10x10 - A Fine French Whine

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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10x10 - A Fine French Whine

Post by bunniefuu »

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

MAN: If you look on your
left, you'll see the historic

public garden, which in
colonial days was used

as a public grazing area
for privately owned livestock.

On your right are some
of the historic brownstones.

Oh, my God, step on it, Harry! He
doesn't know what he's talking about!

It's that know-it-all mailman!

You wanna know the real...
I'll tell you the real story!

The Clavins got here
before the pilgrims!

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

This damned headache.

I've had it all day. I
can't seem to shake it.

Oh, you know, those
dilated veins there

will just add to your
discomfort there, Doc.

On the other hand,
there is a possibility

that what you have is
not a headache at all

but rather an
earwig that's crawled

into your auditory canal
while you were asleep

and who is at this very moment,

uh, chewing its way
through your cerebral cortex.

Sam, may I have a
glass of water, please?

I... I'll just take
another aspirin.

That ought to do it.

Frasier, hold it, I
know just the thing.

I'm really good at massage.

Just sit down, relax...

There... how is that?

(hoarse): I didn't
get any water.

Carla, can I ask you a favor?

No, Woody, I'm not going

to work for you this afternoon.

I've already taken
over your schedule

for the past couple of
days, and I'm sick of it.

You can just
tell your girlfriend

you'll see her after work.

Well, actually, I was gonna ask

if you could get off my foot.

Oh.

Speaking of shifts, Sam,
uh, can I leave early?

Kelly hates it when
I'm late for a date.

Henri doesn't care
for it much, either.

Henri? That slick French

make-out artist always trying
to grab other people's women

with some phony line?

Yeah, that's the guy.

I always liked that guy.

Yeah, well, Kelly
likes him, too.

He goes on every date with us.

Yeah, well, just as
long as he's stopped

making those jokes about
stealing Kelly from you.

He has?

Why didn't you tell me
sooner, Sam? No, no.

I hate those jokes. No...

Woody, I don't know that
he has, I was just asking.

Oh.

Hey, Sam, I hear you're
getting a big refund from the IRS.

I am?

Two can play that
little game, Sam.

Oh, there you are,
my poor darling.

And you've still got your
headache, haven't you?

Oh, I can see it's gotten worse

by those tiny little pressure
wrinkles around your eyes.

Maybe that's just fatty tissue.

It'll go away.

Oh, no, no, once
you get those fat bags,

they're there to stay.

Describe the pain to me.

Is it a sharp, stabbing pain?

Is it a dull ache?

Is it a pressure headache?

Or is it a throbbing headache,

one that just pounds and pounds

and pounds and pounds...

Lilith, if you don't
stop it, my head

is going to explode
all over this bar!

All right!

Hey, Paul, get out here!

Frasier, I'm concerned.

I think it's time we tried
alternative medicine.

No, no, I am not
going to wear a crystal

or dissolve herbs
under my tongue

or listen to some aging
hippie playing the whale flute.

That's not why

I went to college, although,

when I went to college,
I did all those things.

I'm talking about acupuncture.

No, never!

It's worked for
thousands of years.

The Chinese people
have been practicing it

since the Stone Age.

Why do you insist
on closing your mind

to such a time-honored remedy?

'Cause it'll hurt!

I'm calling Dr. Lee.

How's your headache, Frasier?

Oh, fine.

She's into alternative
medicines these days.

WOODY: Hey, Henri.

Kelly.

Woody, I have a riddle for you.

How long will it take

for me to steal your girlfriend?

I give up.

Then it won't take long at all.

Such an operator,
it makes me sick.

Yeah, it makes me
mad just to look at him.

Hello, fellows!

ALL: Hey, Henri, how you doing?

Hey, Henri, how are you doing?

Sam, how is my favorite
American chaser of women?

No, I'm not doing
that anymore, Henri.

You know, I... I've
reached that point in my life

where my priorities
are beginning to shift.

I think I want to settle
down and raise a family.

Ooh, that's a good
line. Does it work?

No, no, no, I'm...

I'm really serious
about this, Henri.

I... I'm gonna go
through with this.

Sammy, don't worry,

I will not steal
your precious line.

No.

You... you gotta understand...

Hey, Henri.

I've got a letter here
for you... looks important.

I even had to sign
for it and everything.

Henri, why are you
getting your mail here?

Because I feel this
is my second home,

and sometimes I get
letters postage due.

Oh, mon dieu.

KELLY: Oh, no.

What is it?

Oh, this is terrible.

Henri's visa has expired,

and he has to leave
the country in two days.

Help me out with
the "terrible" part.

I am being kicked
out, just because I

am not a citizen
and I have no job

and I have no prospect for a job

and I have no wish for a job.

Wait a minute, they can kick

you out of the country for that?

No, no, relax, you...
you were born here.

God bless America. Hey, amen.

Oh, I will miss
this great country.

I have been in love with it

ever since I got
my first glimpse

of that big, beautiful
woman in the harbor.

Ah, yeah,

Lady Liberty.

She told me her name was Kiki.

Oh, Woody, isn't this
the worst news ever?

Aren't you gonna miss Henri?

Yeah, it's the worst
news I've ever heard.

Hey, Henri,

sorry to see you go...
Don't be a stranger.

Woody Boyd,

why are your hands
behind your back?

Are you making crossies?

Well, if I was making crossies,

then I could tell
you that I wasn't,

and I still wouldn't be lying,

so, Kelly, no, I'm
not making crossies.

Oh, Woody.

Stop it, Kelly, I hate
it when you yell at me.

I don't think you know how much

Henri loves this
country, and for you

to stand there and act happy
that poor Henri is leaving.

Well,

that's just...

Kelly,

try to control yourself,
this is a public place.

Oh, Kelly, do not
be angry with Woody.

I have not always
played fair with him.

Ah, well,

maybe in another
time, in another place,

we could have been friends.

Oh, gee, Henri.

Yes, I will miss America,
but you know, Woody,

I will miss you most of all,

because to me, you are America.

You are what this
country is all about,

and now I will never
see it or you again.

Adieu.

What kind of a country
is it that kicks a guy

like him out and lets
a guy like me stay?

I'll tell you what country...

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

ALL: U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Hey, Woody, what you doing?

Well, now that Henri's
going back to Europe... Yeah?

I can finally be
alone with Kelly.

I can look her in the eyes

and let all my feelings
pour out spontaneously.

Yeah.

I have them written
down on these cards.

When I ask Kelly to marry me,

I want to get it right.

I better put these
in my hiding place.

Well, how come you
have to hide them?

Carla got a hold of them once.

You should have seen
what she had me saying

on card nine... I couldn't
even pronounce it.

Oh. Give me a boost, Sam.

Oh, hold on.

Here we go. All right.

(grunting)

All right.

Okay, I got it.

Hey, look, here's my wallet.

I left this thing up
here six months ago.

See, I never even
thought to look up there.

All right, I can drive again!

Oh, God.

Ah, that headache's still
bothering you, huh, Fras?

Oh, yes. Yep.

What do those things
feel like, anyway?

You've never had
a headache, Norm?

I don't think so.

How... how do you get one?

Oh, it's a variety of reasons.

Usually stress or tension.

Hmm?

Job-related anxieties,
day-to-day pressures.

Come again?

It's like, um...

when you eat ice cream too fast.

Oh, I hate that.

Frasier, I've got
Dr. Lee outside.

Lilith, I thought I
made it perfectly clear

that I will not submit
to acupuncture!

Well, then, perhaps
you'll allow the doctor

to practice acupressure,
a simple massage

using the body's
pressure points.

No, I'm not having
some spooky quack

practice the mysteries
of the Orient on my body!

FRASIER: Well...

you know, Lilith, perhaps
I'm being a bit too Eurocentric.

Right this way, Dr. Lee.

So, I understand you're having
a little problem with headaches?

Oh, yes.

You are going to, um...

warm the oil, aren't you?

Hello, Woody.

Woody, you are so
sweet to see Henri off.

Well, that's just the
way I was raised.

So, Henri, what
time does your plane

leave American airspace?

Yeah, personally, I
say good riddance.

Yeah? Yeah, then the
charms of the French

have always been lost on me.

I mean, when W.W.
Three rolls around,

they'd better not
come to old Cliff Clavin

to pull their fromage
out of the fire, no, siree!

I've got plans.

Yeah, when those
missiles start flying,

I'll be in a fully stocked-up,

juiced-up Winnebago,
heading at 65 per,

armed to the teeth, right
to the border of Mexico.

Yes, sir.

Those cockroaches
and Cliff Clavin

are gonna do just
fine, thank you.

What a wonderful
civilization you'll build.

Amen.

Gee, Henri looks so sad.

Oh, he's been like this all day.

I've tried to
snap him out of it,

but nothing worked.

We even played that
game he invented:

"Shower Rescue."

It is no use.

Oh, Henri,

I wish there was some way

we could fix things
so you could stay.

WOODY: Well, there's not.

It's too bad... let's
get going, Henri.

Well, there is
one way, but it's...

it's too much to ask.

Oh, come on, Henri, tell me.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It would require some individual

to make a great sacrifice.

Well, we'd better
get to the airport.

You only got six hours.

Stop it, Woody.

Henri is trying to
tell me something.

Hey, you know what they say,

"first luggage on,
first luggage off."

It was nothing.

Uh, just a crazy idea

that I could find
some American citizen

to marry me and thereby allow me

to remain in your
beautiful country.

What a foolish dreamer I am.

Okay, we better get
Henri to the airport.

Let's bring the car around.

Un, deux, trois...

Henri, I just had a great idea!

Really?

You could marry me!

Oh!

Kelly, how can you do this?

How can you marry Henri?

Woody, it's just a little trick
so he can stay in the country.

It's nothing serious. Exactly.

We'll get married,
go on our honeymoon,

come back and get divorced.

We're going on a honeymoon?!

Oh, goody!

Oh, yes, we have to.

The immigration
people are very thorough.

Sometimes they even
bug the honeymoon suite

to see if you are faking.

Only you will not be faking.

Kelly, I'm telling you,

I don't like this idea.

Really?

No, not one bit.

Sorry, Henri, but I
guess I can't marry you

because my
boyfriend won't let me.

Very well.

I... I understand.

Woody loves you very, very much.

So much that he is willing

to snatch away my one chance

to remain in my
adopted homeland.

♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

(voice breaking): ♪
For spacious skies... ♪

They really are
spacious, you know!

Look at him, Woody.

Please let me marry him!

Please, please, please!

Forget it.

Kelly,

I-I love you, and I don't want
to see you with another man.

I-I forbid you to marry Henri.

Well, Mr. Woody Boyd,

the mask has certainly come off.

If you're so small-minded that

my marrying another man makes
you take a rude tone of voice...

maybe you're not the
man I want to marry

right after I marry this man.

Come on, Henri, we're leaving.

WOODY: Kelly,

if you open that
door, that's it, it's over.

All right, Kelly,

if you go up those
steps, it is really over.

Kelly, if you keep walking
down Beacon Street

and take the left
on Charles, it's over!

(loud groaning)

What the hell was that?

You've never heard
your husband groan?


Oh, what a shock!

I'm sure Frasier is benefiting

from an especially
thorough massage.

FRASIER: Oh! Oh. Oh! Oh!

Sam, could I ask you a favor?

Sure.

Would you discreetly pop
your head into your office

and casually determine
what's taking them so long?

I would do it myself,

but Frasier always
says I'm so smothering.

Yeah. No problem, honey.

(clears throat)

Relax, Lilith.
Everything's fine.

Norm, Cliff, get in here.

I wonder what
that was all about.

Uh, Paul?

I got 50 bucks says

he passes out before
she gets to 100.

Oh. I got, uh, ten
that'll cover that.

NORM: All right.

I'm in. LILITH: Excuse me.

That's my husband
you're wagering over.

Put me down for 20.

So, what'll you have, Kelly?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just here waiting for Woody.

I really have to
make up with him.

I just feel like

my whole life has come
crashing down around my ears.

Uh-huh. There's a
five dollar minimum.

Kelly.

Woody, I'm so sorry.

Well, I'm sorry, too, Kelly.

We should have never
had that terrible fight.

It was all my fault.

Well, at least
we're back together.

Now let's never fight again,

even if we have
genuine disagreements.

Woody, I don't think

you and I will ever disagree

on anything again.

Well, I've got to go.

Where are you going?

To City Hall

to marry Henri, Mr. Forgetful.

I'll call you after the wedding.

Love you.

You okay?

Sam, have you ever loved a woman

who was on her way
to marry someone else?

Well, once in
the back of a limo,

but I'm not proud of it.

What am I supposed to do?

Aren't you tired of letting
that guy walk all over you?

Well, yeah, but... Well, then,

go stop the wedding, man.

Give her that speech
you've been practicing.

You're right, Sam.

Out of my way, everybody.

I'm going to bust up a
wedding. All right, Wood.

And ask Kelly to
marry me instead.

(whooping, applause &
chatter) There you go...

Give me a boost, Sam.

Yeah, all right, there you go.

WOODY: Okay.

Just a little higher, Sam.

Okay, I got 'em.

Let me down.

Okay. Here we go.

Let me down, Sam.

I did.

What-What are you doing, man?

You holding on there?

No, I must be stuck.

Well...

don't panic here.
We-We'll get you down.

(yelling)

All right. Uh, let me...

let me climb up there
and see what's going on.

No, no, Sam, there's no time!

Go break up that wedding!

Go-Go ahead!

Uh, Carla? Yeah?

Just help him out
there, will you?

WOODY: Aah!

Oh! Ow!

I'm telling you, Paul,
you got to get out here!

And so, by the
authority vested in me,

by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts...

SAM: Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I here... Stop, stop!

Hey, they don't love each other.

This wedding's a sham!

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

It's the wrong wedding.

No, it's the right wedding.

I don't love you.

I never have,

and I never will.

Anyhoo...

And so, Kelly and
Henri, by the authority

vested in me by the

Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
I now pronounce you...

Whoa! All right, all
right, all right, hey, whoa.

Sam, what are you doing here?

I-I... Well, I'm here,
because there's a certain guy

who loves you very much, honey,

a lot more than
Henri ever could,

and someone I think
that you have overlooked.

Well, sure, Sam,

there's always been a
spark between you and me.

It's understandable, honey.

Just pre-wedding jitters.

It happens to everybody.

Now, you ready to go on?

I think so.

Very well, then.

Friends, we are
gathered here today

to... Stop this wedding!

She doesn't love him!

It's a disgrace!

Aw, now, come on!

He's right.

They're all right.

Let's face it... it won't work,

and the whole world knows it!

(crying)

Sorry.

So, you see, Kelly, when I said

that someone was
in love with you,

see, I wasn't referring to me.

Woody is the person
I'm talking about.

You see, he's the
guy who loves you.

Oh, I get it.

Yeah.

I love him, too, Sam.

Oh, there you go.

Thanks, Sam.

Well, Henri,

you ready to marry me?

Friends, we are gathered
here today to join this man...

Would the bride and
groom please turn around?!

All right, stop this wedding!

Woody!

Kelly, you can't go
through with this.

I can't let you marry Henri.

Woody, we've been
through this a million times.

It's just so Henri
won't get deported.

Oops!

You're wrong, Kelly.

He's using you.

He-He wrote that letter himself.

He's not going to be deported.

He-He's just trying to
steal you away from me.

How did you figure that out?

You mean, I'm right?

Wow! Score one for the
Indiana school system.

HENRI: I am sorry, Kelly.

I was trying to take
you away from Woody

and have my way with you
and divorce you and take

half your money.

Can you ever forgive me?

Oh, I can't stay
mad at you, you silly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second
here, wait a second.

You telling me this
whole thing was just

so you could steal
somebody's girl away from him?

Yes.

Oh, man, that's beautiful.

That's beautiful. Ah,
oh, that's great, man.

Let me ask you
something here, you know.

When you're in the
middle of a trick like this,

now is there just
one part of you

that-that feels
a little bit guilty?

Oh!

(both laughing)

I thought you'd like that.

You know, I have
to tell you, man,

it's nice to be around somebody

who finally gets
this kind of stuff.

I hope you're not
upset with me, Woody.

Heck, no, Kelly.

In fact, I got something
I want to say to you.

How do you pronounce this?

Oh, darn that Carla.

All right, well, I'll
just have to wing it.

Kelly,

uh...

We've been going out
for a lot of years now,

and I love you, and
you love me, and

I want to spend the
rest of my life with you.

What I'm trying to say is...

will you marry me?

Of course I'll marry you, Woody.

Oh, Kelly, you've made this
the happiest day of my life!

Mine, too.

I know I forgave
Henri and everything,

but I'm still a
little miffed at him.

I can't believe anybody
would pull such a dirty trick

just to get a girl.

MAN: So two complete
strangers break in

and tell us not to get married!

Why should we care?

Honey, c-could we
at least go steady?

MAN #2: It happened to you, too?

MAN #3: Yeah, twice.

We've got to get
locks for those doors.

Uh, so you see, our
visas have just expired,

and, uh, we are
going to be deported.

Oui.
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