02x09 - Thruth or Dare

[bunniefuu]

♪

- Car! [GASPS]
- Kurt.

Why were you so close to
my face when I woke up?

I'm an orphan.

I was found in a baby nursery store.

I really want to help this
baby find its mother.

Fired?! This is because
I believe in aliens.

Nope. No. Only about your
negligence and incompetence.

I am going back to the FBI.

I say we mutiny.

Overthrow that square piece of sh*t.

♪

Jeff, do you have a minute?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Good.

I noticed the hull is still
dirty and needs cleaning.

Tell me, Jeff...

Why haven't you completed
your maintenance assignments?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I was planning on doing it later.

[BEEPING]

Okay, fine. I lied.

The hull is dirty, and that's
because I didn't clean it.

In fact, I haven't done
any of the menial tasks

you've assigned me because... Hello!

It's not in my job description.

Can I show you something, Jeff?

I think you'll find it interesting.

♪

Can you explain what's happening here?

I was doing CPR.

I was saving his life.

Maybe we should let the
rest of the crew see it

so they can decide what you were doing.

I'm sure Kurt would like to
weigh in on what was happening.

Now, what were we talking about?

Ah, yes. Something about
your job description.

♪

Screw that floating jack-in-the-box.

Piece of little trash.

I'd like to kick him right
in that square butt.

My job description.

You want to know my job description?

[SIGHS]

♪

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

Alex!

I thought you left already.

Yeah. I was driving by,
and I thought, "Oh, no",

I didn't get a chance
to say goodbye to Gina.

"I should see if she's home
and say goodbye to her."

Oh, well...

goodbye.

Yeah.

Bye.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

♪

There is actually one thing
I wanted to ask you.

Someone slipped this envelope
in my convention tote bag.

- Was it you?
- No. What is it?

It's an envelope that says,
"You are not alone,"

and, on the inside, it says
"family" in big, bold letters

with a phone number on it.

As you know, I don't
know who my family is,

and I've kind of spent my
whole life looking for them,

but I also feel like this
could totally be nothing.

Do you want to come inside

- and talk about this?
- Could we?

Yeah, I-I would love to.

Yeah.

♪

GERRY: I know you're here
for Richard's mediation,

but you haven't responded to my Evite

for "Yvonne and Gerry's
First Ever Party"

and Annual Game Night and Pot Luck.

"BYOB."

Everyone else in group has RSVD'd "yes."

I told Yvonne I'm coming.

Just respond to the Evite.

That'd be great.

Hey, guys. Thanks so much for coming.

WikiHow says it's very helpful
to have some character witnesses

when you're suing your former employer.

Where's your lawyer?

Lawyers are for guilty people.

I'll be representing myself.

I'm late! [CHUCKLES] Sorry.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Okay, this is a very
important day for me,

and for anyone who's been fired
for their alien beliefs.

Now, Ozzie fought and
d*ed for our truth,

but now it's time for me to
pick up the sword of justice.

We got your back, bro.

Gerry, are you chewing gum?

Here. Give it here.

Ah! Finally getting around
to doing your work, I see.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] What?

No! I-I love doing this!

[CHUCKLES]

[SOFTLY] Uh, can I talk to you
alone away from the cameras?

[NORMAL VOICE] Because,
you know [CHUCKLES]

nothing feels like work when
you truly love your job!

[SOFTLY] Meet me in the supply closet.

I don't think we should mutiny.

What?! You can't get cold feet now.

We all agreed.

I can't start the resistance on Earth

with Eric running things up here.

We have to get rid of him.

But you don't understand.

I've been compromised.

Eric has a video of me.

Oh, stop making this about you.

It is about me!

[WHISPERING] I'm doing
something in the video.

Okay. What are you doing?

- It can't be that terrible.
- Exactly.

I was performing CPR,

and you have to do it
directly on the mouth,

so what you're really
watching on the video

is me saving Kurt's life...

with my mouth.

That's all.

Oh. And Eric's blackmailing you.

Uh, no. Because he doesn't
have anything on me.

I... It was CPR.

Okay, Jeff, we all know
you're in love with Kurt.

[GUFFAWS]

What?!

Kurt? The Reptilian?

He's nothing to me.

We just work together on the same ship.
That's all.

Just tell Kurt how you feel,

and then Eric won't have
anything to blackmail you with.

♪

I can't do that.

All right.

Well, it's a pretty big ship.

It's gonna take you a long time

to clean it with that toothbrush.

Ugh.

But good luck.

What?

Oh.

♪

Richard, would you like
to present your case?

Yes. Thank you, Your Honor.

I'm not a judge.

I'm just Patrick, the mediator.

Thank you, uh, Patrick. [CLEARS THROAT]

As you know, I was ruthlessly
fired from my job...

A job that I am darn good at.

The reason given? Incompetence.

[SCOFFS] Please.

We all know the real
reason that I was fired.

I knew too much.

What do you mean, "knew too much?"

About aliens.

And the Reptilian agenda.

Now, shortly after my girlfriend

was exploded at the
hands of a Reptilian,

I took a week off to grieve,

as any normal person would.

Totally would've done that.
Thank you, Gerry.

You'll be hearing more from him later.

Now, "time off" is protected

by the Family and Medical
Leave Act of ' .

Uh, fun fact... '
is also the same year

that tennis great Monica Seles
was stabbed in the back

by a crazed fan of her
rival, Steffi Graf,

who is a well-known Reptilian.

Oh, boy.

Have you tried calling it?

'Cause if it were me,
and I'd been searching

for my long-lost family, uh...
I think I'd call.

It could be a fake number.
Or a trap. Or a prank.

I-I get pranked a lot.

Don't you wanna find out?

Don't you want answers?

To what? Like why did
my parents abandon me?

You know what else gets abandoned?

Broken toys. Junk cars.

Things nobody wants.

Alex, there are many, many reasons

that a parent gives up their child.

You don't know that you were abandoned.

Oh, really?

"Abandoned Baby Found Abandoned
in Local Nursery Store."

They use the word "abandoned" twice.

[COOING]

They found me asleep in
the furniture section.

They said I couldn't have been
more than a few hours old.

The FBI did everything they
could to find my family,

but with no luck.

And over the years,

it was the FBI that would check up on me

at whatever foster home I was in.

Is that why your last name is Foster?

Oh, my God. I hope not.

Look, I get why you love the FBI,

but maybe another
reason why you're there

is because you prefer to solve
other people's mysteries

more than your own,

and I think it's time for you

to solve the biggest mystery of all:

Your orphanity.

Orphanity?

Orphanity?

- No.
- Orphanness.

Your orphanhood.

[BRITISH ACCENT] I'll be the Watson

to your Holmes.

Don't do that.

[NORMAL VOICE] Let's
just call the number.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Just tell him how you feel.

Once you own it, Eric can't own you.

You're right. It's easy.

I tell Kurt how I feel, then
I tell Eric to shove it.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Hey, Kurt.

- How ya doing?
- I'm great.

Good.

Listen, I was wondering
if I could talk to you

about something of a personal nature.

Car!

I'm sorry. That...

That keeps happening.

Wh... Wh... What were you saying?

Don't worry about it.

See ya tomorrow.

We've got to erase that video.

I ca... I can't do it.

You're nervous.

You're afraid that this
person might reject you,

and I'm not gonna lie to you...

There is a % chance it's
gonna go really badly.

- Thanks.
- But there's also

a % chance it's gonna go great.

I can't just dial a number willy-nilly.

I have to think this through.

The last time I rushed into something,

I was the laughingstock of the FBI.

Okay, that sounds like
a specific incident

that you need to tell me about.

- Nope.
- Okay, great.

Then let's get right to
dialing this number.

So, I was on this raid,

and I didn't wait for backup,
because I heard a baby inside.

[WHISPERING] No, I'm not waiting.

I'm going in.

[BABY CRYING]

♪

[THUD]

Ow! My foot!

Aah! [INHALES SHARPLY]

[GRUNTING]

♪

[CRYING CONTINUES]

Oh, it's okay.

I'm coming.

[ CRYING]

Oh, for crying out loud.

The baby was on TV.

It was a PSA about secondhand smoke.

Oh.

I almost got laughed out of the FBI.

[SIGHS] No wonder my
parents didn't want me.

Would you like to know
what stands out to me

about that story?

The fact that I risked my
life for a television set?

No.

You went in to save that
baby without even thinking.

You went in that door
because you were brave.

And I think that you
should be brave right now

and bust through this
door for a real baby...

for Baby Alex.

Stop.

Risk foolishness,

and, this time, you might be rewarded.

Today, I will prove that
I am no more incompetent

than anyone else in this company.

Exhibit A.

This is Dinah from accounting
shopping for cat toys online.

She is stealing company time.

Exhibit B. Andrew in Sales.

He's not conducting any business,
bathroom or otherwise.

He is literally sleeping on the job.

Exhibit C.

Cindy using the company photocopier

to make baby-shower invitations.

Now, is this a happy occasion?

Or an absolute abuse
of company property?

I don't even think
she's really pregnant.

Now, I think I've proven
that the bar of competence

is set pretty low at Glemtech,

and yet, somehow, my performance record

is the worst in the company.

That's absurd.

Chelsea, will you please tell the room

what my main topic of
conversation at group is,

apart from aliens and such?

Your job.

Mm. What about my job?

How you love it.

How you sold more computer-jack thingies

than anybody else.

Super boring work stuff.

"Super boring work stuff."

I talk so much about my job
that it literally bores her.

Kelly, do you remember
when you caught me crying

outside the men's room
just before group?

Yeah. It was... It was intense.

And do you remember me saying
that they were "happy tears"

because I had gotten a new
standing desk at work?

No, I just remember the crying.

Well, there was no standing desk.

My co-workers just stole my chair.

Which is why I was crying.

Gerry, will you please
look at the minutes

for our group meeting on April th?

Is there any mention of me
wearing pajamas on that day?

- No.
- Interesting.

Because it was Pajama Day at work.

But no one told me.

So there I stood like
a pajama-less fool.

Now, on May nd.

Any notes about me wearing
something unusual on that day?

You wore a cowboy hat and a bolo tie.

That's right.

Because I was told it
was Cowboy Day at work,

but it wasn't.

That's messed up.

I was not fired from my job
because I'm bad at it.

I was fired because no one likes

the guy who talks about aliens.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

Again, I'm not a judge.

Do you have anything
else you'd like to add?

No, we're good.

Okay, we'll take a short recess
while I review the case.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You okay, Richard?

Yeah, doing great.

Pretty sure I just won that thing.

Hmm.

It's not a snake.

- Take the phone, Alex.
- Mnh-mnh.

- Come on.
- I don't want to.

All right, look, I'm gonna
dial the first number,

and you dial the second. Just did it.

You dial the second one.

All right, fine. I'll dial the second.

Okay, now you do the third.

- Want to do the third?
- Fine, I'll just... Let me...

Okay.

You got it? You're good? You got it.

What kind of telephone is this?

It's a land line. I'm not a Millennial.

- It's ringing.
- Okay, good.

And I'm gonna throw up.

No, you're fine. You're good.

- You got this.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Oh, no. It went to voice-mail.

- What do I do?
- What does it say?

"Leave a message after the beep."

Okay. Listen for the beep
and then leave a message.

Hello, hello. I'm Alex
Foster, and I'm an orphan.

It's... It's the truth. It's the truth.

I'm calling you on the off chance

that you're a family member

or know who my... my parents are.

Um, I was abandoned at a
baby store as a newborn.

Actually, I didn't mean to
use the word "abandoned."

[STAMMERING] That sounded
really accusatory,

and I don't know what your deal is.

Maybe there was a really good
reason for that. [STAMMERING]

Not that I'm blaming you

or that you're even the person to blame.

And if you're not the person to blame,

maybe you know who that person is

so that you can... Maybe...

...kind of point me in
the right direction

of where to hunt them down.

It's enough. It's good. You're good.

Anyways, my past is my past,

so "whatevs."

Call me back. Or don't call me back.

Either way.

But thank you for your time.

I love you.

Why did... I don't know why I said...

I don't know why I said "I
love you," that I love you.

- That was weird.
- Just hang up, I think. We're done.

- I'm so sorry about that.
- Hang up.

- That was weird.
- Just hang up.

- Okay. Okay, thanks a lot.
- Right.

- Good.
- How did I do?

Did it give you the option
to delete and re-record?

- No.
- Okay.

Then you did perfect.

It's great.

Well, I think I did a pretty good job

showing how terrible those guys are.

Honestly, Richard,

we had no idea they
were such jerks to you.

Did they really put a
squirrel in your lunch box?

You saw the evidence.

God.

Those guys were dicks.

Sure it's a place you want
to go back to, buddy?

I love my job.

Look, no matter the outcome,

you can always reinvent
yourself, Richard.

I mean, look at me... I'm a
dancer and publisher now.

Who knows what I'm gonna be tomorrow.

The world's your oyster.

I'm allergic to shellfish, so...

I've made my decision.

Uh, just wink if I won.

Sorry.

Jeff, do you have to do
that while I'm working?

I'm just doing my job,
because I'm a team player.

[WHISPERING] I tried
to find the footage,

but Eric locked me out of the system.

[WHISPERING] I'll try my access code.

Yeah, but if I can't get in,
there's absolutely no...

- I'm in.
- Unbelievable.

The video's not here.

He must have it on a separate drive.

Wow. He's really serious
about blackmailing you.

That six-sided son of a bitch!

Wait a second. What's this?

♪

[ BEEPING]

It looks like he's charging.

- What?
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING]

He does it every day...

at the same time.

Jeff, this is our way to defeat Eric.

We grab him when he's charging.

"Jeff's Mutiny" is back in action.

[LOUDLY] Oh! You missed a spot.

[LOUDLY] Ohh! Well, thanks, Jonathan.

You're very helpful.

I'll be honest.

This was a weird case.

One side cites incompetence.

The other side cites belief in aliens.

Which is it?

Aliens.

After reviewing all of the evidence,

I think it's a cut-and-dry
case of harassment.

It shouldn't matter that
Richard's outlandish beliefs

make him an easy target.

Richard was a competent employee...

by Glemtech standards.

Ah! Ya hear that?

[MOCKINGLY] Competent.

Therefore, it is my decision
that Richard Schultz

is entitled to return to
his previous position

at Glemtech Manufacturing

and he shall be awarded $ ,
for emotional damages.

- What?!
- Yeah!

- [LAUGHS]
- Suck it, Glemtech!

Congratulations! This
is so wonderful! Oh.

Oh, you won!

- For justice.
- Yes, Chelsea.

Justice.

Justice for experiencers everywhere.

See you at work, mofos!

I don't know, I don't know.
Who do you think it is?

Do you think it's my family

or someone who knows my family?

Think I should leave another message?

Listen, it's only been minutes, okay?

They could be at work or,

you know, yoga or a movie or anything.

Well, that sounds like
a pretty good life.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Yes, yes.

She's right here.

♪

[WHISPERING] Do you want some privacy?

[WHISPERING] Don't you dare leave me.

Okay.

Hello?

This is Alex.

I'm sorry I'm...

[GROUP CHEERING] Congrats!

- Congratulations!
- What's going on?

You just kicked Reptilian
butt, that's what's going on.

We're celebrating you
getting your job back.

In your pajamas? I don't understand.

We just thought that you
deserved an actual Pajama Day.

You know, what they did to
you at work was pretty mean.

Well, I-I don't have
any pajamas, though.

- Well, we got you covered.
- Oh, guys!

Aww!

So, how was your first day back at work?

Uh, I didn't go.

I quit.

You guys were right.

I-I don't need to be somewhere
I'm not appreciated.

Besides, I've got G's.

I don't have to work if I don't want to.

But I think I'll take a little time off,

think about my next move.

Maybe I'll start my own business,

and it'll be a company

that doesn't discriminate
against experiencers.

- Hear, hear!
- So proud of you, Richard.

Oh, before we toast Richard,
I just want to make sure

that you're all coming to
our Game Night tomorrow.

I know you all RSVP'd,

but I thought an in-person
head count was also necessary.

Y-Yeah, w-we'll be there, Gerry.

- Please stop texting.
- Very well, then.

- Yeah.
- To Richard.

- To Richard!
- Thank you so much. All right.

Hi. Yes. I need to reschedule my flight.

I just found out I have a sister.

Yes, I'll hold.

♪

[WHISPERING] I have a sister!

I have a sister!

♪ Anything could happen, and
it could be right now ♪

♪ But the choice is yours

[WHISPERING] The mutiny
happens tomorrow.

[WHISPERING] Is that what you
wanted to tell me before?

Yeah!

Copy that.

[LOUDLY] Okay, well, I got
to go scrub the other room.

This one is very clean.

[LOUDLY] Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha!

Well, you know me. I love scrubbing!

Finally... It's complete.

Good job, Gerry.

I'm going to miss you when you're gone.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]