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03x21 - Let Us Entertain You

Posted: 12/09/21 09:12
by bunniefuu
Ok, guys, dinner.


Uh, mom?

The macaroni's
a little underdone.

So's the cheese.

Oh, guys.
I'm sorry.

Moseby's got me doing
extra shows.

Last night, it was a busload
of German tourists.

I oompahed till
I couldn't oomp again.

you need a vacation.

And by you,
I mean we.

Let's go to the
pawtucket aquarium!

I hear
they just opened

their "swim with the
jellyfish" attraction.

They won't sting you

if you cover yourself
in whale urine.

I'd rather get stung.

♪ here I am in your life ♪

♪ here you are in mine ♪

♪ yes, we have
a suite life ♪

♪ most of the time ♪

♪ you and me,
we got the world to see ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ just me and you
know what to do ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ it's you and me ♪

♪ and me and you ♪

♪ we got the whole place
to ourselves ♪

♪ you and me,
we got it all for free ♪

♪ so come on down ♪

♪ this is the suite life ♪

♪ we've got a suite life ♪

[Knock on door] London: Come in!

Ok, London, I need you to
put your thinking cap on.

Oh, I don't have
a thinking cap.

I have
a thinking tiara.

Good. Put that on,

because we need to come
up with a new topic

♪ for your next webisode ♪

[Gasps] Me!

Ok. Uh,

but maybe we could
come up with something

other people
might be interested in.

[Gasps] Me!

Ok. Something not
in this room.


Ok. Apparently, the thinking
tiara is not working.

London, your show
reaches so many people.

I mean, haven't you
ever thought about

using it to help
the less fortunate?

You're talking about
yourself, aren't you?

Even less fortunate.

Is that possible?

Yes, I see
your frugal family fun pack

only includes bathroom tokens.
Now, is that per day?

Per week.

Good news, mom

oh, me, too!
We're going to

the world's largest
ball of twine.

But while we're there,
no liquids.

[Imitates carey]
Never mind.

Mom, forget the twine.

We are going on a cruise
to the Caribbean.

Great idea, honey.

Zack, you fill up
the bathtub.

Cody, you blow up
the inner tube.

I'll f*re up
the s.S. "Imagination."

No. No, mom,
you don't get it.

It's a real luxury cruise
liner, the s.S. "Tipton."

We got a special deal because--

I'm a tipton employee.
Why didn't I think of that?

I can't believe we're
going on a real vacation!

Actually, mom--
I better get my swim suit.

I better h*t
the treadmill.

♪ I can't believe that I don't
have to sing for a whole week ♪

♪ no singing ♪

When are we going
to tell her

that the cruise is only
free if she sings?

Right after
the boat leaves the dock.

And that's how
you f*re your maid.

Good luck, sweetie.

Now, as you know,
here at "yay, me!"

We care
about poor people,

except those who can't fluff a pillow.

What are you doing?
Helping my viewers.

Well, it doesn't
make you look good.

I know.
Back with the f*ring.

So, for our next show, we'll be
doing a telethon for hours...

In a row!

And that's right. All
donations will be going

to South street mission
to help feed the hungry.

And boy,
do they need our help.

I went down there
and tried their soup--ugh!

News flash--
brown is not a flavor.

[Foghorn bl*ws]

This is so cool!

And huge.

I can't believe something
this humongous can float.

Although that's
the same thing I said

when I saw aunt Martha
in the pool.

Look at
all these activities.

You could get
a relaxing seaweed wrap.

I love you. I love you!

I love you.

Good. [Chuckles] We're
going to bank that.

Welcome aboard!
I'm miss klotz.

You must be
Carey Martin.

And this must be
Zack and Cody.

aren't they cute, huh?

You spoke
to Mr. moseby?

At length.
Remember, boys,

the prison on a ship
is called the brig.

That was mildly scary.

I've got your room
key right here.

You'll be staying in
the king Neptune suite.

Ooh. Do I get
my own bedroom?

And bathroom.
I love you!

Oh. Oh.

And I love you!

We all love each other.

Can't wait to see you tonight at
"the concert under the stars."

Oh! Do I have
to buy tickets?

Yeah, like we're going
to make you pay. [Laughs]

I even get complimentary
show tickets!

I love you! I love you!

I love you.

Can we get that
in writing?

[Indistinct chatter]

Whoa. Babes to port.

Babes to starboard.

Babes to...

The back.

It's called
the stern.

Well, that girl has the
greatest stern I've ever seen.


do you think I put on
too much sunscreen?




It's ok. I landed on
these cushions. [Grunts]

Those aren't cushions!

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
May I help you up?

No! You've done enough.

Guys, this cruise
is fantastic.

Do you know they serve a meal
between breakfast and brunch?

Where is it?

Right here.

I am so happy. You know,
right now, back in Boston,

I'd be getting ready
to do a show tonight.

Oh, hey, hey, mom.
Hey, do you know...

That they have skeet
sh**ting on the fiesta deck?

They have it.

You know, I've always
wanted to sh**t a skeet.

Then let's go.
Let's go.

Well, actually,
I think it's this way.

Oh, no, no--oh.

What is my picture
doing up there?


They take pictures
of people,

and, uh...Pick
the prettiest passenger

of the day.

Congratulations, mom!



And then,
they ask her to sing?

Well, thank goodness

you have such
a good voice.

Now, I'm going to use it
to yell at you.

Oh, we're sorry, mom,

but this was
the only way that

we could afford
this vacation.

If I have to sing, then
it's not a vacation.

Well, it is for us.

And it's a vacation
for you, too.

You just have to do
one show at : .

And another at : .

And "the midnight songs
for lovers" show.

And the Sunday
singles mixer.

And the Mr. silver fox

And you have to have
dinner with the winner.

So, you're saying

the only free time I
actually have is right now.

Attention. Carey Martin will
now host our limbo contest!


How low can you go?

You are the most--

[foghorn blasting]

Uh, mom?

You might not want to strain
your voice before the show

all right, now. These phones are
going to be ringing off the hook.

Uh, girls?
I have bad news.

Not now, moseby.

I don't like being bummed
out before my broadcast.

It messes up
my "yay, me!" Smile.

Look, you're not going to have any
performers for your telethon tonight.

[Gasps] See that?

Now, I've got
a "boo, you" frown.

The blizzard has closed
all the roads.

None of your acts
can get here.

There's a blizzard?

Yeah, there is. Yeah.

This is terrible!

I know. The hungry homeless
are relying on us.

No. I mean I wanted
to meet the dog act--

the stupendous shih tzu.

Ok. Ok. We'll just have to fill in
for the acts until the storm stops.

Who wants to be
the shih tzu?

No! No! No!

A thousand times no.

Aww. Come on,
little fella.

Who's a good puppy?


Please, Mr. moseby?
It's for a good cause.

Oh, all right.

As long as I don't have to
do anything too humiliating.

Don't worry. You just have
to jump through this hoop...

this sparkly skirt!


f*re up the hoop!

[Flame roars]

Miss klotz, hah. Funny story.
You're going to laugh.

Oh, goodie.
I love to laugh.

Ok. Um, see...

My sons agreed
that I would sing

without telling me.

Ooh. Not laughing.

Hope you're a better singer
than you are a comedian.


Heh. That's actually
really my point--

is that
I'd rather not sing.


No problem.

Good luck floating
back to Boston.

Um, ok.

Maybe could I pay
for my room?

Oh, lovely.

Here's the rate for
the king Neptune suite.

Holy mackerel.

Oh, no, no. Here's the rate
for the holy mackerel suite.

Don't you have anything
less expensive?

Oh! Oh, great.
A store room.


What do you think
they store in here?


And, apparently,
barnacle poison.

Off limits, boys.

So they moved us
to the lower deck.

At least we have
a port hole.



[Carey grunts]

And you got
your seaweed wrap.

Please welcome, direct
from the Beijing circus,

the flying wangs!

there's just one wang.

[London gasping]

Remember, there is no net.


All: Ooh! Oh!

Uh-oh! I almost fell!


Wow, wang! That was
weally wonderful!

I bet that will get
the tot board spinning.

After hours,
we have raised...

[Plays fanfare]

Wow! Look at
all those zeroes!

How much is that,


Well, in the next hour,
let's try to double that.

That would still be zero.

Then, let's triple it.

In our next act, I'm going
to slap London silly.

I mean, sillier.

Oh, look! I think someone
is making a pledge.

Ooh, is there a donor
on the phone, Marie?

Huh? I'm just checking
my messages.

All right. Ok.

Our next guest is food
sculptor Pierre feinstein,

who will build the eiffel
tower out of French fries.

Who's going to be Pierre?

Hi, Pierre!

Move over!

You move over!

Will you hush up?
You'll wake the rats.

You know what? If it's going
to make you be quiet,

then I will sleep--

Shifting the entire bed!

Stop it! This position
isn't any better.

Well, here's one position
we haven't tried.


Honey, are you ok?

Ugh. Yeah.

But next time
I bunk with him,

I'm bringing
a parachute.

Phew. I'll just make
myself a little bed.

You know,
when life gives you lemons,

make lemonade.


[Dogs barking]

He got you
right in the lemon.

What are you doing?

The kennel
is overcrowded.

enjoy the cruise.

Thanks a lot.

I was talking
to the dogs.

[Barking continues]

[Imitates Spanish accent]
Hola, everybody.

My name is seora blintzes,
and this is pepe.

Say hola, pepe.


Because you're a dummy.

[Gasps] Well, you're a pogo
stick with a cheap haircut.

Ok. Why don't we check
the tot board?

[Plays fanfare]

How can we be
minus $ ?

I ordered out
for pizza!

But the roads are closed.
They can't deliver.

[Plays fanfare]

Back to zero!
Yay, us!

Oh, pack it in, pepe.

Come on, people.
Open your hearts!

Our operators are eager
to take your call.

Ugh. That stupid snoring dog
kept me up all night.

Well, when it comes
out of that end,

it ain't called snoring.


Ok, guys,
here you go.


The big plates are for
full-fare passengers only.

Here are the plates
for the sardine suite.

a heartless woman.

Ooh. Didn't bother me when
my ex-husbands said it.

Doesn't bother me
when you say it.


You've been divorced

Oh, no, no. Widow.


Use your hips
as a fulcrum.

Oh, I'm losing.
I'm losing it.

[All talk at once]


All: Ohh.

You like sleeping
with the dogs?

Let's see how you like
sleeping with the fishes.

Oh! Now--guys.

Why don't we go back
for seconds?

There we go.

One trip only.

Ok. All right.
Wait. Please,

please, please.
Please, wait.

All right.
I'll sing. You win.

Enjoy the big plates.


[All talk at once]


Look! Dolphins!


Let's hear it for Polly
and her amazing plates.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm exhausted.

Way to maintain
the illusion, Polly.

Put a cork in it,
boxer boy.


Oh! I'm logging off.

[Computer clicks
and beeps]

[Gasps] Hey!

We're already
logged off!


We lost the Internet

. hours ago?

[Gasps] The blizzard must
have knocked it out.

Or the snowstorm!

Ugh! I can't believe we
didn't even help the homely.

They're not homely.
They're homeless.

Have you seen them?

You know, we should
have just given them

the French fries.

Wait a minute.
That's a great idea!

There's so much food here at
the tipton that goes to waste.

That's true.

You know,
once or twice a week,

we should bundle that up
and give it to the hungry.

Yes! Let's do it!

Ok, as soon as
the roads open up,

we'll all go down
to the shelter.

[All talk at once]

Yay, us! We're going to
help the Hungarians!

All: Hungry!

Mom, we had a great day.

We played ping-pong.
And got a massage.

And went swimming.
Ooh, and got a massage.

And met a couple
of cute girls.

Who gave us
a massage.

I think I'd like
to live here.

What did you do, mom?

I fell asleep
in the sun.

that white circle?

I was eating a donut.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ok, that hurts.

Well, if you can't
even take one step,

how are you going
to sing tonight?

And if you can't
sing tonight,

we're going to end up
back in that kennel.

Then there's only
one thing to do.

miss klotz overboard?

Ok. things.

Man over p.A.:
Ladies and gentlemen,

the s.S. "Tipton" is proud
to present Carey Martin!

[Jazz playing]

Wow, what a good-looking crowd.

Especially you,
doll face.

♪ If you're feeling
weary, baby ♪

♪ sail away
with me ♪

♪ let your cares
just drift away ♪

♪ upon the seas ♪

♪ won't you pack
your bags? ♪

♪ you've got nothing
to lose ♪

Both: ♪ we're going
to have a great cruise ♪

♪ I will hold
you close, dear, ♪

♪ as we dance
beneath the skies ♪

♪ feel the breeze
caresses us ♪

♪ as I gaze
into your eyes ♪

♪ won't you take
my hand? ♪

♪ you're the one
that I choose ♪

Both: ♪ we're going
to have a great cruise ♪

Yes, you and me, baby.

♪ We're going
to have a-- ♪

♪ we're going to have
a great cruise ♪


♪ Bon voyage ♪

What are you doing?

Lighting up the
night with music.

And entertaining
this lovely audience.

h*t it, boys!
No, no. No.

Do not h*t it, boys.

You h*t it,
I h*t you.

Give me
that microphone.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am very
sorry about this amateur display.

I'm going to drop you
on an island so small,

you're going to have
to take turns standing on it.

Look, miss klotz, we're
really, really sorry,

but we had to do this.
Our mom can't sing.


What he means is,
she's a great singer,

but she's
so badly sunburned

that she can
barely move.

Audience: Ooh.

Wave to the folks, mom.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh! So that's
where my donut went.

Since she always does
everything for us,

we figure
this could be

one little thing that
we could do for her.

Audience: Aww.

Oh, oh. Oh. I cannot believe
you are buying this bilge.

[Booing and hissing]

Wow, looks like
the bilge has been bought.

Your move, klotz.

Let them sing!

All: Yeah!
[Cheering and applause]

Of course I'm going
to let them sing.

They'll do in a pinch.

Both: Ohh!

h*t it, boys.

[Jazz playing]

♪ If you're feeling
weary, baby ♪

♪ sail away
with me ♪

♪ let your cares
just drift away ♪

♪ upon the seas ♪

♪ won't you pack
your bags? ♪

♪ you've got nothing
to lose ♪

Both: ♪ we're going
to have a great cruise ♪

[Cheering and applause]