11x01 - The Little Match Girl

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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11x01 - The Little Match Girl

Post by bunniefuu »

Next time on Cheers...

Oh. Oh, my God.

Guess who's having a fire sale?

This place means
so damn much to me.

The thought of living
without it, Sammy, I...

Somebody's been
playing with matches,

and that somebody
is our own Rebecca.

You b*rned down
the bar, didn't you?

Why, am I wearing a sign?

It was an accident,
just one of those things.

The fire was started by...

But how's she going to
explain that to Sammy?

You'll see next time...

Faulty wiring.

On Cheers.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Yep.

Woody's wedding was quite
an event, wasn't it, Norm?

Oh, man. Huh, huh?

Boy, what a night
that was. Yeah.

Yeah, the priest dying. Yeah.

Carla being caught
in a dumbwaiter.

Ha!

How about that German
guy trying to k*ll Sam?

"Du, dort!"

Remember that?

Yeah, oh, golly.

Oh, yeah, but all
that was nothing

compared to the
wedding itself. Yeah.

Oh, now, there was
a comedy of errors.

Hey, it's not quite 2:00.

What do you say we, uh,
stop off at Cheers, huh?

Won't, uh... won't
Vera be angry?

She'll never know.

Yeah, well, I guess not.

She... she sure put away

that champagne at the wedding.

Yeah, she's a big girl.

Yeah, she's still out cold, too.

Okay, just don't slam
the door when you get out.

And remember... cr*ck a window.

You're a good
husband, Norm Peterson.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Okay, Sammy, I'm going home.

I put away all the glasses.

The, uh, bottles
are in the storeroom,

and all the rest of the garbage

from the wedding's
in the office.

Thank you, honey, I'll lock up.

Where's Rebecca?

Just told you,
she's in the office.

Hey, Norm, uh, you mind

if we make a stop or
two on the way home?

I, uh, forgot to
finish my route.

Cliff, no.

Eh, all right. I'll
do it tomorrow.

Hey, Rebecca.

Hi, Sam.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm just
thinking, you know.

Weddings always make me do that.

I have nothing to show
for my life. Oh, come on.

You're being a little harsh
on yourself, aren't you?

I mean, come on,

take a look at today, right?

The wedding
started to fall apart.

You pulled the
whole thing together.

Yeah, I sort of did, didn't I?

You bet you did.

You know, you
know, I used to think

that if I married a
millionaire or if I had a baby,

I'd be a better person,
but now I realize

that the only thing

that's gonna make me
a better person is me.

Boy, as scary as
that sounds, it's true.

In fact, you see this cigarette?

This is the last cigarette
I'm gonna smoke forever.

This is gonna be my...

my symbol of change,

you know, the old
Rebecca burning away.

And I'll tell you
something else.

Starting tomorrow,

there's gonna be no more whining

and no more complaining.

I am gonna be the best manager

in the whole world.

Okay, good night.

I gotta get my life together.

No more screwups.

No more mistakes.

Good-bye, old Rebecca.

Well, I think we've got this
one pretty much under control.

You get hold of the owner?

Yes, sir, should
be here any minute.

Engines 28 and 30 can head back.

Oh...

oh, my God.

Mr. Malone.

Everything's under control.

The fire's out, no one was hurt.

It was basically confined
to this end of the bar.

Oh...

oh, this is terrible.

How did...

This is my bar.

Oh, man.

Oh, oh, yes, wait a minute.

Oh, thank God!

Whoo!

This is great.

This is really good.

I'm sorry?

Gary, you know, from
Gary's Olde Towne Tavern?

Oh, we're doing...

always doing pranks
like this, you know.

First, he makes the bar
look like it b*rned down,

and then he gets you
guys to go along with it.

You are very good.

Whoo!

Come on, lighten up, will you?

Come on, Gary!

Come on out.

Hey, you know, time
to push the button,

make everything go
back together again, Gary.

Gary!

It's not Gary, is it?

Sammy, this is terrible.

You know, it just hurts me

just to look at this place.

I know, I know.

But I'll tell you something.

As soon as the
insurance kicks in,

we're gonna get this place

back on its feet in
a couple of weeks.

I just wish I knew
how it started.

Hold it right there.

What are you saying, Sammy?

That a Tortelli kid
would torch his mother's

place of business
just for spite?

No, I'd never think that.

Why not? It's plausible.

Listen, just... just
start cleaning up.

You know, we're gonna...
all gonna feel better

if we just start cleaning up.

You know, I gotta say, Sammy,

you're taking this whole
thing pretty darn well.

Not like some people.

Oh, the humanity.

Norm, I wish you'd
stop saying that.

You've got to get
a hold of yourself.

I'm sorry, I... I just...

This place means
so damn much to me.

It's my home.

Hell, for the last few
years, it's been my life.

And the thought of
living without it, Sammy...

Oh, buddy.

Now, I'm gonna be over at Gary's

for the next few days, okay?

I want you to give me a call

when it looks decent, all right?

Somebody said
there'd been a fire.

Oh, my God,

I had no idea it was this bad.

Sam, what happened?

We don't know yet, sweetheart.

But don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine.

I've already called
the contractor,

phone company,

the electric guy.

I think that's everybody.

Sam...?

Well, almost everybody.

Well, Sam, I see you
monkeys have discovered fire.

Would you like to come upstairs

and see the
damage at Melville's?

You know, why not?

It might even cheer me up.

Hi, everybody.

What happened here?

Woody, we had a fire.

Oh, no.

This is terrible.

This is Cheers, my home
for the past seven years,

the place where I grew
up, and now look at it.

You ought to see the pool table.

It actually fused to the floor.

Really? Cool.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Cliff, was that
undelivered mail?

Oh, yeah, it was, Doc.

Oh...

my sweet Lord,
what a catastrophe.

I mean, there could be letters
from mothers to sons in there.

Social Security checks,
wedding invitations.

Well, there's only one
thing left for me to do now.

What's that, Cliff?

Get up early tomorrow

and stage a Jeep accident.

Well, it's a good thing
this fire didn't spread.

It could have
been like that fire

my great-grandmother's
cow started.

Darned thing
kicked over a lantern,

b*rned an entire
city to the ground.

Yep.

The shame was so great,
the family had to move to Ohio

and change their
last name to Wilkins.

But, Woody, you're from Indiana,

and your family name is Boyd.

Oh, well, some stuff
happened in Ohio.

Come on, Woody, we've
got to get to the airport.

You know, when
these things happen,

it really makes
you stop and think.

Bye, everybody.

Next time you
see us, we'll be tan.

Bye, Woody.

Well, I discovered
the cause of the fire.

Same old story.

Some idiot tosses a
cigarette into a trash can,

and the whole thing goes up.

Are you sure?

Yeah, seen it 100 times.

When are people gonna learn?

Are you all right?

Uh-huh, I'm fine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

You know, I couldn't help

overhearing that conversation.

Wild guess: your cigarette?

No.

Rebecca, you b*rned
down the bar, didn't you?

What, am I wearing a sign?

Are you gonna tell Sam?

Could you?

I don't really
think it's my place.

No, I mean, could
you tell him you did it?

Rebecca, you have a
very difficult choice to make.

My advice to you is to
simply tell Sam the truth.

He's gonna find out
about it in any event.

You're right.

He will.

All right, I'll tell him.

And I mean, he's
a friend of mine,

and it was an accident.

He'll understand, won't he?

Okay.

Thank you, I feel better.

Sam?

Could I talk to you a second?

Yeah.

Sam, we found out
how the fire got started.

You're kidding. No, and-and...

the guy said, you know,
he's seen it happen

100 times, so
he's seen it a lot.

How did it happen? What...

I-I'm getting to that, it's
just sort of hard to say.

Please tell me.

All right, all right, I-I'll...

The fire was started by...

Faulty wiring.

Faulty wiring?

Faulty wiring.

Been meaning to take
care of that for years.

My God.

I b*rned down my own bar.

Oh, Sam. Oh!

It's gonna be okay.

We all make stupid mistakes.

No.

Okay, guys, I got

the plastic bags.

You can start bagging the soot.

What happened to you?

Uh, a little Jeep accident.

Nice of you to, uh...
join us, Norm. Well...

Thought you were gonna
wait it out at Gary's. Well, I was,

but then it... I
came to my senses

and realized my place was here

helping Sammy.

If we all pitch in,
we'll have this place

back together in no time.

Gary wouldn't run
you a tab, huh?

No, he was a real
jerk about it, too.

Rebecca? What?

Have you told Sam
how the fire started?

Oh, yeah, I told him, and, uh,
he kissed me, and he hugged me,

and he-he told me what a
big person I was to tell him.

You didn't tell him, did you?

Of course not, you moron!

Rebecca, don't

you realize that
unless you tell him,

your guilt will get
progressively worse?

You'll start to shake.

You'll get the cold sweats,

insomnia, nervousness.

Suddenly one
morning, you'll wake up,

and you'll be paralyzed
from fear and guilt.

I can live with that.

It'll just be like
every other Monday.

Well, I called the
insurance company.

We're not getting a penny.

What?!

Well, it turns out

that my insurance policy,
uh, had a $25,000 deductible.

Isn't that rather high, Sam?

Yes, it is,

Mr. Where The Hell Were You

When the Agent Was
Talking a Mile a Minute?

God, man, I'm, um,

in a lot more trouble
than I thought I was.

Rest easy, my friend.

I'm gonna take out my checkbook,

and I'm going to write,

"Pay to the order

of Sam Malone."

Then I'm going
to fill in an amount

that will be more than adequate

to bring Cheers back
to its former glory.

There. I've signed it.

Now all we need is the
signature of Lilith Sternin-Crane.

Oh, she'll put up a
fight, the little badger,

but this is important to
you, so it's important to me.

I'm simply gonna go home
and demand that she sign it.


Yes, demand!

I don't care what she says.

She will sign it!

Thanks, Fras.

Uh, you know,
I'll probably just go

to a bank or
something, you know?

Oh, thank you, Sam, thank you.

There was... no way.

You understand.

Your monthly cash flow is,

uh, this figure here?

And now you want us

to grant you a loan?

Yes, please, and by
the end of the day, too.

Thank you. Uh-huh.

Am I on one of those programs
with the hidden camera?

Oh, no, I-I'm afraid you're not.

I know I'm not.

I was making a point.

Mr. Malone,

there is no way we
can grant you a loan.

I've been to every bank in town.

They've all said no.

Listen, oh, come on, you know,

you're supposed to
be the friendly bank.

Remember, you know...

♪ We're the friendly bank... ♪

Mr. Malone...

Oh, come on. I've seen
the commercial. You know,

you-you're supposed to sweep
everything off your desk here

and offer me a cup of coffee.

You don't even
have any coffee here!

Mr. Malone, good afternoon!

Oh, please. Don't you
remember? You know...

♪ You and us ♪

♪ Working it out together... ♪

Doris, do send in Security now.

You know, ♪ You and us ♪

♪ Making the world better... ♪

Sam...

I b*rned down the bar.

And, you know, see,
speaking of bars burning down,

guess what I did?

Hi, Sam. Did you get the loan?

No.

Oh.

It's all right,
though, you know.

It's not the end of the world.

Yeah, I've been
thinking long and hard.

I got a plan here.

You know, I figured
that if I, uh... if I cash in

my baseball pension, you
know, max out my credit cards

and maybe move to
a cheaper apartment,

and...

well... sell the Vette.

A neighbor of mine, Kirby, uh,

had his eye on
it for a long time,

and, uh, he's upstairs
right now taking a look at it.

No, no. Sammy, your Vette?

Well, I... You know,
it'll be all right, um...

she'll come back to me.

She'll-She'll find me.

Like...

Lassie?

All right, Sam, you
got yourself a deal.

All right, okay.

There's the check. Yeah, thanks.

Thanks, Kirby. That's great.

The, uh... the
title and the, uh,

registration are in the
glove compartment. Yeah.

Okay. Great.

Well, uh, so I guess all
I need now are the keys.

Sam, the, uh, keys?

Thanks.

Thanks.

No, no! Wait! Wait...!

Please.

Listen, there-there's
another way.

I just thought of another way.

See, I can get this money.

All I have to do is, uh, come up

with a simple product
that America needs.

What?

No. Listen to me. You
know, like-like the Pet Rock.

Or the, uh... You
know, the vacuum thing

that-that cuts your
hair at the same time.

Or-Or maybe even, you
know, the-the toilet duck.

You-You know, just throw
it together from scraps

around here, you know,
and-and sell millions of 'em.

You know, why didn't I,
uh, think of that before?

Sam, you're just making
this harder on yourself.

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, they, uh,

stole that toilet
duck idea from me.

Hmm?

Yeah. Yeah, you see, uh,

in my original sketches,
I had it as a goat.

Look, uh, Sam,

if you don't mind, uh,

I'm ready to drive my
Corvette home now.

Sorry, Sammy. Oh.

Thanks.

Kirby, take care of her.

This is a day I
never thought I'd see.

Yeah, me, too.

You know what makes it worse?

This is all my fault.

You know, I'm the one
who did this to myself.

If I'd checked the
wiring, you know?

That's a stupid mistake

I'm gonna live with
the rest of my life.

Oh, come on, what
is it now, Rebecca?

I have something
I have to tell you.

Sam, the fire wasn't your fault.

I was smoking a cigarette,
and I b*rned down your bar.

You did this?

You did this to me?

Yes, yes, of course.

Why didn't I figure
this out earlier?

My bar burns down,
you're within 50 miles...

It all fits.

Sam, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, what-what...
what were you thinking?

Huh?

You tired of screwing
up your own life?

You start to pick on mine?

You know, of all the stupid,

stupid things you've done

in your useless life,

this is your masterpiece!

I'll tell you what. Why...?

Get out.

Get out of my bar.

Sam, it was an accident.

She had it coming.

Nobody had that coming.

I don't want anyone
to defend her.

She's gone. Case closed.

Let's just get
back to work here.

I'll give you a hand.

Well, I guess we've seen
the dark side of Sam Malone.

Hmm. You want to see dark sides,

you ought to see Ma

when you leave
the shower curtain

on the outside of the tub.

Wow.

That's something
you don't do twice.

I know you don't want
me here, and I'm going.

I just wanted to drop this off.

I cashed in my checking
account and savings,

and, uh, everything I
could scrape together.

I owe you this.

Good-bye, Sam.

Rebecca, wait-wait a minute.

No.

Sam, look, you and I don't have
anything to say to each other.

You said some things today
that you cannot take back,

and you really hurt me.

And I know that
what I did was terrible,

but what you did was worse
because you did it on purpose.

I don't want to ever
see you or this bar again.

Good-bye.

Do you want your job back?

Yeah, I really do!

I'm sorry.

Listen, uh,

why-why don't I, uh,

get my jacket and
drive you home?

Or maybe, uh...

maybe we'll take a walk.

It's such a nice, nice evening.

Sam, uh, just out of curiosity,

why are you taking me back?

Well, I... I remember
that five years ago,

after I had sold this place,
I came back to the bar,

and, you know, my boat had sunk,

I didn't have a dime,
I didn't have a job,

and I needed someone to give
me a break, and you did that.

And I owe you one.

Sam...

Hey, listen, uh, this
is very important.

We're even now.

Oh...

Yeah. All right.

You want to go out and
get a pizza or something?

Sure. All right.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Um, I don't have any money.

Oh, that's okay.
We'll-We'll just

take it out of my life savings.

All right.

This should just about cover it.
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