08x10 - Aunt Bee and the Lecturer

[bunniefuu]

We were now deep
into the mato grosso jungle...

An almost impenetrable maze
of vines and trees

behind which lurked...
We knew not what.

Savages, wild beasts

just waiting to hurl
their vengeance upon us.

I ain't never goin' there.

There's obviously
an element of danger.

We had...Sent runners ahead
to try to determine

if there were any unfriendly
natives in the area,

but due to the almost total
lack of communications

we were forced
to proceed anyway.

When suddenly...
As if from nowhere...

This spear came hurtling
out of the underbrush

missing my head by just

a matter of a very few inches.

This very spear!

Must have been one
of those savages.

That'd be my guess.

Fortunately, most of the natives

we met in the interior
of Brazil were friendlier.

Still, whenever I was
invited to dinner

I never knew whether
I was the guest or the entrée.

That was a good one.

Well, I see I've been
rambling on here

for a couple of hours.

You've been a most
attentive audience.

Now, if you'd like...

I'm finished with the spear,
miss Edwards.

Certainly, professor.

I was about to say...
Now, if you'd like

we could have
a question and answer period.

If there are
any questions at all

you have about south America

I would be happy to answer them

to the very best of my ability.

There are many interesting facts
about south America

that I've been able to,
uh...To...I-I...

The...the...
The limit, uh...

Oh, allow me.

Oh, thank you, professor.

Allow me.

There we are.

Thank you.

Now, then...
Are there any questions?

Oh, yes?

I was, uh, very interested
in your early reference

to the flora and fauna
of south America.

Did I understand you to say

that orchids grow wild
down there?

In profusion.

Pink, blue, yellow, purple...
All colors, just beautiful.

Oh, my, that must be glorious.

And I'll bet that's one place

they don't cost $ apiece,
either.

Are there any other questions?

Oh, yes, miss Edwards?

Professor, of all the wildlife
you've ever encountered

which would you say
was the most dangerous?

Well, miss Edwards,
I would say that was a toss-up

between a wounded leopard
and a lovely girl.

Oh...

It looks like Clara's got
quite a case of the professor.

Well, he's got everything she
likes in a man... he's single.

And now, if there are
no further questions

I will simply say...
Kongo molo, bolo,

which means
"good night and thank you."

Now, for those of you
who would care to purchase

a copy of my book,
I know south America,

if you'll
just step right over here

I'll be very happy
to autograph it for you.

You know, Andy, I
was wondering...

I understand the professor's

going to stay over
till tomorrow.

Don't you think, as sheriff

you ought to invite
him for dinner?

Okay, I'll go ask him.

Excuse me.

Oh, that should be very
educational for Opie...

To meet a man like that.

Yes.

Fascinating evening, wasn't it?

It certainly brought
south America to Mayberry.

I just want to wait

till they all get their books.

I think it's my duty

to invite him to stay for
dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, Clara...

What's the matter?

Well, Andy's over there now

inviting him to our house
for dinner.

Why, that's a violation
of protocol.

Andy happens to be sheriff.

Well, I'm chairman of
the hospitality committee.

I think that takes care
of the matter completely.

Uh, well...I'm sorry, Clara.

Well, if you come over
to our house for dinner

won't that solve everything?

Oh...well...

All right.

Sevenish?

Fine.

That was fast thinking.

I never would have
heard the end of it.

Come on, let's stand outside.

There we are.

Thank you, sheriff.

I would be very happy
to come to dinner.

Oh, good, good.

Oh...who is that lady
in the blue dress?

That's my aunt.

Now, Opie, only one helping
of chicken tonight.

I cooked it in wine.

And don't either of you
slam any doors.

I don't want my soufflé to fall.

It fell last time,
and we didn't slam anything.

You want to take your sweater
upstairs?

Oh, I do hope the evening
proves a success for Clara.

She certainly is pointing
for the professor.

Betty said she spent three hours
in the beauty parlor today.

Well, I hope they hit it off.

I better get upstairs
and tidy up.

Answer that, Andy, will you?

Oh.

Andy.

Well, Clara.

Clara, how nice you look.

Oh, why, thank you, Helen.

I just reached into my closet
and grabbed the first thing.

Hello, Opie.

Hi, miss Edwards.

Gee, that's the dress I saw

in madam Olga's window
this morning.

Uh, shall we sit down?

Wonderful idea.

Whoop, that's bound to be
the guest of honor.

Now, stand up straight.

Oh, professor. Come in. Sheriff.

Did you have any trouble
finding the place?

No, no. I just took a fix on
the north star, and here I am.

Oh!

Oh, miss Edwards,
what a pleasant surprise.

I thought we were just ships
that passed in the night.

But apparently
on the same course.

Uh, this is miss crump.

Ah, to further decorate
the festive bowl.

Well, how do you do?

And my son, Opie.
Professor St. John.

Hi.
Hello, Opie.

What grade are you in?

Eighth.

We already finished
south America.

We have a lot in common.
I'm finished with it, too.

And how did you spend your day
in Mayberry, professor?

Well, exploring, as usual,
miss Edwards.

I came across a marvelously
quaint little spot...

Myers' lake.

Oh, yes,
it's a very popular rendezvous

with the, uh, picnickers.

Oh, well, I'll have to
keep that in mind...

Miss Edwards.

Oh...

Ah, the lady of the house.

Professor, I'd like you
to meet my aunt bee.

Miss Taylor,
professor St. John.

I'm most happy to meet
you, miss Taylor.

So nice of you to come.

Well...

Oh, Clara,
what a beautiful dress.

It's brand-new.

She just got it today.

I'm really...Most happy
to meet you, miss Taylor.

Thank you. Um...

Well, dinner'll be ready
in just a minute.

Why don't we have
some elderberry wine.

It's Andy's own recipe.

Excuse me.

Uh, professor...

My phone simply hasn't
stopped ringing all day.

Nothing but compliments
for my having brought you here.

Oh, well,
that's very nice to hear.

Bee... that's the diminutive
for Beatrice, isn't it?

Oh, well, I haven't
been called Beatrice

since I was a little girl.

Pity. It's such a classic name.

In Latin,
it means "she who makes happy."

Oh? How nice.

There we are.

Well, I guess I'd better
see about dinner.

I'll-I'll give her a hand.

Is there anything wrong
with the way I look?

You look just fine to me.

Well, why does he keep
staring at me like that?

Well, I think you've
got yourself an admirer.

Nonsense. No.

It's the way he stares at
me that has me puzzled.

Like he's staring
right through me.

Well, aunt bee, I'm just
an innocent bystander

but I think he's just
very interested in you.

No, no...There's
more to it than that.

I can just feel it.

I'm amazed at how
long you stay away

on these jungle trips
of yours, professor.

It must get very lonely for you.

Well, really...

I suppose it would be different

if there was somebody
at home waiting for you.

Well, actually, I...

Uh, some more chicken,
professor?

Hubert.

Hubert.

No, no, thank you.

I want to save a little room
for your...Nesselrode pie.

Oh.

Opie...

Poor Opie hasn't been able
to get a word in.

Opie, don't you have something
you want to ask our guest?

Uh...uh...

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Professor St. John,
is it true that Bogota

is still
the capital of Columbia?

Yes, yes, Opie.

And Quito is still
the capital of Ecuador.

Oh, well, what do you know.

We learn something every day,
don't we?

How long do you expect to grace
our fair city, professor?

Well, I had planned
to leave tomorrow

but I may change my plans.

There are certain
things in Mayberry

that I find more interesting

than anything else I've seen
anywhere else in the world.

Oh, dear...

Oh, Clara, is there
something wrong?

I've just developed the
most dreadful headache.

I'm so sorry, Hubert,
but I'll simply have to go home.

Hubert, you don't mind?

Oh, not at all.

You run along, my dear.

Well, I was planning
to drop you off at the hotel.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'll enjoy the walk.

Oh...very well.

Oh, Clara...

Clara...I'm sorry
you don't feel well.

Don't be so naive.

I never met such
a bore in my life.

I don't know how
you can stand him.

And that brings us up to

when I moved in
with Andy and Opie.

Fascinating.

You're staring at me again.

No, no, I'm not staring.

I'm just waiting
for another plate.

Oh...oh, this is awful...

A distinguished guest
washing dishes

but you insisted, Hubert.

Correct. But tomorrow

things are going
to be different.

Tomorrow we're going to
eat from paper plates.

We're going on a little picnic.

You and I?

Is it a date?

Oh...

Yes, all right.

Good.

Well...

Well, I don't want to
wear out my welcome.

Guess I'd better be
running along, huh?

Very well.

Hello, son.

Did I wake you?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Uh, listen, I have to stay over
for a little while in Mayberry.

Yes, I have a very
important picnic tomorrow.

Listen, Jonathan...

Something very strange
has happened.

Well, I met
the most marvelous woman.

Her name is Beatrice Taylor,
and really, if I...

Well, I'll tell you
what's so marvelous about her...

She is the carbon copy
of your sainted mother.

Well...

Andy.

How was the picnic?

I can't remember

when I've had a more
glorious afternoon.

Oh, that's Myers' lake for you.

Well, see you at : , Andy.

Are...are you
coming to dinner?

No, no.
Taking her to dinner.

Oh.

See you.

Well...

I hear you had yourself
quite an afternoon.

Hmm, quite an afternoon.

What's the matter?

You look like
you just saw a ghost.

I didn't see a ghost.

I am a ghost.

Well, what happened?

Well...

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to pry.

Well, aren't you
going to even ask me

what I don't want to talk about?

Okay, what don't you want
to talk about?

Well...no, I just
can't talk about it.

I'll tell you.

Uh, Andy...

I discovered what
my fatal charm is.

I remind him
of his late wife, Ethel.

Oh, so that's it.

I look like Ethel.

I talk like Ethel.

I crinkle my nose when I laugh
like Ethel.

I even bake nesselrode pie
like Ethel.

Well, that is a coincidence.

I'm not so sure I like it.

Well, everybody reminds somebody
of somebody.

I know, but it's very annoying.

Well, look at it this way.

The fine qualities
he saw in his late wife

he now finds in you.

I know, but I like to be liked
as bee Taylor

not as
Ethel Montgomery St. John.

Aunt bee, I guarantee you
that before he knows it

that unique personality
that is bee Taylor

will come shining through.

You think so?

I'm sure of it.

Now why don't you run upstairs

and rest up
for your big date tonight.

How was the picnic, aunt bee?

Fine.

Are you going to marry him?

Oh, Opie, what a thing to ask.

Was that such a stupid question?

Well, let's say it was
just a little premature

if you know what I mean.

Yeah, well,
I'll ask again tomorrow.

Why do they always have
slippery forks

in Italian restaurants?

Ethel had exactly
the same problem.

I think if we lived in Italy

she would have starved to death.

Here, Beatrice, let me show you.

May I?

See, it is all in
the wrist movement

like that, Beatrice.

Let me try.

No, I think I've had enough.

Oh, well, at least have
another glass of chianti, eh?

No, no, no. One is enough.

The second glass always...

Makes you feel giddy?

Yes. How did you know?

Ethel was exactly the same way.

You know, I could
remember once...

Hubert, what do you think
about the situation in Asia?

The situation...

I'd much rather talk about you.

Well, I'm very flattered

but I'm, you know,
running out of material.

When you get up in the morning,
are you grumpy

or do you jump out of bed
and start singing like a bird?

Is that interesting to you?

Everything about you
is interesting to me.

Oh.

Well, I, I don't sing
like a bird

but I am disgustingly cheerful
in the morning.

You know, I would have made
a bet on that.

Ethel?

Exactly.

Oh, hoo.

Clara.

Well, hello, miss gadabout.

I'm surprised that
you can break away

at the height of
the picnic season.

Oh, this town has big ears.

Well, beulah albright's
son, Harold,

just happened to be
fishing at Myers' lake.

And does beulah know

where we had dinner last night?

Well, it's no concern of mine

but frankly, I've always thought

Italian cooking
didn't agree with you.

Neither does idle gossip.

Well, I do want you to know,
bee, how happy I am for you.

Well, there's no need to be.

Oh?

Well...

Clara, are you my best friend
or aren't you?

Why, of course I am, bee,
and anything you tell me

I'll try to keep
from going any further.

Well, to be
perfectly honest, Clara,

there's a big stumbling block
in my relationship with Hubert.

What what?

His wife.

You mean he's still married?

Oh, no.
He lost her ten years ago.

And she showed up again.

No. Not the way you think.

I'm the image of his late wife.

Oh, you poor thing.

You poor, poor thing.

Everything about me reminds him
of his "darling Ethel."

I'm a homebody like Ethel.

I'm quiet like Ethel.

I'm everything like Ethel.

Down to her nesselrode pie.

Oh, you poor thing.

You poor, poor thing.

Well, Andy says it'll pass.

What do men know?

Do you want to live
in the shadow of another woman?

No. No.

Then break it off before you
torment yourself to distraction.

I'm your best friend, bee,
and I say break it off.

Break it off.

Well, the way I see it,

there's nothing to break off.

He's leaving tomorrow afternoon

and he hasn't proposed.

The day isn't over yet

and I have a feeling
it's coming.

Well, I'll just have to tell him

I can't see him anymore.

Hmm, I don't think
that would mean much

to the professor.

It'd just make you
that much more desirable.

Yes. Forbidden fruit.

I was just thinking...

Maybe there's a way

we could get him
to turn you down.

But to him I'm irresistible.

Yeah, but you got
a pretty good idea

of the kind of woman Ethel was.

Have I.

Well, suppose
you suddenly became

the kind of woman Ethel wasn't.

Oh, Andy.

What a wicked idea.

Sorry.

Will you help me?

Oh, come in, professor.
Come in.

My aunt will be down
in a few minutes.

Sit down over here.

Thank you.

There we are.

You know, I plan a rather
serious chat with your aunt.

Is that right?

Yes. I'm very fond
of her, you know?

She's a fine woman.

And I must admit

that not the least
important reason is

that she so closely resembles

my late wife, Ethel.

Oh, is that right?

Well, she must have been
quite a swinger.

What?

Oh, you said my aunt

resembles your late wife.

Yeah. Uh, uh, swinger?

Oh, aunt bee's the kind of woman
you can't hold down.

She's just always on the go.

So your Ethel must have been
quite a woman.

Well, that's strange.

I had the impression

that, uh, your aunt
was more of a homebody.

Well, she is
when you can keep her at home

but she's always on the go.

New York, Florida.

She just loves
the bright lights.

She doesn't enjoy her home

and puttering around
the kitchen?

Well, she does it
when she has to,

like when we have company
or something

but it's, it's nothing
that really interests her.

Hi, Hubert.

I've put on something dressy.

They've opened up a new
nightclub over in mt. Pilot

called the bombo pilot.

How about doing
a little swinging?

Swinging?

Yes. Why not?

Well, you know,
frankly, uh, bee,

I had planned on
a more quiet evening.

Oh, come on, Hubert,
that's for old folks.

Live a little.
Live a little.

That's my motto, isn't it, Andy?

That's what you've always said.

And I've got tomorrow
all planned.

We're going to go to the races

and after that, we're going

to the delightful
little roadhouse

called, uh...Fatty's place.

I, I had no idea

that, uh, those things
meant so much to you, bee.

Oh, you sound disappointed,
Hubert.

Well, no. I, uh...

I suppose the time has come
to speak frankly.

Bee, I want you to know

that I still have
a very high regard for you

but the fact is
that we seem to be

miles apart as far as

our personal interests
are concerned.

I mean, Ethel was more...

Then I suppose there's
nothing more to be said, eh?

Better be running along.

Goodbye, Hubert.

Goodbye, bee.

Oh...

You think
we did the right thing?

Aw, I felt kind of sorry
for him.

Well, look at it this way.

If he thought you
were a second Ethel

somewhere out there
there's got to be a third.

Hmm.

Professor.

Hmm?

Are you leaving?

Yes. I thought I'd leave
on the : train.

Oh. Well, that would give you
plenty of time

to stop by my house

for a nice piece
of nesselrode pie.

Of course,
we could stop by the diner

but I'm just a homebody,
you know?

Well, I...
Oh.

Now I feel better.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Andy.

Oh, Andy, I saw Clara today.

Oh, did you?
Mm-hmm.

How did, uh, that thing work out

between Clara and the professor?

Well, I gather
nothing came of it.

The professor left yesterday
on the : train.

Aww.
Was she very upset?

No. You know Clara.
She bounces right back.

She's busy planning
her next lecture.

Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.

What's it gonna be about?

Outer Mongolia.

You're kidding.

No, that's what
it's gonna be about.

Well, I can understand
south America,

but some guy talking
about outer Mongolia...

Why would she ever hire
a lecturer like that?

Well, he's the only she could
dig up that's not only single,

but he's never
been married before.

Oh.