02x07 - Don't Thank God, Thank Me

[bunniefuu]

I'm Carin... with a "C."

- We need to be friends.
- [GLASSES CLINK]

What you really want
is revenge on the FBI.

You raid that money before the FBI does.

We'll do all the work for you.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH] _

I'm gonna pick up Jacob, and
then you want to steal $ , .

We don't have a choice.

Suddenly you have a rich
grandmother I never heard of.

So?

- How much?
- $ , .

You're getting to be a very good player.

You're pretty good, too.

- [g*n COCKS]
- Ow!

- [g*nsh*t]
- Aah!

[DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS]

[LOWERED VOICE] You let all
the wrong people stay alive.

[LOWERED VOICE] I should have k*lled him...

in front of Jacob?

[SIGHS, SCOFFS]

This was a mistake.

From day one.

♪

[LIGHTS CLICK OFF]

[DOOR UNLOCKS]

sh*t. [SIGHS]

I thought you were a bad guy.

So...

it's the middle of the night.

I guess sometimes you just
need to talk to your mom,

no matter what time it is.

So I'm your mom again?

You betrayed me.

I didn't betray you. I protected you.

At least I tried to.

Nice try.

I knew what I was doing.

We had rules.

You think making rules means
they're gonna get followed?

What magazine you read that in?

Look, I'm not...

I'm not here to...

I need to ask you for something.

Jacob should be with you.

♪

[EXHALES]

- [CRYING]
- Don't worry.

- [SOBS]
- I barely touched his room.

[SNIFFLING]

Rob put an exercise bike in there,

but we can wheel it out, no problem.

- I keep picturing this life in my head...
- Mm-hmm.

You know, where the three
of us are this happy family,

and it just... never works.

"The three of us"?

Javier is in the car with Jacob.

♪

So you found a loophole
for your hit man.

He's not...

Look, we all do bad things.

Mom. Mom.

It's not Javier over Jacob.

I shouldn't be with either of them.

I shouldn't be with anybody.

I'll have Rob go move the exercise bike.

♪

- All right, come on.
- [DOG BARKS]

Come on. Get in. Get in.

Go to your mom.

Jacob, sit here. Sit down.

I want only good things for you, Jacob.

And I want you to be safe.

Especially safe.

I love you too much to let
anything bad happen to you

ever again.

I know.

So it's probably better for
me here... just childhood-wise.

Right.

JACOB: But I had fun with you.

Yeah.

I had fun with you, too.

And we'll have fun again one day.

Not tomorrow.

[VOICE BREAKING] No, not tomorrow.

[CRYING]

You'll have fun with Fred.

[CRYING, SNIFFLING]

Thanks for getting him for me.

Make sure to feed him.

I will.

Come on, Jacob.

[ SNIFFLES ]

I love you, baby.

I know.

I love you, too.

♪

♪ Hard time forgiving ♪

♪ Even harder forgetting ♪

♪ Before you do something ♪

♪ You might regret, friend ♪

♪ Bricks are caving in ♪

♪ Oh, how sweet this sin ♪

♪ I left you the keys ♪

♪ You won't let me in ♪

♪ Hard time forgiving ♪

♪ Even harder forgetting ♪

♪ Before you do something ♪

Celebrate! Good times! Come on!

- [CORK POPS]
- Whoo! [LAUGHS]

Where's Christian?

He's taking a night class
at The Learning Annex.

I'm already considering annulment.

What's wrong with you two?

- Nothing.
- [GLASS THUDS]

- Can we go?
- Pump the brakes, sweetheart.

Gotta make sure it's all there.

- It's all there. I counted it.
- Yeah, so did I.

As if I'm gonna trust Bonnie and Clyde.

Gonna count every dollar,

and if there's a penny
less than grand...

You'll what? Make us
rob another drag club?

Chanté, you stay.

One hundred...

I think my vision gets
really bad when I'm with you.

Worse than it already is.

Yours does, too.

It gets down to this little
point where all we can see

is each other.

And it feels really good to have
someone look at you like that.

But it means we can't actually
see anything else around us...

or anyone around us.

We do all this damage,
and we don't care or notice

because it's in our...

♪

What do you call it?

Peripheral.

Yeah.

♪ How much time is there? ♪

♪ Before the sun is gone ♪

Want anything?

♪ Crying in our palms ♪

♪ And I put my white flag in the wind ♪

♪ And I feel it in the underflow ♪

♪ I feel it in the underflow ♪

♪ I feel it in the underflow ♪

♪ And we miss each other in the dark ♪

♪ Like ships in the night ♪

♪ And I cried a puddle ♪

♪ Deep into the valley
of shoulder blades ♪

♪ And I breathe smoke into the sky ♪

♪ To let love know I'm getting high ♪

♪ There'll be no rest tonight ♪

WOMAN ON RECORDING: Today, I feel good.

I am glad to be alive.

I live by my positive choices.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! ♪

♪ I trust my heart to you ♪

♪ I trust my heart to you ♪

Nate.

San Pellegrino with lime?

- Still your drink?
- Still my drink.

Let me get you a napkin.

♪ I am on my good behavior ♪

♪ I-I-I swear my heart... ♪

♪

MAN: Thanks for calling
the Resort at Blue Crest.

- How may I direct your call?
- Room , please.

[LINE RINGS]

[BEEP]

♪

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

, please.

[PHONE RINGS]

♪ I am on my good behavior ♪

♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! ♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

MAN: Ms. Beaumont?

Ms. Beaumont, your office sent
some papers for you to sign.

[SOUTHER ACCENT] Just slide
them under the door, please.

♪

, please.

[PHONE RINGS]

[BEEP]

♪

[BEEPING, LOCK CLICKS]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

♪

♪

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

♪

♪

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV]

♪

♪

♪

Hey.

You're at home?

You alone?

[CHEWING]

[UTENSIL CLATTERING]

I forgot how good Cap'n Crunch is.

Uh, she also has, uh...

Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

[UTENSIL CLATTERS]

Why do you keep looking at your laptop?

I'm not.

Is that p*rn?

[SCOFFS]

What is this?

Is this a book? You're writing a book?

It's a short story. I'm taking a class.

This is about me.

- What? No, it's not.
- It's totally about me.

"Her hands swept over the display,

snatching up the emerald
earrings in one fluid motion,

like an eagle snatching a salmon."

- It's not a great metaphor.
- Uhh...

People don't want to think about eagles

when they're reading about me.

It's a simile, and it's not about you!

"And that's when she found
the body, skin flayed,

hanging from the ceiling
of the wine cellar."

What is this?

- What's the matter with you?
- It's a work in progress!

Lisa Dobesh is a very blah name.

Just call her Letty.

- [CUP CLATTERS]
- Why are you here?

Because I'm awesome, and I
make your life more awesome.

- Mm-hmm.
- Why are you here?

Where's Javier?

- [SIGHS]
- Where's Jacob?

[VOICE BREAKS] I took him back to my mom's.

Oh, sh*t.

[CRYING]

[FOOTSTEPS CIRCLING]

[CRYING]

It's fine. I'm better on my own.

And, yet, here you are.

[CRYING]

No, I... I was just thinking
about how much fun we had

when we robbed that hotel together.

We got caught by the FBI.

I only got caught
because you got caught.

I only got caught
because you convinced me

to rob a hotel, so...

I love you, Letty.

Mm.

I know.

Because, yes, you do bring awesomeness

into people's lives, but...

If you're feeling, I don't
know, uh, lonely right now...

maybe robbing a hotel with
your former parole officer

shouldn't be plan "A."

[SIGHS]

You used to be fun.
Marriage has changed you.

Mm-hmm. You need friends.

You're my friend.

I know, but you need
more than one friend.

Make another one!

A non-user, non-hit man,
maybe only mildly crazy friend.

Where? On Facebook?

Maybe go somewhere

where you might actually
make good decisions.

Where you won't be so...

Where's the last place you felt safe?

Maybe even settled a little?

That might be the right
place to make a friend.

Congrats on the wedding.

You got me a Mont Blanc pen?

And I didn't even know you
were trying to be a writer.

Thanks?

But, seriously, you should
change her name to Letty.

I'll think about it.

And her handbag should be
a quilted leather Chanel.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TYPING]

♪

[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE]

[CART CLATTERING]

♪

[BAG RUSTLING]

♪

♪

[BEEP]

[SIGHS]

If you scream, I'll drive
my elbow into your esophagus.

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

I'm not the screaming type.

I forgot to hit the button on the A/C.

And then this crazy heat wave...

Global f*cking warming, huh?

You must be thirsty.

[LIQUID SPLASHING]

[SPEAKING SPANISH] _

_

_

_

_

_

- [THUD]
- [GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Why?

Why did you k*ll Silk?

His haircut.

[THUD]

[EXHALES]

Why did you try to k*ll me?

You really haven't figured it out yet?

Hmm?

_

Mm.

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

WOMAN'S VOICE: Your
call has been forwarded

to an automated voice-messaging system.

- [BEEP]
- Call me back.

I need to talk to you.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[KEYS JINGLING]

[LOCK RATTLES, DOG BARKING]

I told the owner you disappeared.

Carin.

- Hi.
- Mary Catherine put the listing back up,

and it rented out in no time.

I went out on a limb for you. Way out.

I got Michael that
interview at Cedarwood,

and then, poof, he disappeared.

I'm sorry.

Christmas got complicated.

Okay, and you couldn't have called?

Or texted me back?

I mean, we were friends.

At least, I thought we were.

I'm sorry, Carin.

Mary Catherine wanted to sell
all of your stuff on Craigslist,

but I put it in my garage
because I am a good friend.

You're right. I'm sorry.

But we went on this
trip with my mom, and...

everything got out of hand.

Emile?

Yeah.

Did he cheat on you?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry, honey.

Right.

Should've seen it coming.

I knew he was bad from day one.

♪

I totally get it.

You tell yourself that
he's gonna change or...

it'll get better...

that little slut math tutor

will leave for grad school in the fall.

[CRYING]

Sorry, are you okay?

[CRIES] Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I know what you're going through.

All too well.

Eric, as you know, is also

a colossal cheating assh*le.

[SNIFFLES] And, um...

I decided that I wasn't
gonna ignore it anymore.

- Good for you.
- Thank you.

After the camping trip, I thought

I had gotten even or...

that would be enough, but...

all it did was make me
realize that I am married

to someone that... I kind of hate, so...

I hired a lawyer, and
I filed for divorce.

Well, I hope you get everything.

Actually, I can't even
get inside my own house.

- What?
- Eric took Apple

to Liberty Mountain on
a ski trip this morning

and changed the locks on me...

when I was in sunrise yoga.

No, he can't do that.

Well, he did do that.

He's obviously in revenge mode.

I mean, locking me out of my own house?

I... I was gonna call the locksmith,

but I don't want it getting out.

Does your garage have one
of those keypad entry things?

Yeah, but I tried it,
and he changed the code.

Let's go.

[BEEPING]

[WHIRRING]

How did you know how to do that?

It's a universal code.

I spent a lot of my s losing my keys.

Please, please, please,
please be unlocked!

♪ And I will fall ♪

♪ I will fight ♪

[GASPS] Thank God!

Don't thank God. Thank me.

My vag*na can finally breathe!

Those yoga pants are bullshit.

Can I dump out these books?

Yeah, we're just gonna donate those.

♪

What do you want that gross thing for?

For Eric's nice things.

♪ Somebody I love ♪

♪ I'll be bad but I'll
be with somebody I love ♪

♪ I will feel and I will fall ♪

♪ I will take and I'll be good ♪

♪ I was saved and I'll be dead ♪

♪ I'll be back and I'll be there ♪

♪ I'll be down, I'll be up ♪

- Carin?
- Yes?

- ♪ I'll be strong ♪
- [TOILET FLUSHES]

♪ And I'll be false ♪

♪ I'll be bad, but I'll
be with somebody I love ♪

Oh... that was a failed attempt
at spicing up our marriage.

Now Mr. Glass just lives on the shelf.

- "Mr. Glass"?
- Because he's made of glass,

and he reminds me Samuel L. Jackson.

- [BUZZING]
- Huh. Makes sense.

Can we take your car?

Where are we going?

Pawn shop.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING, KICKING]

I thought you weren't
the screaming type?

[MUFFLED SOBBING]

- [GRUNTS]
- [SIGHS]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Mm!

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[ZIPTIE TIES]

You have learned a lot from my father.

Always send someone else
to do the dirty work.

[SPEAKING SPANISH] _

[GULPING]

_

[GASPS, EXHALES]

- [CUP CLATTERS]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

_

_

_

_

_

You know, it's funny. [SIGHS]

My father wants me dead
because I am a hit man.

So, he hires a hit man... you.

And you go and hire another hit man.

I k*lled Silk myself.

Highlight of my year.

[SIGHS]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

♪

Oh, my God! Uncle Jav!

- Hey! Hey!
- I didn't know you were coming!

Did Mom forgive you?

I guess so. Happy birthday!

- [LAUGHS]
- Uncle Jav!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Holy sh*t, thank you for getting

- rid of that Teo guy.
- Oh, yeah.

Whatever you said to him when
Mom picked us up, it worked.

I'm glad he's not bothering you anymore.

- Wait, did you bring Letty?
- Yeah.

We need her music
expertise, like, right now.

This dumb D.J. hasn't even
heard of Run the Jewels.

Letty and I are on a break right now.

Letty was like our
-year-plan/spirit animal.

- Where's your mom?
- Over there somewhere.

Okay.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Sneak around the punch and see
if you smell any alcohol.

Yes, ma'am.

[SPEAKING SPANISH] _

_

_

What? I'm busy.

Teo was supposed to help
me, but he disappeared.

_

_

- _
- _

_

_

_

_

_

The other night, I was playing
soccer with Letty's son.

Jacob is .

After soccer, we got into the car,

and Teo was in the back seat.

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

Now, you don't have to believe me.

Ask Teo yourself.

You can keep the change.

[INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF
"MI VIDA LOCA" PLAYING]

♪

What's wrong with you?

You have revenge cash and alcohol.

Sorry.

This is the... entrance
song to our wedding.

It was Eric's request.

Seriously, don't worry
about Eric right now.

What if he's taking
Apple on black diamonds?

No talk of husbands or kids.

I'm sorry.

I just can't get them out of my mind.

It's, like, even if I'm
not talking about them,

I'm still thinking about them, you know?

Yeah, but remember Camping Carin?

All she wanted was molly
and some college d*ck.

Do you know where she is?

The woods?

She's at the bottom of that drink.

You're right. [CLEARS THROAT]

Let's go to "Margaritaville."

It always surprises me when
rich people love Jimmy Buffett.

It's, like, stop trying to live
this weird, blue-collar fantasy.

Just get box seats for
Springsteen already.

- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.

Tequila, please. Two more.

[GASPING BREATHS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH] _

_

You k*lled the father of my girls,

and then you tried to
buy them off with jewelry.

_

I had no choice.

You have no spine.

Okay, Javi.

_

_

_

_

Okay.

Do you need to hear
anything more from him?

[SIGHS]

♪

PRECIOUS PARIS:
♪ We talkin' big money sh*t ♪

♪ No money ain't a pride ♪

♪ We talkin' big money sh*t ♪

♪ No money ain't a pride ♪

♪ We talkin' big money sh*t ♪

♪ No money ain't a pride ♪

- ♪ We talkin' big money sh*t ♪
- ♪ We talkin' ♪

♪ Cribs, whips, and high fashion ♪

♪ f*ck the cash on the matrix ♪

♪ Four-fifth that Magnum ♪

♪ 'Kay, sh*t has to get crackin' ♪

♪ Black rims, black trims,
black diamonds, black Tims ♪

♪ Bebe, spiked heels,
Giorgio, lambskins ♪

♪ Corner to corner,
mentions I'm the owner ♪

♪ R in the driveway ♪

Are you from Miami?

How'd you know?

♪ Showing off, I'm gonna ♪

♪ Nice lips, thick hips ♪

♪ Giving... I bone her, beans raddle ♪

Where are we going?

You're buying an eight
ball from that guy.

Just give me your pawnshop money.

♪ My leisure... the proves,
Supia, I never lose ♪

♪ Two boats, three machines, Lambos... ♪

[SONG CONTINUES, MUFFLED IN DISTANCE]

♪

[SNORTING]

[SNORTING]

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- This is shitty coke.
- [SNORTS]

- Just give...
- I don't feel anything.

Just give it a minute.

Let me get... I need another.

[SNORTS]

[EXHALES]

Okay. Better.

Oh, my God!

This lighting is genius!

I got to get a photo for
Instagram. Hey, ladies!

Ladies, Instagram! Get together.

The lighting in here... It's amazing.

We got to get a photo. Come on.

All right, everybody in.

Here.

Take a photo, take a photos.

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, my God. Where's my phone?
- It's right here.

Oh. You took a photo with it. [LAUGHS]

Thank you!

♪ Where the hell my phone?
Where the hell my phone? ♪

♪ Where the hell my... Where
the hell my phone, huh? ♪

♪ How I'm 'posed to get home? ♪

♪ Okay, : the lights come on ♪

♪ Pfft! Where my phone? ♪

♪ Lookin' around like,
"Where my phone?" ♪

♪ Lookin' where my homies went ♪

♪ Where the hell my homies went? ♪

♪ Where the hell my homies went? ♪

[SHOUTING, VOICES ECHO]

MAN: We've got multiple
reports of illegal dr*gs

in this establishment...

f*ck this.

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Come on, this way.

[SPEAKING SPANISH] _

_

_

_

No.

That's not who you are.

I grew up with you. I know you.

That's the kindest thing you do for me.

You let me see myself through your eyes.

You should go to bed.

- I'll stay and clean up.
- No.

You're not going back to that motel.

_

_

_

Leave him to starve.

Okay.

But still...

you should go to bed.

My friend Sabrina was
asking all these questions

about if you're single. [SIGHS]

And I wasn't sure how to answer.

Yeah, don't listen to her. Sabrina's .

And Javier has Letty.

No, he doesn't.

You didn't tell her?

Letty and I aren't together right now.

Oh...

I'm sorry to hear that.

I liked Letty.

Yeah, so did I.

SOFIA: Totally blows.

It does blow.

♪

All right, come on.

Okay. Go. Go, go, go!

- Oh!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

[LOWERED VOICE] Carin, get the hell up!

- Now!
- Wait!

Wait, wait!

- Carin.
- Mr. Glass!

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

- Wait.
- sh*t!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Oh, my God.

Ma'am, were you in the club just now?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

[VOMITS, SPITS]

[MOANS]

All right, come on.

- Come with me.
- [GASPING]

[FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

You wanna party?

You, me, and Chrissy makes three.

♪

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

_

♪

No, I'm good.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

- [CARIN BREATHING NERVOUSLY]
- Excuse me, Officer.

- Why are you arresting her?
- You know her?

She's my cousin.

I've been waiting for you at
that other bar for minutes.

[SLURRING] I wasn't... Wh-wh-what bar?!

I caught her with a gram
and a half of cocaine.

What?! No.

No, that doesn't sound like her.

Right? Exactly! That is
so not me! That's not me!

I'm sure.

It only makes sense after
the news she just got.

She has early-onset Alzheimer's.

Just like that Julianne Moore movie.

Tonight's bad choices are
the acts of a desperate woman

making some memories
before she forgets them all.

Look, I'm sure it's out of her system,

so if you just let me take
her home, officer, please?

My mother has Alzheimer's.
She's never acted out like this.

I'm so sorry.

How she's doing?

She's hanging in there.
Good care isn't cheap.

♪

Sorry. What's going on here?

I'd put this at $ , , at least.

That's, what, maybe six months of access

to the best drug treatments out there.

I can't take a bribe.

It's not a bribe. It's a gift.

And if you accept the
gift, I'm sure Carin

would appreciate it if you
consider her emotional state,

which you of all people
should understand.

♪

Here, use Mr. Glass's balls.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ah! What...

[BOTH LAUGH]

At least it shattered inside your purse!

Ohh! [LAUGHING]

I wonder if I can put
it in the recycling.

Glass is glass.

I can't remember the last
time I stayed out all night.

I don't even think I
did that in college.

Great night.

[SIGHS] This is the most
fun I've had in a long time.

Thanks, Lindsey.

[WINE SLOSHES]

My name isn't Lindsey.

I'm serious.

It's Letty.

I'm not some soccer mom

who cares where her kid goes to school.

I tried to be, I wanted to be,

but I'm a shitty mom

who... probably shouldn't
even have custody.

My son is with my mom now,

and that's probably where
he should stay until he's .

And Javier... That's his real name...

He didn't cheat on me.

We're just no good together.

I suck at a lot of things people
are supposed to be good at.

But I'm pretty great at a lot of things

you're not supposed to be good at.

I was wondering a little.

Especially after the watch.

Yeah.

A move like that is
pretty typical for me.

I guess I thought I
could fake being a mom

like I fake everything else.

Last year,

Apple's principal called

because they caught her trying
to start a fire in the bathroom.

So, I got in my car, and
I drove to the school,

and then I drove right past it.

I drove all the way to Savannah.

Got a bourbon

and a toffee pudding,

and I had them while I sat on the beach.

And then...

it eventually got
dark, and I drove back.

What happened to Apple?

Oh, Eric spoke to the principal

and... donated... [SIGHS]

a volleyball net or something,

and he never mentioned it again.

Being a person isn't easy,

but being a mother and a person...

That's... hard.

We need more coke.

[LAUGHS]

I saw a dealer near that nightclub.

Are you serious?

Oh, I can't even stand up right now.

All I want to do is go to sleep.

You just said this was the
most fun you've ever had.

Yeah, but now it's over.

[HUFFS]

You can sleep in the
guest room if you want.

Thanks. I'll do that.

Don't forget all your
stuff in the garage.

Uh-huh. Whatever.

♪

[CLATTERING]

[RUSTLING]

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

[RUSTLING CONTINUES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Carlos.

[SPEAKING SPANISH] _

_

_

♪

_

_

_

_

_

_

♪

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

I knew you couldn't
go too long without me.

Your humility is unparalleled.

Thanks.

Yeah, I've been thinking about you.

A-About what you said the other day.

I can't get it out of my head.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I mean, when I finally took a step back,

looked at the situation,
it all became clear.

My main character is
completely based on you.

I don't know why I couldn't see it.

I must've had some kind of mental block.

You're calling me
about your short story?

[VOICE FADING] You said she should have

a quilted leather Chanel bag.

Now, what other kind of
details would you add?

["LET IT DOWN" BY EDWARD SHARPE
AND THE MAGNETIC ZEROES PLAYS]

♪ The dawn ♪

♪ Fixed behind a curtain ♪

♪ Two fingers of satin ♪

♪ Spun in the moonlight ♪

♪ Playing the air ♪

♪ No home ♪

♪ Spinning ♪

♪ In the sunlight ♪

♪ Remember us laughing ♪

♪ On acid ♪

♪ Let it down ♪

♪ Let it heal from memories ♪

You, me, and Chrissy makes three.

♪ 'Member you, 'member me,
'member love, memories ♪

♪ Memories ♪