06x27 - The Foster Lady

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Andy Griffith Show". Aired: October 1960 to April 1968.*

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Andy Taylor who is a widowed sheriff raises his son in Mayberry, N.C.
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06x27 - The Foster Lady

Post by bunniefuu »

[Whistling]

[birds chirping] hi.

Trouble, huh? Afraid so.

I was taking a short cut and one of your local cows

suddenly decided to cross the road.

I swerved to avoid hitting her.

Well, I missed the cow, but I didn't miss the ditch.

Gee, that's a shame. Brand new car, too.

I must have hit something underneath. There's oil leaking.

I'm sorry about that.

We got a sign back there says "cattle crossing,"

but every now and then, we'll get a jaywalker.

It can happen.

Well, I'll go back in town and get our garage man

to get the truck and tow you in.

Wanna ride with me?

That won't be necessary, just make a call.

We don't have any phones around here.

In my car.

Oh!

(Foster) help yourself.

Ok.

Turn that little switch in the center. Mmm.

Now, first you'll get the mobile operator. Mmm-hmm.

Press that button on the receiver. Oh.

[Clearing throat] o-operator,

this is, uh, kg - .

Uh,

could i... Could I speak to in mayberry, please?

[Phone ringing]

hello.

Oh, hey, andy.

Hey, goober, you'll never guess where I'm callin' from.

Uh, the office?

The house?

I give up. Where?

I'm callin' from a phone inside a car.

[Laughing]

you know I never drink.

Well, listen, listen.

[Horn honking]

you mean you're actually talkin' from one of them car telephones?

[Laughing]

yeah. Hey, hey, listen, goober.

There's been an accident out here on the juniper road

about a mile and a half from the lake.

Better get your truck out here right away.

Right. Ok, bye.

Yeah.

There we are.

Well, yeah, I can fix that oil pan, all right.

Be good as new.

How long will it take?

Uh, best part of a day. All right, go ahead.

Uh, I better get your name and address for makin' out the bill.

The name is foster.

That's with a "f."

Willard foster.

Elm street in raleigh.

The big town, huh?

[Laughing]

what do you do for a livin', mr. Foster? Goober!

Well, andy, anybody's got a phone in their car

is bound to be somebody special.

Well, still and all, that's no call to ask a man what he does for a livin'.

That's all right, sheriff.

I manufacture furniture polish.

You wouldn't be the foster of foster furniture polish?

Right. Well, I'll be dogged.

We see your advertisements on t.v. All the time.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

That sure is a pretty girl you got there.

You know the one that holds up the can of polish.

You like that one, huh?

Yeah.

Uh, would it make you wanna go out and buy foster furniture polish?

I don't know. But I sure would like to go out with that girl.

Yes, I'm afraid that's what I hear all the time.

They're so busy looking at the girl,

they don't have any time to look at the product.

Well, I better let you get to work.

I'll k*ll some time looking around the town, maybe get a bite to eat.

I was just on my way home. Why don't you come and eat with me?

Oh, that's very kind of you, sheriff.

I know my aunt would love to meet you.

She uses your furniture polish all the time.

Well, in that case, I'd be happy to meet her, too.

Well, good. Let's go.

Uh, mr. Foster,

uh, if I have to get a special tool or somethin',

can I use the phone in your car?

Of course. You got a phone right there in the station.

Mr. Foster said I could use it.

[Car doors opening]

come on in, mr. Foster. Come right in.

Uh, a-aunt bee?

Yes?

Oh!

I brought a guest for lunch.

Oh, fine!

Aunt bee, I'd like you to meet mr. Willard foster.

Hello. How do you do?

This is the mr. Foster of foster's furniture polish.

No!

In person.

Oh! Well, this is an honor, mr. Foster!

Won't you sit down, mr. Foster?

Thank you, thank you. Make yourself comfortable.

Well...

Oh, well, I'll get lunch in a jiffy! Thank you.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is

to have you with us, mr. Foster.

You know, I use your polish all the time.

So your nephew tells me. How do you like it?

Well, I've been using it for years

and all I can say is, it does the job for me.

Gives me a wonderfully hard, glossy shine,

and it seems to last a lot longer than the others I've tried.

Sounds like one of your television advertisements.

To tell you the truth, it sounds a whole lot better.

Instead of all those actresses they keep sending me,

maybe I'd be better off to have a real person talk about my product.

Not a bad idea.

Uh, someone that's used to keeping house.

(Andy) I never thought about it,

but when a commercial sounds real,

I guess I pay more attention to it.

Yes.

Mmm, delicious!

This is one of aunt bee's specialties.

Uh, tuna, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.

We have tuna about once a week.

I suppose you come home for lunch almost every day, hmm?

(Andy) just about.

How long have you lived in mayberry, sheriff?

Now, you know, that's an excellent idea.

What?

Having a real person talk about your product.

I know I'd believe it a lot more

if I heard a real person say,

"I get a wonderful, glossy shine with it,

and it lasts longer than the others I've tried."

Hmm, I expect it would be better, yeah.

Well, if you ask me it should just be an average woman

in a small town.

Mmm-hmm. You know, someone who actually uses your polish

and knows what a wonderfully hard, glossy shine it gives.

Yes, yes, you...

You know, I've just had a wild thought.

Oh?

What about you?

Me? Go on television

and say what a wonderfully hard, glossy shine it gives?

Yes, yes.

Well, for goodness sakes!

Oh. Well...

This is sort of sudden, isn't it, andy?

Yes, you might say that.

Yes, and we could film the commercials right here in the house.

Right in the house?

Yes, it would make it all seem real. Give it that natural effect.

Oh, you're so persuasive, mr. Foster.

Then it's settled.

You know, if this all works out,

you could become our official representative.

Well, you would be the foster lady.

The foster lady?

[Giggling]

the foster lady.

Oh, this is big, andy. It's big. Yeah.

Gonna be shown all over the country.

Well, I deserve some of the credit, you know.

You? Well, yeah.

If I didn't have to fix his car,

he never would've had time to have lunch at your house and meet aunt bee.

Hey, look who's comin'.

Mayberry's lady of the hour.

Hi!

[All exclaiming]

still saying hello to your old friends,

or are you too big for that now?

Oh, floyd!

Remember, no matter what happens,

we knew you when.

Oh, floyd, you know I'll never get too big to know my friends.

When are the t.v. People coming?

Well, mr. Foster said it'd be a couple of days.

They'll let me know.

Tell the truth, bee.

Have you got butterflies?

Have i? I can't keep them quiet.

You know... You know, I never dreamed when I used to sit

in the nd balcony and watch clara kimball young,

that it could happen to me! Well, who knows?

One of these days I'll be

hangin' up a calendar in the shop there with your picture on it.

Oh, floyd!

[All laughing]

[clearing throat]

I've been using foster's furniture polish for years.

And all I know is that it does the job for me.

Hey! That sounds good.

Oh. Well, i... I have to do a little rehearsing if I'm gonna do a good job.

It sounded fine to me, huh, ope?

Yeah. If I was a lady I'd sure like to go out

and buy some foster's furniture polish. Well.

Oh, thank you, opie.

Of course, I hope to get a lot better.

Well, supper'll be ready in about minutes.

Ok, let's wash up.

Ah!

Of course, I can't promise you how good it'll be.

I've been kind of nervous and excited all day.

Well, I don't blame you.

This is a big year for the taylors.

Elizabeth and aunt bee.

Don't be ridiculous.

Comparing me to someone like elizabeth taylor.

Aunt bee, aunt bee, they're here.

The television people.

(Bee) oh, my!

I never dreamed there'd be so many of them.

Oh, my. Just for me?

Well, come on, opie.

Come on.

[Birds chirping]

[men chattering]

well, welcome to mayberry.

I'm bee taylor and this is opie. Hello.

Hi, how are you? I'm jim martin, the director.

How do you do?

And I'd like you to meet bob saunders, my assistant.

Hi. This is sid hickock, our cameraman.

Burt. (Burt) hi.

Rest of the crew down there.

And this is eve kryger. She'll be doing your make-up.

Make-up? Just a touch.

Well, you wanna get the show on the road?

(Saunders) right. On the road?

Oh, I'm sorry. That's how we say, uh, let's get things rolling.

Oh, oh, I see.

Well, let's.

Fine. Come along.

Bring the rest of that stuff in, you guys. Come on.

Ok, burt. Got it.

Fine. That's good, eve.

Now, as you know, we won't be using a script.

I just want you to do this in your own words.

Yes, I know that, mr. Martin.

I know exactly what I'm going to say.

Fine. What I wanna capture on film is your complete honesty.

Ready whenever you are, jim.

Oh, good. Well, let's... Let's... Let's try one.

You mean we're actually going to do it? Yeah.

Right now? Now is as good a time as any.

Everybody set? (Saunders) right.

(Martin) ok.

Well, this is some production, huh?

Yeah. Boy, this is excitin'. Yeah.

Hey, there's ope.

[People chattering]

hi, ope.

Hi, pa.

How's everything goin'?

Great, pa.

What's been happenin'? Nothin'.

Now, just relax. Relax.

Remember, the important thing is to just be yourself.

Ok? Mmm-hmm.

All right, fine. Real easy.

All right, everybody set? (Saunders) right.

Ok. Bob? Roll 'em.

Oh, andy! Speed?

I'd like you to meet my nephew.

Hold it. Cut. Hi. Hi.

Nice to know you.

And this is goober from the filling station.

Hey, I sure am happy to meet you.

Same here.

I'm the fella who fixed mr. Foster's car

and that started the whole thing.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Miss taylor?

Oh, excuse... Excuse us. Goober?

All right, I'm ready.

Ok.

All right, everybody set?

Ok, bob.

Roll 'em.

Speed.

Foster furniture polish commercial, take one.

Action!

Andy, why ain't she sayin' nothing?

I don't know. Shh.

Uh, cut.

[Clearing throat]

uh, aren't you ready?

I'm awfully sorry.

I guess I'm a little nervous

with all the people and the lights and the camera.

Oh, of course, of course.

[Clearing throat] well, you just, uh, you just forget

there's lights and camera and people. It's, uh...

You're in your own home,

speaking just like you would to a neighbor who just dropped in.

Simple as that. Mmm-hmm.

Ok? Mmm-hmm.

All right, you want to try it again? Mmm-hmm.

Over here. Whoops.

Uh-huh, ok. All right, here we go.

Bob?

Roll 'em.

Speed.

Foster furniture polish commercial, take .

(Martin) action!

Go on, go on.

Cut it.

I'm sorry, but...

[Clearing throat] is it important for you to hit the sticks

just as I'm about to speak?

Well, no, no, not if that's what's bothering you.

Well, it is, just a little.

I... I don't mean this as any criticism,

but you have a very strong voice.

Oh, well, I'm... I'm sorry.

Ok, uh...

[Whispering] bob, we'll... We'll end-slate it at the lab.

Ok, miss taylor. Whenever you're ready.

Mmm-hmm.

Hello, there.

This is bee taylor from mayberry

here to tell you about wonderful foster's furniture polish.

I've been using it for years

and all I know is that it does the job for me.

So why don't you buy a can of this wonderful polish

and soon you'll be saying it does the work for me, too.

Uh, cut.

She's real good, pa.

Yeah, she's got real talent.

Well, at least she's getting the words out.

Uh, that was, uh, that was very good, miss taylor

for a... For a first try.

[Chuckling] I feel a lot better

without those clacking sticks.

Yeah. And thank you very much.

[Clearing throat] oh, quite all right.

Uh, I think you're beginning to relax,

so we'll, uh, we'll try it again, ok?

Mmm-hmm, I feel a lot better.

Fine, fine.

I think we've got the show on the road.

Yes.

(Bee) so go to your nearest store today

and buy some.

But be sure to tell them that your good friend and neighbor,

bee taylor of mayberry, sent you.

Goodbye, out there!

Uh, cut.

Well, how was that one?

Uh, not bad.

But i... I... I wouldn't throw the kisses.


(Andy) oh, hi, mr. Foster.

Oh, hi, andy.

I thought I'd drop by

and see how our star is doing.

Oh, how nice to see you, mr. Foster.

Nice to see you again.

Well, jim, was I exaggerating?

Isn't she wonderful?

Oh, she's wonderful.

It's, uh, it's been going a little slow.

Oh, we're not out to break any speed records.

Just as long as we get results.

Well, I didn't mean to interrupt your work.

Excuse me.

[Clearing throat]

come on in, mr. Foster.

Andy...

Oh, excuse me, mr. Foster. You remember goober

and, uh, this is floyd lawson.

Hello.

I've been using your furniture polish for years, too.

Oh, I'm happy to hear that.

Uh, uh, mr. Foster. Yeah.

[Sniffing] uh, I was thinking,

if you were looking for a foster man...

Well, not just right now.

The name is lawson.

Floyd lawson.

Floyd, they're trying to make a picture.

Oh, oh, I see... On with the show.

All right, why don't we try another one, ok?

Right. All right, fine

all right, now anytime you're ready, miss taylor.

And, uh, this time leave out the kisses

and also the, uh, the "goodbye, out there."

All right, but I have some other ideas.

Hi, out there, and speaking of high,

I want to show you the high gloss you get

when you always use foster's furniture polish.

It's the shine you'll take a shine to.

See that glisten?

You take the word of your good friend and neighbor

bee taylor of mayberry.

Cut.

Oh, it's just like poetry.

That was the best one yet, don't you think?

Well...

Oh, did you have a problem with the camera?

No, no.

Oh, well, I've got a surprise for you.

I've got a jingle to go along with the commercial.

Jingle?

Listen to this, mr. Foster.

♪ Shine on, foster's polish ♪

♪ that's the one to try ♪

♪ you ain't had such shining ♪

♪ since january, february ♪

♪ june or july ♪

oh, oh, I like that!

I like that.

Yeah, that's real catchy.

Well? What do you think?

That's fine.

Uh, I think we better break for lunch.

Uh, that's lunch, bob. (Saunders) that's lunch.

Why don't you just relax, miss taylor,

and we'll... We'll talk about it later.

All right. Can I get you some coffee?

Fine. Mr. Foster?

Oh, yes, thank you.

[People chattering]

[clearing throat]

she ain't making it, is she?

Well, something happened to her.

She's pressing. I haven't gotten one take we can use.

They... They'd just laugh at her. Yeah.

It's... It's too bad. That's a shame.

I don't know what I can do at this point.

Jim.

Hmm?

What's wrong with people laughing at a commercial?

Some of the most effective commercials I've ever seen are funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, and these are certainly funny enough.

Well, wait a minute.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

You know, I think you've got something.

It'll add a new tone to our advertising.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think that aunt bee...

Oh, they'll be great, andy.

Jim, if she keeps on doing it the same way

it'll be hilarious. People will love her!

Well, I just wonder how aunt bee's gonna feel about it.

Oh, I believe she's gonna get a big kick out of it.

Well, i... I just...

Now, you believe me, andy.

They're going to be sensational.

Why don't I just keep the camera rolling

and then we'll get as many takes as we can.

Are they going to make fun of aunt bee, pa?

Well, but they don't mean to, ope.

But she thinks she's being good.

I know.

If she finds out people are laughing at her...

Boy, huh?

It's going very well, don't you think, andy?

Oh, is it ever.

I was a little nervous at first but I got the hang of it.

Hmm, you sure did.

When they stopped all that clacking and noise,

I really got into it.

Yeah. Yeah.

It, uh, it sure is exciting.

Yes.

Yeah.

Of course, I imagine later on

there'll be a few changes around here.

Changes?

Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We'll... We'll probably have to have somebody

come in and look after the house

and... And, uh, the cooking and... And all of that, you know.

Oh? Why?

Because you're gonna be busy.

Answering fan mail,

looking over contracts and signin' them,

and havin' interviews.

Yeah, being a celebrity is a full-time job.

Yes, I suppose so.

Yeah, you'll have your hands full

but we'll get somebody to come in.

You mean I won't have time to do the cooking?

I don't see how.

But don't worry about it.

We'll get somebody who can cook just fine.

Well, I don't want anybody else in my kitchen.

Well, celebrities don't have time

to fool around in the kitchen.

And besides,

the company will want you to do a little traveling.

After all, you are the foster lady.

Traveling?

I hadn't considered that.

Well, I don't imagine it'd be for the whole year.

It'd probably be just for or months out of the year.

Or months?

Well, what would I do about my social activities

and my clubs and my friends?

Oh, well, I really wouldn't worry about that.

You'll be making new friends.

You know, in the business.

Anything wrong?

I don't think I'm going to like it.

Bein' a celebrity?

Who wants to be a celebrity?

Well, if you do commercials on t.v...

Well, who says I have to?

Let's get just as much film as we can on her and then...

Mr. Foster, I have something to tell you.

I'm very sorry, but I've made up my mind.

What? I've decided not to be the foster lady.

What? I just can't do your commercials.

But, but, why? Why?

Well, it's for personal reasons.

This may be fine for well, elizabeth taylor,

but it's... It's not for me.

But I don't understand.

Well, I'm sorry, but the...

The... The show is off the road.

: , Andy.

Oh, yes. Yes.

[Television dial clicking]

what you gonna watch?

The foster furniture polish show with the new commercials.

I'm anxious to see what they did with it.

(male announcer on t.v.) the rex benson show. there we are.

featuring rex benson and the singsongers.

presented to you by foster's furniture polish.

and now, let's hear what a typical housewife

thinks about foster's furniture polish.

(woman) hi, out there.

and speaking of high,

i'd like to show you the high gloss you always get

with foster's furniture polish.

see how it glistens?

i want all you ladies to remember the foster jingle.

♪ shine on, foster's polish ♪

♪ that's the one to try ♪

♪ you ain't had such shinin' ♪

♪ since january... ♪

oh, it's funny. It's funny the way she does it.

Hey, this is good.

(woman) so go to your nearest store and buy some today.

and don't forget to tell them

your good friend and neighbor,

martha carruthers of pleasantville, sent you.

goodbye, out there.

good. Very good. Yeah.

Of course, I could have played it for comedy

if they wanted me to.
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