02x03 - Because I'm Mrs. Claus

[bunniefuu]

LETTY: So, you were
going to k*ll someone?

JAVIER: Yes. And it was a trap.

He was another hit man there to k*ll me.

Get rid of this body. Now.

Take it to what's his name...

Silk. The funeral home.

I really do need to find your daughter.

I've told you, I don't
know where she is.

We're gonna find this guy,

and he's not gonna get away this time.

I'm here to schedule my son's interview.

Monday at : .

If the interview goes
well, we'll need this.

I told you I have that money covered.

No. I will get the money.

By murdering somebody?

I saw Emile arguing with one of
those college guys in the woods.

And the guy jumped off a cliff.

MAN: Bryce!

Those guys are looking
for their friend Bryce.

Do you know where he is?

No idea.

Apple saw you in the woods.

I don't know what Apple
saw, but, uh... yes.

I was in the woods last
night with one of those guys.

Why?

I was getting wood
for the fire with him.

What did Apple tell you she saw exactly?

She was peeing in the woods.

When she came back, she told me she saw

Javier and a guy arguing.

Then the guy jumped off a cliff,

and Javier just stood there.

Is Apple crazy or was she drunk?

Drunk.

She stole a beer.

She drank the whole thing.

I told her she couldn't have seen that

and it was because she was drunk.

Obviously.

But then, just now, those guys
were looking for their friend Bryce.

So? You know Javier.

He obviously wouldn't just
watch a guy walk off a cliff

and do nothing about it.

He's not a psychopath.

JACOB: Do you have bad people
from your past like Mom does?

Everybody has bad people in their past.

Yeah, but this is a really nice car.

How did you afford it
if you're just a cook?

Did you used to do other stuff?

- Actually...
- You mean like the stuff I did?

Yeah. Is that how you met?

No.

Where are you going with this?

You think that maybe Javier was arguing

with a bad guy from his past?

Yeah.

A -year-old college dude named Bryce?

I don't know how old he was.

And as soon as he found Javier,

he walked off a cliff
and k*lled himself?

Yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.

No.

And also, the guy I got firewood with,

his name wasn't Bryce.

It was Daniel.

Oh.

Yeah.

It is good that you asked
these questions, though.

You should always ask questions

if you can't find the answer yourself.

Yeah.

♪ Hard time forgiving ♪

♪ Even harder forgetting ♪

♪ Before you do something ♪

♪ You might regret, friend ♪

♪ Bricks are caving in ♪

♪ Oh, how sweet this sin ♪

♪ I left you the keys ♪

♪ You won't let me in ♪

♪ Hard time forgiving ♪

♪ Even harder forgetting ♪

♪ Before you do something ♪

[CHIMES CLINKING]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hi.

A list of books he'll need,

our honor code, and a parents' manual.

S-So you're letting him in?

He got in?

He can start as soon as we
return from the holiday break.

I know we're probably not the
only school you're looking at,

but we really hope
you'll choose Cedarwood.

You got in!

You got in!

So, I'll take that as a "yes"?

Yes!

Yes!

Uh... Oh.

Here.

Okay.

We'll see you in the new year, Michael.

[LAUGHS] Can we get all the books now?

We could.

But it might make us late

to drop you off with your dad.

Oh.

You don't have to stay with
him if you don't want to.

Yes, I do.

He gets Christmas... for a week.

I know.

But if you don't want to be with him,

if you want to come on
a trip with me and Javier

and Nana and Rob...

I want to be with him.

Okay.

Good. That's good.

I'll get all the books
while you're away.

[CHUCKLES]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Ho ho ho.

Gracias.

Ah.

How many phone books do you
need to fill Yankee Stadium?

They asked that in your interview?

Millions.

One. Then, you call all the people in it

and make them come to the stadium.

You can't make them come to the stadium.

It was the right answer.

How'd you know?

I Googled "stupid interview questions."

Oh. Smart.

We're very proud of you, Jacob.

It is not easy to get
into such a good school.

Maybe you can give me the list of books

and I can get them with Sean.

I told you I would get them.

I know, but if Sean can get
them when I'm at his house,

then I'll have a week to
start reading and get ahead.

Ahead of what?

Ooh. Can we get a dog?

- No.
- No.

But hey.

You can have this.

Don't open it until Christmas morning.

Thanks, Javier.

Actually, it's from the both of us.

It says "To Jacob, From Javier."

[HORN HONKS]

ROB: I missed you, dude!

Oh, I wish you were coming on our trip!

- Missed you, too.
- Where's Javier?

We dropped him off at the movies.

f*cking Christmas.

Rob, inside.

Hey.

Jacob, come on.

[LAUGHS] Hey, Dad.

Ah.

Hey, Jacob, I want you to meet Bethenny.

She's my, uh... She's gonna be my wife.

BETHENNY: Oh, you are even
more handsome in person

than you are in your pictures.

And your daddy has so many
pictures of you on his phone.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Letty.

Hi.

I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity.

The trials that God has presented you,

the things He's carried
you through and shown you?

I mean, I know this is ugly,

but I'm so jealous of
your relationship with Him.

Nothing to be jealous of, really.

Well, He has obviously chosen you.

I mean, after everything
He put you through,

you are standing there,
so alive and beautiful.

[SNEEZES]

- Oh.
- Bless you.

Thank you. I'm allergic to everything.

Jacob.

You didn't tell me about Bethenny.

You don't tell me anything.

Do I ask?

Jacob has a list of
books he needs for school.

It would be great if you could get them.

Isn't that your job?

I don't know. But he
wants to get them with you.

Hey, you ready, Jacob?

Jacob.

Oh.

I love you, baby.

- I love you, too.
- See you in a week.

Bye, Mom. Love you.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

ESTELLE: Why did
Javier go to the movies?

He didn't want to see Sean.

Well, I didn't want to see Sean, either.

Birch Mountain Resort
and Spa, here we come!

Ooh ooh! Ooh ooh!

[LAUGHS] It's five stars, Letty.

You're gonna love it.
And it's all on me.

What? No, Rob, you're not paying.

Already done. Already done.

And I got us adjoining rooms,

which is good for Christmas
but bad for other things.

[HORN HONKS]

[LAUGHS]

But one thing you'd
never guess about me...

I-I'm super quiet during sex.

I'm not so quiet.

Oh, I know.

Thanks, Rob.

I've never really been on a vacation.

What are you talking about?

Most of your life's been a vacation.

Come on. Let's get Jav and hit the road!

Rob, you go get Javier.

I'll ride with Letty.

- Why?
- Go, Rob.

We'll be right behind you.

[VEHICLE DEPARTS]

[SIGHS]

What? Just talk.

That FBI woman came asking questions.

What did she want?

She didn't say.

She just wanted to know where you were,

which I didn't tell her

because I didn't know.

Good.

Why does she want to find you, Letty?

- I don't know.
- I think you probably do.

And I think it's a fair question

considering you're with my grandson.

She's not looking for me.

She's looking for Javier.

It's why he's at the movies...

in case the FBI were
here, waiting for him.

What?

Remember the drug
dealer I had to rat out

to get custody of Jacob?

It was Javier.

But he doesn't do it anymore.

I can't picture him ever doing that.

I know. He's never done
a single drug himself.

He's the one who keeps me in line.

And he's the reason I have Jacob,

so I'm helping him hide.

Okay?

Okay.

[RAPPING] ♪ That was me in BK on Atlantic ♪

♪ Never looked both ways, ran in traffic ♪

♪ Pops went away, but I stayed, vagrant ♪

♪ Placed where the steel
and cement became nature ♪

- Holy sh*t, Rob.
- Thank you.

I'll go get us checked in.

♪ And the dreamers are
bull trapped in porcelain ♪

Don't get any ideas.

I can have ideas.

I mean about stealing.

I know that's what you mean.

Do you really think I'm
gonna walk out of here

with an -pound couch?

You would figure out a way.

I would. But I was thinking,

I just want a house
that looks like this.

Oh, by the way, thanks for including me

in that gift for Jacob.

I thought you would get
him something yourself.

I thought getting him
into private school

- was a pretty nice gift.
- Kids want to unwrap things.

Private school is all he wanted.

Just because he wanted one thing

doesn't mean he doesn't
want more things.

Of all people, I'm sure
you can understand that.

[SCOFFS]

ESTELLE: What are you
two fighting about?

Nah, we're not fighting.

Yes, we are. You can't just
end arguments without me.

Why is that guy staring at us?

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS ON PIANO]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

What's wrong?

I think he might be here to k*ll me.

What would make you think that?

It's just a feeling.

He was probably looking at your ass.

ROB: and .

Back to back! Double penetration!

[LAUGHS]

.

Uh-oh! ! Where you gonna end up?

Ah! Just give Letty
the other key for .

Thank you.

Hey, can I give you a piece
of relationship advice?

- No.
- If you really like Javier,

don't pick on him for stupid sh*t.

The only thing you can really
change about a man is his hair.

I like his hair.

What are you doing?

Looking for that guy.

He's gone.

Are you gonna be like
this the whole time?

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- WOMAN: U.P.S.!

Aw! You've already been here today!

- [BOOK SLAMS]
- Ugh.

[GLASS THUDS]

[LAUGHS]

Not funny.

- I decide what's funny.
- [GROANS]

You yelling at an innocent
U.P.S. delivery person

is hilarious.

Why are you having all your
packages delivered here?

You have your own house.

Yes, I do.

But you're in yours all day

while I'm out in the field working.

I'm not your doorman.

Oh, don't cry.

Why don't you just take
your packages and go. Please.

Why do you think I'm here?

But you're coming with.

You're gonna help.

- I'm not helping...
- Accurate!

You haven't done a single
thing to help me find Javier.

So, this is how you're gonna help.

- Let's go.
- No, I'm not going anywhere!

[BOXES THUD]

Are you agoraphobic?

No.

Big Christmas plans?

[SIGHS] No.

Is there a hooker coming over?

What? No.

[LAUGHING] Well, then,
what's your problem, dude?

I'm taking you to my cabin in
the woods for a holiday retreat.

It's very quaint. It's very cute.

We will assemble the plastic,
pre-lit Christmas tree

currently suffocating
in one of those boxes.

In the rest of these boxes are presents,

which we will wrap and unwrap.

Maybe we'll drink hot cider

if I have any of those little packets

left over from last year.

W-Why didn't you just tell me?

Because I like surprises.

I don't.

- Boo!
- Aah!

[REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES]

[CAP CLACKS]

[SIGHS]

JAVIER: That was fast.

I'm on vacation.

And you need to take longer showers.

[SIGHS]

You also need to relax.

You're on vacation, too.

Here.

I mean, if you did something
else, if you were like...

I don't know... a
neurologist or something,

you wouldn't have to worry about
people trying to k*ll you all the time.

- Yeah, I have been hired to k*ll neurologists.
- You know what I mean.

And we wouldn't have to gaslight Jacob.

- What?
- It's when you manipulate someone

into thinking they're the crazy one.

We did not make him think he was crazy.

We kind of did. So, what are
you gonna do the next time?

And the next time?

I thought we were on vacation.

Don't open these yet,
but a Christmas tree

with no presents under
it is a sad sight.

Dinner downstairs at : .

[DOOR CLOSES]

[JAVIER SIGHS]

What's wrong?

I miss my family.

They miss you.

[GLASS THUDS]

[JAVIER SIGHS]

You don't have to leave this
thing parked at the office?

What?

No.

I own this.

Like, with the TVs and everything?

You expect me to drive the
basic sh*t car the FBI gives us?

[CHUCKLES] Don't answer that.

It makes sense that
you would think that.

And you own this cabin, too?

What are you, some kind of gold digger?

[CORK POPS]

Say it again.

- Buenos Aires.
- Say it again.

- Buenos Aires.
- Again.

[CHUCKLES]

ROB: Hey, that's the
most expensive one, right?

SERVER: Yes, it is.

Rob, how well are your
grasshoppers doing?

You mean my sperm?

No.

I mean Rob's Grasshoppers.

Oh! Really well.

I had my best year this year.

Out of how many years?

Nine.

- Seriously?
- That's not so much.

I mean, we finished
high school years ago.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I mean, I know you didn't graduate...

I got it.

You know why this year
has really been so great?

God damn it, I'm gonna make a toast.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

The last Christmas I
spent with my family,

my Uncle Dale got so drunk,

he threw my Aunt Georgina
through a plate-glass window.

A-And that was before my sister
announced that she was pregnant

even though her husband got his
balls snipped the year before,

which is when things got
really ugly, let me tell you.

So, I can say that, having
you guys as my new family

is the greatest thing that
has ever happened to me.

I mean, the only thing better was
the day that Estelle said "yes."

Estelle, you've made me
the luckiest man alive,

and I still get a boner every
time you walk into a room.

And even though y'all aren't married,

I consider you my
daughter and son-in-law.

Letty, you gave me a grandson,

and Jacob is the coolest boy in the world.

And Javier, you gave me a whole car.

The McDanielses are a
bunch of d*ck-wad alcoholics

who never gave me a single g*dd*mn thing

except a shitty reputation.

So, I couldn't be happier right now.

I mean, we're all here together.

And we're having a family
spa day on Thursday.

[LAUGHS]

So, let's all raise a glass...

to family.

- To family.
- To family.

A la familia.

[GLASSES CLINK]

What's that mean, Javier?

"To family."

Oh. Cool.

You got a big family?

I do, yeah.

They're also a bunch of assholes.

No, they're not.

It is really just my
father who's the assh*le.

Well, who cares about your dad?

You got me now.

Rob, you deal with the check

while me and Javier get a
table in the bar for a nightcap.

We can all just go together.

I don't see a check. Do you see a check?

I'll stay with Rob.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We obviously have to wait for the check.

No, you don't. They
don't do checks here.

You just get up.

What are you talking about?

It's all-inclusive.

Um, no, it's not.

Uh, yeah, it is.

Why would you think that?

These places always are.

No, they're not.

Every vacation I've ever
been on is all-inclusive.

This is a five-star hotel.

- So is Club Med.
- No, it's not.

Jesus, Rob...

It was weird that they
didn't give us any beads

or drink vouchers when we checked in.

Between the rooms and meals
and drinks for five nights,

plus spa treatments,

it's gonna be at least or grand.

- What?
- Here you are.

Oh, my God. The limit
on my card is $ , .

I don't... I don't
have that kind of money.

I mean, I'm... I'm gonna have to sell

the new Rob's Grasshoppers vans,

and I'm... I'm not gonna be able
to pay my fair share of the house.

Your mom is gonna k*ll me.

I mean...

I really think she might leave me.

What am I gonna do, Letty?

Tell me what to do.

Don't worry. I'll figure something out.

I can see you make Letty happy.

Do you think you'll be able
to keep on making her happy?

I will try.

Well, she's no day at the beach.

Yeah.

Yeah, we live at the beach.

[CHUCKLES] No. It's a saying.

It means she's not easy to live with.

Oh.

Well, neither am I.

Oh, my God, there's that guy again.

Holy sh*t. I know who that is.

- You do?
- Oh, my God. I can't.

Estelle, who is it?

His name is Luke.

He was one of my phone-sex clients.

I knew he wasn't right in the head

from the first time he
called me over a year ago.

He said he wanted to do
twisted, violent sh*t to me,

and I told him not to call back, but...

- Did you tell Rob?
- Are you kidding?

He'd k*ll the guy and then
get caught and end up in jail

for the rest of his life.

How do you know this
guy is that Luke guy?

Well, that's how he said he looked...

' ", dark hair, with that rose tattoo.

That could be a lot of guys.

And who's been stalking
me since I got here?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I will take care of it.

No. It's not your problem.

You're family.

I will take care of it.

♪ Who, me? ♪

♪ I is di queen Queen ♪

- ♪ Yeah, me bad ♪
- ♪ Yeah, me bad ♪

♪ Just like machine... g*n ♪

♪ Qui moi? ♪

♪ Je suis la reine La reine ♪

♪ Je suis forte ♪

♪ Ca c'est certain ♪

♪ Délicieux ♪

♪ Comme des bonnes ♪

♪ Comme des bonnes, comme des bonnes ♪

♪ Comme des bonnes ♪

♪ Délicieux ♪

♪ Comme des bonnes ♪

♪ Comme des bonnes, comme des bonnes ♪

♪ Comme des bonnes ♪

There you are.

With all that champagne, I
had to pee for, like, hours.

Keep your morning open.

What? What are you talking about?

Trust me. I've done this
a few thousand times.

Stole from Santa?

No. From real people.

Oh. Good.

JAVIER: Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

You've been following me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Since we checked in, I have
caught you watching me twice.

This is what I do for a living,
so I know what you're doing.

Well, what am I doing?

Watching me. Or watching
my mother-in-law.

Watching people isn't against the law.

If you are stalking them, then,
yes, it is against the law.

You need to relax.

You need to go away.

I'm a guest at this hotel.

I'll do whatever I want.

Please don't k*ll a random
phone-sex guy in this hotel.

He might not be a random phone-sex guy.

He might not be a hit man, either.

Not every person who looks
at you is trying to k*ll you.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Look at me.

Look at me.

I'm looking at you, and
I'm not trying to k*ll you.

I know.

I mean, sometimes I want to k*ll you.

I know.

Sometimes, I want to k*ll you.

It's funny...

from the moment we met, you knew
I k*lled people for a living.

And I knew you were an addict, a thief.

We knew the worst things about
each other from the start...

and we didn't run away.

I tried to.

Yeah, so did I.

But here we are.

And all we do is try
to change each other.

Why are we together?

I think this is what happens
when the honeymoon is over.

Did we ever have a honeymoon?

[DIA FRAMPTON'S "DIE WILD" PLAYS]

♪ If I never get sober ♪

♪ The heart wants what it wants ♪

♪ If I never get over you ♪

♪ Well, I just wanna be blue sometime ♪

♪ I don't wanna get better ♪

♪ I wanna burn like the th of July ♪

♪ A little bit I got to fill me up ♪

♪ A little bit of spit in my eye ♪

♪ I just wanna die wild ♪

♪ I just wanna die wild ♪

♪ I just wanna die wild ♪

♪ I just wanna die wild ♪

[FACETIME BEEPING]

Merry Christmas Eve!

Did I wake you up?

JACOB: No. I've been up.

Sean and Bethenny are having a party.

And you're hiding in your room?

They told me to stay up here.

What are you talking about? Why?

They said it's for adults.

It's okay. It seems boring anyway.

I'm gonna call Sean.

No! I'm okay, Mom.

I'm excited for Christmas tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- Did you get me something?

For Christmas? Of course.

Sean said you didn't
give him anything for me

for under the tree.

That's because... Sean
doesn't know about it.

It's a surprise.

Oh, I miss you.

- I love you.
- I miss you, too.

I'll call you tomorrow
when I open your present.

Okay. Yay!

- Bye.
- Bye.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

f*ck.

Woodhill!

Presents time.

- It's not Christmas.
- You're right. It's Christmas Eve,

which is when you open Christmas
presents if you're Jewish.

Well, I open them on Christmas morning.

Okay.

You can open your present
on Christmas morning.

Ha ha!

[LAUGHS]

Sound machine!

All the rest of those are yours?

[WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH!]

Well...

Hi. Great.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Are we doing Swedish or Deep Tissue or...

It's whatever my boyfriend wants.

Ready, babe?

- For what?
- Your -minute massage

so you can relax.

Merry Christmas.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Don't let him tip you.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

- I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.

Just do exactly what I told you to do.

The elves will know
that I'm not a real elf.

Nobody is a real elf, Rob,

and nobody likes
pretending to be a real elf.

What they will like
is anyone who helps them

do their job a little less.

That's you.

Why wouldn't they like
pretending to be a real elf?

See? You're gonna be great.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

Hi. I'm Rob, the elf.

What do you want for Christmas?

You're not Santa.

No, but you can tell
me, and I'll tell Santa.

I'll just wait for Santa.

Can I... Can I get your room number?

Why?

Hotel policy. Research, maybe...

like, demographics of who likes Santa

and should they do it
next year or whatever.

Uh, .

♪ Let's have applause for Mrs. Santa Claus ♪

♪ Who trims his beard and
helps to load the sleigh ♪

♪ Who makes the toys while Santa's away ♪

♪ Who should get all the applause? ♪

♪ Who, of course, but Mrs. Santa Claus ♪

♪ Who darns his socks
and hangs out his suit? ♪

♪ Who lights up Rudolph's nose... ♪

And in what room should
Santa leave your pony?

.

.

What are you up to?

I'm working.

No, I mean later.

Who cares about this sh*t?

♪ Christmas Eve, she orders snow ♪

♪ Wakes up Santa when it's time to go-o ♪

♪ Who helps him check each Christmas list? ♪

♪ Who wears a smile though
her name's been missed? ♪

I need a g*n.

- Why?
- To sh**t my little sister.

- That's not very nice.
- She's not very nice.

Kids should never have g*ns.

But w-what's your room number?

The penthouse.

Santa's getting you a bike.

- You're not in charge.
- Yes, I am.

You think Santa actually does the work?

[SCOFFS] He pretends he does everything,

but he just shows up to
this crap once a year,

and I do everything else.

You're getting a bike.

♪ She should get all the applause ♪

♪ Let's have a hand for Mrs. Santa Claus ♪

♪ She makes presents all year through ♪

♪ Tells the dwarves what they must do ♪

♪ Christmas Eve, she orders snow ♪

♪ Wakes up Santa when it's time to go-o ♪

♪ Who helps him check
through each Christmas list? ♪

GIRL: What are you doing?

LETTY: Hi.

Are your parents here?

No. They're downstairs
with my stupid brother.

- Who are you?
- Your stupid brother?

Why is he stupid?

He still believes in Santa.

What are you doing in our room?

I'm exchanging your presents.

Why?

Because Santa gave you the wrong ones.

I just told you Santa isn't real.

How do you know?

You know how, when
you sit on Santa's lap

and you tell him what you want,
if your parents can't hear,

they always ask for what you asked for.

Well, last year, I told Santa one thing

and my parents another
just to prove he isn't real.

I like you. But you're wrong.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

I should know.

[WHISPERING] I'm Mrs. Claus.

But you're not fat.

Common misconception.

Bye, Jessica.

How did you know my name?

[SHIMMER!]

Because I'm Mrs. Claus.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[DOOR LOCK BEEPS]

[DIAL TONE]

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Why are you here?

What? This is my room.

You didn't come here to... explore.

You came here to do something.

Aah!

Okay! I came for her!

God damn it!

- What?
- Estelle.

I couldn't handle her just
being a voice on the line.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

You will never bother Estelle again.

You will leave this hotel.

If I ever see your face again,
it will not end well for you.

Unh!

[FLOOR INDICATOR CHIMES]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

What happened to your massage?

Nothing.

It was great. Thank you.

Where are you coming from?

I, uh...

I went shopping.

I got a present for your mom and Rob.

Oh. Same.

Why are you all dressed up?

I also went shopping for myself.

You like?

I do.

Festive.

Can you open the door?

I forgot my keycard.

Right.

[DOOR LOCK BEEPS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[GIFT WRAP TEARING]

[SIGHS]

DANIELA: Uncle Jav
always knows what to get.

Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

I brought gifts for you, too.

[OBJECT RATTLES]

Oh.

Aww. This is beautiful.

I'm sorry. Isn't this a little much?

Daniela...

No, these earrings are,
like, at least $ , .

Seriously, Mom, this is so weird.

TEO: I'm sorry. I...

I've never been very
good at giving gifts.

No, Teo.

These are gorgeous. It's just...

we're still going through a lot.

Of course.

I shouldn't have.

I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.

You don't have to go anywhere.

Really?

I think I have to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, me too.

[SIGHS]

Merry Christmas!

Ho ho ho!

Let's see what Santa's got
for his little children, here.

- [GASPS]
- [LAUGHS]

Letty Betty Bo Betty...

[OBJECTS CLACKING, RATTLING]

- Is this a puzzle?
- No guessing.

♪ Just like the ones I used to know ♪

[GIFT WRAP TEARS]

I know you love it,
so you should have it.

And... And the shark almost
kind of looks like you, right?

Uh-huh.

[CHUCKLES] Jav...

you are gonna love this.

[GRUNTS]

♪ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas ♪

Wow.

Rob, this is too much.

It's a g*n.

Did you just throw this at me?

There's a safety obviously.

Safety first. Look at the handle.

He got an engraved g*n,
and I got a used puzzle?

Seriously, Rob, this is...

I can't accept this.

Uh, I'm pretty sure
you have to accept it.

I can't return a g*n
with your name on it.

Okay. Thank you.

So, this is for you.

And this is for you.

All right!

[GIFT WRAP TEARS]

♪ Where the treetops
glisten and children listen ♪

ROB: Javier.

Holy sh*t.

You're my favorite son.

Do you have other sons?

Probably.

ESTELLE: Thanks, Javier.

LETTY: Wow.

World's greatest. Congrats.

Okay, my turn.

♪ May your days be merry and bright ♪

Oh! Thanks.

♪ And may all your Christmases be white ♪

Sleigh bells ring

Are you listening?

Thank you.

♪ Snow is glistening ♪

♪ A beautiful sight ♪

♪ We're happy tonight ♪

♪ Walkin' ♪

- ♪ Gone away is the bluebird ♪
- [JAVIER CHUCKLES]

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks, baby.

♪ He sings a love song ♪

Javier.

Don't open it here.

It's an unofficial present.

It's just cash.

JAVIER: Estelle, this is very
generous, but Letty and I are fine.

No. The money is for Jacob.

Books, clothes, sushi... whatever.

I'm giving it to you
because you'll make sure

the money's spent the
way that it's meant to be.

Okay.

[FACETIME BEEPING]

- [GASPS]
- Mom!

- You got me a dog!
- Merry Christmas!

- Hey, merry Christmas!
- Hey, merry Christmas!

You said I couldn't have one,
but then you still got me one.

Because that's what you wanted.

Have you given him a name?

I wanted to ask you first.

The name is totally up to you.

- Javier.
- Mm-hmm.

I left Rob's present in the car.

And I would ask Rob to go get it,

but then I'd be a real bitch
because it's his present.

- Do you mind?
- Not at all.

Thanks.

It's in a green bag in the way back.

Green bag.

Tell Javier thanks for the AirPods.

You're welcome.

Oh, he's running upstairs.
I got to get him.

LETTY: Okay.

- [PUPPY BARKING]
- [BETHENNY SNEEZING]

I cannot believe that you Craiglisted

a f*cking dog to this house.

Oh, no, I forgot. Bethenny's allergic.

Bye, Sean.

[LAUGHS]

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland ♪

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

[LIGHTER CLICKING]

You're actually really
good at this, Rob.

Thanks. I practice.

Not the puzzle... Christmas.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- I got it.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Hey.

ESTELLE: He's here... Luke.

He's outside my door.

Go into my room, with Letty and Rob.

Lock the doors. I'll be right there.

Mom.

[LOCK CLICKS]

Rhonda?

Rhonda?

Mom, what the hell is going on?

ESTELLE: Javier didn't tell you?

You seriously have a stalker?

- Why wouldn't I?
- A stalker?

[DOOR SLAMS OPEN IN DISTANCE]

Rhonda!

[PICTURE FRAME CLACKS]

[SIGHS]

This is insane. I'm calling security.

No, you're not.

Why would you not want to call security?

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

Christian.

You have to tell me the truth right now.

Are you anywhere in the Smoky Mountains?

Yes. Birch Mountain Resort.

sh*t! You need to leave.

- Why?
- I'm supposedly on vacation

with Lashever at her cabin,

only it's conveniently five
minutes from Birch Mountain.

And I just realized this
isn't even her cabin!

[g*n COCKS]

I told you to disappear.

AGENT LASHEVER: Drop the
g*n. You're under arrest.

FBI.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] I think she's got you.

I think you're right.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

I'm sorry, Letty.

[HANDCUFFS CLICK]

Ooh!

What's this?

It's a Christmas gift.

From Estelle Raines. To
get rid of her stalker.

Got it.

- Seriously?
- [DOOR OPENS]

This is bullshit!

Oh! Look who it is!

It's like I'm opening a
Shitty Person Advent Calendar.

Go back in the other room, Letty.

It's over.

Letty, put down the g*n.

No.

Let him go.

Let him go!

Ah!

- [HANDCUFFS CLICK]
- Jesus Christ, Ms. Raines.

You could've gotten
out of this scot-free.

All you had to do was not
thr*aten a federal agent.

This was not the plan. Let her go!

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Let your heart be light ♪

♪ From now on, our troubles
will be out of sight ♪

Which airline?