Next time on Cheers...
Yup. Adolf h*tler is living
in my apartment building.
Alert the media.
Clifford Clavin,
postman and private eye,
has a startling discovery.
Say hello to Mr. Ear.
What he's heard
will surprise you.
Mr. Ear.
Now he's hot on the trail,
leaving no stone unturned.
If I'm not back in two hours,
call the Defense Department.
Tell them h*tler's alive and
living in my apartment building.
See Cliffie on the case.
They know the address.
Coming up next time on Cheers.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Hi, Miss Howe.
Hi, Kelly.
This... is for you.
For me?
What is it?
Oh, Kelly, this is beautiful.
Why me?
Because I like you and you've
always shown me friendship.
Well, that's sweet, Kelly.
Thank you.
And I want you to keep
your hands off my man.
Do we understand each other?
Not really.
Don't play dumb
with me, Miss Howe.
I invented it.
You know, Woody tells
me how you look at him.
Kelly, I don't look at him.
I know you do, Miss Howe,
and I'm prepared to buy
you one of these every month
if you keep away from my Woody.
Well, you know,
Kelly, he is awfully cute.
All right, one a week.
Do we have a deal? Deal.
Do you know where Carla is?
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
A Scotch, please, Sam.
And how about a beer
for my friend Norm there?
Thank you, Fras.
You're certainly in a
chipper mood today.
And why not? It's
a beautiful day.
Yeah, good for you.
You know, it's amazing
how fast you've gotten
over your separation.
Well, a healthy mental
attitude... that's my secret.
Without that, you're nothing.
Ah, that's great, that's great.
You're completely over Lilith.
I'm sorry, who?
Lilith, your wife.
Never heard of the slut.
Big news, everybody.
Put down your beer mugs
and hold on to your barstools.
Me and Ma just
got a new neighbor,
moved into our
apartment building...
Little guy, about a
hundred years old,
up from South America,
thick German accent,
little mustache
right about here.
Likes to paint.
I think you know where
I'm going with this.
Sweet Lord, I'll bet I do.
Yep, Adolf h*tler is living
in my apartment building.
Cliff, I don't even know
why I have to tell you this,
but h*tler is dead.
He d*ed at the end of
World w*r II in that bunker.
Oh, yeah, really?
Were you at the bunker?
Yeah, as a matter
of fact... Cliff,
throughout the years, we've
become accustomed to your...
Oh, how shall I
delicately put this?
Uh... madness.
Now, for my own peace
of mind, please assure me
that you're not going
to march up to this man
and accuse him
of being der Führer.
No, my accusations won't come
until after I complete
my investigation.
The case will be rock solid,
and it'd better be.
I-I've been wrong
twice before, you know.
Sa-am.
Wha-at?
I haven't been down
here since the fire.
By the way, when are
you going to rebuild?
We have.
Oh, well, and it looks very...
The reason I'm down here
is, last night our refrigerator
went on the fritz,
leaving us with a hundred
pounds of mackerel,
which may or may
not have gone bad.
Now, not wanting to take a
chance with my customers,
I'm prepared
to offer a special
to your patrons.
All-you-can-eat for two dollars.
Oh, whoa, whoa,
wait a second here.
What makes you think my
customers want your rotten fish?
W-W-W-Wait, Sammy,
wa-wa-wait now.
Uh... let's just say, Mr. Hill,
that this, this
fish has spoiled.
Uh, what would happen to us?
Oh, you could suffer
a variety of symptoms
ranging from nausea to death.
Two bucks, you say?
Fair enough.
Oh, good, my package
from Amityville has arrived.
Ah, Miss Tortelli.
Tell me, is that a new hairdo
or did someone toss a
toaster in your bathtub?
What am I saying?
What would you be
doing in a bathtub?
Cleaning you out of the drain.
Yeasty oil slick.
Bladder polyp.
Manwich.
Perverted goat boy.
Sluttish mole.
7:00 tonight?
Make it 6:30.
That man is the foulest, most
disgusting, hideous creature
to ever walk the
face of this earth,
and he's all mine.
Well, I'm gonna
head up to Melville's,
see if they've got another
fish fry going today.
Hey, actually, Norm,
you ought to be
careful, you know.
I think you were
just lucky yesterday
that you didn't get really sick.
Who said I didn't get sick?
Well, all right, everybody.
Drop what you're doing,
stop the presses.
Nobody's going to be making fun
of Cliff Clavin anymore.
That's for sure.
Look, what I found in
the trash of Mr. A. h*tler.
Behold, exhibit "A."
What's this, a check stub here?
It's a Social
Security check stub,
and it sickens me.
To think that we Americans
worked our fingers
to the bone
so Mr. h*tler could
have creamed corn.
A cereal box?
That's right, Paul,
it's a cereal box.
I guess we can determine that...
Trix are for kids
and for der Führer.
Cliff, what is that thing?
This is the most sophisticated
and high-tech listening device
that money can buy.
Gentlemen,
say hello to Mr. Ear.
Mr. Ear.
That's right, you see,
if I'm going to stop
the Fourth Reich from happening,
I have to know every
move that h*tler makes.
With this baby,
I can hear a pin
drop at 500 feet away.
See those two chicks up there?
I'll tell you exactly what
they're talking about.
They're talking about some
stupid-looking yutz holding a...
Never mind.
All right.
Look, wish me luck, everybody.
If I'm not back in two hours,
call the Defense Department.
Tell them h*tler's alive and
living in my apartment building.
They know the address.
You know, Cliff's pulled
some pretty crazy stunts
through the years, but...
this is really starting
to get me worried.
Yeah, maybe Cliff is really
going over the edge here.
Gentlemen,
if I may be the voice of reason,
what if it is h*tler?
Woody,
I heard every word you said.
Thanks for being
in my corner, pal.
I knew he was listening.
Now, when he snaps,
maybe he'll spare me.
Well, bad news, boys.
No fish fry at Melville's.
Apparently, John
Hill had a heart att*ck.
Oh, really?
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Relax, Rebecca,
there'll be other fish fries.
It's okay.
Let's look at the
long view here.
I was talking about John Hill.
What hospital is
he in? Arlington.
Should we visit
him at the hospital?
Who wants to go?
Come on, you guys,
he's our neighbor.
We know him, we should
see him in the hospital.
Rebecca, it's not like he's
our best friend or anything.
Norm, that's not the point.
The point is, you have to
pretend to be nice to people.
That's what makes
you a good person.
Hello, yes, I want to
inquire about the status
of one of your patients...
Mr. John Allen Hill.
Oh, thank you.
That's great news.
Oh, thanks very much.
Whoa, thank God.
Dead, Sam?
No, he's not dead.
He's in stable condition.
That's a terrible
thing to say, Woody.
You're always acting
like you don't like him.
That doesn't mean
I wish he were dead.
Well, what about yesterday
when you said "I
wish he was dead"?
Hi, everybody.
Carla, what are you doing here?
Living my lifelong dream,
fulfilling all my fantasies.
I'm a cocktail waitress.
What do you think
I'm doing here?!
Sam, she doesn't
know about Hill yet.
What are we going to do?
This is going to crush her.
Oh, all right, I'll,
uh, I'll tell her.
Sam, news of this
gravity should be delivered
by someone who has
studied the human psyche
in great detail...
Someone who has tact,
compassion, and an
understanding of the human heart.
Okay, Dr. Crane, I'll do it,
but you've got to
deliver this martini.
Carla!
Woody.
What?
I was referring to myself.
Oh, right.
Calling Dr. Von Ego.
Carla, may I have
a word with you?
Sure. Please, sit down.
What I'm about to tell you
may be a little difficult to hear.
Oh, my God.
And before I tell you what
it is, I just want you to know
that we are all your
friends and we support you.
What is it?
Carla, John Hill has
had a heart att*ck.
Oh, my God.
Hill had a heart att*ck?
John Allen Hill
had a heart att*ck?
That's what you
were trying to tell me?
From the way you were acting,
I thought something
happened to my car.
Carla, you knew?
Of course I knew.
I'm the one who
called the ambulance.
Oh, well, then you were there.
W-W-What, what happened?
Well, Hill and I were
in the middle of doing it.
Next thing I know,
he's clutching his
chest and turning blue.
I took it as a compliment
till he fell to the floor.
So, uh, why didn't you
go with him to the hospital?
I hate hospitals.
I'll send him a card
later if I think of it.
Now, just a
minute, Carla, listen.
You've been seeing this
man for over a year now.
Don't you have
any feelings for him?
Listen, Doc, I've had
guys run out on me.
I had a husband die on me.
I got eight kids at
home to worry about.
I don't need to go getting
attached to some other guy
just because we sweat
up the sheets now and then.
I couldn't care less about Hill.
You feel so strongly
about him, you go visit him.
You ready to order?
Uh, yes, we'd like a gin
and tonic with a lime, please,
a Diet Coke, a Manhattan up,
and we'll also need some
fresh pretzels and, and...
I-Is there something
wrong, Miss?
My boyfriend's in the hospital.
I'm so ashamed.
I called Hill my boyfriend.
What's wrong with me?
Carla,
you've come down with a bad case
of humanity.
A malady characterized
by bouts of compassion,
warmth and caring.
I mean, who knows, this
sort of thing could go on
for the rest of your life.
Shut up, fathead!
Or it could pass in
a matter of seconds.
Everybody, just leave me alone.
You're making this
into something it's not.
Carla, you cannot hold
something like this inside of you.
Yeah, Carla,
I never shared how I feel
and now I'm old and all alone.
If there's one
thing I learned...
Hey, Phil, zip it!
Look, first of all,
I don't have any
feelings for that slug.
Second of all, you
never saw me cry.
Third, I'd like to stay and chat
but I've got work to do.
Sam, I want to talk
to you in the office.
Oh, I don't, I
don't want to hear
about her relationship
with John Hill.
I don't understand what they do
when they get together anyway,
and I don't want to.
I wish there was some
way I could get out of this.
Well, why don't you
just wish she was dead?
Hey.
How ya doin', huh?
Oh, Sam.
Hill's in the hospital
and it's all my fault.
Naw, see, now you can't
blame yourself for that.
Oh, but it's true.
You see,
last night started out
as just an average date.
Hill and I getting it
on hot and heavy.
I'm cursing at him,
he's cursing at me...
Some real beauties.
The headboard was
begging for mercy.
Do me a favor and
just cut the chase.
Unless there was a
chase and... oh, God, no.
Uh...
I'm a little... Okay. Okay.
Just before he keeled over,
I went over the line.
I said something so awful, I...
I can't even repeat it.
Oh, honey.
Well, what'd you say?
I'm sorry, what?
I told him I loved him.
And that's...
and that's bad,
right? Of course.
Uh-huh.
Of course that's bad!
Mm.
Sam, you don't get this, do you?
Look,
Hill and I have a very
simple relationship.
I don't like him,
he doesn't like me,
we get it on.
Now, if we start saying
we like each other,
we're gonna screw
up what we had.
And then I'm gonna lose him
and I don't want to lose
him, 'cause I care for him.
What is with me?!
I'm, I'm getting lost here.
Do-do you like this guy or not?
Of course I do.
But I can't tell him.
Why not?
Because if I tell him,
then he won't have
anything to do with me.
Just like if he told me,
I wouldn't have
anything to do with him.
Oh, all right, all
right, all right, I see.
So-so you're saying...
sh**t!
I almost had it.
I guess there's only
one thing I can do.
I've gotta go to the hospital
and straighten
things out. Yes! Yes!
That's it! You've
gotta go to the hospital,
and no matter how
much it costs you...
You've gotta tell the
guy that you care for him.
No, Sam.
I have to go and tell him
that I don't care
for him. Right!
Right! I was
gonna say that next.
You gotta go and tell him
that you don't care for him.
Right. Okay.
All right.
Who wants to know what
h*tler watches on TV?
Cliff, I'm not gonna play
this stupid game anymore.
h*tler does not live in
your apartment building.
All right, from 1500
hours to 1530 hours,
he watched The Flintstones.
Instead of Gilligan's Island?
Well, he is a mad man.
From 1530 hours to 1600
he watched People's Court.
How ironic.
At 1630 hours,
he clapped off the
TV and went to bed.
Oh, my God, Norm!
It's him. Hide me.
This is the guy you
thought was h*tler?
No, no, worse!
It's my landlord, Mr. Cranston.
Clavin, don't you
try to hide from me!
I'm here to inform you
we held a tenants
meeting last night.
Uh, I wasn't invited.
We never invite you
when it's about you.
Was h*tler there?
Yes, h*tler was there...
Or Mr. O'Leary
as he's known to
us on Planet Earth.
Yeah, what was
the meeting about?
Well, I intended to
have you evicted.
You've done some strange
things in your time, Clavin,
but this is the worst!
You're harassing an old man!
Who may well be the most hated
and feared figure of
the Twentieth Century.
Well, at least he's not
one of those noisy teens.
Well, that's true.
As I was saying,
I was gonna boot you out,
but your mother made a
stirring speech in your defense.
By the time she finished reading
that passage from the Bible,
we were all in tears.
Even h*tler?
Even h*tler.
Oh, Mr. O'Leary.
Now I will allow you to stay,
if you apologize to him
and promise not to pursue
this matter any further.
Now do I have your word?
Yeah, okay. I promise.
So just don't boot
us out, all right?
Agreed.
Well, thank you.
You know, I-I know
I get out of hand occasionally.
I've got all this
pent-up energy,
a lot of time on my hands.
You know, uh, I'm Civil Service.
Well, that explains it.
I will let you off with a
warning this time, Clavin.
Does this mean I can go
back in the laundry room?
No. That's a whole
separate thing.
Hmm.
Well, Cliff, you've
tormented an elderly man,
you got everyone in your
apartment building angry,
and you almost lost your home.
Now, are you clear
on what this means?
Sure.
h*tler brainwashed my landlord.
Hill!
Miss Tortelli!
These are for you.
Oh, what a thoughtful purchase.
I didn't buy 'em.
I got 'em out of a
room down the hall.
The guy won't be needing
'em where he's going.
Has he been discharged?
You might say.
If you ever need
a pair of slippers,
size 11, let me know.
Oh, thank you.
Frankly, Miss Tortelli,
I don't know why you're here.
My doctor informs me
I have to remain celibate
for the next eight weeks.
Hey, don't insult me, Hill!
You think that sex is
all I have on my mind?
There are other facets
to my personality.
Eight weeks?
Well, anyway, look,
I just came here because
I wanted to apologize.
Last night, before
this happened,
I said this thing to you,
and, um,
I just wanted you to know that
this thing I said...
Eight weeks?!
Please continue, Miss Tortelli.
Anyway, about
this thing that I said,
I just wanted you to
know that I didn't mean it.
Hill,
do you remember what
thing it is I'm talking about?
I must confess it
rings a faint bell...
That thing.
Well, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry,
because I think it's probably
what caused your heart att*ck.
It was quite a shock.
I don't think anyone's
ever said it to me before.
No one?
Not even your daughter?
Well, it never really came up.
You had a wife.
Well, she and I...
had an understanding.
Your parents?
The point is, Miss Tortelli,
I'm not exactly a cuddle bear.
Yeah, well, neither am I.
See you around.
Uh, uh, one
moment, Miss Tortelli.
Yeah.
Perhaps the diuretic is making
me sentimental, but, uh...
what do you suppose would happen
if we were foolhardy
enough to attempt
to take our relationship
to the next plateau?
Hypothetically, of course.
Yeah, well,
I have thought
about that a little bit.
I'm not proud of it,
but I've thought of it.
After all, we have
eight celibate weeks
in which to get to
know each other better.
Okay, I'm game.
Uh, so, uh,
Miss Tortelli.
Carla.
Oh, Carla!
Carla... that's a pretty name.
Thank you.
So, uh,
you, uh, you have any children?
No.
So, uh, what's it like
running a restaurant?
Well, you know, a lot of work,
but, uh, very rewarding.
Oh, that's good.
I mean that is rewarding.
Because there are a lot of
jobs that aren't rewarding,
and it's good that
you found a job
that is rewarding.
Carla, could you please
do me a small favor?
Yes, John.
Could you work yourself
behind this machinery
and unplug my
life-support system
so that I can leave this life
and this agonizing
conversation behind?
Oh, like it was
fun for me, zit face!
Sasquatch.
Road k*ll.
Catcher's mitt. Pond scum.
Phlegm face.
See you in eight weeks?
Make it four. Make it two.
Pull the curtain.