01x15 - King of the Hill

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning
and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever
make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books
and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time
to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate
all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair,
she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow
it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved
by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right,
'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Zack: I'll never forget the day
Slater showed up.

(phone ringing)

Good morning, Zack.
This is Cindy, your wake-up caller.

It's : , tiger.
Time to roar.

It's the first day of school,
and I can't wait to get there.

Why?

Kelly Kapowski.

Loves volleyball, windsurfing,
and soon, me.

This is the year
that I make my move.

Do you mind?
Mingle among yourselves.

How do I look?

I'm so jazzed.
I got all the best teachers.

The best teachers
are the ones who call in sick.

- How's your schedule?
- It's the worst.

I only have one lunch period.

Zack, this may come
as a shock to you,

but education is more than
just French fries and tuna melts.

That's right, Jessie.
You forgot cheeseburgers.

Welcome back, Tracy.

- Hi, Mr. Belding.
- Great to see you, Jessie.

Morris.
The thorn in my paw.

Mr. Belding, sir.
You look great.

Oh, really?

You've lost at least pounds.
You must have been working out.

Mrs. B and I did take up
synchronized swimming.

You haven't seen "dirty dancing"
till you've seen us underwater.

I can't wait, sir.

And you'll probably
be a better principal for it.

Thank you, Zack.

And may I add that you have
not lost your ability to suck up?

Thank you, sir.

This is a disaster.
My entire year has just been ruined.

What, did Revlon
discontinue your lipstick, Lisa?

That's not funny, Zack.

They gave me a locker
surrounded by nerds.

Zack, you've got to get me
another locker.

I'll owe you a big one.

Define "big."

I'll do your Spanish
homework for a week.

- You're on. I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks, Zack.

Lockers.
The key to my plan.

Kelly was assigned this locker,

which means the one next to it
will soon be mine.

Hi, you're new here.
I'm Zack Morris.

And I'm Roger Rabbit, so what?

- Come on, what's your name?
- Slater.

Well, Slater, too bad
you got stuck with the bum locker.

Hey, why don't you take mine?
It's next to the girls' bathroom.

Unless it's in
the girls' bathroom, forget it.

You don't understand,
I'm letting you have my locker.

Hi, Zack.

No thanks.

- I'm Kelly, who are you?
- Whoever you want me to be.

He's funny.
See you guys later.

- Does she always smell that good?
- Kelly Kapowski?

You don't want anything
to do with her.

- Why not?
- She's--

she has leprosy.

Hey, we all have
skin problems, right?

Okay, okay. Look, look --

give me your locker,
I'll give you a genuine hall pass

with the principal's signature.

That ain't Belding's signature.

This is Belding's signature.

This is Belding's signature.
How'd you get this?

Look kid, I've been in schools
in the last three years.

I've got hall passes
in five languages.

- Awesome.
- Bonjour, pal.

I don't like him already.

Hey, there he is, my main man.

I'm talking to you, Screech.

Oh, wow!
Thanks.

Screech, buddy, if you could
share your locker

with anybody in this whole school,
who would it be?

- You, Zack, of course.
- Great, because I'm moving in.

Wow!
You and me, roommates.

Thanks for letting me
share my locker.

Hey, we're buddies, aren't we?

Say, buddy, do you mind putting
your books on the bottom?

There's some kind
of jelly down there.

We can't have that.

Let me tidy up our place.

(vacuum whirring)

After your locker,

the most important thing
is where you sit in class.

That's why I've got to sit
next to Kelly.

Lucky for me,
Jessie is sitting there now.

We're like brother and sister.

- No way, Zack.
- Jessie! You're my best friend.

How can you turn me down?

Because I don't want to sit
in the back. I want to learn.

So do I.
This year I want to study. Honest.

All you want to study is Kelly --
honest.

Are you kidding?
That bow-wow?

Come on, everyone knows
you've got the hots for her.

They do now, thanks to you.

Look, can I have
your seat or not?

Sorry. Find yourself
another pigeon.

Oh, Lisa?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

- I got you a new locker.
- Zack, you're incredible.

- Where is it?
- It's .

!
Right by the boys bathroom

where every guy will walk by me
at least once a day?

- Sometimes twice.
- I owe you one, Zack.

I'll do your Spanish homework
for three weeks.

Tell you what, you give me
your desk and we'll call it even.

- It's yours.
- Thanks, Lisa.

- Hi, Zack.
- Hi, Kelly.

Lisa asked me to switch

so I guess we'll be sitting
next to each other.

I saved you a seat.

I'm touched.

(whining monotone)
Okay, people, settle down.

I'm Mr. Dewey --
how was everyone's summer --

mine stunk -- let's get started.

We're about to embark
on an exhilarating journey

into the exciting world of algebra.

I'll wait till your hearts
stop pounding.

Yes, you there in the back.

Mr. Dewey, sir, well this is
a little embarrassing,

I'm legally blind in one eye
and I really got to sit up close.

By all means, young man.
I can relate to that.

That's why I am up here.

- Any volunteers?
- Sure, he can have mine.

No! Not you.
I mean, that's not necessary.

I take it then,
that you're volunteering?

Me?

First he offers me his locker
and now his seat.

I'm telling you,
he's a regular "Brother Teresa."

Great, Zack, you and me
sitting together all year!

About sharing lockers --
I can't, for health reasons.

What do you mean,
"health reasons"?

Slater said he'd k*ll me.

- I'm starved.
- For food or Kelly?

Both.

This beats eating
in the school cafeteria.

It's nice to see a hamburger
you don't have to comb.

Okay.
Lunch is here.

Burgers, fries, and perhaps...

a surprise.

- Max, how'd you do that?
- Easy.

My rabbit handed them to me.
Boing!

I see your future squeeze.

- Have you asked her out yet?
- Technically, not yet.

But in my mind,
we already have children.

Could you take
this Coke over to Kelly?

I'm a little shorthanded.

- Sure.
- Thanks.

- Hi.
- Hi, Zack.

Max asked me to bring your Coke.

Thanks, but I didn't order one.

- Kelly, can I ask you something?
- Sure, go ahead.

Well--

- how was your summer?
- It was great.

My parents sent me
to volleyball camp in Florida.

- We played on the beach every day.
- It must have been hot.

It wasn't the heat,
it was the humidity.

You wouldn't believe how
your T-shirt clings to your body.

"Clings"? "Body"?

Do you mind if I have
some of that Coke?

Go ahead. What was it
you wanted to ask me?

- Do you think you might like to--
- Yes...?

So, what's happening?
You guys want an onion ring?

Sure.

- I think we're engaged.
- I think I'm gonna cry.

That makes two of us.

Hey, I'm not really a bad guy.

So, please forgive me in advance,

but what you are about to witness
is the act of a very desperate man.

(bell rings)

(coughing)

Screech, what's wrong?

Are you all right?
You don't sound so good.

Yeah, my cat made those noises
before he coughed up a mouse.

Bone.

Oh no! He swallowed a bone.
Somebody quick, help!

Here, I can handle this.
I was a lifeguard.

I knew that.

Screech, don't panic.
I'm gonna put my arms around you,

and try to force that bone
out of your throat.

- How did that feel?
- More, more.

- Screech!
- (grunts)

Did I get it?

It was wonderful.
Was it good for you?

I got it.
The bone flew out.

What'd you have for lunch,
a coyote?

Hey, great work, Kelly.

Thanks, but now
I'm gonna be late for class.

Mr. Minavich is gonna k*ll me.

- How'd I do, Zack?
- You did great. Perfect.

Go save me a seat in study hall.
I'll be right there, thanks.

Teacher: Miss Kapowski, you've been
with me before, you know the rules.

If you're not in your seat
when the bell rings, it's detention.

What a shame.

Poor Kelly will be sitting
all alone after school --

unless someone can get in detention
to keep her company.

(bell rings)

We'll begin as soon
as the bell rings.

It's the first day.
They must have forgotten the bell.

(loudly)
We'll start anyway.

Now, "To be or not to be,
that is the question."

- Who said that?
- You just did, ma'am.

Right, it was Hamlet.

But who was the author
of "Hamlet"?

- Anyone?
- William Shakespeare.

No one knows?

Then I'll have to tell you.
William Shakespeare.

No kidding.

No, no, not Kipling,
Shakespeare.

- Zack, you'll get in trouble.
- I'm trying, I'm trying.

Excuse me?
You there.

- Yes.
- No, not you. The girl behind you.

Any more whispering and I shall
have to send you to detention.

- Me?
- Her?

What?

This term we are going to cover
"Macbeth,"

"The Merchant of Venice,"
"Romeo and Juliet,"

and of course, "Macbeth."

Which shall we choose
to start with?

How about "McMuffin"
and "McNugget"?

Both good choices.

Now does anyone
know how Romeo d*ed?

Yes.
He took your class.

Right.

Poison in a glass.

- What?
- (book thumps)

Young man,

you have just dropped the works
of Shakespeare on the floor.

That lack of respect will not
be tolerated in my class.

Get thee to Belding.

Yes, Miss Simpson.
I goeth.

I don't like that boy.

The principal's office.
It's been like a second home to me.

Look around.
Everything's in perfect order.

Mr. Belding's a real neat freak.

Watch this.

It's the first day of school,
and you're in detention.

What is it this time, Morris?
Aliens take over your body again?

No, sir.
They flew home for the holidays.

- You moved that, didn't you?
- I'm sorry, sir.

- Please don't touch my things.
- I guess I couldn't help myself.

That's not good enough, Morris.

You have a complete lack
of self-control.

I can't fool you, sir.

Question is, what are we
gonna do about it?

- I guess I'm looking at detention.
- Guess again.

I'm taking a different
approach with you, Zack.

You're gonna be Mr. Rogers?

You're in the neighborhood.

Have a seat.

This year,
besides being your principal,

I'm also going to try to give
the students guidance.

And you are the first lad
I'm going to guide.

I want to help you,
understand you.

What's to understand?
I'm bad. A rotten kid!

(mumbles)

There are no bad boys.
Only boys that haven't been reached.

Mr. Belding, you got to send the
right message to the student body.

I deserve detention.

You may not realize this,

but deep down might you
be seeking detention?

What makes you think that?

I don't question the gift,
I just go with it.

- Sir, look I really need detention.
- I'll determine what you need.

(tapping)

Would you please put that back?

- You mean this bothers you?
- Yes it does.

Then I'll put it back right now.

- I'm sorry.
- Please, I'll put those back.

I know where they go.

You know, Zack,
this summer I attended a seminar

on how to handle
"the problem child."

Above all,
you must have patience.

Don't touch my
"Principal of the Month" trophy.

- You mean this?
- Yes, that.

Where was I?

You were talking about having
patience with "the problem child."

Right, right.

Zack, we must try and understand
each other's position.

Now what they say
is that you kids have a need

and we have to figure out exactly--
Put Mrs. Belding down.

I am positive that together
we can work out--

Look what you've done!

Okay, mister,
you've pushed me too far.

I hope you'll be
very happy in detention.

I'll try to make
the best of it, sir.

Detention.
Just Kelly and me.

A dream come true.

Hello, Zack.
I've been waiting for you.

It was so clever of you to arrange
for us to be in detention together.

I hope I've pleased you.

What does that tell you?

Oh, boy.

Please, make yourself
comfortable.

- Oh no, after you.
- No, no.

You must be tired
from all that scheming.

Rest, my love.

I was cunning, wasn't I?

Yes, your mind turns me on.

I love you, master.

Why keep my love
waiting any longer?

What are you doing here?

Well, I liked your act so much,
I decided to pull one of my own.

What'd you do?

You know Mr. Warren,
the science teacher?

I mooned him.

No kidding.
I'm impressed.

Doesn't matter.
We're both a couple of jerks.

- What do you mean?
- Kelly's not coming.

Belding found out she saved
Screech's life and he excused her.

So after all this,
it's... you and me?

Ain't love grand?

None of this would have happened

if you hadn't tried
to move in on my girl.

Your girl? I didn't see a sign
on her saying, "Zack's chick."

Slater, I've waited for Kelly
for two years.

I've lived through
her last six boyfriends.

Think of the man-hours
I've put in.

Wimp-hours is more like it.

You're calling me names?

You're the one who's been
in schools in three years.

What are you,
some sort of delinquent?

Hey, look, "Preppie,"
my father's in the Army, okay?

While he's trying to be
all he can be,

I get shipped
along with his boots.

- You got a problem with that?
- What if I do?

Pushing, shoving, menacing,
and roughhousing of any kind

are prohibited on school grounds
and/or buildings.

That's what your homes are for.

We weren't arguing.

We were just discussing
a math problem --

how two into one won't go.

I don't believe it
and I don't care.

I'm tired, I have a toothache,
and I have to go home and pump iron.

Hey, is your dad
really in the Army?

If he's not, this is a really
dirty trick he's been playing on us.

What's it like going
from school to school?

It's not so bad.

Slater, if you and I joined forces,
we could own this school.

- Sorry, kid, I work alone.
- Who's asking?

You were.
I scare you, don't I, Morris?

This was your turf
until I showed up.

It was, it is,
and it always will be.

You want to make
a friendly bet on that?

Count on it, buddy.

All right, maybe the first day
didn't turn out as I planned.

But hey, I'm just warming up.

I love school --

too bad classes get in the way.

(instrumental theme music plays)