02x19 - Ask Zack

[bunniefuu]

I've got great news.

I just got appointed
editor of the school paper.

We have a school paper?

Yeah. You know, there's free
copies outside the library.

We have a library?

I don't blame you for not
reading the revere express.

It stinks.

But Ms. Cohen expects me
to turn it around.

The same way I turned
around the math lab.

We have a math lab?

Hey, there's Darlene.
Don't look!

She's got this huge crush on me.
Don't look!

I thought you said
she always ignored you.

That's how you can tell
when they're really interested.

I told you
not to look!

Watch this.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey, Zack.

So what brings you over to
this neck of the woods?

Uh...My locker.

Right.

I was just
guarding it for you.

No need to thank me.

Although I wouldn't say no
to dinner and a movie.

Thanks, but I'm not
really dating these days.

So what days are you dating?

Cute.

Keep 'em laughing
and they're all yours.

Check this out. So, you
wanna go out this Saturday?

Ok. Anything
but Chinese.

My stomach's
a little queasy.

♪ Here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me
and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

As your editor in chief,

I would like
to welcome you all

to the wonderful world
of newspapers.

As members of
the fourth estate,

we will strive to expand
the intellectual horizons

of our comrades in learning.

Can I say something, chief?

Absolutely, Barbara.

And p.S.
I like the chief.

Thanks, chief.

I think we should do
a hard hitting expose

on towel snapping
in the lockeroom.

Harmless prank,

or welts of rage?

You're angry.
I like that.

That's the kind of story

that will get people
to read the paper

before they turn it
into an airplane.

Incoming.

Zack, what are you
doing here?

I'm joining the paper.

Sorry, but all the
positions are filled.

Wally's our weather guy,

Barbara is our
investigative reporter,

Alexis is our copy girl,

vance is our
photographer,

and the lovely
Janice and Jessica

are doing health
and beauty.

I'm doing health.

I thought
I was doing health.

You're doing beauty.

I'd rather be healthy
than beautiful.

But I'm really healthy.

But I'm really,
really healthy.

And I'm really, really glad
you're not triplets.

How about sports?

It's big Bob
on sports.

If you can bounce it,
dribble it,

kick it, or hit me
in the face with it,

I'm your man.

Excuse us for a second,
everyone.

Look,
you don't understand.

I need a job
on the paper.

My only other option is
joining the marching band.

What's wrong with that?

The only instrument left
is the glockenspiel.

Darlene
would never go out

with a guy who
plays the glockenspiel.

Look, I'm trying
to run a newspaper here,

not your love life.

If you don't
give me a job,

I'll keep making scary monster
sounds while you're sleeping.

You're Mr. spooky head?

Fine. There's only one
spot open on the paper.

The advice column.
Ask Shirley.

You mean I'd have
to be a girl?

No, it's anonymous.

Oh. Good.

That means no one will
know you're Shirley.

Oh, good. Then that means
I'm the man for the job.

I mean wo-man.

Look, I just hold the paper
to a very high standard,

and I don't know if
you're right for the job.

What are you talking about?
I give great advice.

Example: That shirt
makes you look like a dork.

One chocolate
ding-a-ding.

What's the magic word?

Now!

Esteban, open this.

Ok.

London, what
is the matter?

Someone is a little
irritable today.

Well, that's because
I haven't gotten any sleep

the past nights.

Well, usually
when you can't sleep,

there's a psychological reason,

something deep down
that is gnawing at your soul.

My soul?

Of my otori
vitaly shoes?

Or maybe she just has
a lot on her mind.

No. No. No.

I'm telling you, there's
nothing wrong with my life.

Well, then
what's the problem?

I can't sleep!

And now I can't hear!

Neither can I!

No yelling in the lobby!

So how's the column
coming, Shirley?

These people
are all so pathetic.

Listen to this loser.

"Dear Shirley,

"I have a small
perspiration problem.

"What should I do?

Signed sweaty
in social studies."

Dear sweaty,

next time,
let the letter dry

before you mail it.

You can't make fun of
people's insecurities.

You have to be
more sensitive.

I can be sensitive.

I just found a gray hair.

Congrats, grandma.

Way to be sensitive.

It was hardly worth
the trip in here.

Fine, fine, fine.

I'll try to be
more sensitive.

[Clears throat]

Dear stinky boy,

here's what you do
to hide your sweat stains.

Join the swim team
and tell people

you just came from practice.

That is
the dumbest advice

I have ever heard.

Dumb?

And you call me insensitive.

Lights off.

Lights on.

I said lights on!

I said lights on!

Oh...

Sorry, lights.

[Telephone rings]

[Sneezes]

[Ring]

Hello.

Hey, maddie.
It's me, London.

I'm in my room
and I can't sleep.

What should I do?

Ok, the first thing
you have to do...

Uh-huh.

Is hang up the phone.

Right.

Now what?

Maddie, this isn't working.

[Sighs]

[Telephone rings]

Marion moseby.
How may I help you?

Moseby, I can't sleep.
What should I do?

First, relax
all of your muscles

from your head
to your toes.

[Exhales]

Now start counting
backwards from .

Ok.

[Inhales]

...

.

You do it for me,
moseby.

You're better
at the alphabet.

Oh...

...

...

...

...Ha...

Moseby?

Moseby?

What comes after
...Ha...

I'm telling you,
nobody's going to listen

to your stupid advice.

I know it looks
like sweat,

but the truth is,
I'm on the swim team

and I just finished doing
laps in the pool.

Would you look at that.

Bob is sweaty
in social studies.

But he's doing pretty well
with the ladies,

all thanks to Shirley.

Ok, so it worked
for Bob.

No one else is going to
like your stupid column.

Cody, I love
the ask Shirley column.

It's hysterical,

and the advice
is actually pretty good.

I think Shirley's
brilliant.

In fact, she and I
are a lot alike.

Tell her, Cody.

I see no resemblance
whatsoever.

You've got to tell her
I'm Shirley.

No. She's anonymous,
remember?

Well, that's not
working out for me.

If you tell her,

you're going to be
in the marching band

glockenspieling for
the rest of your life.

Maddie, the mints
are overflowing.

I'm too tired to stop.

London has woken me up nights
in a row with her phone calls.

You, too?

I finally had my phones
disconnected.

I'm telling you, something is
troubling her psychologically.

The human mind
is a complex thing.

Miss tipton?

Miss tipton?

Miss tipton.

Well, in most cases.

I am so tired.

No way.

Ask Shirley just got
a letter from Darlene.

How do you know
it's from her?

She dots her is
with a smiley face.

A lot of girls do that.

Hers has a beauty mark
in the shape of a heart.

"Dear Shirley,

"I really like this guy,

"but he comes on
like a player

"and he can
kind of be obnoxious.

"But he is really funny
and awfully cute.

What should I do?"

Just ask me out, honey,
and hope I say yes.

How do you know
she's talking about--

oh, yeah.
She said obnoxious.

I think I'll give Darlene
a little advice

on how to take a cr*ck
at the Zack.

What are you doing?

Just watch.

Sometimes a player
isn't really obnoxious.

He's just hiding the fact that
he's shy and sensitive underneath.

You can't do that.

Why not?

Because it would be

using your position
on the paper

to manipulate someone

for your own
personal gain.

It's morally repugnant.

Come again?

Bad. Wrong.

A no-no.

Oh.

That morally repugnant.

Don't you realize
you would be compromising

your journalistic ethics?

You see, that's
where you're wrong.

I have no ethics.

Cody, we have great news.

Really great news.

Terrific, actually.

Would you get
to the point?

Ms. Cohen's
looking for you.

She loves the paper.

She really,
really loves it.

Really?

She says you're
the best editor

we've ever had.

Really?

And her favorite column
is ask Shirley.

Really?

Everyone loves
the ask Shirley column.

Even the football players
are having it read to them.

Good work, team.
All right!

[School bell rings]

Well, from what I read,

Shirley does seem like
my kind of woman.

Think you could
hook me up?

I don't think you and Shirley
are going to work out.

Oh, you just wanna
save her for yourself.

Trust me. I don't.

So, isn't it great how much
people love my column?

Although it kind of
creeps me out

that Bob
wants to date me.

You could do worse,
and you have.

Actually, I'm hoping
to do better.

A lot better.

You really think
your advice to Darlene

is going to work?

"Take a chance. Ask him
out for a milkshake."

Hey, Zack. Just
taking a chance here,

but would you like to
go out for a milkshake?

Gee, Darlene,
this is such a surprise.

I mean, I always thought
you thought I was sort of...

Obnoxious.

I did, but then
I found out

that some guys
who are players

might really be shy
and sensitive underneath.

Well...

That's me.

What's wrong
with your brother?

He forgot his combination.

Oh.

Try this candy.

It's hard on the outside,

yet soft and mushy
on the inside.

Kind of like me.

Ha ha! You know...

I'm really having fun.

Oh, me, too.

And the best part is

I feel like I can
open up to you.

Just think of me
as Dr. Phil with hair.

Well, I've only had
one boyfriend before,

and it didn't
turn out so well.

What happened?
Tell Dr. Zack.

He told me
he had to study,

but I caught him kissing my
best friend at the movies.

What a jerk.

It took me forever
to get over that.

Like, almost a month.

Well, you can trust me.

I know.

Thanks.

No kissing in the lobby!

No. I'll get those things.

No, it's fine.

Zack, why is your backpack
full of ask Shirley letters?

All right.

You caught me.

I cannot tell a lie.

I deliver the letters
to Shirley.

She lives in Maine,
someone stole her bike,

she broke her leg, and
she's afraid of the bus.

Ok, I'm Shirley.

That means
you read my letter,

which means you're the one

who gave me the advice
to ask you out?

Yeah.

And see how great
it worked out?

I mean, here we are, almost
kissing in the lobby.

Ha ha ha! No!

Here we are
almost kicking in the lobby.

Oh! Ow!

What was that for?

That letter was written
in confidence to Shirley.

Now that I know it's you,
it changes everything.

You lied to me
to make me like you.

I never want
to see you again.

Mom, come see
the new edition.

I changed the font.

I went with helvetica.

I'm proud of you, honey.

I don't like to admit it,

but I owe a lot
to Zack's ask Shirley column.

It's taken him years, but he
finally pulled through for me.

I'm quitting the paper.

What? Why?

Darlene found out
I was Shirley,

and now
she hates me.

So! Use the paper
to find another girl.

What about, uh...

P.U. In p.E.?

No. I really hurt
Darlene's feelings.

I don't deserve to be
giving advice to anyone.

Find yourself
another Shirley.

I can't.

No one's as obnoxious and
insensitive as you are.

Don't sweet talk me.

I'm not going
to change my mind.

Oh, yes, you are.

You have a responsibility
to your readers.

They want Shirley.
They need Shirley.

They trust Shirley.

You know what?
You're right.

Shirley does have
something to say.

That's my girl.

"Once upon a time, there was
a little puppy named pokey.

"He lived on the outskirts
of a town named skokie.

[Laughing]

"He had lots of trouble
trying to fall asleep,

"so he lay down
in his kennel

and began
to count sheep."

Baah! Baah!

One sheep...

Baah baah baah!

Two sheep...

Baah baah!

Three sheep...

This isn't working.
I know it's you, Esteban.

No, it's noooot.

Baah baah!

Just give it up,
Esteban.

Oh! Just pull.

Is she asleep yet?

No! No! No!

How about
I sing you a lullaby?

Ok.

♪ Hush, little rich girl,
don't say a word ♪

♪ daddy's gonna buy you...
The whole wide world ♪

[Gasps] Yay, daddy!

I can't sleep now.

I'm too excited.

Carey, sleeping,
not shopping.

I'm trying here.

This isn't working.

Ooh! Ooh! I know!

Let's all rock
Ms. London's bed.

Oh, ok.

Miss London...

Uh-huh.

Close your eyes. Yes.

Picture yourself in a boat,

gently rocking in the waves,

up and down--

stop!
I'm getting bedsick!

Wow. You're so rich,
you have diamond dust bunnies.

You know, I thought
I felt something

sort of lumpy
underneath the mattress.

Maybe that's why
I couldn't sleep.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

This mattress must be
two feet thick.

There's no way
that you could've felt--

[snoring]

Just like
the princess and the pea.

I am so tired.

Oh, me, too.
I'm b*at.

Well, let's get out of here
then, and let her sleep.

I don't know about you guys,
but I am--

aw...

Isn't that adorable?

[Snoring]

Or not?

This is not the ask Shirley
column I approved.

I can't believe you used
your entire ask Shirley column

to apologize to Darlene,

then tell the whole world
that you're Shirley.

I felt like
I was living a lie.

I am not the woman
everyone thought I was.

This is not about you.

This is about
something bigger than you.

This is about me!

I mean the paper.

But the paper isn't only
just ask Shirley.

Oh, who are you kidding?

The paper is dead.

No one even cared about
Barbara's editorial on chalk:

"Harmless
educational tool

or dust of doom?"

Hey, Zack.

I need to talk to you.

Look, if you're here
to kick me again,

let me know, because I'll
push Cody in front of me.

I'm not here to kick you.

I'm here to thank you.

It takes a real man
to apologize in public...

Shirley.

He forgot
his combination again?

Why doesn't he
just write it down?

I'm really sorry for
everything I did to you.

Zack, if you promise
not to lie to me again,

I'd like to give you
another chance.

I'll have to
think about it. Yes.

Oh, this is great.

You exploit me
and my paper,

manipulate a girl,
then abandon me,

destroy my paper,
and still get the girl?

Now what am I
supposed to do?

Dear loser...

Hope you had a pleasant stay, Mrs.
winters.

Go outside and enjoy that
beautiful spring day.

[Ding ding]

Are these your baaags?

Let me call you a caaaaab.

One more like that,

and there goes
your raaaaise.

Ok. I'm done.