04x12 - Full Metal Jack

[bunniefuu]

Dude, neither one of these is marked.

Which one's the cheeseburger?

Mmm, this one's cheeseburger,
this one's hamburger.

Oh no, wait. Maybe...

- This one's cheeseburger.
- Dude!

Hey, give me those!

(Groaning)

My tooth!

I bit the bone.

There's no bones in a hamburger.

Must have been the cheeseburger.

- It really hurts.
- You should go see the dentist.

The demonic drill-wielding monster

who steals your teeth to
appease the fairy gods?

No way, Jose!

I love going to see my dentist.

He's got this really great assistant Holly.

She's always like, "hey, Rudy."

And I'm like, "haw-ro."

And she's like, "good to see you."

And I'm like, "hawrr..."

It is really tough to talk with all
the dental equipment in your mouth.

It doesn't have anything to
do with the dental equipment.

Look how hot she is.

Both: Haw-ro.

Come on, Jack.

You don't need to find
a team. We're your team.

Guys, the commando battle

is the most elite paintball
tournament in the country.

I really want to win,

but, no offense... I'm not
sure you guys are up to it.

Seriously? I share one
bathroom with seven sisters.

It's a w*r zone of curling
irons, hairnets and zit cream.

And then there's all their stuff.

This is serious, guys.

The team from the southold m*llitary
academy has won four straight years.

Come on, Jack, you'll be our team leader

and we'll follow any order you give us.

Yeah.

You guys really want to do this?

Yeah.

Okay, fine. But from now on, I'm not
your friend Jack. I am sergeant Jack.

I'm gonna spend the next
three hours teaching you

how to fire your paintball g*ns.

Aw, let's do this!

But first I'm gonna go to the
deli and grab a little nosh.

Milton!

Seriously, Jack?

Three hours?

It's a paintball g*n. I think
we all know how to fire...

yeah, no, three hours sounds about right.

Give me that!

♪ Don't you get all tough with me ♪

♪ I'm saying, won't you ♪

♪ go kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

- ♪ that's just how we do ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you ♪

♪ here we go, let's start the party ♪

♪ chop it up like it's karate ♪

♪ everybody ♪

♪ won't you ♪

♪ come kick it with me? ♪

♪ And we could have a
ball, run up the wall ♪

♪ that's just how we
do ♪
♪ come on ♪

♪ and no matter how
much I chop and punch ♪

♪ it's not as cool as
kickin' it with you. ♪

(Snoring)

- (Bugle playing "reveille")
- (Screaming)

(Song continues on tape)

Rise and shine, ladies!

Oh, no, there's ladies here?

Wait a minute. I went to sleep at home.

How did I get here?

I had a dream I was picked up and
carried away by a beautiful sasquatch.

I had the same dream.

Both: You!

Get in line, maggots!

I am not your friend!

I am your drill instructor!

You may have entered
this boot camp as boys,

but you are going to leave as men!

Oh, finally, I'm going
to get some body hair.

Jerry, do you want share a pit stick?

I'll give you a pit stick!

Put on those backpacks
and move it, move it!

(Groaning) Oh!

Get up, maggot!

All right, Milton, you have seconds

to get out from under your box, run
across the courtyard, and free Jerry

before this a*t*matic paintball
machine opens fire on him.

Huh?

I get it... testing
my courage under fire.

- Let's do this.
- Okay.

And go!

(Watch ticking)

It's kind of dark in here.

Ooh, kind of hard to breathe.

Walls are closing in!

(Yelps)

Gotta get out of that box, soldier!

(Screams) I'm freaking out!

Oh, I'm freaking out, I tell ya!

(Screaming)

All right, Milton's gone a.W.O.L., Jerry.

You gotta save yourself.

Jerry?

(Watch beeps)

Oh, what happened to you?

♪ Kickin' it with you! ♪

All right, Phil, Holly is a
very busy dental hygienist,

but she's agreed to come
down here and talk to you.

I don't want your dental witch coming.

Once she's here, she'll show her true self

and turn into a hideous
beast with wings and horns.

Ooh! Here she comes.

Be cool, man.

Hey, Rudy.

Haw-ro!

So where's your friend
who's afraid of the dentist?

Oh.

You'll never take me, tooth demon!

(Screams)

(Glass smashing)

I really appreciate you coming down here

and helping calm my
friend's fear of dentists.

Oh, I'm glad to help, Rudy.

(Moaning)

Phil?

Let me take a little
look inside your mouth.

No.

- Just a little peek.
- No!

Just open a little bit.

A little bit more.

Little
bit... oh!

His tooth is a black festering mass of rot.

I told you you needed to
make an appointment, Phil.

And Holly's office is one
of the best in the world.

That's right. In fact, world-famous doctor

Bjorn Bjorklund is joining our staff.

And he's coming all the way from Sweden.

But I don't want to go to the dentist.

Aww.

I know how to handle this.

Phil, if you go to the dentist...
(Exhaling)

...you get to go home

- with this!
- (Shouts)

She is a demon! She used her powers
to turn that balloon into a weiner dog!

(Screaming)

Hey, what are you doing here?
It's not even : A.M. yet.

Oh, to help us b*at southold, I've been
reading this book on m*llitary tactics.

I even practiced a sneak att*ck on my mom.

Now Jerry and I are working a camouflage.

Look around, Jack.

I'm totally hidden.

See if you can find me. Oooh!

By the way, this is Jerry talking.

Jerry Martinez.

Hmm, I wonder where he could be.

You know, it just makes me
so mad that I can't find him.

Makes me just want to punch something...

Like this dummy.

(High voice) I would
go with the punching bag.

No, no, no. It's
definitely this ugly dummy.

(Grunting)

(Whining) I think he knows I'm here.

(Grunts)

Jack, we got here early
because we want you to know

that we're taking this seriously.

We're not going to let you down.

You guys, I... I
appreciate that,

but it's not necessary.

- I'm not your leader anymore.
- Both: What?

This is lieutenant Donovan from
the southold m*llitary academy.

Soldier.

Weakling.

Weirdo.

They asked me to join their squad.

Oh, really?

I bet a big tough guy like
you is going to cry like a baby

when he tells you no!

I told him yes, Jerry.

(Squealing) Oh, he quit our team!

Milton, he quit our team!

I'm sorry, but you two weren't
ready for the commando battle.

I never would have had
a chance with you guys.

This is better for everyone.

How is this better for us?

You're right. It's better for me.

Tac-ops starts at !

Then we'll hit the d-fac, divide
our m.R.E.S and get some r&r!

I'm sorry, what?

Practice starts in minutes, then
we'll go to Phil's, split a pizza,

and, you know, hang.

- Why didn't you just say that?
- I did.

No, you didn't.

- Now fall in, soldier!
- What?

Let's just go.

(Groans)

♪ Hey, come on! ♪

And I just want to add a quick note.

"Hey, Holly, sorry about yesterday.

Great to see you. Yours, Rudy.

P.S., you're the light of my
life, I love you, marry me."

(Laughs)

I can't write that.

That's crazy.

Uh, change, "hey, Holly" to "'sup, girl?"

Hey, Rudy.

Hey, Holly!

I mean, 'sup, girl?

This is my fiance, Bart.

(Stammering) Bart "the bone
breaker" banks is your fiance?

He's the toughest linebacker
in pro f-f-football.

Rudy, are you all right?

(Moaning)

I saw your game last week, Bart.

That was a crazy hit you made.

Yeah, that referee had it coming.

I didn't like the way he
was looking at my Holly.

(Laughs)

You just... you hit
him because of the way

he was looking at your...

(mumbles) Her?

Why would anyone want to look at that?

I mean, I would, but...

I gotta go.

Gotta get those flowers back.

(Muttering) Okay.

All right, congrats again.

I am so dead!

Our next team competing
in the commando battle

is four-time defending champion
the southold m*llitary academy!

Fall in! And hup hup hup hup!

Company, halt!

Hup hup!

Present arms!

(All cocking)

Hup hup!

Very impressive.

Our last competitors,
the wasabi warriors!

Uh, no no, ref, I'm
sorry. That's a mistake.

That team's not competing anymore.

Company, hut!

♪ The champs are here so let's begin ♪

♪ Wasabi warriors gonna win ♪

♪ We the best and you guys ain't ♪

♪ Better get ready to eat our paint! ♪

♪ Boom shaka laka laka,
boom shaka laka laka ♪

♪ Boom, shaka laka laka, boom! ♪

(Dance music playing)

I heard you boys dropped out.

We decided to drop back in, your honor!

"Sir."

Your honor, sir!

You guys actually think you have a
chance of winning this competition?

All: That's a fact, Jack!

Here we go... we have team green, team
orange, team yellow and team purple.

Actually, it's more of a Violet.

It's not Violet. Technically,
it's called midnight eggplant.

No, it's not, this is Violet.

- Have you ever seen an eggplant?
- Yes, I have.

It looks just like this.

(Both bickering)

Dudes! What is wrong with you two?

We're dusty lavender, sir.

Okay, purple it is.

Rules are simple...

If you get hit with another
team's paint, you're out.

Team with the last man standing wins.

- Any questions?
- Excuse me?

I thought there was going
to be a pre-battle mixer?

So I made everybody some deviled eggs!

(Buzzer sounds)

(Yelps)

Run!

Great, the card's unopened.
She hasn't seen it yet.

Susie, don't overbook
Dr. Bjorklund tomorrow.

He's going to be tired
from his flight from Sweden.

Whoa!

Oh!

(With accent) I'm Dr. Bjorklund.

Howdy doody to youdy, Judy.

Oh, we weren't expecting you till tomorrow.

Oh, well, my cuckoo clock was fast.

I hate it when your cuckoo
goes cuckoo, don't you too too?

Oh, actually, it's a good
thing that you're early.

We have a walk-in patient who
needs an immediate tooth extraction.

(Screaming)

I can't take the pain!

But I'm so afraid!

Oh, this is nice for an evil death lair.

Oh. (Laughs)

Uh, okay.

Looks like I have no choice but to
take a little look at your tooth.

Um, does this one hurt?

(Moans)

What about this one?

(Moans)

How about...

(screams)

I think we found it.

(b*ll*ts pelting)

(g*ns f*ring)

Wha... Jack
just sh*t him.

He looked him right in
the eye and he sh*t him!

Who does that?!

I'm hyperventilating.

I can't die now. I've
never even kissed a girl!

You've never even held hands with a girl.

You've never even talked to a girl.

Look, I have a lot of
things to do with girls!

Look, Jack's right, man.
We're not cut out for this.

What are we going to do, Milton?

Didn't you learn anything from those
battle-strategy books you were reading?

Yes.

And I know exactly what we're going to do.

I surrender. Please don't hurt me.

Okey dokey.

We're going to take out that
naughty tooth lickety-split.

Here's a syringe filled with numbing agent.

- Thank you very much,
Holly... - (Needle piercing)

Um, maybe you'd like to put some
cotton in his mouth with these tongs?

(Grunts)

Oh.

Suction, doctor?

Ah.

- (Air hissing)
- (Groaning)

(Panting)

Well, now that I've sucked
your boogers, we can proceed.

(Needles piercing)

That's a big old oopsy-doopsy!

Doctor, do you need some help?

(Grunts)

No, nothing to worry about.

I think I was quick enough to get
it out before the numbing agent...

(both gasping) Rudy!

No no, I'm Dr. Bjorklund, I...

my mask came off, didn't it?

Bart, what are you doing here?

I was coming to see you when
I saw these flowers outside

with a love letter
attached for you, from Rudy.

Now who's Rudy?

Oh, that's Rudy. You met him the other day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm really not good with names.

Now I remember. I'm gonna crush you!

(Grunting)

(Crying)

Now stand up and fight me like a man.

(Grunts)

Oh! My tooth came out!

I feel no pain! Thank you!

Oh, you should become a dentist, Mr. Bart!

You'd be much better at
that than at football!

You are awful!

- (Grunts)
- Oh!

Throw down your w*apon.

Where's the rest of your team?

Jerry panicked and climbed out the window

of the men's room. It's just me and Sydney.

Sydney, now!

Surrender, Jack! It's over.

He's right. We've got
you right where we...

ow!

Not cool, dude. I'm not wearing a cup.

It's just the two of us, Jack.

Get ready to eat paint.

(Grunts)

(g*n clicking)

Sounds like you're out of paint.

You're smart, Milton. But you
didn't think of everything.

Actually, I did.

Purple paint?

(Low voice) That's not purple, punk.

(Grunts)

That's dusty lavender.

(Buzzer sounds)

- We did it!
- Whoo!

The winner of this year's
commando battle is...

The wasabi warriors!

(All applauding)

Wow. You guys really
pulled this thing off.

I... I'm sorry I
underestimated you.

Yes, you did.

I never should have bailed on you.

Permission to be on
your team next year, sir?

Permission granted.

Company fall in!

♪ It looked like we
couldn't make the cut! ♪

Both: ♪ it looked like we
couldn't make the cut! ♪

♪ Then team wasabi kicked some butt!

♪ Then team wasabi kicked some butt! ♪

- Whoo!
- All: Boom shaka laka laka!

Boom shaka laka laka!

Boom shaka laka laka...

Boom!

(Bugle playing "reveille")

Rise and shine, goldilocks!

Only more days till
next year's competition!

Uh, how did I get here?

I had a dream that I was
picked up in a shopping cart

by a baboon and a freckled stork!

Get down and give us , maggot!

I'm not giving you .

I'm not giving you one.

Here's what's gonna happen...

I am getting in this shopping cart

and you two are going to take me
home, and I'm going back to bed!

Is that clear?!

Both: Very clear!

Maggot.

(Theme music playing)

(Dog growls, barks)