03x03 - Sink Or Swim

[bunniefuu]

Can you drop me off
at the mall, mom?

I want to get
those cool new sneakers

With the tv screens
in the toes.

Ooh, I want those.

Will you buy them
for me, mommy?

No, I won't,
zacky.

Well, now that your done
with summer school,

Why don't you try
getting a job like
cody has?

Mr. Moseby,
can I have a job?

No.

Well, I tried.

Yes, you must be
exhausted.

Hey, uh, zack.
If you, uh, need a job,

I need a left-hand man.

Don't you mean
right-hand man?

Not this week.

Not the, uh,
best way to stop
a revolving door.

Ouchie!

Now I need
a right-hand man.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have
a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me ♪

♪ and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place ♪
♪ to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

[girls screaming]

[bees buzzing]

And that's why
we don't play soccer

With a beehive.

[cell phone rings]
hello?

Maddie? When are you
coming back?

London, if you
really miss me,

Then why don't you
just come back up?

And bring us
some decent food.

And some blankets
without moth holes.

And some black lipstick.

My favorite shade is
"kiss-me charcoal."

Thanks. I'll pass.

Oh, come on. They just
cleaned up the lake.

You can swim in it now
without going blind.

I'm more worried
about drowning.

I can't swim.

Really?
You never told me
you couldn't swim.

Well, it never came up.

Every time I've been
in the water,

There was a yacht
under me.

But you have a line
of "simply london"
swimsuits.

That's why I need you
to keep it quiet.

If the tabloids
hear about it,

Sales would go
into the toilet.

Don't worry,

Your secret
is safe with me.

[girls whistling]

Here you go,
sweetie.

I packed you
a little lunch box.

Please!

Working men don't
have their mothers

Pack lunch for them.

Yes! Snicker doodles.

Thank you, mother.

Hey, arwin.
Reporting for duty.

Hey, za--hey, carey.

If-if I'd-a known
you were coming,

I would have
gotten you flowers.

Um, here.

Have some wrenches.

Well, I'll just go
put them in some water.

So, the sooner
we get started,

The sooner
I get paid.

Well, you couldn't
have picked
a better first day.

Why?
Is it a holiday?

No. Better.

Today's the day...

That we get to unclog

The central
garbage disposal.

Yippee.

Here we go. Whoa!

What--what
is that smell?

Aw, it's the fish
of the day.

And that day was
to weeks ago.

Come on,
I'll let you insert

The manual oscillating
declogifier!

[echoing]

All I see
is that stick.

Yeah, that's it.

[laughing]

I think
that's all of it.

I think it, uh...

It got
a second wind.

Millicent.
Your usual.

What in the world are--

[both scream]

Gimme that.

What is this?

A magazine.

It's $ . .

At!?

Ok, it's free.

"london tipton
can't swim"?

How could you
put this on display?

They delivered them,
and I...

I don't know!

London, please,
stop asking millicent
questions.

Look what this rag
printed about me.

Owner of overpriced
swimsuit line
can't swim?

You don't know
how to swim?

Shh!

Well, it's just
one of those things

That never felt
important to learn.

Like the alphabet.

Why don't you learn now?

Nah. I mean, you really
only use it for stupid stuff

Like reading and writing.

I meant
the swimming thing.

If you learn how,
this problem goes away.

Uh, lance.

Can you teach london
how to swim?

Sure, but I'm gonna
need some water.

Here.

I'm gonna need
a little more.

Polly, I have to admit
that selling that story

About london
to the tabloids

Was genius.
No.

Genius was
using the money

To order this
duck a l'orange.

I'm a vegetarian.

Here. Eat the l'orange.

Well, they hit a new low
at the mess hall.

Leech cobbler.

Hey!

Where'd you get
all this good food?

Leah's parents
mailed it.

Uh-huh.

You know, leah, it's
amazing your parents

Would do this for you
after you testified
against them.

They're full of love.

Look...

I know you girls
are up to something.

And I am going to
get to the bottom--

Ooh, is that
creme brulee?

No.

I'm still
suspicious.

London, are you ready
for your swimming lesson?

Lower your voice.

[deep voice]
london, are you ready
for your swimming lesson?

Shh!

I don't want people
to know I can't swim.

Whoa.

Rich people
have big bathtubs.

It's a pool.

I had it installed
for our lessons.

Now stop being
so silly.

This is a serious matter.

Let's go.

[duck quacks]

Nice hat.
You look like a dork.

Nice smell.
You reek like a fish.

Still? I took showers
before I came here.

Wow. That's more
than you take in a month.

Don't push me,
box boy.

I've been to the edge
of the abyss and back.

You can't imagine
the things I've seen,

The things I've done.

Hey, I just
ironed this apron.

[zach whines]

Poor you with
your cushy job.

I'd give anything
to work with food

That hasn't already
been digested.

Aren't you supposed
to be at work now?

Well,
I needed a break,

So I came here
to buy more blech.

It's pronounced "bleach."
aisle one.

Hey, hey, hey.
Slow down.

I'm not ready to go
back to arwin yet.

I'm gonna hang out,

Eat a little snack,

Maybe see what's on tv.

Oh, hey, let's see
what's on sneaker-sionvi

Aah!

Cody!

Why are you
out of uniform?

I'm not cody.

[gasps] are you some sort
of alien replicant?

Aah!

How many of you
are there?

Relax, wayne.
We're twins.

Th oboyou?

I thought my boss
was a goofball.

In the good way.

Hey,ody. C

You know anye
lookin' for a job?.

Stupid blech.

Nope. No one
comes to mind.

Ducky's afraid.

Don't be a chicken,
ducky.

Oh! There. I was in.

Great lesson.
Thanks. Bye!

Don'worr ok?T
you'll be fine.

No, help, help!
I'm drowning,
I'm drowning!

Hey, you're
not certified.

London, london.
Just stand up.

[gasps] lance!
You saved my life.

It's what I do.

Now that you trust me
to take care of you,

You don't need duckie
anymore, right?

I guess not,

But will you make
quack-quack sounds

When I squeeze
your head?

I'll try.

Ow.

Close enough.

Ok. Why don't we
work on your back float?

No, I'm afraid.

Just relax.
I'll hold you.

Oh, wow, this is
kind of nice.

Almost like--
like floating.

Um, you are.

And if you'd move,

You'd be swimming.

Oh, oh, I'm swimming,

I'm swimming,
I'm swimming!

Lance, you're
a miracle worker.

[duck quacks]

Here you go, boss.

Here's your...Bleach.

You left yesterday.

I was about to file
a missing little
persons report.

Well, I got side-tracked
at the market.

Do you know chick peas
don't come from chickens?

Oh, come on.
Next you're gonna tell me

Crabapples don't come
from crabs.

You know, I'm not sure,

But I could go back
to the market
and ask cody.

No, no, no, no, no!
I still have much
to teach you.

An engineer
must be vigilant.
Arwin?

He must be aware
of everything

That's going on
around him.
Arwin?

He must know his hotel

Like a man knows
the woman he loves,

Even though she's
too busy with

Her nightclub act--

Arwin, look.

Holy dutch boy,
we sprung a leak!

Why didn't you
tell me?

Uh, get some--
get some duct tape.

No problem. I'll just
run over to the market.

Yeah, and also
get some sponges,
and a mop,

And a
"slippery when wet" sign.

Well, that's
the last of the pie.

We need to sell
another story

To the global enquirer.

I was abducted
by aliens.

Yeah.

Too bad they
gave you back.

Good news, girls.

Cabin escaped
last night,

So we get pillows!

[cell phone rings]

Hello?
London: Maddie?

Oh, hey, london.

I've got
a big problem.

I almost kissed
this hot guy.

He works for
the hotel.

Ooh, you're in love
with a tipton employee?

Scandalous.

Ka-ching.

Oh.

Oh.

Tired, hungry, thirsty.

Ahh!

Hey, arwin.

Oh, hi, carey.

Where's zack?

He forgot his lunch.

Oh, he just
went to the market.

He'll be back soon.

Yeah, he just left, um,

About, uh, hours ago.

Market's around
the corner.

Well, he probably
just got stuck
in that revolving door.

I know I do.

Or maybe he's
taking advantage of you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

He just has
a tendency to be
a little tardy,

And leave early,

And not work
when he's here.

Arwin, you're his boss.
You need to lay down the law.

You're right.

Zack needs to know
who's in charge.

[giggling]

Ok, I really need
to fix this leak.

Oh, here, try this.

[sighs]

Ok, let's start
with the breast stroke.

This is how
your arms should move.

Can you help me?

Ok, here.

Just go like this.

Try it like this.

All right?

Just, you know,
stay back and...

Uh...

Ok, you know what?
I think we've done
enough swimming for today.

Then maybe you can
show me some rescuing stuff,

Like...
The kiss of life.

Ok. Well, what you do is,
you pinch the nose.

Yeah.

Tilt the head back...

Oh, just kiss me,
you fool.

No! Ok,
this is wrong.

No, you're
doing great.

I mean you and me.

Won't your boyfriend
be upset?

What boyfriend?

The global inquirer says
you're in love

With one of
your employees.

How do they find out
these things?

So it's true.

He big biceps

And the buzz cut?

No. It's the lifeguard
with the dreamy eyes

And curly brown hair.

Hate that guy!

It's you.

Ooh! Cool.

Here you go, arwin.

Here's your tape.

The market was out,
so I--

I just kinda grabbed some
from your officethank goodness.

Oh, whoo!

I can finally put
my arm down.

[groans]

Ok, that's
not working.

Ahh.

-Dokey, then, uh,

I guess if that's
all you ne,

I'm just gonna be
on my way,

Oh, no, no.
Not so fast, young man.

You and I need to have
a serious ta.

Now, your work

Has been slightly shy...

Of e
ellent.

Oh, I'm sorry I just
blew up like that!

Sometimes I just
completely lose control.

It's ok, arwin.

You know what? Um,

Ybe I have been
slkin'acff a bit.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, , nono.

You have been slacki off
e pethect amount.

I mean, sure, it would
ne ouifouldno.

Occasionally
hand me a wrench.

Ah! Rse my acid tongue!

You knt, ahain?
Make a point.

How about today
I stay for a full hour

You are the greatest.

Ll you what.
Why don't you just, uh,

Change this pool filter
and take the rest of the day off

And try to forget about
my ruthless tirade.

Great. Whatever you sayss.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go, uh,

Sign up for some
anger management classes.

All righty.

[sighs]

Oh, ow. I got a paper cut.

Well, I can't let
this get infected,

So I'd better run
over to the ma
get a bandage.

Wow. This london tipn
togossip thing

Is a gold mine.

Kidding. We sell
one more sry atout her,

And we canffor a
this hot.
Ooh.

Hey, guys.

Where's my bunk?

I carried it down
to the lake.

Do you like
our new sofa?

Ll, wes,
it actually--

Where'd that tv
come from?

Did you guys rob a bank
du nap time?

Absolutely not.

That would violate
my probation.

Believe it or not,

We earned the money
foisr
fair andquar s

Ah. You're the last person
m goi'a believe,

Miss "I huut withthloch ness mo"

Ll, weis is .

We betrayed your
frieip with london

Her secrets
to the,global enqrer.

W yooo
to tell the h?

And itls
kinda go

I can't be
eu leaked lons
secrets to the press.

I mean, it's despicable.
It's heinous.

[cell phone rings]
it's her.

Hey, london.

Look, I had nothing
to do with it.

London: Yes, you did.

Because of your advice,

Everything has worked out
between me and lance.

You're dating fish boy?

Yes, and we're
happy as clams.

I mean, before people
rip them out of their shells

And dip them in sauce.

I'm so happy
for you, but...

There's something
you should know.

Massage chair.

Karaoke machine.

What I'm trying
to say is--

You know, maddie,
you could have
a boyfriend, too,

If you ever did something
with that rat's nest
you call hair.

No whadid w,u
want to say?

That you can always
confide in me.

So, tell me all about
you and fish boy.

[whispering]
write this down.

I can't go
into the big pool.

Other people have been
in that water.

It's got poor people
germs.

Don't worry,
we have a filter.

Poor people germs
can't afford to get through.

Ok, but do you promise
to jump in

And give me mouth to mouth?

You won't need rescuing.

Who cares?

I've never seen someone
take hours

Just to buy a bandage.

Well, I wanted to make
the right choice.

There was waterproof,
extra adhesive,

Antibacterial--

You went with the ones
with little puppies on them.

This one has
a little nurse's hat.

Yeah, well, shouldn't you
be getting back to work?

No. I can't
take it anymore!

I wish they were hiring
where you work.

Yeah, you and me both.

Well, I gotta go.
My favorite show is on--

Chunky mcwilliams.

Chunky: Aw, I did it again.

Oh, that chunky.

Hey, partner.

Have any problems
changing that filter?

Filter?

You didn't do it?

If that filter
isn't changed in time,

The entire plumbing system
will get backed up
into the--

Eww!

Pool.

Moseby!

[groans]

I just dove into
feet of goo.

Who is responsible
for that?

Arwin, who is
responsible for that?

I am, mr. Moseby.

I forget to replace
the filter.

Well, fix it!

And you will pay
for the damages.

And you'll be
receiving a bill
from my dry cleaner,

And my facialist,

And my very dirty duckie.

Isn't she hot
when she's hot?

Look, arwin,
thanks for taking
the blame for me, man.

I promise tomorrow--
you know what? Just...

Just don't talk
to me anymore.

It was bizarre, mother.

I went to clean the pool,
and it was already clean

Sparkling, even.

You know, like when
I wax your head

Before we put
your wig on?

Actually, arwin,

I cleaned the pool.

Hold on, mother.
By yourself?

Uh, mother,
I have to go. Uh-huh.

Um, uh...

Macaroni and cheese
with the smiley faces.

And I also
told mr. Mos

The slud
was au

And don't worry about
the damages.

Every cent is coming
out of my...

Mom's paycheck.

Well, thanks, buddy.
It takes a big man

To give up his mother's
money to help a friend.

Anyway,
I'm--I'm really sorry.

Apology accepted.

Now, let's get
back to work.

Actually, arwin,
I think you should fire me.

What? U kiyoing?

Today's the day
we get to scrape

The bird droppings
off the roof.

Oh, well, I n't doink
I deserve to he
avthat much fun.

Oh, sure you do.

Oh!

I forgot my dirty-birdy
scraper at home. Hmm.

Well, I guess we'll
just have to use our hands.

No!

Whoa. Check out this week's
global enquirer.

"london tipton
dating fish boy."

What? She won't date me,

But she'll date someone
with gills?

Well, hey there,
buddy.

Are you getting
taller?

Well, actually--
can I borrow some money?

No. You have a job.

I'm not really working
for arwin anymore.

If he asks, I moved
to lake tenaca.

Excuse me.
Where's the bread?

In aisle ,

But I'd stock you
in aisle ,

'cause that's where
we keep the hot tamales.

[whistles] smooth.

How did you know
all that?

Well, I guess I spent
so much time hidin' here

From arwin that I
picked up a few things.

Very impressive.

If you want a job,
you've got one here.

Really? I accept.

Great! We finally filled
that position

That's been open
all week.

All week?

Didn't I mention that?

I cabelit e
you didn't know

Your twin was
looking for a job.

Yeah, I can't
believe it, either.