10x04 - The Norm Who Came to Dinner

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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10x04 - The Norm Who Came to Dinner

Post by bunniefuu »

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

CLIFF: Hey, Doc.

What's with the getup?

As of this day, I am
changing my ways.

You know, not too long ago,

I used to be a healthy,
robust individual.

Then I set foot in this bar.

Started sitting around for hours
when I should have been jogging.

Started to gorge myself
on snacks and sweets

instead of health food.

Well, now that I'm
back on the road

to better health, I'm
taking you with me.

What, uh... what
do you mean, Doc?

Well, I've signed us up

for a physical fitness program.

Geez, I don't know, Doc.

Sounds like an awful,
awful lot of work.

Yeah, I already
took into account

your legendary sloth,

and to make it easier for you,

I've hired a trainer to
come here in person

to help you exercise.

We tried that once.

What, you had a trained athlete

who came here and...

and helped you work out?

Yeah.

Well, what happened?

Uh, hey, I don't know, ask him.

Uh, Paul?

Any you guys read
Andy Capp today?

(laughing)

(coughing)

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Okay, guys, hurry up

and get your lunch orders in.

Dip 'n Fry closes in 20 minutes.

Yeah, if we don't hurry,
they'll change the grease.

So, I... I can't seem to
make up my mind here.

Cliffie, every day you
stare at that damn menu,

and every day you
order the wing dings.

Well, maybe I would like

something different today, Norm.

Yeah, okay.

Sammy, I'm gonna have the, uh,

baked potato, please,

with, uh, sour cream and butter,

and, um, put some
cheddar on there, please.

Oh, and, uh, some jack cheese.

Bacon bits?

No, no, I'm watching
my cholesterol.

Cliffie?

I'll have the, uh...

wing dings.

(gasps)

Oh...

Isn't that precious?

I can hardly wait

till Sam and I have our baby.

Carla, do you think I'm

gonna make a good mother?

Nope.

What do you mean?

You asked me a question,
I gave you an answer.

Yeah, but I'm serious.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm
just being honest.

No, you're not being honest.

You're being mean.

Sometimes you get a two-fer.

So you are saying
that you don't think

that I can take care of a baby?

You kidding? I don't think you

could take care of an egg.

Oh, come on. No, really, really.

I'll bet you five bucks

you can't take care of this egg

until Friday night
at closing time.

Five bucks?

Yeah. You're on... thanks.

(splatters)

Okay, I was practicing.

Now, start!

Norm, are you busy?

Oh, good one. (giggles)

Thanks, I thought
of it last night

in the shower.

(laughs)

Norm? Yeah.

Frasier and I were wondering

if you would paint
our living room today.

Today? What's the rush?

Well, yesterday,
little Frederick

was playing fireman... Mm-hmm.

With the mustard and
ketchup squeeze bottles

and, uh, he put out
our living room wall.

He is a dickens.

I found it difficult to
keep a straight face.

Well, I'm really kind
of taking this week off.

From what?

From Vera... She's
visiting her mother.

Ooh, nothing serious, I hope.

No, no, no, no, they're
just changing that tire

that hangs from her ceiling.

(laughing)

I can take care of you guys.

I can use the work.

Let's go check it out.

Tell you what, I...

I think I can swing
the whole thing today

for, uh...

what do you say, $400?

Uh, that's a little
pricey, isn't it?

Uh, right, well,
say $200 and, uh,

you supply the
food and the beer?

$400, it is.

Say, Norm, what
kind of roller is that?

I don't know, Fras.

They have, uh,
different kinds of rollers?

Uh...

yeah, probably do.

Suppose, uh, some of them

are better than the others?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I suppose.

This one's okay,
though, Fras, trust me.

Oh, oh, yeah, no.

I was just wondering
about rollers.

Don't you have anything to do,
you know, like work or anything?

No, no, don't
have to work today.

And, Lilith doesn't
let me watch TV

during the daytime, so...

Say, is... can I help
you with anything?

I mean, stir the paint, maybe?

No, uh, they, uh...
they shook it up

over at the, uh, paint store.

Yeah, right, those,
uh, those machines

that, yeah, shake
the paint, yeah. Yeah.

Say, you know, that's...

I wonder who
invented that... that's...

There's a guy that really made

a worthwhile
contribution, you know?

I mean,

if he was a guy.

I mean, he could have
been a woman, I guess.

Isn't that interesting?
Oh, why would I assume

just right off that
that would be a man?

Frasier, I'm
starting to miss Cliff.

Right, right, right.

How's Norm doing?

Oh, fine, I guess.

(awkward laughter): Oh, say,

you know, Norm, the...
the guy on This Old House

says that you should apply paint

with, uh, vertical strokes.

Yeah, what's This Old House?

Well, it's a show on PBS.

What's PBS?

Tell me you didn't see
that coming a mile away.

Well, you know, I... I was just

trying to point out that,
uh, it seemed a little silly

for a... a television show
to waste all that, uh, air time,

um, explaining to
paint a certain way

when you can just
slap it on willy-nilly.

Look, I'd love to
stay here all day

and defend myself,
but I can't reach

that top spot so
I'm gonna go home

and get my big ladder.

Well, you could reach it

from the top of the ladder.

Oh, no, no, you see that, uh,

sticker on the ladder there?

You're not supposed
to go above that step.

Oh, come on, you're
just being a big baby.

Look, you're almost
done, and, uh,

you know, you don't want
it to dry two different colors.

Oh, don't tell me... the
guy from This Old House?

Well, look, if he
wasn't a professional,

he wouldn't be the guy
from This Old House,

he'd just be some
guy, all right?

Now, come on, get up
there. No, what, I'm...

I'm gonna get hurt,
fall down? No way!

Oh, all right, you big
baby, I'll do it myself.

Frasier, come on now.

Hand me that roller.

Frasier, relax, will you? Whoa!

Aah!

Okay, so maybe it
is a little hazardous.

Norm, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

All I can say is I
am so, so sorry.

What else can I say?

I know something
you can stop saying.

Here you are, Norm.

Oh, thank you.

FRASIER: Now, Norm, Norm, here,

don't lift up your
neck like that.

Remember what Dr. Feld said.

You've got a bruised disk

and you don't
want to aggravate it

by moving in any way.

Well, at least it won't
affect my lifestyle much.

Can you just drop me
off at home, Frasier?

Okay, Norm, just be careful.

No, no, we... we
can't take him home.

Vera's out of town.

Can you imagine
Norm just sitting there

all alone in his house,

helpless in front of the TV?

Hang onto your hat, but yes.

Look, Lilith,

the least I owe Norm is...

is the comfort of our home.

I mean, at least until
Vera comes back.

I see what this is.

You want your little
friend to stay over.

Well, he doesn't move much.

All right, if you clean up
after him, you can keep him,

but the first time I have
to do it, out he goes.

Do you hear that,
Norm? You can stay!

Say, listen, tell her you want

to watch some television.

800.

Literature.

808.83.

Short monologues.

Boy, Mr. Clavin, you sure know
your Dewey Decimal System.

(phone ringing)

Cheers.

Hey, guys, it's Norm.

ALL: Norm!

Hey, what's shaking, man?

(laughing)

Where's he come
up with these things?

That's great.

So how are you doing, huh?

Ooh, ouch.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, uh, we're gonna
miss you around here.

Take it easy.

Yeah, all right, bye-bye.

Poor guy... whoa. What?

Threw his back out over
at, uh, Frasier's house.

Can't move... Lilith's
taking care of him.

Ooh, poor Norm. Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I hope... hope
it's not serious.

I mean, if anything,
uh, happened

to the big guy, I don't
know what I'd do.

Yeah, it's too bad it
takes something bad

to happen for us to
really appreciate him.

Yeah, yeah,

it really makes you
stop and think, huh?

Flip you for his stool.

Heads.

Hey!

Lilith, um,

could you put a
head on this, please?

Norm, for two days now,

I've been seeing
to your every need.

I think it's time
we had a little talk.

Oh, great, could I go first?

'Cause there's something
I've been really wanting to say.

(takes deep breath)

Lilith, you and I are
very different people.

I mean, look at you.

You're successful, ambitious,

you've got a...

a great career, lovely family.

Me, I'm just a guy

who sits on a barstool

and hangs out all day
with his dorky friends.

I don't know, I guess
I've always sort of felt...

sorry for you.

The point I'm tryin'
to make here, Lilith,

is that even though
I don't understand

half the stuff you
guys talk about,

quantum physics and stuff... Oh.

Oh, quantum, that, that's easy.

Once you accept
the duality of light

as both a particle
and a wave... Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, whatever.

Who, who cares, really?

The point is, Lilith,

that I realize that you've
been trying to help me.

And I appreciate that.

And in the future,

I, for one, will not be so
quick to just blow you off.

Sadly, Norm, that's
one of the nicest things

anyone's ever said to me.

Thank you for that gift.

(doorbell rings) Oh,
uh, could you get that?

That's probably the
pizza that I ordered.

I had to put it on
your MasterCard.

Uh, thank you for that gift.

Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?

Hey, Lilith, how're ya doin'?

Normie! Cliffy!

Hey, how's it goin'?

Well, I was in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd stop in.

Yeah? You finished your route?

Well, no, they can wait.

Heck, there's, uh,

nothin' happenin' today.

Well, I, uh, the biggest
thing today is, uh,

some old lady wrote
some guy sayin'

that she was his natural mother.

It's a soap opera
out there, Norm.

Really? Yeah.

Well, well,

Norm and Cliff in my home.

Usually at this point I
wake up drenched in sweat.

Oh, now there's an image, huh?

Now, now, Cliffy.

Back off now, Cliff.

Lilith and I have been talking.

Turns out she's
just regular folks.

Sure. Sure she is.

Yeah, so, uh,

what's a guy gotta do to
get a drink around here?

(doorbell rings) Cliff,

this is not a tavern.

This is my home. Do
you see a bartender?

Do you see any beer?

Ho, there he is!

Sammy! All right!

Normie can't come to the beer,

then the beer comes to Normie!

All right! Hey, Lilith,

want to get us
some glasses there?

You know, Norm,
it's a little bit strange

watchin' TV at eye level.

You get used to it, though.

No, actually, you probably
won't get used to it, Cliff.

Remember, you're
just stopping by.

Oh, I don't know there, Lilith.

I mean, uh, Sam's
pourin', you got ESPN.

It's just like Cheers.

Yes, but it's not Cheers.

This is a private home, and
comfortable though it may be,

I'm sure you have
other things to do.

You know, Cliff, Lilith's right.

You've got your route to finish.

We'll be here when you get back.

Uh, gentlemen, I'm
afraid the party is over.

As enjoyable

as this has been,

I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.

Well, this must be the place.


He drives like a maniac.

How would you know?
You were playing

with my radio the whole way.

How can you listen
to that crap? Oh.

SAM: Hey, guys, huh?

What'll you have here?

How about a beer?
Oh, listen, everyone,

Norm needs peace and quiet.

For that matter,
so do Frasier and I.

So if you don't mind...

Wing dings!

Get 'em while they're hot!

Paul! Phil!

Good to see you. Say, listen,

those directions weren't
too complicated, were they?

Oh, no. Look, honey,

it's Phil and Paul!

May I see you in
the kitchen, darling?

(crash)

I'll just, uh,

I'll put in another batch.

(soul music playing)

Frasier.

Frasier.

Doctor, are you listening to me?

Yes, yes.

Now please continue.

I hate it when you do that.

Say, what time is it?

It's 1:00 in the morning,

and your friends
are still downstairs.

Oh, just try to
ignore it, Lilith.

It's only for a couple
more days. I will

not ignore it!

Now go down there
and get rid of them.

I can't, dear.

I'm the one that hurt Norm.

I feel responsible.

But you're not
responsible for the others.

Yeah, but, you don't
understand, dear.

You get one, you get them all.

It's like a hive mentality.

Norm must be their queen.

Get rid of them, now!

And if I don't?

Would you like to ever see
me naked again in the '90s?

You know, that would
be more effective

if you didn't use it every time

you ever want me
to do something.

♪ ♪

FRASIER: All right,
people, enough is enough.

(music stops) SAM:
Oh, come on, man.

(music resumes)

Stop it right now! (music stops)

I want you people
out of my house!

Gee, Lilith, what's wrong?

You've taken

advantage of our hospitality.

You should be
ashamed of yourselves.

Lilith, don't you think you're
overreacting a little bit?

(phone rings)

Cheers.

This is not Cheers.

Call back, huh?

And you!

I thought you were
getting rid of them.

Well, I asked them to
leave, and they said no.

You never asked
us to leave, Fras.

Shut up, Cliff, I'm
in a little pickle here.

I will not have my home
turned into a circus.

There is only one person

who has any right to be here.

Is it me?

Fat chance, mister!

I'm talking about Nor...

Where the hell is Norm?

Well, he said his
back was feelin' better

so he, uh, hit the bricks.

Yeah. I think he went to Cheers.

And you people are still here?

If you're not gone
by the time I get back,

Frasier, you're a dead man!

Do you hear me?

(door slams)

Carla...

I did it.

It's almost closing time,
and here's my little egg.

Safe and sound.

Pay up.

Darn the luck!

(sighs)

Say, uh, you don't have
change for a 20, do you?

Where did you
get all that money?

Well, I bet some of the guys

that I could make
you carry an egg

around the bar for
three days running.

I won 150 bucks.

Here's your five.

Go crazy.

The important thing
to remember here is

that I proved my point.

What did you prove?

That you could
take care of an egg?

(chuckles)

You know, babies are
a lot bigger and heavier.

Now, if you could, say, uh,

carry a watermelon...

say, between your legs,

from one end of
the bar to the other,

and cluck like a chicken,
now, that would prove

that you're ready
for motherhood.

Good night, Carla.

Here's your 20, Carla.

I thought she'd do it.

Norm!

Oh, no, Dr. Sternin-Crane,

you're supposed to yell "Norm"

when he comes in the door.

Don't worry.

It took me a little while
to get used to it, too.

What's wrong, Lilith?

What the hell are
you doing here?

Well, my back started
feelin' a lot better, and, uh,

I was really getting
kinda tired of those guys.

Norm, perhaps you'll
understand an analogy.

Have you ever had a dog

and the dog had fleas?

But then when the dog left,

your house was still infested?

Oh, yeah, that happened to me.

Only it wasn't a dog.

It was a pig.

And we had fleas
the size of golf balls.

Woody, I'm not interested.

I'm trying to have a
conversation with Norm.

Whoa, golf balls, huh?

It got so bad we had to
b*mb the whole house.

Wow.

Those flea bombs are great, huh?

What's a flea b*mb?

Stop it!

Just stop it!

I came by to tell you

that your behavior has
been unconscionably rude.

You let your friends
overrun my home,

and then when you leave,

you don't even have the decency

to take them with you.

That's all I have to say.

Good night.

Wait, wait, Lilith,
Lilith, wait a minute.

Now, look, you're
absolutely right,

and I'm sorry.

(sighs)

Well, you're up already.

You know, why
don't you just relax

and have a drink?

Well, come on. You-you took

care of me for two days.

The least I can do
is buy you a drink.

Come on, come on.

Look, you can sit on my stool.

Huh?

Yeah.

Woods, scotch.

I may as well.

My house is filled with
people who hate me.

They're all angry at me
because I spoiled the big party.

I'm the wet blanket.

I'm the drudge.

I'm the big party pooper.

Stop me when you disagree.

I will.

You know, Norm, you
may find this surprising,

but I'm somewhat
off-putting to most people.

No, no, it's, it's true.

I don't have many friends.

I've never been very
good at making friends.

I think it's easy, Lilith.

Um, you just have to
relax a bit, you know?

Just sort of loosen up.

You mean just be myself?

No.

Uh, you weren't listening.

Just relax.

Loosen up.

Okay, I'll try it.

(sighs)

Oh, wow, this feels much better.

See?

I've been looking
at this all wrong.

I'm going to go
back to my house,

and I'm going to be
the life of that party.

And it won't be
that disorganized,

carousing fun
they've been having.

It's going to be good,
clean, organized fun.

We'll play Pictionary,
then Boticelli,

then it's Charades till dawn.

I'll rush home and type
up a party schedule.

I'll make copies.

Oh, I wonder if they have a
copy center open at this hour.

I know.

Why not make a game
out of trying to find one?

Frasier, it's Norm.

Get out of the house
while you still can.
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