04x11 - Tightroping the Shark

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Kickin' It". Aired: June 13, 2011 - March 25, 2015.*
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Follows a crew of lovable misfits- Jack, Jerry, Milton and Kim - and their Sensei Rudy - at Bobby Wasabi Martial Arts Academy.
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04x11 - Tightroping the Shark

Post by bunniefuu »

All right, I'm going to jump on
this side of the teeter-totter

and we'll keep going up
and down as long as we can.

Oooh, seesaw!

I want a turn!

Rudy, it's not a seesaw.
It's an extreme teeter-totter.

Extreme teeter-totter! I want a turn!

Rudy, this isn't a toy.

It's the same piece of equipment
famous daredevil Spanky danger uses.

Yeah, we have tickets to go see him
at the civic center this weekend.

Oh, you know, my favorite
stuntman was Johnny Hazard.

His famous stunt was being
catapulted across mt. Rushmore.

- Did he make it?
- Nope.

He went in Washington's
ear and out Lincoln's nose.

After that he was known
as the human snot rocket.

- Oh yeah, the snot rocket.
- I love that guy.

Yeah.

All right, Jack. Let's
get our teeter-totter on.

Let's do it.

Where are you going?

- To get you a sandwich.
- (Scoffs)

For the last time, no!

Will someone please tell your friend
I'm not going to go out with him?

(Unison) We've told him.

Jerry, you are just a player.

In fact, you've been rejected
by every single girl in Seaford.

I have not. Oh, yo, Carly.

- You wanna go out?
- (Laughs)

Wha...

- Okay, now I have.
- I have to go.

I'm going to be late for my
volunteer job at the aquarium.

Dude, I don't get it.

I get rejected by girls all the
time and it doesn't bother me.

Why does this one hurt so much?

Because you actually like her.

You guys might not believe this, but old Rudy
has felt the occasional sting of rejection.

- Oh no, I believe it.
- I totally believe it.

- Pretty believable.
- Okay, all right, okay.

Look, my point is whenever I feel
rejected I just look for something

to take my mind off it,
you know, cheer me up.

Like Milton and Jack's stunt.
This is the perfect distraction.

What? You think their stupid circus
act is going to cheer me up?

(Drumroll)

(Screaming)

- (Thuds)
- Whoo-hoo!

Dude, I was wrong. That
totally cheered me up!

Whoo!

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying won't you
come kick it with me? ♪


♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪


♪ that's just how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪


♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you ♪


♪ here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ everybody ♪

♪ won't you come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪


♪ that's just how we do ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪


♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you. ♪


Dude, Milton, check it
out! It's Spanky danger!

- How do you know?
- Oh, I don't know, maybe it's

the red, white, and blue jumpsuit
with "Spanky" written on it.

Ooh, it is such an honor to meet you,
Spanky. I can't believe you're here.

Oh, I love coming out,
mixing it up with my fans.

Tell everybody about the
jump you made in Las Vegas.

Whew, that was a big jump.

Two years ago, wind was blowing in my face.

- I opened up the throttle and...
- And hit that ramp at over Miles per hour

and flew over buses. Go
ahead, tell him, tell him!

Well, you just did.

Sorry.

What he didn't say was
that I overshot the ramp.

Broke bones.

No disrespect, Mr. Spanky, but, uh,
human body only has bones.

Didn't say they were all mine.

I landed on a big gal holding a pug.

Hey, we are huge fans.

Earlier we were even trying
your extreme teeter-totter trick.

- Oh, how'd it go?
- Ugh, not good.

I landed in the giant
bra on top of bra barn.

I don't care what their motto is...

it was not "an uplifting experience."

Oh, hey, Spanky, can
we get your autograph?

Sure, absolutely.

Whoa, dude, that thumb's pretty gnarly.

Yeah, I took a spill in Iowa.

Couldn't find a doctor so
they took me to a veterinarian.

Didn't save the thumb,
but got me a cow udder.

Sorry about that. I
wasn't milked this morning.

Hey, we've got tickets to your show.

All right, let me see these...

Oh, I'll get you daredevils
better seats than these.

How do I get 'em to you?

We actually work at the
dojo across the courtyard.

You'll see the giant
teeter-totter out front.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't
leave that out there.

There's always some yahoo
pretending he's a stuntman.

Rudy: Go ahead, ma!

- (Thumps, creaks)
- (Rudy yelling)


I tell you this:

My mom's a lot heavier than she looks.

♪ Lunchtime! ♪

I'm having pizza and you guys are...

Having sardines.

Wow, this is really good.

Jerry, what are you doing here?!

Not eating sardines.

Look, I know what you're doing.

You became a volunteer to
try to get me to like you.

(Gasps) How dare you?

You know, I became a volunteer
because I share both a very real

and a very deep connection
with these penguins.

- Pelicans.
- Pelicans.

Well, don't get too attached.

Harold and Maude aren't going
to be here for much longer.

With all the money they spent
on the new bull shark t*nk,

the aquarium can't afford
the pelican habitat.

They're sending him to
Texas and her to New Jersey.

Aw, that's the saddest
thing I've ever heard...

New Jersey.

You know they've been
mates for seven years?

And it shows. Before you came in, Maude
was hungry, Harold went over to her

and yakked up fish guts right in her face.

That's love, man.

You...

Look a little hungry.

Sardine?

Ew, what is that smell?

It's like a combination of dead
fish, seagull poop and low tide.

(Unison) Jerry's socks.

Jerry, what is going on in here?

Dude!

You set up a kiddie pool
in my dojo without asking?

Pool party!

Jerry, there you are.

You bird-napped the
pelicans from the aquarium?!

I didn't bird-nap them.
I just blindfolded them

and took them against
their will to a hideout...

oh, no, yeah, I kinda bird-napped them.

It takes more than a kiddie
pool and a bucket full of sar...

why is this bucket filled with donut holes?

Are pelicans not supposed
to eat donut holes?

- No, they are not.
- These donut holes are Jack's.

I'm going to get the pelican handler.

I guess I'm a bad guy for caring.

- Wha...
- (Squawks)

Oh, don't worry. Mommy and daddy are
just having a little disagreement.

Hey, boys. I got those tickets for ya.

- Great.
- Yeah.

Whoa! Okay, tell me.

I wrecked my bike a bunch of times

and sometimes I get a
little fuzzy, you know?

But are there two pelicans in here?

Yeah.

And is that a moose
climbing up a rock wall?

Uh... yeah sure. Yeah, why not?

I'm just messing with you.

I know it's not a moose.

That's an elk, right?

Whoa! These tickets are in the vip box!

Spanky, this is so cool. People are
paying hundreds of dollars for these.

- Oh yeah.
- Wait, that's it.

Yo, Spanky, my name's Jerry.

I'm a volunteer at the Seaford aquarium.

Look, these pelicans are
supposed to be mates for life,

- but they're getting separated.
- Whew, I've been there.

She's gonna take him for
every sardine he's got.

No no no, they're being separated because
the aquarium ran out of funding.

He's going to Texas and
she's going to New Jersey.

That's the saddest thing I ever heard.

Jersey!

Hey, if you could do some sort
of fundraiser at the aquarium,

we could make enough money
to keep them together.

That's a great idea.

Let me think on it for
a second. Got it, okay!

What if I walk the high wire
tightrope over at the aquarium?

But it has to be over something scary.

Ah, how about the men's room next
to the all-you-can-eat clam bar?

(Hisses) Ouch.

Yeah, I don't think I'm ready for that one.

What about the t*nk of bull sharks?

That's great!

There is nothing more important to
Spanky danger than everlasting love.

(Phone ringing)

Oh, hold on, it's the wife number six.

Ignore.

Yo, Spanky, I can't thank you enough, man!

Jerry: Uh, Rudy...

Rudy, I wouldn't do that.

(Nasally) Oh please, birds love me.

- (Loud squawking, splashing)
- (Rudy yelling)


(Grunts)

That bird does not love me.

♪ Here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ chop it up like it's karate.

You know, guys, I'm a lot like
Spanky. I was born a stuntman.

- You were born a stuntman?
- Yes, I was, Milton.

My father is Hector Martinez.
My mother is Catherine Stuntman.

Okay, you may have the name, Jerry,
but there's not one stunt Spanky does

that you could actually do.

(Scoffs)

Oh, please, I could ride
Spanky's rocket bike.

I mean, the only difference
between that bike and mine

is it's powered by rockets and it
doesn't have training wheels on it.

- (Cheering)
- (Pop music playing)


(Chanting) Spanky, Spanky, Spanky!

(Clanking)

Who's ready for some rocket boots?!

(Crowd cheering)

I was going to launch
myself feet in the air

into that cargo net over there.

Or I could put some nitro in my boots

and go feet in the air.
What do you say, people?!

(Crowd chanting) Nitro nitro nitro!

Nitro it is!

(Crowd oohs)

- (Thumps)
- (Cheering)


Hey, where did Jerry go?

Uh-oh.

I'll show you who can't
ride a rocket bike, Jack!

If that's Spanky...

Then that guy's a stunt double.

Spanky's a fake!

(Crowd gasps)

(Booing)

(Crowd booing)

I can't believe that angry mob
followed us all the way here.

How did they even know it was me?

I don't know. Maybe it was your jacket?

(Groans)

I forgot to turn my jacket off.

Spanky, how could you do this?

You think I'm proud of what I've become?

years ago, new Orleans...

Spanky was attempting to break

the world record for jumping
a car over feet...

I'm going to let you finish this one.

The jump was perfect...

- Until the landing.
- (In unison) Ooooh.

It's always the landing.

When the smoke cleared, my body was so
m*nled they couldn't tell what was me

and what was my car.

I spent three weeks in a hospital,
five days in a muffler shop.

So that's how you lost your courage?

Yeah.

And gained a radio.

(Clicks, music playing)

(Clicks, music stops)

Spanky, you can't live the rest of
your life hiding behind stunt doubles.

Well, I'm not going to have to any more.


Because of what happened, the
whole world's gonna know who I am...

A fraud!

You know what, Spanky? A hero of mine

once told me that the only thing
to fear is the fear of not trying.

You know who said that?

- Abraham Lincoln?
- Captain Kirk?

Cher?

It actually was Cher.

But the point is that it could
have easily been you, Spanky.

I'm sorry, Cher is your hero?

Cher's everybody's hero, Jack.
The woman's a ding-danged icon.

Come on, Spanky.

Dude, there's two little
pelicans who are counting on you.

You know what?

You're right.

What you guys said I needed
to hear a long time ago.

I'm done hiding.

Tomorrow at that fundraiser, the whole
world's gonna know Spanky's back!

(Clangs)

Dude, you might need a little bit of a...

(clears throat) Tune-up.

- ♪ Kickin' it with you. ♪
- (Camera clicks)


This is the last picture I'll
have of you guys together.

But I want you to know
that I will keep it forever.

- (Gulps)
- Or you can keep it forever.

I can't believe you guys
are leaving tomorrow.

I'm really going to miss you guys.

- (Squawks)
- But do you know what hurts the most?

I didn't get phone insurance.

- Taylor, there you are.
- (Wails)

Wow, for such a pretty
girl, you're an ugly crier.

Yo, I've got great news. I have a
way that we can save the pelicans.

Let me guess: Put little tuxedoes on them

and try to blend them in with the penguins?

No no no, I got spa... that's a great idea.

I think mine's better though.

I got Spanky danger to
do the fundraiser again!

Jerry, that's amazing!

- We're gonna save the pelicans!
- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I... I don't know what I was thinking.

No, no, no, no, don't
overthink it, just do it again!

Why? Because we're saving the pelicans!

I cannot believe how many people showed up

to watch Spanky tightrope
over a pool of sharks.

Yeah, it's a comeback
story. Everybody loves

seeing a man rise above his fears.

(Crowd exclaims)

They're also down with
watching sharks eat a dude.

- (Feedback squeals)
- Thank you all for coming down to the aquarium.

I guess that explains why you're
all packed in like sardines.

Nope?

This fundraiser is about
saving Harold and Maude.

Some people said that we couldn't do
it, but tonight I say we peli-can.

Seriously? Nothing?

Show's gonna start in a minute!

Sheesh, they're a bad audience.

Yeah. They're the problem.

Yo, where is Spanky? He
should be here by now.

(Chimes)

Oh, don't worry. I just
got a text from him.

"Hey guys, you're the best.
Thanks for the pep talk.

By the way, still scared,
not coming. Sorry, Spanky."

If the crowd doesn't see this stunt,
they're going to want their money back.

Which means there'll be
no saving of the pelicans.

Oh, but I just told
everybody that we peli-can!

Both: Milton!

Guys, it's over. We have to
give the crowd their money back.

(People chattering)

(Applause)

Who's that?

(In unison) It's Jerry!

- What is he doing up there?
- I think he's gonna try to walk the tightrope.

He would never try to walk... I'm
going to try and walk the tightrope!

I know you all came here to see a
death-defying stunt, and I, Jerry Martinez,

am going to give it to you!

(Drumroll)

Come on, Seaford, show me some love!

(Crowd chanting) Fall, Jerry,
fall! Fall, Jerry, fall!

That's not really love!

(Whimpering)

Okay, oooh.

Hey, I can actually do this.

- Whoa.
- (Gasps)

Oh, no, I can't do this.

Can't do this. Gotta go back.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- (Gasps)


(Shrieks)

No worries! I'm okay.

Wow, this is a much better
way to use this thing.

- (Chomps)
- (All gasp)


Oh, no, bad shark! Don't bite!

- (Shrieking)
- (Chomping)


- Jerry, hang on!
- Oh, great advice. Thanks, hon!

All right, Jerry, Jerry,
give me your hand.

I can't, Jack! I can't.

(Shrieking)

(Crowd gasps)

- (Grunting)
- Wait... all right.

Yeah, that works, okay.

- Okay, okay. All right, all right.
- (Shrieks)

Okay, all right, all right.

- Jerry, I can't see!
- Oh, you're lucky

- 'cause it's really scary up here, man!
- Move your hands!

- Oh, sorry.
- Thank you!

Okay, all right. We can do this.

So close, so close. So close.

Wah, mommy.

- (Thumps)
- Oh!


You guys did it. The crowd
loved it. You saved the pelicans!

Jerry, I cannot believe you
were going to risk your life

to save Harold and Maude.

I was wrong about you.

(Laughs) Where are you going?

(Nasally) Oh, I thought
I'd take a quick swim.

Rudy, I don't think that's a good idea.

Oh please, sharks love me.

These sharks do not love me!

- (Splashing)
- So movies?


- Let's do it.
- (Grunting)

♪ Kickin' it with you. ♪

I still can't believe
that Spanky backed out.

I thought we helped him
get his courage back.

I wondered what changed his mind?

So you don't think I should do it?

No, I do not.

You're one-third motorcycle, you
broke every bone in your body,

- and you have an udder for a thumb.
- You're right.

Hey, you want some milk for your coffee?

Just a little bit.

(Easy listening music playing)

(Theme music playing)

(Dog growls, barks)
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