02x08 - Hark Motors

[bunniefuu]

♪ I got to get myself together, baby ♪

That was a great business lunch.

You all full, Kathy?

I guess.

I'm so full, I could barf a horse.

It was a pretty good meal, then.

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

Judy Thompson?

Judy Thompson, VP of
Marketing, Quicken Loans?

We didn't know you were here.

You could've sat with us cool guys.

- Yeah.
- Hi, guys.

You know Ryan Lepchek of Doner Advertising?

What's up, guys?

Yes, unfortunately.

[OBNOXIOUS LAUGH]

This is our client Kathy
from Sidewall Windows.

We're just discussing a new
flyer we're making for her.

Very cool. Quicken Loans is
doing a new national campaign.

They're not sure who they're
going with yet, but, uh, wink wink.

- We'll do it.
- Yeah, we're in, half price.

- No, fellas.
- Yeah guys, it's not...

Uh, uh, Rocket Mortgage, pocket porgages.

It's a little pocket for porgages.

Rocket Mortgages,
uh, fast like a rocket.

Introducing your new
spokesperson, the Flash.

It's not about speed and more
about how our simple process

helps you understand everything
so you can be confident.

Okay, with all due respect,

who is more confident
than the Flash, I wonder?

Yeah, he's literally the
fastest man alive, so...

Oh, guys, I'm sorry to cut this short.

This is my car.

- Cool.
- Nice.

- Stupid.
- Kathy, pleasure to meet you.

Doner Advertising.

Sucks.

Frickin' Doner.

Don't say "boner" in front of a kid.

He didn't say "boner,"
idiot. He said "Doner."

Stay out of it, dickweed.

You're not the one who said "boner."

- I will say it.
- Don't you f*cking do it.

I will! Hey, buddy.

Boner!

- Oh...
- Oh, yeah.

sh*t!

Freakin' husband's a psycho.

You're a psycho... This isn't my husband.

This is my son.

Ha-ha.

Come on, let's friggin' go.

Here, Kathy, why don't you hop in?

Hold on to the rope
this time so you don't go

flying all over the place, okay?

Oops, sorry, here you go.

Yeah.

[CAR BEEPING]

You're gonna go to jail one day.

That's a promise.

Ouch!

I said hold on to the rope!

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit City ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

I never said I saw Big Bird.

I said I saw the kind of bird Big Bird is.

Yeah, well, I've seen that.

Yeah, I know, everyone has, I know that.

Two more criminals
were brutally apprehended

by a masked vigilante
police are calling

"Nerd Batman," due to his glasses.

I'm Mort Crim,

which in French means
death and crime.

I lost pounds.

I lost pounds.

I've lost so much weight,

I need a whole new wardrobe.

♪ Medicinal Weight Loss ♪

I founded Medicinal Weight Loss
to help people

achieve their dream bodies.

I guess some dreams can come true.

♪ Medicinal Weight Loss,
the shape of you is new ♪

Dr. Mayflower made another ad

without us?

♪

Who the hell made it for him?

Doner made it, brah-brah.

Doner? You left us for Doner?

This Lepchek guy said he can

increase my business by %.

Un-freaking-believable.

Said a guy like me should own a boat.

I don't have a boat. I want a boat.

I told you you could
borrow our pontoon boat

anytime you want, just
not during Jobbie Nooner.

But that's when I'ma need it.

It's a boat party.

For less money,

Lepchek did my commercial good.

Oh, our commercial was good.

Yeah, the guy said his kid
didn't recognize him anymore,

and daddy wasn't funny
since he lost the weight.

I mean, for the record,

we didn't ask him to say any of that.

But you still put it in the commercial.

Yeah, 'cause if we didn't put that in,

we wouldn't have had enough stuff.

Guys, the new commercial's great,

it's bringing in business,

and it actually lists
my correct phone number

on the screen.

Lepchek.

[GROANS]

[AGGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC]

♪

May I help you?

Yes, please take this down.

Congratulations... congratulations.

You've awoken the beast,

and now the beast is gonna bite ya back.

And who is this message for?

Ryan Lepchek.

You can go ahead and just
spray paint it on his desk

and trash his entire office, please.

Dani, that won't be necessary.

- I wasn't gonna do it anyway.
- Hmm.

Ryan Lepchek, you tall, fat drink of crap.

You stole our client, man.

Can you be more specific?

Dr. Mayflower, oh, my God.

- You have General Mills.
- Mm-hmm.

You have Chrysler.

They're great.

Don't come to our toilet,

reach in, and pull out our sh*t!

Dr. Mayflower was our sh*t.

Guys, this is how advertising works.

We steal each other's clients.

Okay, uh, it's like this.

Guy steals second base,
right? He's not cheating.

He's just trying to win the game.

Well, statistically speaking,

it's stupid to try and steal second base.

- I mean, moneyball.
- It's basic moneyball.

Okay, look, if it
makes you feel any better,

it's nothing personal, okay?

We offered them a discount because

we needed some
bottom-of-the-barrel clients

for our summer interns to train on, okay?

That does not make me
feel any better, okay?

Look, our clients are our family.

Thank you for coming
in, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Oh, thank you so much for the cookies.

Our pleasure, Tyler.

Thank you for being so
polite and professional.

Irv and Doris Smith!

Tim. Sam.

It was just a meeting.

They invited us.

We will talk about it later.

Go wait in the car.

We drove here.

Go wait in our car.

All right, game on, my friend.

Game on.

Now we come after your clients.

See...

now that we know how the game is played,

we're gonna play that game ourselves.

[CHUCKLES]

And I'ma let you know something.

We play for keeps.

Okay.

Well, guys, if you think
you win by playing the game,

then you've already lost, so...

- Freakin' hell.
- Holy f*cking sh*t.

That was a knockout blow and he just left.

Yeah, he walks away 'cause he knew it.

- He knew that it was a knockout.
- He knew it.

- Okay, let's go.
- Oh, that was devastating.

[BASS MUSIC]

♪

- This feels a little beneath us.
- Yeah, totally.

But here comes somebody. Let's do this!

- Excuse me.
- Excuse us.

Excuse me, ma'am?

You look like you're looking for

two of the best admen in town.

Yeah, uh, we represent a small firm

that's not so small in talent... rude.

Gosh.

- Rude.
- It's all good.

Ah, may we have a moment of your time?

Yes, and if you're looking for a firm

that values people more
than the bottom line...

- Not interested.
- Ah... okay.

Wow. Okay.

- Wow.
- My God.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, what's up, dudes?

Hey, you heading into Doner?

- Ah, yes, we are.
- Ah, too bad.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, it's just I heard you can get

better service and a lower price

at a place called Cramblin Duvet.

Cramblin Duvet.

Thanks for the tip, but I think we're good.

Ah, Doner sucks, sir.

Uh, seems like you suck.

- Do I suck?
- No, man, no.

It's just, he came up with it so fast.

Like, it was so quick.

You don't suck at all.

Thanks, bud.

- Get out of here!
- Hey!

Why did you kick me out?
I'm a client of Doner.

We hate our clients here at Doner!

You bring your ass back around here,

I'ma whup your ass for no reason.

Hey, you shouldn't have
to be treated like that.

Yeah, we run Cramblin Duvet,

and we always treat
our clients with respect

and never have our security guard

kick them out for no reason.

Well, you don't know what he did.

Doesn't matter what he did.

What'd he do?

Uh, I think the point is that he...

Wasn't doing anything,

and he kicked him out

for no reason because the company is bad.

No reason?

The man cut his d*ck off in the break room!

Too far.

- Too far, Ned.
- Ned, that is unbelievable.

People, there's a microwave
in there that people eat...

Be careful, there's d*ck blood everywhere.

W-watch your feet, you got on dress shoes.

Have a good day.

All right, well, get back to work, Tommy.

Thanks, Ned.

- You guys need me, let me know.
- Yep.

Hey, it's the suck twins.

How's the sucking business?

You're the one who sucks!

Ohh, sh*t!

My dude!

My dude!

Burn, assh*le!

♪

Ahh!

Oh! My! God!

Oh, my God, you hit my
friend, you friggin' psycho!

I'm so sorry. I feel like I had stopped.

No, you wasn't.

You were still coming back like an idiot.

I'm huwt!

He just came out of nowhere.

Yeah, tell that to your cellmate, man.

My head huwts.

Shh, come on... Why are
you talking like that?

[BOTH GIGGLE]

C-come closer.

I think these might be
his last words, maybe.

[GROANS]

On a scale of one to ten,

how happy are you with
the service at Doner?

What?

I think he said, on a scale of one to ten,

how happy are you with
your service over at Doner?

I don't get any service, I work there.

Work there? God damn it.

What kind of scam is this?

I wasted, like, ten blood capsules on you.

I keep on swallowing them.

Don't waste people's time, sir.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Don't just eat the blood capsules.

Are you just swallowing 'em?

- Yeah.
- I use these all the time.

Mr. Hark, you have designed some of

the greatest American
cars in the last years.

So you creating your own car company

is massive news, and we here at Doner...

Mr. Lepchek?

Yes, Dani?

I am so sorry,

but those men are still here.

[SIGHS]

It's a couple
of low-level ad guys

trying to steal our clients.

Um, it's fine as long as
they're not harassing anyone.

They're saying this is Boner Advertising

and they're not looking for clients.

- Boom!
- sh*t. Mr. Hark.

This place is boner.

Sir? Mr. Hark?

- So close to boner!
- Hello, Boner?

[BOTH CACKLING]

All right, next time, let's
just not wait for them to respond.

Let's just shove them in the car.

Yeah, maybe we say we work
for free, 'cause, I mean,

- it's not about the money.
- No.

It's about stealing them from Doner.

Yeah, once they're in
the car, we can tell them

- anything we want.
- Yeah.

Drive.

Holy sh*t, you're Allen Hark.

I hear you're looking to
steal one of Doner's clients.

Well, you heard right.

Then drive.

[TYRONE CHESTNUT'S "THE BUMP" PLAYING]

♪

♪ Come on ♪

This is where my father
worked his whole life.

Ah.

The world our children will grow up in

is vastly different from
the world we live in now.

I don't have any children.

Yeah, I'm not even seriously
dating anyone right now.

It's not that I'm a player, it's
just, I like the idea of a first kiss.

- Yeah, he loves kisses.
- Well, I don't have any children either.

I was just talking about
the next generation.

- Yes.
- Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool.

- Other people's kids.
- Yeah.

I've raised over $
million in investor money

to start my own company, one that
values creativity over conformity.

I went to Doner today. That kid, Lepchek?

Gave me the best
presentation I've ever seen.

But I don't want to bring
a boxer to a Kn*fe fight.

I want the kind of guys that'll bring a g*n

to a kid's birthday party.

- That's us.
- A toy g*n, I guess.

- Yeah, but we'd do it.
- We would, for sure.

I can make the best car in the world,

but it won't matter if
no one wants to buy it.

- We're your guys.
- Mm-hmm.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

Sell me this pencil.

Excuse me?

Sell me the pencil.

- Uh... the... okay.
- Uh...

Uh, no problem, no problem at all.

Yeah, here it comes.

[BOTH STAMMERING]

Life goes by so fast,
and each day you see...

- Sell me the pencil.
- I... Yep, yep.

Well, first let's get
you a water or something.

- You thirsty?
- The pencil!

Welcome to this... our store.

We've been in business for a little while.

Little while. We're struggling.

Okay, I'll sell you my car.

No, no, sell me the pencil.

bucks, that's what I'm saying,

lease to own, bucks a month,

I pay your car insurance.

That's a terrible deal for you.

Is that yes? Is that a yes?

You know what?

This isn't a pencil.

No...

this is a, uh,

trumpet.

[IMITATING TRUMPET]

Jazz.

Holy...

Whatever, I already own the pencil.

Well, yeah, exactly.

How are we gonna sell it to
you if you already own it?

The whole pencil thing
was fun but a little stupid.

- Yeah, it was fun, though.
- It was dumb.

- It was dumb.
- But it taught me something.

You guys are hungry,

and that's a good thing,
because, gentlemen,

I've made the car of the future.

Whoa.

And you are going to help me sell it.

Is he walking?

- Sir, you probably shouldn't walk here.
- Is he walking?

Tim, I think we just sold Hark Motors.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, Susan, quick question.

Is it too late for me to buy

Girl Scout cookies from your daughter?

Lepchek!

You old barrel of dog piss and dog sh*t.

- Hey.
- Guess who we just landed?

Hark Motors.

Stole him from right under your nose.

[BOTH SNICKER]

I mean, no offense, but how
did you guys land Hark Motors?

- We're smart.
- We gonna bury you guys, steal all your...

Mm.

Cash for Copper Carl,

what are you doing here?

Tim and Sam.

I'm just simply listening

to what these business people have to say.

Yeah, but you're our client.

Be that as it may,

they say they can help me with my auto shop

that replaces car windows and car radios

should somebody have
smashed your car window

and taken your car radio.

Smart.

- Just a nice business idea.
- Good idea.

- Helpful for people.
- Frickin' good idea.

- Gentlemen.
- See ya.

Yeah.

You really are a piece of giant horse crap.

I don't know what type of
rivalry you think we have,

but honestly, I just want
the best for you guys.

And we want to k*ll you.

D-E-A-D.

Frickin...

[BOTH MOUTHING WORDS]

Offensive. I don't come into your office

and flip off that nice old lady
that sits in that front desk.

- She's not nice.
- She's not nice.

She is old.

- She's not nice.
- Bips.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

Welcome, welcome.

Goodness!

Here, this is for you.

[CHUCKLES]

"Zug Island Dog d*ck Cabernet."

Yeah. It had the funniest name
of all the ones in the store.

That's very funny, thank you.

Did you see the ad we placed in the paper?

_

I see.

Now you've publicly entwined our destinies.

Very good.

Well, I hope you won't
think I'm an old fuddy-duddy

for asking you to remove
your shoes in the house.

Oh, no, not at all.

Oh no, my grandma does the same thing.

And put on these shoes.

Okay.

Right now?

This is the south
staircase. It's the down one.

We use the north staircase to go up.

Uh, um, can you go up on this one?

[DING]

Hello, Allen.

Whoa, cool.

Smart homes have been done.

I wanted my home to be
completely intuitive.

It knows what I want before I know myself.

Good night, Allen.

[DING]

Lights on.

Hello, Allen.

I guess I must be tired.

Or maybe I am.

No. It only responds to me.

No, I... no, I know, I was just joking.

So, uh, Allen,

when are we gonna get
a look at this new car?

We'd love to come up
with a marketing strategy,

take it for a test drive.

Patience, Tim.

All will be revealed after dinner.

Not to malign what you do,

but this car is going to sell itself.

Well, that should make our job pretty easy.

I'll still expect you to do your best work.

No, I know, I was just joking again.

Just chill out, lay off the gas.

- I know, I'm just trying...
- Whoa.

Oh.

[WHIRRING]

Thank you.

Beautiful, isn't she?

Hmm?

It's okay, we're all men.

There's no need to be shy here.

Do you find her very beautiful?

I mean, if you do.

Let me ask you something, gentlemen.

Would you believe she is, in fact,

a robot?

- Yes.
- Yes, I would.

Well, that's because I told you.

No, 'cause...

Had I not used the word "robot,"

you wouldn't have suspected.

It's very, very obvious.

Most men would k*ll for a wife like that.

Is that your wife?

The face of a Mona Lisa. Brains too.

Brains of Mona Lisa?

Shall we eat?

It appears my house believes

that I wanted spaghetti tonight,

and I'm confident that deep down, I do.

I guess deep down you didn't
want any meatballs either.

Good night, Allen.

- Hmm.
- There it goes.

Lights on.

-
- Hello, Allen.

Guess I must be tired.

Sam, you'll be interested in this.

It's the ceremony where I
became an honorary black man.

That's why I'm allowed to say the N word.

No.

Right this way, gentlemen.

He's nuts.

This car's gonna be made out of cardboard.

He's not allowed to say the N word.

[EXCITING MUSIC]

Gentlemen, introducing the world's first

zero emissions car.

♪

Whoa.

Zero emissions?

That's right.

I've engineered it so that this car takes

all of its harmful carbon
emissions and exhausts

and expels it

into a non-toxic blob.

Listen to that engine purr.

That looks like sh*t.

Well, no.

It's emissions.

The car sh**t out an emissions blob.

So, it shits?

I don't think you
understand the significance

of what I've done here.

You've invented a sh1tting car.

It's not sh*t. It's a blob.

Uh, can you make it any other color?

No, I've tried.

Well, it smells like sh*t.

No, it doesn't.

Then what does it smell like?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, all right, look,
you've got plenty of money.

We can fix this.

The money's gone.

You spent $ million on a sh1tting car

and a robot with boobs?

Once people start buying the car,

there'll be no end of money.

We can do this thing together.

Okay, how much do you think

people are gonna pay for a crapping car?

I was hoping $ . million.

Each?

Yeah, the car costs $ . million to make.

This is very disappointing.

I should never have
trusted Lepchek about you.

Lepchek told you to hire us?

That assh*le!

Well, good-bye, Allen.

Thanks for the spaghetti.

Good luck to you and yours.

Give me $ , and I'll
let you sleep with my wife.

What?

Aww, come on.

I see the way you've been looking at her.

[SCOFFS]

I mean, maybe we don't have to tell anybody

that he's insane and broke.

Yeah, I mean, maybe people

would want a car that shits for $ million.

Yeah, maybe.

[LAUGHS]

What a psycho.

Oh, I know!

- Freaking psycho!
- Right? He's nuts.

Jesus.

What did that idiot say he
wanted to sleep with his wife?

- Oh.
- , bucks?

- Nuts.
- Yeah.

He'd probably let me do it for, like, $ .

- Sam.
- I'm not gonna.

You piece of crap!

I'm sorry, Mr. Lepchek,
I tried to stop them.

You barely tried.

I don't want to kick your ass.

Whatever.

How can I help you guys?

You told Allen Hark to hire us to sell

his pooping car to make us laughingstocks.

What? No. I said you were psychos.

You son of a bitch!

That's exactly what he wanted to hear!

Guys, that honestly wasn't
my intention, all right?

Call it even?

No, it's not even. You stole from us.

Now we

are going to steal from you.

Yeah, something from this office.

Yeah.

Okay, what are you gonna steal?

I'm gonna steal your laptop.

- Not the laptop.
- Oh, no,

I'm not stealing that. It's expensive.

I'll get in huge trouble.

You know what, I'm taking this

dragon skeleton thing.

That's an actual
Maniraptoran dinosaur fossil.

Oh, sweet.

Aw, God damn it, that's cool.

- Thanks.
- What about this thing?

It's dumb, who cares.

Ooh.

Well, I guess you picked your item.

No! I don't want that. It's broken!

God damn it, Sam, we
could've had that dino!

I know.

Best of luck to you guys.

Eat a butt, Lepchek!

[LAUGHING]

[FUNKY MUSIC]

I honestly like those guys.

What?

Nothing, Tim.

♪

♪ My mama got it, mama got it ♪

♪ My papa got it ♪

Hey, it's the suck twins.

How's the sucking business?

You're the one who sucks.

Ohh, sh*t!

My dude!

My dude!

- Burn, assh*le!
- In your face.

- That's John Kerry.
- That is John Kerry.

I think that is...