

One nasty
tetherball accident

shattered my big toe.

It's just so painful
for me to talk about.

Try having to
listen to it.

Hey, hey, check out
the lead pinapski's taking.

He's gonna steal.

You know, I read the encyclopedia
of baseball last night.

All of it?

Well, you have to
be informed.

Don't want
to appear the boob.

Too late.

Current research proves
that stealing a base,

WHILE THEATRICAL,

is statistically
inadvisable.

No, no. I'll tell you
what's inadvisable--

sh**ting off your mouth
when you don't know diddly.

Well, I'm sure this diddly
is a fine fellow,

but statistics
do not lie.

Sir, stealing that base would
be a waste of your time.

There he goes.

Umpire: YOU'RE OUT!

Crowd: OH!

Told you!

[Knock on door]

Could you get that?

Sure. Come in!

Oh.
Aah!

Something's eating
maddie's head!

It's my hair.

It's humid outside, which tends
to make it a little frizzy.

A little? You look like the
bride of frankenstein.

Are we done making
fun of my hair?

Not quite. ♪ your
hair looks funny ♪

♪ your hair looks funny ♪ ok.
Now I'm done.

Don't worry.
By the time we're done,

your blind date's gonna
think you're gorgeous.

Ah.

Crowd: OH!

Umpire: YOU'RE OUT!

Crowd: YAY!

You stink!
Go back to New York!

Isn't that the nice man
who gave us these tickets?

Another reason to
hate the Yankees.

Zack, how could
you be so rude?

Miss manners, this
is a baseball game.

It's not
your ballet class.

Mock me if you will, but I was the
only boy amongst pretty girls.

Mama didn't raise no fool.

All right. Yeah.

Look. It's his first time.
Cut him some slack.

Oh, not to worry. I can
razz with the best of them.

Hey...Yankee...Person.

Your shoelace is untied.

It's not really. I'm just
saying that as a ploy.

Clever.

You swing like a girl!
You're weak!

You'd never make it
as a nutcracker.

That's telling him.

Mm-hmm.

Announcer:
AND NOW, PLEASE RISE

for the seventh
inning stretch.

Ooh!

[Music playing]

Oh!

Isn't this the life?

Too bad we can't
do it every day.

Well, you can't,
but I can. Yay!

[Snaps]

Ow! Why'd you do that?

It stimulates the circulation
in your forehead,

prevents wrinkles.

Oh. Ok.

Ow!
[Snaps]

Ow.

Ow...Ow...

Aren't you guys
afraid of wrinkles?

Nah! When the time comes, I'm
gonna grow old gracefully.

Ok, maddie, let's get
started on your hair.

Come over here and
let's work some magic.

And for my first trick,
I made the comb disappear.

Nnnh! Uhh!

It's ok.
It'll be fine

once we wash,
condition, blow dry,

straight iron and
possibly shave your head.

What?!
I'm kidding.

[Sighs]

As long as I stay inside.

Otherwise, it's att*ck
of the k*ller hair.

Then it was pretty smart of me to
arrange your date here at the hotel.

Look, I don't know why some
people think I'm stupid.

Ow, ow, ow, ow...

It's a mystery,
all right.

Umpire: STRIKE!

Crowd: AW!

You're blind!

You tell him,
fancy-pants!

Thanks, Artie.
Hey, some popcorn?

Yeah. Don't mind if I do.

Mr. moseby,
your hat's empty.

Ah! We'll refill it, boys.

Hey, how about
some peanuts?

Yeah.
All right.

Hey, waiter, orders of
your finest peanuts, please.

And some cotton candy?

Sure. And some--ooh!

Never mind.
Huh?

Hey!

Oh! Good thing I didn't
order the canned ham.

I gotta say,
Mr. moseby,

for a stick in the mud,
you're ok.

Hmm. And for a pain in
the derrire, so are you.

This stinks. It's the
bottom of the ninth,

the sox are losing, and now
I'll never catch a ball.

It's not over yet.
If he hits this,

we still have
a chance of winning.

Hmm!

It's coming to us!

No! Don't catch that!

No!

All right!
I caught it!

I caught it!

I caught it for you.

No, thanks.

Oh, but I insist.

Keep it. Oh, but you wanted one.

Not that one.
Why not?

Announcer: INTERFERENCE.
THE BATTER IS OUT.

The Yankees win.

That's why!

To think I shared popcorn
with the likes of you.

Nice going, Mr. moseby.

You lost us the game.

You are going to be
the most hated man in Boston.

Oh, pish-posh. I think you're
blowing this all out of proportion.

Look.

[Crowd booing
and yelling]

Does my hair look ok?

Amazing. I mean,
no one would know

it's actually
a giant tumbleweed.

Ok.

London.

Gavin!

This is maddie.
Maddie, this is Gavin.

Hi.

Hi.

You know,
for smart people,

you guys don't
say very much.

That's because
we're so smart,

we can communicate
telepathically.

Oh, yeah?
Oh, what's she saying?

And don't talk.

Maddie just said
she thinks

we're going to
have a great time.

And Gavin just said
he wishes you'd leave.

[Gasps] Well! That's the
rudest thing I've never heard!

Sir, your table
is ready.

Aah! Well, if it isn't
little miss

"I'm sorry, but this hotel doesn't
stock your favorite flavor of gum."

Patrick, no one
likes coconut gum.

I do, so apparently
I'm a no one.

This way.

Wait. No, no, no, no.

We have to have
a table inside.

Please...
St. Patrick.

So, I see. Now
I'm a someone.

No, it's just that it's
really humid out there.

Yes. That would explain we'll wait. How
soonavailable can you seat us inside?

Breakfast.

Splendid decision.
Right this way.

Balmy, isn't it?

Enough small talk.
Here's your table.

Here are your menus. Would
you like some crayons?

Well,
this isn't so bad.

Will you excuse me
for a second?

[Gasps]

[Dials]

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Carey, this is
a disaster.

What's the matter?
Is your date a dud?

Tell him your husband
just got out of jail.

Works for me every time.

No. He's great, but we're
outside, it's % humidity,

and I can hear
my hair frizzing.

[Frizzing]

Thank goodness.
Sanctuary.

Traitor!

How dare you show
your face in here?

I'm the manager.

Well, Mr. manager, I bet your
mama don't love you now.

Well, she did leave a nasty
message on my cell phone.

If anyone asks,
we don't know you.

We just met you
at the game.

And we didn't
hit it off.

We were having fun.
We were bonding.

I'm sorry. Mom says
not to talk to strangers.

Oh, hi.
How was the game?

Oh, fine, if you like
being pelted by peanuts.

Great. Glad you had fun.

I ran as fast as I could.

Not fast enough.
It's growing!

No, it's ok.
I got here in time.

In time for what?

In time to recommend the steak.
It's fantastic.

Cool. Can we have
some water, please?

I'm not a waitress.

Then who are you?

I'm a singer.
She's a chef.

I'm a singing chef.

♪ Enjoy your meal ♪

♪ try the steak,
not the veal ♪

It really is humid
tonight, isn't it?

Is it?
I hadn't noticed.

Could you excuse me?
Could you excuse me?

I'll be right back.

I am not staying in any hotel
managed by some Benedict Arnold.

Me, neither. I'm checking out and
I'm going to stay at the St. mark.

Blame me if you must,

but please do not punish
this magnificent hotel.

I'd rather die.

Works for us.
Works for us.

Poor Mr. moseby.

If I hadn't made
such a big deal

about never
catching a ball,

he probably wouldn't
be in this fix.

Yeah.

We gotta do something.

Yeah. Wanna go get
some ice cream?

Sure.

Aah!

Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry. Oh!

The hairspray
is wearing off.

I think I've built up
an immunity to it.

Ok. It's a
little frizzy.

How little?

Somewhere between a troll
doll and an unsheared sheep.

[Gasps]

Ah, miss London,

may I get you
a table inside?

But I thought you said there
wasn't anything available inside.

I'm sorry. Does your father own this hotel?
I didn't think so.

Thank you, Patrick,
but I just came up

to check
on my friends' date.

Although I don't
know why I should

after you thought
rude things to me.

Well, we apologize.
Now please help me blot.

You got a mop?

That's why
I need your help.

See, I really
like maddie,

which makes me
a little nervous,

so it makes me sweat
even more,

but I don't want her
to see my sweating,

so I have to keep
running in here to blot,

which makes me sweat more.

Ew, ew,
ew-ew-ew-ew-ew.

Take care of this.

Gavin: THANKS.

Hey, would you mind putting
some deodorant on my back?

Come with me.

That's not working.

It's alive!

♪ I recommend
the creme brule ♪

♪ I recommend
you go away ♪

Look, you've both
been hiding something.

The truth is--how do I
say this nicely?

Maddie's a frizzy-haired freak and
Gavin sweats like a donkey in a sauna.

So now you guys can just
relax and enjoy your date.

I mean, if you can forget
how hideous you both look.

[Laughs]

Oh, great. More
smarty-pants silent talk.

Ok, what are you
guys saying?

I said that
I love curly hair.

And I said that a little
perspiration never hurt anybody.

Oh! This is so romantic!

In an incredibly
icky kind of way.

Now what are you saying?

Gavin wants to thank you for setting
up our date and then saving it.

Oh!

And maddie
wants you to leave.

Well, do you know what
I'm thinking up here?

Nothing?
Nothing?

Wow, you guys are good.

I just hope
Mr. moseby's ok.

Well, if you're so concerned,
why don't you just ask him?

Mr. moseby!

Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!

There he is!

Oh! Oh, my! No, no,
no, no, no punching!

I can't take hitting.
Oh! Uhh!

How does it feel to be the
most hated man in Boston?

I didn't mean to cost
the sox their game.

Do you think you'll
have to leave Boston?

Leave Boston? He should
leave the country!

Yeah!
Yeah!

He doesn't
deserve this.

Hold my cone.
I'm going in.

Leave him alone!

Who are you?

I'm the kid
he took to the game.

I don't know
either of them!

Why'd you pull
such a bonehead move?

He couldn't help doing
something incredibly stupid.

It was
his first game.

Wait. A grown man who's never
been to a baseball game?

Yeah.
Fat chance.

It's not his fault
his mom made him

wear tights
and play ballet.

Actually, I quite
enjoyed the dancing.

But you go ahead.

It may not have been
the smartest move,

but he caught that ball
for me,

for a kid who always
dreamed of catching one.

But was too lame
to do it himself

because he has lousy
hand-eye coordination.

I have astigmatism.

Look, don't you
all remember

what it was like to go to
your first baseball game,

to walk through
that dark tunnel

and suddenly see the stadium
open up in front of you?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Smelling the newly-cut grass and
the fresh, roasted peanuts.

Yeah.
Yeah.

The fat fan's
nacho burps.

[All groan]

The point is,

this man didn't think
he'd like baseball,

but once he got there,
he loved it.

So he got swept away in the
excitement and caught the ball.

He did it for me.

He may be the most
hated man in Boston,

but to me,
he's a hero.

Aw!
Aw!

You know, the kid's
got a point.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And isn't that what
baseball's all about?

Not winning or losing
but the love of the game?

Yeah.

Not if you lost your
paycheck betting on the sox.

You got that right.

And it knocked us
out of first place.

Behind the Yankees.

I hate the Yankees.

I hate him!

Get him!
Yeah!

Run, boys, run!

Let me know
if you catch him!

As I may have mentioned

every minutes for the last hour
and a half-- but who's counting?--

it's closing time.

Isn't it just
a gorgeous night?

Absolutely perfect.

Fine. If you want to stay,
I have one favor to ask.

We've run out of steel
wool in the kitchen.

We'd love to scrub the
pots out with your hair!