03x01 - Spyfall

[bunniefuu]

And now it's time for my favorite
part of your dining experience.

The check!

Guys, relax. I'm paying today.

My new job at the dojo means I can
treat my friends to a nice meal.

You guys want dessert?

Oh, I'm good. Dessert
at Phil's is disgusting.

It's just a scoop of hummus
drizzled with sweet mold.

Forget dessert. I wanna go work out.

Whoa.

That's a little bit
more than I expected.

Um, we didn't order five
baba ghanoush platters.

Oh. No, I did.

Yeah, I heard you were buying.

Thanks, Jack.

Phil: Put on your
fancy hairnet, Tootsie!

[Goat bleats]

Uh, you have to leave.

- You, leave!
- You can stay.

- You can stay.
- Phil, what are you doing?

The Prince of Hachmachistan
is coming here to see me,

and I don't want him looking at
anyone who's not pleasing to the eyes.

And I'll be honest with you, Milton...

You, my friend, very much on the fence.

Why is the Prince of
Hachmachistan in Seaford?

Hachmachistan is gonna use the port of
Seaford for all of its American trading.

There's gonna be a royal reception
tomorrow night at the Seaford Tower.

And I'll be attending. You know why?

Because you're a nerd with no life.

And...

I'm President of the
Student United Nations Club.

Phil: He's here! He's here!

Phil: Welcome, welcome, Your Highness.

Welcome.

If the redheaded bird
boy offends you, he's out.

My name is Yuval,
Prince of Hachmachistan.

When a man from my country
sees a beautiful woman,

there is a customary greeting. May I?

[High-pitched giggle]

'Kay.

[Wailing scream] [Spits]

You're good, handsome.

[Coins clinking]

Hey, Jack. You want me to
help you with our check?

Relax, I got it.

No, I got it.

Put your little pennies away.

I would like the honor of treating
this lovely lady and her friends.

[Sighs] Excuse me.

Uvula, is it?

Yeah, thanks, but I'm paying that.

Can you believe this
guy? I pay my own checks.

Too late! It is paid.

Oh, I'm sorry, would anyone
care for some dessert?

I could go for some dessert.

You literally just said
you wanted to work out.

Well, now I want dessert, Jack.

Fine.

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

[Dreamily] And when
the Prince said goodbye,

he leaned in close and looked at me
with those big beautiful cow eyes and...

You wanna know what I said to him?

Moo?

No, Jack. I didn't say m...

Wait, I was thinking about cows.

What if...? Oh, no, I probably did.

Way to go, Kim. A Prince
comes to town and you moo him.

Get over it, Kim. He's just
obnoxious pretty boy royalty.

[Animal chirps]

- Jerry: Don't bite me.
- What is that thing?

It's a Lemur from Madagascar.

Yeah, part of my job at the Seaford
Animal Park is taking care of it.

It sleeps all day and spends its
nights in a treetop licking itself.

Lucky!

Yeah, there's a chance it might
be carrying Madagascar Madness,

so I'm keeping him
quarantined for the week.

Big news, people! Big news!

I have been asked by the Prince
to present him with the symbolic

key to the city of Seaford at his
royal reception tomorrow night.

Congrats, Phil.

- But what's with the roses?
- There are for the Kims.

He also wanted you to have this.

[Gasps]

Diamonds? I can't believe this. No
boy's ever given me a necklace before.

Excuse me. Uh, I gave you one.

Oh, that's right. The one you made me
at summer camp made out of macaroni.

It was rigatoni.

Learn your pasta, woman.

Jack, you're just jealous
because you weren't invited.

Please, there's not a
guy in the world that

would wanna go to some
fancy ball for a Prince.

I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna go!

Sorry, Rudy. Nobody gets
in without an invitation.

Although, if you are willing
to pose as my man-servant...

Ah, excuse me, I am a third-degree
black belt and a respected Sensei.

- There is no way that...
- All-you-can-eat cheese balls.

Pick you up at eight, my Liege.

You two gotta check out this video of
Joan the security guard I put online.

Joan: Base, I'm involved
in a high-speed chase.

Pull it...

Over!

Okay. Wow!

Got ourselves a comedian here.

Well, hardy har har.

How about this for a laugh?

You, Sir, are in...

Bad move, perp.

You just woke up the jackrabbit, huh?

Oh! Oh! Oh, pulled a hammy!

Pulled a hammy!

[All laughing]

Oh, it still cracks me up.

Yeah, that thing is... not funny at all!

My boss saw that video,
and now I'm suspended

unless I pass the Mall Cop fitness test.

Yeah, when I took this job, I didn't know
I had to be something called "in shape".

[Mouthing]

You know what, Joan? I'm
gonna help you pass that test.

Yeah. You are.

You know, this job
means everything to me.

If you... you take away my keys, my
badge, my uniform, you know what's left?

A crazy naked lady in boots.

[Voice breaking] Bingo.

- [Straining]
- You can do this, Joan.

- I can't.
- You're so close! Come on.

I ca... [straining]

[Groaning]

[Panting]

[Chuckles]

Woo-wee!

Tying your shoe can be a workout.

- [Watch beeps]
- Oh. It's time to feed my Lemur.

Yeah, then we can
start training.

Be right back. Gotta
grab his food.

- Huh, I've never seen a Lemur before.
- [Lemur chirps]

[Chuckles]

Oh. Look, you're kinda cute.

[Lemur hisses]

Oh, getting a little hissy, missy, huh?

[Chuckles]

[Hisses]

[Hisses]

[Hisses]

[Hisses]

[Hisses ferociously]

Why, you little... [hisses]

- [Lemur hisses loudly]
- Whoa! Oh!

[Joan screaming]

Woo! That's what I'm talking about.
Way to work out, Joan! No pain, no gain!

- A lot of pain! A lot of pain!
- Whoa! Jeez!

[Gulps]

Oh, Joan, this is bad.

- He bit you.
- Oh.

He's being quarantined because they think
he might be carrying Madagascar Madness.

Oh, I'd be more worried
about the Lemur, Jerry.

I was once bit by a kangaroo
at a petting zoo, and

he started twitching and
crawled into his own pouch.

Poor fella sneezed and
turned himself inside-out.

♪ It's not as cool
as kickin' it with you!

- [Vacuum humming]
- [Rock music playing]

What are you doing in
here? This place is closed.

Really? A tranquilizer dart?

[Both grunting]

The silent alarm went
off, Jack. What's going on?

I caught this guy breaking in, and he
tried to sh**t me with a tranquilizer dart.

We'll take it from here.

[Moaning]

[British accent] Good afternoon,
Agent . The Prince of...

[Emphatically] Hachmachistan is
in grave danger from this man.

Phil?

Phil's a falafel maker.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.

For several years he's been posing as
a falafel maker who wouldn't hurt a fly.

He's actually a dangerous hit man.

Yesterday, our surveillance team took
this photo of him buying a toxic vapor.

If this vapor is released
tonight at the royal reception,

the Prince and everyone attending...

Will be eliminated.

[Sighs] This just
doesn't make any sense.

I don't know what's sparkling more...

The diamonds or your eyes.

You care for some punch?

Uh, no! I mean... I mean,
yes yes. [Nervous chuckle]

I mean...

Moo?

Rudy: I look ridiculous!

Phil: You look like traditional
Hachmachi man-servant.

Now get out there and introduce me!

[Clears throat]

Now presenting the grand high exalted...

Mystic falafel maker...

And all-around super guy...

Phil.

That's right! Phil is in the house!

What is up, Iceland?
Looking chill, baby.

Brrr.

Oh, this is great, just great,
my friends are in danger,

and I take out the one Government
Agent who was sent to help them.

That is so Jack!

The royal reception is being
held at the Seaford Tower.

Due to heightened security,

the only viable point of access is
an air vent located on the th floor.

This air vent will grant you
access to the air duct system.

Yeah, no problem getting up there.

All I need is a pair of
super high-tech sticky gloves.

You've been issued a pair of
super high-tech sticky gloves.

Everything else you need to carry out this
mission safely is located in the backpack.

Good luck, Agent .

I can do this.

Nope, I can't do this.

Joan, I don't think you
can take this test tonight.

You might have a touch
of the Madagascar Madness.

[Shakily] What makes you
say that? I feel fine.

- I should probably call a doctor.
- You're not calling anyone!

I've never felt so alive!

[Rock music playing]

Woo!

Yeah, I'd say you're
ready for the test, Joan.

Ah, I feel... [howling] Good!

[Wolf howls]

Would you listen to that. My
friend Donna just caught a rabbit.

[Groaning]

[Exhales]

Finally, the th floor.

[Beeping erratically]

Oh, no. Oh, this can't be good.

[Power whirrs down]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

[Screaming]

"Self-launching grappling hook".

Yes!

[Hook clangs]

Huh.

I wonder what this button does.

[Yelps] Whoa!

Vent... my way in.

All right, let's do this.

Joan Malone is ready for her test.

All right. Go on my whistle.

[Breathing heavily]

- [Growling]
- Joan. Joan, listen.

You see that guy over
there with the stopwatch?

[Grunting] Mm-hmm mm-hmm.

He's the only thing standing between
you and getting your job back.

- [Snarling]
- Hey hey! Stop it! Stop it.

You know what to do, right?

- [Grunts]
- Ready? Perfect.

Okay, Mr. Richards. She's ready.

[Whistle tweets]

- [Joan growls]
- [Shrieking]

Joan, no! Bad girl!

[Growls]

[Shrieking]

And to think, such
a small man like me...

Is giving my Prince such a big key.

[Sobs]

No no. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

[Sobbing]

[Composedly] Oh, yes, crying is
definitely the way to go. Nice!

You remind me of someone.

Are you the Brad Pitts?

[Grunting]

No no no no no no no!

- Oh!
- [Thuds]

[Toilet flushes]

[American accent] And to
think, a small man like me...

Is [Clears throat]

[Foreign accent] A small man
like me is giving my Prince...

Such a big big key.

[Vapor hisses]

[American accent] Ugh.
Man, this guy is ugly.

But Joan, you got the
sh*ts. The madness is over.

And so is my career.

[Both sigh]

Might as well go face the music.

[Sighs deeply]

[Exhales]

- Mr. Richards.
- What happened to me?

All I remember is being
att*cked by some beast.

Mr. Richards, there's something
that I need to tell you.

[Inhales and exhales deeply]

I was the one who...

Saved your life.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. Everybody
ran in fear. But not Joan.

Mm-mm.

You saved me?

Uh...

I did.

I did what the boy said.

I don't know how I'll ever thank you.

You're exactly the
kind of guard we need.

You'll have a job here
as long as you want one.

Oh, wait a minute. Huh!

What makes you think that
I still want a job here?

Huh?

Someone like me could get
a job anywhere. I mean...

[Retches]

[Joan coughs]

Is that my hair?

See you Monday!

[Phil moaning]

[Sighs] One too many shrimp puffs?

Been there, brother.

All right, Phil, you've got one
chance to tell me what's going on.

I don't know. I was att*cked by a man
wearing a mask that looked just like me.

Whoa, a mask?

He was so handsome, Jack, I cried
a little each time I struck him.

Well, that's it. The hit man
must be a master of disguise.

He's using your face to
get close to the Prince.

He's ruining my big night.

After the Prince signs
the trade agreement,

I'm supposed to present
him with this big key.

I should be up there right now.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Unless...

The toxic vapor is in a duplicate key.

He must be using a duplicate key!

Hey! Oh! Jack?

Jack, you dropped one of your gloves.

Jack?

Ooh. [Gasps]

Fancy!

[Straining]

Oh!

[Clears throat]

Presenting the key to the city...

Hachmachistan's own Falafel Phil.

Hey, waiter with the cheese
balls, I've been looking for you.

[Key whirrs]

- Wait, stop!
- Jack?!

[Scattered gasps]

[Both grunting]

- Throw it!
- What?

The key... throw it out the window now!

[Glass shatters]

Jack, what are you doing to Phil?

He's not Phil.

- [American accent] Who are you?
- Brewer.

Jack Brewer.

[All gasp]

And I would have gotten away with it,
if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

Jack, how did you...
I mean, why did you...

- What was the... [mimics expl*si*n]?
- Look...

I'll explain the whole thing later.

Kim! Kim! You and this boy with
the amazing hair saved my life.

I have never met a girl like
you. You must be my Princess.

You will come to my country...

[Exhales and chuckles]
Not gonna happen, hon'.

I mean, look, you're
a nice guy, but, uh,

honestly, I don't think I'm cut
out for this whole royalty thing.

I owe you my sincere appreciation.

I hope you know you
are a very wealthy man.

Oh, I do. Oh, which reminds me.

Here's . from the
bill at Falafel Phil's.

When I say I'm treating my friends
to lunch, I treat my friends to lunch.

I'm still short about four bucks,
but I figured I saved your life.

- So we're even, right?
- [Laughs]

Not so much. Mail it to the palace.

Look, Jack, every girl likes getting
attention from a handsome Prince.

But uh, I just want you to know that

I feel a lot more comfortable
around you than I do anyone else.

Uh, and look, I know these things aren't
really your thing, so, uh, let's go.

Whoa, wait a second here, I just climbed
floors up the side of this building,

the music's still playing and
I think I look kind of dashing.

Do you wanna dance?

I hope you learned that some of those
animals I look after are dangerous.

Now don't go anywhere near that
Vampire Bat I'm watching, okay?

Don't worry. Learned my lesson.