Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Lilith, do we have to do this?
Frasier, making out a will
is a sensible precaution,
and one you've been
avoiding for months.
We're seeing the
lawyer this afternoon,
and we have to get
these questions answered.
Look, darling,
I find this entire will
discussion troubling.
It's not easy to talk
about one's mortality.
Oh, just the thought of...
of being apart from you
and-and little Frederick...
It's... well,
it's-it's just hard.
So, who gets the wok?
The wok?!
My God, woman, we're
talking about death here!
My death, your death,
the end of everything!
Being lowered into the
grave in a silk-lined casket!
Yes. And?
And it's upsetting
to mammals like me!
Look, Lilith,
all my life, I've had a
problem talking about death.
I know it's irrational,
but I can't help feeling
that if you talk
about it, it'll happen.
Well, Frasier, it will happen.
Stop it.
What, do you think
if I hadn't mentioned
it, you'd live forever?
Well, now we'll
never know, will we?
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hi, Mr. Krapence.
PAUL: Hiya, Woody.
Where's, uh, Norm and Cliff?
I guess they're at
work. I don't know.
You got a cute sense of
humor, Woody. I like that.
Uh, I bet you Norm and Cliff
are doing something really fun.
Those guys never
include me in anything.
What is it about me
that's such a turnoff?
Normally, Paul,
with a setup like
that, I'd go for blood,
but I can tell
you're a little hurt
and a little upset, so I'm
gonna go easy on you.
It's your looks.
What am I, everybody's
punching bag?
Oh, come on, lighten
up, Mr. Krapence.
Hey, you want to
hear a funny joke
that Mr. Clavin told
me the other day?
Sure. What the hell.
All right.
(laughs) Okay.
What's round, looks like an owl,
wears glasses and
goofy orange suspenders?
(laughs)
I don't know. What?
Nothing.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back.
May I inquire as to exactly
where the hell you've been?
Vera?
You know, I'm sick of
the way you guys treat me.
You waltz off God knows where,
and you leave me
here with nobody...
And I mean nobody... to talk to.
Hey, I love you, too, Paul.
He's trying awfully
hard to fit in, huh?
A little too hard if you ask me.
All he does is sit there
whimpering and whining,
feeling sorry for
himself saying,
"Include me. Include
me. Include me."
You know, that
stuff doesn't work.
Well, it worked for you, Cliff.
The point is, it's not
going to work twice.
Woody, where's Sam?
Oh, he's in the
office, Miss Howe.
Hey, get your butt out
here, Mister Macho!
We've been going
at it for six months
like a couple of monkeys,
and I'm still not pregnant!
H-Honey, there-there's
an inside voice,
and then there's
an outside voice.
I think that was your
outside voice, don't you?
You know, guess who
came to visit this morning.
Mr. Charlie. That's
right, my period.
That means...
You'd think they'd have
a little more respect.
Some of us are trying
to drink our beer here.
What, uh, kind of puts
you off your beer, does it?
Well, no, not really.
It'd take a lot more to do that.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, well, what, uh...
what-what would it take?
I don't know.
How about a plate of meatloaf
with an abscess on it?
(laughs) No.
Uh, and how about a,
uh, bowl full of scabs?
All right.
Well, how about a...?
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
Where do you come
up with that stuff?
Hey... yeah. Yuck.
But it wasn't enough.
According to the books
that I've been reading,
I should definitely
be pregnant by now.
I think maybe we're going
to have to see a
fertility specialist.
A what?
A fertility specialist.
I asked my doctor to recommend
one, and he gave me this card.
No way. No. No, no, no, no, no.
We-We're not seeing any doctors.
But, Sam,
it's not working. I
think that it's time
that we have to
face the possibility
that there's something
wrong with you.
You...
You know why
we're not conceiving?
You're too mean to me.
No, I'm not mean.
I'm perfectly nice.
I just think you're
sh**ting blanks, pal.
See, there you go again.
That's mean.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. Maybe that is.
Maybe I've been
pushing too hard.
It's just that...
God, I want this baby
so bad that every time
I find out I'm not
pregnant, I just go crazy.
Let's not
talk about it anymore, okay?
Here, just, take the card,
and if you want to call
the doctor, that's fine.
And if you don't, that's
fine, too. I mean it.
I'm really sorry.
The last thing in the world I
wanted to do was hurt you.
Thank you.
I can't make this call.
Your fingers don't work, either?
CARLA: This will get you.
How about losing your balance
in a sewage treatment plant?
All right, all right,
all right, here it is.
How about eating food
recovered from an autopsy?
(laughs)
WOODY: All right, I got one.
How about
someone coming in from the
field who's been working all day,
while you're sitting
down at the dinner table,
and they got no shirt on,
and their chest hair's
all matted down?
(stifled laugh)
(Norm laughs)
That's kind of
unpleasant, Woody,
but it's not really gross.
Well, that's 'cause you
never met Grandma.
Yeah! Hey!
CLIFF: Oh, hey! All right!
Uh, Wood, you want to
put a head on that, please?
All right, Frasier,
let's move on
to the living will.
Imagine you've been
hideously m*nled
and are being kept
alive by a respirator.
Factoring in the
enormous expense,
the uncertainty, the heartbreak,
do you really want to
be kept alive artificially,
or can I pull the plug
when the nurse ducks
out for a cigarette?
By all means, pull the plug.
Smother me with the pillow.
Save time, woman.
Why don't you do it
tonight while I'm asleep?!
Well, I guess
I can't talk to him
about anything.
So, where did the two
musketeers go without me today?
Well, we went hang gliding.
Then we, uh,
had lunch with the Miss
Massachusetts finalists.
And then, we got to
drive a fire truck around
for a couple hours.
It was great.
You're kidding! Why
didn't you ask me along?
Yes, we are kidding, Paul.
We went to McDonald's.
What?! You went to McDonald's?!
Woody, where's Sam?
"Woody, where's Norm and Cliff?"
"Woody, where's Sam?"
Now I know how
Mr. Krapence feels.
How come no one ever walks
in and asks me where I am?
Woody, where are you?
Don't ask me now.
Ask me when I'm not around.
I went to the doctor,
and I had an examination.
Well, what happened?
I don't know yet.
They're gonna call
me with the results.
I want you to know that
no matter what happens,
we're in this together.
There'll be no
finger-pointing, no blaming.
And if there is a problem,
we'll work through it.
Yeah. Because we
both want the same thing.
Oh, more than anything.
We just want a
little baby. Yeah.
Oh, God. Oh.
(phone rings)
You know... Give me a second.
Hello.
Uh-huh, this is she.
Oh. I just... Oh, really?
You sure?
Okay. Thank you, Doctor.
(sighs)
All right!
It's not me!
It must be you!
You're the one!
Frasier, focus.
If we're going to make a will,
we have to get these
questions worked out.
I just don't want to
talk about my death.
And-or dismemberment.
You know,
I don't see us lingering
over the question of your death.
Well, that's because,
statistically-speaking,
I'll outlive you.
Well, I'll just bet you're
looking forward to that...
Being the "Widder Crane."
Frasier, really.
You know, first,
you get me to
get this $1 million
life insurance policy.
Now you're badgering
me about the will.
Lilith, I'm practically afraid
to start my car in the morning.
Frasier, I'm a scientist.
If I wanted to k*ll you,
I could certainly think
of more clever ways
to do it than that.
Something subtle.
Something that couldn't
be traced back to me.
Drink your drink, darling.
You are so cute when
you fear for your life.
You know, Lilith, all this talk
of wills and dying...
Well, I've just never been
so depressed in all my life.
Frasier, everyone dies.
We have to face that.
I'm going to die, too.
Again?
Some people are
just a bunch of babies
about making out a will.
Think so?
Yeah. Oh, sure, I think so.
I mean, as far as
I'm concerned, it's a...
it's-it's your duty
as a mature adult.
You got to prepare for
the inevitable there now.
So you took care of it, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah, you bet.
Anything happens to
me, everything goes to Ma.
What happens if Ma goes first?
Shut up!
Shut up, Peterson!
Shut up, the whole
sick bunch of you!
Why should I have to
go to a fertility doctor?
And I don't want to
go to a fertility doctor.
Sammy.
I hate going to doctors,
especially fertility doctors.
Sammy, why don't you just go?
Why should I?
The whole idea that I have
a problem is just ridiculous.
Oh, yeah?
You've been with thousands
of women over the years, right?
Yeah. Right.
Well, how many cards do
you get on Father's Day?
Well, you know... that
doesn't mean anything.
Sammy, sooner or later,
you're gonna have to face
the possibility that,
whether you like it or not,
you might just possibly
have a low sperm count.
You're fired. Get out of here.
Go on... right
now. You're fired.
Don't turn on me.
I'm not the one
with the problem.
I do not have a problem!
I have just as much firepower
as the next guy, I'll tell you.
You think I'm afraid to go
to that doctor, don't you?
Well, watch this.
I'm gonna go to that
stupid fertility doctor.
You know, I bet my fertility
just soars right off the map.
I'll bet I break their
stupid machine.
Oh, y-you don't think they
use a machine, do you?
Can I help you?
Do you have an appointment?
No. No. Uh...
I was just, uh, in the building.
I thought I'd stop
by and say hi.
Hi.
(chuckles)
Actually, I-I'm
here for a cleaning.
This is a fertility clinic.
What, precisely, would
you like us to clean?
Oh, this... this
is embarrassing.
I'm sorry. I thought this
was a dentist... I-I'm s...
You know something,
though, you know, uh...
While I'm here, you know,
I have-I have this friend
who's got a problem,
and maybe you
could do him a favor,
and-and write him a note, huh?
Saying what?
Oh, it doesn't really matter.
Just, uh, well you know, uh,
"To whom it may concern..."
uh, "Sam Malone,"
that-that's my friend, uh...
"Sam Malone has a very,
very high sperm count.
Go ahead and have
plenty of sex with him."
Maybe, you know, sign it
down here at the bottom.
If you want to, you
know, put that into, uh,
medical terms, that'd be cool.
I can't do that.
There's 30 bucks
in it for you if you do.
You're Sam Malone, aren't you?
Yeah. How'd you know?
Believe me, this
happens all the time.
The doctor has an opening.
Would you like to see him?
Yeah. All right.
Yeah. Whatever.
Listen, uh...
you really don't use
a machine, do you?
Can I help you?
Uh. no, no. I just...
wanted to stop in and say hi.
According to the
tests, the doctor says
that I am as fertile
as an Iowa cornfield.
Fully stocked ovaries,
fallopian tubes like fire hoses.
How you doing,
Norm? Still drinking.
Hey, what have you
got there, Mr. Clavin?
Uh, cake and a pizza.
I was thinking about
how we keep leaving
Paul out of stuff.
So I thought, why not
throw him a little party.
Oh, what a sweet,
generous thing to do, Cliff.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well thanks.
I remember, uh, how
lonely and left out I felt
till you guys threw
me that big party.
We never threw you a party.
No kidding.
Anyway, Paul's not here.
Oh, yeah, no, I know. I,
uh, I called him at home,
and I told him to get down
here as soon as he can.
He said he was just
getting out of the tub
and he was toweling himself off.
We have a winner!
So, you got a, uh,
pizza there, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. It's pizza.
Yeah. Paul's really
going to enjoy that.
Yeah... When's he, uh,
supposed to be coming by?
Couple minutes. Couple minutes.
Couple minutes.
That's, uh, pepperoni, huh?
You betcha.
Now, did you mention to Paul
that we had a cake and a pizza?
No. No, no, I didn't.
So, uh, you know,
we still have the cake.
Uh, I mean, if there
wasn't any pizza,
Paul wouldn't know there
wasn't even gonna be any pizza.
Exactly.
(chuckles)
What kind of cake is it?
It's, uh... angel food.
This is bad.
This is really bad. Why?
We should take that
cake, put it in the office
where it won't be
such a temptation.
Good idea. Yeah.
Out of sight, out of mind, huh?
We're going to eat the
cake, too, aren't we, Norm?
It's gone.
Here.
The will is signed
and witnessed.
I hope you're happy, woman.
I wash my hands
of the entire affair.
I want that thing sealed up
and put into a vault until...
Until you're sealed
and put in a vault?
I am just your ball of
yarn today, aren't I?
I've also given my
executor the right
to dispose of a few
personal effects...
A few things which
might give solace
to those who cared about me.
Carla, what would you
like me to leave you?
How about a tip, for a change?
Hey, Woody, Cliff
called me and told me
that he and Norm wanted
to see me. Where are they?
Oh, they're in the office.
Say, Woody, how about you?
What can I give you?
Oh, well, uh... you
know those sweaters
like that one with the
big leaves on them?
Yes.
Anything but those.
Oh, hi, Paul. How are you? Hey.
You guys wanted to see me?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah, we were
just talking, uh...
We'd like to, you know,
apologize for, you know,
leaving you out of things
and, well, you know,
that kind of stuff.
Yeah. You know,
after all, you've only
been coming here, what,
you know, a few weeks?
Ten years. I've been
coming here ten years.
Whatever. Whatever.
Anyway, uh...
we just feel like we want to...
Oh, thanks, Woody...
Just feel like we want
to make it up to you.
What we're going to do, Paul,
we're going to buy
you a free beer.
Yeah! Woody, right to the
brim for Uncle Paul, huh?
There you go.
Wow. I... I can't believe this,
you know? Thanks, guys.
It's a really nice thing to do.
Really made me feel special.
Don't mention it, Paul. Yep.
You guys ate my
cake, didn't you?
Yes, we did, Paul.
You know,
writing this will has forced me
to take a good,
long look at my life...
Who I've been,
who I've become.
As I tally up the
ledger of my... my life,
I... I come to one
unmistakable conclusion.
I have tipped you adequately.
More, in fact, than
you have deserved.
Frasier, I called a cab.
Go clean yourself up.
Okay.
You were never
courteous. Never once.
Sammy, what took you so long?
I decided to hang around
and wait for the lab report.
When I finally got it, I
was afraid to look at it.
I've been walking
around the Common
hoping someone would
mug me and steal it.
Yeah. Well, those
things are really hot.
I carry a sign in my car:
"Driver has no lab results."
Why don't you go
ahead and look at it?
Might be good news.
Yeah, it might be bad news.
It might be good news.
But what if it's not?
Well, you're not going to
know unless you open it.
I can't.
You open it.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
I mean, I... I couldn't bear
to tell you if it was bad news.
But what if it's good news?
What if it's bad news?
You know, this could turn out
to be the worst night
of my life or the best.
And the... the only difference
is a few lousy words
on a piece of paper.
Oh, God, you know,
this is the rest of my life
we're talking about here.
I mean, I-I may have a
kid to play baseball with.
Or I may not.
I may have someone
to carry on my name,
or I may not.
Oh, geez!
Boy, it's amazing, you know,
how much power a little
piece of paper can have.
You know, maybe this
is just one of those things
that people should not know.
Sammy? Yeah?
Give me that trash
can over there.
What are you doing?
Putting you out of your misery.
It was just a little
too painful to watch.
Oh. Hey, thank you.
Oh!
(flames crackling)
Too bad we don't have
any marshmallows, huh?
We've got you.
(car horn honking)
Hey, Fras, your cab's here!
Oh, there. I've pulled
myself together.
Now that I have my
will, I suppose I can
look into the face of death.
Just hope I don't wake her.
I am sorry about the passing
of your husband, Lilith.
Frasier was a good man,
and we will all miss him.
Thank you.
Well, I now have
the unhappy task
of reading your
late husband's will.
You okay, Mother?
Yes. Thank you, Frederick.
"Sam Malone's sperm count
is well within normal range."
That damn bar.