02x05 - Why Can't We Be Friends?

[bunniefuu]

RICHARD: Jonathan Walsh is an alien!

Walsh wants to meet.

I'm just gonna tell Ozzie everything.

You promised to come alone.

You're the reason I've got an
FBI agent following me around.

We need to distract Alex
so I can sneak out.

- Where's Ozzie?
- You compromised

a criminal investigation,

and you made me look like an idiot.

- Terminate Walsh.
- I'll take care of the traitor.

Get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.

Good morning, everybody.

Look what I got.

- Doughnut?
- Ooh.

[CHUCKLES]

[INHALES DEEPLY] Ahh.

The smell of computers. I missed that.

Hey, have at it, okay?

Oh, uh,

why are you in my office?

Are you my new secretary?

- This is my office.
- Uh, no. It's not.

It's my office.

It says so, right here on the door.

Fired?!

How is this the first

I'm hearing of this?!

Uh, we sent you an e-mail.

I-I don't know if you know this,

but you are f*ring a man

whose girlfriend blew
up in front of him.

I'm sorry, it's just not a good fit.

I know what this is about.

This is because I believe in aliens.

This is discrimination!

Nope. No. No, we made it
very clear in our e-mail,

which was cc'd to HR and our legal team.

This is only about your
negligence and incompetence.

You took a week off
without telling anyone.

Are you telling me that I'm
worse at my job than Karen,

who can't open an attachment?

Or Tom,

who's an actual Reptilian?

Waaaalsh!

♪

[SIGHS]

Oh, Jesus!

How many g*ns does this woman own?

Oh, My God.

♪

♪

Did anyone follow you?

Jesus, Jonathan. You look like sh*t.

Yeah, yeah. Did anyone follow you?

I told you, I lost Agent Foster.

No. Someone else is after me.

Wow. Somebody's paranoid.
Not everyone is after you.

I didn't say everyone. I said someone.

I'm sorry if I'm a little nervous.

You're nervous? I'm the one in
a creepy cabin in the woods

with a known fugitive.

But, yes. I came alone, all right?

Even though the group didn't want me to.

Hell, Yvonne even put a g*n
in this box of chocolates.

Relax. I left it in the car.

I gave them the best years of my life,

and they kicked me to the
curb like I was nothing.

[CELLPHONES CHIME]

You guys, Ozzie just texted me!

- He's okay.
- Oh,

and he's made contact with Walsh!

Yeah, we know. We're in a group text.

Walsh. This is all his fault.

I mean, he took away

the two most important
things in my life...

Nancy and my job.

And now he's interrupting my therapy.

Richard, I understand why you
blame him for everything.

But I think it would be helpful for you

to take your hatred and
transform it into action.

You mean "revenge"?

Uh, well, to me,

- the best revenge is a life well lived.
- No, don't do that.

Let's brainstorm a little bit on that.

How about taking a kickboxing class?

- No.
- Or adopt a foster animal.

- Bleh!
- Or you go see a cathartic dance show.

Tomorrow night. : p.m.

$ . Everybody should go.

Performed... It's gonna
be performed by me.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, that sounds great.

But I-I don't see how
that gets my job back.

How about this... What if you were to...

put some of your grievances into writing

- and mail them...
- To the Department of Labor?

I was gonna say to yourself.

Sometimes a little self-reflection

can be very, very healing.

No. Writing to yourself
is what crazy people do.

[CHUCKLES]

ALEX: "Many U.S.
Presidents are considered"

to have been Reptilian.

"Most people don't realize
that Taft had a tail."

I'm guessing he didn't.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

- Agent Foster.
- JIM: Tell me you got Walsh.

I-I almost basically do, sir.

There's a lot of qualifiers
in that sentence.

Do we need to send somebody else?

No, no, no. No. I've got...
I've got a plan.

- I promise I'll get him.
- Okay. You've got hours.

I'll do it in , sir.

, then.

[RECEIVER CLICKS]

hours? Idiot.

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Why'd you say that?

Once that's in place, my
boss will open his computer.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

It will send a virus to
everyone in the company.

Okay, I'm sorry. Is Richard

just gonna hog the entire session?!

I am sorry, but I was fired!

And if I can't workshop
my plan for revenge here,

- then where can I do it?
- Oh, hello, Agent Foster.

Hey, guys.

I'm sure you're all pretty
surprised to see me here

after last night's karaoke fiasco.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

seeing you in that much pain
genuinely ruined my birthday.

Yeah, well, you all
betrayed an orphan's trust.

But I want you to know, it's
water under the bridge.

Because I now realize why you did it.

You do?

You guys need answers from Walsh.

And what's more, I realize
that Richard was right.

Richard was right? About what?

I've been right. What...
What was I right about?

- That Walsh is a Reptilian.
- Mm-hmm.

I've been doing a lot of research,

and I'm sure I don't need
to tell Richard this,

but he does fit the profile...

Manipulative, emotionless,
sociopathic...

Duplicitous, ego-driven. A life-ruiner.

Yes, exactly.

And it seems like sending
Ozzie off alone to find him

was pretty foolish, guys.

Dangerous, even.

That's what I told them.

I'd like to send him some backup.

Do you guys know where he is?

Hang on a sec.

Just a few days ago, you
were rolling your eyes

at my awesome alien experience.

Now you're dropping mad
Reptilian knowledge?

I'm honestly worried about Ozzie.

And I'm starting to
feel like Richard and I

are the only ones who actually
care about protecting him.

That, and making sure Walsh
pays for his alien crimes.

But if you don't know where he is,

then I guess you don't know where he is.

I don't know where he is, so, we...
we... You don't know.

- No.
- We don't. Sorry. Can't help you.

Well, then I guess Walsh wins.

♪

[SIGHS] Come on, Richard.

Hey, hey. No, no. A-Agent Foster!

Stop, stop, stop. Stop.

I think I know where Ozzie is.

[GASPS] You do? Get in.

[TIRES SCREECH]

I bet you have a lot of questions.

Yeah, but one is more
pressing than the others.

I guess I'll just ask.

Was Richard correct about you?

- A-Are you a...
- A billionaire?

Philanthropist? Pisces?

Yes, to all three.

No. I know you're a jerk.

Look, are you...

Yes?

...Reptilian?

Oh, yes. I'm also that.

You don't look it.

Well, that's on purpose.

Yeah, you're gonna need to show me.

But if I show you what I really am,

that's all you'll ever see me as.

Maybe. But I need to see. I need proof.

Okay, all right.

♪

We come in peace.

Hey, I'm Snake Man.

Are you a lizard, or are you a man?

I like to think I'best of both worlds.

Holy sh*t!

Great news, sir.

I found a courageous informant

who's leading me straight to Walsh.

JIM: Excellent work, Agent Foster.

I look forward to seeing
Jonathan Walsh in cuffs

in hours.

Yes, that's right, sir.

Oh, the informant?

He is a brave American.

You know, courageous doesn't
even begin to describe this man.

We're gonna bring down the
Reptilian agenda, sir!

Medal of Honor?

I will tell him.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

- Did you hear that?
- Yes, I did.

"Richard Eugene Clancy Schultz.
American Hero."

God, that has a nice ring to it.

Mm-hmm.

She found Walsh.

I'm sending you her
GPS tracker info now.

Aah! Daah!

- Are you okay, dude?
- No, I'm not okay, dude!

You're a freakin' alien!

Should I put this back on?

I-It seems like it's freaking you out.

Yeah, I'm freaking out!
What the hell is going on?!

Why did you take me? Why
did you take the group?

Ooh, how do I explain this?

You know how when you're doing
a science experiment...

We were a science experiment?

Yes. We needed a random
cross-section of subjects

to test so that we could
learn about humans.

Who is "we"?

"We" is the alliance between
Reptilians, Whites, and Greys.

We've been working... together
to take over your planet.

Wait, like an invasion?
How much time do we have?

Oh, no. We've already invaded you.

Think about it... Monsanto,
your Presidents.

We got you guys looking at

tiny, little screens hours a day.

We've been subverting you from within.

- That's phase one.
- Phase one?

How many phases are there?

- Just two.
- What is phase two?

Is it, like, harvesting our organs?

Is it mind control?

Are... Are you depleting
our planet's resources?

What? Maybe.

We haven't gotten our orders yet.

But, yes, historically,
phase twos don't end well.

That's why I need your help, Ozzie.

We need to stop it. You're
the only one I can trust.

[SCOFFS] You've lied to
me ever since I met you.

You ruined my life, and
now you need my help?

Yes?

Look, I get that you
don't want to trust me,

but, believe it or not,
we used to be friends.

[CHUCKLES] We were never friends.

I hated you the first time I met you.

And now I know the reason why.

Do you remember when you
were in seventh grade

and those kids stole your yo-yo?

♪

Why did those kids pick
on me and steal my yo-yo?

I don't know.

Some people are mean.

You're not mean.

Are we friends?

- Excuse me.
- Uh, yeah?

I think that yo-yo
belongs to someone else.

No, it's mine.

No, it's not.

And you know what happens
to little kids who lie?

What?

Boo.

Stay away from Ozzie!

Unless you want to see me again.

♪

[GASPS]

- Did you ever get bullied after that?
- No.

What about when you were
in journalism school

and you were living in
that two-bedroom apartment

on the water for $ a month?

You were my landlord?

I sold that building for
a boatload of profit

after you left.

And I want to show you something.

I've been carrying this
with me for years.

♪

I need your help, Ozzie.

I want to blow the whistle
on this alien thing.

You're willing to do that?

Over the years we abducted you,

I started to feel empathy.

You made me understand
what it means to be human.

So, yeah, I want to do that.

Okay, so, what is the plan?

Um, do you have a spare g*n?

I actually have a
compromised index finger.

[g*n COCKS] I usually fly solo,
but I'll need a partner now,

so I'm gonna deputize you.

- Raise your hand.
- [SIGHING] Okay.

Are you willing to do this?

Yeah. Anything for America.

I hereby declare that...

I hereby declare that I, Ri...

Wait. Ow! W-W-What are you doing? Ow!

I'm gonna leave you in
here while I arrest Walsh.

Wait. Why?

Because I'm an FBI agent and you're not.

No, I'm the one who
brought you to Walsh.

It's only fair that I'm the
one who brings him down.

I'm doing this to protect you.
You did the right thing.

♪

♪

How do we blow this
incredibly weird whistle?

Well, it won't be easy.

You're not the only one

who's working for a
Reptilian media mogul.

- Rupert Murdoch?
- Uh-huh.

- Zuckerberg?
- Yep.

- NPR?
- We're everywhere.

But there are other
Reptilians like me...

Human sympathizers, who have gone rogue.

We need to find them.

Actually, I know another group

who would like to expose the truth.

StarCrossed?

Do you think they would trust me?

I don't know.

Maybe I could do the
face thing for them.

No! N-No.

Look, I...

You know what? I'll talk to them.

They trust me,

and I'll tell them to trust you.

So, does this mean we're friends?

♪

Jonathan Walsh, you're under arrest.

I'm Special Agent Alex
Foster with the FBI.

Ozzie, step away. Walsh,
get on the ground.

You said you weren't bringing her.

- I didn't.
- That's right.

The FBI doesn't always need help

when it comes to catching criminals.

Alex, you don't understand. This
goes way deeper than Walsh.

We'll see how deep it goes

when I drag his white-collar
butt to prison.

It's too late. They already found me.

That's right. I did find you.

And there is something I've
been wanting to say to you

for a very long time.

You have the right to remain...

Alex, there's someone behind you.

Oh, there's someone behind me, Ozzie?

How stupid do you think I am?

Pretty stupid. Okay, I'll take this.

You don't know who you're messing with.

FYI, it's the FBI.

Okay, well, I'm a Russian
agent for the FSB.

And the oligarchs that Walsh ripped off,

they want him back in Russia.

♪

Russia's where you've been
hiding all your money, Walsh?

- No, that's not true!
- It is.

- What are you doing?
- And that's where he's gonna pay

- for his crimes.
- Come on, man.

What the hell are you doing?

He's my collar. You have
no jurisdiction here.

Un-cuff me immediately.

Do you want to start
another Cold w*r, buster?!

Shut up. Let's go.

Why would you take Ozzie?
He's not wanted for anything.

He's not wanted for anything...
in America.

I've never been to Russia!

We'll leave that for the
Russian courts to decide.

This is so not good for
Russian-American relations!

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Ozzie? Walsh?!

Who's that other guy?

[HORN HONKING] Aah!

They're getting away!

Ow! This hurts so much!

[HONKING CONTINUES]

[WHIRRING]

[GRUNTING]

♪

♪

Hey! Oh, thank God. Can you help me?

Are you sure?

I don't want to assume you
can't rescue yourself.

I just said "help me."

♪

Wait. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on!

- You're liberated.
- Thanks.

You're welcome, sister.

♪

Nancy?

Nancy! I-I-It's Richard from group!

Please wave to me if that's you!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Hey, uh... m*rder*r?

Can I have a chocolate before I die?

Yeah, you can have a chocolate.

Hey, Jonathan, can you pass
me one of those chocolates?

A chocolate?

Yeah, one of Yvonne's chocolates.

It's in that bag by your feet.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I'll take one of those chocolates...

and the g*n.

- Th-The g*n?
- Slowly.

And now I'll have one of
those chocolates, please.

No coconut.

Did I just see Nancy?

Who? The woman with the axe.

She looked like Nancy!

But sh-she blew up.

Well, then, we both
know that's impossible.

- Where'd they go?
- Maybe Gina's right.

Maybe I'm just blaming Walsh

for things that didn't really happen.

Maybe Walsh is just a
charming, good-looking man.

A charming, good-looking
criminal, Richard.

Now focus!

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪

- [g*n WHIRS]
- Just a little bit further.

To your deaths.

- Ozzie, yell at me.
- What?

Yell at me, and then punch me.

Just follow my lead.

This is all your fault!

What? You're the reason I'm here,

you scaly, billionaire assh*le!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're
a hipster assh*le!

And your abduction is the most
interesting thing about you.

You think you're so fancy
with your pour-over coffee

and your fixed-gear bike?

- Well, you're not.
- Well, you suck as an alien

and you suck even more as a human being.

Well, at least my parents
aren't divorced.

- Ohh!
- [GRUNTS]

Just sh**t this human now.

- I will, but...
- No. sh**t him.

- He's the traitor.
- Don't tell me how to do my job.

- Ozzie, now!
- I want you to...

[g*nsh*t]

[GRUNTS]

♪

Agh!

Is it possible my marriage
was just falling apart?

That it was my fault? That
I was never abducted?

Richard, pull it together.

Okay, I'm coming to a fork in the road.

Should we go left or right?

"Two roads in the woods, diverged,

and I took... I took the road less..."

Richard! The left!

Or maybe it's right.

Please don't leave me in here!

♪

[RUSTLE]

[g*n WHIRS]

Hang on, hang on. Let's talk about this.

No. You betrayed us.

And you got weak, Walsh.

[g*n COCKS]

And the weak must die.

[g*n WHIRS]

♪

Ozzie?

Ozzie, what happened? Are you okay?

Walsh. Where's Walsh?

It's... It's just us.

[WEAKLY] Trust Walsh.

Ozzie, it's okay. I'll get help.

He has the truth.

Find the others.

[WHIRRING]

Ah.

[SIGHS]

♪

Ozzie?

Ozzie?!

- [SIGHS]
- [RUSTLE]

♪