Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
I got something to
add to the conversation.
If a 100-megaton warhead
detonated over
the city of Boston,
the results
would be so horrific
that the survivors
would envy the dead.
We weren't having
a conversation, Cliff.
Well! Then food for thought.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hi, guys.
Hey, there he is! All right,
a star is born! The
man of the hour.
Oh, Woody!
Woody, you opened last
night in Arsenic and Old Lace.
Why didn't you tell
me so I could go?
I did tell you, Miss Howe.
I told you dozens of times and I
sent you an
invitation with a cute,
little cartoon of
me drawn on it.
You said you were
going to be there
and I reserved a seat
for you in the front row.
Oh!
Then I was sick.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are
you feeling better?
Hmm, so-so.
Well, it's probably best
you didn't come last night.
I've still got to
iron out a few bugs.
Well, all I can
tell you, Woody, is
that Ma loved the play.
Yeah, I mean, there's
something about the idea
of sweet old ladies being
cold-blooded murderesses.
Just seemed to
tickle her funny bone.
All the way home she
just laughed and laughed.
Matter of fact, I
woke up at 3:00 a.m.,
and there she was sitting
in my room in a rocking chair
rocking back and
forth, staring at me
and making this
low, guttural chuckle.
Boy, does she love the theater.
Hi, guys.
Carla, your psychic called.
Madame Lazora called me?
Yeah, she's coming by today.
Madame Lazora is coming by?
Maybe she just
wants to say hello.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
Madame Lazora
does not just say hello.
She must have had a horrible
premonition of me getting
hurt or k*lled or...
or pregnant. Hmm.
Look, Carla, if you're
really concerned what this
charlatan has to say,
why don't you just call her?
Yeah, you're right, Doc.
I might as well
just get it over with.
Wait a minute.
What if she was calling me
to warn me to keep
away from telephones?
What if she's
seen a vision of me
horribly d*sfigured in
a telephone accident?
Carla, don't be ridiculous.
Woody, you okay?
Oh, I don't know, Mr. Peterson.
Uh, this is bad.
I can't breathe.
I can't move.
Hey, Woody, your review is out.
It is?!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
I can't wait to read it!
I'm gonna make copies
and send them to my mom!
Oh, here, here. Here
you read it, Mr. Peterson.
I'm too nervous.
Well, he likes it!
Hey! "A charming romp."
"A charming romp"!
He likes the cast.
"A deft ensemble."
Ooh, good! "Deft ensemble."
Uh, what does he say about me?
And he sort of goes on and on.
No, no, go ahead,
read it. I can take it.
"Woody Boyd is weak."
"Weak"? Is that all?
Not handsome and weak?
Well, Woody, you
know what they say,
"There's no such
thing as bad press
as long as they spell
your name right."
Actually, it says
"Woody Doyb is weak."
Oh, Madame Lazora.
I sense the tortured anguish
of many lost souls
screaming for release.
Uh, that's probably me.
I had kielbasa for breakfast.
Madame Lazora, let me go
get Carla; she's gonna
want to see you right away.
She's been kind of worried.
I sensed she would be worried.
How did she know?
Amazing.
Oh, Carla.
Darling, I must talk to you.
Please sit down.
Sam, just stay with me.
I'm really scared.
All right. Okay.
All right, here we go.
Just tell me it's going
to be quick and painless.
I don't understand.
You don't foresee a
hideous disaster in my future?
Of course I do, but
that's not why I'm here.
Oh, then why?
I have decided to retire
and move to Florida
at the end of the year.
I see myself on Miami Beach
with those muscular cabana boys.
See? I told you there's
nothing to worry about.
"Nothing to worry about"?
Madame Lazora has been
my spiritual advisor
since I was 17 years old.
Without her my life would've
been a complete disaster.
Honey, I thought your...
Well, it could have been worse.
Sam, you're smothering me here.
Get the lady a drink. You...
I'd like a beer, please.
Oh, wow, she read my mind.
Madame Lazora,
if you retire, what
am I supposed to do?
Who am I going to turn to?
Who are all your
clients going to turn to?
You.
And why me?
Because Princess
Katya said it would be so.
Princess Katya said that?
Sam, did you hear that?
Princess Katya has
chosen me to take over
for Madame Lazora. Ah.
Well, who's Princess Katya?
She's Madame Lazora's
spirit guide.
Her contact from the other side.
Katya, she was a 17th-century
Romanian princess,
very much
misunderstood in her day.
The villagers hammered
a mask lined with spikes
onto her face and
b*rned her at the stake.
And to this day, that woman
still keeps her sense of humor.
Well, you, you've
got to admire that,
don't you?
Princess Katya thinks
I have spiritual gifts?
She knows.
And tonight,
when I return, all the secrets
of the spirit world will
be revealed to you.
Well, why can't
we start right now?
I have to get my teeth cleaned.
We all have many lives,
but only one set of teeth.
Whoa! I'm gonna be a psychic!
Who could have predicted that?
I guess I better
start practicing.
Sam, I'm going
to read your mind.
Okay? Think of
something. Right now?
Yeah. Okay.
Okay.
You're thinking
about your car. Nope.
You're thinking about some babe.
Nope. Oh, wait a minute.
Give me a minute. I can do this.
Just give me a chance.
You're thinking about your hair.
Nope.
Come on, Sam, that's everything
you ever think about!
That's not true. I think
about other things.
Yeah? Like what?
Well, I was thinking
about what happened
at the end of
Planet of the Apes.
I fell asleep.
Uh, uh, Sammie, Chuck Heston
found the decayed ruins
of the Statue of Liberty.
What are you saying?
You're saying he was on
Planet Earth the whole time?
Whoa!
Man, I wasn't even close.
I guess I'm just fooling myself.
What a prize dork,
thinking I had the power.
Oh, come on, just 'cause you
didn't get it the first time?
Come on, let's do it
again. What's the use?
Come on, I wasn't concentrating.
We both weren't concentrating.
Now, let's... come
on, let's do it.
Okay. I'm going to
do it one more time.
Just... you've got
to just relax though,
Sam, okay?
All right, mmm.
I see something.
It's you.
And you're young.
And, uh, it's summer.
And there's an animal, a pet.
You had a pet, didn't you, Sam?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
And you loved him very much.
Yeah, I did love him.
Suddenly this is all so clear!
Frasier, I see you,
as a young boy,
reading all those books
and not having any friends.
Norm, I see you,
having lots of friends
and not reading any books.
And, Cliff, I see you.
Sam. Sam, there's more. Yeah?
That pet...
It's a Labrador named Sparkey!
And he's running to a woman.
It's your mother!
Her black hair is waving
in the wind! Oh, my God!
This is so incredible! Huh?!
Madame Lazora was right!
I am gifted!
I am a seer!
Marry that girl.
Quit that job!
I have the power!
How do you explain
that, Dr. Crane?
Why ask me, Woody? I mean...
Do I know something
that no one else knows?
I mean, we all saw what we saw.
I mean, do you enjoy
having me explain
every little thing that happens?
You know, I mean,
"Let's ask the
esteemed Dr. Crane.
Yeah, see, he'll know."
Well, I'm sorry, Woody.
I have no answer for you!
Frankly, I'm, I'm
downright scared.
To tell the truth, I got, I
got a little creeped out
when she got that dog's name.
Frasier, Frasier...
Calm down, man, I, I lied.
I just didn't want
to hurt her feelings.
I knew that.
Sam, can I have a, a scotch?
Oh, excuse me.
I'm-I'm looking for Woody Boyd.
Oh, no!
What is it?
It's my director, Lee Bradken.
Uh, is Woody Boyd here?
Tell him I'm not here.
I'm sorry, Mr. Bradken,
he's not here.
How did you know my
name was Bradken?
Tell him it was a lucky guess.
Lucky guess.
Who's that person
crouching by the
side of your leg?
Okay, give me a
minute on this one.
Woody, what do you mean
by saying you're not going
to do the show tonight?
Okay, I'm sorry, Mr. Bradken.
You're too smart for me.
Not that my partner
gave me a lot of help.
It's just, I read that
scathing review, and I...
I just don't think I
can face an audience.
I'm not saying your
performance was weak, Woody,
but if it was... and it was...
Then maybe, that's
because, as an actor,
you're afraid to examine
your-your own feelings.
Here, I want you
to do an exercise.
Write down your true feelings
as they come to you, okay?
Now, how do you feel right now?
I feel weak.
Not what other
people tell you to feel.
Do you really feel weak?
I feel strong.
Darned right you do.
And how do you
feel about that critic?
Am angry.
So? How are you gonna get even?
TP his house.
No.
By giving the best
performance you can give.
Look, I talked the critic into
coming back tonight, Woody.
If you can change his mind,
he'll say so in
tomorrow's column.
Now, Woody, how do you
feel about going on tonight?
Feel great!
And how do you feel
about your fellow actors?
Am better than other actors.
Well, Woody...
Can direct better than Bradken.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
You've still got
a long way to go.
I'll see you tonight.
"Is jealous of my
youth and good looks."
Guys, it's gonna be so cool
being a spiritualist.
Oh.
Poor Carla.
It's gonna break her heart
when she sees that
she can't read the future.
Well, she must be
able to, Miss Howe.
She filled out her time
card for the whole week.
She's gonna work 80 hours
between now and Friday!
That is eerie!
Are you ready to receive
the spirit of Princess Katya?
You bet I am.
I can't wait to quit
this penny-ante job
and start doing something
I'm more suited for.
Excellent. Now, all we need
is a nice, quiet, dark place
where we won't be disturbed.
No problem. I'll clear
out the poolroom.
Good.
Hey, isn't that Michelle
Pfeiffer out front?!
And who's she
with, Kevin Costner?!
Where?!
Where?!
Hey, Sammy?
Catch you later.
When you see me again,
I'm gonna be on a
higher astral plane.
Yeah, wait.
Come... Wait. Hold
on a second here.
You're not... You're not serious
about quitting Cheers, are you?
Because if you are... No,
you don't have to tell me.
I can read your mind.
You're afraid that
we're gonna grow apart,
and we're not gonna
be friends anymore,
because I'll be a psychic,
and you'll be a lowly bartender.
Honey, you remember when
you-you were reading my mind?
Well you-you didn't get as
much right as you thought.
Oh, yeah? What did I get wrong?
Everything.
But everything was so clear!
Well, okay, maybe I
didn't read your mind,
but I was definitely
reading somebody's mind,
because those images
were as clear as day.
Come on, Carla.
Okay. All right.
Who here had a
mother with black hair
and a Labrador retriever?
Come on!
I can't be the only one!
Oh!
Carla!
Princess Katya
and I are waiting.
Madame Lazora,
I-I can't do this.
I'm sorry, but I am just not
cut out for this kind of stuff.
Are you telling me
that Princess Katya
and I are wrong?!
I'm telling you that
I don't have any psychic powers.
I mean, I tried!
Problem is, you have no faith,
and without faith,
you are not worthy
to house the spirit
of Princess Katya.
I had such high hopes for you,
but now you're nothing but
an empty disappointment.
Farewell forever, Carla!
Lazora, halt!
I am Princess
Katya.
I am inside Carla.
Oh!
What happened?
Carla, you had faith,
and it happened!
It did?!
I did it!
I did it! Yes! Yes!
You're a natural!
And more and more, you
will be able to see the spirits
of the dead are all around you!
And very soon, you will see
them lingering in the shadows
of this very bar, just as I do.
Oh. That's just Lilith.
Everyone makes that mistake.
Oh.
All the tools you will need
are here in this carved box.
Precious crystals...
Windows to the unseen future.
The tarot cards...
Ancient diviners of fortune.
The I Ching coins...
Symbols of Oriental wisdom.
The moist towelettes.
You get a lot of trade off
the street in this business.
Hello? Hello?
What's that, a spirit?
No, no, no. That's
Bob, your first client.
I'll never forget
my first client.
Who was it?
Bob.
Madame Lazora, I-I'm
really not ready for Bob.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be here with you.
There's just one more
piece of information
you need to fully
understand your mission here.
Look, Madame Lazora,
you don't understand.
I have a terrible
confession to make.
Back in the bar,
Princess Katya didn't
really enter my body.
I was just faking it so that
I wouldn't disappoint you.
I don't have any psychic powers.
I am just an awful person.
I hope you don't hate me.
Oh, Carla, I'm so proud of you
for having the courage
to be honest with me.
Oddly enough, this relates
to the information I
was about to give you.
What's that?
I'm a complete fraud.
Now, we just have time to
work on your spooky voice.
What?
Your spooky voice.
You have to learn
to speak lower...
Talk more from the diaphragm.
You're a fraud?
All these years you've
been leading me on?
Hi.
Oh, hello, Bob.
I want you to meet your
new spiritual advisor...
Madame Carla.
Hello, Madame Carla.
Hello, Bob.
Madame Carla...
study Bob's aura.
Tell me,
what do you see?
Can you see something?
Yeah, I can see something.
I can see that you're a sucker,
a big dope.
For 20 years you've
been forking over
your hard-earned cash
to a sleazy con artist.
You have been taken
in by the cheapest,
most obvious scam in the world
just because you
wanted to believe it.
I see that you should
wise up, chump.
That will be $50, please.
Yow, I wonder what's
wrong with Carla.
We all know what's
wrong with Carla,
but I'm the only one with
enough courage to say it.
Not enough bran.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Woody, how'd it go?
Oh, it was a great
performance, Sam,
and I actually got a chance
to talk to that
critic afterward,
and he said that I
was much improved.
Well. There you go.
Well, I can't wait
to go see you next week.
Oh, well, no, actually
I'm not in it anymore, Sam.
What happened?
Well, the other actors read
my notebook and got upset.
Well, Woody, people
can be very sensitive.
Well, I think they're
being a little oversensitive.
I mean, come on, Dr. Crane,
I mean, if you read
in my notebook
that you were a snobby,
know-it-all windbag,
would you be upset?
Yes, I probably would.
Oh.
I guess someone ought
to go talk to Carla, huh?
Allow me.
Carla, would you
like to talk about it?
No.
Well, then, would you like me
to show you the correct
fingering for "Greensleeves"?
She's a fake.
Madame Lazora is a fraud.
All these years she's
been nothing but a fake.
I am sorry, Carla.
I don't suppose this is
an appropriate moment
to say "I told you so."
No, this is the perfect
moment to say it.
I told you so.
I can't believe it.
I know I can, but then
again, I did tell you so.
All right, just give me
a minute to wallow.
I'm sorry.
I mean, if she's a fake,
then everything's a fake
and everything I ever
believed in is wrong.
I guess that's it.
I've got nothing left.
Game over.
Carla, Madame Lazora
is just one individual.
Don't give her the power
to destroy your
entire belief system.
You know, the mystic world
that's given you so much
comfort may very well exist.
You don't really believe that.
Of course I do.
Although if, if it doesn't
I-I'm logging in right
now to say "I told you so."
The truth is, no one knows.
What's your point?
That you should profit
from this experience.
You've graduated
from Madame Lazora.
You've become
a stronger Carla...
A smarter Carla...
One who's learned.
You want to know
what I've learned?
I've learned that a woman
with a funny voice and some
fancy scarves can charge
any stupid idiot 50 bucks
just to tell him what
he wants to know.
Hey.
What is it, Carla?
I got a scarf.
I can do a spooky voice.
Now, now, Carla.
Gather around, everybody,
and I will tell you of
the future for 50 bucks.
Carla, no.
You're right.
60 bucks.
Gather around, gather around.
Thanks, Fras.
Well...
I guess my work here is done.