02x06 - Mort Crim

[bunniefuu]

[MOTOWN MUSIC]

Commercial idea. Ready for this?

Meat: cook that sh*t or
your ass gonna get sick.

Ah, that's pretty good, Ned.

Ah-ah-ah, this one gonna
twist your drawers up.

Ready for this? Onion rings: French fries

with p*ssy holes.

- Whoa.
- Hold on, guys.

Need you to sign in, man.

Sir, I need you to sign in. Sir?

Sir. Sir!

Aren't you going to stop him?

All I can do is three "sirs."

He looked all right, though. Glasses...

- Yeah, it's fine.
- All right, cool.

Christmas, right?

Actually, Ned, we gotta go.

We're gonna miss "Chump of the Week."

Oh, love "Chump of the Week," man.

You think he might do the one about my man

who got the kangaroo in his apartment?

No, that was last week's chump.

They don't repeat. Come
on, Tim, we gotta go.

And now it's time for Mort Crim's

"Chump of the Week."

- Just in time.
- Shh.

You know who pissed me off?

Dale Stern, the principal
of Diana Lewis Elementary,

who permanently
cancelled pizza Fridays.

Now, if pizza's not healthy,

how come I've never
seen a fat Italian?

You, sir, are a pepperoni.

And you are my "Chump of the Week."

[LAUGHS] Chump.

Good luck getting an omelet in this town

without a pube in it.

Yeah, yeah, more like,

good luck trying to get
a pepperoni in this town

without a pube in it.

How's that better?

Good night, Detroit.

I'm Mort Crim, and
that's all the news

from the entire world.

Dude, well, then you date her.

Listen, bro, she made chicken

in front of a chicken.

The chicken was looking
at me like I was crazy.

I'm like, fam, I don't
know what to tell you.

So, now I got the chicken in my house

and now I can't eat chicken... Oh, yo!

It's the kangaroo man.

Yo, sir, what's in the
pouch? Can I fight it?

I'll b*at the sh*t out of this kangaroo.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

Like I said, man, I just keep seeing it.

There was like, five or six of 'em,

all women, all big as hell,

big ass backs, big ass titties, too.

They all had the same
scorpion tattoo on their neck.

They was like, "Who do you work for?

Who do you work for?"

I'm looking like, "The g*dd*mn U.S. of A."

And they was like, "Oh!"

And then one of 'em grabbed my...

Whoa, what happened, Ned?

[SIGHS] I left the door open last night

and somebody snuck in here and robbed us.

I was at home.

Oh, crap, my leather jacket!

- We were robbed.
- My jacket.

They took the copy
machine and all the paper.

They didn't take my jacket.

They took my laptop.

Look, it could have been a lot worse.

All right? It's just a laptop.

They took her laptop but
not my beautiful jacket?

This robber's a dork.

They stole my work Scotch.

Sheila, we can get you new Scotch, okay?

The important thing is
that nobody was hurt.

Sam, they stole your top hat.

With the holly?

What is wrong with this city?

Maybe they didn't see the jacket.

Yeah, but they definitely
would have smelled it.

It's brand new. It stinks.

That's true. It stinks bad in here.

It certainly does. It certainly does.

So, what we were thinking
was, we open the showroom

of Garner Weich Furniture, you know,

see chairs, we see sofas.

Then we land on the two of you

sitting in a loveseat,
talking directly to camera.

Oh, no, we don't want
to be in the commercial.

Oh, really?

We think you guys would be great.

We're afraid people will recognize us

from our user-submitted p*rn video.

Pardon me real quick, I have
to check my email privately.

Uh, okay.

Well, in that case,

we hire a spokesperson.

Oh, what kind of spokesperson?

Could be a sports
figure, a character actor.

I guess the question is,

who do you want representing your company?

[CHUCKLES] Seriously?

We would like someone with integrity,

someone that people can trust,

someone with gravitas.

Could it be an animal?

Uh, yeah, that'd be great,

but we're not allowed to
work with animals anymore.

What happened?

We glued two bugs together
for an exterminator commercial.

Why?

To make it look like they were kissing.

And Mort Crim doesn't usually comment

on commercials, but he
called it a "bummer."

Hey, what about Mort Crim?

- Oh.
- He called it a bummer.

The words just came out of my mouth.

No, no, what about Mort
Crim for the commercial?

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHING] That's...

[LAUGHING] Eat sh*t.

[LAUGHING] Yeah, Mort Crim?

You don't like him?

No, we love him.

It's just, you're not gonna get him.

He's freaking Mort Crim.

Yeah, I mean, if you're Nike,

but it's not gonna happen.

- It's impossible.
- Hey.

If you would've told me that someday

I would be married to this incredible woman

and live in the nicest
house in Bloomfield Hills

and have these muscles,

I wouldn't have believed you.

In my experience, gentlemen,

anything is possible.

- [MUMBLES]
- Yeah. You know what?

- We'll try.
- We believe in you.

- Oh, cool, that should help.
- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah, thank you so much.
- Great.

Thanks for coming down. Appreciate it.

- Absolute pleasure.
- Drive safe driving home.

[DOOR CLOSES]

She stomps on his balls.

- [EXHALES]
- He's a naughty boy,

and she stomps on his balls.

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

- Let me see it.
- Yeah, here you go.

- No!
- Ooh!

- Bad boy!
- Ooh.

Tim, that jacket stinks like sh*t.

Yeah, well, I'm wearing
it, so deal with it.

I'm going to meet Mort Crim.

You can't lock a g*dd*mn door?

These criminal masterminds
didn't break a window.

They didn't scale a wall.

They walked in an unlocked door.

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- I am so sorry, ma'am.

Ma'am?

Oh. Do I look like your momma?

Do I look like the one who held your head

in the bathtub till all
the brain cells disappeared?

I ain't your momma.

Wanda? It's really not that big of a deal.

We just lost a top hat and a printer.

Well, not just a top hat, assh*le.

It had a sprig of holly in it.

Well, I thank you for your input, sirs.

Have a wonderful and safe day.

We at Emperor Security value
your input and your things.

Thank you so much. And take it easy on Ned.

He's the nicest security guard.

Well, thank you. That's wonderful to hear.

Yeah, great.

[CHUCKLES]

They love you, huh?

Aren't you Mr. Popular?

Oh. Oh, you're Joe Cool.

You're Snoopy with the sunglasses.

You screw up one more g*dd*mn time,

and you'll be back-checking
hand stamps at Chuck E. Cheese.

♪ I got to get myself
together baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Get myself together ♪

♪

Uh, two beers, please.

Say, word has it that
Mort Crim plays pool here.

Is that true? He wouldn't happen to be here

now, would he?

[BILLIARD BALLS SCATTER]

[BOB SEGER'S "HOLLYWOOD NIGHTS"]

♪

♪ In those Hollywood hills ♪

♪ In those Hollywood hills ♪

♪ She was looking so right ♪

♪ In her diamonds and frills ♪

♪ Oh those big city nights ♪

Better luck next time, Laredo.

Class dismissed.

Yeah, Rachel, another double ginger ale

with a splash of cranberry juice.

Hi, Mr. Crim.

I'm Sam Duvet.

I know who you are.
We're friends on Facebook.

Whoa, you... you memorized
all your Facebook friends?

Well, I wouldn't be a
very good friend if I didn't.

- Yeah.
- Well... well... ha.

Since we're friends, I
don't mind telling you

I never miss a "Chump of the Week."

They ever considered
going "Chump of the Day"?

Well, the suits would
like me to do it every hour,

but, you know, what makes it special

is the fact that it's once a week.

It's anticipation.

It's like flirting is
sometimes more fun than sex.

Yeah.

I like the sex, though.

I like soup, too, son,

but I just enjoy heating it up first.

- Oh.
- [LAUGHING]

BOTH: Ho, ho!

- Man.
- Yes.

Mort, can we buy you a drink?

Yeah, you sure can. And food too.

- Yeah...
- Yeah, by all means.

- Yeah, we can also order food.
- We'll all just...

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we'll just have

a big ol' supper, all of us.

[MOTOWN MUSIC]

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

So I swear to God, I say to Marvin Gaye,

"What's going on?"

And it's like a lightning bolt hit,

and he says, "Mort",

you know I already did
an album with that name."

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Mort, I hope it's not crossing a line,

but... we run a small ad firm

and we'd love for you to
come and be the spokesperson

for Garner Weich Furniture.

We know it's just a local commercial,

but when we think of a
name that people trust,

only one comes to mind.

A man who taught us about the world.

The man who picks us up on our worst days

and cheers us on in our best.

The man we rely on.

Mort Crim.

So, what's the commercial about?

Oh, it's... it's great.

You point to a pull-out couch and you say,

"Come on down to Garner Weich Furniture,

where we don't sleep on savings."

No, no, no, no. I mean,
what's the big idea?

Why... why do this commercial now?

- Uh... yeah.
- Sell... sell furniture.

No, no, no. I mean, the commercial's got to

speak to what people really care about.

Now, what do you do on a sofa?

You watch TV, you read to the kids,

you pay some bills.

But it's a place where
you think about the things

that really matter to you:
the economy, health insurance,

!sis, North Korea. It's not a sofa.

It's Plymouth Rock.

You want to sell furniture,
you go get Guy Gordon.

You want Mort Crim, you
better be ready to get real.

Well, sir, we're ready to get real.

- Yes.
- All right, now,

let's get down to brass tacks.

Who sh*t in his pants?

- It's Tim's jacket.
- Shut up.

It stinks.

Should we say "sturdy" or "dependable"?

Like, which one sounds more like Mort?

I think he would say
"sturdy" and "dependable."

"Sturdy and dependable." That's perfect.

That sounds just like Mort.

Father in the picture?

- Good, good.
- Hey, Mort.

Hey, guys, this script is fantastic.

Oh. Right here,

where it says "sturdy," you mind if I say

"sturdy and dependable"?

Ha. Go right ahead, Mort.

I mean, you really captured my voice.

It's like I wrote it myself.

Might want to do a few changes on the fly.

- Oh, no problem, absolutely.
- Mm-hmm.

We are all set. Are you ready, Mr. Crim?

Well, no, but that's never stopped me.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHS]

Come on.

- Lay off the gas, man.
- Shut up, Tim.

Mort cares.

Here we go.

And... action.

Hi, I'm Mort Crim.

I'd like to talk to you
about Garner Weich Furniture.

It's sturdy and dependable

and oh, so fluffy.

We here at Garner Weich
understand the importance

of comfort in an uncomfortable world.

The economy in shambles.

Unemployment at an all-time high.

And the chilling reality

that we're living every moment

in the bloodthirsty crosshairs of !sis.

- What?
- Folks, I won't sugarcoat it.

!sis won't stop until every last one of us

is pink mist in the wind.

Cut.

That's not in the script.

Yeah, we'll get him back on track.

Yeah, no worries.

That felt good.

Yeah, it was great.

Absolutely perfect.

The one note is,

maybe on this one, don't do the !sis stuff.

I'm giving you gold.

Don't make me shovel crap.

- Yep.
- Yeah, we... we won't.

Did you tell him?

Yeah, we gave him the note.

So, he's going to stick to the script?

He's gonna talk about !sis. And action.

!sis, let's settle this
thing once and for all.

You choose your best man,
send him here to Garner Weich

to fight me, Mort Crim.

Winner take all. You win, America's yours.

I win, you give democracy
a good old college try.

Plus, there's a cash prize.

, to the winner.

K, take home, tax-free,

put up by my good friends at Garner Weich.

Cut.

Print that one.

[UPBEAT MOTOWN MUSIC]

♪

Whoa, whoa, sir... Ah, ah, ah.

My man, get your big ass
over there and sign in.

Before I get up there and
pop your head like a pimple.

- Pop.
- You can't touch me.

You can only say "sir" three times.

[LAUGHS]

New day, fat ass.

New Ned, too.

New balls on this new
Ned are bigger, stronger.

I'm geared up.

Pepper spray, handcuffs,
big-ass flashlight,

rubber g*n.

Don't tell nobody my g*n rubber, neither.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sign in.

- What?
- Since when?

Since I let a robber come in
here and make a fool out of me.

All right, well, why
don't you just close the door

properly when you leave?

It's not about the door, Sam!

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

- What's up?
- [SIGHS]

Wanda was going crazy on me,

talking about f*ring me,

sending me back to Chuck E. Cheese.

I'm not going back to Chuck E. Cheese.

The guy wore his real jeans.

- What...?
- Like, his real jeans

from home. Like, jeans, a shirt,

big-ass Chuck E. Cheese head.

- Son of a bitch.
- I can't take that, man.

Yeah, yeah, no, I know. I'll tell Sam.

- Yeah, tell Sam.
- Yeah, I will, I will.

Toby, no sunglasses in the building, man.

Take 'em off or I'll whoop your ass.

Just sunglasses, man.

Well, then, just take 'em off

your big, Frankenstein-ass head.

Okay, Ned. I'll take off the sunglasses.

I know you will.

Because I am not going
back to Chuck E. Cheese.

People always ask
how Garner Weich Furniture

keeps its prices so low.

Oh, I hope Mort's okay
with the edits we had to make.

He'll be fine. He's a pro.

He knows, at the end of the day

it's all about pleasing the client...

What's our secret?

Detroit newscasting
legend Mort Crim.

Hi, I'm Mort Crim, and I guarantee

- I will k*ll...
- Prices.

- I will slash... in half.
- Prices.

- I'm gonna smoke...
- Prices.

Out of their hiding places,
and rip...

- Prices.
- Apart with my bare hands.

- This watermelon is...
- Prices.

- Prices.
- You just bought yourself

a one-way ticket to hell.

- Huh?
- Actually not bad.

- Pretty good.
- Yeah.

Garner Weich Furniture. We hate high...

- Prices.
- Pretty good.

Well, son of a butcher.

Normally I don't comment
on the commercials,

but that's not what I said.

It just sucks being tricked.

Oh.

Moving on, a sinkhole
in Clinton Township caused a...

You know what?

I'm gonna do something
I usually reserve

for the end of the show.

But I'm doing it now.
Queue it, Donnie.

And now it's time for... _

- Oh, no.
- Oh, God, please don't do it.

Sam Duvet and Tim Cramblin,

local businessmen and liars,

are my "Chumps of the Week."

And that's that.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[MELLOW MOTOWN MUSIC]

Morning, chumps.

- You're fired.
- Sam...

Oh, whatever.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I'm "Chump of the Week."

I wish I was dead.

I wish I was somebody
else. Not you, though.

You're "Chump of the Week" also.

- Yeah, man, I know that.
- Mm.

I told Chrissy. She didn't give a crap.

Oh, she's a Philistine.
An uneducated idiot.

Tommy!

Uh-uh. Clean that up right now.

But you guys are "Chumps of the Week."

Clean it!

The hell he thought he was doing?

We just gotta wait the week out.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- What?

Mort Crim unfriended me from Facebook.

f*ck!

- Good morning, chumps.
- [BOTH GROAN]

You received many boxes of diarrhea

this morning in the mail.

Ugh, boxes of diarrhea?

I used to be the one sending diarrhea

to "Chumps of the Week."
I'm the one getting them?

I hate that it's us but
I-I respect these people's passion.

Yeah.

Tommy!

Let's go, building closed.

Berenstain Bear, Mary J. Blige, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cornbread.

What did I tell you
about wearing sunglasses

in my building, man?

- Not to wear 'em.
- What are you doing?

- I'm leaving.
- Not with these.

You don't get your big,
Jon Arbuckle-looking ass

out of here, now, move!

Hey, Toby, man, why you always the last one

in my building, man?

- I work late.
- "I work late."

Take your fat ass home,
man. What's wrong with you?

You got a smart-ass mouth, you know that?

I refuse to go back to Chuck E. Cheese.

The mouse wears real jeans!

[ROUSING MUSIC]

It's even more incredible
than I've ever imagined.

In... credible.

[LAUGHS] There's Mort.

♪

That's all right, guys.
I know these fellas.

Hey, Mort.

Mort, we feel just awful about that ad.

- You should.
- We came here to tell you

we are gonna air the
version of the commercial

where you thr*aten !sis.

It actually tested very well.

That's great of you
fellas to come down here,

but I can't take back "Chump of the Week."

- [SIGHS]
- I didn't do it for Rasheed Wallace.

I can't do it for you.
I hope you understand.

[SIGHS] We understand.

Did you guys get your
boxes filled with crap?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES] God, I love this town.

Excuse me, guys, I gotta go do the news.

- Whoa.
- We always thought

you were sitting.

Welcome to the magic of television.

[LIVELY MUSIC]

♪

[ENGINE REVS]

♪

_

Good evening, Detroit. I'm Mort Crim.

A wedding party in
Southfield turned ugly today

when a bunch of ugly people showed up.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[TENSE SYNTH MUSIC]

♪

Got your ass now.

Time to make the doughnuts.

♪

Got your ass now, punk!

Mm-hmm, I'm about to squeeze
a charley horse out your ass.

[g*n SQUEAKING]

Okay, wait, the g*n is real.

The floor must be rubber.
I don't know what's...

[BOTH SCREAMING, GRUNTING]

Oh, sh*t. Aah!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Uh-huh, your ass ain't going nowhere.

[LAUGHS]

Aah!

[GRUNTING]

Don't want to tire yourself out.

- Aah!
- [BOTH GRUNTING]

[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING]

[CHUCKLES] You think
I didn't call for backup?

Time to see who your
ass is once and for all.

Oh, my God.

I've never seen you before in my life.

And now it's time for... _

You know who pissed me off?

My Facebook friend Mark Saganuti.

When somebody famous dies,
don't just post a story

about a time you met them.

So, Mark, you are my
"Chump of the Week,"

Ha, chump.

I hate it when Mark does that.

I know him, too.

Oh, I'm Facebook friends again with Mort.

- Oh, that's great.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, I got you something, buddy.

Quintin.

- [GASPS]
- I know it's not

the same one you were
Snowcoming King in, but...

Oh, I was king of the dance
and everyone twirled around me.

- Oh, thank you, buddy.
- Yeah.

And no holly.

I mean, but it's fine. It's
the thought that counts.

- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

It's not that hard to find holly.

- But it's fine.
- Yeah.

Here's your beers, you guys.

Cheers, buddy.

- Cheers, buddy.
- I love ya.

Love you.

Final appeal, pal, please lose that jacket.

It stinks to high heaven.

Yeah, you know, I have thought about it,

it does stink, but it's leather.

It's a process. And it looks cool on me,

so it's not going anywhere.

- Hey.
- [LAUGHS]

Twinsies. Same jacket, I...

This is not my jacket.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Bye, nerd! Keep walking.

Keep walking, nerd. Bye!

Thank you. Cool.

I won't wear the jacket anymore.

Good night, Detroit,

for now until the sun comes up.