02x09 - Books & Birdhouses

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hi, guys. How was the first
day of the new semester?

Wood shop is going great.
Mr. woodburn loves me.

He's letting me work with mahogany.
[Clicks tongue]

Excuse me, did you just say
a teacher loves you?

Yeah, I know. Threw me
for a loop, too.

Cody, how was
your new math class?

You mean advanced calculus,
covering functions, limits,

convergents, sequences,
and multivariables?

Yeah, that one.

They canceled it. I was
the only one who showed up.

I heard about that. Even the
teacher didn't show up.

Cody, you might wanna take a little
less-challenging course for your elective.

Have some fun.

You want me to take
an easy class, like wood shop?

What makes you think
wood shop is easy?

Hello. You're taking it.

Come on, how hard can it be
to make a stupid box?

It's not a stupid box.
It's got a*t*matic drawers.

What, no dancing girls?

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

There. I'm doing my short
story for English class.

Wanna hear it?
No. I'm playing solitaire.

Ok. It's about a starving slovak
peasant in the th century.

"Svetlana watched
the aurora borealis

"paint the night sky
bloody,

"then lay down on her
thread-bare blanket

and gently froze to death."

That's fantastic.
You really liked it?

No, I won, and the little cards
are dancing.

Well, let's hear
some of your story.

Ok, it's about ivana.

"I am a dog
who lives in a hotel."

Yes?

That's it.
That's all you wrote?

Hello. Short story. Duh.

But you didn't tell us her name or
who you are or what you do together.

And you also
misspelled "dog."

I'm sunk. This assignment's
due tomorrow,

and it took me forever
to write that sentence.

That's a shame, because a little dog
living in a hotel is a good idea.

That's the only kind I have.

In fact, it can make
a great children's story.

My name is ivana,
I live at the tipton,

it's
a very special hotel...

Uh-huh.

There's maddie
and moseby,

there's Zack,
and there's Cody

and London,
who loves me so well.

Oh, what a great story. How can
you make it up on the spot?

Is there a name for that?
Intelligence?

And that's how the
screwdriver got its name.

When you need to drive
a screw, you use a...

Screwdriver.

Could this class
be any easier?

Shh, I'm trying
to take notes.

Maybe you should take notes.

It's just wood shop.

You think wood shop
is easy, is that it, son?

Well, uh...

Do you know your woods?
Mahogany? Walnut?

Oak? Maple?

Well, no, but--

rosewood? Teak? Pine?
Hemlock? Fur?

Spruce, ash, birch, elm?

Poplar, Spanish cedar?

Douglas fir?
Cottonwood?

Balsa?
Cherry?

This is all news to you,
isn't it, fella?

Oh, Nelson.

Yolanda.

The copying machine
is jammed.

Oh. I can fix that.

[Giggles]

Zack, watch the class.

All right, people, back to
your projects, and remember--

never chisel
towards yourself.

What are you doing?

Getting ready
to drill a hole.

Here in wood shop, we tuck in
our shirts before we use tools.

But this shirt
is % linen.

If I tuck it in, then take
it out, it'll be wrinkled.

There's a % chance
you'll be wrinkled

when you get
sucked into a sander.

These safety rules were made
for your own protection.

Oh, yeah? And who
came up with them?

-finger Nick.

Ok, well,
forget the drill.

I'll just put
the screw in without it.

See? This one's got
a sharpy, pointy end.

If you don't drill a hole,
you'll split the wood.

No, I won't.

Ooh...You split the wood.

You wasted a perfectly good
piece of wood.

Do you think wood
grows on trees?

You're getting a demerit,
young man.

He's very strict.

Yesterday, he made me do push-ups
for sanding against the grain.

But I've never gotten
a demerit in my life.

Then this is
a very special moment.

I'm glad I was here
to share it with you.

[Sing-song] I got
an "a," "a," a."

I got an "a." Gimme an "a."
What does that spell?

It spells "a."
Hey, hey, hey.

London, you've been singing
i got an "a" for hours.

When are you going to stop?

When it starts to get on
people's nerves.

That was hours
and minutes ago.

You're just grumpy because
your short story got a "b."

♪ You got a "b,"
you got a "b" ♪

That's because sister Dominick
failed to see my symbolism,

my clever use
of metaphor and irony.

I don't know what
you just said, but...

♪ You got a "b,"
you got a "b" ♪

And I got an "a."
♪ "a," "a," "a" ♪

Wait a minute. "My name is ivana. I live
at the tipton. It's a very special hotel"?

I wrote this.

No. You spoke it,
but I wrote it.

Writing it down
doesn't make you the author.

I know,
but getting an "a" does.

"A" me.

[Chuckles] Come here.
London...

The entire
tipton staff and I

would like to extend our
sincerest congratulations

regarding
your academic miracle.

Thank you.

Your father will be most pleased
to hear about your "a."

I wouldn't be surprised
if he sent you a lavish gift.

And if I know daddy, it'll be
something that starts with an "a."

Could be.

[Gasps] Like a yacht.

So, why don't we put your paper
on display at the check-in desk?

Love it.

All right.

I could tell moseby
where your story came from.

So you helped me a little.
Big deal.

It's the only "a"
I've ever gotten.

It'd be awfully mean
if you'd take it away.

I don't know
if you know this,

but I'm not exactly
what you'd call "smart."

Ok, I won't say anything,

as long as the next "a"
is one you get on your own.

Deal. And you promise
not to tell?

Yes, I promise I won't tell.

Or may the evil Fitzpatrick leprechaun
steal me away in the night.

You believe
in evil leprechauns?

They're not all nice,
you know.

Hey, guys.

Mom, Zack gave me
a demerit in wood shop

because he's jealous of my
perfect . grade average.

Did not. He's jealous because there's
something in school I'm better at.

Not true.
So true.

Not true.

Nice to see you guys, too.
My day was fine, thanks.

A foot rub? I'd love one.

Mom, this is serious.

I'll never keep my perfect average.
I'm doomed.

Relax, Cody. You're putting too
much pressure on yourself.

Unh-unh. I'm not putting
too much pressure on me.

Harvard is. Yale is.
Princeton, mit, Stanford.

Do you think they're
looking for underachievers?

If I don't ace wood,
I'll wind up one of those guys

who sells hotdogs
and sleeps in a taxi.

Hey, how much
does that pay?

Look what daddy sent me for
getting an "a" on my short story.

A solid-gold pen.

Well, it was
a job well done.

Oh...

London, I must admit,
I didn't know you had it in you.

Maybe she had it
right beside her.

You know, my next story is about
a girl who breaks her promise

and is taken away
by evil leprechauns.

London. Oh, there you are.

Sister Dominick.

I've got great news
for you.

My sister is in
desktop publishing.

She absolutely adores
your little-dog story.

She wants to publish it
as a children's book.

What?
What?

She says that
ivana lives in a hotel

will be out next month
and will sell millions.

Yay me!

Yay you.

Lousy leprechauns.

I must say, we are very impressed
with your college application.

I think our college would be lucky
to have someone with your... oh...

What's that?
What's what?

It says you received a "b"
in middle-school wood shop.

I can explain that.

Oh, did a meteorite
hit your school? No.

Then you have no excuse,
do you?

I was under a lot of pressure, and
my brother gave me a demerit,

and I could finish--
you cracked, is that it?

You folded and wound up
with a "b."

Listen up, sparky, we here at
big, snooty Ivy-league college

do not take people
who got a "b."

But it was only wood shop.

Oh, don't worry. We have a
position for you at our school.

You do?

No, no, no-o-o-o!

No, no, no. No.

Cody, wake up.

Oh, man, I just had
the worst nightmare.

We were taking wood shop, and you were the
star pupil, and I was the one failing.

Oh, the whole thing
was totally unbelievable.

Ok. It's ok. All right.

Just a dream.

It's all true, and our final's
this afternoon.

No-o-o-o-o-o!

Yes-s-s-s-s!

Get dressed.

Thank you.

All right, everyone, we're going to give
our book-signer a little break, hmm,

and then continue with the
book reading in the lounge.

Wow, being a famous author
is more work than I thought.

Oh, yeah, must be tough
signing books, getting praise,

forgetting to mention
you stole everything from me.

Maddie, I'm beginning
to think you're jealous.

I'm not jealous.
I'm furious.

You're getting money, awards, and
fame for something that I wrote.

Based on my idea,
my dog, my hotel.

My words.

What's going on here?

Maddie's jealous because
I'm a bestselling author

on top of being
rich and beautiful.

Oh, maddie.

Maddie, maddie, maddie.

Is it so hard for you to make
your heart an open place?

No. It's just that--

envy isn't pretty, dear. In fact,
it's one of the deadly sins.

So is stealing.

Sister, I think London has something
to tell you about her book.

You do? What is it?

Well, sister Dominick, you
should know... yes...

When they make my book
into a movie,

I want Britney Spears
to play me.

Oh, I love her.
She's such a talented actress.

Ok, everybody, this is
your wood-shop final.

Grade you get
on this project today

counts for /
of your final grade.

[Whimpers]

Would you relax?
You're going to do fine.

No, he won't.
He's hopeless.

Not helping.
Not lying.

[Groans]

So there are no misunderstandings,
let's go over the rules.

You are to make something
out of wood.

You have one hour.
You may begin.

Oh, Nelson.

Uh, yolanda.

The copying machine...
Needs toner?

Yes. I tried to fix it,
but-- say no more.

Remember,
I can fix anything?

[Giggles]

Ahem, carry on.

And remember, wood.

Hey, Bob...

Oh, hey! Watch it.

If I get a splinter back there,
I'll never get it out.

Sorry.

[Sanding/hammering/drilling]

When my sister asked London
to do this book signing,

she couldn't say yes
fast enough.

London
simply loves people.

Especially people
who bring cameras.

Right. Now you sit right over here.
There you go.

And you sit--
oh, no, no, no.

Don't out gum on my sock.
That's a bad thing.

When's this reading
gonna start?

I've got finger painting
at : .

Hello, young readers.

Remember, reading
makes you smarterer.

"My name is ivana.
I live at the tipton.

It's a very special hotel."

I have a dog, too.

Excuse me. London's talking.

"There's maddie and moseby.
There's Zack and Cody.

And London,
who loves me so well."

I like this book.
Me, too.

Yeah, London, was it
hard to write it?

Uh, I just listened to
the voice inside my head.

I thought the q and a
was after : .

So did I. So put
a sock in it, maddie.

"One day, it was dark.
I got lost in the park.

I couldn't find
my way home."

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Halle-- ♪

Bless you
for calling.

Yes. What?

Oh. Oh!

Are you--
I was just trying...

I've got great news.

My sister just sold the
film rights to your book

for ,
smackeroonies.

Yay me.

Kids: Yay, London.

I think Britney Spears
should play you in the movie.

She's really talented.

That's it. I don't care if the
evil leprechauns do come for me.

I wrote this book.

[All gasp]

Liar, liar,
pants on fire.

Excuse me. I'm looking for the
author of ivana lives in a hotel.

Both: That's me.

The author of that book is being sued
for a $ million by heartstrings press.

Both: She wrote it.

Well, whoever wrote it
plagiarized their book

the little puppy
who lives in a hotel.

Oh, my mother used to
read that book to me.

My name is rover.
I live at the Dover.

It's a very special
hotel. Ehh.

That's it, exactly.

I must've remembered it
subconsciously.

Aha! So you admit
you wrote it.

I just said it. You wrote it down.
Who's richer?

All: London.

This stinks.

Let's blow
this popsicle stand.

Now, London, is this true?

The story that I put up on
the board is not yours?

Well, not completely.

I just wanted you
to be proud of me.

I've always been proud
of you, London.

Except for now.

I'm sorry, moseby.
I'm sorry, maddie.

I'm sorry, sister.

It's not entirely
your fault, my dear.

Madeline shouldn't have
tempted you.

Yeah, but--

shh. You can work it out tomorrow
while you're in detention.

That is cruel
and unusual punishment.

No, dear. Reading
your Svetlana story was.

"Gently froze to death."
Gimme a break.

[Sanding/hammering/sawing]

So, Cody, how are you doing
with your paper...Weight?

It's not a paperweight.
It's...

It was supposed to be
a birdhouse.

Yeah,
I can see that.

It's got different levels
to it. It's...

It's kind of like
a bird condo.

You put the tennis court
on top, I'd move in.

Thanks for trying to make me
feel better, guys.

But I'm getting an "f,"
and we all know it.

Hey, I get "f"s all the time.
It's no big deal.

But I've never gotten one.
I don't wanna start now.

What are you doing?

Like I said, I get "f"s
all the time.

It's not big deal.

But this is--
you can't do that.

Sure, I can. I don't mind
getting another bad grade

and getting an "a"
means everything to you.

Time's up. Everybody,
put your wood down.

Ok, let's see
what we got here.

Cody, this clock
is amazing.

I didn't know you had it in ya.
Yeah, neither did I.

And now I can't wait to see
what wooden masterpiece

my star pupil has created.

Is that a wheelbarrow?

Sure.

I'm afraid I can
only give ya a "c."

Well, ya gotta do
what ya gotta do.

It's a shame you picked
today to choke.

I was gonna recommend you
for advance-placement wood shop.

Whatever.

I can't take this.
I didn't make this clock.

Zack made it, and I made that.

The wheelbarrow?

Actually, it was supposed
to be a birdhouse.

If it's a birdhouse,
it gets an "f."

If it's a wheelbarrow,
it's a "c."

It's a wheelbarrow.

Hey, guys, how was
the wood-shop final?

Great. I got an "a."

Oh, my gosh, that's great.
That is gorgeous.

I got a "c."

Oh, honey, it's ok.
I'll make you cookies.

Hey, why don't you bake me
cookies when I get a "c."?

There's not enough
dough in the world.

Well, it's true.

Cody, I know it must hard
for you getting a "c."

Mom, I think
I'm going to be ok.

You are?

Sure. I got a "c,"
and the sky didn't fall,

the earth
didn't stop spinning,

and I found out I can take
wood shop pass/fail.

Well, the best part is
I have this gorgeous clock

and this lovely
wheelbarrow.

It's a birdhouse.

That's what I said.