04x07 - Invasion of the Ghost Pirates

[bunniefuu]

How cool is it that they found the
remains of the feared pirate longshanks

when they added that new parking lot?

Hey, why'd they call him longshanks?

Well, have you seen the man's shanks?

Uh, I'm sure they're not that...

Whoa.

Bro, those are some pretty long shanks.

I love pirate fest.

A whole week of pirate fun, and it
drums up business for the wharf.

Hey, uh, don't you think the
people that get so into it

that they dress up are a little weird?

No, I don't, Jack. I
think they're exactly...

There be me scurvy dogs!

Arrr!

Yep, little weird.

Rudy, I see you're really
into pirate fest, huh?

You got the boots, the pantaloons...
Oh yeah, I even had Fred the barber

duct tape a couple of hooks to my hands.

What happens when you
have to go to the bathroom?

I did not think this through.

I'm back, and I got 'em.

Milton, you muzzle Jerry,
I'll get the flea shampoo.

What?!

No, I don't have fleas again, guys.

No, I got mama G's tamales.

I went all the way to Arizona to
get 'em, and it was so worth it.

Why would you go all the way to Arizona

for some ground beef and soggy corn...

Milton, where are you going?

Arizona!

Milton, relax. You're not going to Arizona.

Ow!

If I have to, I will take your arm with me.

Okay okay.

Never, ever come between
a man and his tamales.

Be warned!

This wharf is cursed!

I hear that, you can't get a date either?

years ago, a lunar
eclipse caused longshanks

to crash into these very shores.

Beware the eclipse.

It returns tonight!

And so will longshanks, to take revenge
on anyone found on this cursed wharf!

Beware!

Well, that was weird.

Uh-oh.

Hey, Jack, we've been friends
for a long time, haven't we?

- Yeah.
- And you know I'd do anything for you.

- Not gonna help you pee, Rudy.
- Mmm.

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

♪ that's just how we do

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you ♪

♪ here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ everybody

♪ won't you come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

♪ that's just how we do

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you. ♪

Hey, Rudy, that old fisherman

yapping about the pirate
curse spook you at all?

Please, I am a grown
man. I don't get scared.

(High-pitched scream)

Ty, what are you doing here?

I had to take a second job.

Oh, so the rumors are true.

That's right, I had hair removed from
some places and added to others.

Were your eyebrows at
one time your pit hair?

No, they were not.

What kind of a freak do you think I am?

I was talking about the rumors that
the black dragon dojo might close.

It's no secret a lot of your students

- are now my students.
- That's right.

Old Ty has fallen on some hard times.

And if you want to kick me while I'm down

and it makes you feel like bigger men...

(Crying) Then you go right ahead.

Look, Ty, we're not
those types of guys...

Hey, erybody, look at Ty!

He's a pit-browed burger jockey.

(Hearty laughing)

Rudy?

He said I could.

Rudy, ok, it's that creepy, old fisherman.

You guys aren't buying into
that dumb ghost story, are you?

- No.
- Little bit.

I mean, no.

I warned you.

Dude, I don't know what's scarier:

Your high-speed vampire travel,
or the booger in your nose.

You got a serious bat in the cave, bro.

Told you to leave before it was too late.

Well, it's too late.

Look, guys...
Longshanks, he's gone.

- What?
- What?

Oh, no no.

The fisherman said that
longshanks would return

with the lunar eclipse and take
revenge on anyone on the wharf.

Look, it's happening.

Oh, no.

Rudy, calm down.

There has to be a logical
explanation for this.

No need to freak out.

(Grunting)

The spirit locked the
door, we can't get in.

We're doomed, we're doomed!

Pull.

We're doomed!

♪ Hey, come on

♪ kickin' it with you.

It sure was nice of your
cousin to let us borrow

his motor home to get
here. We made great time.

Oh, yeah, it helped not
having to make bathroom stops.

Yeah.

Wait, there's no bathroom in there.

There is now.

Hey, yo, where'd the moon go?

Oh, tonight's the lunar eclipse.

Strange events that you can't
explain are known to happen.

Yeah, sure they are.

Oh, they gave me their phone numbers.

Okay, I can't explain that.

Okay, we're next.

Remember, mama G is very strict about
how you order, so watch and do it

just the way I do, okay?

Hello, mama G.

You're looking lovely today.

Can I please have one of
your world-famous tamales?

(Bell rings)

Hello, mama G.

May I please have one of
your world-famous tamales?

(Bell rings)

Oh, thank you. Looks delish.

(Moaning)

You know what this could use?
Just a smidge of hot sauce.

(Gasping)

No tamales for you!

But it was just a smidge, just a smidge.

Uh, no, no, mama G, mama G, forgive
him, he's a friend of mine.

Oh, I'm sorry. I did not know that.

In that case...

No more tamales for you, either!

- What?
- You are both banned.

Who gets banned for a
smidge? It was just a smidge.

Thanks a lot, Milton.

You realize this is the last
tamale I'll ever get from mama G?

You can't get this anywhere, man.

It's a secret recipe.

Wait a minute.

No secret is safe from science.

I can deconstruct that tamale and
know everything that's in it.

And then we can make as
many tamales as we want.

That's a great idea.
There's just one problem...

I can't stop eating this thing!

Stop it, just put it...
Get it out of your mouth.

Will you...
Milton!

Milton: They're ready!

Whoo!

Dude, these are even better than mama G's.

I bet if we sold these, we could
drive mama G's out of business.

Oh, let's do it.

Bro, what is your secret recipe?

I use the rarest, ttest, hoand t, the
red dragon. It only grows on the night

of the lunar eclipse.

Yeahone holiday my Nana
ate a red dragon Chile,

when she bent over to pick up her gifts
she set the Christmas tree on fire.

Let's cook.

Man, this whole haunting of
the wharf thing is my fault.

I'm what the paranormal
experts call "ghost candy."

Okay, look Rudy, I'll admit it.

There are some weird
things going on around here,

but I'm sure you're the only one
that's overreacting this way.

(Ty screams)

The wharf is haunted!

It's all real, and it's all my fault.

I'm what paranormal
experts call "ghost bait."

You? Please, they're not here for you.

They're here for me.

You mean to tell me, if you were
a tormented spirit from beyond,

you wouldn't be all over... this?

Not if I had the option of this.

Oh, really? Well what about this?

Uh, that's nothing.

Have you seen this?

Okay okay okay okay.

What you two are doing is so
much scarier than any ghost.

You guys are getting crazy
over some stolen bones.

They weren't stolen.
Check this out...

I went to tell security
about the missing bones

and they showed me this footage

from the surveillance
camera in the courtyard.

Did you see that?

Longshanks turned his
head right at the camera.

Where'd he go?

I've watched that
times and it still gets me.

All right, I can't explain that video.

But the one thing that I do
know is that ghosts are not real.

You should start believing in ghosts, Jack.

Because you're looking at one.

Take the boy!

(Screaming)

(Laughing)

Okay, guys, we have got to get out of here.

I've got a plan. We'll
sneak out the window,

cut through the bowling alley, and go
out the back doors to the parking lot.

Yeah, that's great. My
car is parked out front

in a sweet spot reserved
for pregnant women.

Wait a second, didn't I help you
with your groceries this morning?

Yep, you did. And I
meant to thank you...

Not one of my eggs was broken.

That's because I did some rearranging.

I made a little nest with the
bread, muffins, and tube socks.

Guys, guys, listen.

I don't hear anything.

I think longshanks is gone.

(Scowls)

(Whispers) He is so not gone.

To the bowling alley.

I can't believe you stole
my night-vision goggles.

What, you think they're gonna help
you see the ghost or something?

No, it's so they don't poke my eyeballs.

That's how they get you.

Give 'em back.

- Absolutely no, no!
- Give 'em back.

Hey Rudy, there's a strange
mist coming from behind you.

Sorry, ghosts make me nervous.

Uh, no, it's a fog, and seems
to be getting thicker.

(Screams)

- Ty!
- Ty!

Oh, no.

Wait, he's gone.

No!

They took Ty.

Ugh! That means he really is ghost bait.

Rudy, let's go.

This is the last batch today, people.

So if you'll please form an orderly
line, we can get through all...

I'd love to see the look on mama G's
face when she realizes how much business

we're taking from her.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I imagined it.

Word on the street is your
tamales are better than mine.

They. Are if you're not seeing it, I'm
fanning myself with a bunch of money.

Whoo!

- You cook for us now.
- (Scoffs)

- (Laughs) I don't think so.
- (Snaps fingers)

Oh, are your big, powerful daughters
supposed to intimidate us?

Well, we will not be intimidated.

All right, sister. We can
do this the easy way...

Or the hard way.

The easy way it is.

All right, all we have to do is
sneak through the bowling alley

and go out the back
door to the parking lot.

Rudy, it's another ghost. This is bad.

I know, if he picks up this
spare he's gonna b*at my record.

Hey, no no no no. That doesn't count.

You stepped over the line.

Oh, and you're dead.

Longshanks: Get off me wharf.

Rudy, it's longshanks. Dude,
we gotta get out of here.

No. No, they're comes a point in a man's
life when he has to stop running...

And start begging.

Oh great, dead pirate.

Will you please...

Back to running. We're
going back to running.

I can't cook anymore, man.

I made a thousand tamales
today. I'm all cooked out, man.

I'm cooked out!

Jerry, calm down.

I have a plan to get us out of here.

See that machine over there?

It's an old a*t*matic tamale maker.

Every time I've gone on a bathroom break,

I've worked on it. I made some adjustments

with some parts of a bicycle and I
linked it to the remote on my keychain.

- What's it gonna do?
- Mama g: Jerry.

I want to talk to you.

You become almost as good a cook as Milton.

We are opening another location in Texas.

You going there.

He's not going anywhere.

Come on, Milton. This could
be a great opportunity for me.

We're done cooking for you.

Oh, is that right?

Let's go home, Jerry.

Hey, so you'll let me know
about the whole Texas thing?

We're going home, Jerry.

Go! No, quick, this way!

Okay, we were wrong about that way!

Not that way.

- Let's go this way.
- Okay.

Not that way.

Uh, let's go that way.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Excuse me, ghost pirates,
if there's any more

of you coming from this general dire...
Oh no, okay, here they are.

What are we gonna do, man?

Arrr!

I told you to get off me wharf!

(Laughing)

Rudy, we can't hit them
but they can hit us.

Oh, that is so not fair.

Wait, this makes no sense.

I can hit some of them but not others.

I bet I can hit this one.

Nope, didn't hit that one.

Go and never return!

(Clicks, humming)

Wait, that's it.

That's it, Rudy. They're being projected.

Some of the ghosts aren't real.

They're just holograms.

Of course.

You can't hurt me. You're just a hologram.

That one's not a hologram.

Don't go up there.

It's scary.

No, wait wait, it's really scary.

Oh, come on, man! Please?

Hey, Jack.

Weirdest thing, the
ghosts locked us in here

and forced us to host a radio show.

One sec...

And we're back, that was "lighthouse love"

going out to Dwight from Wanda.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Pick up some snappy cat cat food
and put some snap in your cat.

(Clicks)

(Whirs down)

You were behind this whole thing?

Hey, the two real guys ran away
once the holograms disappeared.

Ty?

Oh, I see what's going on here.

The pirate ghosts forced you to host
some sort of demonic radio show.

Ty was behind everything.

I told you, Rudy...
Ghosts aren't real.

He tricked us by using
holograms and real people.

Hmm, the old projected
hologram pirate ghost

mixed with non-projected living man
dressed like a pirate ghost routine.

I didn't know what else to do.

I thought if I scared you off,
my students might come back.

(Crying) So I used the
myth of the lunar eclipse

and spent the last of my savings on this
state-of-the-art hologram projector.

Yeah, this is getting a little awkward.

I think I'll just step out.

Oh, name's Shecky Gorkman,
demonic voice impersonator.

Oh, I knew you sounded familiar.

Weren't you the voice of that angry
baby in those diaper commercials?

(Demonic voice) Change me, mommy.

Please don't call the police.

There's gotta be some way I
can make it up to you guys.

Ty, it's not just us.

You ruined pirate fest, and
cost people a lot of money.

How are you gonna make it up to 'em?

I think I've got an idea.

Hey, kids.

Juts five bucks to play blast the pirate.

Who's next?

This is a great idea, Rudy.

This will make up for the
all the money that was lost.

Nice sh*t.

There you go.

I don't want the panda.

I want that big banana.

I thought you turned off
the holographic projector?

I did.

I think we learned something
very important today.

What's that?

I really am ghost candy.

♪ Kickin' it with you.

Yo, what is this thing?

It's the latest in hologram
projection technology.

It can generate up to
different characters.

Rudy said not to touch the settings.

Oh hey, Julie.

This is my new girlfriend, tera.

She's a supermodel and % real.

You know, I'm just gonna leave you
two here for a little girl talk.

Who touched the settings?!

(Theme music playing)