08x21 - Barney Hosts a Summit Meeting

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Andy Griffith Show". Aired: October 1960 to April 1968.*

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Andy Taylor who is a widowed sheriff raises his son in Mayberry, N.C.
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08x21 - Barney Hosts a Summit Meeting

Post by bunniefuu »

Boy, it sure is a puzzler,
chief.

Why, out of all the states
in the south,

did Washington pick
north Carolina

to have a summit meeting?

Look, American representative
is in Washington, right?

And the Russian representative

is just finishing
a cruise to somewhere,

and he's down in Florida.

Now, we can't expect
the American

to chase down to Florida

or the Russian
to chase up to Washington,

so they pick
a nice in-between spot

to have the meeting...
That's us.

Somebody want to get this door?

So, what Washington wants

is a small, anonymous,
out-of-the-way town,

but one that still has
good local police security.

This is a meeting between
top government officials,

and the main thing
is to keep it quiet.

What town are you suggesting?

Well, I thought
we'd run down the roster

and pick the best one.

You know, on the basis
of location, sheriff,

things like that.

I know just the town you fellas
are looking for... Mayberry.

What about arbon county?

Anybody know anything
about that?

Mayberry.
That's the town you want.

The sheriff down there
is just...

Fife, I thought you were gonna
get us all some coffee.

I did, chief.
It's right there.

Oh. I don't see
any cream and sugar.

How about that?

Huh?

Oh. Well, I'll, uh...

All right.

If I call one
that sounds right, yell.

Davis county.

Elkhart, filmore.

Sheriff Taylor.

Well, who's calling collect?

Oh, yeah, I'll take it.

Barney!

How are you?

Listen, ange, I can't talk now.

I'm right in the middle
of a big meeting

here at headquarters,

but I can tell you this much.

I'm working on somethin' big
for you and the whole town,

and, Andy, I mean
this is something really big.

It's big.

What's it's all about?

I can't say on the phone.

Remember when we brought
the gold shipment

through Mayberry?

Remember how big
we thought that was?

This is bigger?

How'd you know?

Well, you said it was big.

Oh, it's big, Andy, big.

Fife?

Uh...listen,
I got to go now, Andy.

They're calling me
back to the meeting.

Fife, where's the
cream and sugar?!

Uh...uh, comin'.

You'd think once in a while

they could make a decision
by themselves.

Now, listen, Andy,
I'll keep in touch.

Meantime, keep this quiet.

It's top secret,
it's confidential,

and it's important.

And it's big.

Oh! Big.

Lostrow county...

Mayberry...

Mayberry...

That's sheriff Taylor
down there, isn't it?

Yeah.

Didn't someone mention
Mayberry earlier?

Well, all right, Mayberry it is.

Now, that's step one.

Step two... we need a house,

uh, a nice big house, so
the meeting stays informal.

Here you are, chief.

Cream...sugar...
And saccharin

for those of us
that like to watch it.

Hey, chief, Fife
is from down there.

Why don't we ask him?

Huh

ask me what?

Fife...

There's going to be

a big summit meeting
held in this state.

Uh-huh.

Now, the spot we've
selected for it is Mayberry.

You're kidding.

That's wonderful.

I'm glad I was able...

You know the town
and the people.

Sure. Oh, yeah.

We need a nice, good-sized house

to hold the conference.

Uh-huh. Sure.

Do you think you
and sheriff Taylor,

could get one of the
townspeople to give us that?

Are you kidding?

What do you want?

The kiwanis club meeting hall?

The moravian church basement?

The banquet room
at the blue view motel?

What do you want?

No-no-no, we need a house

a mansion, and we
need it tomorrow.

That's short notice,
but that's deliberate

so we can keep
the meeting quiet,

keep away the sightseers.

Yeah, well, I'll get down there

first thing in the morning.

And when you get the place,

give us a call and
we'll bring the people.

Right.

Fife...

Now, this is history
we're dealing with,

and you're a part of it.

Any questions?

Uh, well, yeah.

Uh, do I get a travel voucher
or do I just lay it out myself?

You'll get a travel voucher.

Well, Barney!

Hi, ange.

Want to drop what you're doing
and sit down?

We got things to discuss.

Well, now, what is this

just barely saying hello
to an old friend?

Now, come on.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

I guess it's livin'
in the big city

that's done that to me.

We're used to a faster pace
up there, you know.

Oh, y'are?

Oh, yeah, I don't even
take the time

to stop and say hello

to anybody in the lobby
of the Raleigh ymca.

There's always somebody
in the lobby...

Either usin'
the public typewriter

or eatin' a pear.

Huh.

Well, here, sit down

and tell me what
brings you to town.

Well...

Ange...

Here's the scoop, ange.

There's this big
summit conference

that's gonna take place
right here in our state,

and yours truly swung it

so it'd be held
right here in Mayberry.

Right here in Mayberry?

Yeah.

Right here?
Yeah.

You're kidding.

No.

Summit conference.

Well...

What do we have to do?

Well, what we need is a house...
A good-sized house

so they'll accommodate
all them public officials.

And I was thinkin'
about old man McCabe's place.

Well, gee, I don't...

I don't know whether
Mr. McCabe would want us

holdin' a big meetin'
over at his house.

See, he's been livin' by
himself all these years,

just him and his housekeeper.

Andy, I used to...

I used to play
in his front yard.

I used to steal apples
out of his orchard.

It's not like a stranger
askin' for this.

It's me, Barney Fife, the scamp.

The what?

The scamp...
That's what he used to call me

when I was a young fella.

Come on, let's get over there
and ask him.

The old place
hasn't changed a bit, huh, ange?

No.

Over there's
where we used to play...

Run, sheep, run...
Early, early, urchin free,

one, two, three, red light.

Yeah...

And right up there's

where old man McCabe
used to yell down,

"Barney, you scamp!"

Yeah.

Now, here I am, all growed up

and on a mission
for my government.

Only in America, huh, ange?

Yeah.

I don't hear anything.

I don't believe
anybody's at home.

Hmm.

Door's open.

Barney.

Barney!

Barney, what...
What are you doing?

You can't just walk
in a man's house like this.

I just want to take a
look around and make sure.

Barney, Mr. McCabe
isn't even home...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well...

It's perfect, just perfect.

Barney, you haven't
asked the man yet.

Hadn't we better
come back later or call?

Call, yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah, I got to call.

What are you doing?

Hello, operator?

Get me police headquarters

in Raleigh, please.

What are you doing?

They told me when I
landed a house, to call.

I'm callin'.

Well, hadn't you better wait

and ask Mr. McCabe first?

You don't think he'd
turn me down, do you?

Why, he...

Uh, just a second.

Uh, hello?

Hello, uh, get me
chief dewhurst, please.

Oh, hi, chief.

It's me...Your man
in Mayberry. Yeah.

Look, I turned up a great
house for the conference,

so just send your summit
people right on down.

Hey, Barney...

Sheriff Taylor's
right here with me.

Gimme, gimme...

You want to hold on, ange?

Yeah. All right,
here's what I'll do.

I'll meet you at the
intersection of the town limits

and I'll lead you
right to the place.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, no,
he's right here with me.

Let me say something.

Yeah, okay, so long, chief.

It's all set.

What'd you do that for?

I bet
that's Mr. McCabe now.

Now, you better
figure out something to say.

I know what'll get
to him. Come on.

Yeah, it's him all right.

Watch this, ange.

Run, sheep, run.

Early, early, urchin free.

One, two, three, red light.

What the devil's goin' on...

And what's the sheriff
doin' here anyway?

Hi, Mr. McCabe.

It's me, sheriff Taylor.

And me, the scamp.

What's going on, sheriff?

What's happened?

Was this fella
tryin' to break in?

Hello, there, Mr. McCabe.

Mr. McCabe, this
is Barney Fife.

Did you know that he
played in your yard

and stole apples
from your orchard?

Hi, Mr. McCabe.

Why...he ought
to be ashamed of himself...

Big fella like that.

Why isn't he in school, anyway?

Well, see, he doesn't
go to school anymore.

Oh, I see, a dropout, eh?

Yeah, a big dropout.

He looks like a dropout.

Look at that slump,
that slack jaw

and all that hair.

Uh, Mr. McCabe,
the reason we stopped by is

we wanted to ask you somethin'.

And so you
just walked right in, eh?

Just because you're sheriff,

that doesn't give you the right
to bust into people's houses.

Mr. McCabe,
could we ask you one thing?

Don't you dare

talk to me, you...
You dropout...

And get off my property,
before I call the police...

The sta police.

Let's go, Barn.
Mr. McCabe,

couldn't I just...

All right, I warned you.

Police!
Police!

Mr. McCabe!

Police!
Mr. McCabe!

Police!
Mr. McCabe!

Police!

Mister...
Andy, Andy...

Barney, Barney, get in the car.

Just get in the car.

Police! Just get in the car.

Well, what do I do now?

You do what I told you to.

You call your chief

and tell him you didn't
have a house after all

and for him
to look somewheres else.

Andy, I can't do that.

That could mean my job.

Well...

I'll...I'll help you
make the call.

I'll tell him
it wasn't your fault.

Yeah, get me the Raleigh police.

I'll tell him that you tried,

but it just didn't work out.

Now, what can they say?

Now, here,
you talk to your chief first,

and then I'll talk to him.

Go ahead.

Now, there.

Hello?

Uh, could I, uh,
speak to, uh, uh,

chief dewhurst, please?

Huh?

What's the matter?

Well, they're on their way.

They're all on their way

to the big summit
meeting in Mayberry.

It's really a shame

that we couldn't come
up with one house

where the folks
wouldn't mind them

coming in and having a meeting.

Just a nice, friendly,
cozy house.

But who?

Who in the world?

Ange.

No.

Ange, listen.
No, no, no.

What would be wrong
with your house?

No. Forget it.
Forget it.

I've got four bedrooms
and / bathrooms

so just forget it.

But, ange, it's the
only choice we've got.

Well, I mean, I don't have
any choice left.

This is a favor to me, Andy.

It's the only thing left

to pull this out of the fire.

Otherwise...well, otherwise

I just might as well
not go back to Raleigh

because I'd just,
I'd just be just finished!

Let's go.

Huh?

Well, I've got to go warn
aunt bee.

You mean you'll do it?

Well, I said let's go.

I'll be right with you.

Who's coming here to do what?

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry

to spring it on you
like this, aunt bee.

Oh, Andy, not today.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

They should be here anytime.

All right, young fella,

let's get that vehicle
off the street.

b*at it.

They're here.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Oh, Andy, look at
those curtains.

Don't worry about the curtains.

Here.

Now...

Uh, come right in, gentlemen.

Step right in.

Come right in.

Uh...

Uh, here we have
our genial host himself

sheriff Andy Taylor.

And the little lady

is the sheriff's aunt,
bee Taylor.

Andy, aunt bee,
I believe you know

my, uh, chief, captain dewhurst.

Sheriff.

And this is
the distinguished representative

from the United States,
Mr. Clifford.

How do you do, sheriff?

And this gentleman here
serves as the interpreter.

This is Mr. Ruskin.

And here we have
the distinguished representative

from Russia, mister...

How do you pronounce
his name again?

Vasilievich.

Uh-huh.


Uh, and these are
their assistants.

Gentlemen, just make yourselves
right at home.

You can start summiting
any time you like.

Uh, Mr. Vasilievich
would like to know

is this a rest stop?

Well, uh, no.

Uh, th-this is it.

Uh, this is your u.N.
Away from the u.N.

Is this the house you selected

for our meeting?

This?

I don't understand, sir.

When we get back to Raleigh,
I'm going to k*ll you.

Well...

Uh, Mr. Vasilievich,
I'm terribly sorry.

There seems to have been
a change in plans.

Would you like to go on?

It doesn't matter.

He will meet here.

Very well.

We thank you kindly for
the use of your house

sheriff, miss Taylor.

It's a pleasure.

Well, would you gentlemen
like to freshen up?

We have / baths, you know.

What are they doing?

Meeting.

Don't see Barney.

Where did he disappear to?

Well, he expects to do
a lot of standing around

so he went uptown to
get some foot powder.

Don't you think we
ought to fix them a bite?

Not unless they ask for it.

We have to leave them alone.

What could we serve them?

You could run into mt. Pilot
and bring back some Chinese.

I don't think the Russians
would appreciate that.

Listen, let's not
worry about it.

Let's just leave them alone.

All they want is
peace and quiet.

Don't let us disturb
your meeting

but I wonder

if we couldn't get one picture.

I'll take one with
you in the group,

then you take one with me in it.

Everybody look this
way and say cheese.

Uh, folks, folks, I'm sorry.

You can't stay here.

Barney said it'd be all right.

I don't care what Barney said.

You can't, you can't stay.

Goober, stop taking pictures.

Paw, I live here.

Oh, well...

Barney, get in here.

Paw, I've got to...

Well, hurry.

Excuse us, gentlemen.

Excuse us.

Don't you have any smart at all?

Telling goober
he could come in here

and take pictures!

I didn't tell him
he could come in.

I told him he could peek
through the porch window.

Please!

They must want something.

Yes, sir?

Please. We're trying
to get some work done.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You want to hold it down
in there, ange?!

I'm sorry that
we've disturbed you.

No, no.

I think we'd better quit now

and get a fresh start
in the morning.

Is there a hotel nearby?

A hotel?

Oh, Mr. Clifford,
we'd be very hurt

if you didn't spend
the night with us.

Oh, and I took the Liberty

of making you gentlemen a snack.

Well, we don't want
to put you out.

Uh, would Mr. Vasilievich
like to stay?

Uh, he says as long
as we are in it this far,

we may as well go all the way.

Oh, good.

Well, thank you.

We'll have these sandwiches

you were good enough to prepare

and then get
a good night's sleep.

Barney and I will sleep down
at the courthouse

and Opie can sleep here
on the couch.

And then that should leave
plenty of room

for all of you.

And besides, I don't think

you'd care for
the Mayberry hotel anyways.

I heard they just had
the exterminators in there.

"Pick-les."

"Pick"

mmm, pickles.

Mr. Vasilievich...

Did we both have the same idea?

Are you hungry?

Huh?

Hungry?

Hungry. Da.

I don't blame you.

So am I.

We didn't have very much dinner.

What do we got here?

Huh?

Uh, here's something.

Oh, here you are.

It, uh, got very
lonely upstairs.

Mr. Ruskin, sit down
and help yourself.

You must be starved.

Thank you.
I am.

Mr. Vasilievich,
this is what we call in America

raiding the icebox.

Raiding the icebox.

Miss Taylor, I hope
we didn't disturb you.

No, but I thought
I heard somebody

down here in the kitchen.

Oh, you're hungry,
you poor things.

I hope you don't mind
our helping ourselves.

No!

Raiding icebox.

That's just fine,
but what a way to eat.

You sit right down.

My mother always said

if you eat standing up,
it goes right to your legs.

Let's see what we have here.

Some potato salad.

There you are.

Salad.

Potato salad.

Mmm. Mmm.

Here you are... some forks.

Let's see what else
we have here.

Meat loaf and bread pudding.

I made some bread pudding.

Oh, you don't have
anything to drink.

Let me fix you some coffee.

Well, this is wonderful.

We could continue
our meeting right here

couldn't we?

Miss Taylor, would that
be all right with you?

Why, of course.

I'll be very quiet
and I won't disturb you.

Oh, dear, if I knew
there was going to be

a summit meeting in my kitchen

I would have washed the floor.

Well, hope the others
slept all right.

'Cause if they didn't...

They're leaving.

Does it look to you
like they're leaving?

Yeah, it does.

It didn't work out,
and they're leaving.

Oh, boy, I did it
again, didn't I?

Come on.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, sheriff.

I was going to call you later.

There was something
I wanted to explain

to you, Mr. Clifford...

Both you and...
How do you say his name?

Vasilievich.

Yeah. I know this
wasn't exactly the setup

that you were looking for.

It couldn't have
worked out better.

As a matter of fact,
it was perfect.

But you're leaving?

Because we're finished.

And your kitchen last night
did it.

What?

We had several rather
delicate points to settle

but the atmosphere
in your kitchen

during the night was so...
Pleasant, so congenial,

that we were able to have

a most successful,
uninterrupted discussion.

Well, isn't that nice?

So my congratulations
to whoever it was

that steered us here

to a quiet, informal meeting

in a homey kitchen

with a charming,
charming hostess.

Well...

Here's your man right here.

This fellow?

Well, congratulations.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Wasn't it?

Oh, Mr. Clifford.

Mr. Clifford, here now.

Don't you forget these.

What's this?

Sandwiches for the road.

Now you know you'll get hungry.

Oh, thank you.

Sandwich.

He says he has gained
ten pounds.

It should happen to you.

You're a character,
you know that?

How do you say his name again?

Vasilievich.

I'm just about unwinding,
you know that, ange?

Me, too.

It was nice of the chief
to give me a couple days off.

Well, you deserve it.

Well...

Yeah, you build up
a lot of tension

in an operation like that.

Yeah.

You know something, Barn?

You might look at it this way...

You were dealing with history.

Well, yeah, that's right.

'Course, I suppose
nobody will ever know

I had a part in it,

'cept maybe a few people
around here.

Well...yeah.

But I guess that's the way
it's always been

when you look back.

I mean, somebody must have
arranged Washington's trip

across the Delaware.

Yeah.

And then somebody
must have planned

for pershing and the kaiser
to get together.

I guess so.

That's world w*r I.
Yeah.

But nobody will ever know
who they were.

No.

But I guess that's the way
the ball bounces, ange.

Those of us who chart
the course of world events

shall forever remain nameless.
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