10x06 - Unplanned Parenthood

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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10x06 - Unplanned Parenthood

Post by bunniefuu »

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

(jukebox buzzing)

♪ ♪

♪ Got no diamonds,
got no pearls ♪

♪ Still I think
I'm a lucky girl ♪

♪ I got the sun in the morning
and the moon at night ♪

(in high pitched voice): ♪ Da, da,
da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Got no mansions,
got no yacht ♪

♪ Still I'm happy
with what I got ♪

♪ I got the sun in the morning
and the moon at night ♪

♪ I got the sun in the morning
and the moon at night ♪

♪ Sunshine gives
me a lovely day ♪

♪ Moonlight gives
me the Milky Way ♪

♪ Got no checkbooks,
got no banks ♪

♪ Still I'd like to
express my thanks ♪

♪ I got the sun in the morning
and the moon at night ♪

♪ And with the sun
in the morning ♪

♪ And the moon in the evening ♪

♪ I'm all... ♪

Good morning, Carla.

What's so good about it?

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, Woody,

here's my video camera.

WOODY: Oh,

wow!

Looks kinda complicated.

That's, that's just
the case, Woody.

Uh-oh.

No, Woody, it's not as
complicated as it looks.

I'll, uh, I'll talk
ya through it.

Uh-oh.

Whatcha doin', Wood?

Oh, well, uh, I want
Kelly to meet my parents,

and, uh, I can't afford
to fly her out there,

so I figured what better
way to introduce her

to my parents in
person than on tape?

Don't forget, Woody, you
gotta set your white balance.

What's that?

Well, the tape might
be a little tinted,

so you gotta
balance it out by, uh,

pointing the lens at
a flat white surface.

Hey, Lilith,

we were just talking about you.

Carla, I'm long past caring

what anyone in this
bar has to say about me.

What did they say?

I am the one who's
gonna be all bloated.

I'm the one who's
gonna gain all the weight,

be up all night eating
ice cream and pickles,

and I'm gonna be the one
who's vomiting all morning.

Yeah? Try doing that

with Vera standing
over you saying,

"You gotta clean
up your act, mister."

Can you believe this?

I'm not even pregnant,
yet he is insisting

that the child
have his last name.

Just give me one good reason

why its last name can't
be Howe. How about this?

Howe's a stupid name.

Excuse me?

Come on. It's not even a name.

It's more of a, of a question.

Rebecca Howe.

Rebecca why.

Rebecca who, what, where.

You know, I can make
fun of your name, too.

Oh, yeah?

Malone.

Malone.

Oh, all right, I'm not
very good at it yet.

Oh, really?

Howe surprising.

Howe remarkable.

Knock it off!

Come on, when you
were a kid, admit it,

didn't-didn't people
make fun of your name?

Yes, but that was in the context

of making fun of
many other things.

And what makes
your name so special?

I'll tell you why.

Because Malone is a
very proud old Irish name.

When my great grandfather came

from County Cork to this city,

they actually had signs
in some of the windows

that said "No Irish need apply".

His friends told him
to change his name

to Smith or something,
but he wouldn't do it.

He was proud of his name.

And when we have a kid, I want,

want him to be proud
of his name, too.

There.

Is that reason enough for you?

No.

Sam, you know, you
wouldn't have these problems

if you just made an honest
woman out of Miss Howe.

Ooh, what're you
talking about, Woody?

Well, back in Hanover
we have this little tradition.

It's called marriage.

It's to avoid

another little
tradition called hellfire.

Woody, come on, man.

This is the '90s. You know,

plenty of people have
babies without being married.

Oh, what? You got
a problem with that?

Well, if you want the truth,

I do think it's a
little irresponsible.

And remember, this is
coming from Norm Peterson.

I can't believe this.

You guys feel the same way?

I kind of do. Me, too.

Move to California, you freaks.

Guys, guys,

come on. I mean, look at
me. I'm not getting any younger

and neither is...

well, it's true.

I mean, look at how many
years we've been wasting

looking for the
perfect relationship.

And what'd it get us? Nothing.

At least you and I are friends.

You know, we
care for each other.

And right about now, that's
looking good. Based on that,

we-we want to

hang out together and
have a family. Yeah.

Sam, if you feel that way,

why don't you just go
ahead and get married?

Ooh, that's an awful
big step, Woody.

Hey, Sammy,

if you want my two cents,

I think that you and Rebecca

having a kid together
is very immoral.

Oh... Now,

you and me havin'
a kid outta wedlock...

that'd be a blast.

People, people,

we cannot impose our own
moral belief systems on these two.

Yes, thank you very much.

The real question is:

Will they make
responsible parents?

That's right!

And the answer is
an emphatic "no!"

Hey!

Sam, up until now, you
and Rebecca have not taken

into account the
years of sacrifice

involved in the
raising of a child.

You have not
reckoned with the fact

that as soon as you have one,

your lives will be
irrevocably altered.

An infant demands
constant attention.

24 hours a day.

Seven days a week.

It never says
"please" or "may I?"

It just demands.

Let me have a scotch.

And say good-bye to vacations.

Say good-bye to ski weekends

because your life
is baby, baby, baby.

Can I get a drink, please?!

SAM: You know something?

I-I'm really hurt.

I've got to admit

that you guys don't
have enough faith in me

to see that I'm really
serious about this thing.

Anyway, the whole point is

Rebecca and I believe
in what we're doing.

Am I right?

Can we still get out of it, Sam?

Well... What.

Come here.

Look, those guys
have some good points.

I mean, how do we know
we're gonna be good parents?

How does anybody know?

Maybe a little practice
would help ease your nerves.

Would the two of you like

to take care of
Frederick for an evening?

It may provide you with some

confidence in
your parenting skills

as well as give us a break

from that 16-year-old
bundle of breasts

Frasier insists is
God's gift to babysitting.

Would that make you feel better?

Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

I think it's good.
When can we do that?

Well, let me see.

Uh, tonight,

oh, well, Frederick
has his story hour

at the library tonight.

Tomorrow is our
Mommy and Me class.

Friday is Aqua Tots.

Let me look at next month.

Oh, well, listen,
don't worry about it.

All we have to do is
find somebody else

and take care of their kids.

Nobody else in this
bar has any kids.

Carla does.

No!

Forget it! No!

Sam, wait a minute. No!

No, look, I am not
gonna have a baby

until I know I'll
be a good parent.

Taking care of Carla's kids

is not gonna prove that
you're a good parent.

It just proves that you
can survive in the wild.

Carla, Sam and I want
to take care of your kids.

Is that okay with you?

All of 'em?

For how long?

The whole night.

And I don't have to be there?

No.

Oh, bless you!

Come on, no, no, stop it!

Listen, stop it! Come on, get...

Ow!

We'll be there at 7:00.

Now, hey, come on, honey.

It's not too late.

May-may-maybe
Freddie can squeeze us in.

A whole night

without my kids.

Thank you, Saint Jude,

patron saint of lost causes.

I have prayed for
this day for 18 years.

First you freed me from Diane.

And now this!

I am blessed!

I am truly blessed.

Carla, do you realize

that you're the same
height kneeling down

as you are standing up?

Hi, Mom and Dad.

Uh, I want you to meet
Kelly, my girlfriend.

She's holding the camera.

She's a beautiful girl.

Blond hair, great smile,

sparkling personality.

I wish you could see her.

Kelly, say hi to my parents.

Now!

Hi.

Now!

Well, what'd you think?

Pretty special, huh?

Kelly, say good-bye
to my parents.

Now!

Bye.

That was great.

Let's turn this baby on

and sh**t it
before we get stale.

Hey, excuse me, Wood.

Don't you think maybe
your parents would like a sh*t

with the two of you in it?

Huh? Yeah.

What do you say we sit
down and chat about it?

Get a few ideas

cookin' here, you
know... A little percolatin'.

You know, maybe a...
maybe a nice two sh*t.

You know, widen out to a master

with a little background
lighting for a nice halo effect.

WOODY: Wow!

Mr. Clavin, you're
a real expert.

Oh, yeah, I'm a bit of a
film buff there, Woody.

I, uh, I admire the
works of all the greats.

You know, Kurosawa,
Fellini, Hitch.

That's, uh, Hitchcock, Woody.

I just had an idea.

Whatta you say we, uh,

have Woody start this thing off?

I mean, he's an actor.

He can just warm the
whole thing up, huh?

All right, Wood? Yeah.

Okay.

Ready and...

action!

Hi, Mom and Dad.

Oh, Woody, I, uh,
thought you were an actor.

Let's try this again, okay?

And remember,

you haven't seen
your parents for years.

You hunger for their
love and affection.

You want them to know
just how badly you miss them.

You left Indiana all
those many years ago

to come to the big city.

You're practically
a stranger, pal.

Action.

I love you, Mom and Dad.

I know I should've
stayed on the farm.

I don't know why I left.

Uh, I guess I was just selfish.

You know, everybody

always leaves the farm.

That's why America's
in the condition it is.

I'm sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

Please don't die before
I come home again.

Oh, Woody, that was wonderful.

What do you say we turn this
thing on and sh**t this baby?

Hey, Carla's still
rounding up the kids.

We could run for it.

Sam, no, don't worry.

Carla's always
exaggerating about her kids.

We'll be just fine.

Okay, the kids will
be out in a minute.

Just sign this.

What is it?

It's your standard release form.

The insurance
company requires it.

Just sign here
and initial the spots.

Okay, kids, come on in!

Oh... aren't they adorable?

Look, they're all lined up.

Bet it's not the
first time, either.

Look at you. You look so cute.

It's like The Sound of Music.

Oh, I wish I had a whistle.

Here, Miss Howe.

Oh, thank you.

I always wanted to do this.

Okay.

Now, when I blow the
whistle, you say your name.

(whistle trills)

Serafina.

And I'm spending the
night with my boyfriend.

(gags)

Now isn't it more fun having
this time with your family

than going on
some silly old date?


You better let me go.

My boyfriend's a retired cop.

No, no, no, no, you'll,
you'll want to stay.

You'll miss the games.

I'm missing them now.

All right, everybody fed?

KIDS: Yes, Mr. Malone.

SAM: Fine.

Now may I please
have my pants back?

Check the oven.

(crying)

Oh, what's the matter, Lud?

I can't find Mr. Tibbington.

Oh, honey, don't cry.

Who is Mr. Tibbington?
Is that your kitty cat?

No. He's my eight-foot
boa constrictor.

Well, we'll certainly
keep our eyes out for him.

Wait, wait... hold
up... (muttering)

There's only seven of
us. Where's Anthony?

He's out doing something.

What's he doing?

Time.

Wait. Stop eating for
a minute. Stop eating.

Here we are, at
the head of the table

just like real parents.

I think we should say grace.

Now I know we're not
the real parents, but...

Sam, don't play footsie with
me when I'm saying grace.

I'm not playing footsie.

Oh, it's Mr. Tibbing...
(screams)...ton!

(boys cheering)

You know, now that Sam's
busy with this baby thing,

you guys are either going
to have to live vicariously

through somebody else,

or get your own lives.

(scoffs)

She's right, you know.

NORM: Wood?

Thank you.

Listen, when you and,
uh, Kelly go out on a date,

what do you guys do, huh?

(chuckles)

Well...

last night we played three
games of miniature golf

and stopped for ice cream
at the Freeze 'n' Frost.

Ooh!

A little miniature
golf there, huh?

A little ice cream action, huh?

Huh?

Yeah, that Woody. Yeah.

He's an ice-cream-eating,
miniature-golfing guy.

Look at us trying to sponge
off other people's lives.

We're pathetic.

Hey, Phil, new pants there, huh?

Yep.

That Phil...

he's a pants-wearing, guy.

So, Carla, how do you intend
to spend your night of freedom?

Ah, nothing special.

I'm going to check into the,
uh, Ritz for a night of R & R.

Oh. Sounds nice.

Yeah, I think so.

I know Roy and Ralph
are looking forward to it.

Oh...

remember the Ritz-
Carlton, darling?

A night of unbridled passion

that remains
unmatched to this day.

We've never been to
the Ritz-Carlton, Frasier.

Did I say the Ritz-Carlton?

I meant the Four Seasons.

Strike two.

So, did you get a load
of Phil's new pants?

You know, an older
fellow like that, you know,

you wouldn't think he'd
be able to get away with,

you know, still looking
good in a pair of slacks.

But, uh, darn if he
doesn't pull it off.

Lilith, please blink.

Okay, I hope you
all enjoyed the dinner

as much as the wall did.

And I also want you to know

that Rebecca really enjoyed
the dead-rat-in-the-bun joke.

That's very funny.

(sobbing)

Come on, honey, just
pull yourself together.

You're going to
frighten the kids.

I don't think I can
take any more.

Oh, come on, of course you can.

You can't quit now. We've onl...

Okay, who-who took my watch?

(mutters)

REBECCA: You see that?

This is not a home.

This is a house of horrors.

No, you're just...

I mean, my God,

they Crazy-glued
the dryer door shut.

Yeah, I know, but we
got you out, didn't we?

But I'm still dizzy.

I'm going to leave!

No, no, come on, we can't quit.
Now, what are you going to do...

listen, when we
have kids of our own?

Are you going to quit when the
going gets tough? I don't know.

Well, no! Honey, listen.

We're almost up to bath
time, then we'll be home free.

Okay? Okay.

All right, now, uh, who's first?

I'm ready for my
bath, Miss Howe.

And I'm a dirty, dirty boy.

(shrieking, sobbing): Ah, Sam!

Would you get over there!

Okay, kids, now let's
just get a sh*t of you

in front of the
whole bar, all right?

Yeah, okay.

Cliffy, you want
I should take off?

No, no, no, you stay
right where you are, Norm.

Uh, you're what
we call atmosphere.

Wait a minute. What's that?

Atmosphere, that's, uh,

you know, people
in the background.

You're sitting around,
drinking your beer.

You know, it looks
like you belong there.

All right!

Hey, everybody, I'm atmosphere!

Hey, Cliff, could I
be atmosphere, too?

Pauly, Pauly, Pauly, uh...

Personally I love you, Paul,
but, uh, the camera doesn't.

Scoot!

All right now, everybody,

57th take is a charm.

Right?

Now... The Message
Home, scene one.

Action.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Boyd.

Cut!

(clears throat)

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, come here.

What I'm looking for
is the energy of take 36

and the innocence of take 11.

Do you think you
can do that for me?

I'm awfully tired, Mr. Clavin.

That a girl!

Okay.

Scene one, take 58.

Action!

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Boyd.

Cut!

Kelly, uh, you, you
mind explaining to me

just what you think
you're doing here?

Cliffy, lighten up, guy.

You're just getting a little
serious about this, aren't you?

All right, who told the
atmosphere to talk?!

Go on, you're out of here!

Pauly, your ship just came in.

Come in here, buddy.

WOODY: Hey, uh,

Mr. Clavin, I don't think
I want to make this tape.

Me neither.

All right, fine!

Both of you, get out of here!

Everybody get out!

I can do the whole
project myself!

Cliff, please! What?!

Now you'll never get what you
want by badgering these kids.

You've got to
make them feel safe.

After all, it's
just a videotape.

Now listen, why don't
you pull up a chair here,

try to calm yourself down.

Have a beer... I'm all right.

We'll see if we can, uh, get
this thing done, huh? Okay?

All right, all
right. I'm all right.

Kelly, Woody.

Now, Kelly, just do whatever
comes naturally to you.

Relax, be yourself.

No pressure.

And simply say "hello"
to Woody's parents.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Boyd.

I'm Kelly Gaines.

FRASIER: Kelly, you...

you just don't have
a clue, do you?

That's a wrap.

Boy, I'll tell you one thing.

Anybody who thinks
parenthood is easy,

should try giving baths
to those monsters.

I learned a lot.

Yeah, yeah, I learned I can
hold my breath for over a minute.

Although, I can't quite
remember my telephone number.

(sputters)

You know something?

Carla's kids aren't that bad.

Yeah, they're really not.

They're sort of rambunctious
and high-spirited,

but, you know, all in all,
I think they mean well.

You know, I was pretty much
a scamp when I was a kid, too.

Yeah, yeah... (chuckles)

I used to, uh,

empty out the salt
shakers and put in sugar.

Boy, what a prank.

Well, Sam, we did it.

Yeah, hey, that's right.

We passed your test, didn't we?

We took care of Carla's kids.

If we can do that,
we can do anything.

You know something?

We're going to
be just fine. Mmm.

(light switch clicks) MALE
VOICE: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

SAM: Uh-oh. Is that a
prowler, or is that the kids?

REBECCA (whimpering):
Oh, I hope it's a prowler!
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