02x03 - Duvet Family Reunion

[bunniefuu]

[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]

Everybody's gonna be
pumped to see the plate man.

No, they're not, baby.

Oh, here comes the plate man!

Can't have a barbecue without plates!

Uncle George, look at this!

Paper bowls for dips, sides.

Hey, hey! Plate man!

- Hi, Mom.
- Chrissy, you look

- beautiful in purple.
- My baby.

And look at Tim. Don't you look cute.

Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, he knows.
- Hi, David! George!

Aww...

Sam's here.

♪

Who's he with?

Sam, who are you with? Who are you?

Uh, I'm Shannon.

This is Shannon, Tim.

Hi, Shannon. Who are you?

[CLEARS] She's my girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Since when?

Ah, feels like a day,
it's been so much fun.

- How long?
- I don't know.

It's been a blur, it's been so much fun.

- How long?
- It's been a blur.

- How long?
- A month!

A whole friggin' month!

You've had a girlfriend
that you've hid from me

- for a month?
- I know!

Well, technically, babe,

it's about five weeks.

Tim, it's your own friggin' fault, okay?

I... you can be difficult
to introduce new people to.

- Why?
- Why?

[LAUGHS] This guy says "why?"

Because, Tim, you can be a little harsh.

[LAUGHS] Harsh?

Harsh?

Okay, Shannon, how are you?

- Uh...
- You look lovely.

Is that blouse from Ann Taylor?

- No.
- Well, someone should tell

Ann Taylor, because they
have a very similar one.

What are you even
trying to go for with this?

I shop for Chrissy at Ann Taylor.

I'm just saying, I think
they'd be very interested

in knowing that someone's
selling a cheaper version.

How do you know this one's cheaper?

'Cause I shop for Chrissy
at Ann Taylor, idiot!

It could be nicer, dillweed.

It's... not!

Um, nice to meet you, Tim.

I've... heard lots about you.

All good things, I'm sure.

Yeah.

- Let's go say hi to my mom.
- Okay.

- What did you bring, slop?
- No.

Come on, now.

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

[FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC]

Oh, my God, it's Shannon Coyne.

- That's Shannon Coyne.
- You got to be cool.

I'm being cool.

[SHUSHING] Wow, Shannon Coyne.

Oh, we grew up listening to
your family's gospel music.

- Thank you.
- So what's it like

dating a celebrity?

Oh, I don't know, babe. What's it like?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, Sam.

- She's talking about me.
- I know, I was joking.

How do you get up in
front of all those people?

I would be so scared.

You know, actually I have stage fright,

so I get up there

and I close my eyes

and I... ♪ Sing from my heart ♪

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, would you like to take a selfie?

You know who that is?

That's Sam's girlfriend.

Hm.

I know. He hid it from me for a month

because I'm too harsh.

Well, Tim, you can be harsh.

Maybe Sam just want to
build something first

before you bulldozed it.

Bulldozed it?

I have been nothing but lovely
to all Sam's girlfriends.

I was a perfect gentleman
to Dump Truck Debra.

I've been nice to all of them.

Stupid Sarah, Dumb Beth,

Debbie "The Animal" Steel, the Worm.

- Tim.
- I was so nice to the Worm.

Would you listen to yourself?

You're harsh as hell.

Okay, if it's because I'm too harsh,

then how come he kept it a
secret from the whole family.

He didn't tell your parents,

Aunt Lacey, your grandma, you.

Holy sh*t.

You knew.

Oh, my God, you all knew.

The whole family knew, and they lied to me.

They lied to my face!

- Well...
- You're a family of liars!

Big, fake liars!

Liar!

- Hey, girl!
- I love your hair.

♪

Welcome, welcome, one and all

to the Duvet family reunion!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

We got drinks and, of course,

we've got the annual basketball game,

which my team has won six years in a row.

Now listen, over years ago,

I took over the position as
grill master from my father.

Today it gives me great honor

to pass this on to my son,

Samuel!

Have you all met his new girlfriend?

Shannon Coyne!

Yes!

Good looks, personality, and lineage.

Yes, I'm telling you,
she is the total package.

And she's a celebrity.

Come on up here, son.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ah. Thanks, Dad.

You know, this is an honor

I've waited for my entire life.

In fact, when I was , I wrote a speech

I bring with me every reunion.

- Should I read it?
- ALL: Yes!

- Should I read it?
- ALL: Yes!

- Should I read this here speech?
- ALL: Yes!

Well, if you insist. [LAUGHS]

"Friends, Duvets, and guests,

"I am honored to be your grill master.

"It's an achievement I rank up there

with my black belt in tae kwon do"...

Oop, never did that.

Let's see. Oop.

Never did that.

"Quick thank you to Grandpa Charles."

He's dead. Sad.

Uh, didn't do that.

"Marry Mom"?

- [LAUGHS]
- I was , again,

when I wrote this, so...

Still seems kind of old to want to do that.

Really should have looked over
this at some point since then.

Oh, "And never getting in a car"

with a stranger"

'cause stranger danger."

Hmm? Never did that.

So... and you shouldn't,
so that's a good thing.

Kids, learn from it.

Ah, thank you!

Uh, yep.

Thank you very much, son.

[GROANS]

All right.

I hope your bellies are empty

and you're ready for fun,

because the Duvet family reunion

has officially begun!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪

Medium rare for the gentleman.

And for the lady...

- Ooh!
- Well done.

- All right, man.
- Ange, you want a hot dog?

- [CLATTERING]
- [WHOOSH]

Whoo! Now that's a hot dog.

Am I right? Am I right?

Here you go.

You know your dad was
supposed to be pass long

grill master to me.

But, see, I just quit drinking,

and so I got the shakes,

but I'm happier, healthier.

Oh! What you got there, man?

That smell like Crown Royal.

Ladies, may I?

Of course, sweetie. Come on.

No paper bowls, huh?

Just cream corn touching everything?

Oh, we were just talking
about how nice it is

that Sam could meet
himself a gospel singer.

I heard the whole
family sing at Chene Park.

- Beautiful.
- So talented.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah,

but there's really no way to tell.

I mean, it's not like you
can boo a gospel singer.

No, she's... she is so nice.

She's lovely, lovely.

But did anybody taste

the potato salad she brought?

I mean, I don't want to say it's bland,

but I saw a fly land on it,

fly away, come back with some salt.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Tim! You're bad.

Potato salad?
More like "poor" -tato salad.

[LAUGHTER] Yeah.

Look, look, look on the bright side.

At least we know Sam's
gonna lose some weight.

Oh! [LAUGHTER]

Too much she can't lose any weight

in that big ol' head of hers.

- Whoo!
- [LAUGHTER]

She walk by and I
thought it was an eclipse!

[LAUGHTER]

Aunt Lacey! Aunt Lacey's joining!

Let's just hope Sam
likes doing neck rubs,

'cause that neck of
hers is doing some work.

- Yeah.
- [LAUGHTER]

Looking like a lollipop
in knockoff Ann Taylor.

Yes! Yes, it is!

- It's knockoff!
- I know.

[LAUGHTER]

- Hey.
- Hi, Shannon. Hope you're having fun.

[SOFT LAUGHTER]

So, really, I'm happy for Sam.

She truly is a sweet girl.

Yeah, no, she's so sweet.

She's made of sugar. Hope it doesn't rain;

she turns into a [BLEEP] puddle!

Timothy.

- That mouth.
- Mm-mm-mm.

We were having fun,
but that's carrying it

a little too far.

I wasn't having fun.

Enjoy your meals all mushed together.

Sam. Congratulations on becoming

grill master.

Go ahead with your insult, Chrissy.

- I don't have an insult.
- Why? Too dumb?

- I'm just surprised.
- Damn it.

You're brave enough to
take on this responsibility

after you quit Dad's restaurant.

I was .

Nobody even cares about that anymore.

Daddy cares.

You quit the waffle
station right in the middle

of Mothers' Day brunch.

People just pouring syrup on waffle batter.

- So sad.
- Dog food over there, Chrissy.

Why don't you go eat up? Hey!

Hurry it up up there!

Whoo, you call this well-done?

I took a bite out of it; it said,

"Ouch, you hurting me!"

[LAUGHING]

She said it talked! [LAUGHS]

Hey! Hey, you kids!

Don't go wandering off in them woods.

Might mess around and get snatched up

by the Fork Bandit!

Y'all don't know who the Fork Bandit is?

They don't know who the Fork Bandit is.

He was a kid, just like you.

He wandered off from a barbecue,

couldn't find his family,

and now he's a dusty crackhead
with nothing but a fork!

Anytime today, Sam.

It's gonna be just a slight delay.

Sam gotta speed up.

This long line's driving me to drink.

Driving me to drink.

Hey, come on, now. Look here.

This is a brand-new grill master.

We gotta give him a chance to find his way.

Flip six, son.

- Uh, yeah.
- In a little while,

he's gonna be out-grilling us all,

providing he don't quit. [LAUGHS]

I'm not going to quit, Dad.

You're not again, because
now you are a grown man,

and this is a responsibility. [CHUCKLES]

Son, get rid of eight and nine.

They done.

- Hey, grill master.
- Hey, baby.

Mwah. Babe, look at us.

I mean, me impressing your family,

you're grill master.

We're the hits of this party, babe.

Yep, everybody loves us and
is happy with our performance.

That they are, and that they do.

- Give it to me.
- BOTH: Mwah.

Hey, Shannon. Can I get a picture?

I have something better for you.

♪ Leave a message ♪

♪ God is good ♪

Whoo! [LAUGHS]

For when they call.

Hey, guys!

There's paper bowls here.

New this year.

Good for dip, sides, whatever.

Look kind of fun. Try 'em out.

No bowl, sweetie?

No bowls.

- Who's this?
- My friend from school, Evan.

- How you doing, Evan?
- Tim Cramblin. Cramblin Advertising.

- You want to hear a joke?
- No, I don't.

I just don't think a little kid's joke

is ever going to make
me, an adult man, laugh.

Thanks, though. Just don't
have the life experience.

- Thank you.
- Hey, Uncle Tim?

Yes, sweetie?

Sometimes I think things

but I don't say them out loud,

'cause then people hear them

and they might hurt their feelings.

♪

Oh, my God.

I am harsh.

I'm harsh!

Thank you.

Ooh. [LAUGHS]

It's okay, son. I got this.

Don't worry about a thing.

Ah, Sam.

You got divorced.

You're not in the family anymore.

You got to give up that shirt.

Chrissy.

I am so sorry I called
your family pig-faced liars.

Mm, thank you, baby.

And I'm sorry I said
[BLEEP] in front of your mom.

- You did?
- Yeah.

And Aunt Lacey and Old Shirley.

But I'm not that person anymore.

I am harsh.

I realize that now.

It took a weird little kid with
a shitty joke I never heard,

but I'm gonna be a better man.

I love you so much.

- Mm.
- I love you too, baby.

Hey, girl! I like that hat.

Have fun, everybody.

Oh, and Sam?

Take it easy on your daddy.

I need him in tip-top shape today.

Oh! Gross! Mom!

Hey, be happy for me.

I'm gonna let you take it out first.

'Cause you're gonna need
all the help you can get.

Let's ball.

What you got, Sam?

What you got, bro?

What you got? What you got? What you got?

Money!

- David!
- [LAUGHTER]

Look here, Sam. Now, look.

When you're guarding somebody,
you got to bend your knees

and put your hands in the air.

I know how to play defense, Dad.

Really? Then how come you
let me bust this in your face?

- Whoo!
- Yes!

- Sam, bounce pass.
- Coming your way, baby.

You don't call the kind
of pass you're gonna do

before you do it.

I'm just having fun
playing with you, buddy.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ball game!

David!

Kick it! Kick it!

Kick it!

Wait a minute. Reset, reset, reset!

I wasn't ready. Come on.

Kick it! Kick it! Kick it!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Pass it, Sam. It's out or your range.

No, it's not. Here comes fade away.

Short.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Why don't you quit while you're behind?

I know you know a little
thing about quitting.

I gave this boy a job, and then
you know what he did, George?

Don't tell me he quit.

On Mothers' Day brunch!

That was years ago.

Oh, look ya. You're hot and bothered.

- Just talking trash, baby.
- Don't listen to him, Sam.

- Dunk on him!
- I can't dunk.

Can't grill neither.

Why don't have another
handle of whiskey,

you drunk old bitch?

Whoa.

Hey, Samuel.

An insult is just...

"Is just a." You know what?

I don't care. I friggin' quit.

- Oh, damn.
- Damn.

Whoa. What the...

That was a little harsh.

And I know, because I
used to be harsh myself.

But I'm not anymore.

I'll go talk to him, g*ng.

Good game, everybody.

That's fun.

♪

Hey, buddy.

I wanna let you know
we're forfeiting the game.

We lost 'cause you kicked the ball.

Yeah.

Your dad was being an assh*le.

I know, like, he can't just
ever let anything just be.

He never just, like, let me do my thing.

Like, uh... I mean, I own
my own frickin' company.

No, we both own it.

Yeah, Tim, I mean, but
for my point, can you just...

- Yeah, no, just... both own it.
- Yeah, we both own it.

- I know.
- Thank you.

I mean, like, years ago, you know,

I'm behind the waffle iron,

and, like, he's just,
like, right behind me,

like, "Waffle's overcooked, Sam."

Waffle's overcooked, Sam."

I mean, I just can't focus.

So I finally am just like, you
know, I walked out of there.

I just, like, left, and
then, like, before I left,

like, I turned my back
and, like, I looked back,

I was like, "Happy
Mothers' Day, you mothers."

Did you really say that?

I wish I did so much.

I think your dad's just hard on you,

because he knows you can do anything.

Anything.

I can't dunk, Tim.

I think you can, Sam.

♪ If you're going to love me ♪

- Dad.
- Samuel.

Sorry I kicked the basketball.

Ah, it's okay. [CHUCKLES]

It's just that Duvet family passion.

Makes for us to be great lovers.

I know.

You know, son,

when I give you advice...

Or anybody for that matter...

It's just because I know how to do things,

the best.

Yeah, Dad, just
everything doesn't have to be

a teachable moment.

You know, you really
shouldn't have called

your uncle George an old drunk bitch.

No, I know that.

You know, I know a lot of things.

In fact, some things you didn't
teach me, believe it or not.

Yeah, well, whether I
taught you or not, I know 'em.

That's not the point.

Test me, if you don't believe me.

- I bet I know it.
- Dad.

- Go ahead, test me.
- I bet you I know it.

- Dad.
- [LAUGHS]

You know, son, you're gonna
be a great grill master.

- I know I am.
- Just not this year.

Yeah, I know, that's fair.

[MEAT SIZZLING]

Tim.

Hey, so...

I know we didn't get a lot
of time to talk earlier,

and I hate how we got
off on the wrong foot,

but are you talking sh*t behind my back?

No.

Why, who said that?

Was it Aunt Lacey?

I may have said that a fly
landed on your potato salad

and the fly complained it was bland.

Then he flew away, got some salt,

used the salt on the potato salad,

so it tasted good to him.

But I now realize that...

although the joke was very
clever, it was also harsh.

Yeah.

And I want to start fresh. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry Sam didn't
introduce me to you sooner.

I guess he knew how intimidated
I would be to meet you

because you're so important
to him, so it's cool.

Sweet of you to say, but
I'm pretty sure it's 'cause

he knew I was gonna be
a big, giant assh*le.

[LAUGHS] You're probably right.

Yes, I am right.

- Friends?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- [CHUCKLES]

Whoo! I'm doing work out there.

Hey! Now, that's a
Duvet filet right there.

It's all yours, Dad.

[EAGLE SCREECHING]

[DRAMATIC PERCUSSION]

♪

[IN SLOW-MOTION] Fork Bandit!

♪

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

- Hey!
- That crackhead stole my filet!

I'll be god-damned.

I thought I made that sh*t up.

Whoopsie-daisy.

That ain't apple juice;
that's Hennessy right there.

Taste pretty good though.

- You see that?
- You see his abs?

Yeah, I mean, you only get
abs like that if you do cr*ck.

Yeah, 'cause you're always running,

trying to get the cr*ck.

Yep, running, jumping,
swimming, climbing.

I mean, it's all cardio.

- Yeah, 'cause you gotta get the cr*ck.
- It's the whole goal.

- It's their brass ring, baby.
- It's the main thing.

- It's cr*ck.
- BOTH: It's cr*ck.

We're all thinking the same thing.

In a way it's admirable,
you know what I mean?

- Sure.
- It's like dedication

- to one thing.
- Sure, man.

You look good too.

You look good. Name me one fat crackhead.

- Lou Dobbs.
- Yeah, that's one.

- Lou Dobbs is a fat crackhead.
- That's the one.

I want to thank y'all for coming

to another good Duvet family reunion!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And I want to take this time
to acknowledge my son, Samuel,

in his inaugural shift as the

new Duvet grill master!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

It is a job that I am confident

that he will grow into.

And, son, I just want you to know...

I'm proud of you.

And the man you've become.

I am too.

Proud of you.

And the man you've become.

Same as your dad.

- Yeah.
- ♪ For ♪

♪ He's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

The best.

♪ More than you ♪

♪ It is ♪

♪ More than me ♪

Whoa.

♪ We are family, like a giant tree ♪

I'm not harsh anymore,

but getting up there and
signing, that's a nuts move.

♪ We are family ♪

♪ We are so much more ♪

♪ Than just you and I ♪

ALL: ♪ We are a family ♪

♪ Like a giant tree ♪

♪ Growing stronger, growing wiser ♪

ALL: ♪ We are a family ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Whoo!

There's only one thing left to say:

Let's hustle!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Money!

Ah! Cash!

Marked price!

Cash! Money!

Microwave! Cash!

Three! Money!

David!

Ball game!