11x06 - Teaching with the Enemy (Part 1)

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cheers". Aired: September 1982 to May 1993.*
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"Where everybody knows your name..."
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11x06 - Teaching with the Enemy (Part 1)

Post by bunniefuu »

You were having an affair!

What you saw was me
saying good-bye to him.

Well, then, he must
be hard of hearing.

You had his ear in your mouth.

Coming up next time on Cheers,

the Cranes have got
major love trouble.

I have got major dish
bottled up inside me.

And it's just dying to get out.

Now, before Becky blabs it all,

there's only one
thing for Lilith to do.

Fess up to Frasier.

I cheated on you. That was it!

Ouch. Next time on Cheers.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

This is the third time we've
been here in two weeks, Sam.

Any idea why you're
having so many fights?

Yeah, yeah, ever since
that biker bar closed down,

we're getting these
big apes coming in here.

I mean, what are
we supposed to do?

Be grateful.

You know something,

if you'd get over here
when I called you,

none of this would've happened.

Oh, oh, look at this.

Woody. Oh, man,
are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

We're gonna have
to file an injury report.

You bet you are. Tell him,
tell him what happened.

Well, I was downstairs
getting a case of scotch,

and there's that one low beam...

What happened here?

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Can you believe this guy winning
12 million bucks in the lottery?

I... I mean, talk about
b*ating the odds.

Oh, yeah, you want to
talk about b*ating the odds,

my Uncle Spence fell
20,000 feet from an airplane

and hit the only pile
of hay for two miles.

Jeez.

He must be the
luckiest man on earth.

Well, not really.

He went through
the propeller first.

There's the scariest human
being I've ever seen in my life.

Hmph. Boy. Yeah.

Remind me to congratulate
the doctor who created him.

You Sam?

Yeah, that's me. Are you Tiny?

I'll be right with you.

Uh, Sam, you
ought to think about

wearing those reading
glasses all the time.

That guy's huge.

No, no, no, no.

That's his name.
Tiny's his name.

He was the bouncer
at that biker bar.

I figure if we're gonna
have that crowd in here,

I might as well have him
around. What do you think?

Oh, please, Sam.

If I promise to feed
him, can I keep him?

Yeah, I'll ask him.

Hey, Tiny, why don't
you fill out this application

so I can start checking
your references.

That's nuts.

Sam's wasting his money.

I could have done that job.

Sure, I'm taking karate
down at the YW...

The "Y."

So, Tiny, huh?

That's a pretty funny
nickname given,

you know, how big you are.

Why?

You making fun of my name?

You think I got a joke name?

Do you think I'm
some kind of joke?

Tell Vera I loved her.

Hey, wait, ho! Excuse me here.

Tiny there, my main man.

Hey, uh, step into my office.

I'll take care of this, Normie.

You see, Tiny, uh,

you know, calling you "tiny,"
a guy of your, you know, girth,

uh, is what we in the comedy
profession call a juxtaposition.

Right? Yeah. Juxtaposition.

See, it's, uh,

calling a... calling
a... a bald guy "Curly."

Fat guy "Slim."

Tall guy... "Shorty."

I like that. You're smart.

Why, thank you.

No, that's your new nickname.

Get it? I made a joke.

And a fine joke it is, too, sir.

Hey, guys.

Now I know you sent
me out for snack food,

but I found this place called
The Healthy Alternative.

Now they have all your
favorite munchies, only organic,

with tofu and soy
and that sort of thing.

So I drove right past it,
went to the grocery store,

and got you a big
box of Fiddle Faddle.

Hey.

Lilith, I'm so jealous of you.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I-I saw you outside.

After seven years of marriage,

how do you guys keep
your relationship so hot?

I don't know what you mean.

Outside, I saw you in the car.

You were all over him.

Come on, it was great.

You were steaming up the
windows like a couple of teenagers.

Well, I've just won
five games in a row.

When you're hot, you're hot.

Oh, hi, Buttercup.

Now that's odd.

He's here and I just
saw the two of you

out in the... Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

Uh, nothing. Rebecca and I

just have to have a
little talk in the office.

It's private. Oh, my God!

Anything I can help you with?

No, I can handle
it ably on my own.

Well, I'm here if you need me.

Lilith, I don't
want to hear this.

Calm down, Rebecca.

I've got enough to deal with
without you going berserk on me.

Yes, that was me
you saw in the car,

and, obviously, the man
with me was not Frasier.

Lilith, you are
having an affair!

It isn't an affair.

It was a one-time fling.

I've been working side by
side with this man for months,

and I'm afraid
our latent desires

just got the better of us.

It's the old story.

One moment we were
feeding the lab rats

and the next thing we knew,
we were in a hotel room.

What you saw was me
saying good-bye to him.

Well, then he must
be hard of hearing.

You had his ear in your mouth.

We both know it was a mistake.

It will never happen again.

What are you gonna do now?

Well, there's only
one thing I can do.

I have to tell Frasier.

Now, until I find the time
to tell him in my own way,

you must promise me

you're not going to say
anything to him about this.

Well, how the hell
am I gonna do that?

What?

Because this is juicy stuff.

The more I'm
sitting here thinking

that I should keep
my mouth shut,

the more I want
to just go out there

and blab it all over.

I know that's wrong,
but it's just me.

Please, Rebecca, you'll
only have to control yourself

for a little while.

Frasier and I are
going to have dinner

with another couple
up at Melville's,

and as soon as it's
over, I'll break it to him.

Lilith, you have a big
problem. Yes, I know.

My entire marriage is on
extremely shaky ground.

No, I mean you only
have about an hour

until I blow.

Hi. Welcome to Cheers.

You want to feel
the plate in my head?

I can make it move.

No, uh, we're just
looking for friends,

and, uh, they're
not here. So, bye.

Sammy, that's guy's making
me a little nervous, okay?

What're you talking
about? The guy's great.

He's already stopped two
fights, keeping everybody in line.

Best of all, he thinks minimum
wage is two dollars an hour.

Wow, you're cheating him
out of 50 cents an hour?

Boy, I'll tell you,
having Tiny in this bar

is about the most exciting thing

that's happened around
here in a long time.

Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.

No, I-I think the most
exciting thing, uh,

contrary to your belief, Carla,

was when, uh, Sammy fiddled
around with the cable box

and we were able to
get The Playboy Channel

all day long, huh?

Well, you know, some people
who didn't know any better

might think that
that was interesting.

Well, how about, uh, last week

when Phil told us
that he did time?

Now that was juicy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, real juicy.

I don't think so.

What are you trying
to say, Rebecca?

I'm trying to say that
I have got major dish

bottled up inside me.

And it's just dying to get out.

Oh, God, here it
comes. I can feel it.

It's coming up through my chest.

I can feel it in my throat.

It's...

So, Phil, what did
you do time for?

I held up a Piggly Wiggly.

Can I now get on
with my life, please?

Is the, uh, TV too
loud for you folks?

Tiny?

The TV's not actually on.

Then why do I keep hearing
the k*ll 'Em, Tiny show?

Sammy, you heard that.

The guy is nuts.

Oh, yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just,
you know, talk to him.

Tiny, could I talk
to you for a second?

Yo!

How you doing?

Oh, great, Sam.

Listen, and don't you worry.

There won't be any trouble
in here while I'm around.

I just hope somebody tries.

Do you want me to tell
you what I'm gonna do

if somebody starts some trouble?

Uh, no, actually,

I don't think I want
to hear that, man.

Okay, but I did
draw you a picture.

Well, how can I...

Oh, my God.

Uh...

So, uh, did you want
to tell me something?

No, well, no, no,
uh, just, uh, carry on.

Carry on. Okay.

Carla...

look what this guy drew.

That's nothing.

I got worse than that
on my refrigerator.

Here is my question.

Now I had the seafood salad.

You had the poached salmon.

Neither of us had
any appetizers.

They had appetizers and soup

and the lobster special,

and yet we split
the meal fifty-fifty.

Now, am I wrong, or did
we just get royally ripped?

Frasier, we need to talk.

You're darned right
we do. I don't know

if I want them as
friends anymore.

No, I mean I have
to tell you something

that's rather serious.

What is it, Lilith? In fact,

I daresay you're gonna
find it extremely upsetting.

All right.

Well, I think we should
discuss it at home.

No, no, no, Lilith, you
just don't tell someone

that you're going to upset them
and then just let them dangle.

Whatever it is, just
tell me right now.

I'll be upset,
then I'll get over it.

We can go on with our lives.

Please, let's just go home.

No, Lilith, I want to know

right now.

All right, if you must
know immediately,

I'll tell you.

Have a seat.

Oh, great.

It's... It's "have a seat" bad.

Just-Just

give me a minute to,
uh, to brace myself.

Uh, I know, I'll simply
imagine the worst thing

you could possibly tell me,

and whatever your news
is, it will pale by comparison.

In fact, whatever it
is, it... it'll be a relief.

Okay, okay, uh...

what is the worst
thing I can imagine?

All right, I've got it.

Lilith, your news, please.

This afternoon,

in a moment of
extreme weakness...

I cheated on you.

That was it!

That was the worst thing!

Try to remain calm.

How can I remain calm

when you tell me you
slept with another man?!

You slut!

I-I... I can't believe that.

I knew the whole time.

I have known it
for over an hour.

And I didn't say a
word to anybody.

I kept a secret. I kept...

Tragic, isn't it?

You're still angry, aren't you?

How can you tell?

The fact that this park
bench used to be chained

to that cement block next to
the statue of George Washington.

I wanted to be alone.

This is a very serious
matter, Frasier.

Yes, it is serious, Lilith.

However, I will refrain from
indulging in clichéd reactions...

Rage, the crying, the screaming,

the hurling of epithets:

tramp, whore, slut,
floozy, bitch, ad infinitum.

You did call me slut.

Yes, but I didn't call you a
tramp, whore, floozy or bitch.

I have too much
respect for you...

even though you
have been a slut.

Of course you deserve to know

everything that
happened and why.

Look, all I want to know is who.

Who it is doesn't matter.

This is about us.

The identity of the
other person is irrelevant.

Fine, Lilith, I respect that.

It'll be just one more
secret between us.

One more brick in the wall.

All right.

It was my colleague,

the distinguished research
scientist, Dr. Louis Pascal.

The bald guy?!

Frasier...

I never meant to hurt you.

But for so long now
I have felt so alone.

It seems we can't talk
without getting into a fight.

Even the smallest conversation
erupts into bickering.

It just goes on every... Oh, I
can see what's going on here.

I can't believe I didn't
think of this sooner.

I'm such a dope.

What are you talking about?

You're in your
mid-30s, right? Yes.

It's perfectly natural for you

to be examining
your life right now.

You are comparing the
expectations you had

of yourself in the past

with what you've actually
achieved up to now.

Frasier, that... No, no, wait.

Wait, let me finish.

And how many years
have we been married?

Seven.


The perfect time for you

to be reexamining
our relationship.

You're practically a cliché.

Frasier, I am not a cliché.

I'm talking about something... Oh, please,
you got hit with the old double whammy.

Of course you had a fling.
And why wouldn't you?

Thank God. For a while I
thought we had a problem.

Frasier, you're
not listening to me.

"You're not listening to
me." Right out of the textbook.

I can't tell you how annoying
this is. Of course you can.

Volumes have been written on
how annoying analysis can get.

Frasier, I'm gonna
ask you one more time.

This is our marriage
we're talking about.

Our lives.

Stop being a psychiatrist
and start being my husband.

All right, Lilith.

I'll be your husband.

But for seven years now

we've tried to build
something together,

and I think we've
done a pretty good job.

It's not worth throwing
it all away on something

so empty, meaningless
and unfulfilling.

Actually...

I don't want to hear it!

Frasier, don't you
see that this incident

is symptomatic of
much larger problems?

We can work on that.

We owe it to our marriage.

But you must
march over to Pascal

and tell him, in
no uncertain terms,

that you will never
see him again.

Very well.

I'll go now.

Certainly you're being
very rational about this.

Very civilized.

Well, I'm... I'm
nothing if not civilized.

By the way,

this Pascal, is he married?

No.

Why?

I thought I could bag
his wife, even the score.

I'm sorry. I'm venting.

Go.

Oh, people. Sheesh.

Think they'd never seen
a blowtorch scar before.

Wow.

Who took a blowtorch to you?

I did.

I let myself down.

Nobody lets Tiny down.

Sammy, you've gotta
get rid of that guy.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

You're right, you're
right. Let him come.

I'll fire him.

Say, um... Tiny?

Could you step over
here for a second?

Oh. Um...

Listen, I want to talk to you
about the job for a minute.

I want you to know

it's not that we don't
like having you here.

It-It's just that, uh, well...

Knock, knock.

I'm sorry. What?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The dead guy.

Oh, boy.

The, uh, dead guy who?

The dead guy that I k*lled.

Get it?

I thought I heard 'em all, man.

Oh...

So, uh, what were you
saying about the job?

Uh, well, it was just that, uh,

we-we were all... talking and,

uh...

we have decided, uh, to make
you the Employee of the Month.

Thank you.

Yeah, all right.

All right, thanks.

Sam, what gives?

I've been working my butt
off for you for seven years,

and you're making Tiny
the Employee of the Month?

Not, not now, man.

I-I'm trying to think of
a way to get rid of him.

Boy, you are one fickle guy.

All right, all right, please,

please, help me,
help me out here.

Excuse me, excuse me. Wait.

Can I just be the
voice of reason here

and suggest that we keep Tiny.

Personally, I think
he's a welcome addition

to the Cheers family.

Please, we gotta do this, Carla.

I get it. This is an
ego thing, huh? Right?

A handsome man
comes into this bar,

and you just can't
stand it, can you?

Wait, hold it. I've got an idea.

I got an idea. Wait, whoa, whoa.

Listen, come here. What we do

is we tell him that
Cheers was built

on an ancient burial ground
and we scare him out of here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Wait, wait, no,

I got one, I got one.

No, no, listen, this is
very popular nowadays.

Tell him we have
radon gas, very deadly,

seeping up through the floorboards,
and we're all goners anyway.

Yeah, okay, what
about a b*mb thr*at?

What about treating him like
a human being with feelings?

No, that-that would nev...

Oh, man,

I'm sorry. We never, we...

Uh, I'm big, not deaf.

I'll go now.

Nice working with you folks.

Hey!

Whoo! Yeah!

Greetings, all.

Hey, Frasier.

What can we get you?

Oh, uh, just a
scotch, please, Sam.

Boy, what a day I've had.

I'd like to unwind.

I think I've earned it.

Well, coming
right up, Dr. Crane.

No, I've really
earned it, Woody.

I mean, this was a real bad day.

I'll tell you when
to stop, Woody.

One more, Woody.

One more for the...

the big stooge.

One more for the big loser.

One more for the big boob.

Hey, hear that?

Frasier wants to
buy you guys a drink.

Woody, Woody, come
to me for a moment here.

Listen, when you
go home tonight...

to your wife Kelly,

you treat her right.

You promise me.

Treat her right.

Hell of a woman.

If I wasn't married, I'd be
all over her like white on rice.

That perky little
caboose of hers.

There you go.

What's this?

That's, uh, black
coffee on the house.

Very generous.

You guys are true friends

to stand by me in
my hour of need.

Fras, come on, we all know
what you're going through.

Oh, oh, do you, Norm?

What if you found out Vera
was sleeping with another man?

Yeah, right.

And what if it rained beer?

I want you all to know
I'm not blaming her.

It's because of me that my life
is in the arms of another man.

Uh, well, you mean
"wife," don't you, Dr. Crane?

What? You said "life."

"It's because of me my life is
in the arms of another man."

Oh, that's a-that's a
Freudian slip there, Woody.

What's a Freudian slip?

Oh, that's when
you say one thing

when you're actually
thinking about a mother.

Frasier?

I need to speak
with you in private.

Oh, no, you don't.

I want everyone here to hear
what I've got to say to you.

Lilith, I realize

that it is I and not
you who are to blame.

Whatever you've done,

I'm sure I gave you
ample reason for it.

I've been...
arrogant, overbearing,

selfish, self-absorbed.

I've spent way too
much time in this place.

I really think we should go
somewhere else to discuss this.

No, Lilith, so you
had a fling? So what?

I've put all that behind me.

I forgive you.

And I-I take you
back with open arms.

I'm sorry, Frasier.

I wanted to break it
off with Dr. Pascal,

but I'm afraid it's more
serious than I thought.

I think I'm in love with him.

And... I'm leaving you.

Oh, this is twice today

that I publicly made
a fool of myself.

Oh, you get used to it, Doc.
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