06x20 - Wyatt Earp Rides Again

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

[brakes squealing]

howdy! Gibson's the name, fred gibson.

Howdy. I'm andy taylor. This is my son, opie. Hi, son.

Hi.

Well, what can I do for you?

It ain't what you can do for me, sheriff.

It's what I can do for you. I'm here to bring joy to mayberry. My card, sir.

What's it say, pa?

"Gibson's wild west show.

East or west, gibson's the best."

That's right, and we're smack in the middle

of our th consecutive triumphant grand tour.

When, to my horror, I discovered that your fair town

had never been blessed by one of our magnificent performances.

So it's my pleasure to announce

we'll be bringin' our great spectacular

right into your entertainment-starved community.

Oh, well, we're not exactly entertainment-starved.

Oh, don't thank me, sheriff. We're happy to do it.

A wild west show? Wow!

Oh, looky there.

Just look at them soulful little eyes light up.

Just the prospect of us coming into town

has brought a ray of sunshine into his drab little life.

Now, we'll be moving into town tomorrow to set things up.

We'll start putting on our shows on saturday.

I come ahead to arrange for the necessary permit.

I trust you can provide for that.

Oh, well... Thanks a lot, sheriff. I knew I could count on you.

Where should we set up?

Well, offhand...

I passed your fairgrounds on the way in. That'd be fine for us.

Oh, well... That'd be fine for you, too, sheriff.

[Laughing] you're not much of a one

for -sided conversations, are you?

Well, sheriff, there ain't no sense in wastin' time.

We got a great show, and you folks are lucky to see it.

You know why you're lucky?

Well... The star of our show is none other

than clarence earp hisself.

Now, he is the great-nephew

and direct blood relative of wyatt earp.

Great-nephew of wyatt earp?

Yes, sir, son, and he is just exactly like his great uncle was.

He's -fisted, hard-ridin', fast-sh**t'.

Gee, pa, this is about the biggest thing

that ever happened in mayberry.

I guess it does rank right up there.

I'll be by to pick up the permit tomorrow.

I sure thank you for your cooperation, sheriff.

You're a man of action. I'm happy to see that.

I like that in a man. See y'all later.

[Door closing]

boy, wait till I tell the kids.

A real wild west show

starring a real relative of wyatt earp.

Actual blood relative of wyatt earp himself, huh?

That's what the man said.

Well, i, uh, I never gave it much thought,

but i... I guess there are some livin' members

of the earp clan still around, andy. Yeah, must be.

Hmm.

Oh, say, this is exciting.

The last time we had someone in mayberry

who was connected to a famous person

was harvey kester.

Harvey kester?

He used to repair gloria swanson's radio set.

Wonderful fella.

You'd think he'd be swell-headed, wouldn't you?

Ah, but not harvey.

No, he was just a regular fella.

Yeah. I liked him for that.

Well, the kids ought to get a real kick

out of seeing a wild west show.

Oh, yes. Remember the last show we had passing through here?

The great mandrake.

He was a fire-eater. Fire-eater?

Yeah, he swallowed fire like the rest of us swallow carrots and peas.

Lit matches, candles, torches, you name it, he'd swallow 'em.

Yeah, but the show didn't last too long, as I remember,

because the fire department had to keep putting him out.

[Laughing]

oh, wasn't that good? Yeah.

[Laughing]

oh, we shouldn't have too much trouble

with this wild west show.

Sounds like it'll be real outstanding.

Especially with that, uh, uh...

What was that fellow's first name again? Clarence.

Clarence earp!

Of course, yes.

Clarence earp. Uh...

Oh, he must be just like his great uncle.

You know, those broad shoulders, narrow waist,

rippling muscles. With his cold, steely eyes

lookin' straight ahead

as he rides tall in the saddle.

What's this, andy?

Could that be wyatt earp's great-nephew?

Well, if it is, something sure went haywire in the bloodline.

[Children shouting]

out at the fairgrounds. Oh, spread it around. Tell everybody.

Tell everybody about the show, boys.

(Boy) we will.

(Warren) all right, kids, now, come on.

Let's not block the sidewalk, come on.

(Gibson) move the horse along.

Howdy, sheriff.

Mr. Gibson, nice to see you again.

Sheriff, I'd like for you to have the honor

of meetin' the great-nephew of wyatt earp.

This here is clarence earp.

Pleasure to meet you, sheriff.

Pleasure to meet you, too.

I thought I'd bring clarence into town.

Let folks take a look at him.

Well, it's a real treat.

Oh, just wait till you see him in action, sheriff.

The fast draw, the smoking . ,

The pinpoint accuracy.

I'll bet it's a thrill for you to meet a real cowboy, huh, son?

Well, I was... I knew it would be.

I was gonna say... I know you were.

Well, I like a boy who speaks just right up.

That's a fine boy you got there, sheriff. Thanks.

The important thing is, folks,

don't miss one thrill-packed minute of our show.

: Tomorrow afternoon at the fairgrounds.

The rootinest, tootinest wild west show of 'em all.

And the only one starring an actual member of the earp clan.

You got our permit ready now, sheriff?

Uh, well, yeah.

Let's go in the courthouse and get it. Well...

Don't forget, folks: first show : tomorrow.

Spread the word around. Spread the word around.

Anyway, uh, if these characters

are really gonna put on a wild west show

and this clarence earp's gonna be the star,

it can't be much of a show. I doubt if he could even...

How do, gents? Oh, how do.

My name is fred gibson.

This here is none other than clarence earp,

though I suppose you fellas already heard of him by now.

Oh, yes, yeah. Oh, certainly have.

Howdy, gents.

You mind if I put one of my posters in your window?

Yeah, oh, well, I don't know.

Thanks very much, friend.

Where should I put it?

Well, uh, well, I've got that window, right over...

Right over here would be fine. How's it look?

Well, I don't know.

You know, friend, the minute I laid eyes on you,

I figured you were the kind of fella

that loved to see some fine entertainment

come in to your fair community.

Oh, well, yeah, i... I've always been a patron of the theater.

Oh, I knew that, friend, from the minute I laid eyes on you.

Can I see what it looks like?

You may have this one for your very own.

For my very own?

[Stuttering] oh, boy.

Hey! Looks like you're gonna put on some show.

Lassoing and fast draws, Kn*fe-throwing.

I'm really looking forward to it, mr. Earp.

Uh, uh, my very own.

Does he, uh, does he really do all that?

Well, friend, now, just because clarence here is scrawny,

don't think he ain't tough.

Oh, no, i... I didn't mean that. It just seems...

Would you care for a little arm-wrestlin'?

Huh? Out of . You game?

[Laughs]

well, i, uh,

I just think it's fair to warn you that, uh,

that's one department I happen to excel in, right?

Uh, that's right!

[Laughs]

uh, at the last founder's day picnic,

warren was the arm-wrestling champ.

He walked away with a month's supply of mint jelly.

Ooh, well, congratulations.

Nothing to it. Well, would you be willing to lay down cents

to defend your title?

Well, if, uh, you don't mind throwing money away.

All right. Let's go, clarence.

Howdy. Oh, hi, andy.

What's, uh, going on?

You're just in time for the fun, andy.

Warren and mr. Earp are gonna have an arm-wrestling contest.

Arm-wrestling? What for?

[Laughing] I was challenged, andy.

Anytime you're ready.

[Sighs]

howdy, sheriff. Yeah.

That's one.

Well, that was luck. Uh, my elbow slipped.

Gee, uncle floyd, you ought to keep the table clean.

There's hair cream all over the darn thing.

I never keep hair cream on that table.

Well, there's something slippery on it.

Get me a towel, andy.

Yeah.

Thanks.

All right. Let's see what you can do now, fella.

Let's hurry it up, son. We got to get movin'.

Sure a pleasure doin' business with you, gentlemen.

Hope to see y'all at the show.

Wow. Wow.

He's fast as greased lightnin'.

Well, that's the way it was in the old west, boys.

A man had to have a g*n, be fast and fancy.

Had to be tough, too. I'm tellin' you, tough.

Clarence, here, he can stand toe-to-toe

with any man alive, no matter what shape or size.

[All exclaiming]

you care for a little rasslin', friend?

Well, no, I don't think i...

You look like a husky lad.

Well, I eat a lot of vegetables.

How about a friendly rasslin' match

between you and clarence here?

Nobody gets hurt, all in good fun.

Well, no, i...

Come on, goober. Let's see if you can take him. You're strong.

[Chuckling]

well, ok.

Here, ope, hold my tire gauge.

All right, right over here, right over here.

Take your positions, men.

But boys, get on over to the side. Get over to the side.

You ready? Yeah.

You ready? Let's go!

(All) come on, goober!

[Kids cheering]

find a soft spot to land him in, clarence.

(Boy) all right!

[Grunting]

(all) come on, goober!

[Kids continue cheering]

[all exclaim]

that's enough, clarence.

You all right, son?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

We have to do that just so people will know

that everything I say about clarence is true.

It sure is.

Don't forget to come to the show, boys, and bring all your parents.

And remember, clarence lives by the code of the west:

the man who can fight is the man who is right.

Remember that, boys.

Hey, son, let me take a feel of that muscle of yours.

[Exclaiming]

I'll... I'll bet you can take care of yourself, huh?

Yes, sir.

All right, see you at the show, boys. Ok.

Bye, mr. Earp.

[Clicks tongue]

here's your tire gauge, goob.

Oh, you are really something, boy, you know that?

Hi, pa, hi, warren.

(Warren) hi, ope.

Hi, ope, where you been?

[Sighs] over at the fairgrounds,

watching them get ready for the show.

Yeah?

Clarence earp showed us some real fancy stuff with a g*n.

Is that right? And you know something else?

Huh? He b*at up goober.

He b*at up goober?

Yeah. Mr. Gibson got goober to wrestle with mr. Earp, and mr. Earp b*at him.

Boy, he's strong.

I wish they wouldn't stir things up.

Gee, things must have been exciting back in the old west, pa.

sh**t' and fightin' and everything.

Boy, I wish I could have been around back then.

Yeah, you're living in a pretty dull age now.

Nothing much happenin' except planes goin' faster than the speed of sound.

Astronauts orbiting the earth

and rockets going to the moon.

Yeah, but that's not like ridin' and fightin'

and -sh**t on your hip.

You comin', ope? Yeah.

Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

You know, I'm kind of sorry I gave them that permit.

I'll tell you something, andy.

A couple of guys like this can cause a lot of trouble.

How you doin', floyd? Well, howdy, andy.

[Sighs]

been out to see the show, yet?

No. I haven't had a chance, yet.

Oh, great show.

The old west reborn.

That's what I hear.

Uh, pardon me for saying so, andy, but, uh,

I don't think you'd have made a good sheriff

in the old days.

I'm not tough enough, huh?

You're too gentle.

You'd have probably been a barber.

[Laughing] what would you have been?

Gambler. High stakes.

sh**t the wad.

Well, you know, floyd... [Children shouting]

sounds like a fight.

Yeah.

[All shouting]

all right. That's enough of this.

That's enough of this!

That's enough of this! Do you hear me?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You, too, johnny paul.

What's all the yelling, andy? A fight.

A fight? Yeah. Now, who started it?

Well, we had an argument.

You had an argument?

Yeah. We were playing cowboy and this is our hideout

and they said they got here first!

We did get here first.

I'm clarence earp and me and my men went across the street

to the dance-off for a minute.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Yeah! All right, put 'em up.

"The man who can fight is the man who's right."

[Kids shouting] all right.

Cut it out. Cut... Cut it out.

Opie, go home. Get in your room. Stay there.

Go home, johnny paul. Go on, all of you.

"The man who can fight's the man that's right."

I know where they got that from.

Goober, I want you to do me a favor.

Go out to the fairgrounds and tell that gibson fella and that clarence earp

I want to see them in my office right now! Yo, andy.

"The man who can fight's the man that's right."

You mean to tell me that the man who can fight

is the man who is not right?

Well, what... Wait a minute,

you mean to tell me if you and me was to get in a fight

and you licked me, you'd be in the wrong? Well, uh, yes.

He's a strange man, you know that? How'd you get this far?

Look, all I'm asking you to do

is to take it a little easy

on all this talk about fightin'.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, I don't happen to agree with it.

But worse than that, you've been tellin' it to the kids.

Every word I told them is the truth.

And there's nobody better for a boy to look up to than a man like wyatt earp.

Well, I believe I made myself clear.

And just because the gentleman's name happens to be earp

is no reason to get folks all worked up,

especially the kids.

Now, maybe that name was important in the old days,

but the name earp don't mean too much anymore.

Are you besmirching the name of earp?

Look, all I said...

(Gibson) I know what you said.

You said the name of earp don't mean too much anymore!

Yes, I said that.

Hold it, sheriff.

You've said enough.

In the name of the earp family,

I demand satisfaction.

[Laughing] now wait a minute.

I am challenging you

to a fight.

A fight?

Now look, this isn't tombstone.

Your choice of weapons...

(Gibson) now let's simmer down now, son.

And we'll meet you in front of your office

at high noon.

High noon, sheriff.

[Door closing]

oh, I sure wish you hadn't a' besmirched

the name of earp, sheriff.

[Door closing]

[sighing]

for heaven's sakes.

What are you gonna do, andy?

I don't know.

This is ridiculous, andy, challengin' people to duels.

Now, we ought to clamp the cuffs on those jokers

and throw them in the old pokey.

I mean, you come face to face with this fella,

you're liable to get hurt, andy. He is tough, believe me.

Yeah, I know.

He can take a guy twice his size.

If he starts fooling around with that g*n of his,

there's no tellin' what's gonna happen.

Where you going, andy? Out.

But it's : .

That gives me an hour to k*ll. I'll be back.

[Door opening]

pa. I just heard about it.

Oh, you did, huh?

Gee, pa, you think you ought to fight?

Well...

You told me yourself that's no way to settle things.

Well, I'm glad to hear you remember what I told you,

but I'll be all right.

Have you decided on your choice of weapons, yet?

Yes, I have.

Well, what you gonna use?

Well, you know, in any good western,

you never give away the ending.

So I guess you're just gonna have to wait till high noon to find out.

Well, whatever it is, pa,

I know you're gonna win.

Thanks, son.

All right, let's move along here, kids, come on.

I'm glad you're not armed, sheriff.

I ain't spent an easy minute worried about you.

Look like it's going to be a fistfight, clarence.

A fist? Oh, fist. Right.

Take it easy on him, clarence.

Wait, wait. Now wait, now wait a minute.

Now listen. Now, now will you hold it?

W-will you tell him to hold it?

Stop it. Hold it. Yes, sir, sheriff?

Let's, uh, let's go in the courthouse.

I'll fight you in the street. I'll fight you in a barn.

I'll fight you in the courthouse.

No. Now listen, now listen.

Listen, listen. Let's go, right now.

Now, will you stop it? Will you stop?

I am not going to fight this boy with my fists.

What are you going to fight him with? A book.

A book? Yes, a book!

It's a book about wyatt earp and all the descendants of wyatt earp,

living and dead.

And the strange thing is,

the one name they don't mention,

not even one time, is clarence earp.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about there is no clarence earp.

Why, I'm clarence earp. Course you are, clarence.

[Sighing]

now, I don't know which one of you it is,

maybe it's both of you, but somebody's lying.

I've always been clarence earp.

Haven't i, fred? Course you have, clarence.

Don't even pay any attention to him.

[Sighing] wait a minute, mr. Gibson.

You better tell this boy he's not clarence earp.

'Cause I'm telling you right now,

if you keep running all over the country, playin' cowboy,

wearing cowboy suits and pistols on your hips

and carrying on the way you've been carrying on,

you going to wind up getting this boy in all kinds of trouble.

I wonder why my name isn't in this book, fred.

Well?

Well,

son,

I told you that I knew your mama and daddy, but I didn't.

I didn't know 'em at all.

What I did know, though, was that

wherever you came from,

you were the scaredest one of the litter.

Boy, you never could seem to find your place

with the other little boys.

Always kind of sickly

and kind of unsure of yourself

and I wanted to straighten you out.

Well, I've always been an admirer

of the great wyatt earp

and I just figured I'd give you that name

so you'd have some heritage to live up to.

Then it's all been a lie?

Yeah, it has, clarence.

And I'm no kin to wyatt earp?

No, you're not.

[Sighs]

well, I wonder what I'm going to do now, fred.

I've been clarence earp so long

that's all I know how to be.

I know.

I like showin' people that I could handle myself.

Folks looked up to me, fred.

Yeah, they did, clarence.

Always meant so much.

You... You and me travelin' around the country together,

getting into little scraps with somebody

every now and then.

I liked being kin to wyatt earp.

That was nice, fred.

Yeah, this it was, clarence.

I guess it was nice, son,

but a person has to be who he really is.

Right, fred?

Oh, right, sheriff. Exactly right.

A man's got to be who he really is. There's no doubt about it.

No kin to wyatt earp?

No, you're not, clarence.

Do you know who I really am, fred?

Oh, yeah, sure I know.

What my real name is?

Yeah.

Well, w-what is it?

Dempsey.

[Boxing bell clanging]

see, what did I tell you? They're comin' over here now.

Amazing. Howdy, gents.

It's my great pleasure to announce

we're bringing to your entertainment-starved community,

one of the greatest boxing events

in the history of the glorious state of north carolina.

But we've had boxin'.

Don't thank us, friend, we're happy to do it.

As you're probably aware, we'll be introducing the fine, fistic talents

of none other than clarence "kid" dempsey

who will meet all challengers for the grand prize of $ , cash money.

Clarence, give the boys here a little sample.

Right.

That's enough, clarence, just a sample.

Hey, there, friend!

How'd you like to take a sh*t at that $ ?

Heck, no, I couldn't even whup him when his name was earp.

[Laughing]

well, spread the word around. We're meeting all challengers.

Ok. When you gonna put this on?

Just as soon as I get us a permit from the sheriff.

You mind if I put one of my posters in your window?

Uh, uh, well i... Thanks a lot for your cooperation, friend.

[Boxing bell clanging]