03x16 - Mamma Mima

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

You guys can complain all you want, but I
had a really good time at the Seaford Fair.

We're just saying the
fair's gone downhill.

I mean, the baby elephant was just a
shaved dog with a hose taped to its nose.

Hey, Jerry, where'd you get
that cool tie-dyed shirt?

Oh, I didn't.

I just got on the spinning cups with Rudy
after he had nine flavors of Italian ice.

It was eight. That ninth color's
the chili dog I had for breakfast.

Hey, Jack, I need to ask a favor.

You know that Seaford High news show
that I'm on that everyone talks about?

Our school has a news show?

- And you're on it?
- People talk about it?

Yes, and I was hoping that Jack could
do the weather, just for one day.

Why?

Oh, well, we couldn't find anyone,
so our producer Albert had to fill in.

He's not really the
right guy for the job.

♪It's gonna be sunny tomorrow.

♪So get out your sunblock today!

- [Yelps]
- [Crashes]

All right, if you want me to be
your weatherman, I'll give it a sh*t.

Oh, cool. Come on. Let's go into
dojo and practice for tomorrow.

[Sobbing]

[Door closes]

[Sobs loudly]

- Should we?
- I think we have to.

[All groan]

I am never speaking to
any of you ever again!

And I will tell you why!

I invited you all to my birthday party,
but no one come to celebrate the Phils.

That's my fault, Phil.

The fair was in town, we got free tickets
and I totally forgot it was your birthday.

Guys, how about we make it up to him?

Surprise!

What?! For me?

Yeah... wait a minute.

You're not pulling the yak
fur over my seeing balls.

- Look, Phil, we're really sorry...
- Save it, sister!

Okay.

I thought you people
were like family to me.

But what kind of family does this
to a man who just wants to be loved?

Oh, I feel horrible, Phil.

Look, I may have forgotten your birthday,
but I didn't forget to get you a present.

Um...

Look, I got you this
beautiful tie-dyed T-shirt.

[Sniffs] Ugh.

I don't want this. It
smells like a pukey rainbow.

- [Screaming cry]
- [Rock music playing]

- ♪ Don't...
- ♪Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kicking it with you.

♪Here we go, let's start the party!

♪Chop it up like it's karate.

♪Everybody!

- ♪Don't...
- ♪ Don't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Get all tough with me!

♪I'm saying...

- ♪ Won't...
- ♪Won't...

- ♪You...
- ♪You...

♪Come kick it with me?

♪And we could have a
ball, run up the wall!

- ♪That's just how we do.
- ♪Come on!

♪And no matter how much I chop and punch
it's not as cool as kicking it with you.

[Music]

Guys, Phil is our friend.

And we let him down.

So we are gonna throw him
the best birthday party ever.

All of his friends from
the Mall are gonna come.

Joan's even working on Hachmachi dance.

Okay, I did a little research.
And the first thing you need for a

traditional Hachmachi birthday
party is six gallons of tortoise pee.

Got it.

How do you have six gallons of...

You get a tortoise and you
make him drink lots of water.

It's called science, Kim.

Okay, look at the
present that I got him.

It's a box for knickknacks
made out of , toothpicks.

- Oh, can I see that?
- Yeah, be very careful.

[Box smashes]

You know what I got him?

His Mother.

Yeah, she hasn't seen him
since he moved to Seaford.

I'm flying her over.

Mama Mima is gonna be
the surprise at the party.

Best gift giver ever.

Dude, how could you afford to fly
someone over from Hachmachistan?

You know what, Jerry? Phil is my friend.

And you cannot put a
price tag on friendship.

On a totally unrelated subject,
tuition is going up bucks a piece.

♪Kicking it with you.

And we're back in three, two...

[News jingle plays]

During Friday night's football game, while
cheering for the game-winning field goal,

Coach Marmer blew a bladder gasket.

This reporter was on
scene when it happened.

Milton: How are you feeling, Coach?

[Coach grunts loudly]

And now our guest
weatherman Jack Brewer.

Thank you, Milton.

Today, temperatures are rising due to a low
barometric pressure system moving in from..

This is boring.

Jack, just read the prompter.

Forget about the prompter.

Look, if you want to
know about the weather,

it's gonna be hot out,
so just open up a window.

You guys should hit the beach.

Grab your flip flops, put on your
t*nk tops and shake out your mops.

And no matter the weather, stay cool,
Seaford. [Snaps fingers, clicks tongue]

Will do! And we're out.

Well, Jack, uh... that was interesting.

Yeah, I think it went pretty well.

[High-pitched] Yeah. You
did the best you could.

And that's what counts.

Okay, everybody, they're almost here.

I told Jerry to bring
Phil here blindfolded.

Jerry, Phil was supposed
to have the blindfold on.

Oh, that makes so much more sense.

What is this?

What are all these people doing here?

"Happy Birthday, Phil"?

Oh! You do love the Phil!

Look, we may have
forgotten your birthday but,

we wanted to let you know
that we really do love you.

And Rudy's on his way
with a special surprise.

Joan: And I got a little
surprise of my own!

I have mastered the traditional...

Hachmachi birthday dance.

[Folk music playing]

[Tempo quickens]

Happy Birthday!

That was beautiful.

You even ended with a
traditional face plant.

This couldn't get any better.

Yes, it could.

[Foreign accent] Come...

Give your Mama a great big kiss.

[High-pitched] Mama?

Oh...

And now it's time for weather.

Singers: ♪With weatherman Jack.

Jack: Thank you, sunny.
Thank you, cloudy.

[Clicks tongue]

What is he doing here?

Jack's a hit, especially
with girls to / .

You realize Jack doesn't even
know how to use a teleprompter.

He doesn't have to. He's gonna wing it.

What?! You can't just wing it. The
is amateur high school journalism.

All I care about is getting
more students to watch our show.

I'll do whatever it
takes to get ratings.

It's gonna be a little gusty today.

This offshore swell is gonna bring in
some swell waves for you surfers out there.

What am I doing surfing with a shirt on?

Gah! He's going topless!

We're expecting showers later tonight.

[Girls spritzing]

Ah!

I want to apologize to the
viewers who tuned into the news

and wound up eyeballing this skin fest.

Uh, I think they'd rather watch me
than the Milton Krupnik snooze fest.

How dare you!

[Grunts]

[Spritzing]

And we're out!

Way to go, guys. Thanks to you we
probably lost all the viewers that we had.

[Spritzing]

- That was great.
- What?

Jack and Milton fighting was the coolest
thing that's ever happened on this show.

Everybody in school is
already talking about it.

Oh. [Giggles]

I think I just found our new co-anchor.

[Milton shouts]

[Screams]

♪Kickin' it with you.

You don't just spring a
Hachmachi Mother on her son.

You might as well have wrapped up
a large snake and give that to Phil.

Surpr... not cool. Who told?

I have been living a lie.

My Mother thinks I am
someone that I am not.

Well, why would you lie
to your Mother, Phil?

In my country, if a man my age is not
successful and married with children,

he has to return home and live in a
tent with the grandmothers and the seals.

Well, hey, at least you're
a successful businessman.

Please, in Hachmachistan, the only
thing worse than selling falafel

is being security guard at the Mall...

Malt ball factory.

Malt ball factory security guards...

[Laughs] Suckers!

I told her that I am the futon King.

Phil, now, why would you do that?

Because he's the King of a magical
piece of furniture known as the futon.

I can think of no greater thing to be.

Hello, Mama.

[Both ululating]

[Both spit]

[Both trilling]

Oh, these must be my grandpumpkas.

Er, actually, Mama, these are...

Uh, we're your grandpumpkas.

We are?

I mean, we are.

That's us.

And this must be your wife.

Oh.

Phil doesn't have a...

A thing to worry about.

Because I'm his beautiful wife.

Because I'm his beautiful wife.

And I love him.

[Gasps deeply]

Okay, so that just happened.

Uh, yeah, Mama.

This is my beautiful family.

[Coughs and gags]

Joan, do you want your gum back?

Oh, keep it, dear.

[Music]

♪Kickin' it with you!

A little bit more.

Little bit more... and down.

Yes.

Definitely put it back where it was.

Listen, you.

I am not moving another futon by myself.

Look, I hope you appreciate
what we're doing for you.

I do appreciate it very much.

And it's only for a few days.

You, Rudy, you're a true friend.

And I say this from the
bottom of my heart...

Move those futons or you're fired, worm!

Hello, Mother.

Ah, my wife. Hello, dear.

There's my big, strong
man working his heart out.

Here's your credit card.

[Forced] Why did you
take my credit card, dear?

Oh well, because I knew you'd want me to
have this necklace for our anniversary...

Dear.

I'm surprised you didn't get
matching earrings to go with it, dear!

Well, that's a great idea...

Dear.

Oh, my Father was wrong about you.

Can you believe we have to keep
up this act until Mima leaves?

Hey, my daddy don't pay
you to flap your lips.

Go move a futon.

You know, Phil, I'm so ashamed.

A little part of me
thought you were lying when

you didn't send me a
picture of your family.

But I see you have built a
beautiful, wonderful life.

And given me a beautiful grandchild.

I gave you two.

Oh, right, the girl.

What is wrong with the Kims?

Yeah, what is wrong with the Kims?

Oh! Where do I start?

Your pasty skin! Your tortoise lips!

Your puny plucked eyebrows!

You're going to grow old and alone.

That is why I'm going to
give you Hachmachi makeover.

- Ho-ho!
- Wait!

Wait! Where is she taking me, dad?

Dad?! Daddy!

All right, guys. We're going live in .

You know, the news is about actual
news, not about how good you look.

News is about ratings. You got
to give the people what they want.

And they want this guy.

[Coughs]

What they want is a great story,

like that time I went undercover in the
cafeteria for my piece about a sneezy chef.

No one will ever forget
"snots in your tots".

Everyone forgot that
story. It was a dumb story.

- [Overlapping arguing]
- Three, two, one!

- [News jingle plays]
- I'm Jack Brewer.

And I'm Milton Krupnik.
And here's our top story.

The school nurse reports
that wedgies are down by %

due to the recent expulsion
of Glen, "The Ripper," Daniels.

- And here with our next story...
- [Crinkling]

Big hair! Big big hair!

What?

You did this!

I didn't do anything. Uh we're
on air. Try and be professional.

And on to our next news
segment, "Inside Seaford".

I will be testing the P.H. level of
our Seaford High drinking water...

With one little drop of...

That's it!

No! No! No!

Let me go!

No! No! No! No no no.

- No-o-o-o!
- Ah!

And we're out!

Oh, that was great, guys.

I'm gonna go talk to the Principal about
getting more time added to the show.

Did he just say we were great?

We just had an on-air brawl.

Why would he want us to fight
if all he cares about is...

Both: Ratings.

That's it. Let's tell him we quit.

No, I think we should
do one more broadcast.

♪Kicking it with you!

[Speaks Hachmachi]

You did not?

[Laughs] Mama Mima, you're hilarious.

- What she say?
- I have no idea.

Wait till you see what I
have done with the Kims.

I took a lump of ugly and turned
it into a lump of less ugly.

Kims!

Have you ever seen
anything like her before?

Well, there's a horror movie where
this creature crawled out of the...

Rudy!

This hat is ridiculous.

Oh, Phil, I'm so proud of you.

I couldn't be happier.

I've made a decision.

I'm not going back to Hachmachistan.

I'm going to stay here with Phil...

And his beautiful family forever.

Oh, I think they fainted with the joy.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure that's it.

You know what, Mother?
Let's celebrate. Huh?

[Laughs]

We're going to the most
expensive restaurant in town.

Phil would want that.

What a great story, Milton.

A dog with dentures, wow.

His bark really is worse than his bite.

[Both laugh]

Why are they getting along?

We'd like to take a break from our
normal routine and shake things up a bit.

Ooh, shake it! Shake it up, Jack.

We want you to meet a man who doesn't
quite get the credit he deserves...

Our producer Albert.
Come on up here, Albert.

[Nervous giggle] What?

Why? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Our ratings have tripled in the last
few days and it's all because of Albert.

Oh, well, I don't know. I mean...

I'm pretty good.

What am I standing in?

Oh, that's just some quick-dry cement.

See, Albert understands that ratings can
come from making people look like fools.

So we thought you'd
help us with the weather.

But I don't want to help
you with the weather.

Oh, look at that.

You're on TV and we didn't even
give you a chance to fix your hair.

Why don't you use some of the
hair volumizer you gave me?

- No no no no.
- No? Why?

No no no no no no no.

No!

No.

Here's the weather for today.

We're expecting hail...

No no! [Screams]

And gale force winds...

Help.

- [Screams]
- Jack: Oh, woo!

- Woo!
- Oh!

Oh!

Both: And a torrential downpour.

[Gasps]

Poor little feller.
Oh-ho, look at that.

Nice.

You guys, we can do this.

She's an old woman.

We just have to keep up this
lie for another or years.

Phil, come on. You have
to tell her the truth.

- Why?
- Look at me!

No, she's right, Phil.

Dude, we have to get
back to our real lives.

No, you can't make me go back!

I don't want to live in
a world without faux fur.

Okay, fine.

I will tell Mama the truth.

Jerry!

Kims!

Tonight we dine like Kings.

We're going to the beach to collect
the seaweed and the washed up pip-pips.

I don't know what a pip-pip is, but
I'm telling you I am not gonna eat one.

No, Mama, there's
something I must tell you.

These people, they're not...

My family is...

Phil, what are you trying to say?

Joan is not my wife.

No!

- Jerry is not my son!
- No!

And Kim is not my daughter.

[Shouts] No...

Body could be happier
about the Kim news.

I am a failure, Mama.

This is not my family.

- I do not own this store.
- Oh.

I'm but a simple falafel flinger.

Falafel!

You're a disgrace!

Pack your things! We're
going back to Hachmachistan.

You don't have family here. Oh!

[Speaks Hachmachi]

Good-bye, everybody. I will miss you.

Wait.

Yes, he does have a family.

Us.

But you're just a pretend family.

We love each other. That's not pretend.

And we're always there for each other.

And that's the best kind of
family that a man can have.

You did this because you love my Phil?

Yeah, and we'd do it again.

Hang on, hon'.

Okay, I'm wearing yak slacks and I have two
giant Caterpillars walking across my face.

Maybe you people are right.

The important thing is
that my Phil be happy.

And you people make him happy.

- Everybody stand together.
- Why?

I want to take a picture
of my son's family.

Kim, move a little bit to the left.

A little more.

A little more.

You don't want me in
the picture, do you?

You are very smart for
such a hideous creature.

[Music]

Good. Hup!

A little more extension. Hup!

Awesome, that's great,
guys. Let's take a break.

So Kim, any word on when your
eyebrows will be back to normal?

My doctor doesn't know how Mima did it.

But he thinks that it'll
be about three weeks.

They're really not even...

I mean, they're hardly...

Three weeks?