Daddy! ANNOUNCER:
Next time on Cheers...
Everybody, I want
you to meet my father.
We got big news
from the home front.
One: I've decided not to
up your allowance. Two...
I don't want to hear two.
Oh, that's just the half of it.
You're coming back home with me.
So, is this curtains for
Becky's days in Boston?
Imagine somebody getting
an allowance at her age, huh?
My ma cut me off when I was 30.
The decision of Rebecca's
daddy dearest next time on Cheers.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
And I look up and I say,
"It will never do,
it will never do."
I just cannot believe...
Normie. Huh?
Normie, it's the Kennedys.
Let's go tell the guys
downstairs. No, no, no, no, no.
I've got a camera with me.
Here, quick, get a snapshot.
I'll... I'll pretend
I'm with them.
I'll be nonchalant, okay?
Oh, would you
guys like a picture?
Oh, that would be
great... Do you mind?
No, no. You sure you don't mind?
Great, thank you.
Thank you. Okay.
That's great. All right.
Thank you so much.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
Nice to see you.
Nice to meet you.
Bye. Yeah.
Bye-bye. All right!
Hey!
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hey, Cliffie.
Hey. What you doing?
I'm, uh, writing
a little letter here
to that Russian
cosmonaut who's stranded
in the space station up there.
How are you gonna get it to him?
Cheers.
Hi, honey.
Oh, now, let's not
go through this again.
I thought we already
had it decided.
We're gonna stay
in my apartment.
Well, how do you
know you don't like it?
You haven't seen it yet.
Trust me, Kelly, you're
gonna come to love Chinatown.
Now... now, don't forget,
our place is the one
right next to the shop
with the beheaded ducks
draining in the window.
Well, I love you, too.
Bye-bye.
What was that all about?
Well, uh, since our
wedding, Kelly and I
have been living in one of
the Gaines' guesthouses.
Now she wants to
get a house of our own,
but I can't afford
it, so I think
we should just live
in my old apartment.
You kept your
apartment the whole time?
Well, I kind of had to.
I have a ten-year lease.
How did you get stuck
with a ten-year lease?
I had to do some
pretty fancy talking.
I save ten bucks a month.
That's money in my pocket.
Let me ask you something.
You-you think Kelly's
gonna be happy
in that little place of yours?
Well, what does it matter?
I'm the husband...
I call the sh*ts.
Isn't that rather sexist, Woody?
Well you've got to understand.
That's how I was brought up.
Back in Hanover,
the man is the
king of the castle.
When he gives an order,
all his wives have to listen.
Wives, Woody?
Wife.
I said wife... singular.
I mean, the thought that a man
could have more than one
wife, that's preposterous.
I mean, I... not
to mention illegal.
I know that.
So do all the
citizens of Hanover.
Anybody else curious
about Hanover?
Come on, Norm,
I'm sure it's just a...
a normal, rural,
small, little farm town.
I'm sure Woody's stories
are all greatly exaggerated.
Want to go there?
What, end up as a human
sacrifice to the corn god?
Thank you, no.
Ooh, nobody told
me the fleet was in.
So... what can I get you,
you silver-haired boy toy?
I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.
Why do you want hamburger
when you can have filet mignon?
She's my daughter.
Ooh.
Excuse me, uh...
Hi there, I'm sorry.
Uh, did I hear you right,
that you're Rebecca
Howe's father?
That's right.
Captain Franklin E.
Howe, United States Navy.
Oh, I'm Sam Malone.
You know, maybe she
mentioned me to you.
Yes, you're the
bright young fellow
who tried to have a
baby with my daughter
without the sanctity of wedlock.
So, my name came up then.
I have just one
question for you.
What the hell were
you thinking, boy?
What the hell were you thinking?
Um, well, we were
both thinking, sir,
that, you know, because
we're such good friends...
we weren't in love,
yes, that's true,
but we thought maybe
we could be a, you know,
mommy and a daddy
without the commitment
and the other stuff. I know...
I know saying this right
now sounds kind of...
even to me, it sounds...
Is it hot in here
or is it just me?
Daddy.
Daddy, what are you doing here?
I just wanted to see
my little Pookie. Oh!
Everybody, I want
you to meet my father.
You can just call him
Brig... That's his nickname.
They call him Brig
because he put so
many sailors in jail.
Then, why don't
they call me Brig?
Daddy, over here.
Daddy, I'm so
surprised to see you.
Is anything wrong?
Well, to tell you
the truth, Pookie,
your mother and I
became a little concerned
when we received
your last postcard.
Well, why? It said,
"Having a wonderful time.
Wish I were dead."
Daddy, why don't you
just sit here, and I'll get us
a couple of beers or something.
Everybody, psst, psst,
come here, come here.
Listen, I need your help.
Listen, my... my dad
can be kind of critical,
so let's not go into some
of the dumber things
that I've done while
I've worked here.
Well, what are we
gonna talk to him about?
I don't know.
You could talk to
him about anything.
Talk to him about the weather.
Just... my dad sort of thinks
that I'm some sort of screwup.
No!
Very funny.
It all started when my
dad took me as a little girl
on a tour of his
aircraft carrier, and I...
well, to make a
long story short, I...
I sh*t something off the boat.
One international incident,
and I am branded for life.
Anyway, I just... it's
just very important
that he thinks that I
know what I'm doing,
so let... let's not
bring things up
like losing the liquor license
or, uh... or the flood.
And God forbid, do
not mention the fire.
She lost the liquor license,
and then she flooded the place?
That's not the capper.
Then, she b*rned it down.
Oh, Pookie.
You b*rned down the bar.
I know, I was gonna tell you,
but I thought you'd be mad.
I see.
It's the playroom
incident all over again.
Pookie, I'm very
concerned about you.
I mean, let's review.
Oh, no, Daddy, let's not review.
In the past year,
you tried to have a baby
with a man you
weren't married to,
you b*rned down
your place of business,
and now, according
to your last letter,
you want another
raise in your allowance.
Uh, excuse me, did you just say,
"a raise in her allowance"?
No, he did not say,
"raise in allowance".
He said...
"That old, lazy Jack Palance."
Daddy,
what say we go have some lunch?
Come on.
Let's talk about the family.
How is Susan doing?
Oh, your sister is fine.
She got a raise and a promotion.
That bitch.
Hey, guys.
Guys, guess what
grown-up bar manager
is still getting an allowance
from her Navy dad.
Who?
An allowance, huh?
That explains how she
can afford a fancy car
and that apartment of hers.
Boy, imagine somebody getting
an allowance at her age, huh?
My ma cut me off when I was 30.
No ifs, ands or buts,
and it hurt, I tell you.
Hurt like hell.
Oh, but it had a happy ending.
Made you more
self-reliant, Cliffie?
Nah, nah, a couple years later,
her pension fund went bankrupt.
She had to come crawling
to me for some dough.
Yeah, I just gave her
the old horse laugh.
What goes around, huh, boys?
It's got to be just so
demeaning, you know?
You're living your
life on the dole
the whole time...
take, take, take.
You want that on your tab?
Yeah, please.
How can she look at
herself in the mirror?
I would die of embarrassment.
How was lunch, sweetheart?
It was terrific.
You know, when I was a kid,
I used to be afraid of my dad
'cause he was sort of
pushy and overbearing,
but I'll tell you, we have
really learned to communicate.
It's just like two
adults, one on one.
You mean like one adult
asks the other one for a
raise in their allowance,
and the other adult
says, "Okay, Pookie"?
Very, very funny, Carla.
Now, now, now,
let's not all jump
down Rebecca's throat.
I received a stipend
from my father for a time,
a little out-of-pocket
money to spend as I saw fit
on entertainment, what have you.
So, you see, I've been through
exactly what Rebecca's
going through right now.
Thank you, Frasier.
And then, I turned 11.
Hi, Woody. Oh, hi, honey.
Did you find the apartment?
Yes, Mr. Smarty-Pants,
I found it.
Very funny.
Now, where's your
real apartment?
What are you talking about?
Woody, the place you
gave me directions to
was this stinky little room
with bars on the window
and an old Farrah
Fawcett poster on the wall.
Hey, I'm married, not dead.
Woody,
please let my family
buy us a house.
Don't make me go
back to that place.
Kelly, that's our home.
That's all I can afford,
and that's where
we're gonna live.
Well, Mr. "No wife of mine
"will have her family
buy us a house
even if we have to live
like peasants" Boyd,
if you insist,
then I guess I have no choice.
Well, first of all,
that's not my name.
And second of all, I do insist.
Fine, I'll move my furniture in
first thing this afternoon.
I have to tell you, Woody Boyd,
this is the worst
day of my life,
and I wish I was dead.
Bye, everybody.
Oh.
Thank you.
Hey, pretty boy!
Where's my daughter?
Well, she's in the office.
You want me to go get her?
No, Woody, I think
he was talking to me.
Oh, right.
Maybe a few years ago.
God, this place makes me sick.
Bunch of indolent do-nothings
sitting around
on their fat cans.
You know, if you squint
really hard, it could be Vera.
You know, I happen to agree
with you there, Captain.
But then again, uh, we men
of uniform tend to think alike.
That's not a uniform,
that's a costume.
Doesn't become a uniform
till you strap on a sidearm.
You ever done that, son?
Some days, when
I'm feeling jittery.
Oh, Daddy.
You're back.
Pookie, I've been
doing some thinking.
We've got to talk.
Sit down.
Not another review.
Yes.
Another review.
Princess, we have
a situation here.
Now, I've butted out
of your life for 39 years.
Thirty-five, Daddy.
Honey, I was there.
I've come to two decisions.
One: I've decided not
to up your allowance.
Two...
I don't want to hear two.
Well, you're going to.
Two: I've decided to pull
the plug on your Boston life.
You're coming back home to
live with your mother and me.
What?!
I'm sorry to say you've
made a mess of things.
Now, I'm going back
to my hotel to pack.
I expect you to do the same.
H-Hold it a second, Daddy.
You can't do this to me.
I am a grown woman.
I'm an adult!
I can stand on my own two feet.
You heard me.
You're coming back home with me.
I hate you!
I hate you! I hate
you! I hate you!
I wish I was adopted!
I wish I was never born!
I don't mind telling you
that went a lot better
than I thought it would.
Well, Malone, how long do
you think she can stay in there?
Sorry to say, sir,
for a long time.
There's food in
there, there's water,
and the sofa pulls
out into a bed.
Well, there's a shock, sex boy.
Hey. You asked...
Daddy,
I've thought it over.
You were right as usual.
So I'll pack my things
and come home with you.
Well, just don't stand there.
Wait, wait, wait,
you can't, you...
You're not just gonna pack
up and go live in San Diego.
Why not? Who am I kidding?
You heard him.
I'm just a failure
here in Boston.
Oh, sure, I say it five
years ago and get yelled at.
You're doing the
right thing, sweetheart.
Your old room
is waiting for you.
You'll have a chance to
regroup, get your life back in order.
Yeah, that's how
they try to sell it to you,
but read the small,
fine print, baby.
After a couple of weeks,
you'll be crazier than
a rat in a coffee can.
You'd better be running
along, sweetheart.
You've got a lot to do.
I'll meet you back here tonight.
That... Wait-wait-wait.
That's it? You're
just gonna do it?
Well, he is my daddy.
Well,
well, he...
Well, you may not be
able to do it, but I can.
Excuse me for a minute, sir.
You know, if you don't
mind me saying so,
I-I don't think
you're being fair.
You can't ask her
to pack up and go
just 'cause you don't
think she made it.
Was it that kind of persuasive
arguing that got my daughter
into trying to conceive
your bastard child?
Boy, you-you really just can't
see your way past that, can you?
Everyone, I-I-I have
something to say to you.
I came here to this
bar five years ago
a strong, independent
business woman.
And now I'm going
to go back home
and move back in with
Mommy and Daddy.
You've all really
touched my life.
Captain Howe, I
normally make it a point
not to butt into people's
personal affairs, but, sir,
you are quite
possibly the meanest,
most loathsome
father I've ever seen.
Don't get your panties
in a bunch, son.
She's not going anywhere.
I beg your pardon?
I was using reverse psychology.
I tell her she's failed
and demand that she
come home with me.
She, in an effort to prove
me wrong, stands up to me,
tells me off, then refuses
to take any more money
from her mother and me.
We don't even have
her old room anymore.
It's a sewing room.
Oh, that's ni... Y-Your
wife sews, huh?
Don't impose gender roles on me.
Trust me.
I know my daughter.
It may take a little
while, but eventually
she'll screw up her nerve,
she'll walk through that
door, and she'll tell me off.
In the meantime, I'll just,
uh, stay here and wait.
Give me a beer.
Sir, did I ever tell you that,
uh, I was in the Coast Guard?
Coast Guard, huh?
Well, you must be
very proud, Miss.
So buy a girl a drink?
Honey, it's open.
Uh, Kelly?
What is all this?
You told me to move
all my furniture in so I did.
Why? Is there a problem?
Well, do you think you laid it
out in the best possible way?
I don't think it matters, Woody.
We'll just live in a
cramped apartment.
All right, you win.
I'll call the realtor,
and-and, uh...
and we'll go look
at houses, okay?
You better hurry.
I can't feel my legs.
As a man who has 30
years of naval experience,
I can say in all confidence
that if that crew got together
and sh*t Gilligan, they'd have
been off that island in a week.
Problem solved.
Well, I see it
didn't take you long
to suck him into your
little world there, Norm.
You kidding?
Give me an hour with the Pope,
I'll have him singing
the Mister Ed theme.
So I-I take it Rebecca
hasn't returned yet?
No. I'm getting
worried, too, you know.
If she was gonna stand up
to her father, she'd be here.
And I'm afraid she's
gonna pack and go home.
God, it'll be nice to get my
daughter off the gravy train.
Finally, I can afford to retire.
Daddy, I'm ready to go home.
Uh, uh, just-just
a second, Pookie.
Boy, looks like your little
plan didn't work, huh, sir?
Uh, that-that was not a
criticism, but, uh, you know...
I-I thought that was
gonna work myself.
I thought it was a
damn good plan.
I-I don't understand
why it didn't w...
It should have worked is what...
Is it still hot in here? I'm...
Pookie, uh,
I have a little
confession to make.
You see, I only asked
you to come home with me
so, uh, so you
would stand up to me.
I was using reverse psychology.
Wow.
Yeah.
What time does our plane leave?
No, no, no, no, no, uh, Pookie.
Well, you still don't get it.
I was throwing down the gauntlet
to make you prove that you could
take your life in
your own hands.
Oh, come on, Daddy,
let's get out of here.
No, no, no, no.
You're a big girl, now.
You don't need me anymore.
You can make it on your own.
No, I can't, Daddy.
I do need you.
Well, how about if, uh,
how about if I raise
your allowance 25%?
Just 25%?
Well, I'm a bigger
failure than that, Daddy.
You said so yourself.
Fifty percent.
Fifty percent.
Maybe I can make it.
Look out, Boston.
Pookie, I love you.
I love you, too.
But you know, Daddy,
with the high cost of
living and inflation...
Okay, okay, okay.
Seventy-five percent.
Look, Pookie, can I go home now?
I got to get to work
in the morning.
Oh, Daddy, you work so hard.
When are you
gonna get to retire?
Apparently, when they
wrap a flag around me
and slide me off the ship.
Rebecca Howe,
you shamelessly extorted money
from your own father.
High five!
Wait-wait-wait a minute.
So you were never
planning to leave?
No way.
When did you cook
this whole thing up?
When I went in the
office when I was mad,
I called my mother
to ask her what to do.
Huh, Mom.
Becks again.
Yeah.
The fish bit.
Mother, Mother,
your cut is in the mail.