06x05 - The Bazaar

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

hey, andy. Hi, goober.

Sure is a nice day.

Yeah, you couldn't ask for nicer weather.

This is my favorite time of year except for spring and summer.

Is that right?

That's right.

Hmm.

[Clearing throat] well, I guess, uh...

I guess that makes this your third-favorite time of year, huh?

That's right. Winter's my fourth.

Hmm.

You want to know something?

What? I'm mad.

Well, I thought somethin' was wrong with you.

Want to know what I'm mad about?

Well, that's up to you, goober.

If you want to tell me, that's fine.

If you don't want to, that's fine.

I'll tell you.

All right.

You like that fella you got workin' for you?

What? That warren. Do you like him?

Hmm, yeah.

Well, none of us are sure whether we like him or not. Why?

'Cause he gives out so many tickets.

He's got me and floyd and everybody so as we can't make a move.

Afraid we'll get some kind of a ticket. Huh.

He give me a ticket for keepin' them greasy rags in that big barrel.

Said there could be a sporaneous combustion.

Spontaneous. Well, it never has combusted.

And this mornin', he made me and floyd stop matchin' pennies.

Said it's gamblin' and gave us a ticket.

Says it's gonna cost us $ apiece. Hmm.

Well, you know that ain't gamblin'. It's just foolin' around.

Yeah. Well, lots of times you match pennies with us.

Well, yeah.

Well, you know it's the truth.

[Clearing throat] well, I'll tell you what, goober, I'll talk to him.

Well, I wish that you would. I'm tensed.

[Door closing]

(warren) let me help you with those, aunt bee.

Oh, no, that's all right, warren. I can manage. No, uh, please, let me.

No, I can manage, warren, please. Please, please.

They certainly don't make paper bags like they used to.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Thank you, opie.

Opie? Yes.

Yes, this is, uh, andy's son, opie.

Oh. Hey, hey. You're a...

You're a chip off the old block, aren't you? Huh?

Well, I hope... I hope i... Huh? Huh?

Gonna grow up and be a sheriff like your daddy, right?

Huh? No, I might go...

Protect the people here in mayberry? That's good.

He's smart. Don't tell me he's not smart.

He's smart.

Say, you're really stockin' up here, aunt bee.

Well, that's good. That way, you'll never get caught short.

Always be prepared. That's my motto. Right, opie?

Well, aunt bee'll... Aunt bee, well... Right? Right?

(Warren) sure it's right. What are you stockin' up for, aunt bee?

I'm not stocking up. These are supplies

for the ladies' auxiliary bazaar, and it starts today.

Charity bazaar? Oh, that's wonderful.

Helpin' others, that's nice.

Gives you a warm feelin' inside, doesn't it?

(Bee) well... Huh? Huh? Sure it does.

You remember that, opie. "Help thy neighbor." Remember that.

Well, well, we... Yes.

What? I have a few more things to do.

I used to be a member of the men's club back home, aunt bee.

We used to give charity bazaars.

Oh, I felt good. I...

After one of those, I'd put my head down the pillow at night,

I used to say to myself, "warren?"

I'd say, "yeah?"

I'd say, "warren,

that was a pretty warm, wonderful, decent thing you did today."

Well, we have to be running... I was born with compassion. I've always had it.

Felt better for it, too. Yeah. Well, we have a lot of other things to do,

and I have to get back to the community hall.

Oh. Thank you, warren.

Oh, aunt bee? Yes?

Do you have your permit for operating the bazaar?

Permit? We never had a permit.

Well, if you don't want to operate outside the law, do you?

Well... [Chuckling] huh? Of course you don't.

You come on down to the, uh, station with me,

and I'll fix it up for you personally.

[Sighing] all right.

Opie, would you run back to the hall and tell miss edwards

I'll be there in a few minutes? Ok.

You're gonna help out at the bazaar, too, opie?

Well, aunt bee said... That's wonderful. That's the spirit.

[Chuckling] pitch right in there, huh? Straight sh**t.

He doesn't talk very much, does he?

Well, I guess he's a little shy.

Number .

Now, will there be any alcoholic beverages sold on the premises?

No, certainly not.

No booze.

Number .

Does anyone connected with the bazaar have a criminal record?

Of course not! This is the ladies' auxiliary!

Warren, this is altogether unnecessary.

Andy, I'm just trying to comply with the law.

Finish it, finish it, finish it.

Ok.

Oh, how long will this take?

Well, we don't want to rush it...

Uh, I'll tell you what, aunt bee.

Why... Why don't you just run on to the bazaar?

And I'll... I'll finish up the permit with warren

thank you. Ok, bye.

[Sighing]

[clearing throat] uh...

Warren, uh, uh, i... I want you to know

you've been doin' a fine job.

Oh, well, thank you, andy.

Comin' from you, I take that as a real compliment.

Well, good.

You know, sometimes a fella can do too good a job.

Now, like... Like this permit here.

That's altogether unnecessary.

Well, andy, I was just trying to save your aunt bee,

your own aunt bee,

from engaging in an unlawful act.

[Sighing]

but they've been having this bazaar for years without a permit.

Wrongs don't make a right.

That's a sayin', andy.

Uh... [Clearing throat]

givin' floyd and goober tickets for matchin' pennies,

now, that's ridiculous.

Wait a minute, andy! I gotta fight you on that one.

Gamblin' is my pet peeve.

You know that statistics show that gamblin' attracts gangsters

and an undesirable element.

W-we're talkin' about floyd and goober matchin' pennies.

On a big week, cents changes hands.

And that may just have been the way that things started in chicago during the ' s.

Remember chicago in the ' s?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh? Huh? Huh?

We're not in chicago.

We're in mayberry, a town of under , people

where our biggest industry is makin' patchwork quilts.

Now, floyd and goober aren't botherin' anybody, so quit givin' 'em tickets.

They're gamblin', andy,

and gamblin', in any manner, shape, or form, is against the law.

Bingo!

[Women exclaiming]

shh, listen, listen, everybody. Shh, quiet.

Under "b," . Right.

Under "i," . Right.

Under "n," . Mmm-hmm.

(Bee) all right. Under "g," .

(Woman) right.

(Bee) under "o," .

Goober, under article , section of the state penal code,

I hereby appoint you a special deputy.

Say it again. Never mind. Come on.

[Women chattering]

[people clamoring]

get back! Get back! Make way for the law!

Get back.

[Women clamoring]

[people chattering]

(woman) let us out.

What's goin' on?

I'm just doin' my job, andy.

I didn't have nothin' to do with this, andy. Honest.

It's all on account of article , section ...

Warren!

(Woman) take your hands off of me, young man.

Will somebody please tell me what's goin' on?

(Woman) we'll tell you plenty, andy.

L-listen, everybody, j-just... Just run on home.

We... We'll take care of this.

Aunt bee!

We're being arrested for gambling!

Gambling?

Andy, you gotta nip these things in the bud,

otherwise they'll spread like prairie fire. Warren!

Andy, cross my heart and hope to die,

I didn't have nothin' to do with it. Warren said...

Goober, just get your truck out from in front of the courthouse!

[Crowd chattering]

well, will... Will you... I'm telling you...

[Whistle blowing]

now, if you'll all quiet down,

maybe we can find out what's goin' on.

Well, why don't you ask your deputy?

After all, he is the arresting officer.

Yes. (Woman) ask him. He's the one that...

[Women stop talking] well, w-wait a minute!

What's goin' on?

Well, andy, i... I...

Andy, could I talk to you outside for a moment?

(Andy) excuse us.

Aren't you taking a chance, leaving us criminals unguarded?

I don't think so. I got a riot g*n over there.

[All chattering]

all right. Let's have it.

Aw, andy. I didn't want to arrest them.

They're warm, sweet, wonderful women. What'd they do?

Andy, they were operatin' a bingo game at the bazaar.

Bingo?

And for money.

Let's book 'em.

All right, andy, all right. I know we don't always see eye to eye.

They weren't gamblin'. The prizes are donated.

Well, that doesn't make it right, andy.

Believe me, I hated to arrest them.

Well, why did you?

Andy, I had no other choice.

They were gamblin' right in front of me.

Why, if I were to ignore that,

how would I ever gain any respect here in mayberry?

[Groaning] how would i? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

I wouldn't, that's how.

Well, since you've got all the answers...

Knock on wood.

How we gonna get out of this mess?

Simple.

So simple that I think you would have come up with it

if you'd given it any thought.

Thanks. Well, of course. It's the truth, andy.

You're not an ignorant man. Thanks!

Well, I mean it, andy. I call 'em as I see 'em.

I'm no apple polisher when I say you're not dumb, andy. I'm not stupid, you know...

I'll... I'll try to live up to your confidence in me.

Now, how we gonna get them women out of there?

Well, we, uh, we can't excuse them for breakin' the law.

Oh, no, no, no. See, that would be a bad example.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But we, uh, could give 'em a suspended sentence.

Set 'em free, send 'em home.

Forget the whole thing ever happened. Good. Come on.

Court's in session.

Regardin' the case before the bench,

I find that, while the defendants are guilty as charged,

their unselfish devotion to charity should be applauded

by the entire community.

Therefore, sentence is suspended and the case is closed.

Well, you're all free. You can go home now.

[Women chattering] run on.

And thank you so much for coming.

(Andy) real pleasure to see you. Thanks again.

[Shouting] see you tonight at supper, aunt bee.

Well, I can say one thing for us, girls.

We've never been afraid to stand up for our rights.

Just a minute.

[All stop talking]

just a minute.

(Woman) what's the matter, bee?

He can't get away with that.

Well, get away with what?

You heard andy say, "you're all free. You can go on home now."

Well, those were his very words.

And he also said, "guilty as charged."

Well, what difference does that make?

The sentence is suspended, that's the important thing.

And a criminal record is important.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. A criminal record?

Well, that's what we have now, you know.

Oh, good heavens!

A criminal record.

How can I explain that to my son?

He's an eagle scout.

Now, quiet, quiet, quiet. Quiet!

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

Andy?

Oh.

Andy,

granted, in this great, enormous universe of ours,

you're nothin' more than a tiny dot, a speck.

A minute, insignificant nothin'.

But I'm proud to call you my friend.

Did, uh, did anybody ever tell you,

you've got an unusual way with words?

I can't take any credit for that, andy.

Lucky. Blessed with it at birth.

That's wonderful.

Anyway, you helped me out of an awkward situation today.

You stood behind me.

And I want you to know I appreciate it.

Oh, you don't have to thank me.

Because anything I did was purely for selfish reasons.

I guess you've never heard of the mayberry rules for a long, happy life, huh?

Mmm, no, no.

Well, there are just .

Don't play leapfrog with elephants.

Don't pet a tiger unless his tail's waggin'.

And never, ever mess with the ladies' auxiliary.

Well, anyway, the case is closed. No harm done.

[Door opening] ah.

We want our constitutional rights.

I beg your pardon?

Andy, we've come for justice.

(Woman) and we're not leaving here

until we get it, right, ladies?

[All agreeing] that's right!

[Stammering] wait a minute.

I... I thought this was all settled,

or did I just imagine it?

If you're referring to that kangaroo court you just held, forget it.

We refuse to accept that verdict.

We never pleaded guilty.

Well, what difference does it make?

Nobody got fined or anything.

But, andy, there are more important things involved here.

(Bee) we want our names cleared and the charges dropped.

And if that isn't done, we'll demand a new trial in front of a jury,

and we'll stay right here until we get it.

Now, come along, girls.

[Women chattering] ladies, ladies, no. No!

No. Ladies.

Ladies, listen. No, you can't...

You just can't do this.

(Andy) what... No... No, you...

[Muttering quietly]

they're a spunky group, andy.

Real spunky. Yeah.

Well, I'm not gonna hold a jury trial for a bingo game,

so I guess we'll just have to drop the charges.

Andy, I was the officer who made the arrest.

You don't think you have to remind me of that, do you?

Well, what I mean is that since I was the one who made the complaint,

I'm the only one who can drop the charges.

That's right.

Uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. No, I'm sorry, andy.

Do you mean to tell me you won't drop the charges?

Andy, I took a solemn oath to uphold the law.

[Groaning]

but, uh, maybe, uh...

Maybe if I talk to the ladies... Talk to 'em. Talk to 'em.

Now, ladies, why don't we...

[All clamoring]

andy, some people are stubborn.

Just downright stubborn.

You don't mean to say.

[Women chattering]

well, I want you to know I've had it!

Now, I've put up with just about all I'm going to,

and that not only goes for my idiot deputy, but for you women in there.

If you want to go ahead and act like children, that's up to you.

But there's no law says I have to stay here and watch it.

Now, I'm going home,

and if the rest of you have any sense,

you'll do the same thing.

Goodbye.

[Sighing]

pa, you think aunt bee's coming home soon?

Oh, sure.

She'll be here any minute.

Now, you'll see. They... They'll all get tired and they'll go home.

I hope so. I sure am hungry.

[Sighing] well, I am, too. Just try to be patient.

Sarah, try the courthouse again.

Mmm-hmm. Thanks.

Still busy, pa? Yeah.

[Clearing throat] now, look, i... I won't make any kind of guarantees here,

but, uh, if you want me to, I'll try to scramble us up a couple of eggs.

Gee, pa, I'm so hungry, I'd be glad to eat anything.

[Laughing]

even my cookin', huh?

Gee, pa, I think you cook swell.

Remember that time you made all those pancakes?

They were great. Thanks.

Who cares if they stuck a little?

It was fun eatin' 'em out of the pan.

[Chuckling] set a couple of plates.

Yeah, a few eggs.

[Knocking on door]

comin'!

[Grunting]

comin', comin', comin'.

Oh, hi, harlan. Come in. Come in.

Well, corlis, aren't you gettin' prettier every day?

What can I do for you, harlan?

You can tell me what my daughter and I are gonna do for supper.

Oh.

I mean, it's a problem now that my wife is serving a stretch in prison.

[Crying]

well, I'm sorry about that, harlan. Don't cry, corlis.

Now, I'm sure it'll all be over

and ruth will be home any minute now.

Well, if she isn't, maybe you'll do the wash tomorrow.

Well, I'm sure it'll all be settled, harlan.

[Corlis continues crying]

look, it... It's not much, but you're

welcome to have some scrambled eggs with us.

Beats starving. Ok, sit down.

Set a couple more plates. It's all right, don't cry.

I'll just get some more eggs. (Harlan) it's ok.

[Opie chattering]

b*at these eggs right up.

[Knocking on door]

comin'!

Comin', comin'.

[Crying]

oh, hi, fred. Come in.

My goodness, your children are just sproutin' up like weeds.

Weeds grow on water.

People need food.

Yeah. Well, sit down. Everything will be ready in a few minutes.

Man, you really have fixed things up just swell. Don't cry, corlis.

Don't cry. Did you ever hear of anything so ridiculous?

[All chattering] (fred) my wife is a jailbird!

Get some more... Get some more chairs. More chairs.

Well, I sure hope so. It's all right.

Oh, I'm sorry. We don't have any more milk, rosalyn, honey.

[All chattering] walter's got plenty of coffee.

Here, harlan, let me give you a little more coffee. Thank you.

There you are.

Ok. Now, well, d*ck, yeah, well...

Did everybody have enough, then?

(Girl) yeah. It'll hold.

Ok. Come on, corlis.

Yeah, we'll be leaving, too.

All right, let's go. Ok. Bye-bye, corlis.

(Fred) gotta get you to bed. It's past your bedtime.

Ok, well, listen, I promise this thing'll be settled this evening.

Well, I'm countin' on that, sheriff.

Well, just don't give it another thought.

I won't, but you'd better.

Yeah, well, uh, good night.

Come back.

[Sighing]

d*ck, you forgot pansy!

Pansy.

Yeah, well, goodbye.

[Sighing]

oh, boy.

Let me call them over there.

[Clearing throat]

sarah, get me the...

Oh, thanks.

How can the phone be busy for hours?

Opie, listen.

Just stack the dishes, will you?

I'll do 'em when I get back. I'm goin' to the courthouse.

Can't I go with you, pa? Nah, you better stay here.

I'm not sure I'm old enough to hear what I'm gonna say.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, here, let me tell you what I just heard.

[All chattering] over at the lending library, they've got a new book,

and it's downright racy!

(Woman on phone) yes, but... Oh, you did?

Well, can I be next after you?

Wonderful.

Oh, sorry.

[Women chattering]

oh, hi, andy.

I'm of great mind to arrest all of you for trespassin',

but I'd just have to throw you in jail,

and that's where you are now.

(Warren) andy.

Andy, I've been deputy in quite a few towns,

but I have never, ever seen a mess like this.

Are things always this disorganized? No!

Well, maybe we'll get things straightened out

now that I'm here to help you, huh? Yeah.

Huh? Huh? Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There is somethin' you can do to help.

You name it, andy. I'll do it. Drop the charges.

Andy, andy, you have a one-track mind.

I can't do that because

(both) gambling is against the law.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! Right. Right. Right.

Do you know anything about the law?

What do you mean, do i... Well, sure.

I mean, oh, I'm no lawyer.

Is that what you mean? I'm no lawyer, but I've read a lot.

Read all the {\i }perry mason{\i } stories. Hmm.

You might have missed a couple.

Like {\i }the case{\i } {\i }of the pig-headed deputy{\i }

{\i }who was k*lled by a berserk sheriff.{\I }

[glass shattering]

[women chattering]

hey, andy.

Hey, goober.

Still in there, are they?

Yeah, they're still in there.

How long they gonna be in there?

I don't know. They want a jury trial.

[Whistling]

they ought not to do that.

You know, me and floyd's been talkin' about this.

Discussin' all the evidence.

And, well, I hate to say this,

but now, we feel,

and, mind you, we ain't legal experts in any way,

but all the facts seem to be against 'em.

Like warren said.

You, too, huh?

Well, it's just our opinion,

but I bet if there was a trial, warren's side would win.

Say that again.

The whole thing?

Forget it, goob. Thanks.

[Clearing throat]

warren? Right.

Excuse us.

Excuse us.

[Sighing] well,

it looks like we're gonna have to give 'em their jury trial.

Oh, andy, that's a shame. Yeah.

You don't think you can get 'em to listen to reason, huh?

No.

Well, that's the way some people are.

Yeah.

Tell you the truth, though, I kinda side with 'em.

I think they got a good chance of winnin'.

You're kiddin', andy. Law's as clear as crystal.

Well, maybe so, but you never can tell what a jury might do.

Oh, not in this case, andy. It's open and shut. No, I don't think so.

Oh, positively. No, no.

Uh-huh. Sure, sure. No. No, no. I'll tell you what.

I'll just back up my opinion with, say, $ ?

Andy, I would be stealing money from you.

Well, like they say, put up or shut up.

You don't say I didn't warn you. It's a bet?

It's a bet. Good.

Now, it is my duty to inform you,

you're under arrest for gambling.

Andy... Gamblin' is gamblin',

whether it's blackjack, bettin' or bingo.

Yeah, but, andy, i...

You're not askin' me to ignore gamblin', are you?

Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? You're not askin' me to do that.

See, the law is the law.

Charges are brought for the same reason,

and charges are dropped for the same reason.

But, andy, i... Andy, if i...

(Andy) charges are dropped. Everybody home!

♪ [Humming]

andy, i, uh...

I got to admit it, I was wrong.

Everybody makes a little mistake once in a while, warren.

Oh, but, I mean,

a man in my position ought to know when he's goin' too far.

It's not like me, andy. I'm a reasonable man.

Yeah.

Well, the main thing, the bazaar is just doin' fine.

Bingo, huh?

Yeah, bingo, cake sales, kissin' booth.

Yeah. Kissin' booth?

Oh, yeah. Makin' a lot of money.

Huh.

Uh, how's... How's that operate, andy?

Well, a fellow goes up to the booth, see, uh-huh.

Puts down a quarter, gets to kiss the lady.

Any guy?

Sure.

Stranger?

Sometimes.

Well, then, what you're sayin', andy, is that for the sum of cents,

an unidentified john doe can willfully accost any lady in a booth?

What about it?

Andy, where do you keep the book on local ordinances?

I want to check the morals code on this one.

I'll k*ll you. Huh?

I'll k*ll you. No, andy, andy!