06x29 - The Battle of Mayberry

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

[all chattering]

children?

Children, could we have some quiet, please?

You all know mr. Upchurch,

the publisher of our mayberry newspaper.

Well, he has something very exciting to tell you,

something I know you'll all be interested in. Mr. Upchurch.

Children, next week will be the th anniversary

of the founding of the paper by my father.

[All exclaiming] th?

I know, years must seem like ancient history to you,

but, in a way, history is what I'm here to talk to you about.

Now, to celebrate our golden anniversary,

our newspaper is going to give a gold medal

to one of you students.

But you're going to have to work for it.

That's right. The medal will go to the best essay

on the famous battle of mayberry,

that historic battle between the early settlers and the indians

that established mayberry's place

in our state history.

As mayberryites, you already know something about that battle

and about the heroism of the founders of our town,

but I want you to do some real work on your essays.

Miss crump and I will be the judges,

and the winning essay will be printed on the front page

of our anniversary edition.

Now, the rest is up to you.

You don't have much time, so I want you to get right to work.

Class dismissed.

[All chattering]

(andy) well, ope,

anything happen in school today?

Yeah. Johnny paul dropped his

bacon-and-tomato sandwich on the playground.

Oh, what a shame.

You should have seen it after it got stepped on a few times.

Stepped on?

Didn't anybody see it lyin' there?

We all did.

We took turns jumpin' on it.

Oh, opie!

Oh, yeah, there was somethin' else. Real good.

Mr. Upchurch stopped by and told the class

that he's gonna give away a prize

for the best essay on the battle of mayberry,

and he's gonna print it in the newspaper.

Hey, that ought to be real interesting to write about.

Especially since you have an ancestor

who was one of the heroes of that battle.

I do? Mmm-hmm.

Colonel carlton taylor.

A colonel! Wow!

Well, according to your great-grandfather, he was an officer.

We're not sure if he was a colonel, but he was somethin' like that.

Andy, I'm sure I heard he was a colonel.

And it wasn't a real army.

It was a militia that got together to protect the settlement.

A militia, huh? Yeah.

It was a great page in history

that all of us in mayberry can be proud of.

Glorious page.

When are you gonna start writin' your essay?

Oh, I don't know. It won't take me very long.

I know a lot about it.

Well, now, you got to be a good reporter and get all the facts.

That was a mighty important battle.

You can't just scribble out anything.

Yes, pa.

A lot of folks in mayberry had kinfolk in that battle.

Like floyd.

You ought to find out what they have to say.

I'll go on and see him tomorrow.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

mmm.

Hi, goober, mr. Lawson.

Hi, ope.

I figured it was about haircut time for you.

No. The reason I came is there's somethin' I wanna ask you.

Well, sh**t.

Do you know anything about the battle of mayberry?

Do I know about the battle of mayberry?

I have to write a paper for school about it.

Well, opie, it was my ancestor, colonel caleb lawson,

who was in it at the very beginning, see.

Old "stonewall" lawson.

He was the big hero.

What?

That's right. Those are the facts.

Well, it just so happens one of my kinfolk was the hero.

Colonel goober pyle of the north carolina seventh cavalry.

I never even heard of no colonel lawson.

Never heard of him?

Read your history, boy.

Why, he had the biggest herd of cattle in the settlement.

The indians drivin' the herd off

started the whole thing.

Gee, I didn't know that.

I ain't surprised.

Nobody knows that except floyd.

You lookin' for trouble?

Look, floyd, all I know is...

Single-handed he went after those cattle.

He didn't know the meaning of fear.

That ain't all he didn't know.

And then he came upon the cherokees.

And they were in their w*r paint,

and they were dancin' and whoopin' it up,

and he made it back to the settlement

to warn everybody.

With arrows buzzin' all around him...

Say, I even have one of the arrowheads at home.

Gee.

Uh, before you put all that down, ope,

it happened to be my ancestor

who come roarin' out of that stockade

and held them bloodthirsty savages off.

Opie, you ain't puttin' all that bushwa down?

Don't you call my relatives bushwa.

All I want is this boy to get the truth.

Then he come to the wrong place!

Goober, get out of here!

I couldn't bear to stay here another minute.

Leave my magazine!

It's my magazine. I left it here months ago.

You stole it from me months ago.

Oh, the nerve of him.

Talkin' down the main hero of mayberry.

Yes, sir.

Colonel lawson personally accounted

for of them savages during the battle.

Put that down!

Mr. Lawson was awful mad at goober.

But goober was awful mad at him, so it was even.

Well,

folks in mayberry feel pretty strong about that battle.

Yeah. Did you talk to anybody else, opie?

Yeah, I talked to mr. Macgruder.

[Knocking on door] door's open.

(Bee) hello, clara.

What you got behind you?

Charge!

[All laughing]

(opie) hey, a real sword!

I heard about the essay, and I wanted to make sure

that opie got all the true facts

about that glorious battle.

Can I see it?

Well, I brought it over for you to look at, opie.

Now, that's the sword

that my great-great grandfather, colonel edwards,

carried all through the battle.

What did he do in the battle?

Why, hasn't anybody told you?

He was the commanding officer.

And when the other settlers

crazed with hunger and thirst, wanted to give up,

he led them in a stirring charge

that broke the spirit of the indians

and brought the final victory.

Wow!

Waving this sword in the air, he yelled at his men,

"onward, boys! Do you want to live forever?"

Seems like I've heard that someplace.

We have a pillow with those words embroidered on it.

Sure worth remembering.

Was he a hero, too, miss edwards?

Of course, dear.

Gee, mr. Lawson said that his great-grandfather was the hero.

Oh, I suppose it makes him feel better to think that.

Well, actually, opie, they were all heroes,

including your ancestor, carlton taylor.

Oh? Was there a taylor in the battle?

There certainly was.

He was one of the first settlers.

Mayberry was almost called taylortown.

Oh.

Well, I wanted you to see the actual sword that was used.

I'll be running along now.

Thanks, and I'll mention the sword in my essay.

Well, it just might help you win the prize.

Well, thanks for coming over, clara.

Oh, it's quite all right.

Carlton taylor...

It's possible.

Well, the idea!

Clara's beginning to think she led that charge herself.

[Chuckles]

gosh, pa, the only thing that people agree on

is that those indians were pretty mean.

Yeah.

Sure would like to know what the indians said, though.

Yeah.

Hey, pa, tom strongbow's an indian, isn't he?

Yeah. He's cherokee.

Maybe I ought to go talk to him.

Hey, that's a good idea.

I tell you what, I'll drive you over there tomorrow.

Gee, thanks, pa. Yeah.

That's right, opie.

It was my revered ancestor, chief strongbow,

that led the cherokee

in the defense of their traditional hunting ground.

Chief strongbow. Hmm.

Gee, was he wounded?

Oh, yeah, many times. Matter of fact, look at this.

This is just one of the, uh, musket balls

that the medicine man took out of him after the battle.

Gee.

That was a pretty tough battle, I guess.

Yeah, it was for the indians.

It was braves against settlers.

Braves?

That's right. Bows and arrows against muskets.

Now you can understand why us indians still talk about

the battle of, uh, tuckahoosie creek.

Tuckahoosie creek? We're talkin' about the battle of mayberry, tom.

Well, that's what the settlers called it,

but to us indians it's still the victory of tuckahoosie creek.

Victory?

Yeah. That's right.

Us indians forced them settlers and their cattle off our huntin' grounds.

Aw, come on, tom.

Well, they did.

The settlers won that battle.

Opie, I hope you mention chief strongbow in your paper.

After all, he was the real hero of the battle.

I'll see you, sheriff.

Gee, pa.

I don't know what to put down now.

Yeah, I guess you are kind of confused.

Gee, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Hey, you know what?

I got to make a trip up to raleigh tomorrow on police business.

Why don't I drop you off at the raleigh public library?

They got a lot of old newspapers there

goin' way back to , ,

somewhere along in there.

I bet you can get the true facts of the battle.

Yeah. I've got the dates.

I bet it's all in the paper.

Sure it is.

You know, I can see that medal hangin' on you right now?

How's it goin'?

I don't know, pa.

What do you mean, you don't know?

Well, I found the story about the battle of mayberry.

Yeah?

But it's different from what everybody else told me.

What do you mean, different? Let me see.

Where is it?

Right there.

Oh.

See what I mean?

Yeah.

I guess this is the true story, huh, pa?

I'm afraid it is.

Gracious alive!

[Whistling]

you mean you actually found an account of the battle?

Yeah. In an old raleigh paper, may , .

Opie copied down the whole thing.

Well, this is fascinating.

I wonder how they came to write about it?

Well, it seems that the reporter that wrote the piece

had heard all the heroic stories of the battle,

and he decided he'd make a trip from raleigh down to mayberry

and talk to some of the people who had actually been in the battle.

Oh, you mean our ancestors?

Our ancestors and the indians.

Well, go ahead. Go ahead, andy.

Brace yourself.

He has some stuff at the beginning, and then he says,

"dear readers, there was no battle of mayberry.

"The only casualties were scrawny cow,

" deer and mule

who had the misfortune to look like a deer."

No battle?

Hmm.

"The whole fracas began

with the death of bessie lawson."

There. You see?

Floyd's great-grandmother.

"Bessie was their mean old cow

"that an indian sh*t by accident.

[Clearing throat] "the next day,

"the mayberryites sent the women and children away,

"and settlers

"found themselves facing cherokee braves

who had about as much desire to fight as they did."

Braves?

That's right.

"Taunts and insults filled the air,

but no b*ll*ts or arrows."

Oh, I can hardly believe that.

"Then, out from the stockade stepped lieutenant edwards."

Lieutenant edwards! Clara's ancestor, the colonel.

"He approached the indians on a wavering course,

holding a fearsome w*apon in his hand."

The sword.

"A jug of mayberry's finest corn liquor.

"One drink led to another

"and when they were all happy and friendly,

"they went into the woods together to sh**t some deer

"to pay lawson for old bessie.

"That's how the mule got k*lled.

Those were the only sh*ts fired in the battle of mayberry."

Well, how did all these stories get started?

That's here, too.

"Both sides realized that the true story of the battle

"would be a sorry tale to tell their womenfolk.

"So the story of the bloody battle of mayberry

"was conceived and born

after the last sh*t had been fired."

There you are.

Oh, andy,

this is going to upset a lot of people.

You better know it.

Oh, everybody's taken such pride

in the part their families played in the battle.

I know.

There's not too much pride in settlers and indians

sittin' around and gettin' gassed.

Andy, if opie wins this contest

and that is printed in the paper...

Mmm-mmm.

I wonder what kind of chance he's got, though.

[Clearing throat] oh.

Uh, sarah?

Would you get me helen crump?

What?

No, I didn't know that.

Colonel, huh?

Oh, yes, I'll tell opie. Yup.

Hi, helen.

Aw, nothin'. I just thought I'd call.

How's the essay contest comin'?

Oh, well, they won't be handed in till tomorrow.

Uh-huh.

Gee, I wonder who'll win that thing?

Hard to tell, huh?

Mmm. There's several students in the class

who do well at compositions and essays.

Opie's pretty good.

Say, opie's good at essays, huh?

A lot's gonna depend on the amount of research that's done.

The student that comes in with the facts,

well, that's gonna count for a big part of it.

Yeah, yeah. That should be a big part of it, yeah.

Well, when do you figure you'll know the results?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll... I'll, uh, I'll probably see you tomorrow.

Bye.

He could win.

Oh, my.

Hi there, ope.

Hi, pa.

Workin' on the old essay, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah. I figured that's what you would be doin'.

You want to read it?

Well,

ok.

It's pretty good, huh?

Well, it shows a lot of research.

That means it's good then, doesn't it?

Mmm. Sort of.

But that's what you told me to do.

Well, you know, there's such a thing as over-researching.

I don't know what you mean.

Well,

l-let me see if I can explain that to you.

[Clearing throat] um...

Well, facts are one thing, right?

Right. Right.

And then there are other things

that are not facts, right?

Right. Right.

Well, w-what i... What I'm tryin' to say

is that too many facts

can make an essay dull.

You know what I mean?

No, pa, 'cause I don't think this is gonna be dull.

Uh-huh.

Hey, I got a thought.

Why don't I work with you on this?

No, pa. It's gotta be my own work,

and I have to turn it in tomorrow.

Look, I know a lot of other fathers

are gonna be helpin' out their kids, huh?

Well...

They shouldn't, should they, pa?

Good night.

Hey, andy. I just seen helen crump down the street.

I asked her about the contest,

she said she's got the papers all marked

and she's gonna announce the winner at assembly tomorrow mornin'.

Where'd you see her? Around the corner, on maple.

But... But you read what he had in that essay.

He did a wonderful job of research.

You know how folks in town feel about that battle.

I know, andy, but I don't know what else to do

but give him the prize.

No other essay was even a close nd to opie's.

[Groaning]

andy, I'm sorry, I'm already late for school. I've got to run.

I'll see you later. Well...

Hey, andy!

Well, hi, guys.

Goober says they're gonna announce the winner tomorrow.

It's gonna be published in the afternoon paper.

Yeah. Hey, andy,

you know if opie put in that thing about my ancestor

holdin' off the savages with arrows flyin' all around?

I don't know... Oh, I tell you,

the more you hear about this battle, the greater it was.

That's right. You said it.

Boy, you really got a heritage, eh, andy?

Yeah, I guess so.

What do you mean, you guess so?

Uh, well, floyd, you know, when you... When you keep tellin' things,

sometimes they'll get a little exaggerated.

Exaggerated? This is all true. My mama said so.

What I mean, goob, is, well...

Like, you know, when you catch a -pound bass,

it'll gain a good pounds in the telling.

We're talkin' about proved history.

The kind of history that put mayberry on the map!

Long live mayberry!

Long live mayberry! Long live mayberry!

Helen, you can't give opie that prize.

Look, andy, opie wrote the best essay,

and we promised that the best essay

would get a prize and be published.

Now, we have an obligation to keep our word yeah.

Even if it is a blow to mayberry.

Yeah, it'll be a blow, all right.

It'll be like tellin' people at valley forge

that george washington got frozen someplace else.

Well, I'm not gonna take the prize away from opie.

And that brings up another little point.

How do you think that folks around here are gonna feel about opie

when they read all this? And me? I'm his father.

They're not gonna be too happy with me, either. I sympathize with you, andy,

but I can't help it.

It's gonna be published tomorrow.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

You're not makin' it very easy

for me and opie to walk down main street.

(Opie) hey, pa! Pa!

I won, pa! I won!

Yeah, I heard. Congratulations.

Miss crump announced it this mornin'.

She said it's gonna be in this afternoon's paper.

Yeah. It's already out.

[Groaning]

you took the words right out of my mouth.

No battle.

No heroes, neither.

No arrows, no colonels.

Kind of gives you a-an empty feelin'.

Hi, boys.

Hi.

Hey.

Gee, pa, they sure acted funny.

Yeah.

Awful. Just awful.

Hi, miss edwards, mr. Strongbow.

Hello.

Well, it's been a week.

Looks like everybody'd be over it by now.

Well, it was a great shock, andy,

and people are taking it very hard. Hmm.

Maybe I shouldn't have written it.

Well...

Even the kids are kind of upset with me.

Most of 'em had colonels in their families, too.

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it. Mmm.

Hello?

Yes, he is.

I wonder...

All right, I'll tell him.

They want us down at the courthouse right away.

Something to do with the essay.

Oh.

Well, I guess it'll come to a head now.

Come on, opie.

What's happenin'?

Andy, I thought it'd be a good idea

[static] if we all listened to the broadcast together.

What are you talkin' about?

The radio broadcast from the governor. What?

(Upchurch) it's his weekly radio chat.

And I got this wire sayin'

there's gonna be somethin' on it we might be interested in hearin'.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Hey, everybody, I got it.

(governor) we look forward to progress in that area.

and now I have a special message to the people

of one of our towns in the northern part of our state.

not one of our biggest towns,

but certainly one which we cherish dearly.

the town of mayberry.

to the people of mayberry:

i have read with deep interest the article in your newspaper

entitled "the true story of the battle of mayberry."

i wish to commend the student who wrote it

and congratulate the entire mayberry community.

the frankness of the article

and the honesty of its publication

can serve as an inspiration

to all the people of the state.

too often we are hindered by old myths

and legends that have no real meaning today.

there's a lesson to be learned

from the true story of the battle of mayberry,

and that is that things can very often be settled peacefully.

you all have every right to be proud of your town

and its wise founders.

good day.

[all chattering]

well,

it's what we've all known for some time.

Mayberry has always been an honest

and peaceful town,

and we all have a right to be proud.

And do you know who's responsible for all this?

Opie taylor.

Cheers for opie! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

[All laughing]

well, ope, looks like it's safe

to wear that medal now, huh?

Yeah.

[All chattering]

andy, when's opie gonna stop wearin' that medal he won?

He's about used it all up.

Well, he's pretty proud of it, goob.

And that boy has a right to be, too.

Well, we all got a lot of pleasure

out of the battle of mayberry while it lasted.

Well, goob,

there's no reason why we still shouldn't have pleasure out of it.

I myself here, I've got a little memento

that's been handed down through the generations

in the taylor family.

What do you got there?

Well, now, don't wear it out by lookin' at it too hard,

but gentlemen, that is the cork

that my ancestor, colonel taylor,

pulled from the first jug of white lightnin'

that started the peaceful negotiations of the battle of mayberry.

No kiddin'! Let me see that.

Say, you wouldn't take an arrowhead in exchange for that?

Oh, no, no, no!

After me, this passes down to opie.

[All laughing]

oh, boy, that's...