Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
You know, I keep
having this feeling
I'm forgetting something.
Well, do you have
the night deposit?
Yeah, right here.
Did you put the
extra cash in the safe?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I know.
What?
You didn't call the
beer distributor.
No, I asked Woody to do that.
Ah, all right.
I'll, I'll call him
in the morning, myself.
Oh, oh, wait, wait.
I know what it is.
I know what it is.
Good night, Sammy.
See ya in the morning.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Interesting little article here.
It says that the average
human being only uses
17% of his brain.
Boy. You realize what
that means? NORM: Mmm?
We don't use a full, uh...
64%.
Some don't use even more.
(laughing)
All right. Who let
Woody read "Ziggy"?
(laughing)
You realize he's
gonna be useless
for the next 15 minutes.
(thuds)
Woody, take your break.
(laughing)
Frasier, for the last time,
are you going to
accompany me and Frederick
to my great-uncle's
birthday celebration or not?
Lilith, the man
is going to be 98.
He won't know
whether I'm there or not.
You could introduce
him to a chair.
You'd get the same
dim flicker of recognition.
Frasier, that is unkind.
My uncle has all
his faculties intact.
Yes. Which explains
why whenever he sees me
he calls me "Colonel"
and breaks into a rousing
chorus of "Over There."
All right, you don't
have to come.
Now, while I'm away, I need you
to water the plants,
pay the paperboy and
take the garbage out
on Tuesday nights. I've
written it all down for you.
Lilith, you don't have
to treat me like a child.
Of course not, Frasier.
Oh. Please remember...
Don't open the
door to strangers.
Lilith.
Well, Frasier, there
is a precedent set.
We lost our stereo that day.
Well, he looked friendly.
He needed to use the phone!
It was 3:00 in the
morning, darling.
People have flats at
3:00 in the morning!
He was wearing a ski mask.
I won't open the
door to strangers.
Oh. One other thing.
Mmm, yes. Anything, my angel.
Would you stop by the lab
and pick up a short-haired rat...
I.D. number 17-A?
Oh, Whiskers.
Yes. I call him that
because his whiskers
are so pronounced.
Get it?
Whiskers... Whiskers.
Humor is all about making
those connections, darling.
Hey, Mayday!
Hey, Mitch!
Heads up!
Hey, everybody.
This is Mitch Ganzell.
NORM: Wow!
We used to pitch
together on the Sox.
Best arm in baseball.
Want to touch it?
(laughs)
Good to see you,
Sam. Yeah, you, too.
How long's it been?
Oh, I don't know.
What? 14, 15 years.
CARLA: Hey!
It's Ganzell! Hey! (laughing)
(grunts)
Oh, Carla, you still got it!
Yeah, and you can still have it.
Sit down.
What are you doing in town?
Well, I don't know if you've
been keeping track of the Sox
but they're really
hurting for relief pitchers.
Yeah, they got nobody. I know.
So, I'm thinking of
making a comeback,
try out for the farm team,
work my way back up.
(laughing): No, really, Ganzell.
What is it, family reunion?
I'm serious.
Heck, I'm not that old.
To be honest with you,
I really miss the game.
Anyway, tryouts are tomorrow.
I'm goin' for it.
What do you think, Sam?
Am I really crazy?
No! You're not crazy.
You kiddin' me?
You're fantastic.
If anyone can make
a comeback, it's you.
You were the best.
Excuse me a second.
Carla, uh... g-get Mitch
a drink on the house.
Better make it a
big glass of reality.
(laughing)
Sammy!
Sammy, Sammy, Sam?
I thought you said
he was the best!
You kidding me? He sucked.
We used to call
him "Mrs. Ganzell."
I was ten times
better than he was,
and he's making a comeback.
Can you believe that?
Yeah. You're right, Sammy.
You should be the
one back in baseball.
Oh... Yes, sir.
You should be the one
getting back in the game.
Well, I'm not saying I want to,
but I sure as hell
could, you know.
Well, the only reason I got out
of the game in the first place
is I was drinking and
all that, you know,
and I'm not doing that anymore.
I've still got my arm. Hell,
I'm in as good a shape
as I was when I was 18.
Same here.
No, really! I tell
you, Sammy, I can fit
in the same clothes
I wore in high school.
Matter of fact, uh,
if I'm not mistaken,
these are them.
You know... wait a second here.
This is not crazy. You know?
I mean, look at Nolan
Ryan. He's what... 45?
There you go. He's still
pitching in the majors.
If he can do it, I
can do it. Sure. Sure.
What do you guys
think? Seriously.
Well, Sammy, uh, we,
we'd love for you to do it.
I mean... well, it'd
give us back our lives.
What do you... what do you mean?
Sammy, it's no secret
we've been living
vicariously through you
for the past several years
and lately, frankly,
it's... gotten kind of boring.
That bad, huh? CLIFF: I mean,
we've actually been thinking
about living
vicariously through Phil.
So I get my socks
out of the dryer
and one of them's missing.
Hey, guys. Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second. Wait.
Wait, wait. I'm back
in the game, all right?
This is all gonna change.
NORM: All right! All right.
Yeah? Hey!
All right.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, brother. This is terrific.
What?
You want to play baseball again,
fulfill your little fantasy.
Well, why don't we all do that?
I mean, why don't I go back
to my high school prom? Huh?
Maybe I'd have a pretty dress.
Maybe I wouldn't
weigh 300 pounds
and be on tetracycline.
Sammy. Don't listen to her.
You want something,
you have to go for it.
If I didn't feel that way,
I'd still be sitting way
over there by the piano.
Take it easy, Mayday.
Yeah. Hey. Whoa. Hold
on a sec here, Mitch.
Uh, about those tryouts
you were talking about. Yeah.
Are they, uh, open for anybody?
Oh, sure. Why?
Well, you know, hearing
you talk got me thinking.
You know, maybe, uh...
maybe I got a couple of years
left in this arm, huh?
I mean, what the hell?
If you can do it, I can do it.
(laughing) Hey, Sammy,
there's a little bit
of difference here.
I was a good pitcher.
Oh, give me a break.
You stunk it up out there.
Oh, like hell I did.
I was every bit as good as you.
Oh, give me... Come on, man!
On your best days you
couldn't get it across the plate.
Well, at least I
could see the plate.
Hey, go to hell!
Oh, you go to hell!
(mutters)
(both laughing)
Whee! Gosh! It's great
to be back in the game.
Listen, if we both make
the team, let's room together.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
All right.
I'll see you.
Well, Whiskers, this is Cheers.
Cheers, this is Whiskers.
So, uh, Doc...
living the old carefree
bachelor life, huh?
(laughs) Yeah.
Yeah, I betcha
with your wife away,
if you wanted to,
you could, uh...
do a little, uh... swinging, eh?
Yes. There's nothing young
women find more attractive
than a middle-aged
man with a rat in a cage.
I hear you, Doc.
Yeah.
So, uh, has Sam returned
from his tryout yet?
Oh, he should be
back anytime now.
I'm telling you guys,
he's setting himself
up to be disappointed.
He's going to walk in
here feeling like a big loser.
What makes you think Sam's
as big a loser as you are?
Excuse me, Carla,
but I did not say
that he was as
big a loser as I am.
I am merely trying to point
out the fact that he's older,
and there are better,
faster, younger players.
Yeah, well I think that
you're gonna be surprised,
'cause Sam's gonna
make this team.
Right, guys?
Right, of course...
He's Mayday Malone.
Yeah, but, uh, hold on there,
Normie, what if he doesn't?
Thought about that?
A thing like that can
really hit a guy hard.
Yeah, he'll probably,
uh, storm back in here,
go in the office
and lock himself in
and, uh, maybe start
taking inventory of his life,
peruse over the setbacks,
the humiliations,
the wrong turns,
and all the while
fashioning his belt
into a makeshift noose.
I mean, we've all
done it a hundred times.
You okay, Cliff?
What are you asking me for?
Sam's the one with the problem.
Hello, Miss Howe.
You know, with, uh,
Sam on the road
playing pro ball,
I guess it's between you and me
as to who gets to run the bar.
Of course, the only
experience I have
is that I've been the
assistant bartender here
for the past six years.
Well, I will let my
record speak for itself.
Yes!
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
Carla's been here the longest.
If anyone should
take over, it's Carla.
Oh, no, no, no, not me.
I'm the kind of person
that doesn't like
responsibility.
What are you talking about?
You have eight children.
Well, I wouldn't if I
were responsible.
Well, I'd love to stick around
and see how things
turned out for Sam,
but it's time Whiskers
and I hit the road.
Oh, Dr. Crane, before
you go, can I see him first?
I love rats.
We used to have a lot of them
on the farm back in Hanover.
Kept the barn free of cats.
Woody, meet Whiskers.
Oh, my God, he's gone!
Wow, that's a neat
trick, Dr. Crane.
Now do it with a bunny. No!
Oh, no, Woody, you've
got to help me find him!
If Lilith comes back and
I haven't got Whiskers,
I'm dead meat!
You know, Dr. Crane,
once, back in Hanover,
I wanted to catch some rats
and I started playing a flute
and a bunch of them
followed me out of town.
And some children, too.
Oh, wait, was that a movie?
No, no, it happened.
Whiskers!
Here, Whiskers! Whiskers!
You know, there's a lot
of misunderstanding
about rats...
or Rodendus vermicitis,
as they're called in Latin.
It turns out
our long-tailed friend
wasn't, after all, responsible
for the dreaded bubonic plague
as alleged through history.
No, sir.
It's caused by an
animal called the bubon.
That's right.
And the thr*at, by
the way, is still with us.
So if anybody does see a bubon
contact your local authorities.
How about if we just see a boob?
Hey, guys, you're looking
at the two newest members
of the Red Sox farm team.
(all cheering)
Who says you can't
go home again, huh?
That would be Vera, Sammy.
Congratulations, Sammy.
We all knew you could do it.
Yeah. Hey, hey, buddy.
Let me have some
water there, will ya?
Hey, you were great out there.
Oh, you, too. You
were fantastic.
Whiskers!
Come on, Sam, we're
late for our appointment
with the team doctor.
Right behind you, Mitch.
We are gonna
put the Red Sox back
on the map, I'm tellin' ya.
(screams)
(grunting)
Oh, my arm, my arm!
My arm! My arm!
Relax, I'm a doctor.
Just remain still.
Try not to move. Now tell
me exactly what happened.
I saw a rat and I
fell down the stairs.
A rat?!
Where?! Whiskers! Whiskers!
Hey, Wood, what's in the mail?
Oh, just the usual. A couple
subpoenas from that Mitch guy.
Oh, hey, it's a
postcard from Sam.
All right. Oh, read it.
"Greetings from New
Britain, Connecticut,
home of Shade Leaf
Tobacco and Carions."
No, read what Sam wrote.
That is what Sam wrote.
Boy, oh, boy,
the thought of Sammy out there
on the mound chucking 'em down.
Yeah.
What I wouldn't
give to see that, huh?
No, it's only a $30 train ride.
Well, that's what
I wouldn't give.
Well, I finally
resigned myself to it.
We've tried everything.
There's no way we're
gonna find Whiskers.
A priceless, highly-trained
laboratory animal;
virtually irreplaceable,
so I went by the pet store
and dropped 99
cents on this guy here.
Well, what the hell?
They were gonna feed him
to the boa constrictor anyway.
What's all this other stuff?
Oh, I snuck this
out of the laboratory.
See, I've got exactly 48 hours
to teach this guy here everything
that his predecessor knew.
How are you gonna do that?
Well, if-if you
would, Rebecca...
with a series of mazes and
other such similar devices.
You see, lower forms of
intelligence can be trained
to perform simple actions
by rewarding them with food
when they perform
correctly, or punishing them
with electrical shocks when
they perform incorrectly.
Hey, look at that, Norm,
I pushed down
a lever, got a nut.
Hey! I got a shock!
I got another nut.
Ow! Hey!
A shock!
Oh, wait a minute. Let
me push your lever down.
Hey!
I got a shock, too!
Oh! That's a mean little sucker!
Ah, one of these times
it's bound to give us a nut.
Ow!
Here comes Paul.
Huh? Oh. Hey, hey, Paul.
Paul. Huh?
Listen, uh, do me
a favor, will you?
Will you, uh, press
one of those levers there
and see what happens, will ya?
It isn't some kind of
trick or something, is it?
Oh! What?
Hey, I got a peanut.
Thanks, guys.
Which, uh, lever did he press?
I thought you were watching.
Aw, it's probably...
Ah!
Frasier, I'm home.
Darling!
Look, Whiskers, it's Mommy.
Oh.
Look, hon, it's Whiskers.
You brought him to
the bar? Well, yes.
I didn't want to let him out of
my sight for a single minute.
I mean, you entrusted
me with his care,
and I took that
trust very seriously.
That's not Whiskers.
Of course it is.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. Have you
gone mad, woman?
I'm telling you, I swear to you
that this, this rat is Whiskers!
My Whiskers was
clever and bright-eyed.
This rat is sluggish and slow.
Well, he missed you.
I missed you. I'm...
sluggish and slow, too.
Also, Whiskers responds
to the sound of my voice.
This specimen shows no
sign of recognition whatsoever.
Whiskers? Whiskers?
See? No response.
Where's my rat, Frasier?
Lilith,
as a scientist and
as your husband,
I swear to you that
this rat is Whiskers.
And I must tell
you I'm a little hurt
by your accusation that
I might try to fool you.
I look you straight in the
eye and I swear to you
that this rat here is...
He's on my shoulder, isn't he?
Come here, Whiskers.
Surprise! I got Whiskers a mate!
Oh, you lucky rat. Oh!
Now he has female companionship.
Do I have female companionship?
Not for a long, long time.
Nice going, mister.
Let's see if you're as
sluggish in the snake cage.
MAN: Great game, Sam!
You still got that arm!
(people cheering)
Thanks, fellas!
I was pretty good, wasn't I?
Oh, man.
(mutters)
Oh, God!
(knocking at door)
Oh! Sammy?
Oh, hey.
Aah! Hey-hey!
Hey! Carla, huh?
What are you doing here?
Ah, I came down to see
the game. You were great!
Yeah, I was kind
of good, wasn't I?
Yeah.
Who's taking care of the bar?
Rebecca. Oh, my God!
Aw, I was just kidding. No one.
Ah, ah.
You scared me
there for a second.
Oh, Sammy, I...
seeing you up there...
Yeah?
It was so inspiring!
I mean, you're better than ever.
Thank you. You know,
everybody at the bar
is just so proud of you!
Look at you.
You look great!
You're pitching terrific!
Yeah, I was kind of
good out there, wasn't I?
Yeah!
Hey, Monday, how's it going?
Fine. Fine, Slim.
Actually, it's Mayday, Slim.
Mayday. Yeah, uh...
Kid around a lot...
That's my friend Carla Tortelli.
My roommate Slim.
Hey. Nice to meet you.
You, too, Slim.
Say, by the way, bunch of us are
going out for beer
and pizza, you know,
get a little wild,
do a little partying?
You interested?
Oh, thanks, but I'm here
to visit my friend Sammy.
Sam, you got another
clean shirt I can borrow?
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Not that one. Naw, go ahead.
Holy cow!
Feel free to get
undressed in front of me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, I mean, holy cow,
feel free to get
undressed in front of me.
Hey, Sammy! Great game, baby!
(chuckling)
Whoo!
Oh, here we go, here we go!
Whoo! All right,
fellas! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, gotcha, gotcha!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Time out! Time out!
(all laughing)
Catch ya later, Midday!
Mayday. It's
actually... it's Mayday!
(laughs)
Oh, you guys, man!
I'll catch up with
you clowns later!
Oh, they seem like a
fun bunch, huh, Sam?
Oh, they're the best, yeah.
That's, that's baseball.
That's what it's all about.
And God, I hate it so much.
Get me out of
here, Carla, please!
What are you talking about?
Who am I kidding? I hate this!
I mean, they,
they throw pillows!
They snap their towels!
And that's not funny.
That's just dangerous.
Did you see that
one guy pat my butt?
I mean, that's not right.
Come on. Hey, Sammy, lighten up!
Hey, hey, cut it out, will you?
This thing's got zippers!
What is wrong with you?!
Nothing's wrong with
me, Carla. I'm fine.
It's just... I don't think I
like baseball anymore.
You know, it's a,
it's a kids' game now.
And I'm not a kid anymore.
You know, I thought it
was gonna be like old times.
You know, that's the problem.
It, it was exactly
like old times.
You know, I've done
all this stuff before.
It's just not me.
Maybe you should give it
a little more time, Sammy.
I mean, you've only
been here a few weeks.
Hey, look, you can't quit now.
I'm not gonna let ya!
Come on, Carla.
You've supported me
in all my other decisions,
except for maybe
you know, going
out with Diane...
And selling the bar and
hiring Rebecca, and...
you know, deciding to have
a kid with her and everything.
What the hell kind of
friend are you, anyway?
Oh, Sammy, even though
I really think you quitting
is a bonehead decision,
I want you to be happy.
Come on. Let's pack your
bags and I'll drive you home.
I, I don't have
anything to pack.
The guys borrowed all my
clothes, even my underwear.
Let's just get out
of here, okay?
If you're really, really sure.
We just don't have
anything in common.
It's not like I can
ask them to grow up,
any more than I
can, well, stay a kid.
You know what I mean?
Oh, God. Here we go.
Hey, Sammy.
Hey, Slim.
I thought you guys were
gonna go barhopping, huh?
We figured we should
spend a night in.
Really?
Yeah.
After all, we're
in training, right?
You mean, you guys just
want to sit around and talk
and maybe watch a
little TV and hang out?
Well, sure, if, uh,
that's okay with you.
Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Yeah.
Yeah, we thought we'd
just come back to the room,
relax and maybe...
pants the new guy.
(raucous shouting)
Hey! Hey! Oh! Oh!
Hey! Hey! Cool it! Cool it!
Cool it. Game's over, you guys.
Aw...
Go on and take a break
and just leave Sammy alone.
Yeah.
Come on, Sammy.
Let's get you out of here.
Sorry, guys.
I'll see you around, huh?
Sam, just go wait in
the car for a minute.
I've got to give
these guys what for.
You know, you
guys, you just chased
one of the great
ballplayers out of the game.
I just got one thing
to say to you...
pants Slim!
(raucous shouting)
Hey, hey, save some for me!