03x08 - Two Dates and a Funeral

[bunniefuu]

[Applause]

Okay, Pete Marcus goes to Sandy Bilbo.

Remember, every dollar earned
today at the It's A Date Auction,

goes to buying our
marching band instruments.

Because a marching band without
instruments is just some kids,

stomping around a football
field like a bunch of dopes.

Yo, to win an auction,
you gotta play it smooth.

Let the other bidders
make the first move.

Up next is Carol Thompson.

$ !

Ooh, okay. Uh, who will give me ?

.

Smooth, Jerry. Smooth.

Sold to Jerry Martinez for $ .

And that brings us to Kim Crawford.

This black belt beauty is what you
saved your lunch money for, people.

[Cheering]

Yeah!

Milton, I don't know if I can do this.

This is kind of embarrassing. It's
not really my thing. I don't...

[Dance music playing]

Okay.

Well, you are a shy
little thing, aren't you?

Do I hear ?

Yes, you do, you do, you really do.

Albert, President of the Mathletes
with the first bid. Do I hear ?

Nicholas, Captain of the football team.

Do I hear ?

- .
- ?

?

Do I hear $ ?

- Oh.
- $ !

Whaa.

Going once, going twice...

Keep going, keep going.

Sold for a record
breaking $ to Albert.

Carol, I've been saving for weeks.

You're the only girl for me.

Up next is Sue Lin.

$ !

[Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.

I know it's for a good cause but,

I can't believe I'm gonna have
to go on a date with Albert.

Here's a little trick.

If you need to end a date with a
nerd early, lean in, blow in his ear.

[Blows]

He'll faint. You run.

Uh, hey, Kim?

Uh, you're not gonna have to
go on the date with Albert.

Yeah, I am. He had the highest bid.

Well, he did the bidding,
but it wasn't for himself.

It was for me.

What? Really, why?

I don't know, I guess...

The thought of you going
out with some other guy...

To be honest, it kind of bothered me.

What are you saying, Jack?

I'm saying that maybe
we should go on a...

An outing?

We could definitely do an outing.

- An outing.
- An outing. Yeah.

So, uh, why didn't you
just bid on me yourself?

I don't know. I just...

I thought it would
weird our friends out.

Yeah, you're right. The minute they
find out we're going on an actual...

Date, they'll treat us differently.

- So we'll keep it to ourselves?
- Absolutely.

Albert: Kim!

Kim! Kim!

[Panting]

Albert, what are you doing here?

Kim, I'm glad I caught you.

Give me a second. Woo!

Oh, I just ran all the way from Phil's.

Jack, forget our agreement.

I realize that I too have feelings for
Kim and I'm gonna take her on a date.

- Uh, Albert, I...
- Jack, I got this.

Our date will begin with a romantic
carriage ride through the park...

Where, you know, we'll hold hands and...

- [Blows]
- Nerd down.

So, Sam, did you decide what you're
gonna do for the school Talent Show?

Yep. Piano.

It's pronounced karate.

It's a good choice.

But they have this
great piano there, Rudy.

I could program like
different instruments on it.

I think I can win.

Please. Nobody likes music.

Karate's how you win a Talent Show.

And I would have won mine if I didn't
get a raging case of donkey pox.

Donkey pox?

Yeah, it's like chicken
pox but phlegmier.

Rudy: I had to be in the
bubble because I was contagious.

But everything was going fine
until my regulator malfunctioned.

[Clangs]

[Hisses]

[Pops]

Rudy: Of course, the sneeze didn't help.

[Sneezes]

Now, I lost, but the great
thing about raising kids is

you can force them to achieve
the goals you could not.

That's just good parenting.

Hey, Kim.

I got us a reservation at Portaccini's.

That's impossible.

Tomorrow night, : ,
table by the fountain.

This is gonna be perfect. I
even made you a little something.

But remember we're not saying
a word about this to anyone.

Right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

[Girl chattering on phone]

Uh-huh.

Really?

You don't say.

[Exhales]

That was Carol Thompson. Clingy.

Kim, I can't stand clingy girls.

I'm sorry things with
Carol didn't work out but,

I'm sure the right person is
even closer than you think.

[Chatter continues]

Uh, Kim, you dropped this.

J plus K?

No way.

Wait, is this you and
Jack? You guys are together?

No. No no no no. It's not Jack.

It's a different "J" person.

Wait a minute.

Jerry's a "J" person.

Is this "J" me?

Uh...

- Yes.
- [Gasps]

Yes, it is.

Ah!

It makes so much sense now. The
right person is closer than you think.

Tomorrow night we're
going on our first date.

- Uh, you know, Jerry, I...
- Shh shh shh shh shh shh.

You're gonna see the soft,
sensitive side of Jerry Martinez.

Just hang on.

- [Chatter continues]
- It's over, Carol. You're out!

[Groans]

♪ It's not as cool as
kickin' it with you. ♪

Okay, lesson one, defense.

Now I'm gonna swing this focus pad
at you and you're gonna duck under it.

Ready?

You have to duck.

- Oh, all right.
- Okay? Let's try it again.

- You know, I think I see the problem.
- I'm not very good at karate?

That, and you have
the reflexes of a wall.

But that's okay. Let me show you.

I'm gonna say ready,
you swing, I'll duck.

Now, you're not gonna be able
to hit me because I'm a Sensei

and I have what some people
call super ninja reflexes.

[Grunts]

That's perfect.

You know, I've never actually
bought a corsage before.

I'm pretty excited.
It's for my new girlfr...

Person.

Hey, Jack. What you got in the box?

Uh, it's my uh...

Bird.

Bucky.

Why is your bird in a box?

Well, my bird is in a...

Box because it's...

Dead. I mean...

Dead.

I am so sorry.

- Come on. Bring it in, you.
- No, thanks.

[Exhales]

Okay, you know...

Thank you, Milton, but I'm grieving,
so I should probably be alone right now.

You're wrong, Jack. A funeral
service is exactly what you need.

That's why I'm arranging one
here at the dojo tomorrow.

Ah, I don't know, man.

Bucky was a very private bird.

Trust me, Jack.

I didn't get to say a proper
good-bye to my goldfish.

There are some days I just
can't even get out of bed.

I'm sorry, man. When did that happen?

Nine years ago.

Wow. Kim, you look amazing.

Thanks. You do too.

This was supposed to be our
romantic date at Portaccini's.

Yeah, instead I'm going to a funeral
for a bird that doesn't exist.

I'm going on a date with Jerry
who unfortunately does exist.

Let's get our grieve on, Jack.

Kim, you're not gonna believe this.
I got us a table at Portaccini's.

Some poor dude had to cancel.

You know, I can't say I'm surprised
you wanted to date me, Kim.

See, the thing about me is
I'm all cool on the outside,

but on the inside I'm en fuego.

You know, I think that's why
I suffer from extreme fevers.

You know my doctor...

[Jerry's voice] Oh, I
can't stand clingy girls.

[Echoing] Clingy girls...

- He said it was a mixture of like...
- Yeah yeah. That's great. Whatever.

Listen, now that we're dating,
there's gonna be some changes.

Changes?

This Saturday, instead of going
to your cousin Chewy's birthday,

we're gonna go shopping for skirts.

But I don't wear skirts.

And on Sunday, we're gonna
go to the craft store.

They have an all day candle
making class for couples.

That is so not en fuego.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello?

Kim: Hey, Sweetie. It's me.

Kim, are you calling
me from the bathroom?

Uh-huh.

[Flushing]

When I come back, I'm never
letting you out of my sight.

We're gonna go shopping...

[Burbling]

♪ It's not as cool as
kickin' it with you! ♪

That was Donna Meikin playing
Chinese checkers with her poodle.

Who lost?

All of us who had to watch it.

Next up is Sam who's gonna kick things
into high gear with a little karate!

- [Fabric rips]
- [Yelps]

Oh, I hope that ripping
sound was my pants.

[Rock music playing]

Come on, Sam. Remember
what I taught you.

Boo!

[Audience booing]

Hey, come on, come on. He's trying.

Boo!

Oh. Oh, really?

Amazing Wally, your magic act stunk.

The only thing you made
disappear was my will to live.

Your loss has left us in a lurch.

We stare now at an empty perch.

So sad are we that you are gone.

If only you had known the fan was on.

- Oh, death! Thy sting...
- Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Jack, why don't you come
up and say something?

- Uh, no no. I'm good. Thank you.
- No, come on.

Say something.

Bye bye, birdie.

Thank you all for coming.

Oh, no. This was just the memorial.

Now we take the four mile funeral march up
to Mount Seaford for the graveside service.

And then down to the skating arena for
the musical tribute Bucky's life on ice.

[Sobs]

I wish it was me in the box.

It should have been me.

♪ It's not as cool as
kickin' it with you! ♪

What a night.

Portaccini's for dinner, a
walk through the park, and...

The night ends here at our place.

So I was thinking tomorrow we'd go to
the lake in Eisenhower Park and rent one

of those swan paddled boats and just
float for hours and hours and hours!

We gotta talk.

Uh, going out with you has been...

Go ahead. I can take it.

The greatest thing that
ever happened to me.

Oh, it hurts! But they
say time heals all...

What now?

Ever since word got out that
you and I are seeing each other,

every girl in the school
is interested in me.

But I'm so overbearing and clingy.

And extremely annoying.

Plus, I don't know if
anybody's told you this,

but you have this weird
waddle walk you do.

But I don't care about all that.

What I care about is I'm rejecting girls

that have been rejecting
me since I started school.

Because of you, Kim, I'm
in a whole new league.

Hey.

So... we're not breaking up?

Not for a long time.

[Sobbing]

Well, if it isn't Heather Donnelly.

The girl that was too good
to talk to me in kindergarten.

Should have put a ring on it, Heather!

[Sobs]

This could have been you.

[Sobbing continues]

There you are!

Still recovering from
the trip up Mount Seaford?

Oh, yeah. The important
thing is that it's all over.

Not quite. You just need
to be open to loving again.

That's why after my goldfish
d*ed, my dad got me Leonard.

[Caws]

And now, I'm giving him to you.

Come on, man. I don't
know anything about birds.

Except for Lucky.

- Bucky.
- Bucky.

It's really simple.

Just sing him a few songs,
pluck his dead feathers,

and most importantly,
remember to change his diaper.

Did you say change his diaper?

Change me.

- What?
- Change me.

- Dude, I'm not changing your dia...
- I said change me!

Okay!

Okay.

♪ Kickin' it with you!

Let's just go. I was horrible,
and everyone was booing me.

Aw, come on, Sam. Not
everyone was booing you.

Some people were sleeping.
Others were running for the exits.

I wish I could have just
gone out and played the piano.

I only did karate
because you wanted me to.

Well, Sam, wait.

I'm sorry.

I tried to use your Talent
Show to make up for my own.

But that stops now.

All right. The show is not over.

Today I forced Sam to do karate when what
he really wanted to do was play the piano.

Boo!

So help me, Wally, I will you
kick you where your doves hide!

Now...

On the piano, my main man Sam.

[Playing dramatic song]

[Beeping]

[Pop music playing]

[Cheering]

Sam, I am so proud of
you. You were amazing.

We have a winner.

I won! I won!

I mean, he won, he won.

♪ Kickin' it with you!

Hey. I got us a table at Portaccini's,
but we only have minutes.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, hey, guys. Where you going?

Yeah. And why are you all dressed up?

Well, I am dressed up...

Because I am going to see the new play!

At the place where people act.

Oh, you mean that hour Shakespeare
Marathon down at the Palladium?

I am so in!

Great. So that's
really gonna happen now.

All right, Kim, let's go look for
some cheerleaders for me to reject.

And please, watch your waddle.

You know what, that's it. I'm done.

Me too.

The truth is, we were
going on a date last night,

but we wanted to keep it
a secret from everyone.

So we made up a little lie, and
it kind of blew up in our faces.

What do you mean?

Well, for starters, that box we
buried, it wasn't a dead bird.

It was a corsage for Kim.

And Jerry, that bracelet with the J
plus K on it, the "J" was for Jack.

Wait.

So you never really wanted to date me?

Don't take this the wrong
way, but absolutely not.

Tell you what, how about tomorrow at
school you break up with me in front

of the entire cheer leading squad
and I'll take it really really hard?

Oh, that'd be great, Kim.

You're the best fake ex-girlfriend
a guy could ever have.

Milton, I'm sorry, man.

Don't worry. It kind
of worked out for me.

I have been trying to get rid of that,

feathered flying poop machine
since the day I got him.

Have fun on your date.

[Chuckles]

This is for you.

[Both chuckle]

I had to hike up the side of a
mountain to bury your corsage.

And I had to pretend to be
Jerry's crazy girlfriend.

All this just so we can go on a date.

You know what?

You're worth it.

♪ Kickin' it with you!

- So how's your Manicotti?
- Really good. How's your Rigatoni?

It's nice.

[Squawks]

Change my diaper.

- Just ignore him.
- Change my diaper.

No, you don't understand. I have to.

- No, you don't.
- I said change me!

Go go go!

[Humming a tune]

Hey, Kim.

Dining alone?